Kim Baker: MY STORY CONTINUES: THE BEAST (Part 1 of 3)

[Kim Baker via Ron Newman]

Kim Baker has asked me to post this series of three messages
on her behalf.

If you have archived her "My Story" on your
web site, please add these additional chapters.

-- Ron Newman

----------------------------

I have decided to release this publically, now. I have Arnie Lerma
and Lawrence Wollersheim's assurance that FACTNet will not turn on
Bob Penny. Due to the sensitive nature of the legal issues, I do not
require a detailed statement from them at this stage, their word is
good enough for me, because I know them. I also know Bob Penny, and
have met him, and can assure you that he is suffering, and his
physical condition is deteriorating. That Scientology could persist
with their case against him is the most utterly inhumane and cruel
action I have encountered in this area, yet.

Kim Baker
28 August 1996

MY STORY CONTINUES.


THE BEAST

by Kim Baker, Copyright 1996



For Bob Penny, Margery Wakefield, Jon Atack,
Paulette Cooper, Monica Pignotti, Arnie Lerma,
and countless others who know what The Beast is.

INTRO:

I started writing this so many times. And then had to stop. And try
again, and again. This is one of the most difficult things I have
ever done, and not something I particularly relish doing. It would be
so easy just to move on, and forget it all. My urge has been to get
as far away from everyone and everything associated with this, as
possible. I still feel that way. So, why am I writing it?
There are two reasons. The one is that it follows on from "My story".
To leave "My story", as it stands on the web, is to leave an
incomplete story, and one that could mislead people. The second
reason is that I have a responsibility to all the people I let down,
particularly those in FACTNet, to make the truth public. I have no
part of FACTNet anymore, but I at least owe them this.

This will show that I was not "instantly cured" of my cult
conditioning, like I seemed to be to those who knew me, and it will
show the lengths that Scientology will go to, to wipe out its
opposition. CAN and FACTNet are at the top of Scientology's list of
enemies. With CAN's demise, Scientology now has more resources to
devote to the destruction of FACTNet. I know for a fact this is their
number one goal - to have FACTNet rendered ineffective and
neutralised - to have what they see as a "hate group" destroyed,
because it contains information critical of them - and very damning -
it has the documentation from the FBI raids, and several accounts and
testimonies of former members.

Both of those organisations were/are there to help people. But they
cannot survive without the reciprocal help and support of people. So,
the final part of the reason I have decided to write this is to
appeal, as widely as possible, for people everywhere to support
FACTNet now.

Scientology has millions of dollars in its coffers, it is an
international organisation, staffed by hundreds of people, and can
afford to keep litigation going forever, from the vast amounts of
money procured from its highly-priced courses and auditing
levels. "One life-time is not long enough to litigate against
Scientology", boasted David Miscavige at the 1994 IAS (International
Association of Scientologists) event. What kind of a "religion" is
that?

MY STORY and ARS:

"My story" ended up "happily-ever-after", with my monumental
stupidity, and stars in my eyes while I rode into the sunset. Only it
was a fake sunset, made out of cast iron, and I rode straight into it
and crashed. This account is how it *really* ended. Warning: this is
not light, fun, bed-time reading. It'll probably make you sick.

CONTEXT:

I wrote "My Story", took a break, then hung out on
alt.religion.scientology (hereafter referred to as ARS) for a while,
enjoying the opportunity to express my opinion, and talk to people.
ARS was a very important "place", for me, personally. Stuck out here
in South Africa, there are no support groups, or places to go to meet
people who have had similar experiences. I was alone here, and thus
ARS had a perhaps exaggerated importance to me - it was my *sole*
source of support. I have now, as a result of the events I am about
to reveal, cut myself off from all individuals and groups in this
conflict, and any form of support. I prefer to go it alone now.

