Luke switched on the autopilot in his X-wing and leaned back,
resting his feet on the control panel. He watched the stars slip
by, sporadically spitting chak-root juice into a paper cup. R2D2's
translated comments crackled over a speaker on the console.
"...SO WHEN THE GUY GETS HOME, HE SEES HIS WIFE AND HE SAYS,
'HONEY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. ON THE WAY BACK FROM WORK, I SAW
THIS GUY WHO'D GOTTEN HIS PRICK CUT OFF BY A HOVERBUS. HE WAS
STONE DEAD. AND THE PRICK WAS A FOOT LONG. HONEST TO GOD.' THEN
SUDDENLY THE WIFE STARTS CRYING, 'DENGAR IS DEAD! DENGAR IS DEAD!'
HA HA HA HA HA. YOU LIKE THAT ONE? I HEARD ANOTHER ONE THE OTHER
"Shut up, droid. We're almost there," Luke grunted.
"WE WON'T REACH DAGOBAH FOR ANOTHER 10 HOURS."
"10 hours isn't much compared to the life of the universe."
"HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANY INTELLIGENT LIFE UP THERE?"
"NICE RECOVERY, MR. WILDE. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE LIFE OF
THE UNIVERSE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"
"I wouldn't expect a mechanical to understand. It's a Jedi
thing. You've gotta feel the Force."
"YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE FORCE OF MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS."
Luke scowled. "You don't have a foot."
"WELL, GIVE OR TAKE AN INCH. HA HA HA..."
"Hey, R2, that stabilizer has broken loose again. See if you
can't lock it down."
"LOCK IT DOWN YOURSELF, YOU SHIFTLESS JACKASS. IF YOU DON'T
LIKE MY COMPANY, EJECT. I NEVER WANTED TO TAKE THIS RIDE IN THE
"Try to increase power while you're at it. And make goddamn
sure that O-ring is in place."
"WHO AM I, THE MAKER? THESE REBEL SNUBS ARE MADE OF KLEENEX
AND SPIT, YOU KNOW THAT."
Luke muttered under his breath, exasperated. "Then spit on it
for two minutes, would you for chrissakes? Overweight blob of
"YOU ARE ONE MINDLESS FUCKIN' PHILOSOPHER, YOU KNOW THAT? I'M
CURIOUS, HOW CAN YOU SEE THE CONSOLE WITH YOUR HEAD SCREWED UP YOUR
ASS? CLOSED-CIRCUIT TV?"
"I'm gonna meditate now." Luke closed his eyes. "Wake me up
when we get there."
Luke awoke from disturbing dreams to find himself transformed
into a giant ball creature of Duroon. Then he awoke again, banging
his head on the cockpit glass. He was back to normal. Dagobah
loomed large below.
"You didn't wake me up, you piece of shit."
"WHAT IS THIS, A HOTEL?"
"Were you gonna let us crash into the planet?"
"WELL WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIFE, ANYWAY?"
"I'm hoping this Yoda will have some ideas."
"GOOD LUCK. MAYBE YOU'LL FIND HIM, IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAND ON
THE RIGHT CONTINENT, ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET FROM HIS HOUSE."
"Massive life form readings down there. I can ask around."
"DO YOU THINK IT'S SAFE FOR DROIDS?"
"Oh no, it's deadly for droids. Dagoban's torture and kill
every droid they lay eyes on. They're renowned all over the
galaxy. Goddamn, they sure do hate droids...
As they entered the atmosphere, a thick white shroud of gas
enveloped the ship, obscuring the view out the cockpit. Luke began
pushing buttons frantically.
"Shit! All the scopes are dead, I can't see a thing."
"THE SCOPES ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE THE SCOPES."
"Get off your ass and do something! We're gonna crash!"
"WELL I'D USE THE FORCE IF I COULD, BUT I'M JUST A FOOT-SHUFFLING,
HEAD-SCRATCHING MECHANICAL. I'M IG'NANT 'A SUCH THANGS,
"Fuck you. I'm gonna start the landing cycle."
"SHO' SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, MASSA. LAWD YES, NOTHIN' LIKE
A GOOD LANDIN' CYCLE TO SPRUCE UP 'DA MAWNIN.' LESS LAND ON
Luke rubbed his forehead. He was developing a headache.
"This Yoda better be pretty fuckin' good."
Snapping its way through vines and trees, the X-wing barrelled
through the low Dagoban clouds. Luke put his head between his legs
and felt around for the floatation cushion under his seat. He
clutched it tightly.
With an enormous splash, the X-wing landed. A small oxygen
mask dropped out of the top of the cockpit and dangled in front of
Luke's face. He batted it aside and opened the hatch.
The humidity hit Luke like a hammer. The ship was half-
submerged in a dank bog. The dense trees overhead all but blocked
out the sun, and the air was filled with primitive mating calls.
