I Really Envy Gay Kids Today

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Queer Senior

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Mar 25, 2022, 12:48:51 PM3/25/22
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I really do envy these young kids who are so open about being Gay. I especially envy the boys! They make no effort in concealing their sexuality! When I was a teenager, especially when I was in high school from September of 1968 until June of 1972, I was really struggling with my sexuality. I knew inside I was Gay. In fact, I knew when I was 10-years-old that I was Gay. In high school though, I lived in fear about anyone finding out I preferred boys to girls. I envisioned that if anyone did find out about me, I would have been dragged outside, and the whole school would have gathered and watched as I was beheaded! Why did I feel that particular way? I had an extremely Homophobic mother. She hated Gay people! I remember one evening, in June of 1969, we were watching the news, and this was when the Stonewall Riots were taking place. As we watched the news, my "loving mother" suddenly said, "That's disgusting! They should all be sent to the guillotine and beheaded!" Imagine being 14-years-old and struggling with your sexuality, and you hear your own mother saying you should be sent to the guillotine to be beheaded! Would they have even beheaded a 14-year-old boy?

I have to admit that, things were so bad in high school, I did think about committing suicide. I thought about it a lot! And I almost did! One day, when I was 16, I was going to hang myself! I actually stood on a chair in the basement. I had made a noose in a length of rope, then I slipped the noose around my neck and snugged it up. Then I tied the rope off around one of the joists. I remember that I was shaking as I stood there for several minutes, then I began to inch closer and closer to the edge, trying to get up the courage to step off and hang myself. I was so close to doing it! I had even had one foot over the edge of that chair. Luckily, I quickly gave up on the idea. It really was a good thing I didn't follow through on my suicide attempt. In 1964, my middle brother, who was 15-years-old, died in a drowning accident. Or so I was lead to believe. Oh, he did die by drowning. But, after a few years, I began to feel this wasn't honest, and I was right. Shortly after my mother died in 2001 (Dad died of cancer in 1997) my older sister gave me a box with our brother's stuff in it. I remember her saying, "Hear! You might want to read this!" In the box was the inquiry report and the autopsy report on our brother's death. His drowning was no accident! It was suicide! Somehow, when he dove under the water's surface, his one ankle became wrapped up with some underwater vegetation, and he couldn't escape. According to the report, efforts were made to free him up, but he fought them off. The conclusion was that he had deliberately wrapped the vegetation around his ankle to hold him under the water. The final conclusion: my brother committed suicide by drowning himself. Just think, seven years later, I was going to hang myself. Two of her children dying by suicide within seven years would have killed my mother. By the way, my sister and I shredded both those reports.

As for my struggle, it continued, right up until September 4th, 1973, about 2-1/2-months before my 19th birthday. why is that date important? I had started in college in a new program for me. I was in another program the year before, but I felt it wasn't right for me, so I switched to a much more advanced program. That day, September 4th, was the day I met my first boyfriend and Lover, a boy named Ashley, who was six months older than I was. It was that day when I F*I*N*A*L*L*Y embraced that I was Gay. Actually, September 8th, 1973 is more important! That evening, Ashley and I had sex together, and it was the first time for both of us! The one point is that we still had to be careful about being open about our sexuality, at least for the most part. Around the campus, nobody really cared. Ashley and I even kissed each other in the hallway and often walked holding hands. In 1973 to 1976! Gays were still looked down upon, but at least at school, we could relax and be open about ourselves.

I know that's a long, drawn out explanation, so I'll just get on with what I wanted to talk about, how Gay kids have it a lot better than we had it.

