X-Rated Jokes (WWW.RNE.COM)
SEAN MCFARLANDS
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X-RATED JOKES 1.00
The biker's old lady nagged and pestered him until he finally caved in
and bought two expensive tickets to an upcoming David Allen Coe
concert.
Weeks later, on the opening night of the show, there sat the biker's
old lady in the front row, with an empty seat beside her.
"Excuse me, miss," said the man behind her, "but I happen to know that
tickets to this concert sold out weeks ago, and I was wondering if you
got two seats for privacy, or if someone was unable to come with you."
"Well," she said, "this empty seat was reserved for my late husband."
"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear about that," said the man. "Wasn't
there a friend or a relative tht could've come in his place?"
"Naw," said the old lady. "They're all at his funeral."
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Two guys were sitting at a bar talking about their wives. "My old
lady is so ugly," one said, "that the beauty parlor told her there was
nothing more they could do."
"You think that's bad?" the other man asked. "I took my wife to a
plastic surgeon and asked him what he could do to make my wife look
better. The only thing he could think of was adding a tail."
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Question: Why did the hillbilly walk his kid to elementary school
every day?
Answer: They were in the same grade.
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A flat-chested girl with limited funds went to a surgeon to get her
breasts enlarged. The surgeon performed the cheapest procedure
possible, which entailed the girl flapping her arms up and down to
enlarge her breasts.
Afterward, the girl went to the local bar to see what kind of reaction
her new tits would get. She decided to flash them at a man who was
standing alone in the corner. As she walked toward him, she pumped
her tits as big as they'd go. "Hi," she said coyly, "don't I know
you?"
"No," he answered, furiously pumping his legs together, "but I think
we have the same doctor."
2
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A Texas oil man was travelling across the desert in Israel. Dying of
thirst, he happened upon a small, wooden shack, the only building he'd
seen for 100 miles. He aimed the Mercedes toward the driveway, got
out, walked up to the door and knocked. A little old Jewish man
peeked out.
The Texan roared, "Can a cowboy get some water?"
"Sure. Vhy not?"
The little Jewish man walked the Texan around the back to the well and
poured him some water from a bucket. As the Texan drank, he looked
over the tiny property and remarked, "How big a spread you got here,
son?"
The little Jewish man said, "Vell, mine property line goes from dat
rock over dere to dat iron pipe, den it comes cross da front of mine
house to dat dere tree, unt den back to da chicken coop...unt finally,
back to de rock."
Arrogantly the Texan smiled and said, "Why back in Texas, ma spread's
so big, I climb into my car at daybreak and don't get out of my
driveway until two o'clock."
The little Jewish man looked up at the Texan and said: "I know vhat
you mean - I had a car like dat once too."
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Question: What do you call two women in a freezer?
Answer: Cold cunts.
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A man walked into his supervisor's office after being turned down for
another raise and said, "You know, you don't ever have to worry about
getting hemorrhoids."
"Why's that?" asked his boss.
"Because when God made you, he made the perfect asshole!"
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X-rated Movie: Boy-meats-girl story.
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A surburban woman and three friends were playing bridge one evening.
When the hostess's husband came into the room and announced that he
was going to bed, she unzipped his fly, took out his penis, kissed it
and said goodnight.
The other three women were dumbstruck. "Helen, that's the most
disgusting thing I've ever seen!" one exclaimed.
"You wouldn't think it was so disgusting," she replied, "if you ever
smelled his breath."
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3
McCreedy and Berstein are walking down the sidewalk when a beautiful
girl comes walking toward them.
McCreedy says, "Let's fuck her!"
Bernstein says, "Fuck her out of what?"
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Question: How can you tell the Irishman in the hospital ward?
Answer: He's the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.
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Question: What's an Italian "10"?
Answer: No crabs in her moustache.
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Burford comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen on all
fours, wearing nothing but her bathrobe, scrubbing the kitchen floor.
He comes up behind her, lifts up her robe, fucks her fast and hard
doggie-style, and then smacks her in the head.
"She screams, "Burford! I let you do something so nice like that!
What'd you hit me for?"
He says, "For not looking to see who it was!"
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Did you hear about the girl who had three chances to get pregnant?
She blew 'em all.
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Did you hear about the Frenchman who had three chances to get his wife
pregnant?
he muffed it every time.
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The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the
royal stable, so she calls President Bush, who decides to meet her in
Lexington, Kentucky.
When they get there, they decide to go for a ride. They're just
pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and
"Lbbttt!" - out comes a monstrous fart.
