Star Whores 6 [Jabbawocky]

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Lord Vader

Mar 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM3/27/97

by Jefferson Morris (copyright 1995)

Bib Fortuna stood in a doorway on Dantooine, singing to
himself, his pinkish head tentacles tapping a rhythm on his
"I went to buy some..."
A short, camouflaged bounty hunter with a brown helmet
approached. He spoke in monotone, synthesized syllables.
"Are you Bib? I'm lookin' for some action.
Bib stopped singing and sighed. "Officer," he said, opening
his robe to show that he held no concealed weapons, "I'm clean.
You gonna bust me for nothin', man?"
"I'm not a cop."
"Then why are you askin' me for action?"
"Because he sent me over." The bounty hunter motioned across
the street to where a large wookiee was sitting on a stoop, licking
itself. The wookiee looked up at them balefully, munching a
mouthful of parasites.
Bib looked the bounty hunter over carefully. " Jabba
no badda. Me chaude su goodie."
"Sorry, I can only turn the 'goodies' over to him personally.
Anyway, how's Han?"
"You know Han."
"No, man, I don't know nobody named Han. Go back where you
came from, man, before you get hurt."
"You carry a blaster?"
Bib snarled and lashed out with one of his tentacles. "Get
the fuck outta here, man. Get outta here!"
The bounty hunter whipped a small pistol out from under his
robe and jammed it in Bib's stomach. "Suck on this." He fired,
blasting Bib up against the door.
Bib slipped to the ground, clutching his bleeding stomach.
"De wanna...wanga..."
The bounty hunter put his weapon back in his robe. "We'll
file that under 'Stupid Last Words.'" He turned to the wookiee and
whistled. "Yo, Sparky. Hotwire this thing."
Jabba the Hutt spat out a frog in disgust. "Bosca! Dry as
grandmother's cunt!" Jabba wiped his mouth with a hand which was
encrusted in brilliant gold rings. "Alright, let's see it."
R2D2, sitting quietly in Jabba's Rumpus Room, surrounded by a
bizarre retinue of rubbery-looking creatures, snapped to attention
and beamed a holographic image in front of Jabba.
Luke Skywalker flickered and coughed. "...fuckin' thing on
yet? I thought that light was supposed to blink...Okay, ahem."
Luke straightened out his robes and snorted, clearing his sinuses.
"Greetings, exalted one. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke
Skywalker, Jedi knight and freelance screenwriter..."
Jabba rolled his enormous red eyes. "Oh, great."
"I know you're powerful, mighty Jabba, and your frustration
with hack writers must be equally powerful. I seek an audience
with your greatness to pitch an idea to you..."
Jabba sneered. "Christ, nobody's been stupid enough to pitch
since the Clone Wars. Did this kid grow up on a farm?"
"...with your wisdom, box-office savvy, and directorial
experience, I'm sure we can work out an arrangement which will be
mutually beneficial, and allow us to avoid any unpleasant
confrontations. As a token of my goodwill, I'm going to eat this
plate of crap." Luke reached behind his robe and produced a plate
of feces with a spoon stuck in it. "I hope this will demonstrate
my willingness to go to almost any length to work with an artist as
remarkable as yourself." Luke shoveled a heaping spoonful of shit
into his mouth and swallowed quickly, grinning.
Jabba laughed, and the rest of his courtiers joined in. "The
old Jedi shit-eating trick. Well he'll have to eat a lot worse
than that to get a break in this sector." Jabba waved his hand and
R2 obediently stopped projecting the message. "Get this droid out
of here and mount a camera on him." A couple of Gamorrean guards
dutifully hauled R2 away.
The room fell under a hush as the bounty hunter, leading the
wookiee on a leash, entered the throne room. He cleared his throat
and addressed Jabba. "Herr Direktor, I've got a nice deal for you--
Chewbacca. Good condition. Beautiful coat. Nothing beats the
look and feel of real fur." He ran his hand through Chewbacca's
pelt, making it catch the light. "Very healthy. What's your
Jabba smiled broadly, green saliva spilling out of both
corners of his mouth. "Bo Shuda."
Bo, a gaunt-looking man in a green robe, approached
immediately. "Yes, your grace."
"Translate for me."
"But he's speaking English."
"What's 'English?' Just do what I say."
"Very well, Lord." Bo turned to the bounty hunter. "Okay,
"Whatever. Jabba will gladly pay you the reward of 25,000."
"As long as he pays it twice."
Bo turned to Jabba. "50,000. No less."
Jabba smirked. "Why the fuck should I pay 50,000 for that
moth-eaten hound?"
Boushh paused. "Oh, I don't know." He pulled a thermal
detonator out from under his robe, then blanched in mock surprise.
"Oh, wow! I've been looking everywhere for this."
Jabba laughed. "This bounty hunter is my kind of scum,
strapped and emotionally volatile. How about 35?"
Boushh thought for a moment. "Okay. But that's a friend
price." He put the detonator back in his pocket. "Zebus."
Jabba attempted to clap his hands, but couldn't quite get them
to meet. "Guards! Take this wookiee to the make-up department.
Shave him, we can use the hair for wigs."
With the tension in the room released, Boushh began mingling
awkwardly with the courtiers, most of whom were stoned. Some had
strangely unarticulated faces which allowed them no capacity for
speech. He made his way to a corner.
"Man, this whole place smells of latex."
Boba Fett approached tentatively, holding a couple of drinks
in his hand. He held one out to Boushh. "Have one, they're pretty
good. Make sure you eat the worm."
Boushh held the glass up to the light. "What's in this?"
Boba shrugged. "A little JD, a little SoCo, a little Squood.
Apart from that, only what you take with you." Boba handed Boushh
a straw. "I haven't seen you around. I'm Boba."
"Yeah, I heard. You're Ubese, aren't you?
"Uh, I guess."
"That's great. So..." Boba scratched the back of his neck
awkwardly. "Do you like to uh...have fun?"
Boushh sighed. "I don't know. Fun usually doesn't turn me
"Well it does me. I love fun."
"That's not uncommon."
"I always have. Ever since I was a kid." Boba laughed
"That's great." Boushh sipped his drink and tried to think of
a way to bow out gracefully. "Uh...I have to piss."
"Go right ahead."
"Where's the toilet?"
Boba laughed. "Hell, you're in it. Didn't you see the drains
in the floor? We're a very open community here." He reached into
his pants, pulled out his cock, and began urinating in front of
Boushh. "See? Nobody freaks. Go ahead, whip it out."
"Ah...maybe later. Excuse me, I have to...walk to the other
side of the room." Boushh handed his drink back to Boba and began
slipping away.
Boba flicked his cock twice and zipped up. "Yeah, well I
guess I'll see you around."
Lurking in the shadows at one corner of the room, Lando
Calrissian slowly pulled down part of his facemask, taking a better
look at Boushh, who was now cornered by a throng of jawas.
Boba noticed him and strode over. "Hey, Calrissian! What the
hell are you lookin' at? Quit fuckin' around and get back to
Lando spat. "I ain't buck-dancin' for your ass. You're not
my boss."
"You'll buck-dance when I say so. If it wasn't for me, you
wouldn't even have this job."
Lando sighed and pushed his mask back up. "Oh that's right,
I never thanked you did I? Thank you ever so fucking much."
"That's enough lip, boy. If I hadn't taken you here, you'd
have still been on Cloud City when that little...accident
"They told me they fixed the antigrav supports. I trusted
them. It's not my fault."
"Tell that to the schmucks who were unlucky enough to be
residents when Cloud City became Falling-through-the-Clouds City,
then Splashing City, then Laying-at-the-Bottom-of-the-Fuckin'-Ocean
Lando put his hand to his chest. "My heart is breaking. It
wasn't my fault anyway, it was that Skywalker. He took over the
station and fucked everything up."
"That's it, blame somebody else." Boba sniffed the air.
"Hey, the shit smell in here is so thick I can almost see it. Why
don't you find yourself a mop and fulfill your potential?"
"Why don't you kiss my black ass?"
Carefully stepping amongst the sleeping courtiers, Boushh made
his way across the room to the far wall. In the wall was an
archway, and above the archway, a sign: CARBONITE SCULPTURE GARDEN.
He quietly stepped through.
