Clambytes 2000 <Long!>
Michael Reuss
coals, skewer the raw meat, the seafood, and the vegetables alike,
time to barbecue some virtual kabobs, in a tradition know as
Clambytes, the annual comedic e-zine strictly devoted to, for and
about the newsgroup alt.religion.scientology.
If this is your first experience with Clambytes, you wouldn't realize
that this part is the disclaimer. It is. Grant me a little
disclaimingness and get ready for the best disclaiming you ever heard.
I disclaim that this is a very lengthy message. Some people don't like
that kind of thing. If you're one of them, grab your little mouse with
your hand and USE it. Then, after you're finished with that, click on
the "next message" button.
I disclaim that there will be a lot of inside humor. If you don't read
a.r.s often, or are a newbie, you won't get some of the gags. That's
not my fault. It's not your fault, hell it's not anyone's fault,
really. It's just the way it is. If that depresses you, just pop a few
prozacs until you start feeling better.
I disclaim that what follows won't be everyone's cup of tea. I'm an
irreverent sombaitch, and I use off-color language.
I disclaim that everything here has an implied smiley beside it. ;-)
It would be really annoying if I put smileys in every paragraph.
I disclaim that I have some problems with the cult of Scientology. And
why wouldn't I? They say I'm a criminal suppressive, an anti-religious
bigot! They threatened to sue me, and tried to get me fired from my
job! Those fuskers really piss me off, sometimes. So I want to make
sure these fuskers either stop doing these kinds of thing, or else I
am prepared to joke them right out of business! HA! So now you know my
bias when it comes to the Co$. If you don't like my biases, you just
don't have to read this. No smiley here.
I also disclaim that all events and personages listed herein are
granted fictitiousness, except for those which are coincidentally
true. Any resemblancenesses to persons, Thetans, or sexual encounters
with porcine barnyard animals, living or dead, is coincidental, except
for when wgert did it two, uh, no, twenty two times. (A tip-o-the
aluminum foil beany to Cheech and Chong).
So, now we find ourselves rapidly approaching the end of the
disclaimer, and good thing, too, because I am about disclaimed out. As
I read over the disclaimer, I would say I'm satisfied, I think I've
covered just about everything. Later on, I don't want any of you
bellyaching fuskers whining "I was never properly disclaimed."
Oookay, fine. Then, without further ado:
Ladies and Gentleman,
sock puppets, cretins,
Angels and Devils,
Raw Meat and Owe Thetans,
Astrologers, Tee Emmers,
skeptics and psychs,
blacks, whites, latinos,
gay men and gay dykes,
PEE EYES and Engrams
gather round by the dozens
come commies and fascists
and please bring your cousins
You Africans, Muslims,
Palestinians, Jews.
Christians and Athiests
I'm talking to youse
Anorexics, bulimics,
degraders and jokesters
Department 20 agents
and crop circle hoaxsters
Republicans, Democrats,
and all fine Canadians,
Scots-Brits-Francs-Nazis,
and Viet Namadians,
Those who munch boogers and
Emm Eff See "criminals"
and actors in movies
that contain sly subliminals
Yo bloods and yo Crips
gather round, get a mention
yo mamas, Godfathas
I hope God pays attention
Now Russkis, Bulgravians
the north and south Irish
and all their li'l leprechauns
please attend, that is my wish
Don't need a new religion
or to change your belief
just read what I write here
for cheap comic relief
Please believe when I tell you
there'll be no gags finer
for them that LRH called
the little chinks from China
It's a big win to have fun
at Poodleboy's expense
for AY ARE ESS lurkers
who straddle the fence
So give your attention,
yes give me your ear
cause the event of the season
is finally here
Grab a sandwich, grab a brewski
throw wgert some sows, and
then gather round the computer
for Clambytes 2000.
***********************************************************************
Clambytes 2000.
***********************************************************************
[cue music - Trapped in a Prison of Love, Robben Ford]
[fade music]
=====
[cue theme music from Wallace and Gromit]
The BBC presents:
Michael Wallace and Gromit
(a screenplay)
MW: What a fine day, Gromit. Shall we go for walkies? We can pick up
some delicious cheese! Then, we can go and egg the psychiatrists
office!
