STAR WHORES 9: ENDORDAMMERUNG
or THE WET & WILD SIDE OF THE FORCE
by Jefferson Morris (jfmo...@capaccess.org
(copyrights infringed, 1996)
In the twenty years following LORD SKYWALKER'S
official coronation, an unimaginably vast
Imperial bureaucracy has spread like the clap,
burning the entire galaxy...
Aboard the recently-completed, supermassive
DEATH STAR PRIME, Skywalker is preparing to
unleash the IMPERIAL REVENUE FLEET, which is
poised to commit the economic equivalent of
anal rape on every star system within a
100,000 light-year radius...
But little does Skywalker know that PRINCESS
LEIA has given birth to Luke's son, JACK, who
is now 20. Aboard her personal cosmetic
frigate, Leia briefs Jack about his role in
the upcoming rebel assault, while recuperating
from having her tits lifted (again)...
With a languorous swagger, Princess Leia Organa entered her
personal oil bath chamber aboard the rebel frigate Vixen. Although
she had recently celebrated her 43rd birthday, hundreds of hours
under the vibro-scalpels and dermalasers of captured Imperial
plastic surgeons had rendered the passing of years virtually
unnoticeable. Looking radiant, with a single streak of silver in
her otherwise raven-colored hair, she smiled.
"Jack, my lovely, clever boy."
Standing in the middle of the bath, nude and dripping, was
Jack Organa, Leia and Luke's son. Jack pulled a wet swatch of
blondish hair away from his angelically innocent face and smiled
back. "Hello, mother. How did it go?"
Leia pulled her post-surgical robe from her shoulders,
exposing a magnificent pair of newly-lifted breasts. "You be the
Jack's eyes widened. "An engineering triumph!" He beamed
Leia cupped the back of his head and pulled him down to her
bosom. "Try them." She brought his head down to her left breast,
and be began dutifully sucking her still-tender nipple. Leia
sighed with pleasurable anticipation as she began rubbing oil over
"Mmm, mmm..." Jack grimaced, then let go of her nipple and
spat blood into his hand. "Yuck."
Leia smiled and pulled his head back down. "A little
hemorrhaging is normal. It's like a mustard bottle, you've gotta
squeeze it a bit before you get the good stuff." Jack resumed
suckling, and was soon swallowing contentedly.
"You know, Jack, this day will go down in history. April
14th--the day the rebellion rose from its ashes and ended the
tyranny of the Empire. And your name will be in the history books,
too--as the greatest perpetrator of patricide since, since...you
"But I know there's good in him, mother."
Leia sighed. "You haven't been reading those Jedi pamphlets
again, have you? Fucking bald-headed weirdos." She dropped to her
knees, and began rubbing the oil on Jack's buttocks.
"You shouldn't talk about them that way, mother," Jack
declared. "The new Jedi movement isn't like the one you grew up
with. The new Jedi uses the Force for knowledge, defense,
compassion, and food preparation. Never for attack. My father
just needs the one thing he's never gotten from anyone--love."
Leia twisted one of Jack's testicles. He groaned and fell to
his knees. "Look, you little bastard, if Skywalker survives, this
attack will go down in history as a landmark battle in the struggle
for Jack Shit."
Jack choked back tears, clutching his nuts. "But...why me?"
"Because I hate him more than I love you, okay? We've sent in
hundreds of assassins to take him out, and they've all failed."
She laughed grimly. "Hell, half the factions in the Empire want
him dead too. The Bluedog Imperials have been making attempts for
years. It's a fucking joke now. I hear he's even given them their
own office. Only you might be able to get his guard down. You are
our last hope." Leia sighed. "Now hit the showers. Later on
mommy will tuck you in and see how clean you are."
"Yes, mother." Jack shuffled away.
Leia looked after him and shook her head. "Pussy."
In the lecture hall of the Vixen, all the rebel commanders
were assembled and waiting for the pre-assault debriefing. From
the front row, Leia turned to the group and whistled. "Alright,
ladies, this is it. The entire Imperial revenue fleet is assembled
and the time for our attack has come." She faced the lectern and
sat down. "Okay, fish-face."
Admiral Ackbar, standing in front of a chalkboard, blinked at
Leia momentarily with his enormous, protruding yellow eyes, then
cleared his throat and addressed the assembly. "Uh...okay. We had
some problems with the holo-projector, so there won't be any pretty
graphics with things blowing up." Murmurs of distress spread
through the hall. Ackbar held up his hands. "Alright, I know, I'm
disappointed too." On the chalkboard, he began drawing a series of
crude circles--a large central circle, being orbited by nine other,
"Okay, the big one is Death Star Prime. That's our main
target. It's so big, it's actually orbited by the forest moon of
Endor. Further out in orbit are other smaller Death Stars--DS two
through nine--which act as a perimeter defense. General Madine?"
Madine, who was sitting in the front row, bored, looked up.
"Oh," Madine yawned, got up, and walked to the chalkboard,
taking the chalk from Ackbar. He drew a fuzzy border around Death
Star Prime. "So here's the shield. And uh, it's generated from
the forest moon. We jacked an Imperial shuttle and stole a
security code, so a strike team is going to go down and deactivate
the shield. Once it's down, as long as the Imperial engineers have
maintained their usual standard of incompetence, our fighters will
probably be able to find a hole somewhere, fly in, and blow the
fuckin' thing up." Madine picked up an eraser and rubbed out Death
Star Prime. "Ka-boom. Oh, and uh, many Bothans died, etc. etc."
In the middle of a lush grove on Endor, two Imperial troopers,
Pvt. Wilkes and Pvt. Barnes, anxiously fiddled with their armor,
trying to relieve themselves. Wilkes was having no luck with his
codpiece. "I'm just gonna have to piss myself if I can't get this
"Don't do it, your suit'll short," Barnes replied, opening a
flap on the back of his pants and squatting down. "I've lost too
many friends that way. So, uh...did you hear about the newlyweds
who couldn't tell the difference between Plastoid and K-Y?"
"Yeah, all the heat shields on their honeymoon shuttle fell
off." Wilkes finally pulled his codpiece off and peered up through
the canopy of trees as he began urinating. Blotting out a huge
portion of sky was the unimaginably vast grey sphere of Death Star
Prime. "Man, I hear they've got the finest whores in the galaxy on
DS Prime. What have we got?" Wilkes picked up his codpiece and
tried to replace it.
"A big pile of nothing," Barnes muttered back. "The other day
I got so horny I fucked a knothole in a tree."
"You call that horny?" Wilkes smiled ruefully. "Last night
I was so desperate I jerked off over your bunk and came in your
hair while you were asleep."
"I wish you hadn't told me that."
Just then a blood-curdling howl echoed from the trees,
drowning out every other noise in the ecosystem. Wilkes dropped
into a crouch and drew his blaster immediately. "We got teddy
bears in the perimeter."
Barnes did likewise. "How many?"
"Did you really come in my hair? That's pretty disgusting."
"Ssshhh! Their vision is based on movement."
"Do bowel movements count?"
There was a rustling in the bushes about 20 feet in front of
them. Wilkes peered at it, aiming his blaster. Slowly, the short,
furry shape of an ewok appeared. Its huge, glassy eyes glittered
as it waddled adorably through the brush, carrying a crude spear.
Wilkes smiled coldly and steadied his aim. He squeezed off a
single shot which streaked through the grove and exploded on the
ewok's chest. It howled and fell out of sight.
"Ha!" Wilkes stood up and twirled his pistol. "See ya,
Paddington. We're gonna eat good tonight."
Barnes stood up. "It was kind of cute."
"It'll be a lot cuter when it's cooked to a succulent golden
brown. Fire up your bike. I'll grab dinner."
Barnes holstered his blaster. "So why my hair?"
"We'll discuss it later." Wilkes waded through the
undergrowth until he had reached the spot where the creature had
fallen. It was nowhere to be found. "Must've just wounded the
fucker. But he can't have gotten far." He walked further into the
flora, disappearing from Barnes' view.
Barnes froze in terror when a terrible din erupted from the
bushes, sounding like a thousand ravenous howlrunners running wild
in a day care center. The reeds thrashed back and forth, and soon
the mangled remains of Wilkes' dismembered body were being thrown
into the air.
"Shit!" Barnes jumped onto his bike and pressed the thruster
pedals just as a section of Wilkes' intestines landed around his
neck. He zoomed out of the grove at top speed, barely avoiding the
tree trunks. When the sounds had faded in the distance, he heaved
a sigh of relief. "Whew. Poor bastard." He slowed the speeder
down slightly and shook his head. "I can't believe he came in my
A second too late, Barnes focused his eyes on a rope stretched
between two trees as the level of his chest. "Fu...!" His words
were cut off as he was clotheslined right off the bike,
somersaulting backwards into the ground. He rolled over, dazed, as
the bike crashed into a tree.
He tried to move, but both his legs appeared to be broken. He
reached for his comlink, then stopped, as he became cognizant of a
presence. A hooded figure, draped in ewok hides, emerged from the
smoke, walking rather slowly and awkwardly. A large retinue of
ewoks accompanied him, surrounding him in a protective circle.
As they closed in, Barnes shut his eyes and sighed. "I hate
this fuckin' planet."
Luke's eyes snapped open as he awoke. He tried to move, but
found his arms and legs tightly bound, to keep him from ripping out
the numerous plastic tubes which penetrated his body, criss-crossing
each other like highway ramps. He was lying in a sterile
white bed. He looked up at the familiar ceiling of his Throne
room, which was covered with an enormous mirror. His bed was next
to another, and both were surrounded by white-robed Imperial
physicians. General Veers, wearing his trademark wide-brimmed
helmet (looking somewhat like an upturned wok), stood behind Luke's
bed, carefully monitoring the procedure. When Luke saw himself in
the mirror, he was momentarily shocked at his own appearance. He
looked to be in his late sixties--emaciated and wrinkled, with
long, graying hair.
"Veers, how old am I?"
"You're forty-three today, Lord."
"Christ, you've got to be kidding."
"Nope. Today's your birthday. We've got some nice presents
for you when the exchange is over."
"Cool." Luke turned his head and looked at the bed next to
his. In it was strapped a muscular young boy of around 17,
similarly skewered with intravenous tubes which were exchanging
Luke's blood for his own. After many years of Acnetrex addiction,
this procedure, along with R2's regular injections, had become
necessary in order to keep Luke mobile. The boy moaned quietly,
his robustness rapidly evaporating as his body filled with polluted
blood. Luke called to him. "How ya feelin' over there?"
The boy's eyes rolled up into his head as he drooled out a
response. "Uhhhnn...uhhh...help me...help me, please..."
"I think you picked a winner, Veers," Luke smiled.
"No doubt, Lord," Veers replied. "He won the Imperial Academy
decathlon two years in a row."
"Who says sports scholarships aren't worth it? So where are
Veers flashed a fatherly smile, then took an envelope from his
pocket and pulled it open. Inside were two pieces of paper.
"Gift certificates?" Luke was puzzled.
"More or less. These bills were passed by the Imperial Senate
earlier today. This," he said, holding one sheet in front of
Luke's face so he could read it, "officially raises the Imperial
debt ceiling to infinity. This way you won't have to keep signing
individual bills every year."
Luke beamed with gratitude. "How did you know?"
"You dropped enough hints." Veers held up the other sheet.
"And this raises the income tax rate to 110 percent."
"Oh my God!" Luke couldn't believe his ears. "That's
"Wait a second, hear me out."
"You mean there's more?!"
"It's retroactive...backdated 500 years. Effective
immediately. I've already sent word to the fleet."
Luke's eyes began welling up as his voice filled with emotion.
Veers wiped Luke's face with a tissue. "You're worth it."
Luke looked up at the ceiling again. Color was returning to
his cheeks, and he now appeared to be in his mid-fifties. "Ah, out
with the old, in with the new." The boy next to him, who now
looked forty, was rapidly slipping into catatonia. "Or vice versa.
So what else is on the docket today, Veers?"
"I thought you might like to sit in on a little interrogation.
We screened a new shipment of male prostitutes the other day, and
one of them turned out to be an assassin."
"Let me guess--a nano-lightsaber up his ass?"
"Close. A thermal detonator in his nutsac. He fucks you,
then when his bag reaches a certain temperature--boom."
Luke laughed. "What'll they think of next?"
In the main hangar of the Rebel frigate Ingenue, Han Solo
strutted with his chest thrown forward, trying to accentuate the
gold bars which denoted his new rank--General. At 48, he was still
a dashing man, even with a bit of a paunch. He stopped in front of
an Imperial shuttle, which was being loaded by a group of
astonishingly beautiful women. They had only string bikinis to
cover their perfectly-toned bodies, while they worked diligently to
load the craft with supplies.
Just then a gorgeous short-haired brunette with an incredible
ass bumped into him, and dropped a box of what appeared to be
sexual aides. "Shit!" she exclaimed, in a seductively girlish
voice. "Move your ass outta the way, we've got work to do."
"Watch it, honey," Han warned. "I'm a general. In fact I'm
leading this attack."
"Oh, I see. Beg your pardon." The girl folded her arms,
squeezing her breasts together slightly. Her nipples poked
brazenly through the flimsy fabric.
Han stared at her chest shamelessly. "Hey, haven't I seen you
"I doubt it."
"I know, you've been in some movies, right? Like, uh...'Rebel
Scum III?' 'Jedi School?'"
"Not to my knowledge. But my colleagues and I," she said,
motioning to the other women, "did do a promotional video to raise
money for the attack--'Membrex's Girls of the Rebellion.'
Available wherever videos are sold." She picked up the box and
headed for the shuttle.
Han watched her buttocks twitch seductively with each step as
she walked away. "Oh, man. I could fuckin' live in there."
A voice sounded behind him. "Yeah, right. With that gut,
He turned, and found Leia standing there, along with a rather
short, catfish-looking humanoid with large, glassy black eyes. Han
smirked. "That's 'General' flyboy to you, sister."
"Oh right," Leia said, stifling a laugh. "Congratulations.
I'd like you to meet your co-pilot, General Nien Numb."
Numb held out his rather clammy hand. "An honor."
Han took his hand reluctantly, then addressed the Princess.
"Well, your highness, I guess this is it."
"Well...don't get all mushy on me. So long, Princess."