The walls were lined with frozen forms in various unusual
contortions. Stormtroopers, Bloodsniffers, Greenies, Digworms,
Snaggletooths, Wookiees, Sauropteroids, Pterosaurs, and other
humanoids, many of them engaged in sadomasochistic sex acts, were
arranged everywhere. The figures bore unusual titles: 'Stepping in
Badure', 'Queernica', 'Star Wars.'
Boushh shook his head and muttered to himself. "Great. How
the hell am I supposed to find him?" In one corner of the gallery,
he came upon a human-looking figure, stuck in a position vaguely
similar to the one Han was in when he was frozen. It even had a
sizable erection. It's features weren't visible, as if too much
carbonite had been used. The title: 'Performance Pressure II.'
Boushh shrugged and hit a switch located on the base of the
figure. "Here goes nothing." The figure began to glow and a
humming sound began to emanate from it. The carbonite melted off
the penis first, which slowly drooped as it was freed. When all
the carbonite was gone, a nude man with dark hair fell out onto the
floor. Boushh dragged the shivering man into the light to get a
better look at him.
"Fuck," Boushh muttered. It wasn't Han. The man had fairly
nondescript features, with a black moustache. His only outstanding
asset was his penis, which even flaccid was a good 7 inches long.
He coughed and reached out blindly, feeling Boushh's helmet.
Boushh pushed his hands away, annoyed. "Jesus, man. Relax.
You're free of the carbonite. You have hibernation sickness."
"I can't see."
"Well that must suck."
"Where am I?"
"Jabba's sculpture garden. Dantooine."
"Who are you?"
"Someone who was lookin' for someone else. I'm sorry to wake
you up and everything. I've gotta be discreet, you understand.
I'm gonna have to refreeze you."
The man shuddered. "No! No, wait, I'll do anything, man.
I'll suck your cock, I'll drink your piss, anything! But don't
freeze me again." The man found Boushh's hand and shook it
vigorously. "Nice to meet you. My name's Peter. My friends call
me Biggs."
"Why do they call you that?"
"Am I wearing pants?"
"Oh, yeah. 'Biggs,' huh? How did you get in here?"
"I was working here. I'd just quit the Academy, and I needed
a job. I figured with my dick I could make it in pornos, so I came
here and auditioned for Jabba. He cast me and everything. But I
couldn't get it up on the set. I don't know why, it never happened
before. Anyway, they had to get another actor at the last minute.
Jabba got so pissed that he, uh...well, here I am."
"Yeah. Well, Biggs, it was real nice talkin' to you, but I've
gotta put you back in the fridge..."
"No, no, wait! Have a heart man, I feel like I've been up
there forever. Have you got a cigarette?"
Boushh sighed. "I guess. Unfiltered?"
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
Boushh fumbled in his pocket and produced a cigarette and a
Zippo. He stuck the cigarette between Biggs' lips and lit it.
Biggs took a long drag, then coughed. "Oh, man. That is so
good. Can you believe people ever thought these were bad for you?
So anyway, who were you looking for?"
"Uh...I'm sure you don't know him."
"I know lots of people. Try me."
"Han Solo."
"Oh yeah. I remember him. Good old Han."
"You're just saying that, aren't you?"
"Well I don't really know him. Last I saw Jabba had him
chained up."
"When was that?"
"The day I was frozen. Must've been years ago. The stardate
was 7504.2."
Boushh glanced at his watch. "That was the day before
Biggs coughed loudly. "No shit? Goddamn, it seemed like
"How far away is Han? Will it take us long to get there?"
"You must have walked right by him. My luck, huh? And you
could have unfrozen anybody, but you unfroze me. Do you believe in
Boushh took out his blaster, cocked it, and pressed it up
against Biggs' ear. "Recognize this sound?"
"Then tell me where he is."
Boushh made his way back through the rumpus room, scanning the
area. He spotted a small alcove set into the wall. Behind him,
Biggs was following and whispering.
"I mean, there must be dozens of guys frozen in there, but out
of all of them..."
Boushh turned and glared at him. "I thought you were blind."
"Well, hibernation sickness isn't so bad when you've only been
frozen for a couple days."
Boushh looked into the alcove. Sure enough, Han Solo was
lying in it, asleep. He seemed healthy, if a bit oddly dressed.
He wore a two-piece dancing girl's outfit. His face was heavily
made up, and he appeared to be wearing some kind of female wig.
Biggs snickered. "Man, that must be humiliating. I guess I
didn't have it so bad."
"Shut up!" Boushh hissed as he knelt over Han. He shook him
Han's eyes flickered, and he pushed Boushh away, half-asleep.
"Go away. I'm exhausted."
"Han, it's me."
"Well that really narrows it down."
"Someone who loves you."
"Jabba, I told you, I'm tired."
"I'm not Jabba, goddamnit."
Han opened his eyes a little wider, rolling over. "Luke?"
"No!" Boushh pulled off his helmet, revealing himself to
...Leia! Goddamn, what a surprise. She shook her long dark
hair free, letting it spill over her shoulders. "I've come to
rescue you."
Han blinked. "Who the fuck are you?"
She frowned. "I'm Leia."
"You're what?"
"Leia Organa, princess of the asteroid belt formerly known as
Alderaan. I went down on you on Cloud City, remember?"
Han rubbed the scar on his chin, thinking. "Hmmm...Oh, yeah.
That brunette number with the tits. Yeah, I remember you now.
Uh...How's it goin'?"
"I missed you." Leia's eyes glittered seductively. "I mean
I really, really missed you."
"Look, your worship, I don't know what you think we had,
but...well, I mean, you give good head and everything, but...You
know, I'm a smuggler. A smuggler has a certain lifestyle. I
travel a lot. I meet a lot of different life forms. I
need...latitude, you know? Latitude. I'm not the kind of guy to
restrict myself know, one particular..." Han sighed, and
rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Anyway, it's uh...nice to see
"It's nice to see you." Leia was already taking off her
cumbersome Boushh outfit. She pulled her robes off and began
unzipping the front of her jumpsuit. Freeing her breasts from the
fabric, she presented them to Han. "Why don't we get reacquainted?
I've been waiting for so long. Other men, you know...I thought we
really had something. I haven't...felt like that with any other
guy. And I've been with plenty of other guys. Believe me.
Legions. All over the galaxy. I mean, if you laid their dicks end
to end..." Leia smiled sheepishly. "I'm rambling, sorry." She
unlatched Han's codpiece and pulled it off. She gripped his penis
tightly, working it up and down.
Han found himself hardening rather quickly. "Well, your
worship, I guess it's the least I can do." Pulling himself up to
his knees, he helped Leia out of the rest of her clothes. She
still clasped him tightly in her hand. When she had disrobed
completely, she leaned over and hungrily took him into her mouth,
closing her eyes. She moaned contentedly.
Han caught his breath and tried to relax. Then he noticed
Biggs, who was staring unashamedly at them. "Hey, Limpy. Didn't
expect to see you out and about."
Biggs blushed, remembering his 'failure at the cave.' "At
least I'm not anybody's bitch," he retorted.
"Would you excuse me, I'm trying to receive a blowjob here."
Han gently stroked Leia's hair. She was so absorbed in the act she
didn't even notice their conversation.
Biggs shook his head. "She could probably fit you between the
gap in her teeth."
Han laughed. "Well yours is elastic enough to fit just about
anywhere. You know there are doctors who can treat that."
"If the mood's right, I can fuck a chick six ways to
Saheelindeel. My problem was just a one time thing. I've got
paternity suits in twelve systems. I can make a girl come faster
than a souped-up hyperdrive."
"Even an Alderaanian?"
"Alderaanian, Schmalderaanian."
"Oh, really?"
"I'd bet on it."
"How much."
Biggs shrugged. "How much you got?"
Han smirked. "With the tips I make in this place? Can you
cover a man's wager? 3000?"
"I'm good for it."
"Then be my fucking guest." Han took Leia firmly by the
shoulders. "Hey,'s Leia, right? Limpy here would like a
Leia glanced around at Biggs. "Him? It's an accident he's
even here." Biggs was already down on his knees, rubbing his
"Do it for me, huh? I'll stick with you, I promise." Han
flashed his most disarming grin and pinched her cheek.
"Will you finish what you begin?"
Han laughed. "Hey. It's me."
Leia sighed. "Alright." She turned around. Biggs was
already on top of her, rolling her over onto her back. Leia
resisted slightly. "Whoa, slow down. Do you have money on this or
Biggs began licking the inside of her thigh. Moving over to
her mons pubis, he nuzzled the hair with his nose, then began
flicking lightly at Leia's clitoris, which was already engorged.
