UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!
MissBinky
I was at the Argentinean's and the news was on. I look at the screen
and see a caption roll by that they have evacuated the area where I
live because of fires. Then, I turn up the volume and notice that
this is the big story that's been running all night.
OMG...do I still have a house? And fuck of all fucks, The Amazing
Jack is inside my home!
I made a few phone calls and got in touch with Cal Fires, who
confirmed that the entire area where I live had been evacuated in a 7
mile radius. From where they were showing on the news, the fire was
raging one street over, but nobody could confirm whether or not my
street or home had been touched by the fires.
This morning I finally got a hold of my landlord who told me that she
had gone to pick up her daughter & grand kids - who live a few houses
down from me - and everything was fine. About 20 minutes later, the
boyfriend calls and says the house is engulfed in flames. THAT
FUCKING QUICK! It just came out of nowhere.
She told me that as of 1:00am (she'd been up all night) fire raged all
around my home, jumped the street and engulfed the retaining wall
across from me and a field right across my driveway. The house right
next to mine and an apartment complex a few doors down, as well as a
commercial property at the end of my street and a home of one of her
maintenance guys around the other side...all burnt to the ground. But
my house was still standing.
They blocked off the entire hwy and all the roads leading off of it
(one of which is my street). So she told me to go down there and get
a sheriff to escort me into my house to get my dog and I could bring
him to the emergency shelter who was taking in pets from the homes in
the area.
I couldn't fucking believe what I was seeing when the sheriff drove me
down my street. EVERYTHING was BLACK. Most everything was gone.
When we got up to my house, my backyard faces the street and I could
see that it had burned up to the house. The entire back yard was
charred. Everything in every direction was black. There was almost
nothing left....EXCEPT MY HOME. I can't believe it.
When I walked up to the front door, I saw the melted and charred
remains of my doormat. The fire had come up against two of my
exterior walls and hadn't touched my house. When I got out of the car,
It smelled terrible. My landlord had told me that their warehouse had
burned to the ground. It was filled with hundreds of gallons of paint
among other things that are toxic when burned, and the tire company
across the road burned down, releasing more toxic fumes throughout the
area. There were power lines down and gas leaks everywhere, so I had
to go in fast and see if my dog was still there...and still alive.
Someone had broken the lock on my fence to get inside my backyard and
put out the fire, so I wasn't sure if Jack had run out the doggy door,
or if someone had rescued him or what.
I walked in the house and while it smelled of smoke, it wasn't that
bad. Not NEARLY as noxious as what I had just smelled outdoors. I
called Jack and he didn't come. Then about thirty seconds later, I
hear toenails running down the hardwood floor hallway. HE'S ALIVE!
My smelly, weird beast who lies under my bed and commits unspeakable
and mysterious acts while I'm asleep, sought refuge in his hidey hole
under my bed and he's no worse for the wear!
I can only imagine how terrified he must've been late yesterday
afternoon and last night when all this was going on.
So while I am really sad for all those people who lost their homes,
some whom I know personally and I'm pretty certain didn't have
renter's insurance; I can't believe how lucky I was.
This past couple months, I've felt like I've been taking it up the
butt from the universe, but this really blows my mind that that fire
came all the way up to my fucking front door and burned my back yard
to hell, and I still have a home.
Can't go back in it for a while...but it's still standing!
--
Miss Binky
Rev. Anna Dynamite
even express how amazing that is. Praise "Bob" for sparing The Amazing
Jack and your home from these awful fires.
Seriously...wow...
Rev. Back It On Up 13
I couldn't even read this, I had to fastforward to the end to see the
status of the Amazing Jack (tm).
I can only imagine my 25 lb Love Rocket stuck in a burning building.
I'd fall apart.
Glad he's okay. Sorry about the rest of your tale.
Lord Cyclohexane
safely and that you're alright. But yeah, that is cool as fuck.
Don Stockbauer
wrote:
> That is cool as greased fuck. Glad to know your dog came out of it
> safely and that you're alright. But yeah, that is cool as fuck.
Thank Universe you're ok.
Popess Pantiara Evokovitch, BAYBEE!
