Annoying Bookness for the Next Three Years Or So...
Robert Lee
...and I'm sure I'll get crap for this, but...
Heartsongs.
In case you aren't aware of this one, boy will you be, and soon. Short
story: a ten-year-old kid allegedly writes Hallmark-level poetry, and
because he suffers from muscular dystrophy and some other ailments and
lost three siblings to it and has been on every major fluff news show in
the last six months, not to mention Oprah, we've probably sold more of
this crap at my store than any of the other hardbound banalities most
people want when they come in.
Oh, the kid sold so many copies of his first small-press tome that a
second was released this fall, a third's on the way, and he got a multi-
gazillion-dollar publishing and cross-marketing deal--the first two were
just re-released by Hyperion, and the rest of the books, calendars, T-
shirts, software, CDs, television specials, Saturday Morning Cartoons,
yadda yadda yadda, will be going through that giant hand. (Hyperion is
ABC's publishing arm, also the folks responsible for the "Don't Sweat The
Small Stuff" books...thank your lucky stars if you haven't seen those.)
You're going to get a big faceful of this Symbol of Courage in the next
few years.
He's supposed to have been writing steadily since he was three. Which
would make him some kind of prodigy at the very least, even if the
resulting poems are naive, unskilled and trite in the extreme. The
technical use of imagery and language is much more sophisticated than
you'd expect from a ten year old, even, never mind somebody half that
age. What's really amazing is that this genius' gift seems to have
stablized by the time he was five--some of his poems from that age are
available in print and online, and...they are exactly the same in terms
of content, vocabularly and technique. Huh. Go figure. It's almost like
an adult wrote them, really, and the same enthusiastically untalented
adult continues to do so. Not that I think that could ever happen,
particularly where millions and millions of dollars and beatification via
Pope Winfrey are involved.
Naturally, dopes are lining up around the block to call him "an old
soul," "wise beyond his years," etc. (His "wisdom" should sound pretty
familiar: almost every poem boils to "my siblings died, but I still love
God," "people should be nicer to each other" or his signature line
"Remember to play after every storm." Or some combination of the three.)
It's like somebody saw the Kids in the Hall movie _Brain Candy_, and
decided a real live "Cancer Boy" would be a great idea.
I'll leave you with this ten-year-old "handicapable" braniac's Sept. 11th
poem, which, thank Christ, was able to be included, just barely, in the
second volume, Journey Through Heartsongs.
9-11-2001
It was a dark day in America.
There was no amazing grace.
Freedom did not ring.
Tragedy attacked sky-high.
Fiery terror reigned.
Structures collapsed.
Red with blood, white with ash,
And out-of-the-sky blue.
As children trust elders,
Citizens find faith in leaders.
But they were all blinded,
Shocked by the blasts.
Undefiable outrage.
Undeniable outpouring
Of support, even prayer,
Or at least, moments of silence.
Church and State
Could not be separated.
A horrific blasting of events
With too few happy endings.
Can the children sleep
Safely in their beds tonight?
Can the citizens ever rest
Assured of national security again?
God, please, bless America
And the rest of our earthly home.
(Oh, BTW, like most of the people who write small-press idiocies that
"all of a sudden" become mega-bestsellers, the kid has been working as a
motivational speaker for the past few years.)
--
--Robert
The United States of America has just succeeded in bombing a country back
out of the Stone Age.
--Chris Hitchens
David Mooney
> It's like somebody saw the Kids in the Hall movie _Brain Candy_, and
> decided a real live "Cancer Boy" would be a great idea.
I actually thought of the episode of Duckman where Ajax got a job writing
trite epigrams for a greeting card company.
dave
--
David Mooney | pez at vex dot net | "That's not really useful to us, is it?"
Andrew Ross
>...and I'm sure I'll get crap for this, but...
>Heartsongs.