Gromit: [reads the paper in silence, peeks over the top of the paper
and gives a disgusted look, goes back to reading the paper]
MW: Well, then Gromit, how about testing out our new suppression gun,
the one that instead of shooting jam at toast, shoots my new innuendo
paste at our enemies?
Gromit: [still reading the paper in silence, this time doesn't even
bother to look up, but just shakes his head]
MW: I know, Gromit. Let's empty out all the thoughts out of our heads,
and go round to Poole St. and route some pedestrians onto the bridge.
Wouldn't that be grand?
Gromit: [slowly, dejectedly ascends the stairs up to his room, packs
his bags and goes to live with the penguin]
=====
Scientologist Enzo Piccone uses the abbreviation "Sci't" to stand for
"Scientologist." To honor Enzo, and all Scientologists everywhere,
Clambytes 2000 introduces Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Jokes!
Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #1
BTW, this was the first ever Enzo joke (originally made in another
posting):
Q: What do you call an idiot Scientologist?
A: Sci'ttwit
Q: What do you call a nervous Scientologist?
A: Sci'ttish
Clambytes 2000 will have occasional Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation
Joke Interludes scattered throughout. We hope you enjoy them -ed.
=====
What if all those great old song lyrics were written by Scientology?
You might get something like this.
"I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter... of
disconnection"
=====
Who you calling a fool, fool?
A few hundred years ago, the calendars in Britian were out of whack
with the solar year, because up until that time, they did not contain
any leap day corrections, although it was well estabished by that time
that the solar year was approximately 365.25 days long, meaning that
about every four years, any calander that did not have leap days would
fall another day further behind actual seasons, as determined by
solstaces and equinoxes.
On the European continent, the calendars had been wrong too, but they
were corrected a few hundred years earlier. Based on work of the
mathmaticians and astromers of Pope Gregor, the modern calendar was
finalized. The excellent work and calculations are still used today,
and it was for those scientist's Popely benefactor that the modern
"Gregorian" calendar was named.
To actally correct the calendar lag, the Pope mandated that several
weeks would simply be lopped out of the calendar. In (I think) the
1400s in October, on consecutive days, the calendar date changed from
Sept. 30th to Oct 22nd (or something like that). And all just because
the Pope said so! (don't recall the exact number of days, but I know
almost a whole month was skipped to make up for centuries worth of
missed leap days).
Also at that time, religious and nationalistic pride, and the
antagonism between the Roman Catholic Church and the British monarchy
(which later formed an apostate schism off Catholicism called the
Anglican church) kept the British from adopting the change to the
calendar. British reasoning was that if the Pope was mandating this
change, by God, no good Britian could follow it in good conscience.
But finally (I think in the 1600s), the British figured out, hey,
we're being really stupid. They figured out that they didn't have to
follow the Pope on everything, but could still acknowledge that his
idea to correct the calendar was a pretty good one.
So now the British too, skipped over all the the lost leap days in
their calendar, jumping ahead one year from March 30th to April the
25th (or something like that) on the very next day.
But there was great political resistence. Many people didn't want to
change. These resisters continued to insist that it was April 1st,
even though, by convention, the rest of Britian and Europe were agreed
that it was April 25th. The new resisters were ridiculed as "April
Fools." That's why we know April 1st as "April Fools" day.
The moral of this long-winded tome is that sometimes, when you buck a
trend that is admittedly arbitrary, but nevertheless, sensible, and
allows everyone to function better and get along better, if you
instead insist upon maintaining a foolish, parochial, religious pride,
you might righteously be called a fool. You could even have a day
named after your foolishness.
Now, what shall we call L. Ron Hubbard's birthday?
=====
More wacky Scientology Song Lyrics:
Go go, go Johnny go, go Johnny go, go, go Johnny B. Goode...boy Tyler
=====
Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #2
Q: Where does a Scientologist apply deodorant?
A: Sci'tpits
Q: Why did Hooter's restaurant hire a Scientologist?
A: Sci'ttits
=====
Great Moments in Musical Theatre
My Fair Lady:
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the ratbastard...
The Sound of Music:
The hills are alive, with the sound of ratbastards...
The Music Man:
One Grecian Ratbastard. Two Grecian Ratbastards...
Oklahoma:
OOOOOOOOOklahoma where the wing comes sweeping down the ratbastard...