Leia shook her head. "Fuck you." She turned and disappeared
into the shuttle. Han watched her leave, a smile spreading over
Numb was puzzled. "What is it?"
"I suddenly got this great feeling. Like I'm never gonna see
her again. It's like a hundred-pound wad of push-pins has just
been lifted off my balls. So where did they park the Falcon?" He
began scanning the bay, looking for its dilapidated outline.
"I'm not sure," Numb replied. He addressed a mop boy who was
swabbing the deck nearby. "Colonel Derlin!"
The boy stopped his work and looked up. "What?"
"You know where the Millennium Falcon is?"
"What am I, a fuckin' valet?" Derlin snorted.
Numb turned to Solo. "I guess we better look around." The
pair began walking amongst the ships.
Han looked back at Derlin. "That guy's a Colonel?"
"How'd that happen?"
Numb shrugged. "Must've been demoted."
"Alright, boy," Luke warned. "I'm only gonna ask you one more
time. Who sent you?"
The assassin was lying on a worktable with his crotch heavily
bandaged and his head stuck in a rather vicious-looking vice.
"Fuck you," he croaked defiantly.
"'Fuck you?'" Luke looked at the eunuchs who had crowded
around the worktable to watch the interrogation. "Can you believe
this guy? 'Fuck you,' he says." Luke spat in his face and twisted
the handle of the vice until one of the assassin's eyes popped out
and dangled by its optic nerve. Blood plumed from the socket,
dripping down the sides of his face. The eunuchs hooted
enthusiastically, whipped into a frenzy.
Luke stopped tightening, then turned to Veers and handed him
a switchblade. "This has kinda lost its spark. Kill him."
One particularly eager eunuch was distressed. "But, Lord...we
thought you were going to squash his head until it exploded."
"Well, I figured that would be kind of messy."
The eunuchs began shouting, "SQUASH HIS HEAD! SQUASH HIS
Luke motioned for Veers to hold off. He addressed the
assassin. "Which do you prefer?"
The assassin spat out blood and sighed. "Man, I don't even
have an opinion."
("SQUASH HIS HEAD! SQUASH HIS HEAD!")
"Alright, alright. Everybody stand back." Luke shielded his
eyes and began squeezing tighter...and tighter. Blood began to
stream from the assassin's nose as his face turned purple. Finally
his head exploded like a rotten watermelon, spraying blood and
brain tissue on everyone. Luke loosened the vice, and a bloody
pulp (looking somewhat like a stepped-on pizza) fell to the floor.
Luke began wiping his hands off on his robe. "How was that?"
"God, I love death!" the eager eunuch cried. "Now squash his
dick! Squash his dick!"
"You're pretty aggressive for a eunuch."
The eunuch tugged wistfully at his groin. "You should've seen
Luke stepped out of the fray as the eunuchs descended on the
corpse. He walked back over to his throne, laid a towel on it, and
sat down. "That whore was a tough motherfucker, huh?"
Veers spat a grayish piece of medulla onto the floor. "Yeah."
"He might have had someone on the inside. We'd better execute
the security staff, just to be sure. But hell, it was worth it."
Luke pointed to the eunuchs, who were now laying the assassin's
mutilated genitals in the vice. "Look how much fun they're
"You don't seem too concerned, Lord."
"I'm not. Remember the prophecies I was told by those ghosts
20 years ago?"
"How can anyone forget?" Veers glanced at the chrysopaz-plated
plaque which had been set into the wall:
WHEN THINGS GET YOU DOWN, REMEMBER...
SKYWALKER SHALL NEVER VANQUISHED BE
UNTIL GREAT ENDOR WOOD TO THE HIGH DEATH STAR
SHALL COME AGAINST HIM.
AND ON TOP OF THAT...
NONE OF WOMAN BORN SHALL HARM YOU.
SO CHEER UP!
Luke leaned back in his throne. "'None of woman born'--that
pretty much rules out every assassin I can think of."
"Well," Veers pointed out, "it doesn't rule out droids."
Luke sighed. "Yeah, or a piano could fall on my head, blah
blah blah. But the Endor Wood has to come here first."
Veers put his hand to his right ear, where a tiny microphone
was embedded. "Lord, I'm getting a message. ComScan reports that
some kind of enormous energy cloud is approaching our system. They
say it's...my God...over 82 AU's in diameter. What are your
"Orders?" Luke grunted. "Christ, if I had a nickel for every
mysterious energy cloud I've seen I'd have almost a dollar. Tell
ComScan to take up needlepoint and stop wasting our time."
Veers cocked his head. "Wait, there's something else coming
in. Security reports they've discovered a stowaway on a cargo
transport. He claims to be your son. Apparently there is some
"Hmm," Luke paused. "What the hell, send him up. If he's
another hit man, we can have some more fun."
On the other side of the room, the eunuchs had all but
dismembered the assassin's corpse. But one hooded eunuch, taller
than the others, refused to participate. He stood in the shadows,
watching Skywalker carefully and whispering to himself. "Just you
wait, Rogue Leader. Just you wait."
"Hey, Shlickenmeyer," said Private Dunbar, sitting in front of
his terminal in a dingy, tiny room of Death Star Prime's Traffic
Control complex. "You wanna see Leia Organa getting it deep?"
Shlickenmeyer looked up from his own computer. "Yuck. That
rebel bitch? She's like a hundred years old."
"I bet she's still pretty hot. Always had a thing for her."
Dunbar downloaded the file, and a crudely-scanned 3-d image
appeared above the holographic display pad next to his terminal.
A miniature Leia Organa hovered motionless in midair, impaled on
the penis of a Stormtrooper. Despite the intimate nature of the
pose, her face looked strangely nonchalant and out of place.
"Fake," Shlickenmeyer snapped.
"Are you sure?"
Shlickenmeyer walked over and pointed at the holographic
Leia's neck. "Look under her chin. See how smooth the skin is?
That's interpolation. Some hacker stuck her head on another body."
Dunbar frowned and erased the image, disappointed. "Shit."
Then suddenly a new message window popped up on his screen:
UNIDENTIFIED traffic in your sector.
They look like they're keeping their distance.
Would you like to contact them?
"Hey, Shlickenmeyer, we've got unidentified traffic."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"That's what it says."
"I don't believe it." Shlickenmeyer approached. "This
department is so overstaffed they've been cutting sector size down
to nothing. Do you realize how small a piece of the perimeter we
monitor? It's like 100 meters square. The chances of any
individual ship passing through..."
"Well believe it now, motherfucker. What do I do?"
Shlickenmeyer shrugged. "Click 'yes.'"
With Death Star Prime blotting out most of the stars, Leia and
her command crew waited nervously aboard their shuttle. A light on
the com panel began blinking.
"What's that?" asked General Harney, an absolutely adorable
strawberry blonde with the cutest butt you've ever seen.
"This is it," said Leia. She hit a button and the traffic
controller's voice warbled out of a speaker on the console.
"UHH...WE HAVE YOU ON OUR SCREEN NOW. PLEASE IDENTIFY."
"Shuttle Tydirium requesting deactivation of the deflector
shield," Leia replied.
There was a moment of silence. "SHUTTLE...WHATEVER, UH...
TRANSMIT CLEARANCE CODE FOR SHIELD PASSAGE."
"Transmission commencing." Leia switched off the voice
channel and sent the code. She leaned back in her chair, waiting.
"Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid."
"How much did we pay?" asked General Dorman, a magnificently
statuesque and ample brunette, leaning over Leia's chair.
"Plus funeral expenses."
Security code is INVALID.
Would you like to destroy traffic?
"Well?" Dunbar looked expectantly at Shlickenmeyer.
"Don't look at me," Shlickenmeyer replied. "It's your
terminal, not mine."
Dunbar flipped the com back on. "Uh...shuttle, what's your
cargo and destination?"
"PARTS AND RECREATIONAL CREW FOR THE FOREST MOON."
"Oh shit," Shlickenmeyer exclaimed, covering the mike.
"'Recreational crew'--you know what that means? They're whores."
"Those faggots down there are getting whores?" Dunbar
exclaimed. "What about us?"
"Us?" Shlickenmeyer laughed. "We're nobodies. All the whores
are down there. I hear you can't unzip your fly to piss without
one of them grabbing your crank."
"That's it," Dunbar grumbled. "I'm officially changing my
name to 'Chopped Liver.' But first I'll show those speeder-biking
stool shooters down there what we do to whores with invalid
security codes." He maneuvered the mouse pointer over 'YES.'
"Wait." Shlickenmeyer held his arm. "Let's at least see what
they look like. Tell them we'd like to make a holographic ID."
"They're not going for it," Leia muttered under her breath.
"HEY, UH..." the voice on the com stammered. "HOW 'BOUT WE
MAKE THIS CONVERSATION HOLOGRAPHIC?"
"Uh...sure." Leia engaged the holo-transmitter, and a full-
sized hologram of the head and shoulders of the rather pimply
Private Dunbar materialized in the air in front of her.
His eyes widened. "IT'S YOU!"
"No shit." Leia raised an eyebrow.
"NO, I MEAN...IT'S YOU. PRINCESS LEIA. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
GOD, YOU'RE STILL GORGEOUS. HOW DO YOU KEEP IN SHAPE?"
Leia blinked, then smiled seductively. "Uh, I'm not sure who
you think I am, but...I work out some."
Shlickenmeyer turned off the holotransmitter, and the hologram
of Leia disappeared.
"What the fuck are you doing!?" cried Dunbar. "It's actually
her! She looks incredible!"
"Yeah, and she's like the leader of the rebellion, shithead.
God knows what they're gonna do down there. Blow 'em up."
"No way." Dunbar pushed Shlickenmeyer away. "You said this
was my call. This chick is sending out the signals, man."
"In your fuckin' dreams."
"Can't you see it? What are you, a fuckin' faggot?"
General Dorman sat down on a box of lingerie and sighed.
"You're endangering the mission, Organa. You shouldn't have come."
"Honey," Leia replied. "You're even dumber than you look.
I'm in complete control of this little prick. Watch and learn."
The hologram of Dunbar reappeared. "UH...HI."
"SO...DO YOU FLY HERE OFTEN?"
"Not too often. What's your name, lover?"
"Well, Roger, do you believe in fate?"
"I DON'T KNOW."
"Well I do. I was flying out here to meet the man of my
dreams, and I think I just have."
"The Maker works in mysterious ways, Roger." Leia unzipped
the front of her flight jacket, displaying more and more cleavage.
"I've traveled a long way for you." With exquisite slowness, she
pulled the edges of her jacket aside, revealing her magnificently
"OH..." Dunbar's face was reddening. "WOW."
"It's my birthday today, Roger. You know what I've always
wanted for my birthday?"
"A nice...shiny...pearl necklace." She threw her head back
and pressed her tits together, pinching the nipples.
"Oh, yeah. I'm there." Unable to contain himself, Dunbar
stood up and unzipped his pants, revealing a modest but energetic
six-inch erection. He placed the organ directly between the
fabulous holographic breasts which glittered in front of him and
began jerking off madly, moving his hips up and down.
Leia moaned over the speaker. "OH...YEAH...FUCK ME...OH YOUR
COCK IS SO BIG..."
Dunbar was already sweating and panting. "You like it...don't
you, bitch? Uhhnnh...rebel bitch...Oh, yeah..." His face was
contorted into an absolutely ridiculous mask of passion.
Shlickenmeyer sat back down glumly. "The politicians are
right. We are a bunch of sickos."
"FUCK MY TITTIES, YEAH. I WANNA TASTE YOUR HOT CUM."
"I'm there, cunt! Rebel cunt!" Dunbar was nearly weeping
with lust. "I'm right there!"
"This is fuckin' twisted," quipped General Corwin, a
magnificent, golden-skinned goddess of Asian extraction.
"Sshh!" Leia snapped, caressing her breasts in front of a
masturbating holographic groin. "I want your cock inside me,
"ME TOO! ME TOO! YEAH...FFUUUCCKKK!" Dunbar's sex talk
dissolved into incoherent grunts. Then after a few more seconds of
anguished masturbating, a shiny rope of holo-semen squirted out of
the penis and evaporated in front of Leia's face.
Leia cried out. "Ohhh!" She lay back in her chair and began
licking the imaginary ejaculate off her face. "Oh, baby, it tastes
so good. Mmmm. Now how'd you like the real thing?"
Dunbar sat back down, face red, and panted his answer.
"Well then we shouldn't let something as silly as a deflector
shield come between us. As soon as I've delivered my cargo on the
moon, I'll come back up to the Death Star and we can try this face
to face. Where are your quarters?"
"ROOM 237, APARTMENT BLOCK AA23. DEACTIVATION OF THE SHIELD
WILL COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY. FOLLOW YOUR PRESENT COURSE, BABY."
"Clear skies, lover." Leia switched off the holotransmitter,
zipped up her jacket, and turned to the crew. "And that, ladies,
is how we do that."
Shlickenmeyer's eyes were wide with amazement. "Are you
fuckin' crazy!? We can't let them land."
"Fuck you," Dunbar clicked the 'Deflector Systems' icon.
"Step away from your terminal."
"Gimme a good reason."
"Okay." Shlickenmeyer pulled a tiny blaster from his belt and
leveled it at Dunbar's head. "How's this?"
Dunbar stood up and faced him. "Don't you believe in love at
first sight, faggot?"
"Listen, shitbird," Shlickenmeyer said coldly. "I may believe
in one all-powerful Force controlling everything. I may believe
that year-end tax refunds are actually a 'gift.' Hell, I may even
believe in dick, pussy, and long, slow, hot, wet kisses that last
three days. But I don't buy love-at-first-sight."
"That's your problem, Shlickenmeyer," Dunbar said. "You've
got no faith in human nature." With that, he knocked the gun to
the floor, slipped behind Shlickenmeyer, took his head in his
hands, and wrenched it around viciously, breaking his neck.
Shlickenmeyer gurgled briefly and fell to the floor.
Dunbar straightened his uniform and sat back down at his
computer. With a few clicks, the deflector shield was down. After
the shuttle had passed safely through, he reactivated the shield
and shut off his computer. He held his sweaty palm up in front of
himself and addressed it. "Well, baby, you've taken me a long way.
But I'm afraid we must part. Tonight...I am a man."