In those days, ARS was still quite a pleasant place to hang out.
For an ex-Scientologist recently out. As it stands now, I wouldn't
recommend anyone who is in any way vulnerable to do anything more
than lurk there. There is a VAST gap of understanding between
critics, who have entered this group because of the threat to the
Internet, and people who have actually personally been in
Scientology, and then left for various reasons. For someone who has
never been subjected to the series of processes that are designed to
alter your mind, they just cannot understand where the ex-members
are coming from. They cannot understand the handicap those people
carry within themselves, which often manifests in their behavioral
patterns. You can only really understand it if you've experienced it.
And so, critics (I would like to believe) inadvertantly hurt ex-
members, by going on about what stupid and terrible people those ex-
members are - making the damage worse, making it that much more
difficult to re-integrate into society.

There is, however, a positive side to that - the critics are
unaffected by the the techniques that instill fear or guilt into ex-
members. They don't fall for the same lines. They are immune, because
they have never been conditioned in the first place. The only thing
they fall for, is Scientology's "Dead Agenting" tactics - character
assassinations of ex-members. This has driven many ex-members from
the group. So, ARS is *not* a good place for an ex-member, who is not
*well* on the road to recovery, or has a *very* thick skin, to be.
It is most definitely *not* a support group.

THE RAIDS:

The raid by Scientology on Arnie Lerma, a Director of FACTNet who
posted the infamous Fishman documents to the Internet when they were
still publically available court records, outraged me. For that
matter, the earlier one on Dennis Erlich, too, but I thought that the
raid on Dennis was a once- off, and that they (Scn) wouldn't be
stupid enough to do it *again*. But they did. On Arnie. Purportedly
because Steve Fishman had managed to be the first person to get the
so-called OT materials (Scientology's Upper Level, confidential, and
highly expensive processes) included in the court records, (people
often forget that, when they go on about how terrible Steve Fishman
is, that he was the first one to achieve this) and Scientology
claimed copyright infringements. The history of all this is
documented on the web.

I couldn't believe it. This was apartheid South Africa come to
America. Where the police could raid your home, search
your private property, and mess you around any way they pleased, any
time of day or night, because it was a "State of Emergency." They
raided Arnie's home for alleged *copyright infringements*? This was
nothing short of outrageous. America is looked at by people in my
region of the world as a symbol of hope, of freedom, of what things
should be like. (of course, the fact that all this wonderful freedom
came after the colonisers put their boot in the face of the American
Indian, and was about to do the same to African Americans is a matter
of some considerable concern to me. But I digress.)

And although it never happened in my country, I felt personally moved
to oppose this travesty of justice in the strongest possible terms.
In my country, we have very low expectations of justice and freedom,
based on our ghastly history. But if the so-called free world was
going to start resorting to this, then the world is in trouble. God,
not in *America*. Oh yes, in America. And they hadn't finished yet,
although I didn't know that at that stage.

FACTNet:

Bob Penny and I had been talking, about FACTNet, and various other
things. FACTNet is an electronic library, with materials on various
cults, including Scientology, and was started by Lawrence
Wollersheim, who is the Executive Director, and Bob Penny, also a
Director at that stage.

It was at this time that Bob invited me onto the Board of
Directors, and I was voted on by the Board. The idea was that I would
come on, and just take my time, getting the feel of things, what it
was all about, and define my own role after a while. I was very
excited at the idea of an electronic library on the subject of
coercive psychology, and research, and a unique chance to participate
in the analytical examination of this whole cult phenomenon. I knew
that coercive psychology extends to political groups, businesses,
etc. It is just *so* broad. It was something I still didn't really
understand, and so researching and documenting it was just *the* best
thing. I knew that Bob has Multiple Sclerosis, and that he needed
help with editing, and various other things, so, as agreed, I came on
board on a low profile. Bob and I were in the middle of a
conversation when suddenly mail just stopped coming. I had a chill
down my spine, and then the word came through, he and Lawrence had
been raided. This was just unbelievably INSANE! Had the authorities
gone totally mad? I was totally cut off, I couldn't get through to
either of them on the telephone, and I didn't know what was going on.
I decided to jump in feet first to draw as much public attention and
outrage to the Raids as I possibly could, and my only vehicle, stuck
out here in the "Bush", was ARS. I posted a press release that
Lawrence and Bob and I had been working on, ahead of schedule -
because I didn't know when I'd hear from them again. I was also
worried sick about Bob, and his medical condition, and what this
Gestapo-like tactic would do to his health.