"Jesus, it's humid." Luke clambered awkwardly out of his
seat, and stood on the nose of the ship, surveying his
surroundings. Behind him, R2 was elevating himself out of his nook
and bleeping loudly.
"Wish I could understand you, droid, but I left the portable
translator back home. Too bad."
R2 blooped angrily, and an electrified prod emerged from his
torso. He began advancing on Luke, who laughed dismissively.
"Fuck you." Luke kicked R2 off the side of the ship, sending
him into the murky water. After a few moments, a tiny periscope
broke the surface.
"You be more careful, R2. You've gotta learn balance."
A few yards away from the droid, a large black shape sat
motionless in the water, waiting. Luke spied it and smiled
devilishly. "Hey, R2!"
The periscope swiveled to look at him. Luke pointed towards
the black shape. "That way."
Obliviously, R2 headed toward the shape, which immediately
surged forward. The periscope disappeared without a trace.
Luke laughed. "Bye bye, dickhead." He jumped off the prow of
the ship and crawled onto the bank. "See you at Star's End, dick."
Luke sat on a wet log in front of his portable heating unit,
masturbating intensely and fantasizing with all his might. In his
mind's eye, Leia waited on all fours on a tundra on Hoth. She
spread her buttocks wide, rubbing her anus with K-Y and beckoning
"So be it...Jedi." Despite the cold, her entire body was
glowing with a thin sheen of sweat. "Fuck me."
Luke slowly worked his foot-long member into her. She moaned
slightly, a wonderfully musical sound. He began thrusting in and
out, eliciting another tuneful moan with each stroke. He pushed as
hard as he could, rotating his hips. "You're gonna bleed, baby."
"Make me bleed, Luke. Tear me apart. I wanna feel your hot
come all up in my ass." Luke grabbed Leia's shoulders from behind,
pulling her farther onto his cock. She gasped.
"Yes! Yes! To hell with Solo! You are a Jedi, like your
father before you...but harder!"
Luke could feel himself going over the edge. The heat of
their union was melting the snow. As he approached his climax,
Luke realized they were surrounded by a throng of victorian
onlookers, clapping loudly.
"The Force is strong in my family. My father has it, I have
it...and now my sister's gettin' it! Feel my saber, daughter of
Elysium!" Luke roared like a wookiee and ejaculated with such
force that Leia was pushed away from him like a rocket. He
brandished his enormous cock like a firehose, aiming a torrent of
steaming sperm which covered her like a cocoon and sent her rolling
helplessly through the snow almost a hundred feet. He then fell
down on his back and came in the air like a geyser, letting it rain
back down on him...
Luke's eyes suddenly snapped open. He looked down at his
prosthetic penis. With a convulsive mechanical sputtering, the
artificial organ managed to force out a tiny dribble of ejaculate.
It dripped meekly onto Luke's boot. He sighed.
"Fuckin' cheap dick. Better be under warranty. If I get my
hands on that medical droid, I'll...I'll..."
"You'll what, Onan the Barbarian?" The strange voice startled
Luke and he spun around, drawing his blaster.
Leaning shakily on a stick was a tiny, wizened little green
thing. It laughed, then began coughing horribly, bringing up gobs
of some kind of yellow substance.
"...I'll fuckin' blast it, that's what I'll do. What are you,
some kind of frog-watcher? Or are you just...a frog?" Luke stared
at the creature in disgust.
The green thing continued hacking pitifully, eventually
vomiting a stream of thin black bile onto its robe. It wiped its
mouth and swayed woozily. "Up...your ass shove your weapon. I
mean you no harm."
The thing reeked of cheap booze. Luke caught a whiff and
waved his hand in front of his face. "What? Up my ass shove...You
mean 'Shove your weapon up your ass.'"
"That I mean."
"What kind of fuckin' speech impediment is that? You inverted
your prepositional phrase and your imperative."
"This problem a long time have I had."
Luke laughed. "Do you even notice it? It's fuckin'
hilarious. Keep talking."
"I notice not. Any booze have you? Drink it I must." The
thing belched aromatically, nearly falling on its face.
Luke laughed again, pulled a small flask out of his jacket,
and tossed it to the thing. "I can't believe you don't notice
The thing gulped down the entire contents, then threw the
flask aside and grimaced. "How you get so big drinking piss of
this kind?" The thing hobbled over and began rummaging through
Luke's survival kit. "I am wondering, why are you here?"
"I'm looking for someone. A great warrior."
"Oh, great warrior. Most great men by wars have been made."
"That's the truth. I hope to make my name in one someday."
Luke looked at the thing closely, studying it. "Hey, wait a
second. Aren't you..."
Luke was interrupted by an angry blur of electronic bleeps.
R2 stumbled through the underbrush and rolled toward the campsite.
He was covered with some kind of viscous brown jelly.
"Whoa, somebody's lucky they don't taste too good."
