Overcoming fear of physical intimacy?
A guy from New York State
recently discovered she has some issues with physical intimacy;
she says she tenses up when people touch her. The problem apparently
stems from one or more past boyfriends, and she thinks it
is the main reason she hasn't been in a relationship for over
two years now. She trusts me as a person, but I need to somehow
get her to a state where she feels comfortable with me touching
her, and where she wants me to touch her because of how it makes
her feel. She has some shoulder problems (food-related allergies
causing arthritis) which I have used as an excuse to give her
shoulder rubs. When we had dinner on Friday night, I tried
having her use visualization (guided by me) to help her arthritis
while I rubbed her shoulders and back, but I ended up stopping
when she told me how she tenses up when she is touched. I was
worried that giving her the back rub would strengthen the negative
association.
Can anyone help me with some patterns I can run to enhance her
trust and desire to be with me? I only get to see her on the
weekends due to her schedule, but I can generally get ahold
of her on the phone some evenings during the week, so I'd like
to work with her over the phone a bit, and then continue when
we hang out next weekend. She already definitely enjoys spending
time with me since on Friday she was not feeling well (stress
headache and a sore throat) but she came over anyway
(by the time she left, she felt a lot better from my neck rub,
ecinacea tea, etc.), so I just need to enhance that enjoyment
and create a desire to have me touch her. If someone could give
me patterns to run (with examples, since I'm new to this) on the
phone, and then ones to run when she comes over, I would really
appreciate it.
A couple of pitfalls I am hoping to avoid: I don't want to
associate myself with her past boyfriends, since I know most of
them were not very good to/for her (and apparently caused this
intimacy problem).
She also used to use drugs several years ago, and I while I want
to make her think of times when she felt really good so I can
associate those feelings with me, I'd naturally rather avoid making
her think of drug-induced good feelings.
One thing I was thinking of trying the next time I see her is:
"I hope you can picture yourself find someone [gesturing at myself]
when you know you're ready. Just be sure it is someone who really
cares about you [gesturing at myself again], because you deserve to
be treated right."
All feedback and help will really be appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Guy from NYS
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Jake Thomson
FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me repeat it.
FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One more time, with feeling:
FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're a therapist, it's unethical & generally criminally illegal to
have sex with your clients, at least it is in Colorado anyway. If you're
not a therapist, leave her problems alone. You won't know what you're
doing. If she wants her problems solved, she can get off her ass, pay
the money & do the work. Those are HER problems, don't make them yours.
And just in case you didn't get it the first three times I said it:
FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have a problem understanding this, get some therapy yourself.
Ok, one last time, here's my advice:
FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Any questions?
Oh yeah, just in case you missed it:
FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!
--
Two guys are walking down the street.
The first guy walks into a bar, the second one ducks.
Visit my web page:
http://www.users.uswest.net/~jakethomson
jaket...@uswest.net
A guy from New York State
This woman is right for me in every way but one; I just need
help making her comfortable with the thought of physical
intimacy with me.
Thanks,
Guy
In article <37649A60...@pop.dnvr.uswest.net>,
jaket...@uswest.net wrote:
> Seven words:
>
> FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Let me repeat it.
[which he does over and over and over]
Dan Scorpio
she's either telling you the truth or bullshitting you. If it's BS, patterns
can probably blast it (but why bother?) If her state is genuine, you are up
against it ('food related' problems - many being partially rooted in K & G
are amongst the most difficult ones to deal with).
So, questions. The basis is How, Why, Who, What and When - as you are
looking for open ended questions here to induce her to talk. When she does,
let her, and then follow up - being sure to challenge all deletions and
nominalisations. If you don't understand what I mean by that, get Bandler &
Grinder's 'The Structure of Magic, Part 1' (Amazon will deliver in a couple
of days).
The kind of questions you need to be asking are:
Exactly why does that make you uncomfortable?
What precise memories does such and such evoke?
How does this make you feel? Why?
If I do this, who does it remind you of?
When did you first have these feelings about this?
I think you might be well served in re-phrasing your question and perhaps
re-posting on alt.psychology. The issue at stake could well be one of mental
health and not seduction - which makes the majority of us in here
unqualified.
A guy from New York State wrote in message <7k11k7$6jk$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
A guy from New York State
log me out while I was writing my reply earlier. If this message
appears twice, I apologize]
Dan,
Thank you for replying.