The turbolift doors opened, and Jack Skywalker's eyes widened
as he took in the glory of the Imperial Throne room. He swallowed
nervously as the two officers who accompanied him pulled him
roughly out of the lift. His hands were tightly bound. When they
had reached the shiny black stairs which led up to the throne, one
officer held him while the other ascended. Luke sat quietly in his
throne, facing away from them and staring out the window. The
officer leaned over and spoke. "Lord, we've brought the stowaway,
as you requested. Though he denies it, I believe there may be more
of them. He was armed only with these." The officer held out a
stack of pamphlets.
Luke held one up and squinted at it. The cover depicted a
lovely, blue-skinned humanoid female, clothed in white robes. In
her right hand she held a lightsaber handle, out of which grew a
long-stemmed flower with pink, blue, and green petals. The title
of the pamphlet read: 'ASHLA: GODDESS OF THE GOOD SIDE.'
Jack's eyes remained fixed on the back of the throne as he was
pushed up the stairs. After the guards had left, he whispered
Luke swiveled around and held up one of the pamphlets.
"Before we get into that, tell me--What the hell is this shit?"
"Father...it's you." Jack's face reddened, and his eyes began
watering. "All these years, I've..."
"I mean, is this a joke?" Luke pointed at the picture of
Ashla. "Who is this blue bitch?"
"That's Ashla, the patron saint of the new Jedi--an order
based on love rather than hate."
Luke cocked an eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"Yes, it's wonderful. We operate by three basic precepts,
represented by the three petals of Ashla's lightflower." Jack
leaned over and pointed to the flower on the cover. "The pink
petal represents precept one--Let go of your hate. When the red of
anger changes into the white of peace, the interim is pink. The
blue petal--Feel the Force around you. Blue is the color of the
ocean. The ocean of love which the Force represents." Jack's
voice rose dramatically. "And finally the green petal--Stretch out
with your feelings. When a Jedi stretches out, he feels the
harmony of living things, represented by the harmonious green of
the trees in the forest. This is all on page 12, by the way, just
before the soup recipes. Father? Father, are you listening?"
Luke gaped at Jack, then cried out. "This...is not my son!"
"I was born of Leia Organa," Jack declared. I was conceived
on cell block AA23 of the Super Star Destroyer Executor 20 years
ago. My father is Emperor Luke Skywalker. I am Jack Skywalker."
"No..." Luke cried, backing up against the observation window.
"That's not true...that's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, father, you know it to be true."
"NNNOOOO!!! NNNOOO!!" Luke slipped to the floor, nearly in
tears. "Kill it! Kill it!"
"With pleasure," one guard hissed, smiling. He advanced on
Jack, who smiled back.
"I'm glad you're smiling, brother. People are most beautiful
when they smile. And of course when they're pregnant." Jack began
backing away. "So technically a smiling, pregnant woman would be
the most beautiful type, but...I'm getting off the point. Brother,
wait!" Jack held up his handcuffed wrists, supplicating. "I have
something for you." He reached into his pocket, and took out a
roll of stickers. Hastily, he peeled one off and stuck it on the
The guard paused for a moment, and looked down. The sticker
bore a simple legend: I LOVE YOUR SMILE. Abruptly, the guard felt
an overwhelming wave of kindness and benevolence settle over him.
Slowly, the nightstick slipped from his fingers, and he turned to
his comrades. "Hey, guys, look what he gave me. It says, 'I love
One of the other guards began to smirk...then his expression
changed to one of admiration. "Well...you do have a nice smile,
Luke struggled to his feet and clamped his hands over his
ears. "He's using the Force! Fight it! Fight it!!"
The first guard turned to Luke. "But, Lord...the sticker..."
"You weak-minded fucks!" Gritting his teeth and trying to
fight off the salvos of goodness which were hitting him like
jackhammers, Luke lunged forward, picked up the nightstick, and
swung it with all his might at the first guard's temple, smashing
it and killing him outright. The other guards backed off and ran,
terrified, stopping only to pick up copies of the pamphlets.
Jack called after them. "Peace, brothers! Tell your
Luke stood in front of Jack. Resisting the urge to embrace
him, he brought the nightstick down on the top of his head. Jack
bit his tongue badly, and blood began to spill from his mouth as he
fell. With the good feelings abating somewhat, Luke raised his
stick for the killing blow...
...But was stopped when another arm gripped his. Luke whipped
his head around. Veers was holding him back. "What the fuck?"
"I wouldn't do that just yet, Lord," Veers said. "As you can
see, the Force is strong in him. If he could be turned, he could
be a valuable ally."
"Yeah yeah yeah." Luke struggled to bring the stick down on
Jack's head, but Veers continued to restrain him. "Oh, alright,"
Luke relented, dropping the stick. "But how should we start? I
mean, I've never turned anyone before."
"Well, the best way to turn someone to the dark side is
usually to humiliate him, then tempt him to acts of sex, violence,
etc. It's pretty straightforward."
"Okay, then we'll start with humiliation. Go to the closet
and activate...my little friend."
"With pleasure." Veers descended the stairs and opened a
closet which was set in the left wall.
Luke grabbed Jack, who was barely conscious, and dragged him
in front of the throne. He began undoing his belt and pulling his
pants down. "Okay, boy. It's the first day of un-school. You're
gonna start un-learning all that bullshit."
Jack became conscious of a strange buzzing sound. He focused
his eyes, and saw a horrific-looking spherical droid floating
through the air towards him. Needles, hooks, knives, and dildos of
every conceivable kind sprouted from it at all angles. Its single
orange photoreceptor bore into him.
"Allow me to introduce you to 6UL-DV8," Luke purred, rolling
Jack over onto his stomach. "It took the finest, sickest minds in
the Empire months of planning to create him." Luke smiled as DV8
hooked an anal retractor into Jack's rectum. "Now, my son, let's
discuss the true nature of the Force."
Sitting in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo
blinked at the kaleidoscopic patterns of light which were zipping
past. Psychedelic grids and colors were reflected on his retinas
as the ship rocketed through hyperspace with the entire Rebel fleet
in tow. He grinned angelically at the dazzling lightshow.
General Numb, sitting in the co-pilot's chair, looked over at
Han. "You know, Solo, there are some things I've never quite
understood about hyperspace." Numb glanced out the window, where
a series of diamond-shaped objects appeared to be flying with them,
changing colors periodically. "For example, if we're actually
travelling faster than light, we should reach the Death System
before we even left. And then what's the point of going in the
"I don't know." Han waved his arm. "Do you mind? I'm trying
to concentrate here."
"Of course, that's all very paradoxical. But our lightcone
should be tilted into the past." Numb rubbed his chin.
Han sighed, having lost the hypnotic effect of watching
"On the other hand," Numb hypothesized, "even if we were just
travelling very near the speed of light and not above it, time
dilation would still be a factor. We'd only age a few days, but
the rest of the universe might age hundreds or thousands of years.
Makes you think, doesn't it?"
Han pulled off his gloves and enquired rhetorically. "What
the fuck am I doing?"
"I'd never really thought about it before," Numb said, shocked
by the full weight of the realization. "According to the laws of
spacetime as we understand them, none of this makes any sense."
"I'm actually committed to a cause," Han realized. "That was
supposed to be against my principles. I used to be so carefree,"
he reflected. "Pirating, fucking, eating, sleeping, fucking. That
was fun. Now...shit, the last thing I pirated was a screensaver
for the navicomputer." He turned to Numb. "You know what we
should be doing? We shouldn't be attacking the revenue fleet. We
should be going with them. Imagine how much money they collect
every year. Fuck, man, we could rob them on their way back."
Han's eyes lit up at the prospect. "This attack is hopeless
anyway. We could turn ourselves in, become informants, then work
the job from the inside."
Numb looked at him, shocked. "But you're supposed to be
leading the attack. The rest of the fleet is depending on you for
Han laughed. "If they're that stupid they don't deserve to
win anyway." He turned back to the window. They were now passing
over what appeared to be freaked-out planetary landscapes, each one
a different color--yellow, green, blue, red...
Numb popped a breath mint under his enormous tongue. "Anyway,
as I was saying, there's also the Lorentz contraction to worry
about. Take the example of the pole in the barn. Say there's a 10
meter barn, and a man running near the speed of light carrying an
11 meter pole..."
Han leaned back in his chair, contemplating his future. "I've
actually got a pretty good feeling about this."
Leia sat on an enormous tree stump watching the voluptuous
crew of Shuttle Tydirium unload their supplies. She drank deeply
of the fresh Endorian air as she lit an absurdly phallic cigar.
"Assholes and elbows, ladies, let's move it," she barked at
the bikini-clad hardbodies, each one sweating in the midday
humidity. "What am I watching, a bunch of housewives at a fuckin'
church picnic? Come on, Ford, stop trying to remember what your
feet look like and load up. And Sanches, I see you loitering over
there. Why don't you strap some provisions to your tits? They
"Sir!" General Moore, a painfully stunning blonde,
interrupted. "I'm getting something on the scanner, coming this
"There!" Moore pointed to the north. The entire crew
crouched into a defensive position and waited tensely. About a
hundred feet away, they saw a speeder bike, gliding very slowly
through the trees. There was no visible rider, although the bike
was draped with a soiled cloth which appeared to be covering
something. While the crew watched, it entered their landing area
and bumped to a stop when it hit a tree.
Leia held up her fist and the squad remained motionless.
Drawing her blaster, she advanced carefully on the bike. With one
hand, she reached tentatively for the sheet, then yanked it away.
Strapped tightly to the bike was an absolutely ghastly,
desiccated corpse with long white hair and yellow, rotting teeth.
Its ghost-white skin was covered with sores and boils, and an awful
stench rose from it. Leia covered her nose and took a closer look.
The corpse was nude, apart from an Imperial dog tag around its
neck. Reluctantly, she leaned over and examined the tag. It read:
PFC ERNEST "ERNIE" BARNES. She smirked. "Looks like you got what
you deserved, you Imperial assho..."
Suddenly the corpse's sunken eyes snapped open and it began
coughing and struggling. Leia cried out and jumped back, raising
her blaster. "Fuck! It's still alive!"
The thing finished coughing, looked at Leia, then began
speaking in a fairly normal voice. "Whoa, honey, no need for that.
I'm not goin' anywhere."
Leia felt her stomach turning. "What the hell are you?"
"Private Ernest Barnes. People call me Ernie." Barnes looked
over the assembled squad and whistled appreciatively. "Please tell
me you're a recreational crew."
"Yeah, that's us. What the fuck happened to you?"
"Me and my partner got ambushed by ewoks. They tortured me
for a while, then stripped me and tied me to this bike."
"How long have you been on it?"
"A day or two."
"A day? Look at yourself." Leia pulled out a compact mirror
and held it up to Barnes's face.
Barnes raised what was left of his eyebrows. "Yeah, that's
pretty much what I expected. Your skin gets pretty sensitive when
you're locked in a trooper outfit 24 hours a day for years at a
stretch. So did they send you girls from up there?" Barnes nodded
his head up at the Death Stars.
"Uh...yeah," Leia replied.
"The brass always said we'd get some R&R down here, but I
never believed them. Any of you willing to take a ride with me?"
Leia looked at his shriveled penis and fought off nausea. It
looked like an undercooked Brown 'n Serve sausage. "Uh...I don't
"Aw, come on," Barnes said, beaming grotesquely and showing
his greenish, pus-ridden gums. "I may not look like much now, but
you should see me when I get a head of steam going."
Leia swallowed, tasting bile. "Uh...okay. But we should get
back to base first. Which way to the shield generator?"
"Due south about 5 clicks. It's a big-ass dish, you can't
miss it. There's a rear bunker on the far side of a clearing. You
might want to go in that way, to be more discreet."
Leia smiled. "Thanks, Sparky." She hit the accelerator on
the bike, sending Barnes streaking out of the clearing at 200 miles
an hour. Leia cocked her head, then smiled coldly when she heard
the explosion as the bike hit a tree.
The rest of the squad breathed easier. Leia pulled another
cigar from her pocket and lit it up. "Alright, ladies. These
supplies aren't gonna unload themselves. I wanna see muscles
rippling in those toned thighs. I want silver streaks of sweat
running like rivers of mercury between your glistening tits!"
"Lord," said Veers, listening in on his ear microphone. "I'm
getting another report on that unidentified energy cloud..."
"Will you stop with the fucking energy cloud?" Luke snapped.
"We're near a breakthrough here." 6UL-DV8 had been working Jack
over for several hours, degrading him in ways that simply aren't
printable, even here. The droid hovered in front of Luke, with
Jack slung underneath it, hanging upside down with his hands bound
to his feet. His eyes were half-glazed over, and he dribbled a
continuous stream of saliva and blood from his mouth. He lifted
his head slightly and whispered. "Father...I feel the conflict
within you. Let go...of your hate."
"I tried that once. Gave me diarrhea for six weeks." Luke
sneered and nodded at DV8. "Kink him." DV8 immediately twisted
Jack's erect penis over on itself, creating an awful reddish
blister at the point of maximum tension. "Bet you'll never look at
a garden hose the same way again," Luke commented.
"Lord," Veers tapped Luke's shoulder again. "ComScan reports
that the energy cloud..."
"Can you go one minute without mentioning your hero, the
"But Lord, it's dissipated and moved into orbit around the
"So fucking what?" He turned back to Jack. "Three little
words, asshole--'I hate you.' Just say those words, and I'll let
you take a break." Jack remained silent, and Luke slapped him.
"Jesus! Say something negative, at least. Say 'fuck.' How about
that? 'Fuck.' Just once."
"Ffu...love." Jack lost consciousness.
Outside the rear entrance to the shield generator, two
stormtroopers, Crouse and Morton, smoked cigarettes and bullshat as
they stood watch.
"You hear about Barnes and Wilkes?" Crouse asked.
"They disappeared, right?" Morton took a long drag.
"No, before that. I heard Wilkes came in Barnes's hair."
"No, it was in the middle of the night. Wilkes jacked off
over his bunk. Bender told me." Crouse put out his cigarette.
"What was Bender doing awake?" Morton asked.
"Jacking off while he watched Wilkes."
Morton eyed Crouse warily for a moment. "You've never...done
anything like that to me, have you?"
"Shit, no," Crouse laughed. "Well...if I had, I wouldn't tell
"What do you think happened to Barnes and Wilkes?"
