Well, I Have The Beetus Now
Rev. Ivan Stang
We planned well... we bought a super-sack of 250 pieces of "SUBGENIUS"
brand candy for the trick-or-treaters, and one bag of Almond Joys and
Mounds just for us. I started into the Mounds and Joys immediately,
last week. Last night we handed out all the SUBGENIUS candy before
curfew... but I SNITCHED.
I couldn't help myself! The SubGeniusCandy in the Assortment Bag had
such APPETISING names, such SubGeniusly DESCRIPTIVE names:
AIR HEADS
NERDS
SMARTIES
DUM DUM GUM POP
SWEET TARTS
SOUR PATCH
WAR HEADS
Now if that doesn't describe an X-Day Drill attendance roster, I sure
don't know what does.
As Wei said, I ate so much of the SubGenius candy that I formed a
"SUPER BUBBLE".
There was one called LEMONHEAD which was rather large, and I expected
it to be hollow and bubble-gummy. It was neither. It was a PURE LUMP
of CITRIC ACID and when I had finished it the acid had made sores all
over my mouth. They're gone now but it made for a Scary Halloween for
a few minutes there.
This neighborhood is like a throwback to the 1950s. The streets are
safe at night, all the neighbors know each other, Beaver Cleaver rides
his bike all over (Beaver is African American now btw), and on
Halloween it looks like a Norman Rockwell painting or a scene from a
Ray Bradbury novel. The only big difference between my childhood
Halloweens and these is that now, the parents must accompany the kids,
and there's a set time, 2 hours exactly. Princess Wei wears only a sex
black outfit, no mask, and is the Pretty Lady With The Candy. However,
to get to the candy, the kids must come onto the same porch as ME, and
this Halloween I was wearing my new ALIEN OVERLORD outfit, which
Sister Decadence gave me last year. (I also wore it at Starwood for a
few rounds of the bonfire.) This is a well made SKULL-FACE WRINKLED
"GREY" with a cape and works just right with the Alien Cult Leader
Robe that I've had for some time.
Some of last night, when I took the mask off but not the Cult Leader
Robe, I was dressed as a Cult Leader Carrying a Halloween Costume. I
undid my pony tail for that. When I take down my pony tail, with my
goatee and eyebrows and Robe I look like a proper Cult Leader right
out of Central Casting, as Palmer Vreedeez put it.
We ask our trick-or-treaters if they want to pose for pictures with
the alien, and many of them did, and, as usual, the mischievous
teenage girls and MILFs have a tendency when posing with the alien to
press their bosoms against the back of the alien's arm when the
picture is being taken. So, for another Halloween, my elbow copped
many feels of Stranger Titties.
Mistar Sistar and son came by. Little Mistar Sistar wasn't at all
flustered by the masks like he has been in years past, and was having
a good time, although when he'd eaten his share of candy he was eager
to leave for donuts. You'd think that kid would be fat by now, but
he's very skinny. A growing boy. He reminded us about Friday for
burgars at Wheredy's. He ALWAYS reminds us about burgars on Friday,
which is a good idea, since we have been known to forget (such as
after the Chas funeral) -- and Little iDRMRSR NEVAR EVAR FORGETS!
After curfew we visited the giant Hainted House on Possibly Pasture
and the Spook Mansion on Oh-You-Kid Hts Blvd, both of which were in
spectacular form, and chatted with the owners, who are strangely not
actually dead. Then we went home and watched the first half of ATTACK
OF THE CRAB MONSTERS. We never watch a whole movie at once because
even on Halloween, Princess Wei is so pretty that I can only keep my
eyes on the screen for 30 or 40 minutes at a time, max. It's possible
that we won't watch the rest of that movie because I got to see the
only part I was hankering to see for nostalgia's sake: when the
foreign scientist guy gets his hand chopped off by a falling rock. You
get to see the chopped off hand and his wrist stump and everything.
That kind of thing was a major thrill for a little kid watching late-
night 1960s TV.