The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"
Bush says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"
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4
Question: Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
Answer: So they can run their fingers through their hair.
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Question: What's the difference between a bartender and a
proctologist?
Answer: A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.
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A little old lady walks into a drugstore and says to the kid behind
the counter, "Excuse me, have you got cotton balls?"
He says, "What do I look like, lady? A rag doll?"
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Question: Which maids are best in bed?
Answer: The ones who can change mop handles with their hands tied
behind their backs.
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A guy prances into a San Francisco dentist's office, sits down in the
chair, and takes out his dick.
The dentist says, "What the hell are you doing? I'm a dentist!"
The guy says, "There's a tooth in there!"
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Question: Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair?
Answer: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they would
have filled up with mud.
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Professor Legman goes to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so
he decides to stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. Every once
in a while, he reaches over and tickles her pussy.
After a few minutes of this, she says, "Legman! Will you stop
reaching over and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you! I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn
the page."
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Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. As he examines her, he
says, "Mrs. Johnson, that is the huges vagina I have ever, ever seen!"
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes
a big mirror down off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all
her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs, and looks down.
5
Just then, her husband walks in early from work. He says, "What the
hell are you doing?
She says, "Ummm...I'm exercising!"
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."
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Question: What's the difference between a Jewish girl and a puppy?
Answer: The puppy stops whining after a few weeks.
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Question: How is an elephant like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Answer: The both come in buckets.
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Norris is whittling. He doesn't realize his zipper is open, and he
almost cuts off his dick. His dick looks up and says, "You know,
we've had a lot of fistfights, but I never thought you'd pull a knife
on me!"
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Question: What's the best way to make a pussy talk?
Answer: Put a tongue in it.
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Question: What's the difference between a bandleader and a
gynecologist?
Answer: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his
fingers.
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Two gynecologists meet at lunch. The first one says, "I had a patient
this morning with a clit like a pickle."
The second one says, "That big or that green?"
The first one says, "That sour!"
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Question: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Answer: Nothing. They're both stuck-up cunts.
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Question: How can you make a Jewish girl scream twice?
Answer: Fuck her real hard and then wipe your dick on the drapes.
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6
Guido walks into a bar and says to the bouncer, "Hey, you want to hear
a Polish joke?"
The bouncer says "Pal, I'm six foot two, 220 pounds, and I'm Polish.
See the other bouncer? He's six foot six, 270 pounds, and he's
Polish. See the bartender? Six foot seven, 290 pounds, and Polish.
Stil want to tell me a Polish joke?"
Guido says, "Sure. But would you do me a favor? Would you call them
over here? I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Sign on a whorehouse door: "Out to Lunch. Beat it!"
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Question: What would you call a lesbian who drives a delivery truck
full of dildos?
Answer: A "Dick van Dyke".
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Batman runs into Superman and says, "Hey, Sup! What kind of day did
you have?"
Superman says, "I had a wild day. I was flying over Wonder Woman's
apartment house, and I saw her sunning herself on the roof stark naked
with her legs spread. SoI flew down and gave her a shot."
Batman says, "Man, she must have been surprised!"
Superman says, Nowhere near as surprised as the Invisible Man!"
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Question: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
Answer: An armadildo.
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Did you hear about the queer Indian?
He was a brave sucker.
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Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when
suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing
over the cliff's edge.
As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side
screamed hysterically, "Oh, my God, Clem, we're gonna die!"
"Aw, don't worry about a thing," Clem reassured him, looking below.
"There's a stop sign at the bottom."
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7
The farmer was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and
had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep
in shit, he hollered, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.
The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with
tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in
front of the privy.
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.
"Ain't no fuckin' fire," replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of
the two-holer, "but who the hell would've rescued me if I'd yelled,
'Shit! Shit! Shit!'?"
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Adolescence: The stage of life between puberty and adultery.
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A biker went to a shrink to find out why he was always feeling so
depressed. The shrink, after questioning him about his job, family,
childhood and hobbies, asked the man, "How long is it since you've had
sex?"
The biker sat back and thought for a minute, then reached in his
pocket and said, "It's still about eight inches - why do you ask?"
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Three middle-aged ladies were sitting on a park bench discussing their
husbands.
"My husband's like a sportscar - fast and sleek," said the first one.
The second one remarked, "Mine's more like a Rolls-Royce - smooth,
soft and polished."
The third looked up rather dejectedly and said, "Shit, my old man's
like an old Model-T - you gotta start him by hand, then jump on when
he finally gets going!"