This catapulted me into a public leadership role I most certainly was
*not* ready for. But I was the only one left who could speak, and so
I just shut my eyes, and plunged in, and hoped for the best. Hah.
Never hope for the best. As a result of being the only one, despite
the fact that I had very little idea of what was happening in the
States, and had to rely on people getting things though to me, with
the time-zone difference that would sometimes be "old" news by the
time I received it, I started getting swamped with e-mail. Sometimes
100 - 250 a day, I'd have to stay on at work to attend to it after
hours, sometimes until midnight. I don't have a computer at home,
very few South Africans can afford this luxury - so my computer was
always a half hour drive away from where I live. This becomes
relevant later.

It was like being back in an Org, on staff! I mostly enjoyed
it, talking to people, helping others, etc., but I wasn't in a
position to answer important queries on finance, the legal situation,
etc. I simply did not have the knowledge. And I was quite overwhelmed
by the sheer volume. And I was unaware of the fact that I had, by
becoming a Director of FACTNet, just placed a target on myself, and
invited OSA to shoot. I started being "zoomed" in private e-mail, by
various OSA identities. And I read the stuff. And it affected me.
Yes. It DAMN well affected me. Where it would not have affected
someone who had never been conditioned to the Scientology world view,
it touched on things deep within me, left over from my earlier
programming.

THE BOMB THREAT:

In the week preceding the bomb threat phone call that Malcolm
Nothling (a litigant against Scientology, who lives in South Africa,
but is not on the Internet) received, I had already started to feel
really, really stretched and stressed out. I had received a lot of e-
mail from various posters whom I assume were Scientologists, and/or
OSA, appealing to things in me that I had thought were gone: "Why are
you attacking that which gives spiritual freedom?". It was in e-mail.
I had been analysing Andrew Milne's (at that stage, the only
"official" Scientology representative on ARS) posts, for hints of
where they were going to hit, etc, and also to counter his PR lies.

But the damn things were affecting me. I was feeling my geographical
distance very strongly. I had a concern about what Milne claimed to be
Arnie's connection to Willis Carto. I felt myself mentally
wobbling. I didn't feel I could tell any of the others, because they
all were under fire and pressure, too. They were in fact, under much
worse pressure than me, and they didn't need me whingeing and whining
about how I felt.

So, I recognised the danger of the state I was in, and was looking
for a way to withdraw from the conflict for a while.

Then there was the South African scene. Sigh. I was very definitely
fighting too many battles. Anyhow. In addition to all this, Malcolm
and I had been tense with each other - he thought I was a plant,
(a "plant" can be defined as an OSA operative, a "field agent", or
"Field Staff Member" (FSM), who moves in on an area, under an
identity, for the purpose of gathering intelligence information on
Scientology's defined targets, to pass back on to them - OSA
Investigations, or OSA Invest, use expendible FSMs for this purpose)
I think he had for a while, and I was bothered by his former
police/SADF ties (SADF - South African Defence Force - the army
which kept the apartheid regime in place, and conscription was
compulsory for all white males).

So, Malcolm and I had never really been comfortable with each other.
He never even knew I had become a Director of FACTNet until quite
late in the day. And he had no idea of the high-profile I had on the
net at that stage. I tried to tell him, but he couldn't understand -
you can't really, unless you've actually seen what the net is about.

I had a week's study leave coming up, for an International Politics
exam. Since I don't have a computer at home, this was to be the break
I badly needed. And then Malcolm phoned me, and told me about the
bomb threat. He had received a call from someone with a Zimbabwean
accent, who said that as a result of the ruling in the Gerry
Armstrong case, a Scientology org was going to be bombed. He asked
Malcolm if he wanted to be part of the operation, since he had
expertise in the field of explosives.