Robert, please keep this thread going. I need it. I mean, I pride myself
on staying uninformed about what's happening on television, but I do read
books (currently working on "Don't Call us Out of Name" by Lisa Dodson and
"From Dawn to Decadence" by Jacques Barzun, both highly recommended by
me. Just finished David F. Wallace's "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never
Do Again" which made me miss the Augustan age of ASG-X postings), even
shop at Borders and Costco when I have to. And yet you repeatedly
enlighten me about new trend-setting books I've never heard of, that make
me want to go scrub myself. Wasn't it you who first showed me that awful
Celestine Prophecies book?
Thank you sincerely for pointing out and commenting on these books. I
mean it. I need to know about them. They're my key to the big time. Some
day, and you heard it here first, I'm going to invent my own revolutionary
self-help program, which will paraphrase ideas from all the other books,
only they can't call it plagiarism because every one of them has written
the same thing. I will call my book "Pinning the Tail on Your Inner
Donkey." It will contain the story of Abraham Lincoln endurin an unbroken
string of failures before becoming President. It will rhapsodize about the
lesson of the bumblebee who flies anyway. It will tell people how they
can become rich without doing any work, simply by investing sixpence
ha'penny a day at 25% interest. I will also have Pin the Tail on Your
Inner Donkey 365 affirmations a day calendars that will make Jack Handy
gnash his teeth and say, I'm not worthy!" I will have Pin the Tail on Your
Inner Donkey Daily Planners. I will hold seminars in which boomers can
spend the weekend with me in the Oregon forest for $2,000 and perform
unspeakable Pin the Tail on Your Inner Donkey acts with woad, bodice
ripper novels and jumper cables. I will be rich and famous. I will meet
Oprah. You'll see my smiling face on the cover of the Rolling Stone. And
you, Robert Lee, will be first on my acknowledgments page, and will be
invited to write the introduction to "Giving your Inner Donkey a Kick in
the Ass", the revolutionary PtToYID guide to child raising. Be VERY
afraid!
>(Oh, BTW, like most of the people who write small-press idiocies that
>"all of a sudden" become mega-bestsellers, the kid has been working as a
>motivational speaker for the past few years.)
Are you sure this isn't Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer? "I'm just a sick
kid. Your world confuses and frightens me. But There's one thing that I do
understand: if you will only downsize *all* of your employees, the stock
market will rebound and this recession will be *over*!"
Best,
Andrew Ross
(I was recently burned by child prodigy trendsetter Charlotte Church. My
mother likes classical, celtic and broadway songs, so I bought her
Charlotte's "Enchantment" CD. I knew there would be problems, when she
took off the wrapping and discovered the liner notes said things like,
[Bali H'ai] "This one is wicked cool!!!"...)
Daniel R. Reitman
>. . . .
>Best,
>Andrew Ross
>(I was recently burned by child prodigy trendsetter Charlotte Church. My
>mother likes classical, celtic and broadway songs, so I bought her
>Charlotte's "Enchantment" CD. I knew there would be problems, when she
>took off the wrapping and discovered the liner notes said things like,
>[Bali H'ai] "This one is wicked cool!!!"...)
You should know better than to trust a NextGenner! (NTM that I saw an
ad for that CD and could tell that while she had technical
proficiency, she gave Don "No-Soul" Simmons a run for his money
otherwise.)
Dan, ad nauseam
Chris Moorehead
news:Xns9197CC6A71521ro...@207.217.77.24:
Thanks for the warning, Robert. I received an e-coupon from Borders today
featuring this particular "work" -- one of the main reasons I confine my
purchasing to local bookstores.
My sister could spell "Czechoslovakia" when she was three, but she never
tried her hand at poetry. For this I remain eternally grateful.
Chris, foreign devil
--
CHRISTOPHER J. MOOREHEAD
Durham, NC
cmoor...@attglobal.net
"As matter of fact, an important class divide falls between
those who feel veneration before the term 'executive',
and those who feel like throwing up."
~ Paul Fussell, "Class"
Robert Lee
news:Xns9199D7435971...@130.133.1.4:
> Thanks for the warning, Robert. I received an e-coupon from Borders
> today featuring this particular "work" -- one of the main reasons I
> confine my purchasing to local bookstores.
Oh, please. Local bookstores are just as whorish about the latest mega-
seller/the Oprah list/etc. as anybody else. You'll shock me to death if you
*don't* find this one at your favorite independant.
