Luke Skywalker, still in the stasis chamber of his Imperial
Shuttle, slowly became cognizant of certain noises being made
outside. He had been dreaming of spice blows and Bantha tipping on
his long-vaporized home planet of Tatooine. Without opening his
eyes, he belched and rolled over, trying to ignore the sounds and
slip back into his pleasant REM state.
He heard mostly snatches of conversation. "...alive? There
goes our salvage...Not a bad-looking...see the season finale?
Yeah, that...time ago, in a galaxy...actually this is episode 4..."
Luke was awakened once and for all when the transparent hatch
of his chamber was abruptly yanked open. Twitching in the freezing
air, he blinked up at the offending parties.
"There better be a great fuckin' explanation for this."
Three men stood above him, each wearing pressure suits in the
cold of the darkened shuttle cabin. One pulled off his gloves and
spoke. "You were adrift, Mr. Skywalker. We're picking you up."
"How the hell do you know who I am?"
"We've been looking for you for a while."
"How long have I been out?" Luke adjusted his nightgown to
more demurely cover his lingering hypnopompic hard-on.
"57 weeks, sir."
"Are you assholes with the network?"
The man laughed. "Yeah. You fuckin' wish." With that, he
produced a small rectangular device with a tiny gleaming metallic
prod on the end. He shoved it violently into Luke's left ear, and
pressed a button. A buzzing sound ensued, and Luke was overcome
with a pain so intense I'm not even going to bother trying to
Luke awoke to find himself in complete darkness. He probed
around in the void, attempting to determine his surroundings. He
appeared to be sealed in some sort of cargo hold. He began banging
on the walls, yelling.
"Hey! What is this happy horseshit?! I'm a Jedi! Didn't you
see my card?"
In response, he heard a familiar laugh echoing from above. He
could immediately visualize the endearing, lopsided grin of the
"I know that laugh. Han, old buddy! What's going on? Lemme
out of here!"
"'Fraid not, kid. You know, I usually use these compartments
for smuggling. Never thought I'd smuggle a traitorous fuckin'
asshole in them."
"I'm on the Falcon?"
"That's right, kid. We had our boys out searching for you for
weeks. They found you and brought you on board."
"Come on, Han. Whatever you're pissed off about, it was a
long time ago. Somebody put you up to this. It was Leia, wasn't
it? You're not still fucking her, are you?"
Han's voice quieted down a bit. "Leave her out of this."
Luke smirked in the dark. "Oh, yeah. Somebody's whipped."
"I'm not whipped."
Luke imitated a whip sound. "Oh, yeah. She's crackin' it
over your ass, but good, boy. She lettin' you sleep in the big
"Maintaining a healthy love relationship ain't like dusting
Luke laughed. "Where'd you read that, 'Woman's World'? In a
healthy relationship, you've got your hands on your own stick, you
control your destiny, you dump your load in the field every so
often and then fly the fuck outta there. It's precisely like crop-
dusting. Man, you're whipped so bad you can't even think through
your analogies. Isn't that right, Han? Han?"
Luke realized that Han had already left just as the ship
lurched into hyperspace. He sighed, propped himself up against one
of the compartment walls, and began doing what any normal man would
do in the same situation.
In the main hangar of the Rebel base on Hoth, Han Solo eased
the Falcon into a tight parking spot between a Rebel Transport and
a Y-Wing, doing only minimal damage to both. When the ship had
come to a complete stop, he leaned back in his command chair and
pulled off his gloves, grinning.
"Ooh, yeah. Sometimes I amaze even myself."
Chewie, sitting in the co-pilots chair, grunted sarcastically.
"Raauughh rreaarooww." (Wow, I'm so impressed. Can I hold your
Han strode into the aft of the ship. When he reached the
section of floor which held his smuggling compartments, he pulled
a crowbar from an adjacent tool closet and began prying at the
bulkheads. Chewie watched over his shoulder.
Han grunted as he pushed on the bar. "Damn, these are on
tight. I hope he's alive. Leia didn't want her prize damaged."
Chewie guffawed. "Raarragga reeuuughar." (I wonder what he's
been doing for the past three and a half weeks.)
When Han finally pulled the lid loose, the most godawful
stench he had ever come across in all his years of galactic travel
surged out of the dank hole and hit him like a sledge hammer.
"Holy Fuckamole!" He stumbled back, coughing. Chewie pressed
a paw against his nose, growling in protest.
Han tied a handkerchief over his face and fiddled with a
flashlight he had attached to his belt. "Guess I should have
opened this thing at some point. But I figured, if you don't feed
him, how much can he shit?" He finally flipped the flashlight on,
and its tiny beam pierced the darkness of the berth.
Luke, emaciated and nude, scuttled like a cockroach into one
corner, trying to avoid the light. The entire floor of the cabin
was covered with several sedimentary layers of semen, urine, feces,
and other types of effluent as-yet-unknown to science.
Han whistled. "How ya feelin' kid? You don't look so bad to
me. In fact you look strong enough to..."
Luke blinked up at him in rage, trying to remember how to form
words. "Pu...pull the...ears off a...gundark?"
Han smirked behind his hankie. "I was gonna say hose out this
berth. You left a hell of a mess. Where's your nightgown?"
"Yummy. Well, you better have something to wear. Hoth can
get a bit cold." Han pulled a small apron and garden hose from the
tool closet. "Alright, kid, time to get to work. Now I'm gonna
put this little apron on you..."
When he reached down with the apron, Luke snarled viciously
like an animal. Han started back and handed the apron to Chewie.
"Okay, Chewie, you put the apron on him."
Chewie barked. "Reeeuuugarah." (Part the hair on my ass and
lick my perennial divide.) He dropped the apron and lumbered away.
Han threw the hose down into the hole. "Fuck the apron. No
sense in being modest now. Clean yourself while you're at it. The
Emperor wants to meet you."
Luke coughed. "He's...dead."
"Not, that Emperor, dickhead. General Riekaan. Newly
proclaimed Emperor of the Rebellion. He is your master now."
A triumphal march accompanied Han, Chewie, and Luke (in
chains, and still naked) as they entered the Great Reception Hall.
It was an enormous ice chamber with a ceiling 150 feet up.
Thousands of Rebel Troops were lined up along the thoroughfare,
applauding. Luke blinked at them. He had seen pictures of Rebels
before, but he didn't remember their uniforms being like this.
Most of the soldiers were nearly nude, wearing only loin cloths and
war paint. Severed ears, fingers, and genitals hung from the
barrels of their blasters.
Luke muttered to himself. "I have a...bad feeling..."
Han turned on his heel and kneed Luke in the groin, felling
him. The crowd cheered. "No talking, kid. Just listen to the
music. Emperor Riekaan had it written specially for today."
Chewie picked up Luke's chain and began dragging him along.
Luke writhed in pain, his skin being rubbed raw by the icy
floor. He rolled onto his back. "Are these...Rebels?"
Han laughed. "Some people call them that. But these are all
really his children, man. Now shut up."
