{ASSD} Surrealism OT Humor

[MC Woodsmoke]

Sue me.... even the old ones still made me smile. Down at the bottom is an
almost on topic question. No Peeking. 8-).

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for
illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick
someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you
vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and
they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you
use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you
start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years
of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The
SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for
insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and
sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks.
When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then,....

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred
via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned
by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk
back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The
annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from
milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism,
intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society)
bovines of unspecified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man. You
got to have some of this milk!

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

LIBERTY: Whatever.



Here are some words, which ought to be added to our dictionaries.


1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and
off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a
piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in
a movie theater or airplane seat.

5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until
he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so
badly that one has to resort the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems
to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before
you pick it up, even when you're six inches away.

10. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj.
Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

11. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n.
The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its
perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having
to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

12. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n.
When a hamburger can't take it anymore, and hurls
itself through the grill into the coals.

13. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

OTop: Have any of our talented writers ever written a totally
surrealistic piece of erotica that maintained the balancing act
between farce and incomprehension?

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Fill the tub with power tools and pink and baby blue Zebra's.

Chowder till later
Visualize whirled peas!

[Ghost Ex Machina]

MC Woodsmoke wrote:
> Sue me.... even the old ones still made me smile.

[some funny stuff about cows]

So being in a silly mood I thought I'd add to them...

LESBIANS: You have 2 cows. But one 'ems got strap-on horns.

BISEXUALS: You have 2 cows. But they think bulls are ok, but not as good
as the real thing.

DEVIANTS: You have 2 cows. But they're beginning to think that those fleecy
sheep look kinda cute.

STRAIGHTS: You have 2 cows. Who both agree their bulls don't treat them right,
and have you seen that new hair treatment, and what about that floozy who was
waving her tail at the bulls yesterday, and...

GAYS: You have 2 cows. Who milk *on* each other and not *in* each other!

Hmmm, don't think the last one works too well. Ah well.

I think I'll quit while I'm still behind.

- Kim (Ok, so yours were funnier, whadya expect this time of the morning?)