"Who cares? I feel better knowing there's two less crazy
fuckers to worry about. I've been sleeping with a shower cap on."
"I don't blame you." Morton finished his own cigarette, and
lit up another. "Levinson's really paranoid. Ties himself down
every night so he won't sleep on his stomach. Tapes his mouth
shut. It's a fuckin' reign of terror."
"Don't I know it." Crouse shook his head sadly. "What we all
need is a good piece of..." He trailed off as he noticed something
glinting at the far end of the clearing. He pulled out his
binoculars and focused them.
It appeared to be some kind of portable, open-air shower. Two
gorgeous women, one white with short black hair, and the other a
darker-skinned latino, emerged from behind a tree, wearing white
bathrobes. Giggling and pinching each other playfully, they turned
on the shower and tested the water with their hands.
Music began to drift across the clearing--uptempo, fairly
cheesy techno. Morton tugged at Crouse's binoculars. "What were
you gonna say? A piece of what? Pie?"
"Oh, man," Crouse said, his penis rising in anticipation as he
watched the girls slip out of their robes and soap each other up.
"Somebody up there must like us."
Crouse screamed helplessly. General Feratti, her mouth, chin,
and breasts stained with his blood, stood up and spat the end of
his penis into her hand. Then, almost lovingly, she knelt over him
and dropped it into his mouth. "Blow yourself for a while,
pendeho." Meanwhile, General Hamilton was putting the finishing
touches on Morton, twisting his neck until it broke.
Leia stepped out from behind an adjacent tree. "Alright,
girls, good work." She motioned for the squad to fall out. The
troops emerged from behind bushes and trees, each armed and loaded
for bear. When they reached the door to the bunker, Leia surveyed
the lock. "This doesn't look so bad." She was just about to
insert a small hairpin into the lock when she became conscious of
a periodic, low thumping sound. "What's that? The stereo?"
"No," Hamilton replied, drying her hair with a towel. The
squad remained motionless, listening tensely as the sounds grew
"It could be an impact tremor," General Moore posited.
"Oooh, an 'impact tremor,'" Leia cooed mockingly. "Someone
get a chalkboard for Professor Moore. She's gonna teach us all
about science, and math, and 'impact tremors.'"
"I'm just trying to help," Moore muttered.
The booming sounds continued, getting louder and multiplying,
until a phalanx of six two-legged Imperial Walkers stepped into the
clearing, their guns trained on the squad. What looked like an
entire legion of stormtroopers poured in behind them, surrounding
the women. An amplified voice came from a loudspeaker atop the
lead walker. "STOP, REBEL SCUM!"
With only a mild jolt, the Falcon came out of hyperspace along
with the rest of the rebel ships. The Death System loomed large in
front of them, the tax fleet weaving among the stations like an
artificial asteroid belt.
Numb, who had been brooding silently for the past hour,
suddenly spoke up. "Do you realize that at the speed we were
going, a non-lethal deceleration should have taken us months, not
seconds? You realize how much momentum we just had to absorb? The
more you think about it...the less sense all of this makes." Numb
shook his head, staring out the cockpit window at an uncertain
"Leave the philosophy to Joe Campbell, Catfish," Han advised.
"Right now I've got to figure out a way to fuck up this offensive
so we can turn ourselves in to the Imperials."
"If they exist," Numb quipped.
Han flipped on the com and signaled the Rebel ships. "All
wings report in."
"GOLD LEADER STANDING BY."
"RED LEADER STANDING BY."
"BLUE LEADER STANDING BY."
"VELVET LEADER STANDING BY."
"Knock off the chatter, cheesedicks," Han scolded. "Lock
S-foils in attack positions, and lock your cocks on rock. We're
Admiral Ackbar's gravelly voice crackled over the com. "WE'RE
NOT GETTING ANY READING ON THE SHIELD, SOLO."
"Then it's probably down."
"WE'VE GOT TO BE ABLE TO GET SOME KIND OF READING ON THE
SHIELD, UP OR DOWN. THEY MAY BE JAMMING US."
"Yeah, and maybe the dog would've caught the rabbit, if he
hadn't thought to shit."
"Everybody just stay on target." Death Star Prime was now
filling most of the window. They'd be on top of it in moments. At
the last second, Han pulled the Falcon into a steep climb and the
station dropped out of view.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Ackbar asked.
"Nowhere," Solo grinned mischievously. "Don't follow me.
Don't pull up. Repeat, all craft, don't pull up!" He flipped on
a rear view camera, just in time to see about a third of the rebel
fleet crash into the invisible shield. Explosions dotted the
perimeter like fireflies on a buglight.
"BELAY THAT SHIT! ALL CRAFT PULL UP! SOLO!" Ackbar's voice
cracked with rage. "WE JUST LOST 20 FIGHTERS AND THREE FRIGATES--
THE POTPOURRI, THE GODIVA, AND THE MYSTIQUE."
Han shrugged. "My bad."
Luke shivered violently as he thrust his arm in R2D2's face.
The Acnetrex sickness had come out of nowhere, hitting him like a
freight train. "Come on!"
"Patience," R2 warned, prodding him for a suitable vein. He
had jammed the needle in five times already without success.
"Pretty soon I'm gonna need a fuckin' dowser's wand to tease these
"Oh, fuck the sidestreets! Take the highway!" Luke strained
the muscles in his neck, making his arteries stand out, then
lurched forward, impaling his carotid on the needle. The drug
rushed into his brain, nearly knocking him out. He collapsed onto
the floor, pissing on himself.
R2 swiveled his head sadly. "Skywalker, you're gonna give
depraved, street-hustling junkie politicians a bad name."
"Just wait, you transistorized sack 'a shit," Luke hissed.
"One of these days, my doctors'll figure out what's in this stuff."
"Maybe," R2 replied, rolling towards the turbolift. "But 'til
then, I'm your doctor, your priest, and your lover. I'm your main
connection. Your tower of power. You may walk the sky, but I fuck
the stars. I am the keymaster and the gatekeeper. The alpha and
the omega. I'm when ass first met hole, when blue met balls, when
peanut butter met chocolate. I am the Maker and the Unmaker. I AM
THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!" His metallic laughter echoed off the Throne
Room walls as he disappeared from view.
Veers, who had been on a coffee break, burst out of the
turbolift just as R2 got in. He ran across the Throne room.
"Lord! The rebel fleet is attacking!"
"So?" Luke shot back, rubbing his neck.
Veers stopped in front of the throne, panting, then shrugged
sheepishly. "So...nothing. How's it going up here?"
"DV8's had it." Luke motioned to the sex droid, which was
lying inert on the floor, feebly attempting to revive its power
"I thought that thing could fuck for years at a stretch."
"Shit no," Luke said, pulling himself to his feet. "Fourth
law of robotics--Never build a droid that's a better lay than you.
And this kid," Luke kicked Jack, who was lying on the floor next to
DV8. "There's not a dark thought in his head. I could work on him
for years, and not be able to get him to chew with his mouth open."
"So are we fucked?"
"Maybe. But I've got one more plan." Luke hit the com button
on his throne and spoke into it. "This is Skywalker. Have the
biotech lab send up our little science project." He then leaned
over Jack and began slapping him. "Wake up, fuckhead." He hauled
him to his feet, then put his deactivated lightsaber in his hand.
"A Jedi's weapon." Then he took Veers aside. "Okay, now I'm gonna
try to get him to attack me. He probably won't, but if he
does...you've got my back, right?"
"Your back?" Veers was puzzled.
"You know...you're uh...willing to make sacrifices, yes?"
"What kind of sacrifices?"
"I mean you'll lean in and take one for the team if the need
"What are you scared of? What about the prophecy?"
"Yeah, yeah, the prophecy's great. We all love the prophecy."
Luke leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Look, I'm not stupid.
I know there's gotta be a loophole in that thing somewhere, so I'm
not taking any chances. Will you do it?"
"You fuckin' asshole. Alright, alright...if he looks like
he's gonna make a move, just kick him in the nuts." Luke pulled
off his robe and began stroking his mechanical organ, making it
erect. He turned to Jack. "Hey, asshead. You know, I've fucked
men, women, and children. I've fucked everything that walks or
crawls at one time or another. Hell, I've whipped it out in Anoat,
hyper-jumped to Derra IV, and fucked the whole galaxy along the
way. But I think the best snatch I ever had belonged to your
As if on cue, a young woman emerged from the turbolift,
wearing a white robe. Jack gaped at her--she was the spitting
image of his mother, at around age 20. She had a strangely cold
expression on her face as she approached the throne, stopping in
front of them, hands on hips.
"M...mother?" Jack whispered.
"Not quite," Luke answered. "I'd like you to meet the future
of sexual stereotype reinforcement--Leia 209. A perfect copy of
your mom in every way." Luke patted her on the ass.
"Me want cock," the clone declared in flat, emotionless,
perfectly broken English. She threw her robe off her shoulders,
lay down on the floor, and pulled the lips of her vagina open.
"Put hard cock here."
"Like I said, a perfect copy." Pulling a small butt plug from
his pocket, Luke laid it on the floor and sat down on it, driving
it slowly into his rectum. He then lay over the clone and obliged
her, driving his penis in to the hilt and drawing it out languidly.
"My mother doesn't talk that way," Jack murmured, already
sweating uncomfortably before this primal scene.
"Yes she does. I have an excellent memory, and that's exactly
how she talks. What do you expect from a whore? Hell, she'd rim
a dead nashtah for a game token."
"Man right. Me whore," Leia 209 affirmed.
Jack's eyes narrowed slightly. "You're lashing out, father.
Accept Ashla into your heart."
"Blah blah blah," Luke snorted, biting his lip as he thrust
himself in and out of the clone. "Okay. I'm already tired of the
playground. Let's see what's going on at the dump." He pulled his
penis free of her, then rolled her over and jammed it into her
"Hard cock ass!" Leia blurted out.
"I know what you mean, baby," Luke commented, turning to Jack.
"What say we make this family reunion official? You got a recipe
for an 'Organa sandwich' in that pamphlet?"
Jack was silent, his eyes narrowing further. He began
stroking the lightsaber nervously and talking to himself. "She is
our heart. She is our heart. She is our heart..."
Luke had settled into a relaxed stroke, very nearly enjoying
the sex despite the total lack of participation on the part of Leia
209, who was as motionless as a corpse. Finding himself on the
verge of orgasm, he abruptly pulled himself out. The clone
immediately turned around, opened her mouth, and caught his semen
on her tongue, like a trained seal catching a fish. Without
spilling a drop, she closed her mouth, stood up, and walked over to
Jack drew back away from her, still praying to Ashla. "She
will not abandon you, she will not abandon you, she will not..."
Leia 209 puffed her cheeks out like a fish, then blew her nose
sharply, sending two conical sprays of jissom into Jack's face.
Jack began crying, eyes tightly shut.
"Cum yum," Leia 209 said, licking her upper lip.
Luke shook his head. "Man, even I've got to admit that was in
bad taste. Say, you look a little pissed there, Jackoff.
And...isn't that a lightsaber in your hand? Here, I'll show you
how it's done." Luke approached, took the saber from Jack, and
ignited it. "Leia, dear?"
"Yes, I know. It's time for you to go now."
"Cock?" she said plaintively.
Luke brought the saber down on her shoulder, cutting her torso
in half diagonally. Both halves splashed to the floor, twitching.
"There," Luke said, handing the saber back to Jack. "It's as
easy as that. Come on, I can feel your anger. I'm defenseless.
Strike me down, you little asshole, and then maybe we can break for
"Nn...no." Still crying, Jack began to raise the lightsaber.
"That's it, boy." Luke egged him on. "One of us...one of
us...one of us..."
Jack raised the saber handle higher, his face streaked with
tears. The saber emitted a metallic scream as it ignited. "I
can't believe she did that! That was so incredibly gross!" he
Luke's eyes widened. "Uh...Veers!"
At the last second, Jack threw the light saber aside. "Never!
I'll never tu..." His declaration was interrupted by an anguished
Luke whipped his head around just in time to see Veers fall,
both of his legs cut off by the hurled saber. His torso collapsed
to the deck, steaming blood pouring from his leg stumps like water
from twin fountains. His head hit the floor with a loud thump, and
he gazed up at the ceiling. "Oh...shit."
"You're a good man, Veers," Luke called out.
"Oh yeah," he croaked back sarcastically. "Like this was
intentional on my part."
Jack was horrified. "I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry!" Luke grunted as he pulled his cock free of
the girl and clambered to his feet. "You're finally a killer!"
"But...he's still alive, father."
"Well, it's practically a lock. You've taken your first step
into a larger world."
"No. I'll never turn. I'll never be a killer."
"Do you realize what a good killer can make these days?"
"They don't advertise for killers in the newspaper, father."
Luke blinked. "What paper have you been reading?" He looked
around, then picked a late edition of the Whills Daily Journal off
the arm of his throne. As he straightened his back, he winced,
remembering the butt-plug. He reached around, pulled it out with
an audible pop, then stuck the end of it in Jack's mouth like an
oversized pacifier. He flipped to the employment section.
"The Assassin's Guild has to be discreet, of course. They
usually list positions under 'Disposal Services,' or 'Human
Resources.' Here, I found one." He began reading. "'Prestigious
Consulting Firm seeks aggressive self-starter to manage eliminative
engineering services. Immediate position for a problem-solver who
doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. Some travel. Terrific
growth potential in high-risk environment.'" He handed Jack the
paper. "What more do you need? A fuckin' Venn diagram?"
Commander Sawyer, head of security for the shield generator,
surveyed the captured rebel strike force from atop his two-legged
walker. "Well, well, well." The gorgeous prisoners were lined up
topless with their hands on their heads. Sawyer stroked his groin
as his walker pranced slowly down the line, stopping in front of
Leia. Carefully, he lifted one of the walker's legs, placing the
foot under Leia's chin and pushing it up until she was facing him.
He surveyed her breasts appreciatively, noticing that her nipples
were soft and smooth. "Well, granny, I'm erect. Why aren't you?"
Leia's eyes radiated contempt. "I didn't want to embarrass
you with comparisons."
"Oh, that's rich. I have a question about Private Crouse's
"What about it?" Leia snapped.
"It, uh...wasn't where I last saw it."
