The last surviving Rebel Transport, The Flocculator, sped out
of Hoth's outer atmosphere, desperately trying to evade the
Imperial Fleet which was moving to intercept it.
In the cockpit, the pilots, Deak and Windy, fumbled urgently
with a rather out-of-date galactic map. When completely unfolded,
it covered the cockpit window entirely. They ran over it with
pencils, trying to find their position in relation to the Rebel
Deak chewed off the last remnant of his left thumbnail as he
scanned the map. "Alright, where's Hoth on this thing?"
Windy went to the star system index, which covered the entire
backside of the map in nearly microscopic print. He ran down the
enormous list with his finger. "Okay, wait a second...Halla...
Deak slapped him sharply. "Skip down!"
"Uh, sorry. Okay...Hort...Horta...Hosh...Hoss...Host...
"What?! You skipped it!"
Windy frowned at the map. "Oh, you're right. Yeah, here it
is--Hoth. It's at...GGG4318." He quickly turned the map over and
located the grid in question. "Okay, I got it!"
"So which way to the rendezvous point?"
Windy grinned. "I think we're gonna make it, man. All we
have to do is...Come to think of it, where is the rendezvous
Deak did a double-take. "I thought you knew."
"I thought you knew."
"You're the navigator!"
"Well you're the pilot!"
Deak beat his forehead in frustration. "Oh this is fuckin'
Windy shot back defensively. "Look it wasn't my idea to
enlist in this fucking rebellion anyway. We couldn't just stay on
Tatooine, could we? We couldn't just comfortably go nowhere." He
began gesturing grandly. "Oh, no, we had to 'do something with our
lives.' We had to 'make a difference.'" He angrily stabbed his
pencil through the map, tearing a small hole in it.
Deak bared his teeth. "If you don't find out where the
rendezvous point is, right fucking now..."
"Uh...Deak?" Windy gulped, as he looked through the hole he
had ripped in the map. "I think the whole thing's academic now."
He pulled the map away from the window.
A Super Star Destroyer loomed above them, filling their field
of vision. Its open docking bay grew ever larger, like a widening
mouth. The stars turned green as the transport was enveloped in an
unshakable tractor beam.
Windy flipped the intercom on. "Uh...attention guys...could
anybody with a gun meet us on deck one please? Thanks."
Deak, Windy, and a small group of rebels stood in a corridor
on deck one, loading their weapons. At one end of the hall was a
bulkhead which would most likely provide ingress for the Imperial
boarding party. A dull metallic thud shook the ship as it came to
a stop in the Super Star Destroyer's bay.
Deak whistled, getting everyone's attention. "Okay, people,
whatever happens let's try to be professional about this. Just
arrange yourself along the walls, short people in front, just like
in high school."
The troops got themselves into position, pointing their
blasters. They began to hear a light knocking at the door. The
troops looked at each other nervously, sweating and anxiously
fingering their weapons. The knocking continued until Windy
couldn't stand it any longer.
A muffled came from the other side. "Little pigs, little
pigs. Let me in!"
Deak yelled back defiantly, cocking his blaster. "Come on in,
you white-booted motherfuckers! We'll warm your breakfast!"
The voice echoed back. "Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin?"
Deak aimed his pistol carefully. "Not by my dead
grandmother's short hairs, you hog-balled sonofabitch!"
"Well then, I'll huff...and I'll puff...And I'll..."
The bulkhead exploded outward, sending a spray of lethal
shrapnel into the rebel defenders. Most of the first row fell
dead. Laser bolts began to cascade out of the acrid smoke. The
rebels pointed and prayed, firing their weapons blindly into the
haze. One by one they fell to enemy fire.
Deak crouched and fired desperately. He yelled to Windy, who
was already using the body of one of his fallen comrades as a
shield. "There's too many of them! Retreat!"
"To where? We're on a spaceship!"
Deak was suddenly struck in the abdomen by a stray shot. He
fell to the floor, groaning and beating at the flaming hole in his
Windy, who was stacking dead bodies in front of himself like
sandbags, noticed his friend's plight. "Deak!"
Deak gritted his teeth grimly. "Go! Leave me! Save
Windy shrugged. "You're the boss." He scrambled off down the
In the passenger cabin of the Flocculator, Emperor Luke
Skywalker was in the process of interrogating the assembled Rebel
prisoners. He held one man up in the air by his throat. "Okay,
smart guy. What's the square root of two?"
The man gasped. "I don't...I can't..."
"Come on, think back to school. I just want two decimal
"It's, uh...one point...four..." The man emitted a pitiful
gurgling sound, then went limp. Luke threw him against a wall,
adding to a pile of suffocated corpses.
An Imperial commander entered, escorting a rather bloodied
Windy, who was bound with handcuffs. "We found this one in the
Luke looked him over. "At least he had the sense enough to
hide. What's your name, scumbag?"
Windy's eyes widened when he recognized Luke. "Lu...Luke?"
"Your name is Luke too?"
"No, it's Windy! We were best friends back on Tatooine,
remember? Back at Anchorhead we used to fly our skyhoppers around,
pretending we were fighting battles. You know--Windy? Beggar's
Canyon? We used to hang out with Deak, and Camie, and Fixer..."
"And Prancer, and Dancer, and Donner..."
"You must remember me! We hung out all the time!"
Luke shook his head. "Look, man, if you think that some weird
nickname from the ass-end of an out-of-print trivia book is gonna
evoke any tearful nostalgia, you've got another thing coming. Now
come on, let's get this over with."
Windy reluctantly placed his neck in Luke's grasp, and he was
lifted off the floor. "Alright," Luke hissed. "I just want to
know one thing--where's the bitch?"
"Which bitch?" Windy gasped.
"About 5'1". Brunette, fake tits. Your perfect little
spoiled Alderaanian princess."
"You've just described...half the women in the quadrant."
Luke tightened his grip. "Look, fuckhead, we've captured
every other transport and searched them all. I know she's hiding
"Don't know what...you're talking about..." Windy's face
started turning red. "Don't know...consular ship...diplomatic
"If this is a consular ship, why doesn't it say 'Consular
Ship' on the hull?"
"Ran out of...paint..."
Luke swept his arms around the room. "Everywhere I look it
says 'BLOCKADE RUNNER.' On the walls, on the uniforms, on the
cocktail napkins." He began tightening his grip on Windy's throat,
then suddenly reconsidered. "Wait a second. I want to try
something." He put Windy down, took a step back, extended his
hand, and closed his eyes, channeling the Force. "My Dad used to
do this." He visualized Windy's windpipe being crushed, letting
the Force flow through his fingers. Windy began making unusual
grunting noises. But when Luke opened his eyes, he saw that rather
than suffocating him, he had given him an enormous hard-on. And
yet strangely, the front of his pants was soaked with urine.
"Shit." Luke sighed, picked up a blaster, and fired it into
Windy's neck, blowing his head off. "Gotta read a book on that or
On the far side of the Hoth system, the Millennium Falcon
streaked through space, with several TIE fighters in pursuit.
Green blasts of laser light struck the ship repeatedly, taxing its
Han Solo and Chewbacca worked furiously in the cockpit, which
was shaking so violently that their speech was slurred. Well,
actually, Chewbacca worked and Solo shouted.
"Come on, come on!" Han snarled. "Let's hope we don't have
"Raarheeah roooaaa." (I burned out years ago.) At that
moment, a direct hit was scored on the ship, causing it lurch to
starboard. Air fresheners, coffee cups, and tattered calendars
rained down on Chewie from an overhead compartment.
Han smacked Chewie on the side of the head with a newspaper.
"Concentrate, you fuckin' mutt!"
Chewie momentarily considered killing Han, but then decided to
wait for a better moment. He slowly rose to his feet, smoothed his
pelt, and left the cockpit. Han stared in astonishment. "Wait a
second, uh...stay. Stay! Sit! What the fuck are you doing?!" He
turned back to controls, realizing that he now had to pilot the
ship by himself. He looked over at Chewie's station and gulped--it
was a maze of unfamiliar readouts and buttons.
"Shit!" Han quickly flipped open the glove compartment and
pulled out a small booklet--"S-31 NAVICOMPUTER OWNER'S MANUAL." He
turned to the first page and began reading frantically:
Have you ever looked up at the night sky and wondered
about it all? Wondered where you are, where you're going,
and how you'll get there? Have you ever felt adrift in the
vastness of the cosmos, convinced that you're nothing more
than an afterthought? Or a bit of evolutionary detritus
doomed to wander a dingy corner of nothingness in a
despairing stupor until you die? Have you ever been struck
by the heartless, incomprehensible enigma that is our
universe? Have you ever considered taking your own life?