> Miss Binky
Wow, the luck plane has really shifted in the Subgenius's favor this
week hasn't it?
First Susie gets to play her friend's favorite record after she
thought he was dead.
Then your house is saved from an inferno.
They say good things come in threes, lets tilt the plane in Mag's
direction, let her win the lottery or something.
Rev. Ivan Stang
That is the ULTIMATE! NOW THAT $30 FOR "BOB" LOOKS PRETTY CHEAP, DON'T
IT?
Here are some slightly similar true stories from the SubGenius History
Book in my head.
Back in like 1981, Rev. Stevie Hambone and Rev. Mike Danger of
Minneapolis were standing outside Hambone's residence, screaming into
a truly spectacular storm, "FUCK YOU, NHGH! FUCK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE
ASPARAGUS DICK!" They were drunk as 17 and a half motherfuckers. They
went back in and passed out, the storm raging on.
When they awoke the next morning, they heard odd commotion.They opened
the front door to find that, while they slumbered drunkenly, a tornado
had touched down next door to them and carved a vast semi-circle of
total destruction AROUND Hambone's place. It had drawn a half-bull's-
eye around them but left them alone.
Somewhere I have a cassette tape with their deposition about this.
In the 1980s Negativland's apartment in the Bay area burnt up
suddenly, giving them just enough time to rescue their audio masters
but nothing else. After the fire department had finished, they
inspected the scene and saw that everything they owned was indeed
completely destroyed -- but for one thing, a piece of paper that
wafted off the toasted porch and right to their feet: an 8 1/2 x 11
Dobbshead from their Membership pack. They danced a jig on it.
In 1985, while we were performing a big devival in Los Angeles,
Sterno's house burned down. Luckily his wife and kids were at a
laundromat at the time (and they coincidentally had their car broken
into and robbed, WHILE their house was burning down). Sterno got the
news the day after the devival. I remember him telling me suddenly the
night before that he had a strong, unexplainable feeling that
something bad had happened at home.)
Anyway, when he finally got home to Little Rock, sure enough, ever
damn oddball thing he'd ever kept in that house was burnt. But wait...
under that loose fireplace brick... something was stashed there, and
came through untouched by the flames: Sterno's copy of the PEE DOG # 1
comic book.
"Well one year it was the factory and one year the park
We heated with wood and the house caught fire.
I reached for a figure through the smoke and the sparks
But which one did I save -- the girl or the guitar?"
-- "Hoo Dee Hoo" by The Rainmakers
Toilet Pepper
You're one lucky gal. Your neighbor would sure be baffled once they
see that there is only one house standing strong. I think the Amazing
Jack™ has some kind of super powers, which is amazing.
Paul Jamison
"MissBinky" <MissB...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:021f9fe4-2fde-442b...@g1g2000pra.googlegroups.com...
It's sad to hear about your neighborhood, but I'm glad to hear that you came
through relatively unscathed. But most of all, it's great that the Amazing
Jack is fine.
Paul
XODDI
"MissBinky" <MissB...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:021f9fe4-2fde-442b...@g1g2000pra.googlegroups.com...
I'm glad you and Jack dodged that one...
Rev. Richard Skull
Popess Pantiara Evokovitch, BAYBEE!
Amazing jack must have magic wiener feet! Put four of them together
and you've got the luck of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs himself at your
wienertips! I mean, fingertips....
just john
> This past couple months, I've felt like I've been taking it up the
> butt from the universe, but this really blows my mind that that fire
> came all the way up to my fucking front door and burned my back yard
> to hell, and I still have a home.
>
> Can't go back in it for a while...but it's still standing!
Congrats on the good luck and surviving and all!
Now, don't forget, you don't want to squander your on-camera time when
the newsies hear about this. Get your CotS paraphernalia deployed about
your person, and have a few pamphlets ready to hand out. You're the
Short-Duration Chosen One.
--
* Radio Free Entropy: http://just-john.com/cn/rfe.shtml
Chain Smerker the Ass Fingerer
"MissBinky" <MissB...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:021f9fe4-2fde-442b...@g1g2000pra.googlegroups.com...
I am glad everything turned out ok for you.