Guys and Dolls:
I know how you've treated other men that you have been with, but luck
be a ratbastard tonight...
West Side Story:
I want to live in America, everything free in America! For a small
ratbastard in America!
=====
Wacky Scientology Song lyrics
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer on Mark Bunker
I'd beat right on his camera, to prove that I'm right
I'd hammer intimidation, I'd hammer out a warning
I'd hammer on the truth, on justice, my brothers and my sisters
All over this laaaaand!
=====
A Dog's Life (a simple story)
Oh boy, oh boy, here come some people, I just love people. They give
treats!
<pant> <pant> <pant>
I wonder if these people have some treats for me?
<pant><pant><pant><pant>
I'll just let them know I want those treats.
<BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
Here they come, they're coming closer, I think my plan is working
<BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
I'll just tell them a few more times how much I want treats
<BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
YES, I WAS RIGHT! I DO GET A TREAT! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you
<chew> <chew> <chew> <chew> <munch> <gulp>
I wonder it they'll give me more treats? I'll just tell them
<BARK> <BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
This human giving me treats seems nice
<BARK> <BARK> <BARK>
YES! MORE TREATS! I DO get more treats! Thank you, thank you, thank
you!
<chew> <chew> <chew> <munch> <gulp>
Oh this one with the treats is picking me up, I'll bet he wants to
give me another treat
<pant> <pant> <pant>
I know, I'll kiss him on the face, that always works with my master
<SLURP> <LICK!>
Hey, where are you taking me. I'm not allowed in the pool, my master
gets mad when I'm around here
<pant> <pant>
Hey, don't take me in the water, I want a treat!
<pant> <pant>
What are you doing, Hey, I can't breathe
<glub><glub>
Master, help, where are you, I can't breathe, I don't like this man...
<glub><glub><glub><glub>
Master...
The end
(I said it was a simple story, I never said it was a happy story)
=====
Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #3
Q: What do you call a Scientologist's feces?
A: Sca't
Q: What do you call an OSA sock puppet?
A: Sci'thead (or) Sca'thead
=====
Deep thoughts:
What's true, is what's brewed for you.
=====
Clambytes Editorial:
Lisa Marie Presley has given the Co$ credit for saving her life
"SEVERAL TIMES!"
Several times, isn't that curious?
Why does the Co$ have to keep saving her life? Isn't she capable of
learning from her past mistakes? Isn't Scientology helping her to
become more able?
Scientology certainly claims to help people become more able. Is this
a lie? Or is Lisa Marie Presley an unfortunate exception to the rule?
Either way, the fact that one needs one's life saved multiple times is
an indicator that, well, something was dreadfully wrong somewhere...
Ed.
=====
Clambytes Technology Review:
I think no one disputes that the King (Elvis Presley), if he were
really dead (a subject still under much scientific debate), would be
spinning in his grave right now, if he knew what an ignorant,
emotional, cultified wreck his daughter had become (Elvis' intense
dislike of Scientology was/is well known).
So, therefore, if we hooked up generators to Elvis' dead, but
cognizant, heartbroken, spinning buried body, we'd generate free
electricity! We finally have the perpetual motion machine for which
the world has so long clamored!
Keep up your good work in the fields of science and technology, Lisa
Marie.
=====
Terl must have been Biggus Dickus in a previous life.
=====
Proposed Purification Rundown Advertisement:
Danny Masterson, Scientologist:
I used to be a total DORK! Even my brother said so. My dork-dom was
trapped deep inside my body by radiation. But not anymore. I did the
Scientology Brand [tm] Purification Rundown at the Hollywood Celebrity
Center, and the "Dork" just came pouring out, along with all that
nasty radiation. Now the whole world can clearly see that I'm NOT a
dork!
(for entertainment purposes only, must be 18, $1200.00/min)
=====
Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #4
Q: What do you call a one act play about Scientology?
A: Sci'tskit
Q: What happens on the face of a Scientologist teenager?
A: Sci'tzits
=====
If human beings are not animals made out of meat, fleash and bone, why
do we all get old and die?
=====
Scenes we'd like to have seen in person: Dennis Erlich buying a house,
paying with cash given to him by the Co$.