Taking it between his teeth, he twisted his head in a circular
Leia moaned. "Hey, you're pretty good at this. Maybe it was
fate." While still chewing her clitoris softly, Biggs inserted a
finger into her vagina. Leia closed her eyes. "Oh, index finger,
where have you been all my life?"
Han piped up. "Come on, don't get all mushy on him, Princess.
Proof's in the pudding. Is he set yet?"
Leia looked down at Biggs prick. "Oh yeah, he's almost
ready." Biggs grinned and put his middle finger into her, then his
ring, then his pinky. Soon all five fingers were plunging in and
out. Leia began squirming ecstatically.
"Oh, yes...Yes!"
Biggs spat out Leia's clit and smiled at Han. "See that,
Solo? And I'm not even wearing my academy ring. There's a word
for this--technique."
Han rolled his eyes. "That's not technique. It's overkill.
Stuff ten fingers in there, why don't you? Stick your foot in.
Shit, give a Corellian a blade of grass..."
"Well I don't have any grass," Biggs drawled, removing his
hand, "but I got a few nuts that are ready for planting." Aiming
his prick, which was a full 13 inches long by now, he gently forced
it inside. Leia's labia was stretched to the limit.
She gasped. "Thank the maker!" She got up onto her elbows,
watching Biggs do his work, gaping at the size of his prick as it
periodically disappeared inside her. "Fate. Definitely fate."
Biggs quickened his stroke at a geometric rate, rocking Leia
back and forth and banging her head against the back wall. Her
eyes rolled up into the back of her head and saliva began to spill
from the corners of her mouth. Biggs cock was nearly purple, and
Leia's secretions were forming a small pool underneath them. She
moaned louder.
"Yes. No. Yes! No! Yes!!"
Biggs quickly covered her mouth. "Careful, honey. You'll
wake the neighbors."
Leia yanked his hand away, hyperventilating. "No!! Yes!!
No!!! YES!!! CHRIST, NO!!! OH FUCK YEAH!!!!" Leia's entire body
spasmed as she experienced the most shattering climax of her life.
Her eyes fluttered and she fell back, unconscious, her entire body
drenched in sweat.
As Biggs continued pumping away, he picked up Leia's limp
wrist and looked at her watch. "78 seconds. Ready to concede,
Han looked on impassively. "That'll be the day."
After a few more quick strokes, Biggs had an orgasm of his
own, quietly ejaculating into Leia. He withdrew himself and patted
his prick. "Knew you wouldn't let me down."
An unidentified voice called out from across the room. "Cut!
Impressive." The lights in the room came up, revealing the
courtiers, who had apparently all been feigning sleep. A curtain
in the back of the room parted, revealing Jabba, sitting quietly on
his dais, holding a megaphone. "Most impressive. I guess your
skills were complete, Biggs."
Han rubbed the back of his neck. "Great." R2D2 wheeled his
way out of the shadows, a large camera mounted on his head.
Jabba motioned to R2. "Did you get all that?" R2 bleeped an
Biggs pulled himself to his feet. "Uh...Your excellency? Did
you like my performance? Really?"
"Very professional. Too bad you couldn't manage it a few days
"But I'm cured now. Send me out! Give me a lead!"
"Oh, really?" Jabba snapped his fingers. R2 hit Biggs' groin
with a spotlight and began filming again. Biggs bit his lip and
smiled awkwardly. His penis began to shrivel immediately,
decreasing in size until it was no bigger than a walnut.
"Umm...Uh, it's just...uh, well, I just had an orgasm. Gimme a
"I already did, and you blew it. Guards!" Two Gamorreans
took hold of Biggs and began dragging him away while Jabba laughed.
"Hey, it's cool, Biggs. We'll do lunch sometime."
Jabba turned his attention to Leia, who was still out like a
light. "Hmmm...I like her dedication. Nice tits. And the bounty
hunter thing was clever. We'll film a little more with her
tomorrow. Take her to central casting."
Lando emerged from the shadows and began dragging Leia out by
one foot. She left a long smear of sweat on the floor.
Han noticed him as he passed by. "Lando?"
Lando avoided his gaze. "Uh, no."
Han pulled off Lando's helmet and held him under a light.
"I'm not Lando."
"Of course you are."
"No I'm not. Lando is...somebody else I've never met and
haven't even heard about and who definitely isn't me."
"Why didn't you tell me you were here? Look at you, a
responsible janitor. Who'd have thought that, huh?"
"It's been nice talking to you, but I've never met you and
don't know what you're talking about." Lando pulled himself free
and dragged Leia out of the room.
Jabba looked at Han and laughed. "You certainly have a way
with people. Now come over here. We're gonna play 'Where's
Han shuddered. "Do I have to?"
"I'm afraid so."
Han approached the dais tentatively. "Can't I just give you
my tips from last week? You're throwing away a fortune here, don't
be a fool."
Jabba smiled as Bo Shuda gently tied a large blindfold over
his eyes. He quivered with excitement. "Where's the froggy?
Where is my froggy?"
Han sighed, then reached into Jabba's frog bowl. He picked
out a particularly plump specimen, then took a roll of duct tape
which was lying next to the bowl and began wrapping tape around the
frog. He recited his usual lines listlessly. "The froggy's coming
home, Jabba."
"More feeling, Solo! Where's froggy?"
Han put a little more pep in his voice. "Froggy's coming.
Froggy's coming back home." He began rubbing the terrified frog's
genitals under Jabba's nose. "Is this froggy's house?"
Jabba sniffed. "Froggy's not home yet. Where's froggy?"
Han rubbed the frog under one of Jabba's armpits. "Is this
froggy's house?"
"Froggy's not home yet. Where's froggy?!"
He rubbed it in Jabba's left ear, then his right. "Is this
froggy's house? Froggy can't find his house."
Jabba bounced up and down, whining like a child. "Froggy's
not home yet. Come home, froggy!"
Han stuffed the frog between Jabba's slavering lips. "Is this
froggy's house?"
Jabba rolled the frog in his mouth, then spat it back at Solo,
who caught it deftly. "Froggy's not home yet! Froggy!" Jabba
began to cry, then slowly rolled his enormous bulk over, revealing
the toilet which was built into the dais. An overpowering stench
was released. Some of the courtiers fainted.
Han breathed carefully through his mouth. "Could froggy's
house be down here?"
"Come home, Froggy!"
Searching through rolls of fat, Han found Jabba's anus. He
rubbed the frog around the rim. "Could this be froggy's house?"
Jabba clapped his hands. "FROGGY!!"
Han braced himself and plunged the frog deep into Jabba's ass.
When it was firmly in place, he pulled his arm out immediately,
holding it away from himself. The courtiers cheered and began
chanting: "FROGGY...FROGGY...FROGGY..."
Jabba rolled back over and began squirming. "Froggy's home!
Froggy's home!" As the doomed frog wriggled and burrowed, Jabba
let out a sigh of pleasure.
Han picked a garden hose up off the floor and began hosing off
his arm. "I've had so many bad feelings about that."
Leia slowly regained consciousness to find herself gripped
firmly by a Gamorrean guard, who was drooling on her shoulder. She
scowled in disgust and struggled, but the guard's rubbery arms held
her fast. She was still nude.
EV-9D9, the spindly robotic head of central casting, stood
casually in front of Leia, hands on hips. Her voice was strangely
metallic and Mulgrew-esque. "Ah. A new acquisition. You are
Alderaanian, are you not?"
Leia casually spat in 9D9's face. "Go fuck yourself."
The collected minions laughed knowingly. 9D9 smirked
(somehow). "Asked and answered. How many sexual positions do you
Leia struggled to remain casual. "Listen, sister, I've been
from one end of the galaxy to another, I've had a lot of strange
nights. I've got more bites on my ass than you've got on your hard
"Good. We've been in need of a new actress since the Master
got angry with the last one and disintegrated her. She kept asking
for her motivation. Will you be looking for motivation?"
"No one's ever accused me of having a bad motivator."
"You're a feisty one, but you'll soon learn some respect."
"I don't know," Leia muttered, "my learning curve ain't so
great, respect-wise. Especially when I'm talkin' to a dressed-up
Speak-And-Spell with delusions of grandeur."
"What are you rebelling against?"
