Bizarro world
Salamander
On the trail with John Wayne Kerry and the artist formerly known as George
Bush
Townhall.com ^ | 10/26/04 | Kathleen Parker
In a transparent attempt to attract liberal voters just days before the
election, President George W. Bush made a conspicuous display of getting a
facial and manicure between stump speeches late last week.
Looking nearly luminous following the facial, which included a lymphatic
drainage massage and paraffin masque, Bush seemed relaxed despite a grueling
schedule. A Bush spokesperson insisted that the president had not sought
collagen lip-poofing injections despite urging by consultants from the
sensitive-male makeover firm Big Bangs for Your Buck.
Then Monday, while opponent John Kerry was participating in Key West's
annual Ernest Hemingway He-Man marlin-fishing tournament sponsored by the
Pistol and Enema Club, Bush was spotted sipping sangria in a South Beach
tapas bar.
Bush, a recovering alcoholic, dismissed curious onlookers demanding an
explanation for his sudden interest in wine and launched into a surprisingly
detailed soliloquy about the club's Art Deco design.
"This is just a FAB-ulous example of the cubic forms and zigzag designs that
characterize the best of Art Deco. I adore the terra-cotta facing. But of
course my affection for the style really is a reflection of my lifelong
affair with Egyptology as well as my fascination with the Bauhaus School."
Bush critics were quick to suggest that the president is a hypocrite and a
phony for apparently concealing his artistic side all these years,
preferring to shape a faux-cowboy image in an effort to stimulate his
testosterone-rich retro base.
"I feel betrayed, as I'm sure every American does," said Kerry during an
emergency visit to a local dermatologist for a serious sunburn - a side
effect of overusing wrinkle treatments involving alpha hydroxy acid.
Despite this minor setback, Kerry was in high spirits thanks to his trophy
marlin. As he hauled the flip-flopping fish onto the deck of his wife's
boat, "Camelot," Kerry ignored his bloodied and blistered hands and beamed
for photographers.
"I've earned Purple Hearts for less than this," he said, poking fun at
himself in his characteristically self-effacing way. Reporters laughed
appreciatively and, in a moment sure to catch the attention of the Bush
campaign, joined in a brief group hug.
Kerry's tone turned suddenly somber as he segued into a fish tale from long
ago.
"Of course this fishing expedition has been tons of fun," he began. Then,
apparently remembering who he was supposed to be in that particular instant,
he corrected himself:
"No, wait, I mean, hell, man, I haven't had this much fun since I was a
dadgum Swiftee in Vietnam, much as I hate to bring up the war in which I was
wounded three times and received the Silver Star and Bronze Star as a Swift
Boat captain.
"But anytime I fish, which I do pretty much whenever I'm not huntin', I
can't help remembering one Christmas when my men and I pulled a few fish
from the Mekong and, with a couple of bread loaves baked by some local
Cambodian women, who were lesbians, we managed to feed a multitude. It was a
miracle - just like embryonic stem cell research."
Kerry became perceptibly emotional at this point, obviously remembering his
friend Christopher Reeve, who, according to Kerry's running-mate, John
Edwards, would have been walking by now if not for Bush's "ignorant" belief
that human life shouldn't be deliberately destroyed for scientific research
with the financial backing of the federal government.
Asked later to comment on Kerry's Vietnam remarks, Bush seemed annoyed at
the interruption. He had been listening to a recording of himself reciting
T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," one of many poems Bush
has committed to memory, and was finishing an oil painting of a
Kennebunkport seascape, which he intended to donate to an AIDS fund-raising
auction.
"I have nothing but admiration for my opponent's service to our country, and
I see no profit in comparing notes on what happened 30 years ago," he said,
dabbing perspiration from his brow with a monogrammed handkerchief. "These
forays into one-upmanship devalue the currency and demean us all."
Suddenly Bush excused himself, saying he had to rush back to Washington for
dinner with Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder. "We're working on a summit
for early April," he said. Then, pursing his lips in a failed attempt to
conceal his obvious delight, Bush said:
"Jacques has promised to uncork a 1914 Lafite-Rothschild. Don't you just
love Paris in springtime?"