Scenes we'd like to see even more: Dennis and his daughter, together,
happy, making up for lost time, undoing years of damage done to their
relationship by cultic propaganda and lies.
=====
Bunker Mentality - an actual transcript of a recent meeting of high
level Scientology leaders
Legend: DM=(*); MR=Mike Rinder; KM=Kendrick Moxon; HK=Helena Kobrin
EE=Eugene Engram (er, I mean Ingram)
DM: Ok, have we laid in all the supplies?
MR: Check!
DM: Comm links established?
KM: Check!
DM: Everyone inside?
HK: Check! Except for Heber, he's locked in basement padded cell back
at FOLO.
DM: Poor ratbastard. Well, we did what we could for him. No use crying
over spilled milk.
MR: I'm starting to think the babywatch doesn't work very well.
DM: Shut up, Mike or I'll have Gene do some "things" to you.
MR: Uh, sorry, boss. Of course the IR works perfectly. Everyone knows
that.
DM: Okay, I think we're ready. Let's button this place up, people
EE: Check!
EE: Blast doors closing
EE: Blast doors closed, no one's going in or out for a long time.
HK: Air scrubbers online and functioning.
DM: That's it then. We're nuke proof, critic proof, refund proof,
a.r.s proof.
MR: This is the most secure underground silo on the whold goddammed
planet! Nothing can touch us, here.
DM: Up periscope (periscope is really a free Earthlink web cam (3
mo. minimum contract required)
HK: Up periscope, check!
DM: [looking into periscope, turns from side to side, stops] Oh shit!
All (in unison): What is it!
DM: We could never have thought of this.
All: What is it? What's OUT THERE?
DM: How in the hell are we ever going to get out of this?
All: What IS OUT THERE?
DM: Oh God, what have we done?
ALL: TELL US, MASTER!
EE: [shoves DM away from the periscope and looks for himself] OH
SHIT! It's even worse than I imagined.
All: WHAT IS IT?
EE: [with calm resignation] It's our worst nightmare.
KM: Oh SHIT, you mean the 5th Invader Fleet is landing out there?
EE: It's Way worse than that. Mark Bunker and his videocam are out
there with the Zizic's. They're holding up a sign demanding a full
refund.
MR: Oh SHIT! Refunds. We were ready for everything we could think of.
But how could we have ever imagined refunds?
HK: Well, that's it then. We're never getting out of here alive. We're
going to die in here! I'll never see my kids again.
KM: Fuck your stupid kids, Helena, I just bought a brand new Mercedes!
I'll never get to slide in behind the wheel of that baby
and...
MR: Fuck your stupid car, Ken. This is a time we all need to reassess
what's really important.
HK: What do you mean? Aren't my kids important? I thought you told me
last week that they were im....
EE: Shut up, Helena.
HK: Uh, yes sir, Mr. Engram.
EE: It's INGRAM you ignorant bitch! INGRAM!
HK: Sorry, Mr. Ingram sir. It's just that I pulled a.r.s research
duty, and you know how they always call you Engram, like they're
comparing you to a bad memory or someth...
EE: Shut the fuck up RIGHT NOW or so help me I'll kick you into next
week...
DM: Gene, please! There's time for that later. Right now, I need some
silence so I can think. We've got to figure a way out of this
trap.
MR: It's no use. But you know, in some ways, this is almost a relief.
Now we don't have to wonder where and when the next shoe will
drop.
KM: We shouldn't have messed with Mark Bunker. I think it is HE, not
Minton, who must be the the real Xenu. All disgustingly cuddly and
friendly to everyone. I see it so clearly now, he was really just
controlling Minton from the shadows.
DM: Yes, it's obvious. Xenu, the cherubic, friendly nice guy! It's
so diabolical!
MR: Bunker is definitely Xenu. I've felt it all along.
EE: Well, we have food for a two years, but the egg-salad is going to
go bad if we don't eat it. Who wants to split an egg-salad
sandwich with me?
DM: I'm not hungry...
HK: I'll take half...
=====
Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #5
Q: How does a Scientologist get a bad taste out of his mouth?
A: Spi't
Q: What do you call a mentally ill Scientologist?