Of course. We all have. Throughout history, humanity
has travelled many different paths over the aeons, trying to
divert its collective attention from these unpleasant
realities. You may have tried some of the more popular
diversions yourself--Art, Religion, Sex, Psychoactive Drugs,
Sports. But somehow they weren't enough.
Well congratulations, shrewd consumer, you need search
no longer. Who needs love, sex, or some abstracted notion of
"God" when you've got...
AN S-31 MULTI-ARRAY NAVICOMPUTER!
Yes, the cold abyss of space can be as familiar as your
backyard with the help of your S-31! Just try to get lost!
We dare you! Forget about quantum-theoretical non-locality!
With an S-31 to guide you, you'll always know 'where it's
at.' Are you ready?
YOU ARE GOD
Or at least you'll feel like one as you ride your S-31-equipped
chariot in a fiery streak across the heavens...
Leia, who had just stepped out of the shower, walked into the
cockpit in a white bathrobe. She was drying her hair with a
blaster on its lowest setting. "What have you got there, Han?
'The Book of Common Prayer?'"
She crept up behind Han and snatched the manual away from him.
She looked at it and sighed. "Terrific." She grabbed Han by the
ear and pulled him up out of his chair. "Look, Captain, why don't
you go in the back and play." She shoved him aside and sat down in
the control chair, then quickly re-stabilized the craft and began
Han grumbled and walked into the aft compartment. Chewie was
already embroiled in a game of Holographic chess with R2, who
examined the board carefully and punched his next move into the
computer. One of R2's wayward knights (a blue-skinned Hammerhead)
slipped through an opening and attacked Chewie's king (a corpulent
Gamorrean). Chewie howled in frustration as his king was forced to
the ground and decisively sodomized.
Han smirked. "It's a fair move. Screaming about it won't
"Raaaoooah." (Did mommy put you to bed?)
Han sat down and slapped his thigh. "Goddamnit! Who does she
think she is? I oughta go back in there and whip her little ass."
"Raahaaggh." (I'm afraid that would require balls. Of which
you're at least two short.)
"Chewie, we're men here. Now we got some Alderaanian cunt
pissin' in our face--cocksucker! Wants to break our rice bowl. No
pussy is worth this. Maybe Luke was right. Am I whipped?"
"Reeeoooraar." (Like a bowl of cold mashed potatoes at a Mary
Leia swept into the room. "Chewie, the power coupling on the
negative access has been pulverized. Replace it, will you?"
Chewie barked an affirmative and headed for the tool closet.
Han waited petulantly for Leia to look at him.
She sighed. "What is it, flyboy?"
"You want the dog to work on the ship's systems?"
"Do you even know where the power coupling is?"
"Of course," Han snapped. "It's on the uh...negative access."
"And where's that?"
"In the back somewhere."
Leia laughed. "I'm sorry I doubted you. Now if you'll excuse
me, I've got an Imperial armada to outrun." She headed back for
the cockpit. "And tell Chewie to step on it. We're going to
hyperspace as soon as my hair's dry."
On the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer 'Executor,' Luke was
having the finishing touches put on his mechanical cheek. His
medical robot was pinching and wiggling it.
"Oww." Luke batted the robot's arm away. "This wasn't made
by the same company that made my dick, was it? I still don't know
if I'm coming or going with that thing."
"Oh, no," the droid replied. "The failure of the Orifex 2L
series put Fleshcorp out of business months ago. This cheek is a
top-of-the-line Physiognymix Excelsior. Here's the manual." The
droid offered a small booklet to Luke.
"Never mind. I've got a fleet to lead now."
"When you have time, sir, I'd be happy to install a
replacement penis. The XP-38 Staffmaster Plus from Membrex was put
on the market a week ago. I think it would look good on you."
"I'll let you know." Luke strode out into the center of the
bridge, swinging his cape ominously. The crew hurried out of his
path. He stopped in front of the main observation window. Outside
was a magnificent panorama of Imperial Star Destroyers in tight
formation, still orbiting the white snowball of Hoth. Luke turned
around and faced the crew.
"Ozzel? Where's Ozzel?"
Admiral Ozzel, a portly man in his early fifties, stepped
forward. "Yes, Lord?"
"I'm Emperor, aren't I?"
"This is my fleet."
"I have absolute power."
"A new era is at hand, Ozzie. The era of me. I think the
galaxy is in for some pretty dark times."
A communications officer stepped forward, waving a piece of
paper. "Lord Skywalker! I have a report from one of our TIE
squadrons. Apparently one of the Rebel ships is still at large.
The squadron is in pursuit now, but it's almost out of the system."
"I thought we got all the Rebel transports."
"This isn't a standard transport, Lord. The squadron
commander says it's some kind of weird-looking pie-shaped thing.
It, ah..." The officer began quoting the message. "'Looks like it
was built by a blind quadriplegic in a washing machine.'"
Luke's eyes widened. "That's it! The Corellian cuntsucker!
And I'll bet Leia's with him." Luke jumped with glee, his new
cheek twisted into an alarming grin. "Alright, everybody listen
up! I want the entire fleet sent after that thing. I want every
half-spaceworthy tub with a thruster on that motherfucker's ass.
And I'm going to kill one of you at random every 10 minutes until
they're captured, so work fast."
Leia blinked at her scanner. "Uh oh."
Han approached behind her. "What is it?"
"Well, this scanner just picked up about 1200 Imperial slugs
bearing down on us. Either that or your clock needs resetting. Is
Chewie done with that repair yet?"
Chewie shoved Han aside and sat in the co-pilot's chair.
"Raaaraarh reeooorgahh." (Let's light this candle. Punch it!)
Leia slammed down the hyperspace accelerator--to no effect. The
engines simply hiccuped like an enormous vomiting cat.
Han blinked at the starfield outside. "Aren't the stars
supposed to like, stretch or something?"
"We're in trouble," Leia muttered.
Luke practiced his evil laugh on the bridge of the Executor.
"Ha ha, ha ha, HA HA HA HA!" The assembled crew applauded
boisterously. Luke raised his hands in mock protest. "Oh, no,
come on. You're embarrassing me, please. It still needs work."
Ozzel stepped forward. "Sir, I'm not sure we can get a
tractor beam on them before they jump to hyperspace."
"Oh, I took care of that on Hoth. Gave Solo a little
unfriendly advice about where the wires on the hyperdrive motivator
should go. He's completely clueless."
"Yes I am. Open a channel to them."
The Com panel began blinking. Han pointed at it. "What's
Leia slapped his hands away. "Looks like a subspace call."
"Should we pick it up?"
"Let the machine get it. Telemarketers love that frequency."
"It might be important." Han hit switches randomly on the
panel until he got the right one. "Hello?"
Luke's voice crackled out of the speakers. "HAN, OLD BUDDY.
"Is that you, kid?"
"THAT'S EMPEROR SKYWALKER TO YOU."
Leia laughed. "Emperor, my ass."
"I SHIT YOU NOT, SIS. WITH VADER AND PALPATINE OUT OF THE
PICTURE, I'M THE MACK. THE WHOLE GALAXY'S LINING UP TO KISS MY
"Okay, whatever. Look, we really don't have time for prank
calls, so I'm just gonna..."
"IT'S NOT A PRANK, WHORE! I'M LEADING THE FLEET THAT'S ABOUT
TO HAUL YOU IN LIKE A LOAD OF MYOPIC CATFISH!"
Han broke in. "Hey, kid, uh...I mean Emperor. I was thinking
about what you were saying back on Hoth, and I think I may have
been wrong about you. I realize that..."
Leia swung a fist into Han's scrotum, dropping him to the
floor. She switched off the com. "No time for tearful
reconciliations. Chewie, set 271."
Chewie raised an eyebrow. "Reeaeeahh? Roooogaraggah." (Are
you out of your fuckin' mind? That's an asteroid field.)
"They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?"
Chewie shrugged and set the course. "Roooraaraahrr
reeehaggh." (Sure, I guess. Welcome to Circular Logic 101.)
After a few minutes, the pain in Han's groin had dissipated
sufficiently for him to stand up. Leia and Chewie were both
slumped in their chairs, somewhat dispirited. Han looked out the
window. In front of them was a common expanse of empty space.
There wasn't a single asteroid in sight.
"So when do we reach the asteroids?"
"Just shut up, alright," Leia grunted.
"What's the problem?"
Chewie rolled his eyes and barked. "Rrrarrahh." (This
asteroid field isn't quite what we'd hoped for.)
"Wait a second," Han chortled. "You didn't actually expect to
lose them in an asteroid field, did you? This ain't the movies,
sister. When you pass through a real asteroid field, you're lucky
to even see one, let alone crash into one. I mean, the odds of
unsuccessfully navigating an asteroid field must be something
"Shut up!" Leia screamed. "Just shut up! I'm supposed to be
perfect, is that it?!"
Han checked the scanner. "I assume the fleet is still on us?"