Luke managed to pull himself to his feet. As they reached the
end of the chamber, he saw that they were approaching a raised dais
with an ice throne in the center. A rather fat, completely bald
man was slumped on the throne. A young girl was kneeling in front
of him, giving the man a languid handjob. His pink penis stood up
through the crotch of his baggy black pants.
Luke suddenly stumbled over something in his path. As he
looked back at it, he saw that it was a severed human head. In
fact, heads were scattered everywhere.
Han noticed Luke's shock. "The heads. You're lookin' at the
heads, right kid? Pretty rough, huh?"
The fat man looked up with heavy-lidded eyes at Luke. The
girl who was giving him a handjob turned--revealing herself to be
none other than Leia. The man waved her brusquely away. To Luke's
astonishment, his usually ultra-bitchy sister acquiesced without a
word, pausing only to smirk triumphantly at her pathetic-looking
brother. Taking a couple of golden medallions from an ornate
chest, she gently hung them around Han and Chewie's necks,
delighting the assembly. Han winked and wagged his tongue at Leia,
who beamed back at him.
Emperor Riekaan raised one hand slightly, bringing the crowd
to a dead silence. He resumed Leia's handjob duties himself,
slowly stroking his prick. He leered at Luke and spoke in a deep,
resonant voice. "Where are you from, Skywalker?"
Han kicked Luke to his knees in front of Riekaan. Luke
grimaced in pain and answered. "Tatooine, sir."
Riekaan rubbed his bald pate. "How far are you from the
"There's a river on Tatooine?"
"Well we were either pretty far away, or my uncle was in the
Riekaan looked up at Luke, focusing his eyes carefully. "Are
you an assassin?"
"I'm a Jedi."
"You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks
to collect a bill."
"Well, technically I never finished the Jedi course, but man,
I haven't worked in collection in years."
"Silence!!" With one last stroke of his cock, a small spring
of semen bubbled up from between Riekaan's thumb and forefinger.
He examined it morosely. "I...I...Baby made a mess." The crowd
immediately burst into rabid applause and whistles.
Leia approached with a tissue and began wiping the come away.
She petted Riekaan's head lovingly. "It's okay, Baby. Mommy will
clean it up. Yes she will." She snapped her fingers and a group
of naked male adolescent attendants emerged from the right side of
the hall. With some difficulty, they hoisted Riekaan's throne onto
their shoulders and carried it away.
Luke shook his head, watching the entourage leave. "Man, if
this bunch of fuckheads gives the galaxy a 'new hope', I'd hate to
see what gets it really bummed."
Luke floated calmly, immersed in the viscous red healing fluid
commonly known as 'bacta.' His tank stood in the completely
automated Hoth medical center. Sucking air slowly from his
breathing apparatus, he had nearly forgotten about the rather dire
predicament he was in. If they were trying to heal him, it could
only be for the purpose of allowing him to endure the further
torture and humiliation they had in store. But all those thoughts
evaporated in the glutinous womb of the bacta tank. At least until
his sister's distorted face abruptly materialized outside the
glass, jolting him back to reality. She banged on the tank.
"Hey, bro. Good stuff, huh?" She ascended a small stepladder
next to the tank, opened a hatch in the top, and dipped her finger
into the bacta. She put the finger in her mouth, tasting it.
"Mmm...It's okay, but it needs something." She sat casually on the
stepladder, beating a lazy rhythm on the tank with her fingers.
Luke glared at her, but was unable to speak with the breathing
apparatus stuck in his mouth. He reached into the recesses of his
mind, trying to dredge up some of his Jedi telepathic training and
project his thoughts into Leia's mind.
Leia appeared not to have registered it. "You know the man
really likes you? He does. He has something in mind for you
Aren't you curious about that? I'm curious."
CAN YOU HEAR ME, BITCH? COME IN, BITCH.
"Hey, Luke, I know something that you don't know."
THAT YOU HAD YOUR TONGUE SURGICALLY EXTENDED? THE WHOLE
QUADRANT KNOWS THAT.
Leia got a faraway look in her eyes. "The Emperor is clear in
his mind, but his soul is mad. He's dying, I think."
I AM OVERCOME WITH GRIEF. MY ASSHOLE BLEEDS CRIMSON TEARS.
"The man reads poetry out loud, you know?"
HEY, I KNOW SOME POETRY. 'THE GIRL IN DOCKING BAY FOUR...'
"In a voice...a voice. He likes you 'cause you're still
'IS THE GREATEST OF BRIGIAN WHORES...'
"No, no. I'm not gonna help you. You're gonna help him."
'FOR 200 CREDITS...'
"I mean, what are they gonna say about him when he's gone,
man? When it dies, he dies. What are they gonna say about him?
He was a kind man? He was a wise man?"
'SHE'LL LET YOU IMBED IT...'
"He had plans, he had wisdom..."
'TIL SHE'S LEAKING YOUR GOO FROM HER PORES.'
"Bullshit, man! Am I gonna be the one who's gonna set
everybody straight?" She squeezed her breasts in frustration.
"Look at me--wrong!" She leaned close to the tank and pointed at
WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?
"Oh, nothing important." Leia stood up on top of the
stepladder, over the open hatch in the tank. "You know, I heard it
as 'Sweating your goo from her pores.' But I guess 'leaking' is
alright. And it reminded me what's missing from your cocktail."
She shimmied halfway out of her pants and squatted over the hatch.
Her urethra emitted a golden stream into the red of the tank.
Luke sighed helplessly as the yellow cloud descended over him.
He definitely wouldn't forget this.
After much squirming, Luke was finally able to slip out of his
restraints and float to the top of the tank with his head above the
bacta. He ripped off his breathing tubes and sucked in the stale
air. Just as he accomplished this, three ancient-looking droids
wheeled themselves into the medical bay. They had distinctly
female features, and appeared to have been designed for domestic
Luke wiped the goop from his eyes and blinked at the trio.
"Man, the rebellion must be pretty low on funds. Where'd they dig
up you old fossils?" The droids croaked their responses in
FIRST DROID: "All hail, Skywalker! Hail to thee, Thane of
SECOND DROID: "All hail, Skywalker! Hail to thee, Thane of Endor!"
THIRD DROID: "All hail, Skywalker, that shalt be Emperor
Luke was somewhat bewildered. "Prophesies, huh? But what's
FIRST DROID: "Thou shalt be Thane of Endor!"
"Is it like a manager or something?"
ALL THREE: "All hail, Skywalker!"
"What kind of income bracket are we talking about? And shit,
I've never even been to Endor. The Empire wasn't going to colonize
it until they got that Ewok infestation under control. And what do
you mean, I'm gonna be Emperor? Is this a joke? Han, are you back
FIRST DROID: "No joke, asshole."
SECOND DROID: "Humor is a difficult concept."
THIRD DROID: "We say sooth. Your future, fuckface."
FIRST DROID: "And we didn't say you deserved it."
SECOND DROID: "Hell, no."
THIRD DROID: "We are incapable of feeling emotion. But if we
could, I'm sure we'd hate your rotten ass."
Luke spat. "Well, I appreciate the sooth. Now why don't you
go back to your scrap heap and let me convalesce?"
