ALL SPAM MUST DIE!
Slackananda
to newsgroups, but I think there is a great deal more in this world that
deserves to be hit with this ultimate label of hatred and derision. I am
speaking of telephone spam and snail mail spam.
I can't stand it when people call me up out of the blue to try to sell
me something. The damn phone companies are the worst. Like I really make
enough long distance calls to care about saving a penny a minute if they
are not lying out their asses about the savings in the first place. I
was feeling lonely and down the other day and my phone rang. I perked up
and smiled at the phone. Someone wants to talk to me!
"Hello," hopeful.
"Am I speaking with the man or woman of the house?" Bored and nasal.
"No! This is the senior hermaphrodite. Fuck you!" Phone slams down.
I'm also really pissed about the amount of crap I get in my mail box. I
ordered some goofy toys from a catalog once and now on a regular basis I
get half a dozen different large, full color catalogs for cutesy shit I
can't even stand to look at, let alone buy. I've been trashing them for
months, but my lack of response discourages no one. I could take the
time to call or write and get off their lists but I've plenty of
important shit I never get around to doing, let alone trivia like this.
I was talking to the guy who runs my Mail Boxes, Etc. and he hates that
shit more than I do. Thirty to forty percent of the mail is crap he
says, and he has to pay people to sort it, then haul it off to the
garbage when people like me put it there where it belongs.
Internet spam is evil, yes, but it is fairly simple to delete a message
and no trees died for it. These other forms of spam are even worse, and
just because they have been around for a while doesn't make it any
better. Oh well, it's a world of spam and spam and spam and spammy spam
spam spam, spam and spam.
That's why I'm vegan.
Slackananda
http://www.slackananda.com
A ludicrously honest website
Rev.CEO CJ Venture
*Rambling anti-spam diatribe wich has nothing to do with surrealism.*
One of my tricks when people hasle me on the phone is to say: "hold on, I got
something on the stove" or " hold on, I'm gonna get a pencil to write that
down" and get them to wait. and do something else.
And then I just wait until they hang up.
That gives me slack.
$aint Reverend CEO Conrad J Venture
kevbob
Rev.CEO CJ Venture wrote in message <361DD556...@ccnmail.com>...
>One of my tricks when people hasle me on the phone is to say: "hold on, I
got
>something on the stove" or " hold on, I'm gonna get a pencil to write that
>down" and get them to wait. and do something else.
>
>And then I just wait until they hang up.
>
>That gives me slack.
since i have no friends, i like it when the people call me. take for
instance the night before last. Some kind gentleman who seemed to have a
difficult time speaking in my native language asked if he could ask me some
questions.
so i asked him if i could ask him some questions, which i did, i then
answered his questions.
then he asked if i would like a check for 10 dollars if i would answer a
survey. i said sure.
he said "i'd like to verify your name and address."
i said sure, thinking that he must already have it, and decided to query him
on how he got it.
then he asked me what my name is.
so i asked him, why did he say verify if he didn't already know it.
he didn't know what i meant.
i explained that verify implied he already had my info, and merely wanted to
double check its integrity.
he sounded confused.
then i had to go eat, so i told him, "bye!"
poor guy,
he sounded hungry, too.
König Preuße, GmbH
kevbob wrote:
Sheesh, kevbob! You must really be lonely if you are taking
time to talk to telemarketers. I like your longer postings,
as opposed to your shorter postings, the longer postings contain
more words and information, and give one something to think about.
Jim Vandewalker
<bbom...@erols.com> wrote:
{
{ I like your longer postings,
{ as opposed to your shorter postings, the longer postings contain
{ more words
That's what Usenet needs: more words. Longer postings with more words.
--
Jim the Prophet
Licensed SubGenius Minister
David R. Voth
Slackananda <slack...@slackananda.com> fired these fatal shots:
<snip>
>I can't stand it when people call me up out of the blue to try to sell
>me something.... <snip>
Here are some classic closers to use on telemarketers.
"Is it OK if I write my check out in crayon? They won't let us have
anything sharp here in the hospital."