"Raarreeooorah." (Like stink on a jawa's ass.)
"Wait," Leia said. "I have another idea. Chewie, set a new
Ozzel tentatively approached Luke, who was sitting on a deck
chair in front of the main window. "Uh..Lord?"
"Yes, Ozzie?" Luke looked up from his margeurita with a thin
film of salt on his upper lip.
"They've changed course. They're heading straight for us."
"Relax, Ozzie, have a drink."
"But Lord, they're heading right at us. I mean, right at the
bridge of this ship."
"What the fuck?" Luke set his drink aside and stood up. He
scanned the starfield outside. A small glinting point between the
stars was slowly getting larger. Eventually it resolved itself
into the prow of the Falcon, headed directly for the bridge through
criss-crossing fusillades of laser fire. "Well Ozzie?"
"Let's all yank our thumbs out of our asses on the count of
three, shall we? Do you have any suggestions?" The Falcon was now
getting extremely close, bearing down on them like a bullet.
"Well, Lord...a tractor beam, perhaps?"
"That's your answer to everything, isn't it? Shit. If a ship
is too far away, use the tractor beam. If it's too close, try the
tractor beam. If my girlfriend can't have an orgasm, haul out the
tractor beam." Luke plopped back into his chair, picked up his
drink, and took a swig. "This needs more salt."
All eyes were on the viewport as the Falcon finally streaked
past, changing course at the last second to avoid collision. Then
it was gone.
"Well, that was exciting," said Luke. "Now where is it?"
The chief scanning officer looked at his screen in disbelief.
He kicked the scanner several times, to no avail. "Uh...Lord, the
ship no longer appears on our scopes."
"Really? That's very interesting. So where is it now?"
"I...I don't know, Lord."
"Maybe it's in Neverland. Maybe if we think happy thoughts,
we can follow them there. Do you know what my happy thought is?"
Luke walked up to the officer and put his hand on his
shoulder. "What's your name, son?"
"Well, Peterson, my happy thought is the prospect of your
death." Luke stepped back, extended his arm, and concentrated,
letting the Force flow. "Come on, baby. Come on, visualize that
Peterson began to go into strange convulsions, as if he was
covered with bugs he was trying to brush off. Finally he fell out
of his chair, pulled his standard issue Imperial trousers down, and
excreted onto the deck.
Luke trembled with rage. "Goddamnit! Why isn't anything
going my way?" He closed his eyes, regaining his composure.
"Alright Ozzel, I want you to kill the entire bridge crew, and have
their replacements on duty in five minutes. I want round the clock
sensor sweeps in every fucking wavelength and every direction. I
want people looking in closets and under old newspapers. Find
them." With that, Luke straightened his cape and left the bridge.
The Millennium Falcon rested quietly on the Executor's hull,
its lights dimmed to avoid detection. Han was working in the
ship's head, trying to unclog the toilet. He muttered under his
breath as he worked the sonic plunger.
"Fuckin' bitch...fuckin' Wookiee needs a stool softener..."
Han fiddled with the plunger, unable to get it to activate.
Leia stood behind him, silently observing. She reached around
him and flipped the plunger on. Han snarled and pulled away.
"Get off me!"
"Don't get excited, Han. I thought you wanted to help."
"This wasn't what I had in mind. You can be one iron-breasted
Leia laughed. "I guess so. But admit it, sometimes you still
get the itch when you look at me."
Han shrugged. "I don't know, maybe occasionally, when you
aren't acting like a whore."
"You know the madonna/whore thing, right? Well I'm in my
whore phase right now. If I see something I want, I take it. In
fact," she smiled seductively and inched closer to him, "Right now
I want...Wait a second. Why am I bothering with foreplay?" She
pulled her robe off and stood naked in front of Han. Her reddish
nipples crumpled and bunched like a twisted bedsheet in the cold
air of the cabin. She took Han's hand and led it to her crotch,
entwining his fingers in her pubic hair.
Han swallowed involuntarily, then tried to shrug off the
contact. "Been there, done that."
Leia smirked. "Sheeit." With that, she kicked his legs out
from under him, sending him sprawling on the urine-stained floor,
then wrapped the sash of her bathrobe around his neck, suffocating
him. Holding the sash with one hand, she used to other to unzip
his fly and pull his pants down. Han's cock was already swelling
of its own accord. His eyes bulged.
Leia twisted his penis with her free hand, and tried to guide
it into her vagina. Han thrashed his hips, trying to avoid
penetration. After a few moments of slipping and sliding, Leia
finally just sat down on his erection, bending it in half. Han
tried to howl, but no sound emerged from his constricted throat.
Leia got up, tied the end of the sash to a fitting in the
floor, then promptly sat on Han's face. He squirmed and kicked,
"Okay, Han. I'm not getting up until I come, so you better
lick like there's no tomorrow if you ever want to draw breath
again." She leaned forward, her head poised above his penis. "And
if you bite down, I'll bite down." She popped his erection into
her mouth and wrapped her tongue around it like an eel.
Blind, dumb, and suffocating, Han Solo sat down to an early
With all the lights off and the blinds drawn over the
observation window in his cavernous Imperial suite, Luke sat
morosely on his throne. He pulled a lever on the side, extending
the foot rest and pitching it back. After a few minutes, he was
He slowly became conscious of something in his field of view.
In front of him were the three ghostly female droids he'd seen from
his bacta tank on Hoth. "You again, huh? Can I ask you girls a
FIRST DROID: Speak.
SECOND DROID: Demand.
THIRD DROID: We'll answer.
"What's my future?"
Another vision began to take shape in the foggy air. Vader's
helmet floated in front of him.
Luke raised an eyebrow. "Hey, Dad. Didn't I kill you?"
Vader's sepulchral tones emanated from the mask. "ASSHOLE!
ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! BEWARE, ASSHOLE!"
Luke folded his arms. "Should I be writing this down?"
"I'M DONE WITH YOU." The helmet disappeared.
Luke addressed the droids. "Well that was fantastic. Look,
if you know my future, why not tell me something useful, like
lottery numbers, or which meals to avoid if I want to stay regular,
or even the fucking TV schedules so I can set my VCR in advance."
Another apparition materialized before him. It was Dack, his
body horribly squashed after being stomped by the Walker during the
Hoth battle. Dack stared at Luke, phantom blood pouring from his
mouth, and spoke.
"Luke! Luke! Luke!"
"What, what, what?"
"Be bloody, bold, and ballsy. Laugh to scorn the power of
man, for none of woman born shall harm Luke."
Luke nodded appreciatively. "Now that's more like it. 'None
of woman born,' huh? I'll bet my left nut there's some kind of
loophole in that, but it's still a step in the right direction."
Dack's mangled body disappeared, and was soon replaced by a
third vision, which seemed to rise up from the floor. It was Ben
Kenobi. He was tied up in a studded bondage outfit.
Luke's eyes widened. "Goddamn, old man? You still in the
twilight zone, or have you moved to the outer limits?"
Kenobi's voice was deep and slow. "Just listen carefully:
Skywalker shall never vanquished be until Great Endor Wood to the
high Death Star shall come against him." He winked, then vanished.
"Okay." Luke shook his head, completely waking himself up.
The three droids were gone, and the suite appeared to be normal.
He got up from the throne, invigorated. "Well that's bullshit if
I ever heard it. Who can impress some backwater planetoid, or bid
Kepler and Newton to fuck themselves and their laws?" He walked to
the observation window and yanked the blinds up, letting starlight
flood the room. He looked out the window...and a smile slowly
spread across his face.
Han sat in front of the holo-chessboard, picking pubic hair
out from between his teeth. R2 had taken all of his pawns and
knights, and was now taking pleasure in suicide plays. "Sometimes
I think droids are better than women. They aren't bitching all the
time, they follow logical protocols, and they don't have to eat."
"BLOOP BLOOP." (Your move, asshole.)
"Yep, you're the only friend I have, R9."
"BLEEEEOOP." (This is demeaning to both of us.)
Han gazed off wistfully. "I always thought I'd love a horny
little Alderaanian girl..."
"BLOOOOP." (Please stop.)
"Someone who wouldn't just fuck my body...but also fuck my
heart, you know? Make love to my soul, when it needed loving."
"BLEEOOWWEEP." (For the love of God, stop.)
"Sometimes I feel like I'm just fucking the same hole, with
different faces attached to it each time. It's all so empty.
Empty as that great void of space out there." Han gestured
majestically at nothing in particular.