"Whattya got?"
9D9 rubbed her chin. "We have need of you on the set in 2
hours. The Maestro is shooting a major scene for his new film, and
believes you'll do nicely.
"Shit. Tell him I'll be in my trailer." With that, Leia
brought her knee up into the Gamorrean's groin. It slipped to the
floor, but its facial expression remained static. Leia then
grabbed it by the horns and attempted to knee it in the face, but
in so doing she inadvertently pulled its head off.
The head was only a mask. A sweating man was revealed
underneath. He heaved a sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank God. Somebody tell Jabba we need more airholes."
Leia shook her head, dumbfounded, and 9D9 took the opportunity
to take her by the arms.
9D9 hissed in her ear. "You silly cunt. Now we'll have to
fit you with a restraining bolt." From across the room, R2D2
wheeled over. A hatch on his torso opened, and a long, vicious-
looking prod extended. "You see," 9D9 purred, "it enters through
the introitus, and imbeds itself in the uterine lining. This has
the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible
Leia tried to conceal her fear. "Go ahead. I've had worse."
"I sincerely doubt that."
R2 slowly inserted the probe into Leia's vagina. She gritted
her teeth, pretending to enjoy it. "Oh...yeah. Feels good.
Mmmm...Give it all to me." When the bolt was in the right
position, it locked itself in place with an audible snap. Leia's
eyes bulged, but she kept her cool. She winked at R2. "You were
Biggs found himself unceremoniously hurled into a dank prison
cell. The door was shut and bolted. He ran to the door and
shouted at the departing guard.
"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"
He sat down in a puddle and began listlessly playing with
himself. "They called me an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not
an animal."
From a corner of the room, he heard a strange growling.
"Great. They put me in the zoo."
Chewbacca stepped out the shadows. He had been completely
shaved. His wrinkled skin was bunched awkwardly. "Raarrghh ruuurr
reeaaghh." (Wonderful. I get to do time with one of these pink-
faced assholes.)
Biggs blinked at the hairless wookiee. "You're one ugly
motherfucker. What did they get you for?"
"Raaeerr rowwr raaararggh." (16 wigs, 25 mustaches, and a
toupee for Ishi Tib.)
Biggs sighed. "Christ. You're just a dumb brute."
"Reearr roorg. Reeeaar rooaaagh ragah." (Watch your ass.
Hey, do you have any copper on you? I've spent all day building a
primitive subspace transmitter out of bits of hair and bone I found
in the cell. It might be able to get us out of here.) Chewie
picked up the half-completed transmitter, which utilized a jawa
skull as the main housing. "Reeaarag rooowar roogarrh..." (I made
the hair conductive with my saliva, and I've been experimenting
with static electricity as a power source. This jawa's tympanic
membrane was still intact, and I think I might be able to...)
Biggs took the transmitter and threw it against the wall,
breaking it. "I haven't got time to fuck around with your chew
toys. I've got to figure out a way of getting us out of here."
Biggs rubbed his chin. "Hmmm. Maybe if I yell at the guard long
enough, he'll crack."
Biggs got up and walked to the door. "Hey, guard! Let us
out! Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
The guard yelled back. "Shut up, humanoid scum!"
"I won't stop yelling until you let us out! Let us out! Let
us out! Let us out!"
"Fuck you!"
Chewie picked the transmitter parts off the floor and
scratched the back of his neck. He looked Biggs over carefully.
"Raaraggh reeearr ruuurr." (Perhaps I could use this human's
tailbone as a pick-ax and dig my way out.)
Biggs continued to plead with the guard. "Come on, man! Let
us out! Let us out!"
"I'm not listening!"
"'Blue Harvest,' scene four, take one." Bo Shuda snapped his
clipboard and scampered out of frame.
Jabba raised his megaphone. "Smoke!" Smoke machines began to
thicken the atmosphere. " lovin' action!"
R2's camera started rolling. In the center of the set was a
plush canopied bed. Leia was lying on it, her arms tied to the
bedposts. R2 tracked in on her vulva, getting a closeup.
The extras began snickering. One yelled out: "Don't get too
close! The humidity'll ruin the film!"
Leia retorted. "If you can't stand the heat, don't stick your
head in the oven, laser-brains!"
Jabba blared through his megaphone. "Quiet on the goddamn
In one corner, out of shot, Boba Fett nudged Lando, who was
holding a microphone boom.
"Shut up."
"What happened to that bounty hunter, Boushh?"
"Look man, we don't have a looping facility here. I've got to
get the sound on set. Now quit fuckin' with me." Lando tried to
ignore him.
"I sure did like that Boushh. Seemed like a nice person."
"There is no Boushh."
"There is no Boushh, asshole. It was Leia in a get-up."
"What? You mean that chick with the tits?"
"Where the fuck have you been?"
Boba shook his head. "No way. He must have gone somewhere.
No way that could have been her."
"Look over there, man. There's the outfit." Lando pointed to
Salacious Crumb, who was sitting next to Jabba, wearing Boushh's
robes. "See?"
"No, it's impossible. I don't believe you. He's gotta be
around here somewhere. Sure did like him." Boba wandered off,
muttering to himself.
As Leia lay helpless on the bed, Ree-Yees approached, saliva
dripping from his mouth. His 3 eyes gaped in disbelief at her
vagina. When Leia caught sight of him, she yelled out. "Wait wait
wait! Cut, cut, cut! This is a fuckin' joke right?"
Jabba threw his megaphone to the floor in frustration. "How
many more takes are you going to ruin? Why don't you tell me now
so I'll know when to start rolling."
"What hell is this?" Leia pointed to Ree-Yees with her foot.
"That's Ree-Yees."
"And he's supposed to play the part of 'Bruce'? Who's the
casting director for this fiasco?" Leia struggled against her
"I cast him myself. He has a certain magnetism."
Ree-Yees continued drooling over Leia, his lower lip
Leia continued to wriggle. "And I'm supposed to fuck him? No
way, release me."
Jabba laughed. "Even if I released you from the bed, I ain't
releasing you from your contract. If I want you to boff my
friends, you'll boff my friends. What is this, a fuckin' new
experience? It's part of the business."
"I'm not in the business. I am the business."
"That's right, and for the next 10 minutes, Ree gets to do his
business. Now shut up. Don't make me turn on the restraining
Leia shuddered. "Okay, okay. But I want more profit points."
Jabba picked his microphone back up. "Camera...Action!"
Ree-Yees lay down over Leia, his head at her groin. He spoke
haltingly, trying to remember his lines.
"Uh...I'm sure glad we escaped from those...lesbian bikers."
Leia cleared her throat and attempted a southern accent. "So
am I, Bruce. Don't you ever try to fuck one of those girls. Their
vaginal grips can cave in lead pipes."
"I sure wouldn't...Ruthie Lee. Now who tied you up like this,
all bare-buck you're waitin' for the Worm?"
"I did. And I am waitin.' Just how long do I have to wait,
Brucie? Send that old worm on in."
"That I will." Ree extended its tongue, which was the size of
a giraffe's, and began licking Leia's clitoris. R2 wheeled in for
a close up.
"Oh, Bruce, you wave that old tongue like a maestro's baton.
Like you're conductin' a big old symphony in my little girl guts."
With her face safely off camera, Leia made a gagging expression.
He stopped for a moment. "And, uh...this is just the first
movement." He pulled out a jar of honey, and began dribbling it
over his central eye stalk. When it was fully lubricated, he
closed his eyelid and slowly pushed the stalk into Leia's vagina.
She gritted her teeth in disgust. "Why, Bruce...What are you
lookin' for?"
Ree began his rhythm, thrusting the eye stalk in and out,
while the other two eyes stared at Leia. "Little critters like to
keep house in places like this. Man can't be too careful."
"Aw, shucks now." Leia began to feel nauseated, looking at
the black eyes staring at her. She fumbled with her lines. "But
what...what if my daddy comes in?"
"Well...I suppose I'd fuck him too."
"Oh, Bruce...That's so...romantic."
As Ree's movements quickened, Leia realized that she couldn't
take it anymore. This was the worst dialogue she'd ever had to
recite in a hard-core pornographic film. With a grunt of exertion,
she scissored her legs around Ree-Yee's neck, pulling his stalk
free of her vulva.
He blinked his dripping eye repeatedly, in pain. "Hey...I
lost my contact in there...And this isn't in the script."