Today, I wonder what it would have been like back in 1973 as I was embracing my sexuality if we, or rather I, had access to something like Gay-based lifestyle books (which were only starting to find their way onto bookstore shelves, when they were allowed into the country), the internet, e-mail, texting, and various other social media platforms? Especially, I envy young Gay guys today who are now my age when I finally discovered myself. After all, back in 1973, I could not have walked into a café (aka Starbucks, who wasn't around then, at least not where I lived, or even Tim Hortons, a Canadian icon) with a travel mug that has "CERTIFIED GAY", or "100% GAY", or the words "GAY PRIDE" superimposed over the rainbow flag printed on it. Yes, I have those three travel mugs, plus four others! Thank you, Café Press and RedBubble! There are coffee shops where I can never present one of those travel mugs. I was refused service at a Tim Hortons because of that! Unlike Starbucks where when I present one of those mugs, normally I get a smile and am treated extremely well! But, if I'm being served by a really cute, young male Barista, it's super cool! A lot, if not all, of those really cute young male Baristas are Gay, and are very open about it, and they're not hesitant to flirt with me!

Nor could I have walked freely in public with a tee shirt that had "CANADA" printed on it with each letter a colour of the Gay Pride rainbow, a subtle hint to my sexuality. Nor could I have walked around in shorts with absolutely smooth legs! (Ashley had been shaving his legs since he was 15, and he got me to try shaving mine. It felt great! It felt sexy! It felt sensuous! I shaved them a few times while in college, then, after I graduated and eventually got my own apartment, on my first night, I shaved my legs. That was the last time I ever had a strand of hair on my legs, and l still shave my legs to this day!) Nor could I, or any other Gay guy, have been able to embrace and kiss my boyfriend in public, out in the open, like I had the pleasure of watching several times over the summer in 2019, and really, right up until things began being shut down around the middle of March of 2020. If Ashley and I would have done that in public in the 1970s, we both would have been beheaded! I can still see those two exceptionally beautiful young guys embracing and kissing each other on those Sunday mornings at that Starbucks I used to frequent before they were all shut down due to the Covid-19 virus. It's also like the way I dress. Back in 1973, you would not wear shorts in winter. Today, I wear them right up until New Year's Day, and if the weather doesn't get too extreme, I'll wear them all through winter.

It does my heart good when I see boys not afraid of wearing a tee shirt to school that has "GAY PRIDE" printed across the chest! And the one boy is my neighbour's son. He's just turned 17, and he wore a GAY PRIDE tee shirt to school at the end of the last school year, in June of 2021. And he goes to a Catholic high school! Also, they are not shy about reading any book about the Gay lifestyle. I know there is a huge controversy about a book called "This Book Is Gay" by Trans author Juno Dawson. I personally think a 14-year-old can handle that book. I asked my neighbour if his son has read that book, and he told me that his son had. He read it two years ago when he as 15. In fact, he said his son told him that most of the boys in his class had read it within the last two years! I asked him when he knew his son was Gay. His son had told his parents he was Gay on his 16th birthday, and his parents were more than okay with him being Gay. After all, he's happy, and hat was all that mattered. When Ashley told his family he was Gay, they too were okay with it. In fact, his mother even said that they knew how deep Ashley's and my friendship was, that we had engaged in sexual intercourse together, and that they knew we were doing it in his bedroom. They were wondering when Ashley was going to admit it to them! My family was a different story! I waited until I was finished school and had a place of my own. I finished college in 1976, and got my own apartment in February, 1977. Then I got the strength to come out of the closet! My dad and sister didn't care. Mother exploded with anger! "I ought to cut your head off!", she screamed at me. Then she told me to get out and never show my face to her again. Her anger lasted for about two years until my father and sister, as well as two cousins stepped in. Mother reluctantly started to speak to me. She never apologized for what she said, and she never accepted my sexuality, but at least she spoke to me.

Like I said, I so envy these young Gay kids, especially the boys. They are so open about their sexuality, and they are not ashamed of it. And they don't hide it! They don't flaunt it, but they're not afraid to kiss their boyfriends in public. I rarely think this, but when I see that, I feel, oh to be 19 and be embracing my sexuality now!

The Gay life rocks!

Love to all!

🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈
🌈🏳️‍🌈 A Sexy Gay Senior 🏳️‍🌈🌈
❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜
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