having horrible thoughts
Raven
for marriage or whether or not
I am stupid and unthinking.
Please also tell me how I suddenly have no job. Did I get fired without
knowing it? Last
I heard I was working 60 hours a week to support this lazy &*&@#$ who
won't work!
No place to take in life? If I get the chance to ditch one of these jobs,
I only have 3 months' worth of work
on my master's thesis.
What do YOU do to make me seem so low?
I did say I do not want to have an affair.
Raven
P.S.. My infertility is a particularly sensitive subject for me, so I
would appreciate no more pregnancy references.
> If you folks are really poor, most states have simplified procedures
> for divorces. You have no assets to quarrel about, no kids etc. Me, I
> think that you are not ready for marriage and it is fair for you two to
> divorce. You probably never will be ready to really settle down.
>
> Why did you marry that 22 year old?
>
> Re: cheating. All this ends up very badly. Your life is a sufficiently
> big mess now, with one divorce completed and another coming, no job,
> no place to take in life, etc. And an affair will make the mess even
> bigger. You will get pregnant and your life will be a irrepairable mess.
>
> What somewhat surprises me is that a women such as the one you described
> as yourself ought to be pretty stupid and unthinking. But your writing is
> very good and you seem to have some imagination. I liked this "kindness,
> sensitivity, and understanding".
>
> You do not seem to be a really bad person, a user, etc. So maybe
> you deserve to eventually find some peace and a place for yourself.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> char*p="char*p=%c%s%c;main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}";main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}
> http://www.algebra.com/~ichudov
Victoria Lee
wrote:
>Thank you for writing, however you have no idea whether or not I am ready
>for marriage
Actually you gave us a good idea about that. Marriage is about
commitment. You are married and evidently are not committed to your
marriage. You now are thinking about having sex with someone you
don't love and hopefully do not want to become committed to. AND you
are willing to break your marriage vows to do that - vows that people
who are ready for marriage would take very seriously.
Victoria Lee
hax...@scican.net
KD
>Raven <scar...@mailroom.com> wrote:
>* I am not falling in love with him, but I
>* find myself attracted to him for his kindness, sensitivity, and
>* understanding. I love the idea of being with someone unselfish and
caring.
>* I have only been with two men in my life- both husbands- and I have never
>* experienced lovemaking the way I feel it should be- a tender, mutual
>* experience...
>*
>* Raven
>*
>* P.S.. I am mainly looking for support now to help me keep from doing
>* something I really don't want to do. My temptation is so strong and it
has
>* been so hard to resist, but this is something I believe is wrong, and I
>* need support to help me do the right thing.
I've never cheated on someone in my life, never will, and here's the
formula or attitude which works for me. How much is your sense of dignity
and self-respect worth to you? That's right, you? You made a promise to
yourself when you married your husband, you would stay faithful, if you
break that promise you will cross a line, you'll know that you're the kind
of person who can break that promise, whatever happens with your husband,
your relationship, etc., that will stay with you, so in the current
situation it's just better to wait until you're separated or divorced,
you'll feel much better about the whole thing, will know that you never lost
control.
That works for me. I faced down this problem in high school, ironicly, when
I had a chance to cheat on a steady girlfriend, and I realized that my
reputation with myself was as much at stake, I didn't want to hurt this
girlfriend but I also didn't want to be the kind of person who broke this
kind of promise. It will make a difference, if you leave this marriage, for
you to know that you did it for the right reasons, lived up to your
obligations, then when it's over you can do what you want.
There are people who have a different attitude, of course, who would have
the affair because it means they're crossing the Rubicon, once they do it
there's no turning back, they don't have the courage to get a divorce so
they want circumstances, so to speak, to help them out. Here's my
suggestion as to why you should not do that, you've been married twice now
to men who haven't been good for you, without knowing the details I suspect
the reason for both marriages, in part, was they were your way of letting
circumstance help you out of a problem, in other words this isn't the first
time you've closed your eyes and jumped, you've done this twice before and
it hasn't turned out the way you wanted.
So try doing it the conservative way this time, the way where you keep your
eyes open and don't do any jumping until you're ready and you can see where
you're going. You'll feel much better about yourself. Taking
responsibility means you're ready to "own" your decisions and acknowledge
the effect they'll have on other people. Even if your second husband is a
bum he doesn't deserve being cheated on, if you take responsibility now
you'll have much more freedom later when it comes to making better choices.
Raven
understand it.
What I asked for was support in my decision to resist the urge to have an
emotional
(not necessarily sexual, but this is of no matter) affair with a friend.
To me, support is
not lecturing me in regard to why I should not do it. Obviously, since I
have made
the decision not to do it, I know these things already.
To me , support is like an email I received yesterday, saying "I know where you
are coming from. When you are the only person alone in a marriage like
this, things
like this are tempting, but you're doing the right thing". Support helps a
lot better
than putting someone on the defensive by acting as though they have made the
wrong decision.
Raven
KD
Raven wrote in message ...
>Unfortunately, too many people either didn't read my post or didn't
>understand it.
Maybe this is just one of those male/female things. Guys tend to be problem
solvers and might not take such advice as lecturing. I think I know why
some people jumped on you, though, since we don't know you or your spouse
it's just easier to sympathize with someone who might be cheated on, no one
likes being in that slot. Anyway, good luck.