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The old biker had taken to being courteous in his later years,
especially to women. One day when airing his views, he remarked that
he'd never seen an ugly female.
A woman standing near him with a very flat nose, waffled cheeks and no
lips overheard this and said, "I beg your pardon, sir, but can you
look at me and honestly say that I'm not ugly?"
The noble tramp gazed at her and replied, "My dear lady, like the rest
of your sex, you are an angel fallen from the skies. It's not your
fault that you happened to fall on your fuckin' face."
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After 20 years of obedience to his vow of silence, a Trappist monk was
called into the abbot's study and told that he could utter two words.
"Bad food," he said softly. His superior nodded and dismissed him.
Twenty years later, the monk was called again by the abbot. "No
heat," the monk said, head bowed.
By the time he was called again, a new, younger abbot had been
appointed. The monk, an old man now, entered the study waving his
cane. "I quit," he declared.
"So be it," the abbot said. "I hear you bitch too much anyway."
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Question: Where does an Iraqi soldier run during a U.S. air raid?
Answer: All the way down the back of his pants.
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The Pope and a lawyer died at the same time and were standing at the
gates of Heaven.
Saint Peter said, "We've been expecting you two - your rooms are
ready." Then he said to the lawyer, "Excuse me while I take the Pope
to his room; I'll get right back to you and show you your own
quarters."
"Hey, would you mind if I tagged along?" asked the lawyer.
"Not at all," said Saint Peter.
They arrived at the Pope's room. It had a twin bed, a single chair, a
little table and a small radio.
It looked like an everyday motel room.
Saint Peter then took the lawyer to his room, and the attorney was
shocked to see a huge suite with a spacious balcony, a king-sized bed,
a spiral staircase and a wide-screen color TV with remote control,
stereo, VCR, the works.
"This room is terrific!" exclaimed the lawyer. "But why does the Pope
have a dinky little room when I get this fabulous penthouse?"
"Well," said Saint Peter, "we've had many Popes up here, but you're
the first lawyer to ever make it!"
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A French actress is visiting America and has forgotten her cigarette
holder on the plane. She stops into a drug store and asks for "one of
those long round rubber things the fellows use."
"What size?" asks the druggist.
"Oh, give me one that will fit a Camel."
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Question: What did Dracula say to his high school teachers when class
was over?
Answer: "See you next period!"
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The young couple was so dumb, they didn't know how to boil an egg,
much less deliver a baby. So when the time came, the local doctor
came over and did the dirty deed.
"Oh shit," the husband shouted as he watched, "the child is born
without a penis!"
"That's true," said the doctor calmly, "but in eighteen years, she'll
have one hell of a nice place to put one!"
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"Marie, put my wife on the phone," said Mr. Smith. Marie, the maid,
said she couldn't because Madame was in the bedroom with her lover.
"Okay, Marie, go to my den and in my file cabinet you will find my
revolver. Take and shoot both of them. I'll hold on."
"Yessir," said the maid, and a few seconds later two loud gunshots
were heard.
"Good," said the husband. "Now go outside and throw the revolver into
the pool."
There was a long pause. Then the maid said, "Pool? What pool?"
"Isn't this Murray Hill 8-8567?"
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After wining and dining the hot blonde all evening, the guy decided it
was
time to make his move.
"How do you feel about making love to men?" he asked his date.
"That's MY business," she snapped.
"Aha!" he said, "A professional!"
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The same guy, out with a new girl, asked her seductively, "Do you know
what virgins eat for breakfast?"
"No, what?" she replied.
"Hmmmm," he said, "just as I thought."
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Question: Why is it a big mistake for a girl to go to a Chinese
abortionist?
Answer: Because two hours later, she's pregnant again!
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Mommy has one foot up on the bathtub, drying herself with a towel.
"Mommy," asks her little boy, pointing at her pussy, "What's that?"
"That's where Daddy hit me with the axe," she tells him.
"Got you right in the cunt, didn't he?"
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The three sleazy roommates decided it was time they went to
confession. When the priest asked them for their sins, the first
roommate said she had let a
man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them with holy
water.
The second roommate confessed that she had touched a man's cock. The
priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.
The two girls were washing with holy water when the third roommate
joined them. "Move over sluts," she said, "I have to gargle."
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A truck driver was stranded by a blizzard in the Oklahoma panhandle,
so he asked to spend the night at a farmhouse. "All right," said the
farmer, "but you have to sleep with my nineteen-year-old daughter."