Leia glowered coldly. "Rewrite." With that, she twisted her
legs violently with all her strength. Ree's head was wrenched
around at an extremely uncomfortable-looking angle. His neck
snapped audibly, and his tongue flopped out onto Leia's pubic hair
as his whole body went limp. Leia relaxed her legs, and he slipped
off the bed.
Jabba started screaming, dumbfounded, his red eyes bulging.
"What...what in the name of the motherfucking maker are you
"Sorry Jabba," Leia replied, "I just wasn't happy with that
scene. But I think it turned out better this way. The role needs
a little unpredictability."
Jabba had his dais wheeled over to the bed. "Look, we've been
over this shit before in rehearsal. Ruthie's self-concept isn't
complete without a man to protect her! That's why she got mixed up
with the lesbian bikers in the first fucking place! So Bruce would
rescue her with his hangglider and...Goddamnit, I thought we'd
thrashed out the psychodynamics of this already."
"Look, my contract gives me a little rewrite latitude. A week
of rehearsal wasn't enough. I told you it wouldn't be." Leia
shook her head.
"Don't fucking patronize me. I've directed more blowjobs than
"I can't work under these conditions. I want a complete
"Rewrite!? Rewrite!?" Jabba reached into his frog bowl, took
one out, and began agitatedly pulling its limbs off one by one.
"Fine! I'll give you your fuckin' rewrite." Jabba took the
restraining bolt control in his hand, and turned it on. Leia was
immediately immobilized, trembling in pain.
Jabba picked up his megaphone and addressed the crew.
"Attention, assholes! The lead actress thinks my script sucks
balls, so I'm gonna rewrite it. 'Blue Harvest' is no longer a
porno movie. It's a snuff movie. It's gonna star Miss Sugar Walls
over here, her wookiee pal, and the naked guy with the dick. Get
my Sail Barge ready! We're gonna do some location shooting!"
The crew lurched into life, gathering up equipment. Jabba
smiled cruelly at Leia, swallowing the last of the frog. "And its
got a new title: 'Faster Sarlacc! Digest! Digest!'"
Leia, Chewie, and Biggs stood in the dressing room of Jabba's
Sail Barge, fidgeting with their manacles while a team of jawas
worked on their makeup. Leia was dressed in a white gown, and her
hair was done up in two absurd buns which clung to the sides of her
head like earmuffs. Biggs was outfitted in a Jedi's robe. Outside
the window, the peaceful suburbs of Dantooine slipped by.
Bo Shuda was going over the scene to be shot, pointing to a
video terminal, on which some crude animatic storyboards were
playing out. Tiny action figures of Leia, Biggs, and Chewie,
animated with stop motion, were being forced to walk the plank of
a small skiff. The skiff hovered over a normal suburban street.
Under the plank, some forty feet below, was a large open manhole.
Tentacles emerged from the manhole, periodically testing the air.
Biggs blinked at the screen. "Let me get this straight.
That's the pit of what? Tangpoon?"
"Carkoon," replied Bo. "Resting place of the all-powerful
Sarlacc. In his belly, you will..."
"The what?" Leia interjected.
"The Sarlacc."
"What the hell is that?" Leia blinked repeatedly as one of
the jawas applied her mascara.
Bo sighed. "It's a...a monster, alright?"
Biggs piped up. "What kind of monster?"
"I don't know, it's just...Nobody knows much about it, but it
lives underground. In the middle of the suburbs. Its mouth is
right under that manhole. People in the neighborhood call it the
Sarlacc, I don't know why. Probably something the local kids
"And its mouth is there all the time?" Leia asked.
"It doesn't get around much. Anyway, in his belly..."
Biggs jumped in again. "You mean it just sits there waiting
for food to fall in? Or does somebody feed it?"
Bo shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe somebody does. But
that's really not the point..."
"Wait a second," Leia said. "If it just sits on its ass in
the sewer, and people have to feed it, how can it be all-powerful?"
"Look, it's just a fucking name, okay? You know kids, they
like to build stuff up. What are they supposed to call it? 'The
pussy-assed Sarlacc?'"
Leia shook one of the jawas off her leg. "Sounds pretty
stupid to me. So are we the meal of the day?"
"Yes. And as I was saying, in his belly, you will find a new
definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a
thousand years."
Leia laughed. "Okay, whatever."
Bo stopped the animatics and approached her. "This is no
laughing matter, woman. Did you hear what I said? You're going to
be slowly digested over a period of a thousand years. A thousand.
That's a one with three zeros after it. That's a long time to be
digested. I imagine it'll be pretty unpleasant."
"Bullshit," Biggs shook his head. "How does everybody know it
takes a thousand years? Does it take a shit every thousand years?"
Bo clenched his teeth, exasperated. "Look...I don't know, I'm
not its mother, okay? Now can we get this blocking over with?
We'll be on location in 15 minutes."
"Where is this Sarlacc?" Leia asked.
"It's uh..." Bo looked at the back of his hand, where he had
scribbled the address from the brochure. "It's at 22A Runcorn
Avenue. We've had the street cordoned off, but there'll be a lot
of spectators anyway. The kids are off school today."
Biggs was still puzzled. "Hold on, Bo. Let's get back to
this thousand year thing."
Bo leaned back against the video monitor. "Oh, Christ."
"I mean, my life expectancy is about 80 years. Even if its
like a grand hotel in there, the longest I'd survive would only be
another 50 years from now. Then I'd die of old age. But it would
probably be less than that if I'm being digested. Now, do you die
immediately after you fall in, and it just takes a thousand years
to digest your body, or are you supposed to actually be conscious
and alive for that entire time?"
"I don't know. Conscious, I guess."
"That's what I figured. Hence the 'new definition of
suffering' part. I mean, it wouldn't really be a new definition if
it only lasted a minute or so. And if the pain was too intense,
you'd just black out."
"Look, motherfucker, I didn't write the line! It's in the
Biggs continued. "So, we're agreed that in order to
understand the 'new definition,' you'd have to be conscious, alive,
and suffering in that thing's stomach for 1000 straight years.
That's regardless of your age, health, stamina, species, whatever.
So am I to assume that this thing actually prolongs your life
expectancy by about 920 years while it kills you?"
"I don't know," Bo snorted, getting up. "And I don't give a
fuck if it's five minutes, or five million fuckin' eons. The
upshot is, you're all gonna be thrown in, so you'll learn
firsthand. Send me a goddamn postcard."
Leia laughed. "Does mail go out from the Sarlacc every
thousand years? Or is it privatized?"
Bo grabbed Leia by the hair. "Laugh all you want, Organa.
You're about to become a fee lunch. And with that restraining
bolt, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Jabba wants
this scene to turn out right, and when he wants something, he can
make Preminger look like Barney the Dinosaur."
Bo walked into the cocktail lounge, where Jabba's dais was set
up in front of a large picture window. Near the dais was a wet
bar, at which Salacious Crumb was sitting, pouring himself a drink.
He was still wearing Leia's Boushh outfit. Jabba, looking through
the window, watched kids on bicycles and skateboards whizzing up
and down the street. He noticed Bo come in.
"Are we there yet?"
"No, master. Runcorn avenue is uptown a little ways."
"Runcorn? It's not on Runcorn. It's on Wimpole Street.
"Are you sure, sir? The brochure said..."
"Fuck the brochure. I grew up on these streets, I think I
know where the Pit of Carkoon is, thank you. 27A Wimpole is where
we're headed. There's nothing on Runcorn but a bunch of mobile
homes and titty-bars." Jabba gazed out the window, reminiscing.
"Yeah, Bo. I remember running up and down these streets when I was
a kid."
"Running, master?"
"Well, rolling. I used to take home movies of my mom and dad.
One time I caught 'em screwing. Recorded the whole thing. That
day changed my life. I knew right then I wanted to be a
pornographic film director. That I wanted to share this feeling
with as many people as I could...and get stinking fucking rich off
it." Jabba twisted the rings on his fingers, one by one.
"Was that the same day you killed your parents, master?"
"No, that was later, when they wouldn't put up the money for
film school. Cheap motherfuckers." Jabba looked over at Han, who
was dozing on the edge of the dais, still wearing the slave girl
outfit. Jabba whacked him smartly in the face with the end of his
tail. "Yo! Solo. Look sharp."
Han rubbed nose. "Fuck you, Jabba."
"Such a temper. You were never cut out for smuggling, Solo.