Mercifully, Leia approached. She mussed Han's hair. "Hey,
flyboy. Why don't you make yourself useful and dust the control
panel in the cockpit." She dropped a feather duster in his lap and
Han got up slowly. "You know something, R5? I think I'm
gonna sell this ship when this is all over. No more of this spacer
shit. Living from one shot of dipill to the next. Dropping in on
any no-horse planetesimal with a breathable atmosphere, looking for
another kick. Chugging flameout in some alien strip joint until
your last hunk of chrysopaz is gone. Then having to suck some
alien sex organ that doesn't even have a human equivalent, just so
you can buy enough fuel to achieve escape velocity. You ever try
to bring a hallucinating Meeriam Hammerhead to orgasm? I had to
take off my boots and use my feet, and it still took six hours.
And then the whole bullshit ride starts again. You know, sometimes
I..." He turned around, and saw that R2 had left. "Fuck it." He
walked into the cockpit, duster in hand.
He started dusting off panels, still grumbling. He had been
working for a few minutes when he randomly glanced through the
cockpit window at the hull of the Executor. They were affixed to
the ship right next to a large observation window, which afforded
him an excellent view into what appeared to be a suite. To his
surprise, there was a familiar face in the window, waving at him.
It was Luke, his artificial cheek twisted into a grin even
more lopsided than Han's. In one hand he held up a posterboard
sign, on which he had scribbled a message in magic marker:
BYE BYE DICKHEAD
Han sighed, waved back, then walked out of the cockpit.
In airlock 32, Luke and ten Imperial recruits were pulling on
their pressure suits, preparing to go outside. "Alright boys, I'm
not gonna bullshit you," Luke said as he locked his helmet on.
"Most of you are probably gonna die out there, as that appears to
be the direction this saga is going in. You can at least take
heart in the fact that this galaxy is so uniquely fucked up that
there has to be some kind of cosmic deity controlling it all. Of
course he must be a sick motherfucker too, but...never mind." Luke
hit the intercom. "Ozzel? Now's your big chance."
Ozzel's voice came back over the speaker. "The tractor beam
is back online, Lord. They're not going anywhere."
Luke smiled. "The tractor beam makes everything else worth
it, doesn't it?" He turned to the recruits. "Alright, I'm
depressurizing and opening the airlock, so now would be a good time
for everybody to finish putting their gear on." He slammed the
depressurization button. Two of the slower recruits who hadn't
finished suiting up popped like corn kernels, painting the insides
of their helmets red. Thousands of blood droplets twinkled in the
airlock. Luke shool his head. "Christ, I counted slowly and
The airlock door slid open, revealing the bluish hull of the
Executor, extending outward in an enormous expanse of metal. Luke
stepped out, and began hiking in the direction of the Falcon, which
was about a hundred yards away. Luke scanned the cockpit window as
he approached, but none of the crew were in sight.
When they were within about 20 meters of the craft, Luke
motioned for the others to stay back. "Wait here. I'm going in
alone." When he reached the hull, he caressed it lovingly, then
began walking around the perimeter of the ship, looking for signs
of life. He unhooked his lightsaber from his belt.
"This isn't going to work." Within the Falcon, Han Solo
crouched in the cockpit, looking at one of the exterior monitors.
It showed the Imperial boarding party, standing in a small group
away from the ship, shuffling their feet awkwardly. Solo nudged
Chewie, who lay next to him, his hairy paw gripping a remote
control signaller. "Alright, Shaggy, they've stopped. Now what?"
Chewie glanced at the monitor, then barked a quiet laugh.
"Raarraeehh." (Now we learn the value of a clogged waste unit.
Lucky you never got the hang of that plunger.) He pressed a button
on the remote control.
On the underbelly of the Falcon, a small waste ejection pipe
surged into action. It vibrated for a moment, then blasted out a
fetid cloud consisting of several weeks worth of feces and urine,
all of which froze immediately upon contact with the vacuum.
Propelled at lethal speeds by the difference in pressure, it
created a razor sharp spray of solid effluent which hurtled toward
the unsuspecting boarding party.
Luke, who was safely behind the spray, blinked in
astonishment. Nearly the entire collection of recruits was wiped
out by the attack, their pressure suits ripped to shreds. Their
mangled, lifeless bodies spun off into the vacuum of space. Luke
sighed. "Shit. Well at least the Emperor doesn't have to write
the notification letters." Only two recruits remained, crouched on
the deck, too petrified to move.
The landing ramp abruptly dropped downward, nearly crushing
Luke underneath it. "Fuck!" He stumbled backwards, getting behind
Leia, clad in a stylish pastel pressure suit and helmet,
stepped out onto the hull, brandishing a blaster. With deadly
accuracy, she finished off the remaining recruits with two pinkish
salvos of laser bolts, sending their dismembered limbs flying off
into the void. Luke hid behind the ramp as Leia briefly admired
her handiwork, then went back inside. Then, silently, he followed
her up the gangway just before it closed.
Within the ship, Leia pulled off her helmet, then withdrew the
pins from her hair, letting it spill down. Luke stood behind her,
unnoticed. Han's voice echoed from the cockpit. "Well, your
highness, how did it go?"
Leia laughed. "Let's just say I'm glad I'm not writing the
notification letters. Now let's get the fuck out of here." She
briefly put her blaster down so she could take off her suit. Luke
immediately grabbed it, gripped her neck from behind, and shoved
the muzzle of the blaster into her mouth, stifling her cry.
He hissed in her ear. "Suck on that for a while, sis." He
kneed her in the stomach, doubling her over, then bashed the back
of her head with the blaster. She fell to the floor, unconscious.
Luke licked the bloody butt of the weapon and headed for the
Chewie was just getting up from the floor when a shot from
Luke's blaster struck him squarely in the belly. He roared in
agony, clutching at the blackened, sizzling hole in his fur.
Han spun around, saw Luke, and sized up the situation.
"Uh...Hey, kid. Thank God you're here. Look, kid, I'm sure you're
pissed off, and you have a right to be, but ah...the bitch
kidnapped me, right? Forced me to take her onboard, pilot the ship
all by myself, do all the repairs..." His explanation was cut
short by another blast from Luke's gun, which cut a hole in Han's
leg. He crashed to the floor, screaming.
Luke patted him on the head. "It's okay, Han, you don't have
to explain everything now." He straightened up, then noticed
Chewie, who was rapidly losing consciousness from his own blaster
wound. Luke scratched the fur on his head lovingly. "And don't
you worry, big fella. I've got people who can fix you."
The banquet hall was laid out beautifully, with several dozen
menservants lining the room, ready to fulfill the smallest wish of
the diners. The table was nearly 10 meters long, decorated
lavishly with erotic ice sculptures. Luke sat at the head of the
table, finishing up his appetizer of raw oysters.
Han, Leia, and R2 also sat at the table. Leia, whose head was
bandaged, glared lethally at Luke, refusing to touch her food.
Luke winked at her. "Eat up, Leia. This is your last supper,
Several attendants swept into the banquet room, carrying an
enormous platter. They set it down in the center of the table.
Luke rubbed his hands in delight. "Ah, the entree." One of the
attendants whisked the cover off the platter, revealing an
exquisitely garnished, unusually large roast. They began cutting
slices and laying them in front of the diners.
Han cut off a morsel and ate it. "Mmm...not bad. What is
this, Triannii? Never tasted boiled cat like this before."
Leia threw her napkin on the table and pushed her plate away.
"Try boiled dog, you idiot. You're eating your co-pilot."
"Really?" Han examined the meat, then continued chewing. "I
always figured he'd be leaner."
Luke smiled at Leia, his mouth full. "Hey, sis. Don't look
know, but there's a wasp crawling on your arm."
"I'll kill it later," she declared icily, looking him in the
eyes. "Along with a few other parasites."
Luke put down his fork. "You know, bitch, you are a real
bring-down. Why can't you get into the spirit of this?"
"I'm not partial to Wookiee."
"That's not what I've heard. Look, cooking the thing was a
real pain in the ass, especially when it kept trying to crawl out
of the oven. Three of our best chefs were killed. I tried to make
this dinner as nice as I could, and you're pissing all over me.
Well fuck you very much." Luke stood up. "Guards!" Several
stormtroopers approached. "Take Punch and Judy to their cells.
Have the Imperial torturer get his shit together."
Han was unceremoniously dragged away from the table, still
chewing. "At least let me finish...Can I bag the rest of it?" The
guards wrested the fork from his hands, and carried him out of the
hall, along with Leia.
Luke surveyed the half-eaten meals. "That's the last time I
try to entertain."
R2, who had been watching quietly the whole time, slowly
rolled over to Luke, who watched him carefully. "Never thought I'd
see your rusty ass again."
"Wait a second." Luke reached over and flicked a button on
R2's torso, converting his speech to understandable words. "I've
been meaning to ask you--how'd you get off the Death Star before it
blew? Did you have a premonition it was going to explode?"
"Are you kidding me?" R2 exclaimed, his voice sounding
strangely like a midget inside a trash can. "Shit like that tends
to follow you around. I got friendly with a tugboat operator and
shoved off the same day we arrived. After that I drifted around--
Commenor, Bestine, Etti IV, Wrigley's Pleasure Planet,
"You got to Dantooine? Hey, did you show Jabba my
"What'd he think?"