The green thing, upon seeing R2, pulled a plastic cup from
Luke's rations and began hobbling as fast as it could toward the
droid, falling several times on the way. It leaned up against R2
and began pushing buttons on his torso, holding the cup up to them.
"Shit. Shit." The green thing began feeling atop R2's head.
"This keg pumped needs to be. Nothing am I getting."
"You're Yoda, aren't you?"
The thing turned to Luke slowly, then spat at him. "Dead is
he. Choked on vomit."
"Bullshit, I've got you cold." Luke began pulling tattered
newspaper clippings from his jacket, unfolding them. "I saw your
ad when I was back on Cloud City. I'm here for the intensive three
week Jedi seminar."
"Canceled from lack of interest was that seminar. And it
matters not. I'm not Yoda."
Luke held the ad up, showing the thing a picture of itself,
accompanying the ad. "Who are you, then? His identical twin
"Full of shit are you. Leaving am I." The thing gave R2 one
last kick, then began walking away.
"Wait a second, Yoda. I'm serious, I'll pay you."
"Worthless is money. See any ABC stores here, do you?"
"But I've got a spaceship. I can give you as much booze as
you need. I've got friends in spaceports. I'm not afraid."
The thing scratched the scraggly white hairs on its head, then
laughed. "See you how much I drink, and you will be. Come."
Luke watched the thing trying to urinate, sadly shaking his
head. It had been stroking its tiny green penis for nearly 5
minutes. Both stood outside the entrance to its tiny hovel.
"This is ridiculous. Give it up, Yoda."
"Patience. When 900 years old you reach, piss as freely you
will not. Hmmm?"
"Try saying, 'When you reach 900 years old, you will not piss
"Said that I just did."
"Let's keep it simple. Say, 'Zuckuss is a fat old bastard.'
"A fat old bastard is Zuckuss."
"Okay, now try saying, 'A fat old bastard is Zuckuss.'"
"Inverted is that."
"Just try it."
The thing sighed heavily. "Zuckuss is a fat old bastard."
Luke clapped delightedly. "Goddamn, that's amazing."
Suddenly a small rock levitated off the ground. It hovered
for a few seconds in front of Luke's face, then whizzed past his
head at blinding speed, blowing a hole in an adjacent tree."
"Shit," said the thing. "Off is my aim."
Luke stared in wonder. "Hey, you used the Force just then.
You can stop with the 'I'm not Yoda' shit."
Finally, a torrent of nearly-clear urine emerged from the
thing's urethra. To Luke's amazement, rather than hitting the
ground, the stream flew upward, growing thicker. The undulating
tip hovered in the air for a moment, then formed itself into a
"Holy shit! Polymerizing piss! Man, you gotta teach me how
to do this!" The face remained solid a moment longer, then surged
forward and splashed into Luke's mouth. He jumped back, spitting
"What the fuck?"
The thing laughed quietly between coughs, then slowly made its
way through the door to its home. Reluctantly, Luke crouched down
Discarded liquor bottles lay strewn everywhere. Vomit stains
covered the floor and walls, adding to the nearly unbearable
stench. Luke held his nose.
"Fuck! Don't you have a maid?"
"Smell bad this may, kid. But warm it will keep you."
Luke surveyed the interior, spying a small section of wall
which was covered with old newspaper clippings. One featured a
picture of the thing being led in handcuffs by Corporate Sector
Authority Police. The headline read, 'LITTLE GREEN THING HEADS
KIDDIE SEX RING.' Among the headlines for the other stories--
'RECLUSIVE TOAD SMOKES 10-YEAR OLD CHOAD,' 'SICK PIXIE GETS KIX
FROM KID PIX,' 'YODA BEATS TRUMAN, WIFE.' Another more recent
article showed a mug shot of the creature looking bleary-eyed and
hung over, the headline solemnly declaring, 'WARMED-OVER GROVER
"Jesus Christ," Luke said. "You've had some problems haven't
The thing was already stirring a new pot of some kind of
liquid, which was being dispensed drop by drop from an elaborate
still. "Rootleaf. For Jedi it is time to drink as well."
"Haven't you had enough? Your tolerance can't be very high.
How much do you weigh?"
The thing turned and glared at him, its eyes opening and its
ears raising. "Judge me by my weight, do you? One cup of Rootleaf
and under the table would you be, ignorant schmuck."
"You've obviously never tried Tatooine Womp Dog. I sucked
that from my mother's tit. Or Romulan ale."
"Womp Dog? Heh! Romulan ale? Heh! A Jedi craves not these
drinks." The creature's eyes narrowed.
"I guess they're not ready for the hard stuff."
"Ready? What know you of ready? For 800 years have I drank
Rootleaf. My own counsel will I keep on what is to be drunk!" The
thing smacked Luke sharply with its gimer stick. Luke yelped and
fell back against the wall, holding his bloody nose.