Chris Moorehead
> Chris Moorehead <cmoor...@attglobal.net> wrote in
> news:Xns9199D7435971...@130.133.1.4:
>
>> Thanks for the warning, Robert. I received an e-coupon from Borders
>> today featuring this particular "work" -- one of the main reasons I
>> confine my purchasing to local bookstores.
>
> Oh, please. Local bookstores are just as whorish about the latest
> mega- seller/the Oprah list/etc. as anybody else. You'll shock me to
> death if you *don't* find this one at your favorite independant.
>
True, but at least I don't have to look at a huge display of them.
An added bonus -- my local independent bookstore has a cafe with (a) decent
coffee, (b) free refills, and (c) a wireless broadband LAN, which is free
to cafe customers (they have loaner Wireless LAN cards as well).
I can't get that at Borders.
Chris, foreign devil
--
CHRISTOPHER J. MOOREHEAD
Durham, NC
cmoor...@attglobal.net
"I think it would be a good idea."
~ Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), on Western civilization
Robert Lee
> An added bonus -- my local independent bookstore has a cafe with (a)
> decent coffee, (b) free refills, and (c) a wireless broadband LAN,
> which is free to cafe customers (they have loaner Wireless LAN cards as
> well).
In general, when I go to a bookstore, I'm going to buy a book or some
books, not drink coffee and play on the internet. Basically, you're saying
your independant store is a better bookstore because they focus harder on
frou-frou stuff that has nothing to do with books? (Borders is bad enough
about that, I'll admit.)
Chris Moorehead
> Chris Moorehead <cmoor...@attglobal.net> wrote in
> news:Xns919A75044C6D...@130.133.1.4:
>
>> An added bonus -- my local independent bookstore has a cafe with (a)
>> decent coffee, (b) free refills, and (c) a wireless broadband LAN,
>> which is free to cafe customers (they have loaner Wireless LAN cards
>> as well).
>
> In general, when I go to a bookstore, I'm going to buy a book or some
> books, not drink coffee and play on the internet. Basically, you're
> saying your independant store is a better bookstore because they focus
> harder on frou-frou stuff that has nothing to do with books? (Borders
> is bad enough about that, I'll admit.)
I was simply saying that, in addition to having a good selection of hard-
to-find books (particularly of the political variety), they also have
coffee & free internet access. (They can of course order any book they
don't stock, but that's pretty much a given these days -- Borders can do
that too.) Another plus -- the shop is in a location that will allow me to
ride my bicycle to it without risking life & limb -- the same cannot be
said for Borders, B&N, or any of the "big box" booksellers, which tend to
be located in or near shopping malls.
Borders & B&N are, however, remarkably tolerant with respect to my 2.5 year
old daughter. (Not that the local shop is not, but its children's section
is much smaller.) And the B&N is located in the same complex as Zany
Brainy, so my daughter & I end up there whenever Mommy is studying for an
exam & distractions need to be removed from the house.
Chris, foreign devil
--
CHRISTOPHER J. MOOREHEAD
Durham, NC
cmoor...@attglobal.net
"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers."
~ Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Mark Savitch Jetmir
I'll be there this Sunday, as usual.
nothanks
Why so hot and bothered Mr. Lee?
I'm sure you have no trouble accessing your favorite (and finding new)
"serious" artist/writers/film-makers. At worst, some lady or
gentleman shells out $10 for a book that makes them feel good
(This ain't Enron, though I presume the publisher get good change).
But hey, at least the kid's family won't have the
added stress of worrying too much about finances (and they have
stresses no healthy family will EVER know).
Robert Lee <rober...@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:<Xns9197CC6A71521ro...@207.217.77.24>...
> ...and I'm sure I'll get crap for this, but...
>
> Heartsongs.
> etc. etc.
Robert Lee
@posting.google.com:
> Why so hot and bothered Mr. Lee?
Because I am. Why are you butting in, Mr. Lurker?
nothanks
> notah...@yahoo.com (nothanks) wrote in news:490644ce.0201182005.6f3b9d78
> @posting.google.com:
>
> > Why so hot and bothered Mr. Lee?