Popess Pantiara Evokovitch
Went to a Rocky Horror show last night. Wore basically the same outfit
I did for the Subgenius wedding, with better makeup. It was fun, it
would have been funner for me if I had looked up the stuff you're
supposed to say along with when you throw stuff, which I did look up,
but missed about half the ques. It was jam packed with people
screaming obscenities the whole time, making the movie impossible to
hear. I'm glad I didn't take anyone who hasn't seen the movie at all,
they would have been utterly perplexed. There were too many virgins to
devirginize, so the stage was packed and half of us couldn't
participate in the leg tunnel. It was still fun. I mean, how often do
white people get to yell at a movie without getting shushed?
I now know:
to say "Asshole" when Brad or Janet says his name
to say "Slut" when Janet or Brad says her name
to scream "Say it!" before Frankenfurter says "'pation"
that someone has to climb onstage to fuck the professor's chin, whack
off the dildo levers, and spin the screen and the globe at the end
and knowing is half the battle.
Doc Martian
Rev. Back It On Up
You all wish you were cool like me and Mistar Sistar. We beetus
afflicted get our own neat little space age metars, which suck blood
like a vampire and make beeping noises! Envy us! We also get a
little packet of "works" including strips and sometimes even very
sharp needles. And we get to feel very wicked if we eat a little mini
snickars bar or four squares of saltines and a half cup of skim milk.
We are extremely cool and enviable, and everybody knows this, adn that
is why you are all trying to eat yourselves into a beetus coma.
Rev. Ivan Stang
>
> You all wish you were cool like me and Mistar Sistar. We beetus
> afflicted get our own neat little space age metars, which suck blood
> like a vampire and make beeping noises! Envy us! We also get a
> little packet of "works" including strips and sometimes even very
> sharp needles. And we get to feel very wicked if we eat a little mini
> snickars bar or four squares of saltines and a half cup of skim milk.
>
> We are extremely cool and enviable, and everybody knows this, adn that
> is why you are all trying to eat yourselves into a beetus coma.
GUILTY AS CHARGED!
Rev. Back It On Up
I know.
When a little Beetus Boy or a little Beetus Girl has been good all
year, on Halloween Night, Wilford Brimley creeps into their bedroom
and sprinkles Quaker Oats all over their pillow. God knows what else
he does while he's in there, too.
DID THAT HAPPEN TO YOU? I didn't think so.
nu-monet v9.0
>
> Ate too much candy! I surely MUST have the Beetus by now.
>
> We planned well... we bought a super-sack of 250 pieces of "SUBGENIUS"
> brand candy for the trick-or-treaters, and one bag of Almond Joys and
> Mounds just for us. I started into the Mounds and Joys immediately,
> last week. Last night we handed out all the SUBGENIUS candy before
> curfew... but I SNITCHED.
Much the same ritual here as last year.
The little boogers know they have to stand under the
funnel, with their head back, mouth open, and eyes shut.
And, as often as not, a Snickers bar will plop into their
greedy little maws.
--
Be Sure To Visit the 'SubGenius Reverend' Blog:
http://slackoff.blogspot.com/
***********
"My opinion is that the media is the main
supporter of healthy eating. We're certainly
not hearing it from our customers"
-- Andrew Puzder, CEO of Hardee's and Carl's Jr.
Rev. Ivan Stang
>
> When a little Beetus Boy or a little Beetus Girl has been good all
> year, on Halloween Night, Wilford Brimley creeps into their bedroom
> and sprinkles Quaker Oats all over their pillow. God knows what else
> he does while he's in there, too.
>
> DID THAT HAPPEN TO YOU? I didn't think so.
I guess I'm nothing but a 'Beetus 'Bater.
iDRMRSR
that just opaned. Actually, that was kind of a creepy place. The usual
protocal around here is...if your lights are on, that means you are giving
something out for Halloween.
Hence the store was DARK. Also, we were surprisingly the oanly customars.
They were opan for business but you couldn't tell because all the outside
lights were turned off.
I felt kind of guilty there and presumed the watchful moustache of Wilford
Brimley was poised to castigate me, but I take so much of the magic juice
against Beetus that I can usually tolarate ONE undecorated donut. Little
iDRMRSR inhaled a chocolate frosted custard filled donut with sprinkles
(jimmies) on top.
Then I went home to watch my DVD of O LUCKY MAN!, and was cursing the fates
because it was a 2 DVD set and they oanly shipped me DISC 1. Fuckars.
