The Real Secret to Self-Confidence
Brian Turk
possibility of failure, thereby eliminating the need to avoid it at
all costs.
The reason why people so often lose their confidence is because they
make the mistake of basing their confidence on external criteria, such
as other people's opinions, rather than deciding for themselves how
confident they can be. When people do not properly deal with failure
or rejection--in other words, when they let it affect how they feel
about themselves rather than accepting it as a natural part of
life--it causes them a great deal of mental anguish. It is a vicious
trap, and people go to great lengths to avoid this anguish.
The mistake they often make, however, is trying to avoid failure
itself, rather than simply protecting their self-esteem in the wake of
inevitable failure. In order to achieve success, however, one must be
able to deal with failures along the way! Failure cannot be avoided!
People still try to avoid it, though. They often try to avoid
rejection by others by "putting on a show", pretending to be things
that they are not. Doing so, they seem to think, will increase their
chances of approval.
I'll use two examples of scenarios that often occur in society today
to illustrate this point:
1) A man approaching a beautiful woman in a singles bar.
2) That same man at work, on a sales call, meeting with an important
prospect about a large order.
In both situations, he has something to gain by proving something to
another person: he is trying to get a hefty commission from his sales
prospect by proving that his product would be a great purchase, and he
is looking for a romantic connection with the woman by proving that he
is a fun guy to be around.
People have several ways of "putting on a show" when they are trying
to get something from someone else. The salesman may stroll into the
prospect's office and right away start commenting on the buyer's
family pictures, smiling, acting curious (even about things that don't
truly strike his curiosity), and delivering carefully packaged
compliments (many of which he doesn't really mean) in attempt to gain
rapport. At the bar, he may approach the woman with a witty line that
he got out of a magazine (and which he, himself, thinks is dumb),
hoping that she'll find him entertaining and want to talk more with
him.
In both situations, however, the approaches usually come across as
insincere--and insincerity often comes through LOUD and CLEAR. When
it is not blatantly obvious, however, that a person is being fake, it
is often detecable on some deeper level. The buyer may get a "strange
vibe" from the salesman. The woman may feel that "there is something
weird" about this man who is pursuing her, even if he seems like a
friendly fellow. The result, in both scenarios, is that the man's
odds of succeeding are made much worse by the fact that he tried to
succeed by being phony.
In both situations, he comes out feeling ashamed and embarrassed by
his ridiculous, unnatural behavior. Furthermore, doing so has
actually reduced his chances of success in both situations, even
though it was intended to do the opposite. So not only does he suffer
from the shame of "selling out" by saying and doing things that he,
himself, despises just because he thought there would be positive
results, but he also has to deal with the added disappointment of NOT
getting what he wants because he has thereby ruined his own chances.
Confidence means knowing the odds of success vs. failure before
entering into a situation, and being comfortable enough with those
odds to be genuine and straightforward, despite whatever negative
result may come of it. It means being comfortable enough with
whatever failure or rejection is possible to not have to worry too
much about it, so that you can just "be yourself" (whatever part of
your true self it is that may be appropriate for the situation, that
is), and let whatever SUCCESS might be possible happen NATURALLY.
If the salesman truly did have a valuable product, and discussed it
with the prospect in an honest and straightforward manner, he would
have gotten the sale naturally. And if he had not tried to impress
the beautiful woman at the singles' bar with his fake lines, perhaps
she would have found his natural personality attractive.
Don't try to avoid failure. Accept that it is a possibility. Don't
you usually know the odds of failing at something before you attempt
it? Prepare for it.
Don't be too surprised, however, at those times when your resulting
confidence NATURALLY leads you to SUCCESS!!!
Written by: Brian Turk
http://www.BrianTurk.ORG