In article <7k3hmh$20o$3...@gxsn.com>,
"Dan Scorpio" <zen...@globalnet.co.uk> wrote:
> Sounds like you need to be asking her a whole lot of questions.
>Fact here is she's either telling you the truth or bullshitting you.
> If it's BS, patterns can probably blast it (but why bother?)
> If her state is genuine, you are up against it
I believe she is telling the truth.
>('food related' problems - many being partially rooted in
>K & G are amongst the most difficult ones to deal with).
I'm not sure what K&G is, but she thinks she has an allergic
reaction to plants in the nightshade family, such as tomatoes,
which set off her arthritis (unfortunate for a 26 year old).
> So, questions. The basis is How, Why, Who, What and When -
> as you are looking for open ended questions here to induce her
>to talk. When she does, let her, and then follow up - being sure
>to challenge all deletions and nominalisations. If you don't
>understand what I mean by that, get Bandler &
> Grinder's 'The Structure of Magic, Part 1' (Amazon will deliver
> in a couple of days).
I think I have a general notion of what you mean: I need to ask
questions phrased like "what specifically" instead of "why,"
so it is harder for her to avoid a direct answer. . .
I will check that book out.
> The kind of questions you need to be asking are:
> Exactly why does that make you uncomfortable?
> What precise memories does such and such evoke?
> How does this make you feel? Why?
> If I do this, who does it remind you of?
> When did you first have these feelings about this?
OK.
> I think you might be well served in re-phrasing your question and
>perhaps re-posting on alt.psychology. The issue at stake could well
> be one of mental health and not seduction - which makes the majority
>of us in here unqualified.
I'll have to think about how to rephrase it for alt.psychology. . .
I appreciate your input.
Thanks again,
Guy
Michael Frey
relationship with them, number one it shows something wrong with your need to do so, two your not going to do it. You stated
yourself, she is perfect in every way but she doesnt want me to ever physically touch her. If you dont see whats seriously
wrong with that statement, your clarity in this situation has been shot. Its time to step back and look at what your doing.
Move on.
Hope this helps
DS
A guy from New York State
I never said I'm attracted to women I need to fix. I also
never said she was perfect, I just said she was right for me in
most ways. She has been a friend of mine, and I've been attracted to
her for a long time, although we've been in different parts of the
country until recently. Considering I only just found out about her
problem with physical intimacy last weekend, it's not like my attraction
is based on this problem. Anyway, her problem is not that she doesn't
ever want me to touch her -- I've given her a few backrubs in the last
couple weeks to help her with her shoulder pain, and she hasn't
objected -- she just says she cannot relax completely.
At any rate, she is my friend, and I want her to be happy, even if
it isn't with me, so I want to help her with her problem.
Michael Frey
A guy from New York State <solita...@my-deja.com> wrote:
>I never said I'm attracted to women I need to fix. I also
>never said she was perfect, I just said she was right for me in
>most ways. She has been a friend of mine, and I've been attracted to
>her for a long time.
Look at this sentence, this woman is a fixer. You said you are attracted to her, hence you are attracted to a woman you need
to fix. Im willing to gamble that your past relationships dealt with women who were damaged in some way. Whether or not you
see that your drawn to such women is up to you. That a problem you will have to deal with. Since you say she is a friend and
thats how you see her, the advice given here is not needed. Alt.Seduction is not about how to be a better friend. Im willing
to gamble also that you dont see her a just a friend. What people are saying here isnt stop being her friend, but lose the
possibility of being more.
DS
And the best way to help with a problem that deep, probably would be to get her professional help, not post on alt whatever.
MrSex4uNYC
>Alt.Seduction is
>not about how to be a better friend. Im willing
>to gamble also that you dont see her a just a friend. What people are saying
>here isnt stop being her friend, but lose the
>possibility of being more.
>
>DS
>
>And the best way to help with a problem that deep, probably would be to get
>her professional help, not post on alt whatever.
right. If you want to create a thread on "how to fuck a chick that does not
EVEN want you to TOUCH HER!" that is on-topic for this NG, and a worthy
challenge, I might add :)
if you want to find out how to fix a crackhead bitch with numbed nerve endings
and a history of rape while she was knocked out on drugs... try general NLP
newsgroups... not this one which is specific to getting chicks to fuck, suck,
and LIKE IT! :)