I immediately said to Malcolm that it sounded like an OSA op,
and he said no, he was *convinced* it was genuine, it was going to
happen, and he didn't want to be framed for it when it happened, and
would I post to the Net saying it happened, and that he disassociates
himself from it. I was hesistant, knowing the effect this might have
on the FACTNet scenario, but I also felt obliged to help him, because
he had been standing alone in South Africa, for seven years, going
through sheer hell, and his case just never coming to trial
- a fault of our totally laughable court system. He and I talked,
and then got into an argument - he asked me *why* I was in the fight,
what were my motives, he said he thought I should get out while I
still had some dignity, and I thought to myself how much Milne's
posts had affected me....and how much I wanted to get out...but it
was a long call, late at night...two hours I think, and we just went
round and round in circles, till he suggested I just post the thing,
and resign at the same time. *He* was the one who suggested I link
the two. And I was so confused - I couldn't understand why my *own*
side was blowing me off, and I started thinking maybe *he* was
working for the Church, and oh man, it just got ridiculous. The next
morning, instead of doing the logical thing and discussing it with
Bob, I just posted the message.

I found out later, after making peace with him and then going
our separate ways, that Malcolm did what he did because he cared
about me. He didn't want me to get hurt, and he knew, far better than
I, what the pitfalls were. I think he thought I thought it was all a
game, and I didn't realise just what I had gotten myself into.
He felt I should just get on with my life, and stay out of the jungle.
He was not the only one to warn me. Dennis Erlich also did, in the
early days, warn me not to become the "poster child" of ARS - both of
them saw in me, I think, the danger of that conditioning which had
had a deeper impact on me than I or the critics wanted to recognise.

But I didn't see it. And I posted the message. And then, I had a very
bad feeling that something was going to happen, so I scrabbled
together something I'd been working on, on the similarities between
Hubbard and Hitlers' organisational and political structures, but I
didn't have time to do a fully researched report, just pieced
together the basics, and I got it to Bob. Both Lawrence and Bob asked
me to reconsider my resignation, and I told both of them I needed
time to get my head together. And because Malcolm so had the wind up
about this bomb threat thing, and because *he* took it seriously, I
did, too. I assumed, because he had so much experience with fighting
Scientology, and I had so little, that if he said something was so,
then it was. I trusted his judgement over mine. He was the one who
received the call, not me.

Malcolm and I *both* made a mistake there. That was my first mistake.

And then I did something really, really stupid. I didn't think so at
the time, I thought it was perfectly reasonable. I phoned David
(OSA, Johannnesburg), and told him I was leaving the
conflict. I had hoped that if I told them I was out of it, they
would leave me alone and the danger I was feeling in regard to
my own mental state could be averted, because I believed them when
they had previously said they wouldn't attack unless someone attacked
them first. He asked me to put it in writing and fax it to
him. I did. Yes. I *did* that. The fax was full of apologies and guilt
and concern at what I saw to be the hatred on the Internet.

And I thought that was that. Oh God. Oh God. If only it
had been. If only they had just left it at that, and let me go.
But no. I got myself into this. I've got to go all the way down the
road, now. To be absolutely fair to David, I had sent him confusing
signals too. I *didn't* like the harshness on the Internet, the
invective against Scientologists, it was affecting me *as if* I was
still a Scientologist. I genuinely wished there could be some way to
alleviate this and I still believed there could be some reasonable
way out of this. However, to an OSA-trained Sea Org member, this must
have sounded like I was ready to do Steps A -E. Strike a blow to the
"enemy" (critics) without regard to personal danger. I forgot that. I
forgot how they think. *Monumental* stupidity on my part.

*That* was the point where I let everyone down. To be stupid enough
to make friendly overtures to the OSA, I should have known better, I
really should. I offer no excuse. I did *not* intend at that stage to
betray everyone, at all. I just wanted out, because I knew I wasn't
sufficiently recovered to hold onto my views - my cult indoctrination
was still too recent - less than a year, and I was in for four years.
I just wanted OSA to know that I was out, and leave me alone. My fear
of them was that they *would* have a power over me, I had been
indoctrinated to fear them, whereas a critic would just laugh in
their face.

THE BELLY OF THE BEAST:

On 17th October, 1995, I had just started my study leave, and was
preparing to study for my exam - had a lot to get through, as I'd
neglected it in the last two months, after joining FACTNet - and I
was working full-time, so I had a week to cram a year's work.

