memory, christmas, fear, etc...

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Erin Zhu

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Dec 23, 1991, 3:30:30 PM12/23/91
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I have a question that I've been wondering about for a while: how much
memory about childhood would I normally remember? I keep seeing posts
talking about suppressed memories, or holes in childhood memories, and
so on, and I seem to feel that I hardly remember anything about specific
events in my life before, say, age 10. I can name things like where I
lived, went to school, etc, but I only have a few memories of how I felt
or exact experience of doing something. Most of what I remember seem
to be from a third person viewpoint, consisting of facts of the sort that
someone who isn't me _could_ remember just as well as me. I know that I
was neglected and lonely most of the time, but that's only an abstract
idea that I can see from hindsight. Any comments as to whether this
is normal, or signs of anything?

Comments on other things: Christmas/vacation issue, I managed to tell my
parents after lots of deliberation that I wasn't going to see them this
Christmas, as they would not tolerate the presence of my SO, who is the
only person I would feel safe with around my father (the perp). This was
rather difficult as they sent me plane tickets and everything, and were
calling frequently to ask when I was free to go and so on (I haven't
seen them for six months). Can't believe how much I was shaking when I
finally got around to calling my mother and telling her that (I gave a
stupid excuse, but the result was what counted). I would visit some
other time, but at my own choice and with whoever I want to bring with
me.

Winnie: I don't think it's childish at all to be afraid of what might
seem silly. I never worry about vampires, but corpses in various
stages of decay, or people hiding in the dark about to attack me, are
almost always on my mind if I were alone near somewhere dark. It seem
to have started when I was little, when I'd stare at various spots at
night and make up stories about what scary thing it might be, and
scare myself shitless even though there's several other people sleeping
in the same room. It might also have to do with the fact that my
parents used to physically fight at night when us children were in bed
in the same room, and I tried my best to crawl deeper into the sheets
and avoid hearing about my mother banging into the furniture. Even
now I can't stand violent/scary movies, and was a serious nervous
wreck when watching a movie having to do with a girl alone in a house
scared of a man breaking in. Reminded me too much of waiting in the
middle of the night for my father to silently come in my room, shaking
with fear every night knowing that there's nothing I can do about it.
Thankfully there's someone I trust sleeping with me now, so I don't
have to be afraid of intruders so much.

To everybody: I'll be around over Christmas, so feel free to write if
you want to talk to somebody in this festive season (more commercial
than festive, I must say... I'm not buying _any_ presents for anybody
else, good thing my SO doesn't believe in Christmas presents). Best
wishes for the New Year, hope everyone survive, and hugs if anyone
wants them.

--Erin

abe...@enh.nist.gov

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Dec 24, 1991, 4:39:56 PM12/24/91
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In a previous article, z...@widder.harvard.edu (Erin Zhu) asks a question
about how much we should really remember about our childhood, which I can't

answer since I remember so little, and then says:
>Comments on other things: Christmas/vacation issue, I managed to tell my
>parents after lots of deliberation that I wasn't going to see them this
>Christmas, as they would not tolerate the presence of my SO, who is the
>only person I would feel safe with around my father (the perp). This was
>rather difficult as they sent me plane tickets and everything, and were
>calling frequently to ask when I was free to go and so on (I haven't
>seen them for six months). Can't believe how much I was shaking when I
>finally got around to calling my mother and telling her that (I gave a
>stupid excuse, but the result was what counted). I would visit some
>other time, but at my own choice and with whoever I want to bring with
>me.

Congratulations for not going to see the perp on his terms. I have similar
experiences with my parents when they ask me to do something minor or even
visit (we live <5 mi from them). I shake and make up stupid excuses for
not doing it. I do feel like I am getting to the point where I can just
say no (where have I heard that before?) without an excuse, and feel good
about it. I shouldn't need to lie and manipulate to get what I want.

>Winnie: I don't think it's childish at all to be afraid of what might

>seem silly. [specifics deleted]

I always thought this was strange: Between the ages of about eight and
fourteen, and even a little bit until now, I feared that every car
passing me on the street while I walked would try to hit me. If I
heard or saw a car coming, I would walk between parked cars or near trees
so if the car *was* going to hit me, it would have to hit something else
first and probably not get me. This still happens although infrequently.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to overcome these "irrational" fears?

E-hugs to everyone.

________
Sim David Aberson aberson%3338...@sdsc.edu \ /
"Now that it is increasingly clear that HIV can be transmitted to \ /
heterosexuals...the self-righteous must find another reason for \ /
gay-bashing." -Bishop Desmond Tutu \/

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