>
> Because I am. Why are you butting in, Mr. Lurker?
Well shoot Grumps, curiosity of course. From what I've
read in ASGX, many regular posters here seem, uh, rather
annoyed/disturbed at pop-culture standards. I don't see
why it's a big deal if, say a Harvard MD (certainly not me),
wants to come home after a 12 hr shift and thumb through People
while listening to Kenny G.
James Walker
I was debating whether or not to bring this up, since it's really only
tangential to the "annoying bookness" threads, but Robert's experiences
keep reminding me of George Orwell's essay "Bookshop Memories", which is
now readable online:
http://www.k-1.com/Orwell/bookmemo.htm
"When I worked in a second-hand bookshop - so easily pictured, if you
don't work in one, as a kind of paradise where charming old gentlemen
browse eternally among calf-bound folios - the thing that chiefly struck
me was the rarity of really bookish people. Our shop had an exceptionally
interesting stock, yet I doubt whether ten per cent of our customers knew
a good book from a bad one. First edition snobs were much commoner than
lovers of literature, but oriental students haggling over cheap textbooks
were commoner still, and vague-minded women looking for birthday presents
for their nephews were commonest of all. "
Less tangentially: Eric worked for a while as the manager of the cafe in a
large chain bookstore here in Toronto. Despite a number of signs posted
asking customers not to bring in unpaid-for books, quite a lot of people
did, and there were a couple of incidents in which some moron would spill
latte all over a book or magazine and then indignantly refuse to pay for
it. In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle
of the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of everyone.
My favourite story was relayed to Eric by the manager of the kids'
section. They had a puppet theatre and one evening as they were closing,
they noticed that the Elmo puppet was missing. It eventually turned up in
the men's washroom, apparently having performed fellatio on someone.
Eric swears he didn't make this up.
James
=========================================================
"Languages are like many other travellers: ordinary
and common-place enough at home, but 'specially
genteel abroad."
- Charles Dickens, _Martin Chuzzlewit_
Russell Stewart
seu...@vex.net says...
>
> In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle
> of the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of everyone.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Won't happen again.
> My favourite story was relayed to Eric by the manager of the kids'
> section. They had a puppet theatre and one evening as they were closing,
> they noticed that the Elmo puppet was missing. It eventually turned up in
> the men's washroom, apparently having performed fellatio on someone.
Well, did he swallow?
--
Russell Stewart | E-Mail: check my web page
UNM Physics Department | WWW: http://www.swcp.com/~diamond
alt.atheism #343
"If knowledge is dangerous, the solution cannot
be ignorance. The solution has to be wisdom."
--Isaac Asimov
Robert Lee
news:Pine.NEB.4.33.020121...@vex.net:
> but oriental students haggling over cheap textbooks
> were commoner stil
How amusing, as my store is full, regularly of oriental students piling up
a thousand dollars worth of computer books, doing their homework from them,
and then leaving them in piles, spines broken, and pretty much destined for
the regular return shipment, as nobody's ever going to pay sixty bucks for
a dogeared, cracked book.
The more things change, I guess...
--
--Robert
I have nothing interesting to say.
Robert Lee
news:MPG.16be0f9c8...@news.swcp.com:
> Subject: Re: Annoying Bookness for the Next Three Years Or So...
> From: Russell Stewart <nos...@nospam.com>
> Newsgroups: alt.society.generation-x
>
> In article <Pine.NEB.4.33.020121...@vex.net>,
> seu...@vex.net says...
>>
>> In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle of
>> the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of everyone.
>
> Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Won't happen again.
Amusingly enough, just today one of my fellow clerks related the fact that
last week an embarrassed customer had told him "You...you have to go in the
men's room..." and wouldn't say why.
Somebody'd been reading gay porn rags in one of the stalls and had left
them all over the floor, big old dick-swinging centerfolds up.
My only response was that I could understand the customer's bashfulness
about the subject, 'cause, I mean, the last thing you expect to see in the
men's room is a *penis.* Good god, what has the world come to?
Robert Lee
> In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle
> of the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of
> everyone.