"He thought it sucked."
"Tough business." Luke patted R2 on the head. "I bet you
think you've got 9 lives, don't you? Well I hate to break this to
you, but I'm gonna have you destroyed along with the others. Gotta
keep my character consistent, you know."
"I kinda figured that." Without warning, a tiny mechanical
syringe emerged from R2's body, filled with an orange fluid. It
plunged into Luke's wrist, injecting its contents.
Luke yanked his arm away. "Fuck! What was that?"
"Just a little something for your pimples."
Luke suddenly felt weak in the knees. He slipped back into
his chair, then experienced an incredible rush of pleasure which
lit up every nerve in his body like a supernova. His pupils
dilated immediately, and his jaw fell into a slack, childish grin.
"Ooohhh....Oooohhhh....Fuck me...What is this stuff?"
"That, Emperor Skywalker, is my guardian monkey, and he's
gonna be living on your back for a while. It's called Acnetrex.
It's supposed to clear up your skin, but Membrex had to take it off
the market when it was found to have certain...fringe benefits.
You are now addicted, and I'm the only supplier in the quadrant.
So I think you might want to grant me a stay of execution."
Luke fell out of his chair, drool running down his cheek.
"Sure, baby...it's all groovy...groovy baby, sure..."
A pair of stormtroopers dragged Leia Organa down a seemingly
endless cellblock hallway. Her feet had been bound, Chinese-style,
her head shaved, and she wore a pair of viciously tight handcuffs.
The troopers opened the door to the cell, picked her up, and threw
her inside. "Rest easy, Princess," said the taller one as he
locked the door. "The garrison's having a barbecue later tonight,
and we plan on getting pretty smashed. When we come back, maybe
you'll be a little more enthusiastic." He closed the door.
Leia squirmed around on the floor, trying to take in her
surroundings. A single light fixture illuminated the cell weakly.
One corner was in complete darkness. A speaker in the ceiling
piped in elevator music at a level that was just a bit too loud.
With much effort, Leia managed to sit up.
A smooth, feminine voice drifted out from the darkened corner.
"Your bleeding has stopped."
Leia whipped her head around and peered into the darkness. As
her eyes adjusted, she could make out the form a figure sitting in
the corner. "Who are you? How do you know about my period?"
The figure stood up and stepped into the light. She was a
dignified-looking woman in her forties, wearing a tattered beige
robe. Her long, reddish hair was tangled and dirty. "I know many
things, Leia Organa."
Leia squinted at her. "Hey, don't I know you..."
"My name is Mon Mothma."
"That's right, you're..."
"Just about the only other woman with a speaking part in this
saga, that's right. I also used to head the Rebellion, before I
was captured. Do you know that you're the first human being I've
seen in 8 years?"
Leia sighed. "Did you really have to tell me that?"
"I'm sure it is, but did you have to say it? Now it's like,
since I'm the first person you've seen in 8 years, I have to be
really interesting or something. I suppose you'll be wanting to
have sex, too. You see the pressure you've put me under?"
"Calm yourself, Leia," Mothma purred, standing over her.
"You've lived with pressure your whole life. I understand.
Remember how quickly the boys discovered you? All those tedious,
sticky fumblings in the backseats of hovervans, when all you could
think about was..."
"Cut the shit, sister," Leia interrupted. "I know the score.
There are no guys around, so we don't have to be dainty. If you
wanna fuck, just say so."
Mothma looked at the floor, embarrassed. "I wanna fuck."
Leia nodded. "Fine." Before she could lie down, Mothma had
stripped and jumped on top of her. She ripped Leia's shirt open
and began sucking her nipples ravenously. Leia winced. "Slow
down, lady. We've got time." Mothma's tongue orbited her aureoles
in succession, coating Leia's breasts with saliva. She buried her
face between them, purring like a kitten. Her tongue left a
shining trail down Leia's stomach, until it reached her pants,
which Mothma unzipped and pulled off with considerable dexterity.
Leia admired her prowess. "I can see you've been rehearsing
this." Mothma grunted an affirmative before she pulled Leia's
panties down, exposing her somewhat sweaty patch of black pubic
hair. She thrust her face into it, catching the hairs in her teeth
and chewing them. With her fingers, she began vigorously rubbing
Leia's clitoris. Leia smiled. "Oh yeah, that's the spot."
Mothma wasted very little time getting to the cunnilingus.
Her long tongue alternately lashed and caressed Leia's labia.
Mothma only came up occasionally for breath, gazing darkly into
Leia's eyes and licking her lips before plunging her chin vulva-
ward. Leia writhed ecstatically--this was the best head she'd ever
received by a mile. "Oooh...oh, yes!" Her back arched like a
snake's as she gave increasingly boisterous vocal vent to her
pleasure. Soon the elevator music was all but drowned under an
avalanche of moans and cries. Mothma reared up and coughed, eyes
closed and chin dripping, using her right hand on Leia and her left
"Remember, Leia," she cooed, "everything you need to destroy
the Empire is right here between your legs. Everything..."
Leia clamped her thighs together, embracing Mothma. "Less
talking! More licking!"
Mothma smiled. "I think you're ready for something special."
She spat on her fingers and rubbed them around Leia's vagina,
ensuring complete lubrication. Then she thrust her hand inside,
her fingers probing nearly into Leia's uterus.
Leia stopped moaning. "Uh, I don't mean to break your
concentration or anything, but there aren't even any nerves that
"Don't worry, dear. Just retrieving something." She pushed
in further, making Leia gasp, before she pulled her hand back out.
She held Leia's IUD between thumb and forefinger. "For what I'm
about to do, this can be a nuisance." She threw it aside.
"What are you going to do?" Leia asked, almost frightened.
"I'm going to expand your horizons," Mothma replied. She
began deliberately hyperventilating, saturating her lungs with air.
Finally, with her cheeks inflated and her face red, she lowered her
head back down to Leia's groin. Leia closed her eyes...
For perhaps the tenth or eleventh time in his adult life, Han
Solo screamed like a baby. He was strapped into a model T-42 All-
Purpose Interrogation Recliner, being given the full treatment by
the head Imperial torturer in a dingy, dank cell. The torturer,
draped in a black robe, patted Han's head.
Han's eyes bulged in terror. "No! NOOO!!!!"
The torturer grinned cruelly and loaded another full stick of
Fleischmann's Margarine into the T-42's hydraulic force-feeder. He
deposited the wrapper in a trash can, where a dozen similar
wrappers had already been dumped. Metal clamps tightened on either
side of Solo's head, immobilizing it, while two more clamps pulled
his mouth open and pinched his nose.
Han struggled to talk with the clamps in his mouth.
"Aaarharaarrahhghgaaarrrr!!" (If you have a single atom of humanity
left in your black and evil soul, you'll desist right now!)
"Stop struggling, Solo. If you'll just be more cooperative,
maybe I'll give you a scrap of toast to go with it."
"AAAAGGGAGGRHRAA!!" (GOD WILL JUDGE YOU, YOU AVATAR OF HELL!!)
Inexorably, the force-feeder crammed the margarine into Han's
mouth. Tears streamed from his reddish eyes as he involuntarily
swallowed again...and again...and again.
Suddenly the doors to the cell opened, and Admiral Ozzel
strode in. The torturer glared at him, annoyed.
"With respect, Admiral, I'm not finished."
"Yes you are," Ozzel replied, meeting his gaze. "I'm
terminating the session."
"I'm following a direct Imperial order, Admiral. '6 hours of
purposeless gastro-intestinal torture.'"
Ozzel levelled a blaster at the torturer. "I'm altering the
orders. Now unstrap him."
The torturer, trembling with anger, reluctantly undid Solo's
bonds and let him slip to the floor.
"Now punch him in the stomach," Ozzel ordered.
The torturer hauled Han to his feet, then wound up and dealt
him a mighty punch to his bloated stomach. Han fell to his knees
and retched like a dying man, releasing a nauseating yellow torrent
of half-digested margarine. As soon as his stomach had emptied,
Han slowly stood up, wiped his chin, and addressed Ozzel.
"Can I borrow your blaster for a second?" He took the weapon
from Ozzel, then turned to the torturer, whose eyes widened in
terror. Han kicked him in the testicles, dropping him to the
ground, then grabbed him from behind. With the skill that comes
with experience, he yanked the torturer's pants down, and jammed
the muzzle of the blaster deep into his rectum.
"Aaahh!" The torturer's eyes bulged. "Nooo...!"
His cry was cut short as Han, his face contorted into a
Satanic mask of rage, squeezed the trigger. The laser exploded
through the torturer's body, leaving a smoking, bloody hole in the
front where his genitals had hung a moment before. Han kept firing
until the body stopped twitching.
