How the Co$ got "Ai! Pedrito" to the bestseller list, by Will Fry formerly of BPI
Jens Tingleff
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Hi There!
tl;dr by cheating ;-)
Best regards
Jens
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Key ID 0x09723C12, jens...@tingleff.org
Analogue filtering / 5GHz RLAN / Mandriva Linux / odds and ends
http://www.tingleff.org/jensting/ +44 1223 510 708
"It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily" 'Shanghai
Expr.'
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Hartley Patterson
>
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> Hash: SHA1
>
> Hi There!
>
> http://forums.whyweprotest.net/24-fair-game-reports-personal-experiences/amazing-willhaven720s-story-sherdog-mixed-martial-arts-forum-58227/4/#post1102926
>
> tl;dr by cheating ;-)
The clams also attempted to block vote "Ai! Pedrito!" a Best Short Story
Hugo Award (the SF equivalent of the Oscar). They managed to get it onto
the Nominations list, but it didn't win. They are the ONLY group known to
have tried that.
This was of course totally dumb. The Hugo Awards Committee is, like I
would suppose the Oscars committee, not a machine that counts votes.
--
Hartley Patterson
http://www.newsfrombree.co.uk
http://news-from-bree.blogspot.com
Hartley Patterson
> The clams also attempted to block vote "Ai! Pedrito!" a Best Short
Story
> Hugo Award (the SF equivalent of the Oscar). They managed to get it onto
> the Nominations list, but it didn't win. They are the ONLY group known to
> have tried that.
> This was of course totally dumb. The Hugo Awards Committee is, like I
> would suppose the Oscars committee, not a machine that counts votes.
Oops, my memory playing up there, it was 'Black Genesis' that was Ron's
Hugo nomination at the infamous 1987 World SF Convention:
http://www.ansible.co.uk/misc/ct-langford.html
Eldon
wrote:
> hptt...@daisy.freeserve.co.uk wrote:
> > The clams also attempted to block vote "Ai! Pedrito!" a Best Short
> Story
> > Hugo Award (the SF equivalent of the Oscar). They managed to get it onto
> > the Nominations list, but it didn't win. They are the ONLY group known to
> > have tried that.
> > This was of course totally dumb. The Hugo Awards Committee is, like I
> > would suppose the Oscars committee, not a machine that counts votes.
>
> Oops, my memory playing up there, it was 'Black Genesis' that was Ron's
> Hugo nomination at the infamous 1987 World SF Convention:
>
> http://www.ansible.co.uk/misc/ct-langford.html
That's OK. Marty Rathbun has been using his OT powerz to put hexes on
people lately, and you're close by at this point, so he may have
confused your thetan a bit. Keep an eye on your Worcestershire sauce
for anything that looks suspicious. Maybe wrap some foil around the
bottle just in case.
>
> --
> Hartley Pattersonhttp://www.newsfrombree.co.ukhttp://news-from-bree.blogspot.com
barbz
I actually read that horrible piece of drek so I could write a book
report about it:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
$25.00, Bridge Publications, 1998
The subtitle is, "When Intelligence Goes Wrong." A posthumous
collaboration between Hubbard and Kevin J. Anderson, who contributed the
"novelization" of Hubbard's unfinished manuscript, I guess.
I thought that Kevin J. Anderson might have a mitigating effect on
Hubbard's prose and make the book more palatable, but Ai! was wrong. His
contribution seems primarily to bring this honker into the latter part
of the 20th century with references to things like cable tv and a cutesy
reference to the X-Files. Sigh.
The first page lists "Other Selected Works by the Authors" where we see
that Anderson is responsible for those horrible paperback series
attached to visual pop culture media. "Young Jedi Knights" and "X-Files"
novels are two examples.
The first paragraph in the Foreword is a Hubbard quote about this book.
Just as Ian Fleming drew from his real experience in British
Intelligence to create James Bond, Ai! Pedrito! is based on a true
story, but in this case it was comedy."
--L. Ron Hubbard
Comedy? There is often a fine line between comedic and stupid, and this
text crosses that line with wincing frequency. Then follows the foreword
by a Dan Sherman, who oddly enough, toes the cultie shore story about
Hubbard's life without varying from it a jot. We note, after four pages
of this tripe, that Mr. Sherman is presently engaged in writing THE
definitive biography of Hubbard.
In case you missed the shore story in the front of the book (being, no
doubt, in a huge hurry to continue on with the body of the tale) Bridge
Publications thoughtfully included yet another account of L. Ron's
fabulous life at the end of the book. That's another four pages, same
lies, different wording. Sounds like a hell of a fellow! Anderson gets
about 3/4 of a page, where we are threatened by him writing a couple of
Dune prequels. Frank Herbert is probably spinning.
Ai! Pedrito!
The book starts out with a bad omen, and it's not the black ducks, which
we are told are considered bad omens by the locals. No, it's the fact
that ducks do not feed on flying insects rising up from the swamps.