ALL THREE: "All hail, Skywalker! All hail, Thane of Endor!"
"Yeah, thanks." Luke waved them away. "Run along, now."
Without another sound, the three droids wheeled out of the bay,
leaving him alone again. He shook his head. "Man, they've got
some weird transistors going in this place. Emperor, huh?" Luke
laughed and let himself slip back down into the bacta.
Two rebel regulars dumped Luke unceremoniously in the tiny
cubicle which masqueraded as his quarters. Riekaan had had him
tortured for several days now, without any apparent goal in mind
other than his complete demoralization, degradation, and
Luke looked up woozily at the soldiers. "They didn't even ask
me any questions. You guys wanna ask me something? Go ahead,
please. Anything. You wanna know how you piss in a stormtrooper
suit? Huh? You wanna know what the 'TIE' in TIE fighter stands
for? It stands for 'Twin Ion..."
His revelation was cut short by a boot to his temple. One of
the guards let a long lunger drizzle down onto Luke's face. "Shut
up, Imperial scum."
Luke rubbed his bloody temple as the guards left. "See you
tomorrow." Slowly, agonizingly, he pulled himself to his feet and
sat on the edge of his tiny bed. The door to his closet was
slightly open in front of him. With some difficulty, he pulled off
his pants, then balled up his soiled underwear and tossed it into
"Fuck. Why didn't I stay on Tatooine?" Luke hung his head in
exhaustion, then suddenly noticed the balled-up underwear roll back
out of the closet and come to rest at his feet. "What the fuck?"
He kicked it back in...only to have it roll back out once again.
Luke got up, took out a tiny flashlight, and slowly opened the
closet door wider. He shined his light inside...
...And frightened the wits out of an odd-looking black robot
which was hiding amidst the uniforms. It screamed like a child and
tried to avoid the light. Luke reached in, grabbed the droid by
one of its arms, and yanked it into the light of the room.
Luke's eyes lit up in delight--A tiny Imperial Probe Droid.
He rubbed his hand over the familiar contours of its black plated
surface and cooed into its auditory receiver. "It's okay, little
guy. Ssshhh. Ssshhh. I won't hurt you. You don't know how glad
I am to see a familiar face. Have you sent your signal yet?"
The droid bleeped a timid negative.
"That's okay. This is the rebel base. This is what you've
been looking for. You must've been lonely out here. I know what
that's like, my little probe droid. I think I'll call you PD. Now
think, PD. What do you do when you find the rebel base?"
PD's lights blinked in consternation for a moment, before he
finally squeaked out a discernable English reply.
"Good boy, PD." Luke caressed him lovingly. "Good boy."
Leia skipped into Luke's cabin unannounced, with Han dutifully
in tow. Luke was lying in a half-daze, after having returned from
another marathon torture session. Leia found his scrotum under the
bedsheets and twisted it to get his attention. He opened his eyes
a bit wider and laughed softly.
"Go ahead, sis. My definition of pain and suffering has been
completely revised over the last few days. That actually feels
good." He glanced at Han. "I see you brought your whipping boy."
Han folded his arms and growled. "Watch it boy, or you'll
find yourself floating home."
"It was out of context, but you know what I mean."
"Look at yourself, Han. Is she really worth all this? All
this pain and humiliation?"
Han shrugged. "I used to have to pay for this pain and
humiliation. Now I get it free."
Luke sighed. "Don't you believe it, old buddy."
Leia cut off the repartee by producing a black leather case
and laying it on Luke's bed. She began looking around the room for
tools. "Don't worry, Han, just ignore him."
"It's okay, your worship. I can handle it."
"Oh, can you?" Luke interjected. "I don't know. I figure I
must have hit pretty close to the mark to get him all riled up like
that, huh sis?"
Leia noticed the closet. "You got any tools in there?"
Luke gulped. "Uh...no, no, no tools. Nothing in there."
"Well, nothing you'd be interested in."
"What's in there?"
"Only what you take..."
Han cut him off with a sharp backhand across the mouth. "None
of that Jedi bullshit."
Leia pulled the door open and began rummaging behind the
clothing. Against the far wall was a jumble of broken, twisted
equipment. PD was sitting motionless amidst the junk, trying to
blend in. Leia's eyes passed over him without registering a thing.
She pulled out a small toolbox. "Aha. Here's what I need." She
grabbed a pair of hydrospanners, unzipped the leather case, and
began assembling a strange elongated rubbery device.
Luke squinted at it. "What the fuck is that?"
Leia rubbed down the device with an oily rag. "My mother's
strap-on dildo. Steely Dan III from Urdur. An elegant sexual aid,
of a more civilized age." When she had finished putting it
together, she flicked a switch and it began emitting a low hum.
Warm Ebla beer squirted from its tip, spraying the far wall. "Not
as clumsy or random as your bargain-basement tool. I've waited a
long time to do this."
Luke smiled. "Go ahead, shove it up my ass. I won't feel a
thing. You might just as well go down on a woman with an
"Oh, I'm not going to use it on you." Leia strapped the
device to her groin, where it bobbed and undulated suggestively.
Luke's face went slack. He gaped at Han, who stared back at
him as he began unbuckling his pants. "What are you lookin' at?
I know what I'm doin'." He bent over the edge of the bed.
Leia smiled malevolently. "Ironic, huh? Before, I was but
the learner. Now, I am the master."
"Only a master of evil, bitch," Luke snarled.
"Oh, take Han's word for it. It may look bad, but it
feeeeeels good. Doesn't it, sweetie?"
"Sure, your worship."
Leia took that as her cue to begin. She slowly forced the
dildo into Han's blushing ass. Soon, his face followed suit.
Sweat began to appear on his brow as he smiled sheepishly at Luke.
"I know what this looks like, kid. It's just goofing around,
really. Keeps her happy."
Luke's voice trembled. "She can't be better than me."
"Silence!" Leia yelled. She pulled a small whip out of her
pocket and began whipping Han with it, her eyes closed in ecstasy.
"So, Luke. We see that there's nothing you can possess which I
cannot take away." The whip cracked loudly in the tiny room.
Han gritted his teeth. "I know what you're gonna say, kid.
But I'm still wearing the pants...I mean, uh...I keep on top
of...umm...Well, she may whip me, but she'll never beat me."
Luke shook his head sadly. "You were my last hope."
"No, no, it's not that bad." Han grimaced as Leia's thrusting
rocked his body back and forth. "I mean, uh, you didn't see us
alone together in the South Passage. She expressed her true..."
He was cut off as Leia wrapped the whip around his neck and yanked
his head back like that of a steer.
Luke looked up at Leia. "I never thought any woman could tame
"I told you you didn't know everything about women yet."
Luke sulked for a moment before he came up with a last retort.
"Yeah, well, I've still got the Force."
Leia laughed, reached down, and gripped her vulva just as
Steely Dan squirted its fermented contents into Han. "Force?
Compared to the power of a single cunt, that crap you channel
doesn't even qualify as a mild pressure."