A: Sci'tzy
=====
ARSCC folk song:
Where have all the sporgers gone, long time passing
Where have all the sporgers gone, long time ago
Where have all the sporgers gone, gone to the RPF every one
When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn
=====
Recently it was suggested that handwritten OT III documents purporting
to be from LRH, are forgeries.
They are quite genuine, I assure you. The reason I know this, is
because I read the OTIII level back in 1995. I promptly got pneumonia
and died.
(I got better)
=====
A guy walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender looks
back at the guy, waits for a few seconds, waits for a few more
seconds, waits a little bit more. Finally the bartender starts to get
impatient. He nods to the guy and says, "well?"
The guy says "Scarff."
The bartender says "Gazundheit"
[ba-dump-bump!]
=====
NEWS BULLETIN! CONGRESSMAN'S KILLER UNDERGOING PSYCH TREATMENT!
It was reported today by anonymous sources, that the killer of
Congressman Sonny Bono, is currently undergoing treatment for post
traumatic stress syndrome.
The 32m lodgepole pine killed Congressman Bono in 1997 after Bono
strayed too close to the tree while skiing. The case was
controversial, because it was the first time a tree had ever used the
"make my day" defense in the State of Nevada. During the trial, the
tree testified to being "scared to death" at Bono's approach. The jury
concurred, and seemed moved by some videos introduced at trial that
depicted lumberjacks clearcutting in a nearby valley.
Also at trial, Sheriff Harold Haverhold testified that "The tree
clearly acted in self-defense. The Congressman was speeding directly
at the tree, and the tree was in fear for it's life." When asked for a
comment about the tree's latest troubles, and the counseling sessions,
Badgerman simply said, "the Tree has done nothing to be ashamed of."
Even after several years, the tree was reported by our source to be
experiencing feelings of despondancy and guilt associated with Bono's
death, reportedly feeling depression and having suicidal thoughts.
Our staff psychologists tells us "we see this in many cases where
justifiable killings occured by someone (or something) who is not
inured to violence, whether it be cops who have to shoot someone in
the line of duty, or a soldier, or a tree. There's no difference."
Tree doctors were reluctant to speak on the record about the case,
citing the doctor-tree confidentiality priviledge. But one unnamed MD
hinted that ECTT (Electro- Convulsive- Tree- Therapy) might be
possible as a treatment measure.
=====
Clambytes Advertising Space Is Available!
large a.r.s readership - reasonable rates
contact adver...@clambytes.com
=====
Wacky Scientology Song Lyrics:
"Give me ticket on an aero-plane, ain't time to take a fast train,
lonely days are on, now I'm a going home, my church just declared me
SP."
=====
Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #6
Q: What is a Scientologist's favorite meal?
A: Boogers! (okay, so it's not an Enzo joke. Sue me!)
=====
Michael Reuss
Honorary Kid
The Cardinal
Author Author!!!
Cardinal Tony Biggleswirth KoX SP2
Look Ma.... a new website
http://members.xoom.com/richileau/
"Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione."
Cry "Squeak!" And let loose the Four Ferrets of the Apocalypse!
barb
What is the final product of scientology? A broke sci'tzophrenic.
What is the significance of the Lisa McPherson trial? It's a
sci'tastrophe.
--
barb
"copy c:\clams.scn c:\scienos\scienos.pod"
-Sten (Koos Koos) Arne
El Roto
though, Scientology can help you with that!
Steve G.
P.S.
Q: What's a clam's favorite candy?
A: Sci'tlles
* Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet's Discussion Network *
The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet - Free!
Shy David www.xenu.net
<mre...@mciworld.com> wrote:
> It's time to once again, in all good fun, fire up the metaphorical
> coals, skewer the raw meat, the seafood, and the vegetables alike,
> time to barbecue some virtual kabobs, in a tradition know as
> Clambytes, the annual comedic e-zine strictly devoted to, for and
> about the newsgroup alt.religion.scientology.
EXCELLENT!!!! :-) "If I had a hammer...." LOL!