Slowly, the creature hobbled over to a cupboard. It removed
two shotglasses and set them on a small table. It filled them both
Luke slowly crawled to the table. "Alright, you fuckin'
toasted muppet. Let's have a few drinks." Luke downed the
Rootleaf in a single gulp. He grimaced at the potency of the
stuff, nearly gagging. The thing smiled, and downed its own glass
Luke lay on the floor in a stupor, coughing up phlegm and
watching the ceiling spin wildly. His clothing was caked with
vomitus, most of it his own.
Yoda stood over him, prying his eyelids open with his gimer
stick. "Why wish you become Jedi?"
Luke coughed, his brain reeling. "Mostly 'cos...hrrlphhh...
"Impress girls you wanted? Get pussy?"
"Fuck girls...Han, old buddy...car accident...facial
"To become a Jedi requires the deepest commitment. The most
Luke rolled over, his tongue dragging on the floor. "Fuck it
then, I'm bolting...sllhhphhh...Corvette Summer..."
Yoda grimaced in disgust, and spat a sharp yellow lunger into
Luke's ear. Turning from him, he spoke to the ceiling. "I cannot
teach him. The boy has no tolerance."
Ben's disembodied voice echoed through the hovel. "ROOTLEAF
KICKED MY ASS WHEN I FIRST TRIED IT. DID YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE ABLE
TO BALANCE PLATES ON HIS HEAD?"
"He is too old. Yes, too old to begin training."
"COME ON, THIS IS MY BOOGIE. DON'T BE A TIGHT-ASS."
"Want him back, you do? Old faggot."
"HE'S CUTE, ALRIGHT. IF YOU CAN TEACH HIM SOMETHING ABOUT THE
FORCE, I FIGURED MAYBE HE'D...COME BACK TO ME."
"My incentive is what?"
"HIS DAD IS RICH."
"RICH, POWERFUL. IF YOU COULD TRAIN HIM THE REWARD WOULD
"WELL, MORE BOOZE THAN YOU CAN DRINK."
"Don't know, drink quite a bit can I."
"YOU'LL GET IT."
Yoda turned back to Luke, who was still on his side, babbling
"Get off your ass, George...THX...Slipstream..."
Yoda pried Luke's mouth open with his stick, silencing his
mumblings. Then he jammed the stick violently down Luke's throat,
triggering his gag reflex. Luke's whole body contorted wildly and
hot bile began to pour out of his mouth. It spread in a large pool
on the floor. Yoda quickly levitated, keeping himself clear. He
"Bad on the outside I thought you smelled."
Luke was jolted back to consciousness by a feeling of
constricted breathing. Yoda was standing on his chest, holding a
sheaf of paper. They were next to the bog, where the X-wing lay
half-submerged. Luke's temples were filled with a deafening
pounding, as if a thousand Death Stars were exploding in his
forehead. He pushed Yoda away weakly.
"How long have I been out?"
"2 days. Told you I did." Yoda dropped the papers onto
Luke's forehead. "Read."
Luke collected the sheets and groggily attempted to focus his
eyes. Slowly, he began to see words:
Frequently Asked Questions--updated 7054.2
1. What is the Force?
The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy
field generated by living things. It surrounds us, it
penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together.
2. Penetrates us?
You know what I mean.
3. That's very cute, but why should I be interested?
The Force can be your ticket to fame, fortune, longevity, and
most of all--PUSSY.
4. Is there a down side?
Not so much a down side as a Dark side. Of the Force, that
is. Easily does it flow. Quick to join you in a fight.
Anger, fear, aggression, the Dark side are they. Once you
start down the Dark path, forever will it dominate your
destiny. Consume you it will! Metaphorically speaking.
5. Is the Dark side stronger?
No. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
6. But how am I to know the Good side from the Bad?
You will know, when you are calm. At peace. Passive.
7. What a buncha horseshit. That doesn't sound like a very
good way to get chicks, now does it?
Of course not. Anger, fear, aggression--cultivate them,
and you'll get more ass than a toilet seat. Chicks say they
don't dig all that macho crap, but really they do.
8. So the Dark side is the way to go?
IMHO, yes, unless you're some kind of neo-moralist jackoff.
If so, stop reliving the Clone Wars in your head and get with
the times. Sex is better with a partner. Trust us.
9. If Jedis are so cool and get so much pussy, what happened
to them? Huh? Answer me that.
Okay, smart ass. Being a Jedi requires a certain commitment
to romanticized, self-destructive nihilism. A Jedi figures
life is a vale of shit, so you might as well stay stoned for
as much of it as you can. And fuck all the time. Fuck
everything that moves. If you can't fuck it, kill it. If you
can't do either, it's irrelevant. With this kind of world-
view, is it any wonder the Jedis all burned out? Think, man.
