Grand Moff Tarkin lounged at one end of the conference
table, absent-mindedly playing with his rapidly thinning hair.
Several strands came off in his hand.
"Shit." Tarkin stretched, lizard-like, and began scratching
With a quiet whoosh, the door slid open and Darth Vader strode
in. His rhythmic, mechanical breaths settled over the room like a
cloak. Vader went to the other end of the table, sat down, and put
his legs up, straining at the effort.
"Jee-zus Christ." Vader groaned deeply as he rotated his
"Any luck?" Tarkin stopped scratching and glanced at Vader,
who continued to stare at the ceiling, obliviously stretching his
mechanical joints. Tarkin cleared his throat loudly.
"Hey, Space Cadet. Are you answering in mime or are you
Vader looked over slowly. Tarkin felt a sudden tightening in
"You're not worming your way out of this, Vader. Release me
and report." The tightness quickly disappeared. Vader threw his
hands in the air.
"Fuck! Her resistance to my probe is considerable.
Stubborn bitch. She might as well have deflectors around her cunt.
It will be some time before we can extract any information from
Tarkin raised one eyebrow. "A bit frigid?"
"Shit. Makes polar Hoth look like equatorial Tatooine at
midday. About as moist, too."
Tarkin smiled smugly. "Well, there's Alderaanian snatch for
you. Don't say I didn't warn you. The only thing tougher to pry
open than their purses are their legs."
"No wonder none of our troops bother taking leave there."
Tarkin suddenly got up and straightened his uniform,
adjusting his crotch. "Perhaps she might respond to an
alternative form of persuasion."
Vader looked him over and laughed. "You've got to be
"How old are you?"
Tarkin glared indignantly. "None of your business. At least
I can get it up without biomechanical pumps."
"Try falling into a pit of lava, Moffy. Then see how horny
you feel." Vader got up, his breaths quickening slightly.
Tarkin waved his arm. "Oh, fuck you. This bickering is
pointless. With my new weapon, I could crush her in one swift
Vader walked slowly behind Tarkin and began massaging his
shoulders, whispering in his ear.
"Don't be too proud of this sado-masochistic terror you've
constructed. The ability to destroy a 20 year old girl's innocence
and self-esteem is insignificant next to the power of the Force."
Tarkin chuckled slightly. "Okay, yeah, whatever."
Vader's hands slipped off his shoulders and gently patted
Tarkin's buttocks. "Moffy, you of all people should appreciate the
Force after all the good times we've had."
"How much was you and how much was the Force?"
Vader batted his eyes behind his mask and gently turned his
ankle. "I'm not telling."
"Just don't call me Moffy in front of her."
"It won't make any difference. Not only is she frigid, she's
huge. It's like throwing a lightsaber down a space slug's throat.
You'll have to fist her to get anywhere."
"Fist?" Tarkin turned around, raising his head slightly to
meet Vader's gaze. "Shit, Vader, the last thing I fisted was a
Mimbanite whore at a concert on Circarpous V. I was just a
lieutenant, for Christ's sake."
"How'd that go?"
"Came four times. Two for each cunt."
"Well you won't get a hum out of this Organa bitch. I'd bet
Tarkin rubbed his chin. "How much?"
Vader shrugged. "You're fulla shit."
"I'm fuckin' serious. 5000 credits? More?"
"That's a lot of cash. I don't want to suck you completely
dry." Vader walked to the other end of the room, contemplating the
"Come on, Vader. I'm sure Palpatine'll cover you if you
haven't got it."
Vader adjusted his cuffs. "Three thousand."
"Four. I'll even throw in my new personal assistant."
Vader's breath quickened again at the thought. "That new boy?
"Yep. He just arrived on the station. A bit cheeky at times,
but still charmingly wet behind the ears." Tarkin approached
Vader, grinning slyly for emphasis. "And just about everywhere
"It's like rolling in an Endorian meadow at daybreak.