The plot revolves around the premise that everybody has a double out
there somewhere, these two redheads just happen to be
1. A South American revolutionary named Pedrito Miraflores, and
2. A Naval Intelligence officer (Lieutenant j.g. Tom Smith)
The Ai! Pedrito! title is a reference to the cry that every goddamn
person in South America shouts when they encounter Pedrito Miraflores.
We are first introduced to two Colonels who are responsible for the
amusement, Cuban Colonel Enrique, and Ivan, the Russian Colonel.
Enrique is fond of expletives such as, "Sacred nostril of a yak!" and,
"By the sacred tailbone of a mollusc!" Ivan seems to have a never-ending
supply of vodka, which he is always trading to Enrique for cigars.
We are also introduced to Bolo, apparent flunky to the two colonels. He
is their dog's body and man in the field. We hear a lot about Bolo
later.
The colonels have somehow gleaned the information that Pedrito and Smith
are identical, and plot to switch the two, as Pedrito could provide them
with valuable intelligence in Smith's position.
They devise a clever plot to lure Smith to Colodor, a South American
country not on the maps due to a map maker's strike.
A female operative calls Smith at work, where he is busy approving
missile blueprints he can't understand or read. His job is to stamp them
'Approved.' She tells him he has won a contest, a free vacation in
beautiful Colodor, as the one millionth visitor to the World Trade
Center. Smith has never been to the World Trade Center. She then tells
him it's because he was the one millionth visitor to the Cathedral of
St. John the Divine. He's never been there, either. "You were the
millionth person to pass Forty-Second and Broadway," she says. When he
balks, she threatens to cry, so he reluctantly accepts the offer.
Any good Intelligence Officer's warning bells would be ringing by this
point, but Smith just dully follows along. His commanding officer,
Admiral Turner, inexplicably disapproves of Tom Smith's straight laced
lifestyle, Smith doesn't drink, smoke, or associate with fast women. The
admiral somehow thinks Smith isn't real Navy material because of that,
he seems to think drunken, ineffectual personnel represent the U.S. Navy
in a better light, and feels that, if Smith would loosen up a bit, he
would be perfect husband material for his daughter, who is getting up
there in her twenties. He approves of Smith taking the free vacation,
and admonishes him to have some fun, Navy style. And so, the adventure
begins.
When Smith arrives in Colodor, he is met by phoney taxi driver Bolo, and
taken to a hotel where he is mugged and robbed. He awakens to find his
suitcase gone, and another in its place. Having been stripped to his
skivvies, he dons the clothing in the other case, and becomes Pedrito!
He later finds a false bottom to the case, where there are papers and
two "hi tech laser guns" that remain unexplained. He becomes the target
of the C.I.A. who want Pedrito dead, and the ever-present Bolo appears
to whisk him to safety at another hotel. There, he stupidly allows Bolo
to convince him that nobody uses the front door of this hotel, and he is
persuaded to climb into a room via the window. Once in, he finds himself
in a lady's room, and falls asleep on the bed.
The lady in question is one Yaquita, lush, dusky-skinned, raven-haired,
passionate chanteuse and agent, who happens to have been Pedrito's
lover. When she finds Smith in her room, she mistakes him for Pedrito
and beats the crap out of him. Then she nurses him back to health with
sex and coffee spiked with rum.
There's another close brush with the C.I.A. man who wants Pedrito dead.
This is repeated throughout the book as Smith is pursued by the C.I.A.
and various South American officials, all tipped off to his presence by
Bolo, who seems to have his own agenda other than flunky for the two
colonels.
Bolo keeps running into Smith with annoying regularity. All he has to do
is throw on a serape and a different hat, and Smith doesn't recognize
him. "Don't I know you?" Smith keeps asking. This is what's called a
running joke by Hubbard's standards. The humor, if it can be called
such, borders on egregious stupidity, especially when Bolo disguises
himself as a cable TV installer in a remote Andean village. That bit
made me cringe in sympathy for Anderson.
Meanwhile, Pedrito has shed his colorful revolutionary attire and
accent, and is accepted as Tom Smith by the intelligence community. So
well accepted, in fact, that he is refused service at the local bar. The
bartender laughs at his request for tequila, and serves him a glass of
milk, "Your regular." The Navy officers there refuse to let him in on
their card game, as they know that Tom Smith is just joking because he
doesn't gamble. In real life, such drastic changes in personality would
be immediately noted and investigated, in Hubbard's world the stupidity
of the Navy Intelligence community is endemic. It's obvious in this book
that he underestimates the readers' intelligence as well. It's also
obvious that Hubbard was exceedingly proud of his red hair, as
references to it are encountered about every other page.
Many scenes in the story are absolutely idiotic. When Smith/Pedrito goes
to visit his 'parents,' he is asked to do the Tango de Libre at a
fiesta. He protests that he doesn't dance. "But Pedrito!" the celebrants
cry, "You taught us the Tango de Libre!" At this point, Bolo (in another
disguise) tosses firecrackers at Smith's feet, making him leap about
smartly. This is, of course, accepted as the tango by the crowd.