And at 5.25 pm or so, there was a pounding knock on the door of my
apartment (we say "flat" here, but I've become so used to saying
"apartment" for the Americans). At the time, I had someone staying
with me - I had invited them to stay, a few months ago because they
were very ill, and needed someone to take care of them for a while.
They were in the apartment when this happened. Knock, knock, and then
trying the door handle. Jesus. I knew. I said : - "don't answer"
- and then I saw David, going to the other flats (it's a ground floor
flat, with little blocks around a lawn), asking the neighbours where
I was...oh God, it *is* him. What was he *doing* here? I had thought
that my location in Cape Town, literally on the edge of the world,
would protect me, since OSA Africa is based in Johannesburg.

I didn't want the person staying with me to know what any of this
was, the shock could have killed them. Literally. I had to protect
them from the OSA goons. So I opened the door when David pounded
again, and stood outside with him.

I asked him what he wanted, and he said just to talk a bit, and that
he had come down from Johannesburg for a mission, and that he thought
he'd say hello to me while he was here. I was wary, and so I stalled
him, and said that I was in the middle of something, and would he
come back in an hour. He was very reluctant, but then said, OK, well
maybe we can grab some supper, or so. He made out like it was very
casual. I had no wish to have supper, or talk to him, and I certainly
had not invited him to meet with me, but I didn't want to antagonise
him, and have him create a scene, which would have upset the person
staying with me.

I went back inside. I was wavering - what the hell do I do?
I knew that I needed help, I wouldn't be able to get rid of him by
myself. Anyhow, I figured I better call someone. I
called Malcolm. He wasn't there, and I didn't leave a message on his
machine. I didn't feel, after our last conversation, that he was
someone I could turn to. There was no-one else in South Africa. I
tried to call Lawrence in the States, but he wasn't there
either - it was a bad time. What could anyone over there have done,
anyway? This wasn't their country. Different laws, different
conditions, totally different circumstances. I became aware of how
far from this artificial world of cyberspace I was - of how you get
the illusion of being connected to the world, but you're not, really.
When the trouble comes, you're on your own. Or I was, anyhow. I had
no support network around me, apart from Malcolm, and after our last
conversation, even that tenuous thread was not there. I was on my
own, and trying to protect someone who was ill.

And of course, I have no computer at home, so I couldn't send an e-
mail out. I didn't want to drive to my place of work, and leave the
person staying with me alone.

So, I called the police, and told them that there was someone
bothering me, whom I didn't want to speak to, who would be coming
back, and would they come around? I was nervous about having done
this, because the police make me nervous, and I knew that David
would be angry, but I felt that a police presence should get the
message across that I wasn't willing to enter into a dialogue with
David, and that he would back off, not wanting any trouble for
Scientology with the law.

They never came. THEY NEVER CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This
happens often - because they are very, very short staffed, badly
underpaid, and cannot cope with the crime rate, which is escalating
crazily (It's just been announced that Johannesburg - dear little
Johannesburg - now has the highest crime rate in the *world!* That's
higher than Mexico City, which is *huge* in comparison. While I live
in Cape Town, and it's not quite as bad as Johannesburg, it's not far
behind. The Manenburg street gangs. The vigilantes murdering drug
dealers, taking the law into their own hands, because the law
is failing. The Minister of Justice in hiding becuase of a threat on
his life - and everyone says that if the police cannot protect a
*cabinet minister*, then they can't protect anyone. Mad. The whole
country's gone bloody mad. Everyone wants to blow everyone's head
off, or set each other alight....and there's no protection from the
police, you're on your own....just a semblance of some sort of system
that occasionally, if you're lucky, works.....but I digress again.)

I wasn't lucky, this was too trivial for them to bother with.
I waited, they never came, and then David was back at the door.
I was now terrified, I had relied on the fact that the police would
come, and the problem would be solved, but that had not happened. And
I realised that *I* had to deal with it, somehow, myself. The person
staying with me wondered what all this was about, and I told them not
to worry, that I was just going out for supper, and would be back in
a hour or so. I just wanted to get him away from them. So, I went
with him. I wanted to take my car, but he insisted we go in his. I
wasn't terribly comfortable about that, but I went anyway. Already,
even at this stage, like an IDIOT, I am responding to his "control",
giving him a power over me which he is not entitled to.
The conditioning has already kicked in. A simple thing like that. "My
car". "No, MY car." "Oh, OK."