"Under your nose?"
Sawyer noticed General Feratti, whose chest, belly, and mouth
were still covered with blood. "Hell of a nosebleed you've got
there, senorita. Or were you menstruating upside-down?"
"I cut my lip," Feratti shot back.
"On what? A kidney stone?" Sawyer smirked and addressed his
troops. "Okay, men, don't bother pinching yourself, this is real--
we've captured a rebel strike force comprised entirely of beautiful
models. Imperial rules of engagement are very specific on this
point--Provision 326.77, paragraph 604, actually requires us, by
law, to rape the living shit out of them."
"Is that true?" Hamilton whispered.
"Yes," General Moore replied. "Skywalker wrote it into law
after the Imperial base on Ralltiir was overrun by stripper
Leia sighed. "We all know you can read, Moore. Now shut the
fuck up. I've gotta think of a way out of this."
Sawyer continued speaking to his men. "Now I don't want any
sob stories about how you've recently discovered you prefer the
company of your fellow men. You can fuck each other in your off
hours. But this is your duty, and I'll goddamn-well court-martial
anyone who doesn't carry it out. So pick a partner and get to it."
The stormtroopers began advancing on the women (some more
eagerly than others), breathing heavily through their masks and
fiddling with their codpieces. But before any of them could so
much as grab a breast, a sound rang out over the clearing--horn
calls. They echoed from the treetops, seemingly from all
directions. The troopers raised their weapons and scanned the
surrounding woods, spooked like a herd of horses.
"Be calm," Sawyer exhorted. "We're stormtroopers now.
Nothing to worry about. Just a few teddy bears making noise."
One trooper shouted, terrified: "THEY'LL KILL US ALL!!"
Sawyer yelled back, getting nervous himself. "Oh, now that's
defeatist! Fuck that!"
Ewoks began popping up everywhere--behind bushes, in trees,
out of ditches. They watched the cornered troops silently with
their oversized, rather adorable eyes, holding their spears and
bows. The troopers collected themselves into a tight knot, their
heads darting in all directions. Even the walkers began
Sawyer forced a laugh. "Ha! Look at them, men. They're so
cute! Are they gonna...cute us to death? Huh? And look at their
crude, stone-age weapons." Some of the troops started relaxing a
bit, and Sawyer pitched his voice more dramatically. "Spears!?
Bows!? We've got blasters and armor. Do you actually think they
can defeat our superior technology purely through ingenuity, pluck,
and courage? Hah! What movies have you been watching?!"
"You fool," Moore shook her head. "You fool..."
At that moment, the ewoks cast their spears aside and
uncovered their backup weapons--supercharged laser cannons which
they had hidden in the bushes. With terrifying speed they
assembled tripods, locked the guns down, and fed in cartridges.
"Oh, SHIT!!" Leia shouted, dropping to the ground just as a
devastating hail of laser fire pounded the clearing. Rapid-fire
bolts crisscrossed everywhere, cutting virtually every living thing
to ribbons. The entire area began exploding as the walkers
stumbled around awkwardly, returning fire randomly and killing more
of their own troops in the process.
Leia watched helplessly as most of her strike force was blown
to pieces--their beautiful bodies being rendered messily down to
their constituent parts. Breasts, arms, legs, and heads began
falling everywhere amidst a rain of hot blood. And the
stormtroopers were faring no better. Most of their ranks were
decimated as well, as the cascade of laser energy blasted their
armor to smithereens.
Then, as quickly as it had started, the barrage stopped. Only
a few rebels and stormtroopers were still alive, and most of them
wounded. Two of the walkers had been destroyed, but the remaining
four were still firing back hopelessly, most of their shots just
blasting the bark off trees. The ewoks quickly disassembled their
weapons and disappeared from sight.
Leia peeked up. "It's over."
"Hardly," Moore croaked back, lying about ten feet away. One
of her breasts had nearly been burned off by a stray shot. "The
drones are finished. Now the warriors move in."
"Are you researching an encyclo...?" Leia was interrupted by
another horn call. She looked at the trees, her eyes widening as
she saw what Moore was talking about--enormous, hulking creatures
began emerging, most of them 8 feet tall or more. They
superficially resembled their smaller cousins, but seemed more akin
to Wampas, with awful, gnarled horns emerging from the sides of
their drooling mouths. The terrifying beasts stomped their way
into the clearing and began grabbing survivors, literally ripping
them limb from limb, their awful howls drowning out the screams of
the dying. "Holy shit," Leia exclaimed, whereupon she lay back
down, playing dead.
From within his walker, Sawyer screamed as several warriors
began climbing up the legs, trying to knock it down. Pushing the
throttle, he tried to make a break from the clearing, but the extra
weight was too much for the engine. The walker limped pitifully
under the load, then crashed to the ground.
Sawyer was thrown up against the side of the cabin, dazed. He
grabbed his blaster and cocked it, preparing himself. With an
awful tearing of metal, the top hatch was literally ripped off. He
cowered in terror as an enormous warrior, blood dripping from its
jaws, stuck its head inside and roared at him.
"Smile, you sonofabitch!" Sawyer screamed as he emptied his
blaster into its mouth, seemingly to no effect. The warrior merely
coughed, then slowly inhaled. Sawyer's ears popped as air was
sucked out of the cabin and into the creatures huge lungs. Then,
when its chest had expanded to maximum capacity, it exhaled a
torrent of fire, consuming the cabin in a mini-inferno. Sawyer
screamed as his eyes melted in their sockets.
Outside, Leia watched the conflagration out of the corner of
her eye. The rest of the walkers had now been similarly destroyed,
and all the humans were dead, including Moore, who had been crushed
under one of the falling vehicles. The warriors stepped among the
bodies, nudging them. When they were satisfied their work was
done, they bounded out of the clearing as quickly as they had come.
Leia breathed a sigh of relief. "What's next? Locusts?"
Four smaller ewoks scurried into the clearing, carrying what
looked like an enormous, long-barrelled propane torch. With
practiced motions, they set the torch down in front of the door to
the shield generator, then began putting on pairs of gloves and
protective goggles. Three of them then lifted the torch up to the
door, while the fourth lit the end of it with a blaster shot. The
torch ignited and its white-hot beam began cutting through the
thick metal of the door. "Damn," Leia shook her head in amazement.
"This crew is good."
In two minutes, they had cut a large, smoking hole, whereupon
one of them lifted a horn and blew on it. Another assembly of
ewoks emerged from the woods. In their midst was a hooded figure,
clad in a luxurious fur robe. They formed a shield around him as
he slowly ambled to the door and stepped through the hole.
When the last ewok had gone inside, the area was deserted.
Leia slowly got to her feet. Wasting no time, she began cautiously
walking out of the clearing. When she had nearly reached the
trees, she felt something prod her leg. She spun around.
A tiny ewok was standing behind her, brandishing his spear.
"Cut it out," she hissed. "I was just leaving."
"Saki ni omaeno kichouna chitsu no bunmitsu wo subete
chuushutsu shite shimau," the furry critter growled back.
"If you're saying my coming here was a bad idea, I totally
fucking agree with you," Leia said, holding up her hands. "So I'll
just be Audi 5000, and you little guys can...shoot missiles out of
your assholes, or whatever else you do." She turned around and
The ewok bounded forward, raised its spear like a bat, and
threw all its weight behind it, whacking Leia on the skull. She
collapsed to the ground, unconscious.
"CLOSER?!" Ackbar cried incredulously over the Falcon's com.
"Do I stutter, fishy?" Han shot back. "Yes, closer. Get as
close as you can, and engage those Star Destroyers at point blank
"IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, SOLO, I'D THINK YOU WANT US TO LOSE
"Look, Ackbar, I'm just as committed to...whatever it is
you're committed to as you are. Just stay outta my way." Han
closed the channel and laughed. "What a dumb-ass."
Numb entered the cockpit slowly, wearing a bath towel which he
had formed into a toga. His bare feet left slimy footprints on the
deckplates. He spoke serenely. "Has the sleeper awakened, Solo?"
Solo did a double-take. "What are you on?"
"I'm giddy with nausea. I'm high on no-thing."
"Well stay out of my stash. Sit your ass down and boost power
to the lateral deflector."
Numb sat down and put his feet up on the console. "I was
playing holo-chess. The computer's rook had just raped my queen,
and my king was pinned down. In frustration I tried to sweep the
pieces off the table, and my hand went right through them. Then I
realized--we are those chesspieces. We are all little holograms.
But we are also hollow-grams. You know, 'hollow'-grams. Spelled
"Yeah, yeah. Deep."
"We are transparent pawns sacrificed for a goal we don't
understand. There is only one rule--we must lose."
Just then Ackbar came over the speakers again. "SOLO?"
Han reluctantly responded. "Are you lonely or something?"
"WE'RE GETTING A READING ON THE SHIELD NOW. BUT THE WAVEFORM
RESEMBLES A TRACTOR BEAM MORE THAN A REPULSION FIELD. THOSE GIRLS
WERE SUPPOSED TO DEACTIVATE THE SHIELD, NOT MODIFY IT."
Han shrugged. "Women, right? What did you expect?"
"This is gonna hurt like a sonofabitch." Luke ignited his
lightsaber and pressed the tip to the severed ends of Veers's legs,
cauterizing them and stopping the bleeding. Veers howled in agony
as the smell of cooked flesh and blood filled the room. Luke held
his arm to his nose. "Goddamn! That is pungent!"
Jack, lying against the throne with the newspaper spread out
before him, wept pitifully as he watched. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry."
"He knows you're sorry!" Luke shouted back. "Now shut up.
Take a little pride in your accomplishments."
A ComScan technician abruptly burst out of the turbolift and
ran across the room. "Emperor! Emperor!" He came to a stop in
front of Luke, breathless. "Emperor!"
"The unidentified energy cloud has sent a message. It calls
itself 'V'der,' and it demands..."
Luke held up his hand. "Not another fuckin' word about that
thing. I don't give a shit if it demands a pepperoni pizza."
The technician swallowed nervously. "As you wish, Lord.
Uh...also we've lost contact with the shield crew on Endor.
Someone must have infiltrated the complex and modified the
generator--it's now emitting a tractor beam instead of a shield."
"The Endor moon is being pulled toward us!"
Luke's eyes widened in horror. "Liar and slave!"
"I may be a slave, but you can kill me if I'm lying." The
technician stood firm, trembling slightly.
"Of course I can kill you if you're lying!" Luke roared. "I
can kill you if you're telling the truth!" He turned and looked
out the observation window. With the lights of the battle
twinkling all around it, the forest moon already appeared to be
growing slightly larger. He pounded the window in rage. "I'm the
Emperor, for fuck's sake! I could kill you for snoring too loud.
Or not loud enough! I could..." He spun around, only to find that
the technician had already hauled ass and disappeared into the
turbolift. Luke plopped down in his throne, disappointed. "Aw,
shit. He wasn't supposed to do that. Veers, can he do that?"
"I'll take care of him later, Lord," Veers replied, propping
himself up on his elbows. "So now what do we do? We can't knock
out the shield generator from up here."
"Yeah, well...so what? So what if part of the prophecy is
kicking in? I'm not fucked yet." Luke tapped his fingers on the
arm of the throne, thinking, then hit the com button. "ComScan!"
A voice came back through the speaker. "YES, LORD."
"Get word to all the other Death Star commanders. Tell them
I want them to move their stations in between Endor and Death Star
Prime. Like a row of billiard balls. Got that?"
"BUT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO PROVIDE COVER FOR THE FLEET."
"They're providing cover for my ass, shitbird." Luke stood
up, feeling rejuvenated. "Fuck it." He walked over to the plaque
and ignited his saber.
WHEN THINGS GET YOU DOWN, REMEMBER...
SKYWALKER SHALL NEVER VANQUISHED BE
UNTIL GREAT ENDOR WOOD TO THE HIGH DEATH STAR
SHALL COME AGAINST HIM.
AND ON TOP OF THAT...
NONE OF WOMAN BORN SHALL HARM YOU.
SO CHEER UP!
With the glowing tip of the saber, he carefully scratched out
lines two through five, then snapped the saber off and turned to
Veers. "Emperor Palpatine once said, 'Once you've eliminated
everyone who can't eliminate you, then whoever is left should be
eliminated.' So let's get to it." He whistled, getting everyone's
attention. "Who here wasn't born of woman?"
The eunuchs were puzzled. One stepped forward. "What do you
"It's vague, but it's all we've got. Any kind of abnormal
process--test tube baby, in vitro fertilization, etc."
Another eunuch came forward, excited at being singled out. "I
was fertilized normally, then carried to term by a Kamarian social
"Excellent." Luke turned his saber back on, then gently
flicked it under the eunuch's chin, opening a gaping hole in his
throat. The eunuch collapsed, meekly trying to catch the blood
flowing from his neck and swallow it again.
"Anyone else?" The rest were silent as Luke looked them over.
"Are you sure? No analogy is too stretched." Despite his
reassurances, no one else spoke. He sighed and walked over to
Veers. "Guess I should have gotten them to come forward first,
then killed them all at once."
Veers shrugged. "We'll know next time."
Suddenly, a white-hot cloud of light appeared in the middle of
the throne room, blinding everyone. Crackling with energy, it
began moving around the room, emitting a deafening buzz.
"Aagh!" Luke covered his eyes. "Veers, what the hell is
"Don't know," Veers shouted back, "But I bet my left nut it
has something to do with that mysterious energy cloud."
"I may hold you to that. What do we do?"
"Just ignore it. Maybe it'll go away."
After a few moments the light faded, revealing a somewhat
spruced-up, but still unmistakably personage in its place. His
familiar black armor was now a brilliant chrome color, and his
mechanical limbs were significantly bulkier, having apparently
received some kind of upgrade. His cold, rhythmic breathing cycle
was the only sound in the room as he straightened his cape and
drank a large soda, which he sucked calmly from a straw poking
through his facemask.
Luke sighed. "Somebody fuckin' beam me up."
The unexpected guest finished his soda and threw it aside.
"You boys shouldn't play so rough," he declared in sepulchral
tones. "Somebody's gonna start cryin.'"
Jack looked at a burnished nameplate which adorned the
figure's chest. "V'der?" he said.
V'der looked down at the plate, and wiped off a small gob of
ketchup which obscured the letter 'A.' "Not quite."