That night, just as he was almost asleep, the daughter snuggled close
to the truck driver and whispered in his ear, "I have a really big
hole right between my legs."
"Well, plug it up, will you? I wondered where all that cold air was
coming from."
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The bride slipped in between the sheets on her wedding night, only to
find that her husband had sacked out on the couch.
"Why aren't you going to fuck me?" she asked.
"Because it's Lent," he replied.
The bride burst into tears. "Lent!?" she bawled, "To whom, and for
how long?!"
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There once was a young sailor boy who couldn't resist a bet. He would
make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were
continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated.
The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The
next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after
boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50
dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a
physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The
boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The
Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick
up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the
Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted
to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.
When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken
50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied, "How?"
"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I
didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over.
When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass."
The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left her he
bet me 500 dollars that within 15 minutes he would have a broomstick
shoved up your ass!"
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A dude came home from work and caught his wife balling the next-door
neighbor. He got his gun and forced the neighbor into the garage,
stark naked, where he put the neighbor's cock in the vise. He welded
the vise shut and then started sharpening a knife.
"My God," the neighbor said, "you're not going to cut my dick off, are
ya?"
"No," the dude answered, "YOU are going to cut your dick off. I'M
just gonna set this place on fire."
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Question: Why did the Jew quit eating his wife?
Answer: Some guy called her a pig.
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The balcony of the execution chamber was full as the old black
murderer was led to the electric chair. To put the wires on his legs,
the executioner cut his pants at the knees and the head of his cock
stuck out one of the slits.
The gallery of witnesses began to laugh hysterically.
The old black man looked up with tears in his eyes and screamed,
"Laugh you sons-of-bitches, but if you was as scared as me, yours
would shrink up, too!"
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Bubble bath: Hippie sitting in a mud puddle and farting.
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All excited, Mark went out with a beautiful chick next door - cause
rumors were out that this gal also had a cock, and Mark was determined
to find out for sure.
They parked on a lonely back road and were pretty well getting it on
when the chick had to take a piss. So Mark gave her a few seconds and
then sneaked out to watch her. She was a little ways behind the car
so he bent down and got her between himself and the skyline. Sure
enough, he saw this bg, round, long thing hangind down between his
legs. So he crawled up behind her and grabbed it.
She jumped up, startled, saying, "I didn't know you were back there!"
"No," Mark said, wiping his hands, " and I didn't know you were taking
a shit, either!"
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After driving his car into a utility pole at the corner of
Constitution and Independence Streets, Leroy ran to a nearby phone to
call for help. "You gotta hurry," he told the ambulance dispatcher.
"My brother is knocked out and bleeding to death."
"Where are you?" asked the dispatcher.
"Corner of Independence and Constitution," said Leroy.
"Lessee. I-n-d-p. No. C-o-n-t, hey, just a minute," said Leroy,
running to the corner. After staring at the sign for a while, he ran
back to the phone. "Hello, this is Leroy again. Look, I'm fixin' to
drag this motherfucker to First and Main."
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Jason had a horrible stammer, so he went to his doctor for help.
"Have you thought about consulting a speech therapist?" the doctor
asked.
"Yeah, b-b-but it d-d-didn't help," Jason stammered. "You're my
doctor. C-c-can't you do anything?"
The doctor sighed and chewed at his lower lip. "I'll ry. Undress,
and we'll start with a complete physical." When the young man dropped
his trousers, the doctor gasped. An incredible 18 inches of penis
stretched to Jason's knees.
"The problem is obvious," the doctor told him. "All this extra weight
is pulling on your vocal cords. It's too much of a strain."
"B-b-but what can I do? I'm m-m-miserable like this."
The doctor suggested an organ transplant, and supplied Jason with the
address of a surgeon. The surgeon was one of the best organ-
transplant specialists in the country, and as soon as he located a
donor, he performed the operation. Two months later, Jason's doctor
found Jason waiting for him in the office.
"My stammer's gone, Doc, but my marriage is falling apart. I can't
satisfy my wife the way I used to. I need my old penis back. You
wouldn't happen to know where that donor is, would you?"
Jason's doctor shook his head. "The l-l-last I heard, he'd left the
c-c-country."
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PTL Club: Pay The Lady Club.
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Liberace walked through the Pearly Gates, and the first person to
greet him was Rock Hudson. "Gosh, Lee, it's good to see you, but,
tell the truth, was it really heart failure that got you?"
"It certainly was," lisped Liberace. "That little darlin' stopped
cold the minute the doctor told me I had AIDS!"