You should have been a jawa, floating around screwing farmers on
second-hand droid deals."
"I'd rather die than hang out with them. They come into our
neighborhoods in their sandcrawlers, they buy everything, never
give back a fucking thing. They look at you funny when you go in
their stores..."
Jabba whacked him again. "You're just pissed 'cos they're
motivated, and they know how to succeed. No Corellian ever
amounted to jack shit. You just sit around boozing and fucking
like ewoks."
"Watch it, Jabba. I've got limits."
"Oh yeah? Well I've got leverage." Jabba thought for a
moment. "Now I want you to stick your face in my ass."
Han blinked. "What the hell for?"
"No reason," Jabba grinned cruelly. Salacious Crumb laughed
uproariously from the wet bar as he rolled a cigarette.
Leia, Chewie, and Biggs held onto the rail as the skiff they
were riding came to a stop over a manhole at 27A Wimpole Street.
The street had been cordoned off, and a throng of suburbanites were
watching the shoot from their frontyards.
Jabba, still inside the Sail Barge, watched the action from a
video monitor. Bo stood next to him.
"Master, are you sure this is the right address?"
"There's the pit, fuckface. It's a little smaller than I
remember it, but everything seems bigger when you're a kid. Now
shut up and manage the floor."
Bo ascended a stairway and came out on the deck of the barge.
R2D2 was mounted on a crane, taking majestic test shots of the
scene, swooping up and down. Boba Fett stood by the rail.
"Hey, Bo."
"Whatever happened to that guy Boushh?"
"It was just that chick in disguise."
"Goddamnit, why is everyone lying to me? I know he's around
here somewhere. I sure did like that guy."
Bo ignored him. He cleared his throat and addressed the crew.
"Okay, people, we're losing light here. Get yourself in position."
On the skiff, the Weequay brothers, Bill and Bob, prodded Leia
and Biggs onto the plank. Biggs wobbled, trying to maintain his
balance. "Man, this production is out of control. Overbudget,
behind schedule, no script, and now we're gonna die."
Leia nudged him. "Be cool. Just stick close to Chewie and
Lando. I've taken care of everything."
"Oh, great. I might as well go to sleep, then. Who did you
say to stick close to?"
"The wookiee and Lando."
Biggs turned around, looking at the crew of the skiff. "Hey,
which one of you is Lando?"
Lando, holding the sound boom, replied. "Whattya want?"
"I've gotta stick close to you."
"Stick close to whatever you want, muthafucka, this is between
Bo yelled from the Barge. "Victims of the almighty Sarlacc,
the maestro hopes that you will perform...honorably. But should
any of you wish to beg for a last minute rewrite, the great
director will now hear your plea."
Leia laughed. "Bo, you tell that slimy, fat-assed lump of
peanutty shit, he'll get no such pleasure from us." She turned to
Biggs and Chewie. "Right?"
Biggs yelled back to Bo. "Actually, I do have a few problems
with this scene..."
Leia cut him off. "Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us
from our contracts, or die."
Jabba laughed and spoke into a mike which was connected to the
Barge's loudspeakers. "Action!"
The Weequay's pushed Leia and Biggs out to the edge of the
plank as R2 swooped in for a dramatic close up. Biggs looked down
at the manhole below. It was completely dark. The only indication
of any life was a horrendous stench which emanated from it.
"Christ, I wish somebody'd brought a bucket of mouthwash for
this thing. Uh, Leia, what's my line?"
"We don't have any lines. This is an action scene."
"I thought it was a death scene."
"Well don't worry, it's gonna be an action scene in a minute."
Jabba, watching through the monitor, suddenly became
impatient. "Come on, hit your marks!" He pressed the restraining
bolt activator.
A blast of pain shot through Leia's vagina. She slipped to
her knees, nearly falling off the plank.
"What is it?" Biggs asked. "Cramps?"
"No, fuckhead," she responded through clenched teeth.
"Restraining bolt." She groaned loudly. "Shit...this makes
Norplant look like XTC!"
"So does this fuck up our plan? Should I have brought a
thousand years worth of books to read?"
"No...Just flick off the camera robot."
"Just do it!"
Biggs looked up at R2, shrugged, and gave him the bird. "Uh,
fuck you, I guess."
A hatch on R2's head opened, and a small metal tube sprang out
of it. Biggs caught it. "What the hell is this?"
Leia lay down on the plank, threw her skirt up, and spread her
legs. "You've got to get the restraining bolt out. Stick it up
my cunt. Push real hard, until you hear a crunch, then press the
Biggs grimaced. "That sounds pretty gross."
"No time to discuss this in committee!"
Biggs knelt down, and pushed the tube as far into Leia as he
could. She howled in pain.
The Weequay brothers looked over Biggs' shoulder. "What's he
doing?" said Bob.
"I don't know," replied Bill.
"Should we stop them or something?"
"Nah. I'm sure it's nothing bad."
On the Barge, Jabba was confused. "What the hell's going on?"
Han glanced at the monitor. "Looks like an improv."
"Goddamnit, I said no improvs!"
"Looks like he's giving it to her with a dildo. I like it,
actually. Adds a tragic touch to the scene."
Jabba looked at him sideways. "How do you mean?"
"You know, a Wagnerian love-death thing. The lovers have one
last game of hide and seek in the bush before they're cast into the
pit of whatever. It's classic stuff."
"I thought that was your girl?"
"Mine? Sheeiitt. I mean, she's cute and everything, but
she's a little psycho."
Back on the skiff, Biggs heard a muffled crunch. He pressed
the button, and heard a mechanical whirring.
Leia's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "PULL IT OUT!!"
Biggs yanked the device back out. The bloody restraining bolt
was held fast by three tiny metallic claws. "Whew. Not a graceful
way to get the job done, but it worked. What's the next part of
the plan?"
Leia rubbed her groin and panted, trying to catch her breath.
"Now...we kill everybody."
"Pretty traditional, but...stick with what works, right?"
Biggs turned to Bill Weequay. "Hey, buddy, can you hold this for
a second?" He handed the restraining bolt extractor to him. Bill
stared at it dumbly. Biggs then wound up, and punched him in the
jaw with all his might, sending him flying off the skiff and
somersaulting into the open manhole.
Leia sprang up, kicked Bob Weequay in the groin, and shoved
him off the skiff as well. He disappeared after his brother. R2
lowered his crane quickly, getting a beautifully fluid shot of the
On the deck of the Barge, Bo looked on in amazement.
"What...what the fuck are they doing? This isn't in the script!"
Boba flipped a switch on his jetpack. "Maybe one of them
knows where Boushh is." With a blast of exhaust, he launched
himself toward the skiff.
In the cocktail lounge, Jabba was twitching in rage. "Cut!!
Han walked over to the wet bar and began making himself a
seven and seven. "Don't sweat it, Jabba. It's great footage."
"No more amateur opinions! I'm the fucking director! I'm the
leading fucking director in erotic cinema today! My films have
grossed 53 trillion credits galaxy-wide! Do they think I'm some
hack jerking off in front of a camcorder!?"
"I'm tellin' you, Jabba, this'll be your biggest hit. Go with
Jabba sneered at him. "Oh, what the fuck do you know? You're
a captured smuggler who bums change for lap dancing from drooling
things that half the time don't even have laps. You've never
directed a film. Shit, you couldn't direct traffic on an empty
"Look, Jabba, it's just my opinion." Han noticed that
Salacious was playing with a small circular object, rolling it
around on the bar. He pushed Salacious aside and picked it up,
examining it.
"From now on, Solo, if I want your, fuck it, I'll
never want it. From now on don't speak unless I say. Now get over
here and give me a massage. My neck is tied up in knots."
Han flipped a small switch on the circular object, and it
began to blink. Then, realizing what it was, he pocketed it and
walked over to Jabba.
He put on his most disarming grin. "Sure, Jabba. But
wouldn't you rather play 'Where's froggy?' instead?"
Jabba thought for a moment. "What the hell. My boys can
handle those improvisers out there. I could use something to take
my mind off things." Jabba batted his eyes at Han. "Um...Where's
"Froggy's coming, Jabba. Froggy's coming."
Boba Fett landed on the skiff with a thud, his weapon drawn.
Biggs had grabbed one of the guards from behind, and held him while
Leia eviscerated him with his own knife.