Luke fell to his knees in front of his bed and vomited the
meager contents of his stomach onto the floor. For a moment he
admired the abstract shape the bile formed as it spread. Today's
session had been particularly draining. He could still feel the
probing fingers of that syphilitic Calamarian in his rectum. His
entire body felt as if it was covered with mynocks. Wiping his
chin, he looked up to see PD peering timidly from the closet.
"Hey, little buddy."
PD slowly glided out of the closet toward Luke. A rather long
hypodermic needle emerged on a small probe. Its tip glowed orange.
Luke tried to wave him away. "No more penetrations today."
"OUCH." PD inched closer.
"Don't bother, buddy. You'll never find a vein. I wore them
out on Tatooine years ago."
"OUCH." The droid pressed on, aiming the needle.
Finally, Luke gave up and let the droid continue. "Alright,
alright." PD extended a small loop around Luke's upper arm, which
it drew tight. After a few moments, blue veins began to surface in
the pasty whiteness of Luke's skin. PD slipped the needle in and
injected several cc's of greenish fluid.
The pain disappeared immediately. This was no ordinary stim-
shot. It felt more like a combination of t'ill-t'ill and morphine.
Luke's head lolled back, as his bloodstream carried waves of
pleasure up and down his spine. His lips parted slightly, in the
half-smile of a junky on the nod. "Oh, baby..."
An unfamiliar voice came from behind Luke. "Not bad, huh?"
Luke, too happy to even bother turning around, responded.
"Whoever you are, man, I love you."
The owner of the voice walked into Luke's tingling field of
vision. He was a handsome young man in his mid-twenties. "I made
that special modification to the droid myself."
"Will you marry me?"
"I'm Dack. I'm here to rescue you."
Luke beamed at him. "You already have, man. You already
"I found that probot on patrol a week ago. It was wandering
out by the first marker. When I heard you'd been captured, I
figured your quarters would be a good place to hide it. Has it
sent its signal?"
"Oh, yeah. Who are you, man?"
"A friend. I represent a group of rebels who've become
disheartened by the way things have been going. Riekaan is a
lunatic, and we're dedicated to his destruction. The rebellion is
a sick tree and it needs to be torn up by the roots before the true
glory of the Empire can be realized."
"So you're rebelling against the rebellion?"
"Pretty much. Would you like to join us?"
Luke grinned and closed his eyes. "For you, man, anything.
What do I have to do?"
"First, we'd like you to kill Riekaan."
Dack knelt down in front of Luke and held up a small white
object. When Luke focused his eyes on it, it looked like a
grouping of three molars.
"Those are some beautiful teeth, man."
Dack produced a dental extractor and began fiddling with it.
"Inside these artificial teeth is a nano-lightsaber. When you're
in front of Riekaan, just bite down on these teeth and spit it out.
Apply pressure to the nanosaber and it'll ignite. But you have to
act fast. The beam will only last about 30 seconds." Dack pushed
the extractor into Luke's mouth and yanked out three upper right
molars. Luke spat blood and laughed dizzily. Dack jammed the fake
teeth in tightly.
"If that probot sent its signal, the Imperial fleet should be
on its way, but we can't take the chance of Riekaan escaping
capture. He'll want to have an audience with you before he kills
you. That'll be the time. When the assault begins, meet me in the
main hangar and I'll give you further instructions."
Luke felt the teeth with his tongue. "Okay, man. Whatever
you say." He dissolved into girlish giggles.
Dack gripped him firmly by the shoulders. "I've got to get
out of here now. Just remember the teeth. The teeth!"
In the main command center, a communications officer suddenly
noticed a rather menacing collection of red blips appear on one of
his screens. He bit his nails nervously and debated whether or not
to tell anyone. He closed his eyes and silently prayed for the
blips to disappear. When he opened his eyes again, they hadn't.
He cleared his throat. "Uh, guys. Guys?"
Han and Leia, who had been necking in one corner of the room,
got up and came over. "What's up?" Leia asked.
"I've got...some little red spots here."
Han grinned sympathetically. "Nasty, aren't they? Just go to
the medical center and they'll give you..."
Leia pushed Han aside in mid-sentence when she saw the
computer screen. "Oh, shit. What does that mean?"
The officer hesitated. "Uh...I don't know. I...oh, wait a
second." He pulled a small card out of his pocket. It read 'M-112
SUBSPACE SCANNER CHEAT CARD.' He looked over it until he found the
lines he wanted:
GREEN = Good guys.
RED = Bad guys.
"Oh, fuck," he whispered.
"Sirs!" yelled another comm officer on the other side of the
room. "I'm getting some kind of audio transmission."
Leia shuddered, hoping the transmission wouldn't be what she
feared it was. "Put it on the speakers."
Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' boomed throughout the command
center. Leia groaned and sat down in a chair. "And I was just
beginning to warm up to this ice cube."
Han shook his head. "What's goin' on?"
Leia rubbed her forehead. A headache had immediately set in.
After a few more bars, the music died down and the jarring
tones of a male disc jockey's voice could be heard. "Goooooood
morning, Hoth! Yes, to all of you who are about to take the final
jump, get out and enjoy this weather while you can! By my chrono,
you've only got another hour or two of sunshine before the clouds
roll in." The jockey played sound effects of explosions and lasers
firing. "That's right, today's forecast calls for scattered Ion
cannon fire throughout the afternoon, with an 80% chance of big,
pissed-off quadrupeds and frosty snowmen continuing into this
evening. So wrap up, kids, it's gonna be a rough one!"
Han tapped on the comm officer's shoulder. "Can you get me a
line to that signal?"
"Uh, sure." The officer began pressing buttons. He held a
small headset out to Han.
The disc jockey immediately shifted gears. "Whoa, it looks
like we're getting a caller here. You're on the pre-show show,
Han disguised his voice. "Uh, yeah. Are you guys planning an
"The most, a real knock-down drag-out. But could you turn
your radio down a bit? That's better. Where do you hail from,
"I'm on Hoth."
"Oh really? You wouldn't be a rebel scummazoid ready to plead
for his life, would you?"
"Oh, no, I'm...an ice fisherman."
"I thought the Hoth system was supposed to be devoid of human
"Well, it is, except for us. No rebels here, though."
"Absolutely. We don't take to strangers around here."
The jockey paused for a moment. "Are you sure you're not a
choobie-pumping rebel shitbot with delusions of grandeur?"
"So you're definitely not one of those traitorous hurt vectors
who hangs out with that juvie-gang of uppity spacer/sodomites?"
"Not at all. We haven't seen anybody like that around here.
Situation normal. Everything's fine down here, we're all fine now,
thank you. How are you?"
"Well, pretty relieved, buddy, since I guess we won't have to
waste all that manpower in an attack. But we'd better send a squad
in anyway, just to be sure."
Han stammered for a second. "Uh...negative, negative. We've
got a reactor leak down here, uh, give us a few minutes to lock it
down. Umm, large leak...very dangerous."
"You don't much sound like a trout-frying abo to me. Come on,
buddy, are you really a rebel jet-juicer yankin' my retrorocket
just to keep the white hats from raising ship?"
"Ahh..." Han threw his headset to the floor and drew his
blaster. He fired at the comm board, blowing it up and
inadvertently killing the comm officer in the process. Han grunted
and holstered his weapon. "Incomprehensible conversation, anyway.