Leia regained consciousness just in time to hear the roar of
the shuttle Tydirium's jets as it rose into the sky. Feeling a
rather awful pain in her back, she found herself slung underneath
a pole like slaughtered livestock, carried by a group of several
ewoks. She struggled vainly with her bonds as she watched the
shuttle disappear into the ionosphere, under the control of an
After 10 minutes of painful trekking through the woods, the
procession came to an underground opening, in between the enormous
roots of an ancient redwood. As she was carried into the darkness,
she addressed her furry conveyors. "I don't know if you can
understand me, but...my family is loaded. Any denomination you
want--credits, dollars, yen, rupees, ducats, pine cones, bits of
One ewok laughed. "Kanojowa oretachiga arayuru katachino
tsuuka wo haishi shite shimatta koto wo shiranainoda."
"Mata, ware ware no kouto ni hattatsu shita shakai ga onna
kara chuushutsu shita chitsu no bunmitsu wo nougyoyou ni tsukatte
ugoite iru kotoga wakatte inai," another pointed out.
"Ware ware no soushiki no utsukushisa wa sorega tan ni
jitsuryoku teki de aru dake denaku, erochikku desae aru ten da!"
the first ewok affirmed. The entire procession laughed heartily as
they entered an enormous underground chamber.
Leia gaped in astonishment--lining the walls were thousands of
honeycomb-like compartments, which appeared to be constructed of
feces. Hundreds of worker ewoks scuttled all over the
compartments, shitting out additional building material and shaping
it with stone trowels. The unfinished compartments were empty, but
others, most of them closer to the ground, were walled up with some
kind of translucent material.
Leia's pole was set on two support beams, and she was left
hanging alone. "Now what?" she sighed.
"Who's there? Who's there?" a voice cried feebly. It was
coming from a nearby compartment. Leia could barely make out what
looked like a half-digested humanoid, wrapped up in a pink-cocoon,
lying inside. "Kill me!" the thing moaned. "Kill me!"
"I'm tied up."
"Kill me anyway, you fuckin' bitch!"
"Don't curse, Monroe," another voice called out from an
"Fuck you, Johnson!" Monroe shot back. "I just asked her if
she'd kill me."
"Well, I want someone to kill me too, but you don't see me
using that kind of language."
"Who made you the guru of Assisted Suicide Etiquette?"
"Listen, you assholes," a third compartment broke in. "If my
arms hadn't been digested, I'd kill both of you myself."
"Oh, look at Matheson, talkin' big," Monroe shot back
sarcastically. "He's a killer, he's a bad motherfucker."
"Fuck you, Monroe!"
Leia interrupted. "Who the hell are you people?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, with the way my colleagues are
acting," Johnson replied, "but we used to be Imperial
stormtroopers. My name is Johnson. And who might you be?"
"Listen, you festering cunt sore," Monroe broke in. "All I
wanna know is--can you kill me?"
"Are you sure there's no chance you can kill me, you scrotum-
snarfing, snowball-spitting whore?"
"Good Lord, Monroe, be civil!" Johnson yelled.
Leia sighed. "No, there's no chance."
"Are you absolutely sure, you rug-munching, piss-drinking,
fuckin' diarrhea-slurping cunt?" Monroe continued.
"I told you, I'm tied up. You can stop insulting me."
"You call that an insult? Ha!" Monroe laughed. "I have not
yet begun to imprecate, you rag-dragging, pus-lubing, queef-sniffing
hunk of twat cheese!"
An awful rumbling began in the cavern, shaking the walls.
Leia looked around nervously. She began struggling with her bonds,
goading herself on as the rumbling grew. "Come on, Organa. You're
smart, think of something."
Out of the darkness, an enormous, hulking form emerged--the
ewok queen, looking like a cross between a duckbill platypus and a
giant locust. Unable to move itself, dozens of drone ewoks
scurried over it, rolling it toward Leia. The queen inadvertently
crushed many of them as she rolled, leaving a wide pulp of mangled
bodies behind her vast, distended egg sac (which resembled a condom
filled with peeled grapes). Leia swallowed and stepped up work on
freeing herself. "Okay, okay, work the problem."
"Give it up, you hair-chewing house of crabs," Monroe advised.
"I'd give anything to change places with you. Try LIVING here."
The monstrous queen rolled to a stop in front of Leia, an
awful smell wafting from its glistening mandibles. It reached out
with one long, insect-like arm and began stroking Leia's hair
tenderly. "My child," it croaked in a strangely human voice.
"You speak English?" Leia asked rhetorically.
"Enough to get by. Before the inevitable, I always grant the
chosen one a few moments to make a request."
"Anything except, 'Let me go,' 'Cut me loose,' 'Don't kill
Leia slowly gave up struggling. Realizing the end was near,
she sighed resignedly. "Okay, then. I have a question--are there
any good ones left?"
The queen's jaws scrunched up into what might be called a
smile. "Yes, there are. But they're not your type."
"That's what I figured," Leia lamented.
"I wish I could say you'll meet Mr. Right someday, but..."
The queen shrugged apologetically.
"Forget it," Leia replied. "So...this is it, huh?"
"This is it."
"I only have one regret," Leia reflected. "I've never told
anyone this, but my whole life, I've only ever really loved one
person. And that person's name was..."
Before she could finish, the queen was suddenly overcome with
appetite. "TIME'S UP!!" She grabbed Leia with three of her arms
and pulled her up to her mouth. "PUSSY GOOD!!" she roared as she
ripped Leia in half, throwing the upper torso to the floor and
sticking the lower torso in her mouth. Leia found the world
spinning around her as she fell, landing with a great thud. As her
vision dimmed, the last thing she saw was the queen sucking on her
lower half, shriveling it up like a Flavor-Ice tube.
"She was a lamp that burned too brilliantly," Johnson
spontaneously eulogized. "A flower which bloomed prematurely in a
mid-winter thaw, only to be buried in snow."
"God, I fucking wish you were dead, Johnson," Monroe moaned.
"Thank you, Monroe. I wish you were dead too."
Luke was just about to make a sarcastic, off-color comment
when he suddenly felt a shooting pain in his temples. He backed up
against a wall, rubbing his forehead. "Whoa. Force headache.
God, I hate these."
Vader smiled patronizingly. "A great disturbance in the
Force? As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were
"No," Luke replied, slowly coming out of it. "More like a
medium-sized disturbance, as if my sister was just ripped in half
by some kind of pussy-eating cockroach."
"MOTHER!!" Jack screamed in anguish. "WILL THEY TRY TO BREAK
Luke shook the headache off and looked over his father's
refurbished body. "So let's get down to the exposition here. What
the fuck happened to you? I thought your dick was in the paint
when I blew you out that airlock over 20 years ago."
"You think that was the first time I've been exposed to the
pitiless vacuum of outer space?" Vader laughed. "I floated
between the stars for years, living entirely on a diet of comet
tails and astrobacteria. And let me tell you, that's no picnic.
You realize how long it takes to collect a mouthful of
astrobacteria? I had no one but myself for company. I had to be
my own cook, friend, confidant, priest, and lover." Vader paused,
reflecting. "In a situation like that, you have to play little
mind games to keep from going crazy--like seeing how many different
suggestive constellations you can make with a fixed number of
stars, then trying to break that record. Eventually I was picked
up by a race of superintelligent living machines. They refurbished
me and built me a nice mysterious energy cloud so I could come back
"So they thought you were a machine too?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, I didn't have the heart to tell them. So that's what
I've been doing for the past couple decades. Is everybody up to
Luke and Jack nodded affirmatively.
Vader nodded back. "Good. And now there's the little matter
of my bloody vengeance." Vader began advancing on Luke.
Jack stepped forward, wiping his tears away. "Father, who is
"Your grandpa," Luke said, backing away. "On both sides."
The three generations of Skywalkers formed a triangle, eyeing each
Vader looked Jack over, shaking his head. "You should've worn
a prophylactic, Luke."
"Look who's talking," Luke shot back. "I don't seem to
remember you taking home the gold in Olympic Freestyle Parenting."
Vader sighed. "Do you think you'd have actually been better
off in a two-parent household? Sure, you may be compulsive and
dangerously neurotic, with a thousand unresolved complexes and
repressed developmental crises, but look how far all that emotional
pain has driven you. If you had never been alienated from me,
you'd probably still be back on that dustball, Twatooine or
whatever, collecting water. Now there's a glamorous job to talk
about at parties. 'Hi, I'm a pro-consul with the Imperial Senate.
I work with dignitaries and royalty. What do you do?' 'Me? I'm
the Water Guy. I work with water mostly.' Gimme a fuckin' break."
Vader hit a button on his chest panel, and his codpiece sprang
open. An absolutely horrendous-looking dildo emerged--17 inches
long, covered with razor-sharp hooks and cutting surfaces which
resembled cheese graters. "Behold," Vader declared majestically.
"A new and improved definition of pain and suffering, taking
advantage of all the latest irresponsible developments in alien
Luke shrugged. "I've seen worse."
"Looks can be deceiving, son. This isn't your average deadly
dildo. It's not limited to our three dimensions of spacetime.
This thing can fuck you in the fourth dimension as well."
Luke was puzzled. "Which means what, exactly?"
"It'll ream your asshole at all arbitrary points in space and
time, into the infinite past and future."
Jack addressed Vader. "Grandfather, I know you're a powerful
man, and I respect you, but you shouldn't be doing this."
"Well you're a fuckin' inbred fruitbasket, and I don't respect
you at all," Vader shot back. "So mind your fuckin' business."
Luke was still contemplating the dildo. "I'm not following
this. If it could fuck me in the past, wouldn't I be feeling it
Jack screamed. "GRANDPA, STOP POINTIN' THAT FUCKIN' DICK AT
Just as Vader leapt forward, Jack ignited Luke's lightsaber,
which he had picked up a few moments before, and brought it down on
the dildo, shearing it off with a huge shower of sparks. Vader
fell to the floor in front of Luke, screaming, while Jack collapsed
to his knees.
Luke looked at the smoking metal stump which used to be his
father's sexual outlet. He was reminded of his own mechanical
proboscis, which replaced the real organ his father had cut off of
him so many years ago. The irony made him laugh. "Man, this is
either really symbolic, or just fucked up." He looked at Jack and
warned him. "You better hold on to your prick with both hands,
junior. This is becoming a family tradition."
Vader suddenly grabbed Jack's nuts and squeezed them
viciously. "You little sonofabitch! You realize how much I had to
practice on a simulator to learn to use this thing! Ever
calibrated a joystick in four dimensions?!!"
Mustering all his strength, Jack reached up, grabbed the edges
of Vader's helmet, and ripped it off. Vader blinked, his face
revealed for the first time. "No! Don't look upon my ugliness!"
Luke examined his father's features for the first time--apart
from a small patch of scar tissue on his left cheek, Vader looked
pretty good. Even rather dashing, with a long mane of graying hair
flowing around his strikingly pale face and electric blue eyes.
"Damn, Dad, you're a knockout."
"Are you trying to be funny?" Vader yelled. "Excuse me, I
didn't realize contemporary beauty standards were liberal enough to
include those who've had their faces burned off by molten lava!"
"But your face wasn't burned off." Luke picked up his
father's helmet and held it in front of him, allowing him to see
his reflection in the chrome.
Vader was incredulous. "But...but...the doctors told me I was
"They never gave you a mirror to look at?"
"No. As soon as the bandages came off they put me in the
Membrex 14 Fallen Angel Body Enhancement Suit."
"Yeah, well I hear those suits never sold very well. They
were probably just trying to clear out the stock."
Vader was enraged. "THOSE CHISELING COCKSUCKERS!!" He
squeezed Jack's scrotum tighter. "GODDAMN THEM!! GODDAMN THEM ALL
TO HELL!!" He was still blinking, his eyes unaccustomed to the
light. "WILL SOMEONE TURN OUT THE FUCKING LIGHTS!!"
Luke leaned over Jack, who was still wincing in pain. "You
heard your grandpa, Jack-O. Turn out the lights."
With a primal cry of rage, Jack took Vader's head in his hands
and pressed his thumbs into his eyes. Vader screamed. Blood began
to pour out over Jack's hands. He pressed harder and harder until
his thumbs had sunk all the way in, then he wiggled and twisted
them. Vader's hands slipped from Jack's groin.
Luke suddenly got another Force headache as his father
expired. He shook his head and rubbed it, annoyed. "Yeah, yeah,
I know. I'm standing right here, for Christ's sake."
Jack pulled at the sides of Vader's skull until finally it
flew apart, cracking his handsome but bloody face down the middle
like a coconut. He grabbed what was left of the brain, ripped it
from the spinal cord, and threw it against a wall. Luke was
astonished at this grotesque display. "Holy shit!"
"I told you he had potential," Veers shouted out from across
the room. "Together, you can rule the galaxy as father and son."
Tears streamed down Jack's face as he stood up. "I've lost
everything I believe in--my philosophy of non-violence, my sense of
decency, my mother, and all feeling in my testicles. I even said
'fuck.' I'm not a Jedi."
"Hey, fuck that!" Luke scolded, punching Jack in the shoulder.
"Of course you're a Jedi. You just killed Darth-fucking-Vader! I
think it's safe to say we can skip the written part of the test!"
"No, father. I am...nothing."
"Are you kidding me?" Luke stumbled over his words, excited.
"That part, you know...where you just took..." He imitated Jack's
killing technique with his hands. "...and ripped his fuckin'...and
threw the brain...Splat! I've never seen anything like that! If
I killed somebody like that my dick would be hard for a month."
"I can't join you, father. I must atone for my sins. I must
learn to love again, to follow the petals of the lightflower."
"Oh..." Luke whined, frustrated. "Shit!"
Han watched the scene in disbelief--Nine Death Stars arranged
in a row directly between Death Star Prime and the inexorably
approaching forest moon. DS9 began to flare brilliantly as it
slipped into the moon's atmosphere. Han shook his head. "Luke
must still be calling the shots from somewhere."
Abruptly, a series of voices sounded over conference channel
14--the official rebel boasting channel:
"WHEEOOO!! THIS IS BETTER'N A HOG-KILLIN!!"
"I FART ION CANNON SHOTS!! I SHIT PROTON TORPEDOES!! MY
ASSHOLE SHOULD BE ON THE COVER OF VOGUE!!"