While we were in the car, he said he'd rather go back to his hotel
(the Woodstock Holiday Inn) for supper, since it was easier, and
there was someone he wanted me to meet. I went cold. I said "Who?" He
laughed and said not to worry, it would be fine. My heart was in my
stomach. On one level I knew. On another, I refused to face it, I'm
just going to try and deal with whatever comes up as best I can.
I kept telling myself that I had dealt with him before, I could do
it again, and I kept telling myself that as long as I just hung on to
my own view, I would be OK, I could handle it.

When he mentioned the "someone else", I wanted to tell him to
stop the car, but I didn't. I have already, at this stage,
relinquished my conscious adult rights, and am responding to him like
a goddamn *kid*.

We went up to the hotel room, and there was one other person there.
David introduced her to me as Anne, from OSA Int in LA. I never got
her surname. They ordered supper, I didn't want any (food was the
last thing I wanted right then), and were very friendly. I was
cautious. David waved my fax at me and said they were here because I
had said I wanted to settle. I replied that that was *not* what I
meant at all.

They asked me why I had resigned FACTNet, and I said that I just
needed some space and time. They said no, it was because I was
basically a good person, I had decency, and I KNEW that I was
attacking something that gave spiritual freedom. Oh my God. There it
was again. I felt immediate guilt. I managed to stammer that I did
not believe that Scientology gave spiritual freedom, but that I could
concede that they believed it gave spiritual freedom to them. David
brought up my past love of auditing, and asked how I could reconcile
that urge to heal with "attacking" Scientology, that it didn't make
sense.

He spoke of my "very high ARC", my decency, and he said he *knew* the
hatred on the internet bothered me. Perfectly true, it did. I felt
guilty, in some way responsible for that hatred, because I had lead
the campaign of outrage against the raids on FACTNet. Even though I
kept calling for more reason, more compassion, people were angry, and
posting what I saw as hate-filled posts. What bothered me is that
from having being a Scientologist so recently myself, I couldn't stop
seeing them as *people* - no matter how wrong they were, they were
still people, and I hated the cruel comments and insults that were
slung at them. I forgot that they are mostly immune to these comments.
The OSA people are. But your average walk-in public Scientologist is
NOT. They are *human beings*, with thoughts and feelings and hopes
and the ability to feel pain. Granted, they are being put through a
series of mind-altering courses and procedures that will take all
that away from them, but the process is often not complete. And so by
insulting them, people are just hurting those parts of them that are
human, and pushing them further into Scientology - people are just
fulfilling Hubbard's description of "SPs." Many ex-Scientologists do
NOT agree with me on this one, but I STILL, through everything,
condemn the hatred of Scientologists. I *equally* condemn the
suppression of rational criticism.

So, I had immense guilt over this. They portrayed themselves as very
hurt at the attack on their spirituality, and I felt sick - I had
always had the most intense belief in religious freedom, and the
right to hold whatever religious beliefs one wanted. They pushed on
this one, HARD. They appealed to my decency, my belief in God, belief
in religious freedom, desire to heal, my love of people, my
compassion. Huh. Some decency. I have nothing but contempt for myself.
(Button number one: religious freedom - I can see it now, I couldn't
then).

They started asking me about the copyrights, about FACTNet, and they
hit on Arnie Lerma and Willis Carto right away. HOW could I support
someone who had ties to a white supremacists? I replied that while I
had never met Arnie, and had only corresponded with him, I had grown
to love him and his spirit. They said how I could easily gain a false
impression from e-mail only, and didn't the fact that he was friends
with a white supremacist bother me? (Button number two - white
supremacists, a *very* *very* strong one for me, because I've lived
under their brutal regime all my life, and witnessed their savage
cruelty over and over again). I admitted that I had trouble with that
one, but that I didn't see how it was relevant here. They asked if I
knew that Vaughn (Robert Vaughn Young, a former senior Public
Relations officer for Scientology, who was in Scn for 20 years, and
left in 1989 - hereafter referred to as RVY) also had ties to Carto.