Fortunately, I do own the VHS versian of this flick, which is two tapes, and
cuts off at just the right place so you can continue the story. Howevar, I
had to wait for the steam boilars on my VHS playar to warm up. I had
forgottan just how SMEARY a VHS picture looks nowadays on an HDTV. Though
it's got digital sound. Quite a contrast between sound and video quality.
Heh, took me a while to find the tape in the iDRMRSR vault of select
badfilm. On the way to finding it, I knocked ovar my copy of Forbidden Zone
and Chappaqua and The Monitors. Had it not already been so late (eg early
in the AM) I woulda watched MOAR. But aftar three hours of Malcom
Macdowell, I simply had to succumb to Morpheus' cloak.
[*]
-----
Pisces
> Ate too much candy! I surely MUST have the Beetus by now.
Isnt it funny that on 10/31 (and depending on the quantity , a few
days after) everyone in america gorges themselves on sugar sweetened
goodies.... then on 11/1 Beetus month begins.
I dont give candy, because I hate children. Instead I give out wierd
toys. This year it was bizzare cardboard airplane kits with Bats and
Bugs on them and little bottle of bubbles. I am THAT LADY, the one who
gives out NO CANDY.
Every year I am left with a BUNCH of cool leftovers for other
events... (like DEVIVALS FOR EXAMPLE!)
This year I was lazy tho, and working late, so 2B put the trinkets in
a shoe box, printed out a picture of a vomitting pumpkin and taped it
to the box and sat it out on the porch. I still had half left over,
which means either the kids REALLY hate me or not many showed up. meh
screw them anyway
They are lucky really, as a kid in the very small neighboorhood i
lived in we had SEVERAL mean non-candy giving adults. One gave DIMES
and told us to "save them" Another lady gave us CHICK TRACTS and told
us if we didnt stop trick or treating RIGHT NOW we were GOING TO HELL,
many folks didnt answer there doors at all BECAUSE THEY WERE AT
CHURCH!!! Also growing up in Lynchburg, VA the ONLY haunted houses we
had were the ones Jerry Fallwell put on which were basically YOU ARE
GOING TO HELL! DONT KILL BABIES! and quite boring..... unless you were
drunk or stoned... then they were REALLY FUNNY!
nu-monet v9.0
>
> Heh, took me a while to find the tape in the iDRMRSR
> vault of select badfilm.
Though it would not be a good idea of putting it on open
source online, I think it would be interesting as hell to
have a restricted access text listing of the libraries of
the various SubGenii film and TV collectors. I have over
a thousand titles in DVD and a lesser number in VCD.
Of course, by eliminating all the mainstream and pop
movies, you're still left with a pretty impressive list
of bizarre and exotic.
Still haven't found Frankenstein 1970 for Reverend Stang
though.
--
Be Sure To Visit the 'SubGenius Reverend' Blog:
http://slackoff.blogspot.com/
***********
"He used a digital program called Photoshop,
and in Photoshop you can do things"
-- NPR, explaining doing things to photos
Rev. Ivan Stang
>
> Still haven't found Frankenstein 1970 for Reverend Stang
> though.
That one's a bugger to locate ANYTHING about! It must be REALLY good.
iDRMRSR
It's out on Amazon.com right now (used, of course).
There's 9, err, make that 8 now, copies for sale.
[*]
-----
Amos Happ
Jerry's in Berlin, the enthusiastic dude working graveyard playing
vintage hair metal power ballads kept plying Raki & I with copious
free Jager shots and blow!
Rev. Back It On Up
You've got Beetus Envy.
Hey - Dr. Hal is One Of Us as well, isn't he. I'm in such excellent
company!
NeuroManson
soft drinks and whatnot, that my pancreas would be hopping out of my gut
like a chestbursting xenomorph, but instead my health probs are just due to
drinking Ted Kennedy scale booze. On a good note, however, I make just
enough to live, but not enough to afford huge medical bills, so the good
samaritan clinic is giving me free health care, as opposed to paying my
current $384 bill. Woo!
"Rev. Ivan Stang" <st...@subgenius.com> wrote in message
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