"No, we don't need any new [carpeting/stucco/drapes/etc.] We're
homeless."
"I can't talk right now. Can I have your name and home phone number
and call you back on Saturday morning?
"We had children for a while, but they all died."
"You're the 5th [loan/swimming pool/aluminum siding] solicitor who's
called in the last 15 minutes. You guys must be working off the same
list. Don't you know I just [refinanced/bought whatever] last month?
I think whoever sold you your prospect list must be ripping you off."
Or for anyone asking your opinion on the most pressing issues facing
our country today, launch into a tirade about the long-delayed
adoption of the metric system.
And you can always start talking about "Bob".
Reverend David Voth
--
Hang up that cell phone and DRIVE THE #$%^&{} CAR!
Jeffrey Smith
<slack...@slackananda.com> wrote:
>I can't stand it when people call me up out of the blue to try to sell
>me something. The damn phone companies are the worst. Like I really make
>enough long distance calls to care about saving a penny a minute if they
>are not lying out their asses about the savings in the first place.
There's a law that says if you tell them to leave you the hell alone,
and they call again, you can sue them for a couple hundred bucks. I
don't remember exactly what it's called, or how it works, but I'm sure
someone here does
>I'm also really pissed about the amount of crap I get in my mail box. I
>ordered some goofy toys from a catalog once and now on a regular basis I
>get half a dozen different large, full color catalogs for cutesy shit I
>can't even stand to look at, let alone buy.
You can contact the Direct Marketing Association and demand that they
take you off thier lists. They send a list around every few months to
all the big bulk mailing companies showing people that don't want
thier crap.
**** **** **** ****
SubGenius Police, Usenet Tactical Unit (Mobile), aka S.P.U.T.U.M.
Unit CLXXXVII: "Primum Nocere
Parahuman Ragnarok Initiators,METAsysop Element
http://www.sputum.com/
Popess Lilith von Fraumench
<jimvan-ya0230800...@news.newsguy.com>, jim...@gate.net bellowed
forth across the wasteland:
>
>In article <361E2665...@erols.com>, "König Preuße, GmbH"
><bbom...@erols.com> wrote:
>{
>{ I like your longer postings,
>{ as opposed to your shorter postings, the longer postings contain
>{ more words
>
>That's what Usenet needs: more words. Longer postings with more words.
Yes.
P.Lil
--
|Reverend Doktor Saint Popess| Fools' Press |
| Lilith von Fraumench, Esq. | 1122 E Pike St, #769 |
| Hangnail Of the Stark Fist | Seattle, WA 98122-3934 |
| Sadomasticist At Large | http://bounce.to/p-lil |
Popess Lilith von Fraumench
<361D77DF...@slackananda.com>, slack...@slackananda.com bellowed forth
across the wasteland:
>
>Spam has come to be synonymous with junk email and commercial postings
>to newsgroups, but I think there is a great deal more in this world that
>deserves to be hit with this ultimate label of hatred and derision. I am
>speaking of telephone spam and snail mail spam.
I'd be happy to play merrily in the viscera of people who think "spam" and
"hard sales" are synonymous.
Then again, some people don't remember the days when spammers were just
dumbfucks who posted the same goddamn post to too many newsgroups. I should
probably refrain from playing with people's guts, then--I'd likely suffocate
under the steaming pile before I could get satisfaction.
P.Lil
curmundgeon-in-training--AND I HAVE YOU ALL TO THANK
solar bear
> Slackananda wrote:
>
> *Rambling anti-spam diatribe wich has nothing to do with surrealism.*
>
> One of my tricks when people hasle me on the phone is to say: "hold on, I got
> something on the stove" or " hold on, I'm gonna get a pencil to write that
> down" and get them to wait. and do something else.
>
> And then I just wait until they hang up.
>
> That gives me slack.
>
I use a similar approach. When they launch into their shpeil I put a few
helpful mhmm's in at the beginning, then just put the phone down and let
them talk. It's amazing how far some of them will get (going by the
phone-off-hook alert tone) before they realize no one is listening.