I laughed and said that that was wrong, because RVY had only met
Carto once, to explore a Nazi/Scn link, and that he'd posted this on
the net. They left off RVY then, and went on about Arnie. They asked
me if I'd ever asked Arnie about Carto, and I had. Arnie had not
answered me fully at the time. They seized on that and asked why I
thought that was.

Most people knew that I was particularly anti-racist, they said,
Arnie probably did not want to be straight with me about that.
And so, they successfully got me focused on this thing, and off my
own focus, which was that Arnie and I had worked together opposing
the *ideology* of Scientology. They got my focus off ideology, and
onto personalities. Standard Dead Agenting tactic.

It went on and on and on. My head was spinning and spinning, and they
kept evoking that guilt over "attacking their spiritual freedom".
This was quite simply the thing that did it. I felt *so* guilty at my
"evilness" in "attacking their spiritual freedom", that I blanked out
the logical distinction of what "attacking" meant. It was just
criticism. That's all. But I couldn't see that, because I was blinded
by my own guilt.

They wanted me to write a confession of how I had received
the Fishman documents from Arnie, and passed them on to Malcolm. I
refused, saying I wasn't going to betray my friends, that I was
prepared to take whatever they would do to me, since I admitted that
I felt wrong in receiving and passing on their materials, which they
held sacred, even if I didn't feel they were sacred - I actually
thought they were evil, but they *considered* them sacred - so they
could punish me, but I was not going to hurt my friends.

But I couldn't hold on to that.

It got so late, about 3.00 in the morning, and I was tired, and I
just wanted to get out of there, and they said: "You would protect
Wollersheim in attacking our right to practice the religion the
way we want to? Wollersheim is attacking OUR religious freedom, and
you would protect him?" I couldn't think straight, I asked for more
time to think about it, but they just kept on and on. At that point,
something happened to me. I still don't understand it. If you've
never been in a cult, there's no WAY you'll understand it. But I
"snapped". It felt like that. Suddenly, I was back in the Key to Life
course-room, being indoctrinated about ethics, and how evil it is to
attack Scientology. Suddenly, I was in that weird state of
consciousness again. It was like my memory of the whole time I had
been out of Scientology was erased. This is very hard for me to
describe. I am not going to be able to put it in a way that people
can understand. I just don't know how - all I can say is that my
state of mind altered at that point, and I flipped into that old
Scientology persona. Not completely. But I was ready to do
anything to undo that "evil" I had been doing. Anything to stop the
guilt.

I saw it their way, and scrawled down a short hand-written confession
to the effect that I'd received the Fishman documents from Arnie, and
passed them onto Malcolm. I wrote that I didn't know if Malcolm had
ever received them.

They then congratulated me on doing the right thing, David said how
much respect he had for my "courage and confront", and they
essentially rewarded me with affection. I was so tired, I wanted to
be sick, I just wanted to get home, so they took me home. It was
about 4.00 in the morning when I arrived home. I vomited, and then I
fell into an exhausted kind of sleep. That session had been from
about 7.00pm till about 3.30 am, non-stop.

I awoke the next day, at about 6.00 am, and my whole state of
consciousness was different....I kept thinking that I had to study,
and I knew they were going to come back for more, but I felt that I
had lost all control after writing the confession - I felt completely
under their control now, it didn't even occur to me to try and
contact anyone for help. This would have been the time I could have
done it, but I didn't. Again, this is something a critic couldn't
understand, but I felt mentally locked in, now. I was back in that
mind-set, and I was in the process of having my thoughts altered, or
in their eyes, "corrected".

I just felt completely alone, that all those people out there were
just some electronic illusion, and that this, the OSA, were the only
real things in my world.

The person staying with me had picked up that something weird was
going on, but I asked them to just to give me space on this one, it
was something I had to deal with myself.

I couldn't study, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted and completely
numb, and then they came back for more - again at about 5.00 pm, and
they wanted to come inside my home this time, but I refused, to
protect the person, and also, because I had several disks, private
correspondence, personal letters, and tons of documentation of a
private nature that I knew they would probably persuade me to turn
over to them. That's why I say I didn't "flip" completely. There was
still some part of me, deep down, that kept watch on all this. And it
knew I couldn't trust myself to stick to my own will.

(continued in Part 2)