She glanced at Boba, holding a hand in front of her face to
shield herself from the spraying blood. "We're kind of busy here.
What do you want?"
"I was wondering if any of you seen that guy Boushh? You
know, the Ubese bounty hunter that brought the wookiee?"
Lando, who was sitting calmly at one end of the skiff, piped
up. "I told you, you buck-toothed jackass, that girl is Boushh."
"Shut up!" Boba whipped his pistol around and squeezed off a
shot at Lando. The blast hit him in the shoulder and knocked him
off the skiff. He fell into the manhole screaming, "MUTHAFU...!"
Leia licked blood off her knife and smiled at Boba. "He's
right, asshole. I'm Boushh."
"Bullshit! Tell me where he is or I'll fucking kill all of
Leia smiled. "Does this sound familiar?" She grabbed her
adam's apple and began vibrating it with her fingers, imitating
Boushh's mechanized voice. "Hi, I'm Boushh. You're my best
friend. I love you. I'm Boushh."
Boba trembled with rage, and switched his blaster to its
highest setting. "No...that's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, asshole. Why would I lie?"
"NO!! NO!!!" Boba aimed his blaster at her head, only to have
his arm grabbed firmly and yanked upward by Chewbacca. The blaster
discharged harmlessly into the air.
Chewie growled in anticipation. "Reeeaaraggah roooaar
roowareeahh." (Oh man, it's been too long since I've done this.)
With a terrifying snarl, Chewie grabbed Fett's shoulder with his
other hand, then yanked his arm out of its socket. Chewie roared
in ecstasy as his hairless body was sprayed crimson. "RAAARAAGH!!
Boba stumbled away in a daze, gushing blood onto the skiff.
He sat down on one of the guardrails and began talking to himself.
"Alright...alright. Don't panic. Just analyze what you did
Chewie laughed, then swung Boba's detached arm like a bat,
striking him in the head. Boba flew off the skiff and into the
Sarlacc. Chewie roared triumphantly, then peeled the shirt off the
severed arm and bit off an enormous chunk of flesh.
Leia laughed at the spectacle. "Just like a wookiee. Always
thinking with his stomach."
Jabba, eyes closed, giggled like a child. "Where's froggy?
Why won't froggy come home?"
Han rubbed a frog around Jabba's left ear. "Is this froggy's
Han started on Jabba's other ear, then thought better of it.
"Is this...oh, fuck it. Froggy's going straight home."
Jabba rolled over, exposing his anus. "Come home, froggy!"
Han blanched at the sight. "Oh, I can't tell you how little
I'm going to miss this." With that, Han hurled the frog against
the nearest wall, then took the circular device (Boushh's thermal
detonator, in case you weren't paying attention), and jammed it up
Jabba's ass.
Jabba immediately rolled back over, barely giving Han enough
time to get his arm out. "Ah, Bosca! That's not a frog! What's
the game, Solo?"
Han backed up quickly, getting behind the wet bar. "It's a
surprise. Trust me, it'll be so good, you'll think you've died."
"And gone to heaven?"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far."
Jabba's eyes opened wide as he realized his predicament.
" sonofabitch! You cooing Corellian cocksucker! I'll
fuckin' squash you!" Jabba began trying to roll himself off the
dais, but his enormous bulk was too much to move. After a few
sweaty attempts, he slumped back, exhausted.
Han shook his head. "I told you to lose weight, Jabba. You
shouldn't have disintegrated that Deal-A-Meal guy when he tried to
put you on TV."
Jabba began crying pitifully. " film..."
"Face it, Jabba. You haven't made a decent softcore since
'The Immortal Mr. Antilles.' You've been coasting. You might as
well go out with a bang. Remember, Pasolini was whacked by a male
prostitute six weeks after he finished 'Salo.'
Jabba smiled meekly. "Ah...Pasolini..."
Han ducked behind the wet bar just in time. With a tremendous
boom, fluid and viscera in every color of the rainbow splattered
the walls. Then the only sound was that of dripping blood and
Salacious Crumb's maniacal laughter. Han got up and surveyed the
scene. Jabba had been dispersed evenly over the entire room.
There was no particular grouping of flesh to indicate where he had
been. Han looked up, and saw Salacious hanging from one of the
"Here, boy." Salacious obediently jumped down onto his
shoulder, still cackling. Han abruptly grabbed him by the legs,
swung him around his head twice, and dashed his brains out against
the wet bar. Dropping the twitching body to the floor, he
muttered, "Laugh that up, fuckball."
Han had to sweep several feet of Jabba's intestines away from
the door before he could open it. He walked out into the adjoining
hallway, then made his way up to the deck.
He found Bo Shuda, desperately trying to disengage the safety
on the laser cannon he had trained on the skiff. "Goddamn
thing...Why can't you just point and shoot?"
"Hey, Bo?"
"Don't bother me, Solo. I've got to discipline these actors."
"You've got to point it at the deck before it'll fire." Han
walked over and surreptitiously flipped the safety off. Bo swung
the cannon around until it was aimed at the floor.
"Will it work now?"
"Go ahead and try it."
Bo squeezed the trigger, and there was an enormous explosion
as the beam cut through the bulkheads and struck the main drive
system. Bo blinked. "Uh...was it supposed to do that?"
"Oh yeah." Han patted Bo on the shoulder. "Great shot, kid,
that was one in a million. Now if you'll excuse me." Han walked
over to the rail and whistled to R2. "Yo! I'm ready for my
R2 swung his crane over to the deck, and Han jumped onto it.
"Let's get away from this thing." R2 maneuvered both of them over
to the skiff, where they disembarked. He then swiveled around to
get a shot of the rapidly disintegrating Sail Barge.
Han nodded at Chewie, who grunted a greeting. Leia, still
covered in blood, embraced him. Han stood limply, his arms at his
sides. "Uh, princess. We might want to get out of here."
"What?" She blinked at him, tears welling in her eyes. "Oh,
yeah. Does anybody know how to operate this thing?"
Chewie shrugged. Biggs shook his head.
Han rolled his eyes. "Wonderful. Well maybe there's a manual
in the glove compartment."
They were all in the middle of searching the craft when it was
suddenly rocked by an explosion. It listed badly to one side,
nearly dumping all of them out. "What the fuck?!" Leia exclaimed.
Bo Shuda, his clothing on fire from the explosions on the Sail
Barge, launched another volley of laser bolts at the skiff,
The skiff was hit continuously until its stabilizers gave out
and it capsized. Han, Leia, Biggs, Chewie, and R2 were all dumped
into the Sarlacc just as the Sail Barge blossomed into an enormous
The first thing Leia was surprised by was the illumination.
There was a light coming from the other end of what appeared to be
a large tube, presumably the creature's throat. The smell of the
place was overpowering and the air was hot and clammy. Footing was
uneasy on the soft pinkish tissue of the creature, and she found
herself repeatedly falling down. She felt Biggs' hand on her
"What's the plan now, Imperious Leader?"
"Fuck off. Can we crawl back out?" She looked up at the
light which came from the manhole above. It was only a tiny shaft
about 20 feet up. It appeared to have gotten smaller since they'd
fallen it. But there was no way to reach it, as the fleshy walls
offered no purchase.
"Screw crawling out. Let's see what that light is down
there." She began moving towards it, with the rest of the gang
following her. Occasionally she had to turn her body sideways to
squeeze between the undulating, slippery walls.
The light came from a larger open space. Leia was astonished
to find a small group of people within, sitting or standing around
a small card table with a lamp on it. A sabbac game was taking
All the people were there--Bob Weequay, Lando, Boba Fett
(slumped against a wall, still bleeding to death), and the other
guards that had fallen in during the battle. They were huddled
around the table, watching the game, which was being played by a
group of men and humanoids who appeared to be several centuries
Leia heard a pained grunting. In one corner, Bill Weequay,
the first to fall in, was being sodomized by a grey-haired
Snaggletooth who had obviously been inside the Sarlacc for far too
One of the men at the table, apparently the dealer, turned and
saw Leia and the others. His myriad wrinkles bunched together as
he squinted at them. "Christ, more? What's going on up there,
Jonestown II? Well, you can watch this game but you can't join in
'til it's over. We should be done in a couple of years." He
resumed playing. The other players ignored them.
Leia stared at the ancient men in disbelief. " long
have you all been in here?"
The dealer grunted, not bothering to look up from his cards.
"Does it look like five minutes?"
"No, longer."