Boys, we're gonna have company!"
The Great Reception Hall was darkened, the only illumination
being provided by torches set into the walls. Rebel troops sat in
small circles, applying war paint to each other and preparing
themselves for the pre-battle sacrifice. In the center of the hall
was a Tauntaun, bleating loudly as a group of warriors applied
special oils to it.
In a small, dark chamber adjacent to the Hall, Emperor Riekaan
was hunched over in his chair, reading a book of poetry out loud.
"There once...was a girl from Toprawa. Who had quite a fetish
Luke lay in one corner, suffering a full-cavity search at the
hands of Riekaan's personal guards. Leia leaned up against a wall,
watching the Emperor. "Oh, he's out there. He's really out
("When she saw a sandcrawler...She'd hoot and she'd
"Do you know what the man is saying?" She looked down at
Luke, who was wincing as a particularly zealous guard gripped his
penis and poked in his urethra with a pair of tweezers.
"I don't know, sis. Something about a chick who digs jawas?"
("And her pussy'd get wetter than R'alla...")
"It's all very simple. This is dialectics. One through nine,
no maybe's, no suppose's, no fractions. You can't travel into
space, you can't go into space, you know, with uh, with fractions.
What are you gonna land on, one quarter, three-eighths? What are
you gonna do when you go from here to Roonadan or something?
That's dialectic physics. Dialectic logic is, there's only sex and
death. You either fuck somebody, or you kill 'em."
Riekaan suddenly grunted and threw his book at her. Leia
batted it aside and hooked her fingers into Luke's nose, pulling
his face up to meet hers.
"We've all gotten fucked enough by you and your Empire. Now
we fight. This is the fuckin' way the world ends. Would you look
at this fuckin' shit we're in, man! Not with a whimper, but with
a big fuckin' bang. See you in hell, brother." She dropped him to
the floor and sprinted away.
When the guards were satisfied that Luke was clean they tied
him to a small post. They stood up straight and saluted Riekaan,
who dismissed them. "Leave us." When they had left, Riekaan
reached over, picked up a bowl of vitalis, and began spritzing his
head with it as he spoke. "Have you ever considered, Skywalker,
any real freedoms?"
"What do you mean?"
"Freedom from fear, freedom from the judgments of others.
Even the judgments of yourself?"
"Nope. I'm not a judgmental person. I say live and let live.
Unless somebody's fuckin' with your shit, of course."
"Are you going to fuck with my shit, Skywalker?"
"Only if you keep fuckin' with mine."
"What did they tell you?"
"The grocery clerks."
"They told me you were nuts."
"Am I nuts?"
"Well, who am I to judge?"
In the main hanger, a voice boomed over the intercom: "DROP
YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS. BIG WALKING THINGS SPOTTED ON THE
SOUTH RIDGE." Troops were hustling in all directions, warming up
Han Solo worked frantically on top of the Falcon, fiddling
with wires whose purpose was a complete mystery to him. Chewie,
meanwhile, labored dutifully, rerouting the ships' power systems.
He growled to himself. "Raaggarrag." (I don't know how we're gonna
get out of this one.)
Han finally gave up his pantomime and walked over to Chewie.
He looked over his shoulder. "Hmmm...hmmm...good. That's good."
Chewie glared at Solo. "Reeoouuur ruueeerr." (Stop
bullshitting and let me do this.)
Han took a step back. "Right, uh...looks like you've got
everything under, uh...terrific. You've learned a lot. Anyhow,
I'll just take care of that, uh...that thing with the uh, with the
ship's...systems...over there." He nodded at Chewie and left.
On the other side of the bay, Leia was debriefing a group of
pilots. "...The heavy transport ships will leave as soon as
they're loaded. Only two fighter escorts per ship. The energy
shield can only be lifted for a short time, so you'll have to stick
very close to your transports."
One of the pilots spoke up incredulously. "Two fighters
against a Star Destroyer?"
Leia turned to face the pilot. "That's right. Two fighters
against a Star Destroyer. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Well, its...it's insane. We'll never make it."
Leia scratched her chin for a moment. "You know...I think
you're right. My plan is insane. Why didn't I see it before?
It's completely ludicrous. Two fighters and a Star Destroyer? I
mean, fighters are so small, and Star Destroyers are so..." She
laughed out loud. "I mean, you can tell just by the names that
there's no contest. 'Star Destroyer'--it sounds so much nastier
than 'fighter.' You wouldn't have had a chance."
The pilot smiled, relieved. "Great. So have we got another
"Sure," Leia began circling the pilot slowly. "We'll change
the name of your ship. Instead of a 'fighter', it'll be a...what's
a good name, guys?"
After a moment of deliberation, the pilots began shouting out
"Stellar Battle Warrior!"
"'Star Destroyer' Destroyer!"
"You see," Leia purred into the pilot's ear. "Problem
"But, uh...just changing the names won't...I mean..."
Leia kicked the pilot's legs out from under him, then
straddled him, pulled his helmet off, and began bashing his head
against the floor. Soon his skull had cracked, spilling out a pool
of steaming blood and cranial fluid. When the pilot stopped
twitching, Leia wiped the gunk off her hands and stood up.
"Right. Any more questions or suggestions?"
There were none.
"Good. As soon as you've flown your...'Galactic Pulverisers'
past the shield, proceed immediately to the rendezvous point."
Riekaan was now pacing around the room, circling Luke. "I've
seen horrors. The horrors that you've seen. But you have no right
to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a
right to do that."
"Gee, thanks. Wouldn't want to think I was overstepping my
"I remember when I was with the special forces doing
reconnaissance on Endor. We had captured a group of exterminators
hired by the Empire to deal with the Ewok problem. They had gotten
separated from their unit and run out of supplies. They were
hungry, and they all had terrible cases of crabs. We took mercy on
them, gave them ointment for the crabs, and moved on. A few hours
later one of them ran after us, crying."
Riekaan paused for a moment, shuddering at the memory. "We
went back there. And the ewoks had come and they had chewed off
every anointed penis. They were sitting there in a pile. A pile
Luke broke in. "Wait a second. Ewoks did that?"
"Some ewok tribes are fiercer than others."
"But they're like...three feet tall."
"Actually, no one really knows how big they can get. We could
hear them at night, howling from the treetops. It's not a sound I
want to hear again."
There was a brief lull, during which Riekaan reached for
something behind his back. "Oh, by the way, I forgot to give this
to you." He casually dropped an object into Luke's lap.
It was PD's severed head, its lights burned out and useless,
wires splayed everywhere. Luke screamed in horror and kicked the
head away, crying.
"Oh Christ! You murderer!"
"Hey, you have no right..."
"PD...PD...I love you!" Luke sobbed in anguish at the thought
of his dead friend's suffering, then suddenly Dack's words echoed
in his mind: "REMEMBER THE TEETH! THE TEETH!"
Shaking away his sorrows, Luke yelled like an animal and bit
down on his false molars. They cracked easily, releasing the
nanosaber, which was no bigger than a safety pin. Unfortunately,
Luke bit down too hard and applied pressure to the saber itself.