Sacre Bleu
> I just can't stop shaking my head in amazement at what happened:
I feel for ya Binkster, as I live in an area that hasn't had a good burn
since the 70's. On top of it, I can see the plume from the Station Fire
as I type. Kinda looks like that Mt. St. Helen eruption back in the
80's.
Seems that Amazing Jack� has some interesting powers, indeed.
Glad to hear it was only a burned up backyard and a door mat.
How did THAT catch you off guard anywho?
Flashpoint pretty close to home?
Rev. Richard Skull
Actually, I know how lucker yur were. In 1967 we got burned out of our
house over Thanksgiving Weekend.
Rev. Ivan Stang
My kids both live in L.A. My daughter has a one-year-old. I forwarded
your story to them and then phoned them. Of course I had to make my
token parental "You're not being evacuated are you?" call. Both were
agog at your story. At the time they were both with their spouses at
home, watching what they call "the tumor cloud." Evidently a very
weird looking cloud -- not smoke -- was hanging in the sky where they
could both see it, away from the fires, but possibly caused by them.
The lad lives in Hollywood area and the girl lives in the Valley so
they are not panicking. They are staying indoors though since the
outdoors smells awful.
If any of your neighbors with good insurance needs a new condo, my
daughter and son-in-law are trying to sell theirs...
I have seen some recent footage of the fires that kind of blew my
mind. You and your fellow citizens, even the humans, certainly have my
sympathy. Good luck with the clean-up, which I imagine will take a big
chunk out of any immediate plans you had. I hope that it turns out
somehow to be Involuntary Slack as opposed to ONLY a huge pain in the
ass.
SusietheFloozie
MOTHERFUCKER!!! What an incredible story! Man, you are respected by
the GHODS for serving them well. Your juju is powerful.
I'm so glad that Jack was intact--but what of Alfredo? Did he survive?
Tater Gumfries
> This past couple months, I've felt like I've been taking it up the
> butt from the universe, but this really blows my mind that that fire
> came all the way up to my fucking front door and burned my back yard
> to hell, and I still have a home.
>
> Can't go back in it for a while...but it's still standing!
>
> --
> Miss Binky
Tater's glad you and yours didn't get crispy. Fire's a son of a bitch.
When we was livin in the city, our house caught fire when Tater and
Marlene were on vacation. A neighborhood kid snuck into the basement
to play with matches. We was lucky -- there was a fire station four
blocks away and they smelled the smoke and followed it. Caught it
before it spread out of the basement, but some of the floor and floor
joists burnt up, along with all the stuff in the basement. The kitties
and the house survived.
Just plain luck. Just plain luck.
Tater
Radix Lecti Artemia Salina
of mind to ask is, what about Amazing Jack's stash of your stolen
panties, bras, and shoes? Are THEY okay?
--
Ultra-Potent Hyper-Honcho.
Don Stockbauer
wrote:
> The important question here, which no one seems to have had the presence
> of mind to ask is, what about Amazing Jack's stash of your stolen
> panties, bras, and shoes? Are THEY okay?
Thank Universe you're OK and won't have to eat squirrels to survive!
Don Stockbauer
I'm sorry I ended this thread. Don't mind me. Talk amongst
yourselves. I'll go chop some weeds.
SusietheFloozie
Geez, Stockbauer, stop moaning and drag that cross out of the way.
This thread ain't dead yet--hell, judging from recent events, ain't
NOTHING gonna die on the Flooze's watch!
Least of all the Amazing Jack. But, still--what of Alfredo? Dod Froggy
Dear survive? Those amphiboys are so sensitive...!
Rev. Back It On Up 13
Okay, everything's cool, I just heard from Alfredo. He's in Utah.
His tale was astonishing to me.
He knew something was up when he first smelled the smoke from a
distance. He tried to explain to the Amazing Jack (tm) that a daring
escape was in order, because the fires were clearly headed their
way.
When he approached the Amazing Jack, he was nearly eaten. He tried to
bash the weinar over the head with a lamp and drag him to safety, but
he found that he could not lift the lamp.
A small crack in the facade of Miss Binky's house was his initial
point of entry, and with no other alternative but to leave the dog
behind, he utilized it again to make his egress. He travelled to Utah
on the bumper of a madman's Ford Fiesta, and bore witness to some
horrifying crimes along the way.