"Well, you're right. Honestly, none of us remember how long,
and we're fucking tired of being asked." He motioned to the
Snaggletooth, who was still in the process of raping Bill Weequay.
"Especially John over there. He's been here the longest. He
doesn't even talk anymore."
"What's your name?"
The dealer opened his mouth to reply, then paused. "Uh...I
don't know. Can you beat that?"
Han pushed Leia out of the way. "Where'd the table come
"It was already here. Funny thing, that. And the chairs.
Somebody must've dumped them in. The Sarlacc isn't too
Biggs broke into the conversation. "What do you guys live
The dealer looked up at him. "Well, we...that's weird, I
hadn't thought about it. I guess you don't have to eat down here.
Something about the atmosphere. Hell, you could probably survive
in here...a thousand years or more."
Biggs pressed on. "Are you in any pain?"
"You sure do ask a lot of questions. Just relax."
"Please, it's important. Are you in pain?"
"How do you mean?"
"I mean, do you feel as if you're being...digested, or
something like that?"
The dealer laughed, and was joined by the other players.
"What the fuck are you talking about? Look, boy, you'll never get
out of here, so just get used to it. And it's really not that bad.
It's nice and warm, you never get hungry or thirsty, you live for
a long time, and every so often somebody new falls in. You don't
have to sweat it out in some shit-ass day job, or hump across the
galaxy from planet to planet, worrying about getting blasted by
Imperial slugs. I mean, what's so great about living on the
"At least you're free on the outside."
This was greeted by another chorus of guffaws. "Flush out
your headgear, new guy," the dealer croaked. "Freedom is the
biggest crock of shit in the history of the universe. I suppose
you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and that
girls are attracted to a guy with a sense of humor."
"Well, they are, aren't they?"
Leia stifled a laugh.
"Look, kids," said the dealer. "We're in the middle of a game
here. Just sit down and shut up."
Chewie growled in frustration and struck one of the walls,
sending ripples through the entire chamber. Han looked at Leia.
"Well, your worship. Any ideas?"
"Well, I guess we could...sing a song or something."
"This isn't a field trip, sister."
"I know, I know." Leia scratched one of her breasts and
sighed. "There must be some way out. Has anybody got a blaster?"
Chewie held up Boba's half-eaten arm, which still held a
blaster. He pried the weapon loose and tossed it to Leia. She
aimed it at the nearest wall and fired. The bolt began ricocheting
all over the room, forcing everyone to duck for cover.
"You stupid bitch!" the dealer cried. "It's magnetically..."
His sentence was cut short as the bolt slammed into his chest,
killing him outright.
"Great," sighed Biggs. "Now nobody'll talk to us. Thanks a
lot for all your plans, Leia. Why didn't you just leave me frozen,
you dumb bitch?"
Chewie and Han joined in the chorus of disapproval, along with
the others in the room. Leia stood silently, tears welling in her
"I was...only trying to help."
Han grunted bitterly. "We don't need your help. Right guys?"
The men voiced their agreement.
"Fine," Leia said, drying her eyes. "None of you limp dicks
could make a decision anyway. Well I've led you this far and I'm
not going to stop now. Fuck it. Why not go all the way?" She
aimed her blaster at the ceiling, then began firing as quickly as
she could. Everyone ducked for cover again as laser bolts began to
criss-cross the room.
Leia kept firing until she heard some kind of rumbling within
the belly of the beast. "What the hell is that?"
Han looked up from the floor. "What?"
"That sound." Leia noticed that the room now appeared to be
shrinking. The walls were rapidly moving closer to each other.
Solo noticed the shrinking. "Oh, shit."
Leia began barking orders. "Don't just stand there, try and
brace it with something!"
"Like what?"
"I don't know!"
"A second ago you wanted us all to die."
"I'm a fickle minded bitch, alright! And I think I may have
found a way out!"
Solo laughed despairingly. "Wonderful. Women's intuition.
Look, sister, one thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot
thinner. Why not accept it? This thing's throat is collapsing."
"This is no throat!"
As Leia regained consciousness, she became aware of warmth on
her face. Light from Dantooine's famous quadruple sunset was
streaming down on her. Then Han's face filled her field of vision,
blocking the light. His entire body was covered with some sort of
brownish substance, and he smelled godawful.
"Well, your Highnessness. How was your beauty sleep?"
Leia sat up slowly and looked around. They were back outside
the Sarlacc, on top of an enormous pile of what appeared to be
excrement. Slowly, a satisfied grin broke out on her face. "I
knew that wasn't a mouth. The laser blasts must've gotten its guts
Han spat and wiped his mouth. "Well you could have told us
sooner." He picked up a hunk of the Sail Barge's hull and began
using it to scrape ordure off his pants. "I guess somebody got the
address wrong."
"Yeah, the whole production was incompetent. Lucky for us."
Leia looked around. "Where are the others?"
"Buried, I guess. Come on." Han grabbed Leia's arms and
pulled her free of the shit. They carefully made their way off the
enormous mound. When they reached the bottom, they noticed a large
throng of suburbanites approaching tentatively, gaping in
Han glared at them. "What the fuck are you lookin' at? Go
on, get out of here, there's nothing to see."
With a mighty roar, Chewbacca burst out of the pile, using
what appeared to be Biggs' lifeless body as a shovel. When he had
extricated himself, he threw the corpse at Leia's feet. "Reaaraarr
rooooraahh rewwoorr." (Well, at least he didn't turn out to be
completely useless.)
Han nudged Biggs with his foot. "Naked, dead, and covered
with shit. Bet his parents had higher hopes for him."
Leia sighed. "Too bad. He was a great fuck."
"Sure, behind the camera. Don't fret, sister. I hear Jabba
was planning on cutting him out of the movie anyway."
A beeping sound caught their attention. R2's tiny periscope
popped out of the pile, and he began working his way out.
"Handy little droid," said Han.
"Yep. I tell you, it's not an easy thing to find a droid you
can bribe." Leia dug into a pocket in her robe and took out a few
credits. A hatch on R2's body opened and a small changepurse
emerged. Leia dropped the coins in.
Lando, who had somehow remained almost completely clean,
suddenly walked out from behind the mound. He smiled. "Man, you
guys need to take better care of yourselves."
Han growled. "Get out of here, Lando."
"Hey, man, I'm just happy you're alive."
Leia walked up to Lando and slapped him. "Oww!" he exclaimed.
"Bitch, you better step off with that shit!"
"You didn't do anything! We were relying on you."
"I told you, bitch, I wasn't down with your plans. I do what
I do to get mine. You do the same. But now we're in a position to
help each other out. How about..." Lando was cut short by Chewie,
who grabbed him by the throat and started choking him. Lando sank
to his knees, gasping desperately for air.
"We don't need your help," Leia sniffed.
Han put his arm around Leia and led her away. "Come on,
sister, let's let Chewie have his fun." Walking down the street,
they made their way over to one of the resident's yards, where a
lawn sprinkler was set up. Han took off his slave girl uniform,
and Leia followed suit. They stood in the spray, washing
themselves off.
Leia looked up at the four setting suns. "How can life
survive on a planet with this many suns?"
Han shrugged. "They must be pretty shitty suns." He blinked
at them, suddenly getting a far away look in his eyes. "Too bad
Luke isn't here."
Leia gasped. "That sonofabitch? When he took over Cloud City
he sold you to Boba Fett just to spite me. Then he flew off to
join some weird cult. He doesn't give a damn about either of us."
"I thought you liked him?"
Leia laughed. "Oh, Christ, it's not like that at all. He's
my brother. Fuck him."
Han rubbed his chin. "I guess you're right. I suppose as
soon as we're off this planet we should...hunt him down and kill
him or something."
"Suits me. We should cut his balls off and feed 'em to him."
Han pinched Leia's cheek playfully. "I think we've had enough
female advice for one day. Anyhow, thanks for rescuing me. I
guess I owe you one, your worship."
"Would you please stop calling me that?"
"What would you like me to call you?"
Leia thought for a moment. "How about...'Exalted Empress of
the Universe'?"
"How about just 'Leia'?"
Leia smiled, running her fingers through her wet hair. "I
guess 'Your Worship' is fine." They embraced each other, kissing
passionately as the quadruple sunset created tiny rainbows in the
sprinkler, and Lando's death rattle floated over the evening air.

Lord Vader

Mar 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM3/27/97
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