Except you don't have to stop all the time to shoot those little
"Done and done, Moffy." Vader extended his hand.
Tarkin shook it. "Four thousand is enough to teach you a
lesson. They didn't use to call me 'Grand Muff' Tarkin for
nothing, you know."
Tarkin slapped his hands together, rubbing them. "Okay then.
I think there's a princess in a cell somewhere needs to get
Leia Organa gently applied ointment to her clitoris, wincing
slightly at the sting. At her feet lay the sputtering remains of
a torture robot, its round, black frame dented. Its penile
attachment was twisted and crushed.
The door to the cell suddenly whooshed open. Standing in the
doorway was a stormtrooper. Upon viewing Leia's display, he took
a step back.
Leia batted her eyes, unabashed. Putting the ointment down,
she slowly licked her finger and inserted it into her vagina. She
Vader pushed the mesmerized trooper aside and entered the
room. Leia rolled her eyes.
"Darth Vader. Only you would be so bold. Ready for another
round, my little Pinocchio ninja?"
Vader ignored her sarcasm. "Now, your Highness, let us
discuss the location of your hidden rebel base."
"I don't know where you get your delusions, laser-balls."
Leia smirked, and kicked the broken torture droid to the far end
of the cell. "I was just discussing the rebels with your pain
'bot. He wasn't quite up to the challenge. His circuit got a
"It is useless to resist."
"Tell that to an Alderaanian girl. Resistance keeps the
"Where is the rebel base?"
"You were on the right track." Leia gently spread her
labia, allowing an unobstructed view inside. "It's right in here.
You'll just have to probe a little deeper. Don't worry, I don't
Vader mustered his best deadpan. "No wonder, with gums like
Leia withdrew her fingers and threw her skirt back down over
her knees. "Well aren't you just the Lord of the Pith today."
"Cut the bullshit," Vader snorted. "Someone wants to see
"Another Imperial limp-dick? Why not, I don't have anywhere
to go just now." Leia got up and straightened her robe.
Vader reached out and twisted one of Leia's nipples
viciously. She cried out.
"This Imperial's a little better hung than most."
Tarkin sat on a couch on the bridge of the Death Star,
combing his hair over his scalp using a pocket mirror. His red
velvet bathrobe was richly embroidered with images of exploding TIE
fighters. A huge viewscreen dominated one wall. It displayed
Alderaan, spinning serenely before a twinkling starfield.
Vader, the trooper, and Leia emerged from a lift at the far
end of the bridge and walked briskly over. Tarkin got up off the
couch and pressed a button on its arm. The couch quickly unfolded
into a four-poster bed. Leia scratched her head and farted.
"Governor Tarkin. I expected to find you here holding
Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
Tarkin licked his lips. "Charming to the last." Slowly, he
drew the shiny leather leash out of his breast pocket, unfurling
it. "Actually I was going to use the leash on you. You don't
mind, do you Vader?"
Vader shrugged. "Just wash it afterwards."
Tarkin fastened the leash around Leia's neck. "You don't know
how difficult it was for me to sign the order to terminate your
life. You're not bad looking, apart from the hair."
"I'm surprised you had the stones to sign the order
Tarkin sat down on the edge of the bed, crossing his legs.
"Princess Leia, before your execution, I'd like you to be present
at a ceremony which will make this battle station operational. No
star system in the galaxy will dare oppose the Emperor now."
Leia belched. "The tighter you squeeze your glutes, Tarkin,
the more star systems will slip right out of your asshole like so
much cosmic diarrhea."
"Not after they witness the full power of this station. In a
kind of fucked-up way, you've decided which planet will be blown to
"Bulltrue." Tarkin slowly opened his robe, revealing his
somewhat emaciated-looking nude form. His medium-sized penis lay
against his thigh amongst a thin tangle of graying pubic hair.
Leia shuddered. "Just broadcast a picture of that.
Everyone on the planet'll kill themselves."
