301: An allegory of expat life / A Message to the Universe
Shelton Bumgarner
One day, King Leonidas of Sparta decided to defend Western
Civilization from a Persian hoard of a million men.
King Leonidas began to prepare for the event. He got 300 of his
bravest men and marched to the "Hot Gates" of Thermopylae. He and his
men got there and prepared for battle. The night before the battle, he
noticed a figure lurking in the shadows.
After a while, the figure, Ephialtes, came up to him. Ephialtes looked
normal and the king wondered for a moment why Ephialtes was there.
"Hello my dear sir, are you of Sparta?" the king asked.
"Oh, yes and no," Ephialtes said. "When I was young I was very plump,
so it was feared I would be too fat to serve in battle. Just as I was
about to be killed, my mother decided she loved me too much and she
took me away."
"Really?" the king asked. "What happened? You look fine now."
"Well, my mom taught me control. And, I became a vegetarian,"
Ephialtes said. "What are you guys doing out here, anyway?
"We plan to defend Sparta from a hoard of a million Persian men!" the
king screamed.
"Hmmmm, is that so?" Ephialtes said. "Can I come make some all-natural
veggie wraps for your men?"
The king thought for a moment.
"Yes, I suppose so," he said.
Ephialtes began to get his food ready. As the men came up to him, he
talked to them.
"So you're going to defend Western Civilization, huh?" Ephialtes said.
"Yes! We will be remembered for thousands of years!" said one of the
hungry solders.
"Is that so," Ephialtes said, looking down at the pot.
"You know, I'm a solider, too, I think I should be elected to lead the
fight," Ephialtes said.
"Why," said the solider.
"Well, why is King Leonidas in charge? What can he do? I am fixing you
guys a meal, I should have just as much power as he does. And I can
draw a nice little impressionistic painting of us winning the battle
after we win. He can't do that, now can he?"
After a bit of surprise, the solider thought about it for a moment.
"Gee, it would be nice to have a painting of the battle," said the
solider.
And, so it went, until before long, all the solders decided they
wanted Ephialtes to be their leader, not King Leonidas.
King Leonidas at first laughed. Then, realizing the seriousness of his
men, he got angry. He began to threaten them with death. They
eventually killed him and elected Ephialtes their leader.
Just as the Persian hordes began to assemble, Ephialtes gave a speech.
"You know guys, maybe we should just leave. Do we really want to do
this? People are going to die. Hell, we are going to die. I don't know
if I want to die like this. And, besides, people might talk about what
happened here, and I don't want people to talk about this. Let's just
go home."
And, with that, they did.
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Showbiz13 Apr 2007 11:29 am
My Celebrity Crush of the Moment: Julia Allison (edit this)
I seem to have the strange ability to attract people from the media
(or at least meet them in person through my own efforts) into being in
my physical proximity.
Thus, I'm going to put my powers to the test - I want to meet Julia
Allison. I think if I were in the States, the context of all this
would not be nearly as interesting. But when I saw this video of her
getting a parking ticket, I was smitten.
Something about her is so sweet that she fits an emotional and
psychological need that I have at this moment in my life. That, I
think, is the point of a celebrity crush.
I want someone like Julia in my life. Someone who is sweet, fun, cute
and honestly, well, harmless.
A Message to the Universe
These days, I don't ask for much. I ask for pretty basic things.
Honesty, trust, and people acting in a "good faith" manner are pretty
much what I want. And not some twisted interpretation of those ideas.
I want the traditional, by-the-good-book way of expressing these
ideas.
Wow. How difficult is that.
The fact that I'm apparently the only person who missed the memo about
the absence of these ideas makes me wonder about the very nature of
existence as I know it.