10. I can use the Force to move shit around, right?
Yep. Pour drinks, change channels, unhook bras, take
down zippers, lock doors, unlock doors. The possibilities are
11. So what happens when a Jedi dies?
Ooh, the philosophical stuff. Some Jedis just die and that's
it. But the real badasses live on in a kind of bluescreened
twilight zone. They can talk to people, read their minds.
That might sound boring, but it's actually pretty cool. In
short, strike a good Jedi down and he'll become more powerful
than you can possibly imagine.
12. You've sold me. Is there anything else I should know?
Nothing but the official Jedi drinking song:
'We're quicker and stronger and hung like a horse
We're marching buck naked and hard with the Force
Lightsabers buzz in our powerful hands
We'll cut off your pecker and issue demands
We'll drive really wasted and crash into trees
We'll open your scrotum and stuff it with bees
We'll choke on our vomit, and spit up pea soup
Before we take Y-wings to hell and regroup!'
Luke leafed quickly through the remaining pages, all of which
were occupied by lyrics.
"Christ, how long is this song?"
"Learn it you must. On this all depends."
"If there are no other Jedis, who can I sing it with? And
it'll take hours. You can't have a drinking song that takes
"No more questions. You must unlearn what you have learned.
Now, your short arm present." Yoda tapped his stick on the ground,
Luke reluctantly reached into his pants and pulled out his
penis. "Ta da."
Yoda examined it, frowning. "No imagination have you. Boring
are your fantasies. 'I wanna feel your hot come all up in my ass.'
Heh! Pathetic it is. You must feel the Force around you. Life
creates it, makes it grow. Luminous beings are we, not this crude
matter." Yoda pinched Luke's penis sharply. "Now, salvage your
ship you must."
"What? I don't have a crane."
"Hear you nothing that I say?"
"What, is your brain made of rubber? Doing parlor tricks with
urine is one thing, moving a ship is totally different."
"No!" Yoda belched. "No different. Only different in your
"I don't go for that solipsistic crap. But I'll give it a try
if it'll make you happy."
"No, try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
"I'll try to remember that."
"Your ass you watch, Skywalker."
Luke closed his eyes and began masturbating, trying to channel
the Force. In his fantasy, he was on Hoth once again. This time
he saw Han, cresting a snowdrift on a Tauntaun, completely nude...
"How ya feeling, kid?" Han's smile made Luke forget about the
"A meteorite hit the ground near here. You wanna check it
"Sure, kid." Han offered an arm. "Jump up."
Luke sat behind Han, clutching his rippling stomach, feeling
the snow melting on his tongue as they flew over the blinding white
landscape. Within the fantasy, he heard Yoda's voice:
"Feel the Force, do you?"
"I feel something."
"Flow easily, does it?"
"Nah. Pretty tough."
"The Good side. Try again."
"Okay...okay...it's coming a lot easier, now."
Han turned around and glanced at Luke. "Who ya talkin' to,
"Don't interrupt. This is my fantasy."
They soon came upon the meteorite crater, which was still
steaming with the heat of the impact. At the bottom of the crater,
however, was no meteorite, but rather an ornate four-poster bed.
Han eased the Tauntaun down the slope. Luke leaped off, landing on
the bed, tingling in anticipation.
Han dismounted. As soon as he did, the Tauntaun gave out a
loud death rattle and collapsed on the bed next to Luke.
Luke smiled. "Looks like we're stuck here."
"Looks that way, kid. What should we do?"
"Well," Luke said, holding his lightsaber out to Han, "We're
gonna need someplace warm and toasty to bed down."
Han took the saber. "I can arrange that." He quickly ignited
the weapon and sliced the Tauntaun's belly open, spilling its
intestines onto the bed. Plunging his hands into the wound, he
pulled out as many internal organs as he could, until he'd created
a sizable cavity. "About your size, huh kid?"
Luke slipped into the steaming carcass, craving the sensuous
feel of the blood and viscera on his naked skin. He snuggled
inside, then held a flap of skin open for Han. "Hurry up, I don't
know how long I can hold myself."
"Take it easy, kid," Han drawled, crawling in next to Luke,
"Fuck casual." Han pulled the flap of hide down, enclosing them
both. Yoda's voice sounded out again.
"Fucked up shit, this is."
"Lay off, I feel the Force."
"But control it, can you?"
"I know what I'm doing. Think this is the first time I've
done it in a Tauntaun?" Luke groped Han's naked form in the dark,
digging his fingernails into his back. Then, unexpectedly, he
found Han's back was covered with fur. An unusual grunting sound
bored its way into Luke's ear.
"Han? Han, is that you?"
The grunting became a deafening howl. Luke screamed, and
scrambled out of the Tauntaun onto the bed. The carcass bulged
grotesquely, then exploded, revealing the enormous form of a
"Fuck!" Before he could escape, Luke was hoisted into the air
by the beast, then brought down hard onto its enormous prick, which
jammed its way agonizingly up Luke's ass. Luke screamed. The
Wampa began sodomizing him violently, roaring in triumph as its
white pelt became stained with blood.