Reverend AmphibiousAssault
says...
> One of my tricks when people hasle me on the phone is to say: "hold on, I got
> something on the stove" or " hold on, I'm gonna get a pencil to write that
> down" and get them to wait. and do something else.
>
> And then I just wait until they hang up.
>
> That gives me slack.
Take it one step further...get a stopwatch, and time how long it takes
before they hang up. Keep records of which company's representatives
hold on the longest.
This adds a "competitive" angle to it, and makes it even MORE fun.
-Amph
--
Reverend AmphibiousAssault
Church of the Inevitable Revolution
"History Ends Right Now!"
Reverend AmphibiousAssault
> Telemarketers - I think I've exhausted the amusement potential of these
> gimps, now I just hang up as soon as I twig to it. Though sometimes it's
> tempting:
>
> TM: "Hello, can I speak to the lady of the house?"
>
> ME: "This is she"
>
> TM: <extremely long pause>
This is also done on the "Revenge on the Telemarketers" CD. I highly
recommend this CD to anyone who wants a few laughs at the expense of
TM's. It's available at Best Buy, and probably a lot of other places,
too.
the Ur-Beatle
write in alt.slack:
"Slackananda wrote:
"*Rambling anti-spam diatribe wich has nothing to do with surrealism.*
I dunno.
we could discuss suing junk mailers...
what gets me is that advertisers think everyone's impressed by
big letters and screaming excalamtion points on the outside of
envelopes... or by that latest trick, a fake handwritten note on
a Post-It that says "I saw this and knew you'd be interested!
(signed) David." don't they realize that if "David" sent us
junk mail, we'd kick his ass?
--
I might touch myself during that annoying time between naps.
His Most Feathered Eminence, the Ur-Beatle
your best friend. ever.
High Holy Hekkador
in alt.slack:
"In article <361DD556...@ccnmail.com>, scatos...@ccnmail.com wrote:
"> Slackananda wrote:
"> *Rambling anti-spam diatribe wich has nothing to do with surrealism.*
"I use a similar approach. When they launch into their shpeil I put a few
"helpful mhmm's in at the beginning, then just put the phone down and let
"them talk. It's amazing how far some of them will get (going by the
"phone-off-hook alert tone) before they realize no one is listening.
since most people who work as telemarketers are just poor dumbfucks
who hate their bosses but can't get hired anywhere else, this is a
good approach. they don't care whether you really listen or not,
they get paid for completing the call.
even better is to occasionally pick up the phone and say "can you
repeat that?" and put the phone down again. keep 'em on the phone
for as long as possible. costs the companies money and reduces the
number of calls they can make.
--
I might touch myself during that annoying time between naps.
His Most Feathered Eminence, the Ur-Beatle
that guy with the hair
High Holy Hekkador
write in alt.slack:
"On the eve of Fri, 09 Oct 1998 02:41:35 +0000, in the Temple of
"I'd be happy to play merrily in the viscera of people who think "spam" and
""hard sales" are synonymous.
if you see no connection, maybe you've played with too much viscera
and have become drunk on old rotgut.
junk mail I can see an excuse for (see Rain King), but if you can't
see telemarketting as "spam", you obviously haven't been introduced
to the AUTOMATED TELEMARKETTER.
this pleasant little device is essential the mutant offspring of
a wardialer and an answering machine; it calls thousands of people
a day and plays some stupid recorded advertisement at them. usually
an ad for auto insurance around these parts.
and they call you back.
--
YAHWEHOAHEH!!!!
His Most Feathered Eminence, the Ur-Beatle
Last Hidden Ascended Master
J
>even better is to occasionally pick up the phone and say "can you
>repeat that?" and put the phone down again. keep 'em on the phone
>for as long as possible. costs the companies money and reduces the
>number of calls they can make.
Good idea, thanks.
J
geezer
(High Holy Hekkador) write:
>junk mail I can see an excuse for (see Rain King), but if you can't
>see telemarketting as "spam", you obviously haven't been introduced
>to the AUTOMATED TELEMARKETTER.