He's now in Salt Lake City and has several wives. They are planning
to start a family of God's Little Miracles and raise them as folk
singers. He is mostly happy.
But some nights, he lies awake in bed, staring at the ceiling,
remembering the nights when Miss Binky would enter the kitchen, naked,
in search of a snack. Alas.
Tater Gumfries
Followed by a coffee... oh, wait. Sorry.
Tater
MissBinky
Thanks, that made me laugh.
Well, I thought I'd give an update on things. I read on Cal Fires
website that they were letting residents with proof of residency back
into their homes, so I just came home a couple hours ago...crossing
my fingers and hoping the power was back on. IT WAS! YAY, I CAN SEND
MESSAGES OVER THE INTERNET!!
I took a good long look around the neighborhood before walking inside
because I had to go in and out so fast yesterday, that I just couldn't
remember what it looked like. It's stinky still, but I am not the
only house standing in my neighborhood. There's still a few of us
left.
The ground is like charcoal EVERYWHERE except the pavement.
As I walked up to my front door, I noticed that the ground was black
up to the concrete stoop. FUCK! It came right to my front door!
When I walked into the back yard to survey the damage, I was relieve
to find that my being remiss in picking up The Amazing Jack's (tm) dog
turds, turned out to be non-effort well expended, as they were burned
up in the fire! THAT'S something to feel good about. TRUE SLACK!
Nature did it for me!!!
There are so many fire trucks and PG&E & other utility trucks going
back and forth outside my door right now that it's like Sunset Blvd.
on a Saturday night. So at least it made it easy to flag down a
helpful one to check my pilot lights. I never really appreciated just
how many HOT firemen there are until today. A truckload of young,
hard-bodied firemen just rolled by while I was getting my bags out of
my car and they slowed down and stuck their heads out the window and
waved to me. Honestly, I was half-tempted to start a small brush fire
just to get them to come over and help me. ...They seemed so eager
and willing to be of service!
But the thing that makes me most giddy with excitement is that I was
watching the news and discovered that the strapping, able bodied
sheriff who escorted me to my home yesterday, was honored as a local
HERO! Here, look at what I got to entertain in my home amidst the
charred rubble and stench of burned tires and toxic chemicals:
http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktxl-news-herodeputy,0,515444.story
...maybe I should pay him a social call to express my
gratitude...something about a man in uniform.
Oh and about the animals: Everybody's fine...even Alfredo. I just
found him about an hour ago. I was worried yesterday when I was
grabbing all my stuff (not knowing how long I'd have to be away, I
stuffed everything I could into two suitcases) I think I was taking a
little longer than I should have, cuz when I went into the kitchen to
look for my frog, Deputy Hot Body told me I needed to leave, so I
didn't get a chance to look for him. He finally showed up in his
froggy swimming pool about an hour ago. I am going to pick up The
Amazing Jack (tm) tomorrow and we can work on pulling his tail out of
his ass, where it was when I dropped him off. He was a tiny bit
nervous when I dropped him off at the shelter. When the woman was
filling out the intake form, taking down his stats, she looks at him
and says "Tail? I'll put *short*". I said "No, no...his tail is
actually *long*. It's just stuck up his ass right now cuz he scared."
I'm so fucking tired...I didn't sleep past 1:30 last night...I need to
get some sleep now.
--
Miss Binky
Tater Gumfries
> But the thing that makes me most giddy with excitement is that I was
> watching the news and discovered that the strapping, able bodied
> sheriff who escorted me to my home yesterday, was honored as a local
> HERO! Here, look at what I got to entertain in my home amidst the
> charred rubble and stench of burned tires and toxic chemicals:http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktxl-news-herodeputy,0,515444.story
> ...maybe I should pay him a social call to express my
> gratitude...something about a man in uniform.
Tater's surprised, Miss Binky. Tater's seen your picture, and you
don't look elderly to him.