Tarkin lifted his penis, revealing a small blinking device
attached to his scrotum. "You see this? This device is hooked
directly to the ion cannon. When I come, your home planet of
Alderaan goes bye-bye."
Leia's eyes widened. "No, Alderaan is a peaceful world, we
have no weapons, you mustn't..."
Vader interrupted her with a loud bray of raspy laughter.
"Yeah, right. They're a bunch of tree-hugging humanitarians."
Leia lowered her eyes. "Well, maybe they haven't always been
"Gimme a fuckin' break," Vader chortled.
"Okay, okay, they're a bunch of assholes, I admit it. But
it's home, you know." Leia shrugged. "Shit, go ahead, blow it up,
I don't care. I'm telling you dick."
Tarkin smiled. "Have it your way. Now let's get mounted."
Tarkin yanked violently on Leia's leash, pulling her down onto the
bed. Pinning her arms behind her back and pushing her down onto
her stomach, he ripped her stained white robe apart, exposing the
smooth white flesh of her buttocks. Spreading them with his
fingers, Tarkin coughed up a smooth rope of saliva, letting it
dribble over her rectum. Leia flinched in terror.
"Wait, not in there. I don't like it in there! Anywhere
else..." Leia struggled uselessly.
Tarkin leaned over close to her ear as he gently rubbed the
spit into her anus with his thumb. "You'd prefer another target,
a genital target, then name the system!"
Leia bit her lip, squirming at the sensation of Tarkin's long
"I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time,"
Tarkin hissed. "Where's the fuckin' base?"
Leia's voice trembled slightly, barely above a whisper.
"Dantooine. They're on Dantooine."
"No good, Princess, we tried there. This'll hurt you a lot
more than it hurts..."
"No, wait! Did I say Dantooine? I meant Mantooine,
Mantooine! I get 'em confused, you know." Leia laughed
Tarkin paused. "Mantooine, huh?"
"Yep. That's where you'll find 'em. Mantooine. Every
traitorous motherfuckin' one. Gimme a blaster, I'll kill a few for
you." Leia looked over her shoulder at Tarkin, smiling hopefully.
Tarkin rubbed his chin. "You see Vader, she can be
reasonable. Not such a bitch. Maybe...nah, fuck it. Alderaan is
in range. I'll fire when ready." He began rubbing his penis
around her rectum, trying to make it erect.
"What?!" Leia exclaimed.
"You're far too trusting. It's been too long since I
cornholed an Alderaanian chick. But don't worry..." Tarkin
paused, slapping his penis against her perineum, "We'll deal with
your rebel friends soon enough."
Leia closed her eyes, waiting for the pain. She gritted her
teeth, attempting to brace herself. A minute went by, and she felt
nothing. Another minute. Leia tried to look behind her, and
Tarkin slapped her sharply.
"Ow! I was just wondering what the holdup was. I'd like to
get this over with."
"Shut up! I'm trying."
"Are you rimming me, or what? Don't tell me that little
fleshy nub I feel is actually your prick. No wonder you have so
much anger toward the universe."
"Shut up, whore!" Tarkin slapped her again, and pulled the
leash taught, jerking Leia's head back. "It's Vader and that
trooper over there talking. They're distracting me."
Vader piped up from across the room. "But we haven't said
anything, Moffy. You must be hearing things."
"Fuck you!" Tarkin was sweating now, his gray hair
plastered to his forehead in clumps. "I can do this,
"If this is anal sex, it's not so bad." Leia laughed. "Wake
me up when you're done, Moffy." Leia closed her eyes and began
"I told you not to call me Moffy, Vader!" Tarkin screamed.
"I'll have you fucking court-martialed for this!"
"Oh, you're just pissed off about that 4000," Vader said.
"Don't worry, I'll treat your personal assistant well. I hope he's
as good as you said he is. Where is he?"
Tarkin moved his hips faster, panting with the exertion. His
penis still dangled lifeless as a slaughtered nerf. "My assistant
is standing next to you. The stormtrooper. Go ahead and look, but
you're not getting him. I can do this! I'm Grand Muff Tarkin!"