It ignited, and a three-foot shaft of laser light tore its way
through his right cheek.
"AAAHHH!!" Luke jerked his head, swinging the beam and
inadvertently severing the chains which bound him. Realizing what
he had to do, he reached into his mouth, gripped the tiny saber,
and wrenched it out, burning away whatever was left of his right
cheek and leaving his gums and jaw exposed. With blood pouring
down his entire right side, painting him one-half crimson, he
advanced on Riekaan, who was still babbling on.
"They train young men to drop fire on people. But their
commanders won't allow them to write 'STANG' on their airplanes,
Luke raised the saber above his head and tried to form words
as best he could. "THIS IS THE END, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND!"
Riekaan suddenly registered Luke's intentions. "You are an
assassin! I knew it."
"Oh, no," Luke lisped. "I'm an errand boy. There's a matter
of a grocery bill you owe. I'm afraid we're gonna have to
repossess a few things." With that, Luke brought the saber down on
Riekaan's left arm, cutting it off. Then he did the same to his
right arm. Riekaan took the blows, while he began to haltingly
recite his last poem.
In the Great Reception Hall, the Tauntaun shuffled its feet
nervously, periodically squealing. A painted warrior approached
it with a large sword. He raised the blade above his head and
spoke the ceremonial words...
"There once was a faggot named Luke..."
Left leg gone. He fell to the floor.
"Who wanted a really good plook..."
"He traveled through space...lost half of his face..."
Luke brought the saber down on Riekaan's neck just as he
sputtered the last line.
"And was crowned Emperor by a fluke!"
The head rolled away from the torso. Luke continued hacking
at the trunk until the saber burned out.
The Tauntaun brayed its death rattle and fell under the blows
of the warrior. Then a sudden hush fell over the assembly. All
eyes turned to register a new entry into the hall.
Luke Skywalker, nude and disfigured, walked slowly into the
crowd. He held Riekaan's head upside-down by its lower lip. The
soldiers watched him in silence. When they began advancing on him,
Luke dropped the head and held up his hands.
"Now hold up, wait a second. He told me I could. He said I
had a right to do this."
The warrior who slaughtered the Tauntaun stepped forward. "He
said you had a right to kill him?"
"His very words. Do I look like I'm lying?"
The warrior scratched his chin. "Well...it is the kind of
thing he would say. Alright, I guess you're the new Emperor then."
With that, the warrior dropped his sword and bowed down before
Luke. The other soldiers followed suit. Luke wove his way
carefully among them, moving toward the exit and talking to
"This must be what those three droids were talking about. I'm
Emperor now. I could tell all these assholes to stand on one foot
and they would. Pretty cool. But...fuck it. To hell with fate.
I'm my own man. I can do whatever I want. There's no mystical
energy field that controls my destiny. I'm free." He turned to
the soldiers, shouting. "I'm free, do you hear?! I'm the freest
man in the universe!"
When he reached the exit, he picked a discarded high-powered
blaster rifle off the floor. He aimed it carefully at the ceiling
of the ice cavern and set it to highest power. "Well, boys. I
appreciate the offer, but I'm just not ready for that kind of
commitment right now. You understand, I hope. Anyhow, adios." He
fired at the ceiling, and huge shards of ice began tumbling down,
cutting the assembled soldiers to ribbons. Luke dropped the rifle
and ran as the cavern began collapsing.
The main hangar was in disarray, with troops running in all
directions, trying to get their speeders off the ground.
Explosions could be heard in the distance. On the intercom, a
grave voice crackled. "THE FIRST TRANSPORT HAS BEEN BLOWN AWAY."
This news was greeted by a chorus of boos and raspberries.
Luke, dressed in a flight jacket he'd picked up, ran among the
ships, looking for Dack.
"Over here!" Dack was waving from the other end of the bay.
As Luke jogged across, he noticed the Millennium Falcon being
repaired. Putting on his helmet to cover his face, he approached
Han, who was staring vacuously into an open hatch on the ship's
underside. Luke tapped him on the shoulder.
Han spun around. "What? I know what I'm doin!"
Luke took a step back and disguised his voice. "Take it easy,
pal. But uh..." He pointed at two rather large criss-crossing
cables which were plugged into the hyperdrive motivator. "This one
goes there, and that one goes there. Right?"
Han blinked at the wires, then began rearranging them. "Yeah.
Sure. I knew that. Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Clear skies!" Luke took off across the bay, and climbed up
onto Dack's snowspeeder. Dack was already strapped into the rear
"Feeling alright, sir?"
"Apart from the agonizing pain in my face, I'm fine.
Riekaan's taken care of. How about you?"
Dack smiled. "Right now I feel like I could take on the whole
"I know what you mean. So what's the plan?"
"We've already made contact with the Imperial troops. We have
to rendezvous with General Veers' walker."
"Veers, huh? It'll be good to see him again. But how do we
know which walker is his?"
"They said we'll know it when we see it. And by the way,
you're in charge of Rogue Group."
"How'd you manage that?"
"I showed some leg to the duty officer."
"Is Rogue Group in on our plan?"
"Nope. Rebel regulars, all."
Luke laughed. "This is gonna be the most fucked-up offensive
of all time. Hang on, baby!" Luke punched the main thrusters and
the speeder blasted out of the hangar.
Luke and Dack flew at low altitude over the icy landscape,
with the several speeders of Rogue Group in formation behind them.
Luke hit his com button and addressed the men.
"Okay, dickheads, this is Luke Skywalker. I'll be your
captain for the next few minutes."
Rogue Group responded: "WE COPY, ROGUE LEADER."
In the distance, a column of Imperial walkers became visible
on the horizon, trudging along in unison. When Luke saw them he
flipped of his com and chuckled. "I've often wondered what the
Imperial Engineers were sniffing when they designed those things."
"Yeah," Dack replied. "But they look kinda cool, though."
"That's true." He put his com back on. "Okay, Rogue Group.
Keep it tight now. Use attack pattern, uh...Sigma Alpha Epsilon."
Rogue 2 crackled back. "Attack pattern what?"
"You heard me."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know. Fly casual. Steady, boys."
When the speeders were within range, the walkers sent a volley
of laser blasts out to meet them. Two of the speeders on either
side of Luke burst into flames. After retorting with a few weak
shots, Rogue Group whizzed past the walkers in disarray.
"Whoa!" Luke cackled. "That definitely could have been
better. They're obviously using a zone defense and..."
Rogue 3: "We had no approach vector! We weren't set!"
Luke frowned. "Please don't interrupt. Now everybody regroup
and get ready for another pass. This time...attack pattern Phi
Rogue 2: "We haven't heard of that either!"
"Look, just point and shoot. Vive la Rebellion!" Rogue Group
swung around and approached the walkers again, this time from the
back. Once again, their blasters had no effect. Two more speeders
were picked off on their way past, splitting into golden fireballs.
Luke shot up into the stratosphere, enjoying the G forces.
"Have you boys ever considered any real freedoms?"