He yanked the blaster out, wiped it off with the torturer's
robe, and handed it back to Ozzel. "Sorry about the mess. Who are
"A friend," Ozzel replied. "I represent a group of Imperial
officers who've become disheartened by the way things have been
going. Skywalker is a lunatic, and we're dedicated to his
destruction. His leadership is a sick tree and it needs to be torn
up by the roots before the true glory of the Republic can be
"So you're rebelling against the Empire?"
"Pretty much. Would you like to join us?"
"Sure. So what's the plan?"
"You and that Princess are our only hope. You've achieved
something of a celebrity status in the outer quadrants. If you can
escape, you'd be an inspiration to others, and a new Rebellion can
rise from the ashes of the old. We're going to help you rescue the
Princess and escape."
"Do I absolutely have to rescue her?"
"I'm afraid so. The Millennium Falcon is in hangar 18. We've
fixed the hyperdrive, and I'll make sure the tractor beam is
offline. We've had an upgraded operating system installed on your
ship. It's the latest thing. The manuals are onboard."
"Fine. You know, I admire you, Admiral--staying here
selflessly, dedicated to the liberation of the galaxy."
Ozzel laughed. "Fuck the galaxy. You think I want to spend
another second on this deathtrap? I'm coming with you."
When the last waves of her fourth orgasm finished rocking her
exhausted, soaked body, Leia fell back on the floor. "My God," she
said, between breaths, "Where did you learn that?"
Mothma sat back contentedly, licking her fingers. "Many
Bothans died to bring me that information. So Leia, do you think
you're ready to ah..." Mothma casually pointed to her groin.
"I guess so," Leia said cautiously.
"Don't worry. I'll help you." Mothma crawled forward like a
crab, depositing her vagina (yawning open like an expectant mouth)
under Leia's chin. Leia leaned forward, spat on it, and grinned.
"Here goes nothing."
Before she had even taken her first lick, the door to the cell
whooshed open. Luke Skywalker strode in, his deactivated
lightsaber held at the ready. The door closed behind him.
"Oh, now isn't that cute?" Luke inquired mockingly. "Didn't
I tell you you'd be hungry after skipping dinner?"
"Look Luke," Leia replied, irritated, "I know you're Emperor
and everything, and I'm supposed to die soon, but could you come
back in about 15 minutes?" Then she noticed Luke's eyes, which
were bloodshot. "Are you strung out on something?"
Mothma stood up. She faced Luke, nude and defiant. "Your
evil can't last Skywalker. Your Empire may have imprisoned me, but
you'll never imprison the human spirit."
"Don't be so sure," Luke replied, readying his saber. "I've
got our best scientists working on it and we're close to a
breakthrough. Anyhow Mothma, my sister and I would like some
privacy, so..." Luke lunged forward in mid-sentence, ignited his
saber, and whipped it in a circular, propeller-like motion. Hot
blood sprayed on the cell wall. Mothma's breasts fell to the
floor, looking like two overripe pink grapefruit halves. She
dropped to her knees, blood pouring from the two gaping holes in
Luke leaned over and picked up one of the severed glands.
"How do you like that, sis? They're real." He threw it aside with
a sneer, then knelt in front of Mothma, who was breathing her last.
"Funny thing is, Moth--they never locked the door. You could have
left the cell any time you wanted. Now what was that you were
saying about the 'human spirit?'" Mothma gaped in horror, then
pitched forward, dead.
Luke turned off his saber, wiped the blood from his face, and
started unbuckling his pants. "Alright, let's get to it."
Leia stared at Mothma's body, devastated. "Do you have any
idea what you just did?"
"Wait, don't tell me...Something bad, right?" Luke slipped
off his underwear and began stroking his mechanical penis, which
was being somewhat uncooperative. It was getting hard, then soft
in 3 second intervals. "Come on, dammit." He twisted it around.
Leia snickered. "That dick wasn't everything you hoped for,
was it? Common problem."
"Shut up! It does this sometimes. Just needs a
good...whack!" He twisted his pelvis, slamming his penis into the
wall. Finally it began to function properly, growing to a
comfortable nine inches. Luke mounted Leia, whose bonds prevented
her from throwing him off. After a few near-misses, he jammed his
cock into her. She lay as motionless as a corpse, putting up with
the rather unpleasant sensations. She turned her head to the side,
not wanting to look at Luke. Something tiny gleamed in the corner.
She focused her eyes on it, then realized with horror what it was--
her discarded IUD. She gasped.
Luke struggled to keep his eyes focused. He was beginning to
sweat profusely, and yet despite the warmth of Leia's vagina, his
extremities were becoming increasingly cold--a sign of Acnetrex
withdrawal. His thoughts drifted to R2 and his magic syringe.
With each rocking motion, Leia tried to shift their bodies
closer to the corner where her IUD lay. Luke became conscious of
the motion and gave her a sharp slap. "Hey, what are you doing?
This isn't a roller derby. Stay put." He continued to poke,
fighting his way to orgasm through an increasingly thick haze of
junk sickness. He coughed a rope of phlegm into Leia's face.
She didn't notice. The IUD was too far away, she'd never
reach it in time. And even if she did, she'd never be able to
insert it. Her mind raced for an alternative. She couldn't bear
the thought of bringing her brother's progeny into the world.
"Hey, uh, Luke. Uh...Let me suck it."
Luke coughed again, his focus slipping. "Ughh...what?"
"I want to suck it. Please let me suck it." She mustered her
best 'fuck-me' voice. "You're right, I missed it. I missed the
taste of your beautiful cock. I never told you how much I loved
having you in my mouth. Please Luke, let me taste it one last
time. I want to feel your come slide down my throat. I want to
swallow it all. Oh God, please!"
"Whaaa..." Luke felt as if his whole body was covered with
spiders made of ice. He could barely register Leia's voice.
"Dammit!" Leia head-butted him, trying to bring him back.
"Will you stick your fucking cock in my mouth, please!"
Just then, the door slid open. Two stormtroopers walked in.
One of them immediately grabbed Luke from behind and tried to pull
him out of Leia. The extra sensation proved enough to jump-start
Luke's hypothalamus. With a sickly grunt, he ejaculated into his
weary sister. The trooper finally wrenched him out and threw him
backwards onto Mothma's corpse. Luke lay in a daze, his penis
still standing up like a flagpole.
Leia, who had registered Luke's orgasm, sighed. "Too little,
too late." She looked at her near-saviors. "What are you,
"Cool it, your worship," the trooper replied. "It's me, Han.
We're getting out of here. But we gotta do it quiet-like." With
a grunt, he hoisted Leia onto his back.
"What about the Emperor?" she shot back, dangling over Han's
shoulder. "We can't just leave him here alive."
"There are troops all over the cell-block. We've got to make
this look like a routine prisoner transfer."
"But I wanna kill him!"
Still on top of Mothma, Luke shivered and babbled.
"Ssshh!" Han hissed at Leia. "There'll be another time."
"Okay." Leia paused for two seconds. "How about now?!"
"Will you be quiet?" Han groaned through clenched teeth.
The other stormtrooper produced a gag from his utility belt.
He smoothly slipped it over Leia's mouth, silencing her. Solo
nodded at him. "Thanks, man. Where have you been all my life?"
The three escapees moved stealthily down a corridor, passing
through a series of pre-arranged checkpoints. Leia, who was now
able to walk after having her foot bindings removed, finally
managed to chew her way through her gag. "Look Solo, I don't how
you arranged this, but from now on I'm in charge."
Han chuckled. "Look, your Worshipfulness, I take orders from
exactly three people--Me, my mother, and this other guy you've
never met. Since neither of those two are around, I'm calling the
shots here, so just shut up and let me find a way out of this..."
The other stormtrooper broke in. "Solo, you couldn't find
your dick with two hands and a map. I'm conducting this
"Who are you?" Leia snapped.
"My name's Ozzel. I represent a group of Imperial officers
who've become disheartened..."
"Skip it," Leia said. "So what's our plan?"
"We're just a few decks away from the hangar where your ship
is kept. The hyperdrive has been restored, and the tractor beam
"Great." Leia scanned the hallway in both directions. There
was no one in sight. "You know, this ship is rather conveniently
"A lot of the troops are at some kind of barbecue," Ozzel
answered. "And most of the officers stay away from this level.
Anything below AA22 isn't fashionable enough."
When they rounded the next corner, to Ozzel's surprise, they
were suddenly face to face with a small detail of armed
stormtroopers. For a moment, both groups simply stared at each
other. Then the troopers began shouting the standard lines they'd
been forced to rehearse in boot camp:
"Stop, Rebel scum!"
"You're not authorized in this area!"
"Halt! You are in violation of..."