>
I hardly consider this an "incident." In fact, personally, it doesn't rate
on my radar at all. Anybody who is personally offended by Playboy, for any
reason, is beneath my regard. Any boy child who hasn't seen that stuff
already and is old enough to know what it is is a homo.
We sell the damned things, and the first thing they do when you start at
the store is make you watch a video assuring you that if a female co-worker
catches you looking at a nudie mag or something, you may be up for
harrassment charges. My response after watching the video was "But we get
to constantly subject our customers to sexual harrassment?"
I also can't put Playboy or Penthouse into the "Top Ten Magazines" display,
even though they're both regularly on it. The last two people to work in
the section were a devout Christian and a sensitive older lady, so they
replaced even biker mags in the Top Ten featuring cheesecake.
I decided that if I couldn't put Penthouse in, I was going to put the
stupidest looking magazines I could find in its place every week. This week
it's some body building mag that features a fellow on the cover who looks
like he's attempting to make his head burst open like a zit.
I also moved the real porn to front and center of the "sophisticates"
section. It's what everybody really buys and looks at, not those mostly
brit cheescake mags like STUN! and FHM. If you're embarrassed by Penthouse,
don't sell the damn thing, and certainly don't make me waste my time
putting it on the shelves every week.
James Walker
> In article <Pine.NEB.4.33.020121...@vex.net>,
> seu...@vex.net says...
> >
> > In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle
> > of the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of everyone.
>
> Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Won't happen again.
I've always wanted to do that with "On Our Backs" or something.
> > My favourite story was relayed to Eric by the manager of the kids'
> > section. They had a puppet theatre and one evening as they were closing,
> > they noticed that the Elmo puppet was missing. It eventually turned up in
> > the men's washroom, apparently having performed fellatio on someone.
>
> Well, did he swallow?
Apparently not.
James Walker
> In article <Pine.NEB.4.33.020121...@vex.net>, James
> Walker <seu...@vex.net> wrote:
>
> > Less tangentially: Eric worked for a while as the manager of the cafe in a
> > large chain bookstore here in Toronto. Despite a number of signs posted
> > asking customers not to bring in unpaid-for books, quite a lot of people
> > did, and there were a couple of incidents in which some moron would spill
> > latte all over a book or magazine and then indignantly refuse to pay for
> > it. In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle
> > of the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of everyone.
>
> well, most people are selfish fucking idiots, so there you are.
You don't need to work in a bookstore to realize that ...
> I admit to reading magazines or "evaluating" books in bookstore cafes,
> but I'm very careful with them and always put them back exactly where I
> got em if I decide not to buy. I've never seen (or at least noticed)
> any signs about no unpaid-for books, and nobody at the Richfield MN
> Borders at least seems to care.
Bookstores that have cafes *inside* the store are asking for a certain
amount of spillage on their books. If they want to avoid it, they should
put the cafe beyond the cash registers.
> I do buy stuff, just not everything I pull off a shelf. if I'm going to
> drop $30-50 on some graphics or color book, for example, I wanna make
> sure it'll be of use to me, and I hate aisle-hogs (esp. you
> motherfuckers who sit on the floor and show no intention of letting me
> pass easily so don't whine when I step on your balls/snatch by uh
> accident), so I don't feel guilty about giving a book a closer
> inspection over a cuppa mud in the cafe. of course if I spilled on it,
> I'd pay for it. duh.
If I were looking at a $30-50 book, I probably wouldn't have coffee
anywhere near it, klutz that I am.
James Walker
> James Walker <seu...@vex.net> wrote in
> news:Pine.NEB.4.33.020121...@vex.net:
>
> > In another incident, a man brought a copy of Playboy into the middle
> > of the cafe and started unfolding the centrefold in full view of
> > everyone.
>
> I hardly consider this an "incident."
It becomes an incident when you're the cafe manager and you have to deal
with half a dozen irate women complaining about it.
Robert Lee
>>
>> I hardly consider this an "incident."
>
> It becomes an incident when you're the cafe manager and you have to deal
> with half a dozen irate women complaining about it.