Tater
SusietheFloozie
> Oh and about the animals: Everybody's fine...even Alfredo. I just
> found him about an hour ago. I was worried yesterday when I was
> grabbing all my stuff (not knowing how long I'd have to be away, I
> stuffed everything I could into two suitcases) I think I was taking a
> little longer than I should have, cuz when I went into the kitchen to
> look for my frog, Deputy Hot Body told me I needed to leave, so I
> didn't get a chance to look for him. He finally showed up in his
> froggy swimming pool about an hour ago. I am going to pick up The
> Amazing Jack (tm) tomorrow and we can work on pulling his tail out of
> his ass, where it was when I dropped him off. He was a tiny bit
> nervous when I dropped him off at the shelter. When the woman was
> filling out the intake form, taking down his stats, she looks at him
> and says "Tail? I'll put *short*". I said "No, no...his tail is
> actually *long*. It's just stuck up his ass right now cuz he scared."
>
Oh, that is so cool everything's intact--including the BEEFCAKE! But
hey, if the JackTurds (tm) had ceramicized, oh, what baubles they'd
make! I hope his skinny little tail pops back up soon, poor boy. He's
jes' pertectin' whut he still HAS. What a trauma to go through!
And ALFREDO made it! I worried because of all the toxins--those little
fellers with such sleek, absorbent skins are canaries in the global
coalmine.
Glad some of your neighbors came through it okay, too. That place is
gonna look so green against the char, isn't it? Soon. Soon.
But I think calling you an "elderly woman" was a cruel swipe!!!
MissBinky
Hardy har Mister funny pants!
I might not look my age, but I'm not 82! Tater, now of course you
know this mean you owe me...and in typical female fashion, I'm gonna
make you pay. My birthday is coming up in two weeks and you know how
that makes a woman feel anxious and a little sad after she's reached
21 (really, after that there's no need to keep adding on
years!...what else can you look forward to? Social Security!???)
So I AM expecting flowers now....you bastard.
...kick a girl while she's down...sheesh! That's harsh.
--
Miss Binky
MissBinky
wrote:
Hee hee...When I was packing up all my stuff to take "quickly". I
grabbed an extra suitcase just for SHOES! (Hell, I didn't know when I
was coming home!!!) The officer started to look at me funny, when he
saw that I was packing like a "girl", instead of packing like a fire
victim rushing to refuge.
--
Miss Binky
Tater Gumfries
Tater don't get it. He gives you a compliment and you jump all over
him.
They told Tater not to leave the holler and get on them tubes.
Tater
MissBinky
> On Sep 1, 10:40 pm, MissBinky <MissBin...@aol.com> wrote:
>
> > Oh and about the animals: Everybody's fine...even Alfredo. I just
> > found him about an hour ago. I was worried yesterday when I was
> > grabbing all my stuff (not knowing how long I'd have to be away, I
> > stuffed everything I could into two suitcases) I think I was taking a
> > little longer than I should have, cuz when I went into the kitchen to
> > look for my frog, Deputy Hot Body told me I needed to leave, so I
> > didn't get a chance to look for him. He finally showed up in his
> > froggy swimming pool about an hour ago. I am going to pick up The
> > Amazing Jack (tm) tomorrow and we can work on pulling his tail out of
> > his ass, where it was when I dropped him off. He was a tiny bit
> > nervous when I dropped him off at the shelter. When the woman was
> > filling out the intake form, taking down his stats, she looks at him
> > and says "Tail? I'll put *short*". I said "No, no...his tail is
> > actually *long*. It's just stuck up his ass right now cuz he scared."
>
> Oh, that is so cool everything's intact--including the BEEFCAKE! But
> hey, if the JackTurds (tm) had ceramicized, oh, what baubles they'd
> make! I hope his skinny little tail pops back up soon, poor boy. He's
> jes' pertectin' whut he still HAS. What a trauma to go through!
No shit! Actually, that statement's not entirely correct. Last night
when I went to bed, I discovered just how traumatic this ordeal was
for poor Jack. I walked into my room to get ready for bed and I kept
smelling something. It smelled...well, like dog shit. hmmm... I
walked around looking for the culprit and couldn't find it, until I
went to turn on my tv and in front of it was a huge pile of shit!
The poor thing LITERALLY had the shit scared out of him!