Vader looked over at the trooper, reached out, and slowly
lifted off his helmet, revealing the healthy, tanned features of a
blue-eyed boy. The boy blew his unkempt, sandy blonde hair out of
his eyes and looked up at Vader in awe.
"What's your name, boy?"
"Luke, lord. I was just posted on the station."
"So I've heard." Vader leaned in close. "Why don't you go
over there and assist your former master. He's old, you know, it's
"Do you like girls?"
Luke shrugged. "They're okay. I saw this one in a
holomessage once. She's alright, except for the hair."
"Do you think you're up to it?"
A long, boyish grin spread out over Luke's features. "No
problem. It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. Just a
With a last spasm of effort, Tarkin fainted on top of Leia,
his entire body as limp as his useless organ. Leia rolled him off
the bed in disgust.
"Well I wouldn't rank that in my top ten sexual experiences.
That Gamorrean at Star's End had more tact." Leia sat up, pulling
off the leash and casting it aside. Then she noticed Luke standing
in front of her, smiling lasciviously.
"Let me guess," Leia said. "You just got posted here."
"Yeah. Never had this kind of duty before." Luke pulled off
his white codpiece, revealing his genitals. Leia looked them over
"Aren't you a little small for a stormtrooper?"
"You'll find I'm full of surprises." Luke bent over Tarkin,
pulled the blinking device off his scrotum, and attached it to his
own. He was already erect.
Leia lay back with a groan. "At least you've gotten that far.
Okay, get on with it."
Luke entered her roughly, twisting his buttocks like a
corkscrew. He began to move rhythmically, imagining he was riding
tailwinds and airpockets in his T-16. Leia's vagina was somewhat
spacious, but not without a certain boyish charm.
Vader looked on quietly, breathing heavily and polishing his
As the pleasure mounted, Luke suddenly heard a familiar voice
in his mind:
USE THE FORCE, LUKE.
Luke blinked. "Is that you, old man?"
Ben's voice took on a sarcastic edge. NO, IT'S GANDHI. WHO
THE FUCK ELSE TALKS TO YOU LIKE THIS?
"Well Gandhi, what do you want now?"
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE RESORTED TO FEMALES. I'M DEPRESSED.
"Molest somebody else's mind, why don't you?"
Leia broke in. "Who the hell are you talking to?"
"Nobody. Shut up."
PUSHY LITTLE CUNT, ISN'T SHE? ALDERAANIANS ARE LIKE THAT.
THE WOMEN FOR SURE. THEY'RE LIKE A UNION.
"Leave me alone, alright? I'm trying to fuck here."
OH YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S REALLY LOVING IT TOO.
"Go to hell."
YOU JUST CAN'T FACE THE FACT THAT THE BEST FUCKING YOU'LL EVER
GET IS RIGHT BACK IN THE DUNE SEA WITH ME.
"It's a big universe. I'll find something better."
NO, YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE ALL ALONE. AND YOU WON'T BE FREE OF
THAT FEELING OF BEING ALONE UNTIL YOU LOOK DEATH RIGHT IN THE FACE.
NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT...
"That's 'cos it is. You had your chance, you old bastard."
SURE, LET GO LUKE. TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. FEEL THE FORCE
FLOWING THROUGH YOU.
"Would you do me a big favor and fuck off?"
YOUR EYES CAN DECEIVE YOU, DON'T TRUST THEM. AN ELEGANT
WEAPON, OF A MORE CIVILIZED AGE.
"I'm not listening. This chick's pussy is a lot tighter than
your fat slack ass, you know that?"
THE FORCE WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. RUN, LUKE, RUN!
"I used to call you Jabba the Butt behind your back."
WHO'S MORE FOOLISH, THE FOOL, OR THE FOOL WHO FOLLOWS HIM?