>
>this pleasant little device is essential the mutant offspring of
>a wardialer and an answering machine; it calls thousands of people
>a day and plays some stupid recorded advertisement at them. usually
>an ad for auto insurance around these parts.
In Wisconsin, this is illegal (WI statute #134.72).
Check your phone book. Maybe you can press charges.
--
That was summer, now's the winter
Now we sleep in shards and splinters
-- The Appliances
Popess Lilith von Fraumench
<LzuH2UMJhl/P09...@softhome.net>, taly...@softhome.net bellowed forth across
the wasteland:
>
>in amazement, I beheld p-...@ZubJenius.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)
>write in alt.slack:
>
>"On the eve of Fri, 09 Oct 1998 02:41:35 +0000, in the Temple of
>
>"I'd be happy to play merrily in the viscera of people who think "spam" and
>""hard sales" are synonymous.
>
>if you see no connection, maybe you've played with too much viscera
>and have become drunk on old rotgut.
>
>see telemarketting as "spam", you obviously haven't been introduced
>to the AUTOMATED TELEMARKETTER.
No, I can't see ANYTHING as "spam" except SPAM. Call automated telemarketing
anything you'd like, but I'll be slapping your ears with your kidneys if you
call it "spam". And that'll be BEFORE I perform the Third Nostril surgery.
P.Lil
David Gerard
:In article <361DD556...@ccnmail.com>, scatos...@ccnmail.com wrote:
:> Slackananda wrote:
:> One of my tricks when people hasle me on the phone is to say: "hold on, I got
:> something on the stove" or " hold on, I'm gonna get a pencil to write that
:> down" and get them to wait. and do something else.
:> And then I just wait until they hang up.
:> That gives me slack.
:I use a similar approach. When they launch into their shpeil I put a few
:helpful mhmm's in at the beginning, then just put the phone down and let
:them talk. It's amazing how far some of them will get (going by the
:phone-off-hook alert tone) before they realize no one is listening.
I got one of the MOST obnoxious a coupla weeks ago. A multilevel marketer from
Delfin International (self-improvement courses at extortionate rates, who are
under all manner of investigation internationally). After the intro chat and
fake bonhomie, he guy set a fucking tape recording playing at me. I hung up,
yeah.
Telemarketing sucks dingo balls. If you want it to STOP, you ask to speak to
the person's supervisor and get taken off the call list. Giving shit to the
disposable annoyance operator will make you feel better for a moment but won't
stop the flow of calls.
--
http://thingy.apana.org.au/~fun/ AGSF Unit 0|4 http://www.netizen.com.au/
Stop JUNK EMAIL Boycott AMAZON.COM http://mickc.home.mindspring.com/index1.htm
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts.
Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with porno-
graphic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the
public's 'right to know.'" (Kenneth Starr, 1987 '60 Minutes' w/ Diane Sawyer)
David Gerard
:On the eve of Fri, 09 Oct 1998 23:12:43 -0600, in the Temple of
:the wasteland:
:>in amazement, I beheld p-...@ZubJenius.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)
:>write in alt.slack:
:>"On the eve of Fri, 09 Oct 1998 02:41:35 +0000, in the Temple of
:>"I'd be happy to play merrily in the viscera of people who think "spam" and
:>""hard sales" are synonymous.
:>if you see no connection, maybe you've played with too much viscera
:>and have become drunk on old rotgut.
:>junk mail I can see an excuse for (see Rain King), but if you can't
:>see telemarketting as "spam", you obviously haven't been introduced
:>to the AUTOMATED TELEMARKETTER.
:No, I can't see ANYTHING as "spam" except SPAM. Call automated telemarketing
:anything you'd like, but I'll be slapping your ears with your kidneys if you
:call it "spam". And that'll be BEFORE I perform the Third Nostril surgery.
I call it 'phone spam' because, well, it is. It consumes your time at the
rate of one second per second, it uses the fact of you having spent money
on your phone service ... It has a lot more in common with junk email than
junk snail-mail does.