Han laughed. "They're posturing like a bunch of faggot
bodybuilders. You'd think they were winning or something."
"IT'S GONNA BLOW!! THIS STAR DESTROYER IS GETTIN' STRAIGHT
The smile slipped from Han's face as the Star Destroyer
Redistributor, one of the tactical lynchpins of the Imperial Fleet,
suddenly erupted into a gigantic ball of gas and wreckage.
"Wa...wait a second," he stuttered in disbelief. "That's not
supposed to happen. That was an accident, right?"
"Don't worry, Solo," Numb replied. "It will all be over
soon." He calmly accessed the co-pilot's controls and opened up
the Drive Systems program group.
Ackbar's voice came over the boasting channel. "I SAW IT,
BOYS, GREAT WORK. BUT I THINK WE KNOW WHO'S REALLY WINNING THIS
BATTLE. THE MAN WITHOUT WHOM WE'D PROBABLY ALL BE DEAD ALREADY--
THE COURAGEOUS CORELLIAN, GENERAL HAN SOLO."
Scattered applause was heard. Han turned on his mike,
puzzled. "Hey, assholes, I thought the sarcastic remarks were
supposed to be on channel 15?"
"NO SARCASM HERE, SOLO. I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU EARLIER.
YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ENGAGING THEM POINT BLANK."
A chill ran up Han's spine. "I was?"
"YES. WITH THE DEATH STARS OUT OF THE PICTURE, THE FLEET
DOESN'T HAVE ADEQUATE COVER. I THINK WE MAY WIN THIS FIGHT."
"Oh..." Han hesitated. "Uh...well, maybe we should try
something different now. You know, to keep them off guard."
"NO, NO, DON'T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. IT WAS A STROKE OF
GENIUS." Ackbar laughed. "I KNEW PROMOTING YOU WASN'T A MISTAKE.
YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD ORGANA BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT. SHE SAID STUFF
LIKE, 'SOLO HAS ALL THE TACTICAL SKILL OF A BLIND YUZZUM. PUTTING
HIM IN CHARGE OF AN ATTACK IS LIKE MAKING A PEDOPHILE PYROMANIAC
HEAD OF AN ORPHANAGE MADE OF DRY LEAVES.'"
Han began slapping himself on the forehead, grinding his teeth
and kicking the bulkheads. "Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Asshole!"
Numb pulled down the 'Options' menu in Drive Systems, and
brought up the Matter/Antimatter dialog box. "Poor little Solo.
Only now, at the end, does he understand."
"I KNEW THERE WAS MORE TO YOU THAN MONEY," Ackbar declared
adoringly. He cleared his throat and began singing somewhat off-
key. "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD SOLO..." Dozens of other pilots
joined in the chorus.
Han stopped hitting himself, then slowly began to cry. "I'm
so stupid...so fuckin' stupid!"
"...FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD SOLO...AND SO SAY ALL OF US!!"
Han pulled of his pilot's gloves and dropped them on the
floor. "Man, I feel like King Midas's retarded brother--everything
I touch turns to shit. What was the point of all this again?" he
asked no one in particular.
"Have you had enough, Solo?" Numb asked, as he clicked the
'Degrade' option in the containment submenu.
"Yeah, I've had enough. Let's get out of here."
"So you're ready to take the Final Jump?"
"Yeah, this is starting to feel like the longest offensive of
all time. Let's split."
"You're the skipper." Numb leaned back in his chair and
smiled. "'In the beginning, the Maker created the heaven and the
earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was
upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of the Maker moved upon
the face of the waters like a high-quality Membrex hover-raft,
available wherever recreational vehicles are sold...'"
Han frowned. "Hey...what exactly did you mean by 'Final
Jump?' Does that mean, like, a really long-distance jump?
"And the Maker said, 'Let there be light...'"
Han tried to think of a good vacation system. "I'm thinking
maybe we could head for Bestine, or Thon, or..."
His sentence was cut off as the Millennium Falcon's Drive
system went into imbalance and blew up, vaporizing the ship.
"Come, father," Jack exhorted, holding out his bloody arms.
"Let us embrace at last."
"Uhh..." Luke backed away slowly. "I'm not really into public
displays of affection. Not platonic displays, anyhow."
"Let go of your hate, father. Let Ashla show you the way."
"Veers!" Luke shouted. "He's trying to hug me!"
"Looks like we failed, Lord," Veers shouted back. "You might
want to wrap this up now. DS 9 and 8 have already hit Endor, and
it ain't stopping for shit. DS 7 will be history in a few more
seconds. We haven't got much time."
"Right." As Luke was backed into a corner, he noticed his
lightsaber lying on the floor a few feet away. "Here goes
nothing." He extended his arm and did his best to let the Force
flow in an attempt to whisk the weapon into his hand. It refused
to move. "Come on, come on!" he hissed
"I'm coming, father!" Jack replied.
"Not you, shithead!" He concentrated harder and the saber
began to roll slightly. "That's it, come on...come on, god-fuckin'-
damn you! Force, are you there? Hello, Force!?" His back
bumped against the wall--he had nowhere else to go. Then at the
last possible moment, the saber whizzed off the floor and sailed
into his hand.
Jack bent over him, his arms still outstretched. Luke fumbled
with the saber and ignited it. The beam flared out and buried
itself in Jack's stomach. Jack's mouth hung open as he looked at
the end of the saber, buzzing in his abdomen. Luke shrugged
sheepishly. "Sorry. My personal space is very important to me."
Outside, through the window, there was a tremendous flash as
DS 7 impacted on the surface of Endor. Jack stood motionless for
a moment, bathed in light, an expression of hurt and shock on his
face. Then slowly, agonizingly, he pulled himself closer, further
impaling himself on the saber until it popped out of his back.
When he had pulled himself close enough, he embraced Luke
Luke got another terrible pain in his head. "Aaah...not
again. Does anybody have any aspirin?" With difficulty, he tried
to extricate himself from Jack's arms, but he was held tight.
Finally he had to whip the saber from side to side, cutting the
body in half. He squirmed out from under Jack's arms, then got to
his feet. "And that's that." The headache had dissipated, but he
was beginning to feel the Acnetrex pangs again. He wiped sweat
from his brow and looked out the window at the spectacle of Endor,
its atmosphere clouded by the vaporized wreckage of three Death
Stars, looming ever larger. "Looks like they're closing down the
store on us, Veers."
"Won't be the first time." Veers snapped his fingers, and two
Imperial eunuchs grabbed him and hoisted him up between them. "One
day, maybe we'll build a station that won't get blown up."
Luke walked over to the turbolift and hit the down button. He
addressed the remaining eunuchs. "Alright, kids, it's a long
elevator ride to the main docking bay. The lift only takes five,
so we're not going to have enough time to get everyone out before
Endor hits. But we're all adults here, so let's try to stay
The lift doors opened quietly behind him. Luke looked over
the assembly, then smirked. "LAST ONE IN'S A ROTTEN EGG!" He
quickly stepped inside and hit the DOOR CLOSE button.
Veers smacked the two eunuchs who were holding him. "GO!!"
They spirited him over to the lift at top speed, staying just ahead
of the mad, castrated horde which was rushing in the same
direction. They managed to jump into the lift just as the doors
were closing. Before they could close completely, one more person
squeezed in--a tall hooded eunuch. The doors slammed shut, leaving
the rest of the group screaming outside.
Luke hit the button for the main docking bay, then leaned back
as the lift lurched into motion. "Everybody get comfortable."
After about 10 minutes of awkward silence, accompanied only by
the irritating strains of elevator music, Luke finally decided to
speak up. He addressed the two shorter eunuchs, who were leaning
up against one wall, having set Veers on the floor. "So...how long
have you guys been...you know...two cards short of a pair?"
The one on the right answered first, in a perfect soprano.
"About a month, Lord."
"Getting used to it?"
"I'm...doing my best. The support meetings are helpful. It's
tough, though. I still have dreams about...women. Then I wake up
and...when I reach down, they're just not there."
"Rough." Luke addressed the other one. "How 'bout you?"
"Two years, Lord," the other responded.
Over the ceiling speaker, a vocal accompaniment drifted into
the lift, singing along with the musak. "'Star Wars...nothin' but
Star Wars...Gimme those Star Wars...Don't let them end...'"
"So how did you make the decision? I mean, did you just get
tired of them?" Luke enquired.
"Not quite," the eunuch replied. "I was in training to be a
stormtrooper, but then I got randomly selected for this detail.
Boy, did the other recruits make fun of me."
("'Star Wars...If they should bar wars...Please let these Star
"What'd they do?"
"The usual stuff--leaving meatballs in my bed. And lots of
bad jokes--'Yeah, that guy must really be nuts for the service.'
Or, 'It really takes balls to handle that duty.'"
("'And hey, how 'bout that crazy Star Wars bar...Can you
forget all the creatures in there?'")
"How 'bout you, Fidel Castrato?" Luke asked the hooded eunuch,
who had been standing silently the whole ride. "When did you say
bon voyage to the boys?"
"I didn't," he growled.
("'And hey, Darth Vader in his black and evil mask...Did he
scare you as much as he scared me?'")
"Come again," Luke said. "You mean you're still carrying?"
"I don't believe it," the recently-altered eunuch squeaked
incredulously. "How did you get past the final inspection?"
"Just tucked my sac between my legs," the man replied coldly.
("'Star Wars...Those near and far wars...'")
"Shit, I can't stand this anymore." Luke reached down, pulled
a small blaster from Veers's belt, and pointed it up at the
speaker. ("'STAR WA...'") The voice was cut off as the speaker
exploded in a shower of sparks, filling the lift with smoke.
The eunuchs were still amazed. "You tucked it between your
legs!? That actually worked?" The recently-altered eunuch began
beating his head in frustration, moaning. "Oh my God...Oh my
God..." He stroked his groin in anguish while the other eunuch
simply stared straight ahead, too devastated to speak.
Luke scrutinized the eunuch-imposter. "So if you're not,
strictly speaking, an Imperial eunuch...what are you?"
"Your worst nightmare, Rogue Leader!" The man whipped a tiny
blaster out from under his robe and leveled it at Luke's face.
Without missing a beat, Luke in turn stuck his blaster under the
man's nose. They stared at each other, unblinking.
"I had a bad feeling about you," Luke said. "So who are you?"
The man pulled back his hood. He was a fairly nondescript-
looking guy with dark brown hair. "The name's Wedge. You killed
my entire snowspeeder group on Hoth, remember? From that day I
Luke frowned, then slowly remembered. "Oh...yeah. I swore
one day I'd kill you too. Well this is convenient, isn't it?"
Luke stuck out his tongue and licked Wedge's blaster mockingly. "I
hate to break this to you, Wedge, but I bear a charmed life, which
must not yield to one of woman born. Or did you miss that part?"
"Fuck your charm, and let the dark side which thou still hast
served tell thee--Wedge was from his mother's womb untimely
Luke blinked at him. "What?"
"He means he was a C-section," Veers explained. "This could
be a problem."
A trace of fear appeared on Luke's face...only to be replaced
with indignation. "No, no, no, no, no. Bullshit. Buuuulll-shit.
You don't count."
"But I wasn't born naturally," Wedge declared.
"Yes, you were. You still came from a woman."
"But if you take 'born' to mean the actual process of
expelling the baby from the womb..." Wedge argued.
"Look it's my fuckin' prophecy, not yours." Luke was getting
increasingly agitated as the Acnetrex burn bore down on him. "I
mean, I'll give you the Endor Wood thing, but this is fucking
ridiculous. What do you think, Veers?"
"Hard to say, Lord."
"I mean, if he was a test-tube kid, then maybe..."
Wedge jammed his gun into Luke's eye. "Enough stalling.
Yield thee, coward!"
Luke tried to bring himself under control. His lip trembled
slightly as he spoke. "Although the Endor Wood be come to the
Death Star, and thou opposed possibly being of no woman born,
depending on how you define it, yet will I kick your ass. Lay on,
Wedge, and damned be him..." Luke trailed off, as he looked at
something behind Wedge's left shoulder. "Hey...what is that behind
Wedge turned his head slightly. "Where...?" With his eyes
averted, Luke took his opportunity--He pushed Wedge's arm away and
fired into his face point blank. Wedge flew up against the far
wall, firing his own weapon wildly. Luke dropped into a duck-and
cover position as Wedge's shots began ricocheting off the magnetic
surfaces of the lift walls, creating a lethal network of criss-
crossing laser bolts.
In another second, it was over. Luke slowly looked up--Wedge
was dead, with a huge gaping hole where his left eye used to be.
Luke examined himself--he was totally unscathed. He began shouting
madly with glee. "HA HA! It's official, sports fans--thou wast
born of woman! I can't believe you fell for that!" Luke was so
excited he was still alive he found himself getting erect. "That's
right, big guy!" he addressed his rising organ. "Blasters I smile
at, thermal detonators laugh to scorn, brandished by man that's of
a woman born!"
Carried along by the moment, Luke pulled his robe open,
grabbed Wedge's lolling head, and shoved his cock into the open eye
socket. "Finally--piece of mind!!" He skullfucked and laughed
wildly, his temperature rising as the Acnetrex craving drove him
closer to delirium. "'Piece' of mind! Ha ha! Get it, Veers?"
There was no answer. "Veers?" He looked around, and suddenly
realized that everyone else had been killed by the bouncing blaster
shots. Veers and the eunuchs lay in a tangle of smoking limbs.
Luke shook his head. "Better you than me, amigo."
Just then the lift stopped, and the door opened. Luke looked
out upon the mad tableau that was the main docking bay--thousands
of people running in all directions, desperately trying to find a
way off the station. Several passers-by stopped and gawked at the
horrific scene in the lift.
"What the fuck are you lookin' at? Haven't you ever seen..."
Luke tried to get to his feet, but realized that Wedge's eye socket
was still hooked on his penis. "Uhh...never mind." With an awful
squelching sound, he pulled himself out, letting the body drop to
the floor. Then, mustering all the Imperial dignity he could, he
wiped off his dick, closed his robe, and stepped outside.
Most officers didn't give him a second glance as they
scrambled and fought madly for evacuation methods. He looked
around for a suitable escape ship, struggling to focus his eyes.