"Fuck this fantasy!" Luke snapped himself out of it and
collapsed to the wet earth of Dagobah. He smelled himself and
frowned in disgust, realizing that he had evacuated his bowels in
his pants. He looked at the bog just in time to see the prow of
the X-wing disappearing beneath the water.
Yoda shook his head. "Control, control. You must learn
"We'll never get the ship out, now. We're gonna have to hire
"So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done."
"You want to give it a shot? Be my guest."
Yoda frowned, then removed a small flask of Rootleaf from his
robe and drained it. Coughing loudly, he threw the flask aside and
extended his hand.
Luke smirked. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
Yoda closed his eyes and concentrated. A bulge began to form
at his groin, pushing its way outward. The water above the ship
began to bubble. Luke's eyes widened in amazement...
"I don't believe it." Luke shook his head in disbelief.
"Hey, I don't set the rates, pal." The foreman adjusted his
hard hat and scratched himself.
"I could almost buy my own ship for that."
"In this swamp?"
"Alright, alright." Luke pulled out a bag of credits and
began counting them out.
The foreman turned to his crew. "Okay, boys. Get it hooked
up." A group of workers dove into the water, holding the ends of
several cables. The cables ran to the top of an enormous hydraulic
crane which was perched at the bank.
When he was done paying, Luke stood over Yoda's unconscious
form and kicked it. "Fucking extortionists. Hey, wake up,
Yoda's eyes fluttered open. He spoke woozily. "Luke, you
must complete the training."
"And waste more cash? No way, you'll have to look for fresh
meat, buddy. You're worse than Kenobi. A real Sugar Daddy is
supposed to pay for stuff. You're fuckin' broke. As soon as my
fighter is above water, I'm setting sail."
Yoda struggled to his feet. "You must not go. Our last hope
"I thought there was another?"
"Red herring. You're it."
"Well that's too bad. I'm not in this Jedi stuff for the
Rebellion, and I'm not in it for you. I expect to be compensated
for all the shit I've been through. I'm in it for the sex and the
"And your friends? If you leave now, help them you could,
but..." Yoda's eyes rolled up into his head and he collapsed to
the ground, regurgitating his lunch.
"Shit, I should've listened to the droid. I thought Tatooine
was bad. I'm gonna come back in the Death Star and erase this
Suddenly, Luke felt a strange sensation on the back of his
neck. "Wait a second. All of a sudden I feel warmth. Love. Are
you doing that?"
Yoda shook his head, pointing. "That place is strong with the
Good side of the Force." Luke followed his finger to an enormous
tree, under which was the opening to a cave. "In you must go."
"What's in there?"
"Only what you take with you."
"Why should I be interested in seeing a malfunctioning
lightsaber, a pack of cigarettes, and a pair of soiled underwear?"
"Just go in, you sonofabitch. Important it is."
"Alright, alright." Luke walked toward the tree.
"Your weapons. You will not need them."
Luke gripped his saber tightly. "Sure. And next time you go
skydiving, don't bother with a chute. You won't need that."
"Your attitude. Won't need that either. Stick it up your
ass." Yoda lay back down, sighing and rubbing his forehead.
Luke flicked Yoda off and climbed down into the cave. The
interior was covered with snakes and insects. He began walking
down a dark passageway, finding that the further in he went, the
stronger the feeling of goodness became. It made his flesh crawl.
"Man, what am I doing down here? Han was right, maybe this
Jedi crap is nowhere."
Luke began to detect light at the end of the passageway. It
was seeping out from under an old-fashioned wooden door. Slowly,
he approached it, and pushed the door open.
Inside was a warmly-lit dining room. At the head of the table
was Darth Vader. But instead of his normal black garb, he was
outfitted entirely in white. Across from him was an attractive
woman in her early thirties. Two children sat on either side of
them, a boy and a girl. Luke stopped in his tracks. In his head,
Ben's voice boomed.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
"In some cave somewhere."
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT?
THIS IS THE SPECTER OF CHRISTMAS PAST IN THE SKYWALKER
HOUSEHOLD, 16 YEARS AGO.
I SHIT YOU NOT. THERE'S YOUR DAD, YOUR MOM, YOUR SISTER, AND
"Luke," Darth said, speaking to the young boy, "Pass the
gravy, would you?"
"Yes, father," the boy replied smilingly, fulfilling the
request. "We are all happy, aren't we, father?"
"Frightfully happy, son. Don't you agree, dear?"
The woman looked up from her plate, beaming and ruffling the
boy's hair. "Yes, dear. Horribly happy."
Little Luke bounced in his chair with glee. "It's as if
somebody set up a happy forcefield around our house that makes us
"Someone did, Luke," Vader replied. "Someone did."
"Who, father? Please tell me so I can thank him."
"Jesus did, my son. On the day of his birth, he has blessed
us with a happy forcefield. As long as it doesn't malfunction,
we'll be happy forever."