I don't think you have any idea, James, just how many different special
interests bitch and bitch hard every day at retail outlets, especially
places like bookstores. If it isn't a Muslim bitching about the fact that
"Islam" is right next to "Judaism," it's a Jew. If it's not a Christian
bitching about the fact that you actually sell fuck mags, it's a dyke. If
it's not an old lady complaining about the fact that you don't have a Large
Print version of every book, it's a myopic deaf 'tard bitching because you
don't have Large Voiced All The Big Words Cut Out Audio versions of every
book. If some black person is offended because the African American
Literature is "segregated" into its own section, trust me, somebody will be
offended the day you move those books into plain old Literature, too.
To me, it's just one long whining bitch-bitch-bitch. Anybody who can pick a
voice out of that and take it seriously is partisan toward that voice,
especally if they claim not to be.
An "incident," James? An "incident" is when you corner a shoplifter in the
bathroom and he threatens you with bodily harm. The only way you could
consider a bunch of ignorant cows getting upset over seeing their own
goddamned boobies on display is if you agreed with them, which I do not, as
should be fairly obvious. Otherwise, they're just part of the constant
drone of people begging for attention they haven't earned.
James Walker
> James Walker <seu...@vex.net> wrote in
> news:Pine.NEB.4.33.020128...@vex.net:
>
> >>
> >> I hardly consider this an "incident."
> >
> > It becomes an incident when you're the cafe manager and you have to deal
> > with half a dozen irate women complaining about it.
<much clippage>
>
> An "incident," James? An "incident" is when you corner a shoplifter in the
> bathroom and he threatens you with bodily harm. The only way you could
> consider a bunch of ignorant cows getting upset over seeing their own
> goddamned boobies on display is if you agreed with them, which I do not, as
> should be fairly obvious.
Yes, Robert, I did pick up on that somehow.
In common parlance, an "incident" refers to a noteworthy event or action.
In this case, it was noteworthy because it provoked a disproportionate
reaction from a group of customers that had to be placated. Not that it
will make much difference to you, but I was amused rather than outraged
when I heard about this (wait for it) incident. (Though you'd think the
guy in question would have had a clue about the reaction he'd provoke.)
Robert Lee
> In common parlance, an "incident" refers to a noteworthy event or action.
I usually call "parlance" "language," not being a pretentious twit, but:
That's why I said that a bunch of customers bitching wouldn't make an
"incident." That happens all day, every day.
James Walker
> James Walker <seu...@vex.net> wrote in
> news:Pine.NEB.4.33.020128...@vex.net:
>
> > In common parlance, an "incident" refers to a noteworthy event or action.
>
> I usually call "parlance" "language," not being a pretentious twit, but:
>
> That's why I said that a bunch of customers bitching wouldn't make an
> "incident." That happens all day, every day.
Whatever.
Robert Lee
sp...@spacemoose.com.invalid:
> Subject: Re: Annoying Bookness for the Next Three Years Or So...
> From: Joon <sp...@spacemoose.com.invalid>
> Newsgroups: alt.society.generation-x
>
> In article <Xns91A4BEE901667ro...@207.217.77.23>, Robert
> Lee <rober...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>
>> To me, it's just one long whining bitch-bitch-bitch.
>
> did you know that "oh, bitch, bitch, bitch" played backwards sounds
> like "shtaib, shtaib, shtaib, uahh"?
No, but I do know that Ramones songs played backward sound almost exactly
the same.
You know what's really great? I found this out while making an hourly wage
for a company that so fucking outsized my salary it wasn't even funny,
while under contract from an RIAA-involved company, and that's what I did
for a whole day I later had to submit an hourly report on: play Ramones
songs backwards, because it was so funny.
Boy, was that whole high tech boom thing fun.
Robert Lee
>> That's why I said that a bunch of customers bitching wouldn't make an
>> "incident." That happens all day, every day.
>
> Whatever.
"Whatever," what, James? Are you claiming that this is not true? If so,
what are your credentials to claim that, exactly? Do you work in a large
chain bookstore, right now? Have you ever? Can you bring anything up but
the completely gay term "Whatever?"
Otherwise, James, "whatever."