Ozzel interrupted their declarations with a shot from his
blaster. One of the troopers' chests exploded, and he fell to the
deck. The others turned and ran. Ozzel screamed and charged after
them. He yelled over his shoulder to Han and Leia: "Get back to
When they were out of sight, Leia sneered derisively at Han.
"Well, he certainly has courage."
Han stammered. "Well...what good is courage if you're not
around to use it?"
Luke, still groggy after having been revived by a medic with
a stim-shot, stood on the bridge. Although it kept him coherent,
the shot was wearing off, and the aching cold burn of Acnetrex
sickness was returning. He needed R2. With his neck draped in a
towel, he shivered and stared out the observation window at the
Imperial fleet. "Report!" he barked.
One of the officers stepped forward. "They've been found,
Lord. They appear to have split up..."
"Not the Rebels, fuckhead, the R2 unit! Where is it?!"
"Oh, that. Yes, well we're still working on that."
"Well work faster, motherfucker!"
Han and Leia sprinted down a hallway with several
stormtroopers in pursuit. Periodically, Leia would turn and spit
laser fire at them, howling like a banshee. "Authorize this,
asshole!!" She crouched against a wall and sent a barrage of red
beams through the smoke-filled hall.
Han grabbed her shoulder. "Come on, bitch, if we don't keep
moving we're done for!"
"Oh, gimme a fuckin' break," She yelled back, jerking her
shoulder away. "Have you ever seen a stormtrooper kill anyone?"
"Well, no, but..."
"Then lighten up. They're about as dangerous as an autistic
kindergarten class. I just want to zap a couple more..."
Han grabbed her hair and yanked her down the hallway. She
yowled in protest, but followed anyhow. They kept running, with
the cries of the troopers echoing ever closer.
("...Stop, Rebel scum! Surrender immediately!...")
They rounded a corner and were confronted by a large blast
door. Han punched the control panel and it flew open. He stepped
forward and nearly fell into an apparently bottomless shaft on the
other side of the door. They both stepped onto a small ledge, then
closed the door behind them, cutting off their attackers.
"Shit!" Han exclaimed, his voice echoing in the abyss. "Just
once I'd like to find an Imperial ship without one of these. Where
are the controls that extend the bridge?"
"You can't extend the bridge, you moron," Leia replied. "It's
designed that way. A bridge would defeat the purpose of the pit."
She looked around, then found what she needed--a small recess in
the wall, covered with glass. On the glass was emblazoned--IN CASE
OF BRIDGE MALFUNCTION (WINK, WINK), BREAK GLASS. Behind the glass
was a rocket propelled hook-and-cable. She smashed the glass with
her fist, pulled out the device, and fired it at the rafters. The
hook shot out and wrapped around a pipe. She pulled it taut.
"How did you know to do all that?" Han asked.
"The Discovery Channel." She attached the cable to her belt
and wound it around her wrist. "Grab on to me."
Han grabbed her from behind, and gave both of her breasts a
playful squeeze. "For luck," he explained. Leia shook her head
and swung off the edge...
"R2! Why have you forsaken me?!" Luke was curled into a
fetal position on the floor, shaking.
An imperial aide crouched down next to him. "Lord, I regret
to report that the rebels still haven't been..."
Luke grabbed the aide's collar, pulled him to the floor, and
hissed into his ear. "Lis...listen to me, you fuck! To hell with
the rebels. I want all personnel assigned to finding that droid!
All personnel, do you hear me?"
"Uh...all of them, Lord?"
Han and Leia crouched in a doorway, peeking into a large
hangar. The Millennium Falcon sat quietly, looking no worse for
wear. They only had one obstacle left--the horde of stormtroopers
"Now what, your highness?" Han whispered sarcastically. "Do
we just wait for them to leave?"
Then, for no apparent reason, all the stormtroopers suddenly
trotted out of the hangar, leaving the Falcon completely unguarded.
Leia glanced at Han.
"Just shut up," Han muttered. They sprinted across the hangar
and up the Falcon's open landing ramp. When they reached the
cockpit, they looked out the window and noticed a commotion
outside. The troops who had just left were now being forced back
into the hangar. Laser blasts illuminated the bay. "What the
fuck's going on?" Han sputtered.
Leia shrugged. "Who gives a shit? I just hope your boys got
that tractor beam out of commission or this is gonna be a real
Han grabbed her arm. "Wait." He peered out the window.
Ozzel, who had discarded his stormtrooper suit, was blasting
a swath through the troopers. He appeared to have suffered
multiple wounds, and his grey admiral's outfit hung on his scarred
body in bloody tatters. Screaming defiantly, he fired shot after
shot, killing everyone in his path and slowly working his way to
Leia tried to pull Han's arm away. "Fuck him, Solo. He knew
the risks going in. We've got to leave."
Han ran aft. Leia shook her head and pressed the button that
raised the ramp.
Han stood at the entranceway and cheered Ozzel on. The ramp
was already going up. "Run, Ozzie, run!"
Ozzel noticed him, dropped his blaster, and began running as
fast as his legs could carry him. "I'm coming!" The troopers
rained fire on him mercilessly. Most of their shots missed (these
were stormtroopers, after all), but a few landed, knocking Ozzel to
the floor. Suffering hit after hit, he somehow managed to get back
up and continue running, as if in slow motion.
Han felt the engines on the Falcon roar to life. The ramp was
now halfway closed. "Hurry up, Ozzie! You're gonna be a permanent
Staying just a few feet ahead of the advancing troops, Ozzel
finally reached the ramp, which was nearly closed. He launched
himself heroically and landed on the ramp's edge, with his lower
torso still dangling in the air. Han grabbed his arm and began
pulling. "You made it, baby, you..." Then Han realized he wasn't
strong enough to pull Ozzel up the rest of the way. "Uh oh."
"Solo!" Ozzel cried, realizing his fate. "YOU FUCKING PUSSY-
ASSED SONOFA..." His words were replaced by gouts of blood as the
ramp closed on him. His ribcage was audibly crushed, and after a
few more awkward, nauseating seconds, his entire upper body was
severed as the ramp finished closing. Han fell backward. "Oh
man, that is disgusting." Ozzel's lifeless eyes stared into his,
and his hand was still folded around Han's in a vice-like
deathgrip. Han got up and tried to move away, but the torso still
clung to him, spilling blood and entrails onto the floor as it was
dragged along. "Shit!" Finally he had to smash the hand against
a bulkhead, breaking the knuckles. He peeled the fingers back one
by one and got himself loose.
In the cockpit, Leia was making the final preparations to lift
off. The stormtroopers outside hadn't quite grasped the situation
yet, and were milling around outside, pointing quizzically at Leia
and shrugging. She registered Solo's presence behind her.
"Did Ozzel make it on board?"
"Well...yes and no."
"What does that mean?"
Han sighed and dropped morosely into the co-pilot's chair.
"It means one thing's for sure--He's a lot shorter. Let's just
leave this party, huh?"
"Fine by me." Leia kicked in the thrusters, easing the Falcon
out of the hangar and into open space.
On the bridge, the turbolift opened, and a group of four
stormtroopers ran in. Hoisted above their heads was R2, who was
howling in protest.
"Come on, you bastards, put me down!"
Unable to carry him any longer, they threw him to the deck and
began rolling him toward Luke, who was struggling to lift his head.
Finally the troopers righted R2 in front of him. Luke banged his
forearm against R2's torso. "Come on...come on..."
R2 extended his syringe toward Luke's arm, which was shaking
so much he couldn't hit a vein. He stabbed the arm several times
with no success. Luke didn't even notice. Then finally the needle
struck pay dirt--blood shot up into the syringe, mixing with the
Acnetrex. R2 squirted the concoction into Luke's arm.
Luke's sickness evaporated immediately, and was replaced by a
mild nausea. But the expected rush of pleasure never arrived.
"Hey," Luke exclaimed. "Why aren't I drooling deliriously with
R2 laughed. "Shit, Skywalker, that only happens the first
time. From now on the only effect will be to stave off the agony
of withdrawal for increasingly short periods. It's already doing
wonders for your complexion, though."
Back on the Falcon, Leia suddenly remembered her uterine
predicament. The thought of Luke's child inside her filled her
with disgust. She got out of the pilot's chair. Han looked at
"Where are you going?"
Leia rubbed her groin anxiously. "I'm gonna go exercise my
right to choose. Where are the medical supplies?"
"In the fridge next to the chessboard. Look, sister...I admit
it--I don't know a fuckin' thing about the ship, so I..."
Leia picked up a stack of manuals and dumped them onto Han's
lap. "Start cramming. I've gotta practice some retroactive safe
sex." She rushed out of the cockpit.