*****************
OMFG!!! I just walked away from the computer for a few minutes cuz I
heard a bunch of people walking by my house and I could hear some guys
telling someone "I save this house from burning down..." and he was
telling the story of how he used my garden hose to put out the fire in
my back and front yards.
I've been asking around to find out WHO save my house, because I could
tell that it wasn't a firefighter because my garden hose was on my
fence....he saved my house with a fucking GARDEN HOSE!
When I heard that, I ran outside :::I'm SO fucking choked up right
now I can barely type this::: There was about 20 people walking by
and I looked at him and said "It was YOU who saved my home?...Oh my
God, I was hoping I would be able to find out who did this for me.
THANK YOU!" And he extended his hand for me to shake and then I just
threw my arms around him. So he told me what happened and I just
couldn't thank him enough. This man risked his life to save my
house! Across the road, a sheriff was yelling at him with a bullhorn
to get out, but he stayed until the fire was out.
He told me he was banging on the doors to tell whoever was in there to
get out. I said "I wasn't home, but my dog was inside shitting
himself from fear." He told me that he could hear the dog, but he
didn't want to break down the door, so he just worked on putting out
the fire. He saved Jack.
I'm so glad I got to find out who save my home and my dog, and thank
him.
--
Miss Binky
Tater Gumfries
> He told me he was banging on the doors to tell whoever was in there to
> get out. I said "I wasn't home, but my dog was inside shitting
> himself from fear." He told me that he could hear the dog, but he
> didn't want to break down the door, so he just worked on putting out
> the fire. He saved Jack.
>
> I'm so glad I got to find out who save my home and my dog, and thank
> him.
Those are the kind of folk you want for neighbors. Brave, cool headed
and sensible. And boy howdy, sister, you are one lucky gal.
Tater
RevNickie
This is one of the reasons I will never live in CA. Whole damn state
seems to catch fire every year.
This from a person who spent most of her life living in tornado alley.
-RevNickie
Rev. Susie the Floozie
> I'm so glad I got to find out who save my home and my dog, and thank
> him.
Fuckin' B!!! That's great. I hate a loose end like that just dangling--
when someone does something for me, I like to thank them. No one's
ever done anything that big for me, and it would fucking KILL ME not
to thank them for it. You are lucky with a googol exponent on it.
Have you thank\ed the ones REALLY responsible? *nudge, nudge*
Rev. Richard Skull
>
> - Show quoted text -
Maybe it was Jack who saved your house! Everytime the fire would get
to close to the house, he'd go outside and tinkle on it to put it out.
Paul Jamison
*****************
--
Miss Binky
=======================================
SOMEONE was smiling down on you that day. Either that or this was something
that RealLife throws at us every once in awhile to show us that good things
do happen. Occasionally.
That guy that saved your house is one special dude. He needs to breed and
pass on those special-dude genes.
And I have to say that it means a lot to hear about the animals. If I were
Jack, or even if I weren't, I'd probably unload, too. And it's great that
Alfredo is fine.
Paul
just john
Okay, just this once, I guess it's okay to throw yourself at the first
hoser to wander by.
That's all pretty amazing!
--
* Radio Free Entropy: http://just-john.com/cn/rfe.shtml
Radix Lecti Artemia Salina
> OMFG!!! I just walked away from the computer for a few minutes cuz I
> heard a bunch of people walking by my house and I could hear some guys
> telling someone "I save this house from burning down..." and he was
> telling the story of how he used my garden hose to put out the fire in
> my back and front yards.
In this whole thread I haven't actually said as much, but of course I'm
glad and relieved to hear that your house, and especially Amazing Jack,
are ok.
How is the house of the guy who saved your house? Did he come out of this
ok too?
Personally I think this nameless man is much more of a hero than Officer
Viking/Thor/Whatever (can't they decide on a nickname for this guy?).
Officer Thor saved an old woman -- any halfway decent person would
attempt to do that. Your house hoser risked his neck save a pile of
sticks, not even knowing there was a dog inside. Not many people would do
that.
Once again I'm glad to hear you're ok and I hope things get back to being
sane for you soon.
--
Ultra-Potent Hyper-Honcho.