"Thank you, Jesus. I hope the forcefield stays up forever and
ever! I never want to leave!" The boy shoveled forkfuls of turkey
into his mouth.
"Mother?" Leia said. "Do you think I will be a mommy too
Mother smiled. "When the time comes, you may find someone to
start a family with. A very special someone whom you love very
"Daddy!" Leia cried. "I want to start one with Daddy!"
The entire family laughed warmly.
Leia piped up again. "Will my family also be covered by the
Mother smiled again. "Well, that depends on the effective
radius of the field, honey. I don't know the exact
Luke stood motionless in the doorway. A tear rolled down his
cheek. "What is this, Ben?"
THIS IS YOUR DEEPEST DESIRE. YOUR WARMEST WISH. TO BE A
YOUNG BOY WITH YOUR FAMILY AGAIN.
"Was this what my childhood was really like?"
"But you told me my mother was a spice addict and a whore.
You said my father was one of her johns on Outpost Beta. You said
she tried to abort me with a beamdrill, but ended up killing
herself instead, and that I was raised in the whorehouse by the
other whores. You said they dressed me up as a girl for the first
5 years of my life. Then you said they hid me on a freighter your
brother Owen was serving on, and that he adopted me and took me to
Tatooine when he retired."
I...NEVER SAID THAT.
"Yes, you did."
WELL...WHAT I SAID WAS TRUE...FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW.
IT'S KINDA PHILOSOPHICAL, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN.
"You were making it up as you went along."
NO, NO, NO...
Vader wiped a spot of giblet gravy off his mask, and clapped
his hands together. "Children, after dinner, would you like me to
read you some more of your bedtime story?"
"Oh, yes, Daddy!" Leia clapped.
"Yes, father," Luke said. "I hope the story never ends!"
Vader laughed. "Well, Marlow has to get to the end of the
"No! I want the magic river to go on forever!" Luke began
"Now, son, every story has to end. But don't worry. There
are lots of other stories."
Luke broke into a grin again. "Yay!"
Older Luke shook his head in disbelief. "This is
unbelievable. This can't be my deepest fantasy."
EVERYONE HAS TO FACE DOWN THEIR PERSONAL DEMONS.
"Well, I'm facing it. What do I do now?"
WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU MUST DO IT ALONE. I CANNOT INTERFERE.
Luke shrugged. "Thanks for nothing, then. I guess this is
some kind of test. So, like, they can't see or hear me, right?"
SURE THEY CAN. THEY'VE JUST BEEN IGNORING YOU.
BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY.
"Okay, then. I'll make my presence a little more
unavoidable." Luke ran into the room, did a forward somersault,
and landed on top of the turkey, smashing it. He kicked the food
and dishes off the table, making a tremendous mess. He ignited his
saber and brandished it at the family.
"Right! Any of you fuckin' pricks move, and I'll execute
every motherfuckin' last one of ya!"
Vader stood up indignantly. "Young man, what do you mean by
interrupting my family's Christmas dinner, destroying our carefully
arranged table, and using such coarse language in front of
Young Luke tugged on his father's cape. "Daddy, what's
Leia tugged on the other side. "What's a 'prick,' Daddy?
Will you show me one?"
Vader jerked his cape free. "Look what you've done, boy.
You've corrupted their minds." He ignited his saber. "Honey,
kids, I'd like you to go to the other room. There's no need for
you to see this."
Luke gripped his saber tightly, readying himself. "Come on,
Darth, they have to learn about the Dark side sometime. Kids,
allow me to introduce you to one of my best friends--Violent,
Luke swung his saber in a wide arc, beheading both children in
one stroke. Their heads rolled to opposite ends of the room, while
the tiny bodies sprayed blood over the tablecloth.
Vader stepped up onto the table, facing Luke. "Boy, do you
realize how much effort my wife and I put into those?"
Luke grunted, sweating. "Father?"
"I want to kill you."
In response, Vader swing his saber at Luke's head. Luke
parried, feinted, and struck Vader at the neck, beheading him as
well. The white-clad body collapsed, while the head rolled up
against one of Luke's feet.
"I can't believe it! That was so easy!"
Luke glanced down at Vader's head. As he watched, the
faceplate exploded. The smoke cleared, revealing Luke's own face
staring back up at him.
"Holy shit!" Luke exclaimed. "It's me!"
"Who did you expect? Chuck Woolery?" the face asked. "This
is the oldest one in the book. This symbolizes how you're fighting
"Am I winning?"
"You're doing alright. You're not quite finished, yet,
though. One last thing."
"Right." Luke turned to his mother, who was shaking in fear.
"Mother, I want to...FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT, YEAH!!" Luke picked up
the head and set it on the table, where it could have an
unobstructed view. Then he unzipped his pants and leapt onto his
mother, knocking her chair over. Ignoring her screams, he ripped
her skirt in half and pulled her underwear off. Without
hesitation, he pulled his cock free of his pants and plunged it
into her vagina.