Bolo has also called in the C.I.A. yet again, necessitating a hasty
escape by Smith and Pedrito's childhood sweetheart Bonita, a beautiful
blonde.
But the jealous Yaquita has sabotaged the saddle of her horse, so she is
unable to follow Smith.
A note here, all the women in the story want to get married. Bonita,
Yaquita, and the Admiral's daughter all give the same reason, "I read it
in a story somewhere. That's what women are supposed to want. Didn't you
know?" Shades of Scientology and thinking for yourself!
In another scene, Smith is required to blow up the secret C.I.A. missile
silos in the Andes. Of course, as an American Naval officer, he has no
intention of destroying property. Bolo, dressed as a police officer,
hands him a sketch for a clever device. "Say, haven't I seen you
someplace before?" asks Smith.
Smith studies the sketch.
"Aha! I should have thought of that myself!," Smith crowed. "I'll just
build an electronic induction cross-feed molecular magnetic pulse to
paralyze the automatic circuits!"
Then he buys a mound of wire and "hi-tech gadgets" at a local
electronics boutique in the small Andean farming village.
Many more adventures ensue, thanks to Bolo, who's hobby seems to be
setting Smith up into dangerous situations.
Pedrito, meanwhile, is being pressured by the Admiral's daughter, Joan.
She wants to marry him because she read somewhere that that's what women
want. She knows his secret, as she caught him photographing files with a
Minox spy camera. But,since they are to be wed, she totally ignores
national security concerns until she finds him in a drunken state with
two prostitutes, at which point she tips off the F.B.I. and her father.
Smith is finally forced to flee.
Pedrito is forced to flee.
They wind up on a tiny island near Cuba together, where we find that
Pedrito has given up drinking, and Smith can't get enough of it. They
are rescued by a mystery submarine at their darkest hour, and the
ubiquitous Bolo reappears.
He is in the company of a Chinese general, who has a "ridiculously long
Fu Manchu mustache" and immaculately long fingernails. It turns out that
the Chinese government is hiring, and he has been 'testing' the mettle
of the two Pedritos to determine their suitability for agent work. Both
of them agree to work for the Chinese.
"Damned clever, these Chinese!" they say, and accept the job.
How can I sum up this book? It's hard. I tried to read it without
prejudice, I really did, but it's just stupid. It's one dimensional,
studded with stereotypes, and the attempt at humor doesn't quite
transcend stupidity. I think my IQ dropped twenty points after reading
it. I had to bang my head against a door for a while to take my mind off
this book, and I really hope Bridge Publications does not have further
offerings of this sort in the works. The terrible thing is, unlike
Dianetics, I was able to read it all the way through. Now you don't have
to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice!
--
xenubarb
Chaplain, ARSCCwdne
A walk down the path of history is crunchy with the crispy corpses of
those who pooh-poohed or ignored the clown car of ridicule when it
pulled-up to the curb.
Stephen Jones
Lermanet.com Exposing the CON for 15 years!
> I think my IQ dropped twenty points after reading
> it.
Imagine what happens to you after years of "tech" training...
realpch
<snip>
<snip>
Thank you so much. I for one, truly appreciate your sacrifice!
:-D
Peach
--
Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
Save some dough, save some grief:
http://www.xenu.net
http://www.scientology-lies.com
Android Cat
"Hartley Patterson" <hpt...@daisy.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:MPG.2592f745c...@news.thundernews.com...
> hpt...@daisy.freeserve.co.uk wrote:
>
>> The clams also attempted to block vote "Ai! Pedrito!" a Best Short
> Story
>> Hugo Award (the SF equivalent of the Oscar). They managed to get it onto
>> the Nominations list, but it didn't win. They are the ONLY group known to
>> have tried that.
>> This was of course totally dumb. The Hugo Awards Committee is, like I
>> would suppose the Oscars committee, not a machine that counts votes.
>
> Oops, my memory playing up there, it was 'Black Genesis' that was Ron's
> Hugo nomination at the infamous 1987 World SF Convention:
>
> http://www.ansible.co.uk/misc/ct-langford.html
/===
From a name that fans merely made bitchy jokes about, Author Services Inc
had now promoted L. RON HUBBARD to the point where he was openly booed at
the Worldcon's major event. There's publicity for you.
\===
--
Ron of that ilk.
Chef Xenu
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> Hi There!
>
>
> tl;dr by cheating ;-)
>
> Best regards
>
> Jens
> - --
> Analogue filtering / 5GHz RLAN / Mandriva Linux / odds and ends
> http://www.tingleff.org/jensting/ +44 1223 510 708
> "It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily" 'Shanghai
> Expr.'
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Anyone remember in which lecture LRH talks about being confused with
his notorious body double? I know I've heard it more than once, but
can't seem to track it down.
thanks,
Chef Xenu
--
REB Slaughter (USN-RET)(SP V) 614-321-XENU http://www.chefxenu.net
4th (or 5th) Marcabian Invader Force Mess Saucer 1138
Everybody Loves Pie! http://cbusanon.foromotion.net/
Message to Durable Slate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbDpIYKv07g