Saying no to a friend
Courageous
> It was almost pathetic.
You're not her friend. Don't fool yourself.
C/
~J~
Leon wrote:
> Is there a gentle way to tell her that there is no way that there can
> be anything more than friendship between the two of us?
No, there is no gentle way, you've just got to suck it up and tell her.
>
Nate
> >> be anything more than friendship between the two of us?
> >
> >No, there is no gentle way, you've just got to suck it up and tell her.
>
> Maybe I'll just do nothing and make sure that I never end up alone
> with her again and after a couple weeks she will surely get the hint.
>
>
> Leon
Do you really think that will work? And is it fair to her? Think about it
this way, if you fell in love with a girl you spent time with, would you
rather her tell you it would never happen, or eventually find out for
yourself, and still have to spend time around that girl?
Serena
Leon, there is no easy solution to problems like this. At least you do
have points for not sleeping with her. I will tell you a short story of
ironies in love and life. I am a college student trying to survive the
pressures here. I make the mistake of falling for my best friend. Only I
never make moves like your friend has, and one night he confesses he's
wanted to kiss me, he's just never gotten the gumption. Well I make my
mind up not to pursue things further, only somehow in one weekend he did.
He kissed me, slept with me, and only after the fact told me he was in
love with someone else. It is crushing enough to hear that the person you
love doesn't love you, but don't add any complications to it or you may
not be able to be friends..
It is never easy to tell someone this crushing blow, but you need to be
honest before you go and hurt her more by leading the idea on. Trust me.
To spinoff the previous story, imagine me hurting and hating love
completely, having only one friend i trust that i hang with. now he falls
in love with me. suddenly i'm on the flipside and i have to figure out a
way not to break his heart, because i wouldn't wish that pain on the worst
enemy. well there isn't a way that has no pain. so my advice, tell her,
be blunt, and don't let any of her advances go any farther, no matter what
she may believe. you didn't sleep with her so you still have a chance.
don't blow it, for her sake, because people's hearts are fragile things.
hope this helps you see a little better...
michelle
Leon wrote:
~J~
Leon wrote:
> On Mon, 06 Mar 2000 08:38:03 -0500, ~J~ <nutme...@snet.net> wrote:
>
> >> Is there a gentle way to tell her that there is no way that there can
> >> be anything more than friendship between the two of us?
> >
> >No, there is no gentle way, you've just got to suck it up and tell her.
>
> It's something I don't look forward to. I really hate this situation.
There are many situations like that in life, but you KNOW what the right
thing to do is, believe me you will feel much better once it is over and
done with.
>
> Maybe I'll just do nothing and make sure that I never end up alone
> with her again and after a couple weeks she will surely get the hint.
No Leon, that won't work and you know it. You'd be left feeling terrible
too and running around trying to avoid her and for what? If you can't tell
it to her face, consider writing her a note and make sure to tell her that
your judgement was impaired the other night.
Courageous
> >> It was almost pathetic.
> >You're not her friend. Don't fool yourself.
> I didn't mean to say that *she* was pathetic, but the
> situation certainly was.
That's why I know you're not her friend. If you were
really her friend, you'd care about her heart. Referring
to her being in love with you (the "situation," as you
so anasthetically put it) as "pathetic" indicates
contempt.
C/
~J~
Courageous wrote:
> Referring to her being in love with you (the "situation," as you so
> anasthetically put it) as "pathetic" indicates contempt.
I see it as an indication of contempt for her actions, not necessarily
for her. You can still like a person regardless and not be fond of
their actions.
~J~
Leon wrote:
>
> A colleague gave me the advise to tell her: "I like you a lot, but I
> thought it over and I'm not ready for a serious commitment right now."
Yes, but it still doesn't explain why you spent the night with her and it will
leave her wondering.
>
> > If you can't tell it to her face, consider writing her a note and make
> >sure to tell her that your judgement was impaired the other night.
>
> Wouldn't that make her feel embarrassed?
Not necessarily, it will give her mind a reason for your actions, otherwise
she may hate you for leading her on.
> I think that it will most defenitly be the end of our friendship.
If you let her know you made a mistake and you aren't looking for a
relationship with her, then it really is up to her how to handle herself
around you.
> And as she and I have a lot of the same friends, we will both feel akward
> every time we meet each other.
That will be true no matter what you say to her and only time will make it
better.