Last Year's entry:
From: mre...@mciworld.com (Michael Reuss)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Clambytes 99
Date: Mon, 04 Oct 1999 09:42:51 GMT
Organization: International Association of Afghanistani Party Dance
Instructors
Message-ID: <37f96fec...@nntp.lightlink.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: 63.14.30.42
X-NNTP-Posting-Host: 63.14.30.42
X-Trace: 4 Oct 1999 11:42:35 -0500, 63.14.30.42
Lines: 615
Once again, it's time for another issue of Clambytes, the annual (more
or less) E-Zine that likes to poke a little fun at (in descending
order) the vile, festering, nasty cult of Scientology, the paranoid,
totalitarian, hurtful, arbitrary, delusional theories of Lafayette
Ronald Hubbard (LRH to his friends), the newsgroup called
alt.religion.scientology and it's participants, and any and all
related subjects.
Keep in mind that Clambytes refers to, and indeed, depends heavily
upon inside humor. Unless you are a regular reader of a.r.s, you might
not "get" every joke (but trust me, they are all hilariously funny).
No problem. Just start reading a.r.s now, and then next year, you can
have some real laffs. See, even the way I spell 'laugh is funny.
And now, Thetans and Body Thetans, I give you
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
C L A M B Y T E S ' 9 9
[Clambytes is a publication of ARSCC<wdne> Press]
[All Rights Reserved.]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From the Editor's Desk:
Well, here it is, October of 1999, and I'm frankly quite amazed to see
the science of psychology and the medical profession of psychiatry
cooking right along. How can this be, Co$? Is every single on-lines
Scientologist going to have to do a few laps around the old flag pole
come January? Or are you planning a quick hitting, three month Owe Tee
miracle? Or will it be something else? Will the whole issue be
conveniently forgotten, and quietly "finessed" by the Co$?
My vote is for the 3rd option.
Future Headline from the Co$' Freedom Magazine, January 2000 issue:
"Psychiatry will be eradicated by the year 3000!"
Makes you wonder what went wrong, doesn't it? (well, no, not if you're
a Scientologist it doesn't).
++
Suppressive criminality is the fastest growing, er, 'religion' on the
planet! Think about it. There are more people with BA degrees in
psychology, than there are Scientologists. And the number of these
suppressive criminal college graduates keeps on rising every semester.
++
Top a.r.s story of the year: Bus driver calls it quits.
Dennis Erlich settled his long-running lawsuit with the festering cult
of Scientology with a secret, off-the-record settlement deal. The suit
began in early 1995, when Judge Whyte of the 9th District, in San
Jose, granted an ex-parte writ of seizure, allowing OSA clam bastards
to waltz into Dennis Erlich's home in Los Angeles, and to remove his
property, including things that were never allowed by the writ, such
as hair from a bathroom comb, and a checking account register. The
writ was later overturned by the issuing judge, and the seizure ruled
unconstitutional. Scientology still kept many of Erlich's books, and
other materials for years.
A.r.s participants speculate that RTC made a multi-million dollar cash
payment to Erlich to buy his current silence. Wouldn't it be great to
know that Dennis has lifetime financial security due to the very
people who were trying to ruin him? I wish we knew for sure that this
was the case. Dennis, are you out there? Are you lurking? Can you slip
us a little hint?
++
Second Top a.r.s story of the year: Sporgery, Sporgerego, Sporgery!
Thousands of [Rego] dollars and thousands of thetan-[Rego]hours are
being spent [by Rego] in an effort to disrupt communications on
alt.religion.scientology. Who's to blame? [Rego] No one can say for
surego.
++
The management would like to apologize for the unethical use of
subliminals in the preceding item.
++
Try to imagine the daily routine of a sporger. What would it look
like?
Sleep from 2 or 3 in the morning to 10 am. Take a quick shower, down
some egg-beaters and prune juice, mosey down to the LRH museum to see
if there are any new instructions. Let them yell at you for a while
for failing to stop the entheta, get your daily allotment of cash for
buying new local throwaway ISP accounts and paying the long distance
phone bill. Get home by 3 P.M. Boot up the computer, the latest phone
book CD on screen, searching the country for new virgin ISPs, calling
the prospective ISPs till 5 or 6 to see if they take cash to start
accounts, 6 to 7, make calls to the local Scientologists in the towns
where they do, and sending out money to the people who have been
previously contacted. Open the mail, it has some account names paid
for with cash and their passwords and activation dates. They get
transferred onto the carefully maintained list.