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A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith,
you're going to be just fine," the nun said, patting his hand. "We do
have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the amn whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he replied, "but she's a spinster
nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are
married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
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Question: What do a Belgian ferry and a Hollywood hooker have in
common?
Answer: They both go down in a hurry.
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After working and drinking beer all day on the construction site, Bill
really had to take a piss. Being a little light-headed, he wandered
by accident into the explosives-storage room. Not finding a light,
Bill lit a match, and blew the place sky-high. Bill's boss came
running over and heard Bill mutter, "My God, where's my hand?"
"Forget your damn hand, man. We have to get you to a hospital; your
legs are missing," said the panic-stricken boss.
At the hospital, Bill kept screaming, "My hand...my hand...get me my
hand."
The doctor told him, "Listen, man, your legs are gone, and you're
bleeding uncontrollably. What's so important about your goddamn
hand?"
Bill looked at the doctor and screamed, "My dick is still in it!"
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Question: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Answer: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
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The problems of the universe were weighing heavily on God's shoulders,
and He confessed the need for a rest.
"Why don't you take a short vacation, Boss?" suggested the Archangel
Gabriel.
"Yes, but where do I go?"
"How about that little place, Earth? You haven't been there for a
good while."
"Oh, no. It's a world of busybodies," shuddered God. "I was there
2,000 years ago and that's enough. I had a quick fling with a young
Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it down there."
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A famished hobo was on a curb and eating a chicken sandwich when up
came an unleashed poodle. The dog began to beg and whine for a bit of
his food. In a few minutes a lady ran up to retrieve her pet. "Shall
I throw the doggy a little bit, ma'am?" asked the hobo.
The lady murmured her consent, whereupon the tramp caught the dog by
the throat and heaved it over a hedge. "And if he comes back, ma'am,"
the hobo remarked, "I might just throw him a bit more."
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A fag went into a bar and met a big, burly truck driver, and they soon
left together. The next day the fag came back in, all battered and
bruised, with two broken legs and his head bandaged. The bartender
asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well," the fag replied, "that truck driver I left with yesterday
wined me and dined me, then took me up to his apartment and gave me a
bath, powdered me and put me in a beautiful negligee. then he picked
me up in his arms, carried me over to the window by the moonlight and
asked me, 'Are you my little nightingale?'"
"I said yes, and he said, 'Well fly, you little fucker, fly!' and
threw me out the window!"
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Feminine hygiene: Artifical sweetener.
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"Send someone here quickly!" a matronly woman screamed into the phone.
"Two naked bikers are climbing up to my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, ma'am," the voice on the other end of
the phone replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police
Department."
"No, no, it's you I want!" the lady yelled. "They need a longer
ladder!"
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Sodomy: Deep-seated love.
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Early one morning a speeding motorist in a flashy sports car
approached an intersection with a stop sign. Rather than obey the
sign, he merely slowed down, looked around and then sped on.
Hiding in his favorite location, a cop observed the infraction and
gave chase. When he finally overtook the motorist and walked up to
the driver's window, he asked, "May I see your driver's license and
registration please?"
"Sure," said the driver of the sports car, "but why did you pull me
over?"
"Because you ran a stop sign, sir."
"Bullshit," screamed the driver. "I stopped!"
"No you didn't sir. You merely slowed down. You did not stop, I tell
you. When you come to a stop sign, the law says you must come to a
COMPLETE halt."
"I know the difference between slowing down and stopping and I say I
STOPPED!"
"Tell you what," said the police officer. "Come back to my patrol car
for a moment."
The motorist agreed, and when they reached the cruiser, the policeman
reached in and took out his billy club. Suddenly he began beating the
man over the head.
"Now, you asshole," screamed the cop, "what do you want me to do, slow
down or stop?"
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Question: Why are there so few blacks in Alaska?
Answer: They have a tough time growing watermelons up there.
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When the 80-year-old man married the 19-year-old girl, most of his
friends at the retirement home scoffed at the idea because they felt
that the newlyweds' sex life would be nonexistent. However, on his
wedding night the old man had no trouble getting his penis good and
hard.
He turned to his young and eager bride and gently stuck it in.
Several moments went by without him moving.
"What are you waiting for?" asked his bride.
"An earthquake," he replied.
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A beautiful, though somewhat flat-chested, young girl was taking a
walk on the beach when a large wave splashed, and deposited a glass
bottle on the shoreline. The curious girl picked up the bottle and
pulled out the cork. Suddenly the air was filled with smoke and the
sound of laughter. When the smoke cleared, the girl saw a huge
grinning genie standing next to her.
