The Annotated Julia Allison: More than just a pretty face
Shelton Bumgarner
into Georgetown and I’m sure she was a heartbreaker in her cutie-
patooty way. (Her status as a heartbreaker is significantly more
endearing than the equivalent found in the expat community in Korea:
the maneater.)
This post is entitled New Feature (OMG!): Read Julia’s Old College
Papers!
Yeah, I just wanted to include “OMG” in the title. It didn’t really
make sense, contextually. I know this. I’m okay with it.
Yes, Julia, I’m sure you did. We’re ok with it too, sweety. So what
are we going to talk about today?
Anyway, when I was home in Chicago last week, I found myself in the
attic digging through my old college photos and term papers (it was
either that or hang out with my parents & TurboTax. Note to self:
never, EVER come home the week prior to April 15th.)
Do rich people even still pay taxes in America? Wow, some things are
still the same after all.
Found this photo, circa 2002, in the dressing room before a Georgetown
Hoyas basketball game. They probably lost that night. They always lost
back then. (I’m second from the right, FYI.)
The picture is quite cute. Note her body language. She’s draped
languidly on the shoulder of her friend. That young lady to her
immediate right (our left) seems a bit more naughty, like she might
find herself in a situation where she would use the expression
“cheersex.”
Julia, meanwhile, would totally drop the spirit stick and cry about it
for a week. In my heart, I know this is true.
Anyway, in addition to wearing small outfits with “G” on them, I also
wrote papers! I turned them in late, of course. But along the way, I
did actually produce some more or less intelligent commentary on
fairly esoteric subjects. Yes. This shocks me as well.
This paragraph has all sorts of juicy information. Now, when I saw her
with the cheerleader outfit with the “G” on the Gawker video, I
thought it was some sort of “Call me” exercise with one of the Gawker
writers. Turns out, she went to Georgetown!
She turned her papers in late. Hmmm. I wonder how she managed to do
that and still pass classes.
Yes, Julia, you’re smart. We got it already.
Of course, I remember approximately 3% of everything I learned. Which
is a pretty bad return on my dad’s investment, but … um … memory was
never my strong suit. Christ, I can barely remember the plot of the
last book I read, let alone shit I studied four years ago. Oops?
Tell that to the young inner city kid who is brilliant but has no
money. Oops?
Given that my chosen career seems to center entirely on discussions of
the intricacies of shagging men, the life of Anna Nicole Smith, and
which American Idol is fattest/weirdest/has posted the most nude
photos-est, it’s a relief to know that at one point in my life, I
could define “deontology” and use it properly in a sentence. It’s
frightening how quickly one’s brain atrophies when not used for
anything other than flirting.
Baby, you can use your high powered mind to flirt with me any day.
In any case, I’ve decided to go back and re-read all my old term
papers, then post them here. Honestly, I do this for no reason in
particular, save my own amusement. And maybe yours.
Julia, why not just post pictures of yourself in seductive poses. That
would make us feel better right now. We’re not really in the mood for
your words.
Today’s paper is from my 2003 Ethics & International Relations class.
Topic? Kant’s categorical imperative. Hear that? Kant, baby! FUCK
YEAH! Nothing like a little philosophical analysis to brighten up your
Monday morning.
It’s Friday and I need a drink.