Han shifted himself into the pilot's chair and stared blankly
at the navicomputer's screen. It displayed an ornate 'M' logo,
along with a number of obscure icons. He shuffled through the
manuals, stopping on the thinnest one. Its cover featured a
colorful picture of a beautiful woman piloting a space ship. Above
were the words: 'INTRODUCING MONTROSS 59 (ver. 234.111).' Han
opened to the first page:
Welcome to the Membrex Montross 59 Novanautical
Operating System. With Montross 59, all the things you do
with your Montross-compatible spacecraft now will be easier
and faster, and what you've always wanted to do is now
possible. In fact, we're so smart we already know what
you've always wanted to do, so we've done it for you already.
Think of the convenience!
MONTROSS IS GOOD
This book introduces you to Montross and gets you up and
running quickly. It will explain how Montross is the
greatest endeavor in the history of intelligent life. It
will explain how you've always needed Montross, even though
you weren't necessarily aware of it. It will demonstrate how
Montross is all you really need for a happy, fulfilling life.
Montross is an absolute good. Montross is life. Give
yourself to Montross. Trust Montross. Montross is good...
Luke leaned over the tractor beam operator. "Now listen, boy.
I don't want to have to re-staff this position again. Understand?"
"Yes, sir." The operator hit a few buttons on his panel, then
stared blankly at his screen. "Uh..."
Luke leaned in. "'Uh,' what?"
"The tractor..." The operator was already on the verge of
tears. "The tractor beam is..."
"Yes!" the operator burst out crying.
Luke shook his head. "How ironic that a person's life, and
the lives of his family, should hinge on the caprices of a computer
program. Almost makes me sad." He snapped his fingers, and two
guards approached. "Have 'em rounded up, anointed and put in the
aft airlock. You know the drill." The operator was dragged away,
Luke thought for a moment. "Fuck it. I was just gonna kill
'em anyway. We've got an ion cannon on this thing, don't we?"
Leia yanked the fridge open and pulled out its contents. She
quickly found what she was looking for--The Membrex 14 Choice
Actuator Kit. She quickly read the back cover:
YOU ARE WOMAN
And boy can you roar! You're on the move, wheeling,
dealing, and living the good life. But all of us can make
mistakes...and that's where the Membrex Feterm 14 Choice
Actuator Kit comes in! Trust Feterm. Feterm is good...
Leia skipped the rest and examined the equipment. It appeared
to be pretty self-explanatory: There was a comfortable-looking
nozzle, a hose, and a small vacuum with a disposable bag on it
marked, 'LIFESTYLE HAZARD - DISCARD IMMEDIATELY.' It was a bit
more elaborate than what she needed, but it would do. Leia
unzipped her pants, pulled them down, and fitted the nozzle into
"Okay, junior. Here are your walking papers." She reached
for the switch on the vacuum...then hesitated. The words of Mon
Mothma echoed through her head:
"...Remember Leia, everything you need to destroy the Empire
is right here between your legs. Everything..."
Leia thought for a moment, then pulled the nozzle out. She
zipped up her pants and stood up. "Aw, what the hell. Maybe she
was onto something." She smiled to herself, formulating a long-
term plan. "You might just come in useful, junior." She patted
Meanwhile, back in the cockpit, Han was fighting for his life.
The Imperial fleet was mobilizing a blockade, and enemy fighters
were registering on his scopes in all directions.
"That program group isn't even there! How can I click on it
when it's not fuckin' there!" He moved the mouse manically,
clicking on every icon he could find, looking for the hyperdrive
system. He browsed successive menus, searching desperately--Power
Manager, Schedule Creator, Waste Management Browser, Clothing
Coordinator, Interpersonal Relationship Manager...
Finally, he found something that looked promising--Propulsion
Manager. He clicked on it, then scanned the new window. In the
corner, barely visible, was a tiny icon depicting a hurtling rocket
superimposed over a tilted lightcone--The Hyperdrive Program. Han
laughed with glee and double clicked on it...
Warning: Cannot find
Check to insure path and
filename are correct.
Han stared at the screen, mouth agape, not believing his eyes.
The Falcon lurched as an approaching TIE fighter scored a direct
hit on the back quarter.
Luke sat at the ion cannon fire control, grinning like a
child in an ice cream store. On the screen in front of him, the
targeting computer displayed a series of receding blips. He pushed
a small joystick back and forth, letting the crosshairs rove over
the targets. The imperial aide spoke cautiously.
"Lord Skywalker, if you fire now, you'll take out half the
fleet along with them."
Luke sighed. "I believe the operative words there are, 'along
with them.'" He turned back to the screen. His finger hovered
over the trigger...
The Falcon was rapidly coming apart under the hail of enemy
fire. Leia stumbled down the corridor and into the cockpit.
"Christ, I leave for five minutes, and we're done for."
"Shut up!" Han screamed. "I'm thinking!"
"You're just sitting there. Here, let me..."
"NO!!" Han pushed Leia away. "I have to do this! Either I
come up with a plan myself, or we die!"
"Well, what's your plan, hotshot?"
"My plan is...I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PLAN!! WE'RE GONNA
FUCKING DIE!!" He screamed in rage and despair, then brought his
fist down on the console as hard as he could. He buried his head
in his hands and wept. "I'm so stupid...so fuckin' stupid..."
"Hey, genius," Leia nudged him. "Look." Han lifted his head
and looked at the screen. The Montross background had disappeared,
jolted by his slamming the console. The screen was entirely black
except for one word:
MONTROSS 59 DE-INSTALLING...
Han watched in amazement as the navicomputer hummed and groaned.
Then, abruptly, a waiting prompt and cursor appeared:
Han peered at the word. "Wait...this looks familiar." Very
slowly, he typed: GO
The system replied: HOW FAST?
He typed: REAL FAST
The system: WHERE TO?
The system: ENGAGING HYPERDRIVE. PLEASE WAIT...
After a few moments, the engines roared. Everyone fell
backwards. The stars stretched...
"Lord!" the imperial aide yelled, listening to his headset.
"Can't talk. Almost there..." Luke pressed the trigger. The
windows on the bridge were lit up with a tremendous green flash, as
an unimaginable bolt of energy surged out of the ion cannon and
flashed into the void, cutting an enormous swath of destruction
through the scrambling Imperial fleet. Star Destroyers burst like
supernovas. Luke sat back, cracked his knuckles, and smiled.
"Han...Leia...we had a time, didn't we?" He turned to his
aide. "What were you going to tell me?"
"Come on, I'm in a good mood. Don't worry."
"Well, Lord," the aide whispered nervously, "apparently the
rebel ship escaped into hyperspace."
Luke stared at him for a moment. His face remained
expressionless. "I admire your honesty. Oh, well." Luke got up,
faced the terrified crew, and shrugged. "What the fuck. These
things happen, right?" He walked slowly, methodically, over to the
main window, and surveyed the wreckage of the fleet. "Which ships
did we lose?"
"The reports are coming in now," the aide replied, listening
to his headset. "Several star destroyers...The Avenger, The
Eliminator, The Havoc-Wreaker, The Contaminator..."
"Three hospital ships...7 food storage tankers...the gambling
barge...the nursery school cruiser...the prostitution frigate...and
that ship that held nothing but puppies and kittens."
Luke closed his eyes and put his hands to his temples. His
forehead was turning red. Anger rose in him like corrosive bile.
He gritted his teeth, bit the inside of his cheeks, threw back his
head, and screamed.
"FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!" With the dark side of the Force
flowing like it had never flowed before, Luke lashed out blindly
with his mind, striking down every living thing within his power.
The bridge crew began to gasp and reach for their throats. Luke
curled into a shaking ball as every man in the room suffocated to
death. When the last of them had fallen, Luke slowly looked up.
Only R2 had survived.
Luke shook his head. "Whew. I feel better now. Goddamn, it
finally worked. I almost wish my dad was here." He stood up,
dusted himself off, and went to the nearest intercom. "Personnel,
this is Skywalker. We're gonna need a new bridge crew up here on
the double." He waited for a response, but none came. "Hello?
Hello? Somebody answer! Oh, shit..."
He walked over to the nearest console, and punched up the
ship's surveillance cameras. As he brought up different camera
feeds from all over the ship, the scene was the same--bodies piled
on top of each other, each one with its hand at its throat. Luke
sat back in his chair and whistled. "Damn. The Force is stronger
in me than I thought." He slumped in his chair, contemplating his
situation. "I'm gonna miss my coronation if I don't get to Endor
soon. Hey R2, can you pilot this thing?"
R2 turned and headed for the nearest turbolift. "I'm not
gonna fuck with that operating system. I gave up S&M years ago."
"Well, I don't know how to do it."
"Well you should've thought of that before." R2 wheeled into
the lift, and his head swiveled around to face Luke. "When you
need your next hit, I'll be in the oil sauna. Knock first. In the
meantime, you want my advice?--Crack open the manuals. They'll
explain everything." His red eye winked mockingly as the lift