"Who's a fool, Knobby-One? I've got a good job, a rich
master, and an Alderaanian girlfriend. That'll be a pretty rare
commodity in a few seconds." Luke shut his eyes, writhing in
pleasure. Ben fell silent, momentarily at a loss.
"What is it now?"
DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BANGING YOUR SISTER?
Luke opened his eyes and looked at Leia, who now appeared to
be enjoying the experience. She was smiling broadly and entwining
her fingers in Luke's pubic hair. He examined her features
carefully for a resemblance.
"You know what, old man?"
"I don't give a flying fuck at the moons of Yavin. Now get
ready to feel a great fucking disturbance in the Force!"
Luke suddenly withdrew his penis and held it over Leia. The
glans was nearly purple, swelling like a Gundark's bladder. Leia
clutched at it with both hands, panting.
"You're all clear, kid!" she cried out breathlessly. "Now
let's blow this thing and go home!" She opened her mouth and stuck
out her tongue.
Luke cried out. "I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!"
With a spasm which racked his entire body, Luke's ejaculate
exploded like a supernova over Leia's flushed face. She began
swallowing it hungrily. Through the main viewport, there was a
green flash and a blinding explosion...
Vader handed a steaming cup of coffee to Luke, who gulped it
eagerly. He grimaced.
Vader sat down next to him on the bed. "You know, you're
going to be my personal servant now."
"Yeah, I heard about the bet."
"How do you feel about it?"
"Okay I guess." Luke looked him over. "Are you like...a
Vader chuckled. "Oh no. I'm a lot better than normal. Join
me, and I'll complete your training. With our combined strength,
we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the
galaxy." Vader began rubbing the inside of Luke's thigh. "And uh,
if we have a little fun in the process, who'll carp?"
"Sure, why not? But on one condition."
"I get to keep the girl."
Vader thought for a moment. "Alright. But she can't sleep in
"Fair enough." Luke looked at the blinking panel of lights on
Vader's chest. He began fingering them. "What do these do,
"You'll find out tonight." Vader tenderly ran his other hand
through Luke's hair.
Leia approached, wearing Tarkin's robe and carrying a tray
with two plates on it. She smiled at them.
"Okay, who's for a little Ewok surprise?"
Vader and Luke both took the plates from her. "What's the
surprise?" Vader asked.
"The surprise is that you won't vomit."
Luke took a tentative bite. Vader opened the triangular grid
on his faceplate and shoveled a forkful in.
"Not bad," said Luke. "Not bad at all."
Vader made an appreciative noise. "Pretty fucking good."
Leia's smile widened. "I'm glad you like it."
In a few moments, the food had disappeared. Luke began wiping
crumbs off of Vader's mask.
"I've gotta take Moffy to the infirmary," Vader said. "Have
her clean up. Be waiting for me in my quarters by 0900."
"I'll be ready."
Vader got up, hoisted Tarkin's nude, unconscious body over his
shoulder, and left the bridge. Leia sat down next to Luke and
patted his knee. Slowly he put an arm around her, and they lay
back on the bed, staring at the newly-formed Alderaanian asteroid
field through the viewscreen.
"You're not pissed at me, are you? For blowing up your
"Nah. It was true what everybody said about the place. A
bunch of hotheaded pricks and egomaniacal tightasses. I doubt
anyone will even want to investigate. In fact..." Leia grinned
devilishly, "I think it might have made it better. The sex, I
mean. All those millions of voices screaming out in terror...then
being suddenly silenced." She licked her teeth erotically.
"So you liked it?"
"Yeah. In fact..."
"What's the next nearest inhabited planet?"
Leia reached over into Luke's pants and began massaging him
gently. He started to become erect immediately. "Whattya say?"
"Don't you need a little more time to recover?"
Leia laughed, rolled over on top of Luke, took out his
penis, and begin licking the head in circular motions.
Her blue eyes glittered darkly. "I guess," she intoned, her
voice slightly muffled by Luke's foreskin, "you don't know
everything about women yet."