Need Sculptor Jokes Please

[Bill GirarD]

I have several lectures to give in the coming weeks on "bronze sculpture" and if any of you very clever sculptors know and "sculptor
or artist" jokes I would appreciate hearing them. I feel a need to spice up a sometimes dull subject.
Thank you.

Bill

--
Fine Art
http://www.billgirard.com

[Dan McNaul]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve
dollars for rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a hundred dollar more for
story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll
take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with
the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind
him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but
every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewer, basements, vacant
lots, windows, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels,
and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and
starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up,
squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the
time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city
blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a
lamppost, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San
Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. WHOOSH! Pulling his
legs up and clinging to the lamppost, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they
drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering... do you have a life like
sculpture of a lawyer?"

"Bill GirarD" <BillN...@billgirard.com> wrote in message
news:YIadnYKqKNb...@comcast.com...

[Dan McNaul]

There was a man, called Paddywhack, who worked in a very prestigious bank.
One day a frog came in asking for a car loan. So he gave the frog the loan
application papers. As the frog was filling them out, Paddywhack was looking
over his shoulder. In the space for 'Father' the frog wrote in 'Mick
Jagger'. Paddywhack said nothing. Then he asked the frog if he had enough
money for a deposit. The frog said he didn't but produced a strange looking
colorful glass sculpture that he said was worth a whole heap of money.
Paddywhack said he'd have to talk to his boss about this, so he took the
forms and the glass sculpture into his boss' office. He told his boss about
the papers and asked him if he knew what the sculpture was. To which his
boss replied,
"It's a nic nac Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone!"

"Bill GirarD" <BillN...@billgirard.com> wrote in message
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[Sculptingman]

Okay:

18 years ago (I think) some nutcase on tour at the Vatican pulled out
a hammer and tried to smash up Michelangelo's "Pieta"... (true story)
When apprehended and asked why he would deface the "Pieta" he replied,
"Pieta?! I thought it said PINATA!"

christopher

[Gary Waller]

> or artist" jokes I would appreciate hearing them. I feel a need to spice
up a sometimes dull subject.
> Thank you.
>

Not a joke - but I kind of liked this one
"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while
working." Albert Giacometti (sculptor) "

[Akilli]

Here's a thought which is sure to win them over:

"But had the oxen or the lions hands,
Or could with hands depict a work like men,
Were beasts to draw the semblance of the gods,
The horses would them like to horses sketch,
To oxen, oxen, and their bodies make
Of such a shape as to themselves belongs."

Xenocrates

[Paul Nuttall]

Not exactly jokes, but very funny stories told by David Smith (from David
Smith by David Smith):

"1934 - I showed two of my iron sculptures at Julien Levy Galleries along
with several wood sculptures (big iron head). Levy asked -"This head is not
stuck together with chewing gum, is it?""

Second story:
"1937 - (Pierre Matisse) took some photos and the "Reclining Figure" to
Matisse gallery - Matisse said, "It looked better before you unwrapped it""

Well, I like them anyway!
Paul

"Bill GirarD" <BillN...@billgirard.com> wrote in message
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[Dan S]

An artist's model showed up late and sneezing. "I don't feel like
modelling today, I hab a code" she sniffled.
"Yes, that's okay, my hands are sore anyway" said the sculptor.
"Just rest, and I'll make us some hot tea."
Soon the artist saw his wife coming. "Hurry! Strip!" he cried, "Or my
wife will be suspicious!"

Dan
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In article <YIadnYKqKNb...@comcast.com>, "Bill GirarD"

[Dan S]

My favorite anecdote about artists..
In the '20s I believe, some bohemian babe was attracted to an
avant-garde artist. She attached herself to him, but the affair lasted
only a month.
"All his weirdness is in his work." she complained.

Dan
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In article <YIadnYKqKNb...@comcast.com>, "Bill GirarD"
<BillN...@billgirard.com> wrote:

[joncattan]

Here's a couple of amusing anecdotes I read in a book,
The Sorcerer's Apprentice by John Richardson (one of
Picasso's biographers)

Picasso,on hearing that his friend Braque had been admitted
to hospital,rushed off to visit him .He returned home enraged
The nurse had refused his visit as Madame Braque was already visiting.
''Don't they realize that 'I' am Madame Braque'' said the very
important artist.

Braque and Picasso were great friends at one time,but in time Braque cooled
off over political differences.
''Picasso used to be a great painter''.Braque liked to say.
''Now he is merely a genius.''

jon cattan.

Bill GirarD" <BillN...@billgirard.com> wrote in message
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[Bill GirarD]

Thank you each and every one for your inputs. The lecture was a success, I guess, cause I picked up three more speaking
engagements. Now if I had the knowledge and talent of those of you that posted humor. Thank you gentlemen

Bill

--
Fine Art
http://www.billgirard.com

"Bill GirarD" <BillN...@billgirard.com> wrote in message news:YIadnYKqKNb...@comcast.com...

[Dan S]

Now, about my fees..

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In article <c_ecnevwfbs...@comcast.com>, "Bill GirarD"