Serena
Leon wrote:
> On Mon, 06 Mar 2000 15:03:57 -0500, Serena <ser...@comicgeek.com>
> wrote:
>
> >Leon, there is no easy solution to problems like this. At least you do
> >have points for not sleeping with her. I will tell you a short story of
> >ironies in love and life. I am a college student trying to survive the
> >pressures here. I make the mistake of falling for my best friend. Only I
> >never make moves like your friend has, and one night he confesses he's
> >wanted to kiss me, he's just never gotten the gumption.
>
> I know it's difficult to control who you fall in love with, but I
> personally have never made a move for a girl I considered a good
> friend. Everything gets way to complicated if the relationship breaks
> up for one reason or another. It's much more serious to be rejected by
> a friend than by someone you just met a week ago at a party.
Yes it is. And for real love, there is no control. But if the issue arises from
either side, i.e. you falling for her or her for you but the feeling is *not*
mutual then it has to be dealt with. Period.
> > Well I make my mind up not to pursue things further, only somehow in one
> > weekend he did. He kissed me, slept with me, and only after the fact told me
> >he was in love with someone else.
>
> I think what your friend has done to you is a downright dirty trick.
> And if I were a mutual friend I would certainly say something to him
> about the way he treated you.
Yes it hurt me a lot. He's forgotten all about it, and it's very difficult to
remain friends, somehow we still are, but our friendship will never be the same.
> > It is crushing enough to hear that the person you love doesn't love you,
> >but don't add any complications to it or you may not be able to be friends..
> >It is never easy to tell someone this crushing blow, but you need to be
> >honest before you go and hurt her more by leading the idea on. Trust me.
>
> The way I see it, it will be difficult to remain friends in the same
> way with someone who hurt your feelings. Discussions about romance and
> boyfriends or girlfriends will always be emotionally charged.
Believe it or not, hearts do heal, and you can still be friends if you allow time
to heal. Whether you like it or not, things will be awkward and emotional for a
while, but give it time, end it now, and let her heal. If you continue with
little or no action things'll only get worse.
> >To spinoff the previous story, imagine me hurting and hating love
> >completely, having only one friend i trust that i hang with. now he falls
> >in love with me. suddenly i'm on the flipside and i have to figure out a
> >way not to break his heart, because i wouldn't wish that pain on the worst
> >enemy. well there isn't a way that has no pain.
>
> Are you still friends after you told him?
Yes we are friends. It's difficult because it may come down to not being friends,
because if you say "I'm not interested right now" it leaves this fake hope/safety
bit that allows them to continue a false love that, they'll be interested later.
Make no mistake, your friendship will change, but it doesn't necessarily have to
die.
> >so my advice, tell her, be blunt, and don't let any of her advances go any
> >farther, no matter what she may believe. you didn't sleep with her so you
> >still have a chance. don't blow it, for her sake, because people's hearts are
> >fragile things. hope this helps you see a little better...
>
> Thank you for your story Michelle and your advise. I know that telling
> it to her is morally the right thing to do, but I still have doubts if
> it can't be done in a way that nobody has to feel rejected.
Honestly that's what you are doing, because the opposite is accepting and you have
told us how you have no interest. Now you have to tell her, because the longer
you wait, the more her love grows, the harder it will be.
> In your personal email you asked me what my first language was; as I
> live in The Netherlands it's Dutch. It always takes me up to more then
> five times as long to write a message in a foreign language and I'm
> also not capable to incorporate the different shades of meaning in the
> same way a native speaker does.
It just comes with practice ;D. Reason I asked was I am also fluent in French so
I know whatcha mean about languages.
So, just get up the guts, face the facts, and *TELL HER*. Good luck...
Michelle
> Leon
Wayne J. Rasmussen
: Yes it is. And for real love, there is no control.
How many people feel this is really true? I wonder...
Detective Stephen J. Ryan
world is when you're in love with a friend, no matter what move you make or
when you do it don't kid yourself, things WILL NEVER be the same again.
---------------
Detective Stephen "Jack" Ryan
National Infrastructure Agency
Chicago Operations Office -- JQL65486410
The NIA is a non-profit anti-computer crime organization in Chicago, IL.
-----------------
I do not claim to be law enforcement.
salover
>
> A colleague gave me the advise to tell her: "I like you a lot, but I
> thought it over and I'm not ready for a serious commitment right now."
Well, as a man and previous 'Nice Guy' I heard this rejection line
several times.
It sound the 'easy way out' and many think it does not hurt ones
feelings but...
If the person who hears this really has a crush on the sayer, it might
take some time
to get over it and it hurts all the same.
The sayer of this line might even marry within a year, exposing him or
her as a liar.