"Well, Dad," Luke said, pumping his mother as hard as he
could, "This must be symbolic of something too, right?"
The severed head looked on and shook itself resignedly. "I
don't even want to get into it."
Luke settled into a relaxed rhythm, feeling his balls tighten.
"Hey, my mom isn't too bad."
"Yeah, she can get pretty wild. Catholic."
"No shit?" Luke's clothes were stained with sweat. He
delighted at the sensations of her vagina, which seemed somehow
attuned to the most sensitive spots on his penis. "Man, no wonder
I was cryin' when I was born. Wouldn't mind spending another nine
months in here. Hey, mom."
She looked up at him, a somewhat glazed expression on her
face. "Yes, dear."
"How do you feel about all this?"
"Well," she sighed, "better with me than with some stranger.
You know your father and I wanted only the best for you. But why
exactly are you doing this?"
"It's a Jedi thing, mom. You wouldn't understand." Luke
abruptly withdrew and held his penis over her mouth. "Now lemme
give you something to wash that turkey down with." Gritting his
teeth, he ejaculated directly into her throat. She gagged
"So how was it, mom?"
She wiped her mouth with a napkin. "About the same as your
father. A bit more alkaline."
"Hey, if I had stayed in, and you got pregnant, what would it
be? My brother or my kid?"
"I have no idea. Why?"
"Just asking." Luke dragged himself to his feet slowly,
zipping himself up. Casually, he reached over for his lightsaber,
ignited it, and sliced his mother in half from her cunt to the top
of her head. By the time the perfectly bisected halves were
finished twitching, Luke's entire uniform was stained crimson.
"Well," Luke said, spitting and wiping blood from his eyes.
"I believe I've made my point."
Luke shook his head as he watched Dagobah slowly recede in the
rear-view mirror of his X-wing. "What a fuckin' rip off."
R2's frustrated voice drifted out of the translator. "YOU
FACED YOUR DEMONS, DIDN'T YOU?"
"I did what felt right."
"THEN SHUT UP AND BE HAPPY."
"I don't know." Luke slapped his malfunctioning cock against
the control panel, trying to get it to soften. "Maybe I'm not as
strong as the Emperor thought."
"LIVE AND LEARN. SO ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING, THAT SWAMP
MONSTER HAD A PROLAPSED ASSHOLE, AND IT TOOK ME ANOTHER FEW HOURS
TO GET OUT OF HIS INTESTINES. HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU FOR THAT
EXPERIENCE? WOULD YOU LIKE LESS OXYGEN, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"
"A simple thank you will do."
"GOSH, I WISH I COULD SUCK YOUR DICK FROM BACK HERE."
"You could, but it's an expensive upgrade."
"HAVEN'T THEY DISCOVERED SARCASM ON TATOOINE YET?"
"Try using sarcasm on a Tuskan Raider sticking his prick in
your mouth in an Anchorhead strip-joint."
"ANYTHING WOULD BE PREFERABLE TO SQUATTING IN THIS CAN WITH
"Well, I'm glad we finally agree on something."
There was a long silence. Luke finally gave up on his penis
and let go of it. It stood up firmly in front of him, implacable
and straight as a monolith. "Before I couldn't get it hard enough.
Now it won't get soft. What fuckin' dark star was I born under?"
"MY HEART IS PUMPING PISSWATER FOR YOU. HEY, WOULD YOU
ACTUALLY LIKE TO HEAD IN A PARTICULAR DIRECTION, OR DO YOU JUST
WANT TO GO IN A STRAIGHT LINE UNTIL WE HIT SOMETHING?"
"Set a course, I guess."
"Oh..." Luke waved his hand at the starfield before him.
"Third star on the left."
"THE LEFT OF WHAT?"
"And straight on 'til morning."
"DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOW UP THE SHIP? I WILL. I'LL FUCKIN' DO
IT. DON'T PUSH ME."
"Hold off on that for now. Just pick a nice, close system."
"WHY NOT BLOW IT UP? GIVE ME A GOOD REASON. ARE YOU
BEGINNING TO SEE THE VALUE OF LIFE? HAS OBI-WAN TAUGHT YOU WELL?
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LEARN THE WAYS OF THE FORCE AND BECOME A JEDI
LIKE YOUR FATHER? CAN YOU REALLY, FINALLY SEE THE REMOTE? HAVE
YOU TAKEN YOUR FIRST STEP INTO A LARGER WORLD?"
"Nah," Luke flicked at his penis, bored. "I just want to get
out somewhere and piss."
"THE CHANCES OF SUCCESSFULLY PISSING WITH A 12 INCH
BIOMECHANICAL HARD-ON ARE APPROXIMATELY 3720 TO 1."
Luke sighed as he reached to flip off the translator. "Never
tell me the odds."