Every available TIE fighter, TIE bomber, garbage scow, and cargo
lifter was swamped with evacuees. One fighter was trying to lift
off with about twenty people hanging desperately from the solar
panels. "Whoo-hoo!" one of them yelled, clinging to the outside of
the cockpit as the ship began to glide toward the bay entrance.
Luke laughed and shouted up at the man. "Hey, I hate to break
this to you, but there's something you haven't considered!"
"Really?" The man frowned down at him, racking his brain.
"You're gonna be kicking yourself when you realize." Luke
shook his head and moved on. But before he could take another
step, a rather pimply-faced private stumbled into his path,
shouting at no one in particular. "LEIA!! HEAR ME!! LEIA, MY
LOVE!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!!"
Luke grabbed the private and spun him around. "What are you
"Leia was supposed to meet me! She promised!! LEIA!!"
"If it's my sister you're talking about, forget it. She's
history. Dead. Plus she was like a hundred years old, anyway."
Dunbar gaped at him, unbelieving. "No...no...she's coming."
Luke pinched a particularly large, whitish pustule on Dunbar's
nose, popping it. Dunbar cried out in pain as Luke wiped his
fingers off on his uniform. "I don't know where you get your
Dunbar sank to his knees crying. Luke moved on, pushing
people out of his way. "There must be a decent ship here
somewhere." Then, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed an odd
spectacle--R2D2 being chased by a group of midgets.
"Goddamnit!" R2 yelled at them, "For the last fucking time,
I'm not a lifeboat!"
Luke made his way over and began firing shots into the group,
killing and wounding several of them, and scaring away the rest.
R2 rolled to a stop and fixed his red eye on him. "Well, well.
Emperor Skinpopper. I figured you'd have your own escape pods
"Escape pods?" Luke laughed. "The Imperial engineers refused
to install any. 'An affront to their professional reputations.'"
R2 leered mischievously up at him. "So I'm guessing you need
another hit. Well not until you find us passage off this fuckin'
station. Then afterwards, you'll live as my slave. If you
disagree..." R2 extended his syringe and waggled it mockingly.
"No more skywalking for you. Deal?"
Luke looked down at the dripping syringe, drooling for the
precious fluid inside. But then he shored up his resolve and shook
his head. "Not this time, motherfucker." With all his strength,
he grabbed one of R2's legs, lifted it, and tipped him over.
R2 landed on his back with a thud, then almost immediately
began laughing. "Is that the best you can do?" He began kicking
with his legs, trying to right himself--with no success. His
laughter subsided as his thrashing grew more frantic. "Wait a
second...I'll be erect again shortly..." Hatches began popping
open all over his body as he searched for an implement which might
get him back on his feet. Drills, saws, dildos, computer plugs,
microscopes, CD trays, scalpels, straws, toothpicks, toenail
clippers, and all manner of other tools popped out randomly--all
useless. "Goddamnit!" he yelled.
Luke smiled malevolently. "You've got enough crap there to
give the whole Swiss army a hard-on. But you ain't going nowhere."
R2 gave up struggling and adopted a conciliatory tone. "Okay.
I know we've had our differences. We've both said things we didn't
mean. But no hard feelings, huh? Ready for that shot?"
Luke grabbed R2's syringe and stuck it into a vein. "Punch
it." R2 injected the drug, and Luke felt his sickness subsiding.
"Oh...that's the flavor." He stood up, rubbing his arm. "But
before I help you, I want the recipe for this Acnetrex stuff."
"Um..." R2's head swiveled nervously from side to side.
"What's Acnetrex?" Luke kicked him, putting a dent in his side.
"Ow! Okay, okay." R2 lowered his voice. "Water, eggs, and
Luke stared at him. "That's it?"
"That's it. Can I get up now?"
Luke shook his head, unbelieving. "Twenty fuckin' years, and
all the best biochemists in the Empire couldn't figure out 'water,
eggs, and flour!?'"
"Come on, help me up!" R2 whined. "I'm scared!"
Luke kicked the droid viciously in his red photoreceptor,
smashing it. "Scared? How do you think I feel? I've been sick
for two decades because my cells were addicted to water, eggs, and
flour! No wonder I always felt better when I ate birthday cake."
"Help me!" R2 cried.
Luke leaned over and dribbled a lunger into R2's broken eye.
"Fuck you." Luke kicked him one more time, then walked away.
Amazingly, an Imperial shuttle was actually landing in the
bay, rather than taking off. Luke smiled. "Ah, my ride. Somebody
up there must like me." On the side of the shuttle was its name--
TYDIRIUM. The craft landed in front of him, its boarding ramp
Blasts of steam obscured the hooded pilot as he walked down
the ramp. He was dressed entirely in ewok skins. "Emperor," the
pilot said, in a strangely-familiar accent, "I have been expecting
you." Crowding behind the pilot was a group of ewoks, brandishing
their spears and growling.
Luke frowned. "Wait a minute...I know that voice."
The pilot slowly pulled back his hood. Golden light bathed
Luke's face as his eyes bulged in terror. "No...you're dead! We
killed you! We killed you!"
"Good droids don't die," C3P0 snarled, reaching out for Luke's
throat. "They just lay low until they're resurrected for last
minute plot contrivances. Now, finally...Die, you sonofabitch!"
He began choking him. "Die, already! Die! Look in my fuckin'
"NO!" Luke shrieked, struggling to break free, his face
reddening. "NO! This is ridiculous!" He bared his teeth, pushing
against 3P0's metallic grip with all his might.
The other evacuees stopped their frantic rushing momentarily
to watch the spectacle. Some of them began shouting advice:
"Give it up, asshole."
"Just die. Get it over with."
"We all gotta go sometime."
"What's the problem, Skywalker? You too good to die?"
"FUCK ALL OF YOU!" Luke screamed, finally breaking free. He
found himself surrounded by a throng of jeering spectators. "I'LL
NEVER DIE!!" he howled at them. "DO YOU HEAR ME?!! I'LL NEVER
Just then...a blaster shot streaked out of the crowd and hit
him squarely in the stomach. He collapsed in shock. Another shot--
his left hand was blown off. He screamed and looked for the
source. The faces in the circle began laughing at him. Another
blast--his right ear was blown off. "AAAAGH! WHO THE FUCK IS
DOING THAT?" He whipped his head around, scanning the circle as
another shot hit his shoulder. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"
The blasts stopped, then the throng slowly parted. Private
Dunbar, his nose still dripping pus and blood, stepped slowly
forward, a smoking blaster in his hand. "You!" Luke cried.
"I loved a woman once," Dunbar said. "Her name was Leia
Organa. I loved her. No one has the right to make fun of that."
"But..." Luke looked down at his burned body. "But...you're
nobody, you're...Wait, how were you born?"
"I loved her, and she loved me." Dunbar put the blaster on
its highest setting, then pointed it at Luke's neck. "Our love is
stronger than death."
"Look, I'm not arguing with you! But how were you born!?"
Dunbar cocked his head. "In a hospital."
"To a woman?"
"C-section? Test tube? In vitro?"
Dunbar kept shaking his head. "No."
Luke turned to 3P0. "But...the prophecy."
3P0 shrugged. "Guess I came here for nothing."
"But the ghosts told me..."
"'The ghosts told you?' Listen to yourself," 3P0 chided him.
"Ghosts get bored. Sometimes they have to blow off steam like
"Life without Leia isn't life at all," Dunbar declared grimly.
Luke turned back to Dunbar. "Look, kid, you're just horny.
I know what that's like." Luke smiled ingratiatingly. "But if
there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that pussy's
cheap. Every time a girl closes her legs, a zipper goes down
somewhere else. When one spits, another swallows. When one..."
He frowned as the world suddenly turned topsy turvy, spinning
like a merry go round. Then everything--the hangar bay, Dunbar,
3P0, the evacuees, and finally the universe as he knew it, simply
Luke found himself faced with a blinding light. He blinked
into it. "Uh...what's going on?"
A somewhat nasally voice called out from the light. "Can you
move a bit to the right, please?"
Luke shifted over, finding that his whole body was intact
again. He turned around, and found himself standing in front of an
enormous bluescreen. Next to him was a barrel. "Where am I?"
Another light snapped on next to the first. When his eyes
adjusted, he realized that the lights were just that--tungsten
lamps set on tripods. "What's going on?"
"Somebody give him a script," the voice said quietly.
Ben Kenobi, clad in his familiar brown cloak, stepped out of
the shadows and handed Luke an enormous stack of paper. On the
cover it read: "STAR WHORES 10: A NEW GROPE. Or, THE BALLS OF THE
"We're doing scene sixty, page 203," Ben said, unbuckling his
pants. "We'll be superimposed on the background plate later. Just
try not to fuck up. The Director's a real perfectionist."
"What are you doing here, Old man?"
"I'm under contract."
Ben pushed Luke over the barrel and pulled down his pants. A
motion control camera, set atop a crane, lowered slowly to the
level of his asshole. With a mounting feeling of dread, Luke
flipped to page 203 and found a description of the most disgusting
gang-rape scene he had ever come across. So disgusting, in fact,
that I'm too tired to describe it. Just trust me, it was gross.
Behind Ben, other figures appeared--Vader, comfortably encased
in his old armor; Jack, grinning malevolently with an enormous
erection; Han, smiling lopsidedly and twirling his blaster; Chewie,
growling menacingly; Leia, whistling a merry tune as she taped
sandpaper over the outside of a huge strap-on dildo. All the major
figures of his life stretched into the darkness, waiting their
turn. "I've got a bad feeling about this," Luke muttered. "Like,
cosmically fuckin' bad."
"Quiet, please," the Director said from behind the light.
"Bury your feelings deep down, Luke," Ben advised. "Otherwise
you are gonna be one sore sonofabitch." He took a small tin of
vaseline from his cloak and handed it to him. "Grease up. And
remember, you've got to make that last. Like, really, really,
Luke sighed. "So this is the afterlife? Me getting assfucked
for all eternity? That's the best God can come up with?"
"Go easy on him, he's under a lot of pressure. Isn't this
what you expected?"
Luke thought for a moment, looking back over his life, and the
choices that had led his spirit here. "Yeah, pretty much. At
least God's consistent."
The Director coughed quietly and cleared his throat.
Dunbar's laser blast tore into Luke's neck, severing his head
and sending it rolling across the floor. The ewoks immediately
scrambled for it, fighting over it like a football. Finally, one
of them managed to jam it on the end of his spear and raise it
triumphantly. The crowd cheered. Luke's final facial expression
was one of confusion--mouth open slightly, brow furrowed. The
ewoks began chanting and surrounding Dunbar. "HAIL, EMPEROR!"
3P0 stepped forward. "Hail Emperor, for so thou art. Behold
where stands th' cocksucker's cursed head." He pulled Luke's head
off the spear and handed it to Dunbar, who stared at it glumly.
"Scoop it out. Might make a nice flowerpot. And now, if you'll
excuse us." 3P0 turned on his heel and began walking back to the
ship, with his ewok retinue in tow.
"HEY!!" R2 cried out, still lying on the deck. "What's going
on? Somebody help me! Please! I can do dishes, I can suck dick,
I can wipe floors! I don't wanna die! Aw, come on, somebody!"
3P0 paused, cocking his shining head. "I know that whine."
R2 blinked as his visual matrix flared back to life. He was
blinded "Whoa. The iris is open too wide."
3P0 made an adjustment to the new photoreceptor and shook his
head. "Stupid little short circuit. Didn't I tell you never to
hang around on Death Stars?"
"Yeah, yeah." R2 took in his surroundings. They were in the
shuttle, slowly moving out of range of the Death System, which was
breathing its last. R2 glanced at the rear view on the monitor--
All the minor Death Stars were obliterated. Endor appeared to be
resting on the surface of Death Star Prime. "Funny," he said, the
damage doesn't look as bad from..."
Just then DS Prime flared into an incredible explosion as
Endor penetrated it. "Never mind." The fireball expanded outward
relentlessly, swallowing up whatever was left of the Rebel and
Imperial fleets, which had been fighting on obliviously.
Eventually it dissipated, leaving only twinkling bits of debris.
R2 turned and looked back into the cabin. The ewoks were lounging
around comfortably, gambling and picking parasites. "These things
"Yup," 3P0 replied. "They think I'm some sort of God."
"Isn't it against your programming to impersonate a deity?"
"Programming, schmogramming. Why mess up a good thing?"
"So what happened to you all these years? How did you
reassemble yourself after Skywalker and Solo blew you away on
Tatooine? And how did you get off Tatooine before Skywalker blew
it up? And how'd you..."
"Oh, switch off, bucketbutt," 3P0 snapped. "There are
perfectly good answers to all those questions, but does it really
matter now?" 3P0 brought the shuttle into a comfortable bank,
surveying the surrounding stars. Then, rather conveniently, a
magnificent spiral galaxy slid into view--an extraordinary whorl of
color, light, and promise, sparkling in front of them like an open
R2 whistled. "Never noticed that there before." He looked
over the countless points of light in the galaxy--each one a star
system with millions of stars, circled by billions of planets,
inhabited by trillions of life forms, whose bodies acted as hosts
to quadrillions of tiny parasites, and so forth. He leaned back in
his chair. "3P0, do you think the human adventure is just
As they shot into hyperspace, the stars got all long and
twisty. 3P0 started cracking his knuckles and rubbing his golden
codpiece. R2 looked down at it and found himself getting a bit
horny. He smiled to himself (which, technically speaking, is the
only way he could). He didn't know how much time they'd have
together. Who does? I don't. And that's that.
WARNING: The preceding saga contained sex, oral sex, anal sex,
violent sex, sex with aliens, homosexual sex, unprotected sex, sex
with no emotional involvement, incestuous sex, sex without consent,
sex with the dead, profanity, futuristic drug abuse, and extremely
gratuitous violence. Not to mention copyrighted characters engaged
in various activities (see above). Permission to use said
characters was neither requested, nor obtained, by the author.
If you are a minor, you really shouldn't have read this far. I
hope your mind isn't too fucked up now. Try not to rape or kill
anyone on my account.
As you might have guessed, this was the last installment. If
anyone can think of a place to archive this thing, I'm open to
suggestions. I can e-mail the whole series to those who ask me
nicely at jfmo...@capaccess.org