"Your wish is my command!" the genie said.
The girl pursed her lips for a moment, lost in thought. Then she
smiled and said, "I knokw! All my life I've wanted big boobs.
Please, Genie, give me two big boobs!
Lightning flashed, followed by the roar of thunder, and the girl
closed her eyes in fear. When she opened them again, the genie had
vanished, but standing next to her on the beach were Ronald Reagan and
George Bush.
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The commander of a battleship issued a directive that the ass-fucking
taking place on the high seas was to cease immediately. A week later
the first mate came to report that the activity had not ceased.
"How do you know?" the captain asked.
"Well, sir," the mate replied, "The last dick I sucked had shit on
it."
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Conscience: The thing that hurts when everything else feels great.
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A strange-looking woman who was wandering around at a zoo sidled up to
a pen that held a tame boar. She began to pet the animal's bristly
hide, then reached between its legs, grabbed its balls and squeezed as
hard as she could.
The animal squealed, smashed out of the pen and scampered away. A
zookeeper, seeing this activity, rushed over to the pen and dropped
his pants in front of the woman.
"Lady," he said, "you might as well squeeze mine too, 'cause I've
gotta catch that son of a bitch!"
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Question: What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
Answer: Fred Astaire's face.
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The policeman was questioning the shaken young woman. "Please, ma'am,
could you give us a description of the man who made you submit to the
sexual acts?"
The woman thought for a moment and then said, "I'm sorry, officer, but
I was sitting on his face most of the time."
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A very obese man went to his physician. "Doctor," he cried, "I've
tried every diet known to man, and none of them ever worked for me!
Please, isn't there something you can do?"
"There IS a radical new diet method," the doctor informed him, "but
it's still pretty new and untested. It involves no special foods.
You can eat all the fattening foods you desire. All we do is bypass
your stomach entirely and insert food and beverages directly up your
ass."
The fat man was surprised but still willing to give it a try. After
completing instructions, the doctor told him to return in three weeks
for an examination.
When the fat man returned, he sat down and began shifting back and
forth in his chair.
"You seem to be doing just fine," the doctor said. "You've lost 25
pounds already, but the diet seems to have made you nervous."
"Oh, no," the man said, "that's not nerves. I'm just chewing gum!"
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Mass confusion: Father's Day in Harlem.
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Late one night a farmer was riding home with his young daughter in a
buggy. Suddenly they were surprised by an outlaw. The bandit ordered
them to step out, took the man's watch and money and drove off in the
buggy. As the farmer and his daughter walked home, the young girl
began putting on rings, a necklace and watch.
"Hey, girl!" the farmer exclaimed. "How come the robber didn't get
yer valuables?"
"Well, Daddy," she explained, "I'm sorry, but I saw him comin' and
slipped my things up my vergina."
The farmer just sighed and continued walking, looking mournfully
ahead.
"What is it, Daddy?" the girl asked.
"I was just wishin' your momma had been with us," the farmer remarked.
"We coulda saved the horse and buggy too!"
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Question: What do you get after breeding a black man with an Indian?
Answer: A Sioux named Boy.
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Question: What are three things you can't give Jesse Jackson?
Answer: A black eye, a fat lip or a job at the White House.
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Question: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Answer: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off.
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A young mother-to-be was visiting her obstetrician and she asked him
what position she would be in when she gave birth. Her doctor
replied, "You'll be in the same position you were in wehn you got
pregnant."
"Oh, no!" she exclaimed. "You mean I have to have one foot over the
seat and the other one stuck in the steering wheel again?!"
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There once was a woman from Brewster
Who believed that a man had seduced her
But she woke with a scream
It was only a dream
'Twas only the bedspring that goosed her.
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Question: Why did God give Mexicans noses?
Answer: So they'd have something to pick in the off season.
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Question: What's better than a "10"?
Answer: A "7" that swallows.
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One night a guy was getting very drunk in a restaurant. He staggered
back to take a piss, whipping out his penis as he went in the door.
But he'd wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman.
"This is for ladies!" she shouted. "This is for ladies!"
The drunk waved his cock at her. "So's this!" he shouted back.
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Question: Why can't you give a Jap a douche bag?
Answer: She can never find shoes to match.
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Question: What does Marvin Gaye have in common with his records?
Answer: They're both black and have a hole in them.
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Gross: When you dream about chocolate pudding and you wake up with a
spoon in your ass.
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