Rogue 3: "What? Are you crazy?! We're getting creamed! That
armor's too strong for blasters!"
"You know, freedom from fear, freedom from the judgments of
"We haven't got a chance!"
"Hey, now, that's stinkin' thinkin'. You boys hang on. Just
follow me. I call this one...attack pattern Tri-Delta. Go right
between their legs." Luke brought his speeder into a steep
nosedive, heading back toward the walkers. He scanned them, but
was unable to find any distinguishing mark which might indicate
which was General Veers'. He zipped right between the legs of one,
barely clearing. The other speeders scattered, one of them
crashing into the ground.
Luke laughed. "Whoa, guess Hobbie's not with us anymore.
Rogue 3, what's your name again?"
"Wow, your folks were really scraping the bottom of the
nomenclature barrel. How are you?"
"I'm fine, no thanks to you. We've got to use harpoons and
tow cables. Go for the legs."
"I absolutely forbid that."
"It's our only chance!"
"Look, I'm in command, Wedge, and I'm ordering...attack
"You're making these up, aren't you?"
"No, no. That's where all insubordinate officers get on their
knees and suck my fat cock!"
Wedge snorted. "Fuck you, I'm going my own way. Get ready to
fire the tow cable, Jansen." Wedge headed for one of the smaller,
weaker walkers at the edge of the herd. It was limping slightly.
He flew between its legs, and Jansen fired the cable, affixing it
to one of the walker's feet. Wedge then began a complicated series
of weaving maneuvers which tied the legs up completely. When the
cable had run out, he detached it and flew to a safe distance.
The walker stumbled and fell forward, allowing Wedge to come
in again and fire full blasters at its damaged neck. The metal
behemoth exploded. Wedge cheered. "Hooah! That got him!"
Luke surveyed the destruction and snarled sarcastically. "I
see it, Wedge. Great work."
Rogue 2: "Great idea, Wedge. I'll go for the lead walker."
Rogue 2 peeled off and Luke banked to get a closer look at the
walker he was after. It appeared normal at first glance, but when
Luke got close enough he saw that it actually had a fifth leg.
About one-third the length of the others, it dangled limply between
the two rear legs. It could be extended and used in particularly
dangerous terrain. Luke called to Dack. "Hey, look at the leader!
It's got an extra leg!"
Dack twisted his head around to see. "Yeah, that must be
Veers. And Rogue 2's about to take him out!"
"My ass." Luke put on a burst of acceleration and came up
alongside Rogue 2. "Rogue 2, are you alright?"
"I'm with you, Rogue Leader."
"No, I mean, are you feeling okay? Sure you don't want to sit
this round out?"
"No, I can handle it."
"Well, if that's the way you want it. Go ahead and set your
harpoon. I'll uh...cover for you."
"Copy, Rogue Leader."
Luke dropped back and switched on his targeting computer. He
tried to get Rogue 2 in his sights, but the ship was veering around
wildly. "Steady, Rogue 2," Luke barked. The ship dutifully
stabilized and Luke grinned. "I have you now." He pressed the
fire button, and slammed a volley of laser bolts into Rogue 2,
blasting him out of the skies just before he reached the walker.
Wedge rubbed his eyes, not believing what he'd just witnessed.
"Rogue Leader," he hissed.
"Copy, Wedge. Looks like we're all alone now."
"I don't know who you are, but you'll have plenty of company
"You know, that sounds great, but I promised I'd be
somewhere." Luke flipped off the com. "Take him, Dack."
Dack aimed his rear gun and fired several bursts at Wedge, all
of which were deftly evaded. "Damn, this guy's good."
"The Force must be strong in him. Pain in the ass."
Wedge fired off a salvo of his own, grazing Luke's speeder and
nearly causing it to spin out of control. "Shit!" Luke exclaimed.
"Why did we have to get this guy?"
Dack's panel crackled and sparked. "Luke, I've got a
malfunction in fire control. I can't target him."
Luke gritted his teeth. "Alright, fuck this." He pulled the
speeder into a steep loop, until he was heading upside down in the
opposite direction. He righted the craft and bore down on Wedge's
nose. "Alright, you cocksucker. We'll see who's chicken."
As the ships hurtled toward each other, they exchanged a heavy
torrent of laser blasts. Luke's speeder took several direct hits,
and began spinning wildly. Wedge flew by unscathed.
"Fuck!" cried Luke, trying to bring the speeder under control.
"I'm gonna get that guy if it's the last fucking thing I ever do!"
He wrestled with the controls to no avail--The white landscape
hurtled up to meet them. The speeder plowed violently into the
ground and skidded a hundred yards before it came to a stop.
Luke opened the hatch and was confronted with the terrifying
sight of the lead walker ambling directly toward them. He began
pulling equipment out the ship and tossing it into the snow.
Dack, half-dazed from the crash, shook his head. "Wha?"
"Better get out of there, Dack. We're about to get squashed."
"Oh, right." He began fiddling with his seat belt, but found
himself unable to unfasten it. "Hey, I can't get this belt off."
Luke leaned in to look. "You just pull up that latch, right?"
"I tried that."
"Well, try pressing the button, then pulling the latch."
Dack followed Luke's advice--the belt still refused to open.
Luke frowned. "Funny, that's how mine worked. Uh...how about
if you pull on the latch first, then press the button."
"Okay, how about...pressing the button, then releasing it,
then pulling the latch, then pressing the button again."
"Okay." Dack tried to remember the sequence. "Wait. Do I
hold the button down the second time?"
"No, just press it once, release it, pull the latch,
then...No, you're not doing it right. Here, let me try it." Just
then Luke heard a loud mechanical buzzing and realized that the
walker's foot was looming over them. At the last second he pulled
himself out and leapt to safety. The walker pressed the speeder
nearly flat. After it had passed, Luke got up and surveyed the
Locating the blood-splattered belt amongst Dack's viscera, he
opened a pocketknife he just happened to have and cut the fastening
mechanism loose. He wiped the blood off of it and examined it. "I
really don't understand this. I thought you just pulled the latch
and that was it." He continued to fiddle with it as he jogged off
in pursuit of the walker.
Han Solo worked furiously in the cockpit of the Millenium
Falcon, trying to get the engines to start. Outside the window,
the hangar was falling apart. Imperial troops had already landed.
"How's this?" he yelled to no one in particular.
Leia was suddenly behind him. "Would it help if I got out and
Han snapped around. "What the hell are you doing here? I
thought you'd be on one of the transports."
Leia laughed. "When I'm ready to commit suicide I'll just use
a razor. You don't mind if we tag along, do you?"
R2 rolled out from behind Leia, bleeping enthusiastically.
Han sighed. "You really get attached to stuff, don't you?"
Leia shrugged. "He's a very...useful little droid."
R2 blooped slyly, extended a tiny mechanical arm, and pinched
Leia's ass. She slapped him playfully. "Cut it out."
Outside the Falcon, Chewie pushed against the hull with all
his might. After a herculean exertion, the ship began to roll
forward slowly. Chewie barked loudly and thumped on the hull.
"Ragaaraaa!" (Punch it!)
Han gunned the sublight engines. Finally, they turned over
and purred triumphantly as Chewie ran up the landing ramp, roaring
and beating his chest. The Falcon lifted off, hovered for a
moment, then blasted out of the hangar and into the blue sky.
General Veers sat calmly in the cockpit of his walker,
grinning at the sight of the routed Rebels. "I love the smell of
ozone in the morning," he drawled contentedly.
A snowball hit the window, leaving a small lump of white on
the glass. Then another hit...and another.
Veers chuckled. "The rebels must really be getting desperate.
Don't they know that they'll never..." He was interrupted when the
fourth snowball actually broke through the plated glass, spraying
razor-sharp shards throughout the cabin. One of the pilots
screamed and put his hands to his eyes, blinded. Wind and snow
began whistling through the cockpit.
"Shit!" Veers exclaimed. "I'll get that Rebel scumbag!" He
leaned over the blinded pilot and pointed the walker's head
downward to get a better look at their attacker. As it pivoted,
the cockpit crew began slipping out of their seats. Veers steadied
himself against the control panel and peered down at the landscape.
A lone figure was visible, waving his arms wildly. Veers targeted
the man with the forward guns. He was just about to fire when he
paused, remembering. He glanced up at a post-it note affixed to
the dashboard. It read: PICK UP SKYWALKER.
Veers stuck his head out of the hole in the windshield and
yelled down to the man. "Who are you!?"
"Skywalker! Is that you, Veers!?"
"Yeah! But how do I know it's really you!?"
"Have you had that mole burned off yet!?"
"No, I've been meaning to make a..." Veers paused, then
laughed. "Luke, you young pup!"
The third leg of the walker lifted Luke up to an open hatch on
the underbelly, where Veers was waiting. When Luke saw him he
grinned with what was left of his face. "Hey, you old faggot.
How's tricks?" When he was safely inside, he pulled off his
Veers noticed Luke's destroyed cheek. "Yuck."
"Don't ask. You got any coffee?"
"I just put on a fresh pot. Where's Dack?"
"He got squashed. Damnedest thing. Couldn't figure out how
this belt worked." Luke held up the buckle. Veers took it from
him, pressed the button twice, then lifted the latch easily.
"Oh yeah," Luke said, shaking his head. "Dammit, I knew
"Oh well," Veers said, clapping his arm around Luke's back.
"We have no time for our sorrows, buddy. Too many pleasures to
sort out." The small compartment they were standing in abruptly
lurched into motion and ascended. When it stopped, a lighted panel
above the door blinked: GALLERIA.
The door opened, revealing a luxurious hotel-like plaza,
furnished in rich beige and gold. Comfortable chairs were
tastefully arranged all around. A glass partition provided a
lovely view of a small swimming pool and jacuzzi, in which a number
of nubile-looking females were attractively lounging. A small
formation of red-robed Imperial guards snapped to attention outside
Luke whistled as he stepped into the plaza. "Goddamn. So
this is how the officers live. Very nice."
Veers smiled. "It's nice, but not usually this nice. We had
the jacuzzi installed just before the attack."
"What's the occasion?"
Luke did a doubletake. "What?"
"It's all in writing. The Emperor had no heirs. In the event
of his death, the Emperorship passed to Vader. With Vader missing
in action, the rightful heir is..."
"Whoa, whoa, wait a second." Luke broke away from Veers and
pushed the guards aside. "You mean to tell me I'm the Emperor?"
"I shit you not. After this pre-ceremony, you'll be taken to
Endor for the official coronation."
The guards bowed down before Luke and spoke in unison. "WE
SWEAR ETERNAL LOYALTY, THANE OF ENDOR."
"What?" Luke exclaimed. "What did they call me?"
"Thane," Veers replied. "That's what the Imperial guard calls
the Emperor. Technically it's not the right word, but...it's
tradition, you know."
Luke sat down in a plush velour armchair, trying to take it
all in. "Those fuckin' droids were right. I don't believe it.
No, fuck this. I'm still free. I'm not locked into anything. I
can still make my destiny if I want to." He stood up and addressed
the assembly. "I'm sorry everybody got all dressed up and
everything, but I'm really not interested."
"Not interested?" Veers arched an eyebrow.
"Nope. Not gonna do it. I'm a free man."
"Well," Veers shrugged. "If that's how you feel about it. I
guess we'll have to send back the twins."
Luke hesitated. "Twins?"
"Yep. Part of the ceremony. But if you're not interested..."
"Wait a second, what kind of twins?"
"Oh, no, don't worry about it, we'll just send them back."
"Send who back? What are you talking about?"
Veers snapped his fingers. Two 12 year old humanoid twins
were brought out, one male, one female, each exuding powerful
pheromones. They had a slightly bluish skin tone and shining
yellow eyes. They wore white robes and were completely flawless.
Luke eyed them warily, trying to hide his embarrassingly obvious
arousal. "What do they do?"
"They perform the ceremony. They're specially bred and
trained from birth."
"Well," Luke murmured. "I don't say I'm accepting the job or
anything, but...let them go ahead and start."
Veers snapped his fingers again. The twins slipped out of
their robes and approached Luke. They expertly took down his pants
and began working his cock, all four hands twisting and stroking in
unison. Luke was overcome by the sensations, and for the first
time, the pain in his jaw subsided. The Force was definitely
strong in these two. And it wasn't the Good side. Luke's cock
The male went behind Luke, gently pried his buttocks apart,
and went to work. Luke jumped. "Holy shit! Is he part giraffe?"
"I told you, they breed 'em special." Meanwhile, the female
was having no problem handling Luke's huge erection by herself.
She rubbed it over her shoulders and under her chin, covering
herself with pre-ejaculate. Soon she was taking the entire organ
into her tiny mouth. Her jaw appeared to dislocate specifically
for this purpose. To Luke's amazement, she was able to swallow his
entire package, scrotum and all. Her throat bulged, and her spine
was bent unnaturally, but the sensations were unlike anything Luke
had ever felt. He gaped at Veers, who laughed.
"Cartilage, Luke. All cartilage. Not a single bone in 'em.
And there's enough protein in your load to keep ten of them alive
for a month."
"Ten? How many of them are there?"
"Well, their little brothers and sisters are on Endor. They
only join in for the official ceremony."
"How many brothers and sisters do they have?"
"Oh, about twenty-eight."
The thoughts that immediately ran through Luke's mind pushed
him over the edge. He groaned and ejaculated directly into the
girl's stomach. But strangely, the pleasure continued, unabated.
Luke shuddered as he realized what was happening. The twins were
somehow using the Force to make him multi-orgasmic.
Veers smiled. "So what do you say, Luke? Want to rule the
Luke, tingling with excitement at the prospect of the real
coronation, shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, what the hell. How bad
can it be?"
"Great. What made you change your mind?"
Luke slapped his thighs in resignation as the twins switched
positions. "Shit, man. It's fate, right?"
I reside at jfmo...@CapAccess.org Go ahead and drop a line. But
please don't include the following words in your message: 'shit',
'fuck', 'cunt', 'semprini', 'uranus', 'streisand', or 'apotropaic.'