At 7 or so, fire up the newsreader, downloading all a.r.s contents
from a permanent ISP news feed (or heck, maybe even from Lightlink,
maybe they even think "Thanks Homer" to themselves?) and finally,
dialing up and logging in to a throw-away account that was on the list
from a previous day's toil, and then oh so sweetly firing up the
sporgery bot program. Off it goes.
Then over to the fridge for a quick sandwich, and then to the TV to
watch Jenna Elfman in her very Theta TV show, occasionally wandering
back to the 'puter to make sure the account has not been closed too
quickly.
Around 10pm, the throwaway ISP account has been closed, the long
distant bill grows by about three hours (thank God for 5 cent a minute
long distance competition, eh?), and the sporger crosses the name of
the throwaway account off the top of the list, dials the next number,
and fires up the sporgery bot again. Jim and Gail (er, I mean the
perps, whoever they are) hope that this time, the account will hold up
for more than an hour, as their favorite progam, ER is coming on.
Soon, it's two or three in the morning. Time to hit the rack, tomorrow
is Wednesday, and they'll need several thousand postings tomorrow to
meet their Thursday afternoon quota. Another busy day ahead.
This sounds like a spiritually satisfying experience for any Thetan,
doesn't it?
++
Winner of the Clambytes 1999 prize for being the "Handiest"
Personality on ARS: Bob Mittens!
++
Now it's time for a short musical interlude. Ladies and gentlemen,
head for the hills and run for your lives, as Lisa Marie Presley sings
a medley of her father's hit songs.
{SCREEEEETCH-A, SCREEEEETCH-A, burning LOVE! SCREEEEETCH-A
SCREEEETCH-S burning LOVE!}
++
Headline: Ear plug company stocks hit record highs.
++
Headline: Spiritual Chiropractors report record earnings in 1999!
Scientologists visit in record numbers.
It seems that the sudden 180 degree attitude reversals that many
Scientologists suffered when the Co$ settled it's lawsuit with last
year's #1 suppressive criminal, Dennis Erlich caused undue strains on
the Spiritual Spines of many unfortunate individuals.
Spiritual healers and pseudo-doctors from Los Angeles to Florida noted
the uptick in problem reports, but also tempered the bad news with
some good. They said it was fortunate that Scientologist's "Spiritual
Spines" are softened up in advance, in anticipation of just these
types of eventualities. One almost-a-doctor type charlatan went on the
record, saying "if they had not had their Spiritual Spines softened up
in advance, they would all be Spiritually paralyzed by such a massive
attitude shift."
++
"Money, it's a gas." - The Church of Scientology, er no, wait, Pink
Floyd.
++
Headline: Scientologist Russell Shaw of Phoenix wins the 8th Annual
Koos-Sport Spiritual Gymnastic Flexibility Contest! "These contests
are easy for me" he reported. "My Spiritual Spine has been softened
up."
++
A suggested new line for OT-7: Spot a Poodle. Spot a spot. Spot a
Poodle spot. Bad dog.
++
Final 1999 AP "Enemies of the OSA" poll results
(number of 1st place votes in parenthesis)
Rank Name 1998 ranking
---- --------------------- ------------
1. Bob Minton (8,000,000) 2
2. Jesse Prince 3
3. Keith Henson 5
4. Grady Ward 4
5. Zenon Panoussis 9
6. Mark Bunker not ranked
7. Gerry Armstrong 6
8. Jeff Jacobsen 7
9. Stacy Brooks not ranked
10 Rod Keller not ranked
Others receiving votes: Kristi Wachter, Arnie Lerma, Gregg Hagglund,
Notre Dame (someone always votes for Notre Dame, no matter what the
poll is for), Martin Hunt, Androidcat, Ethercat, hep cats, Cat in the
Hat, EtherCow ;-), Anti-cult, Anti-cult cult, Anti-cult cult cult,
Argon, Neon, Hydrogen, Carbon, Andreas Heldul-Lund, Karin Spaink,
Xenubat, Batman, Superman, the Memory of Leo J. Ryan, Cynthia Kisser,
Prescilla Coats, Ben Coats, and hundreds more (see the Scieno-sitter
list for a more complete listing).
Reminiscent of 1996, when Steve Fishman when from #1 to unranked, last
year's #1 target of the OSA, Dennis Erlich, astonishingly dropped
completely off this years top ten list. Also dropping off this year's
list are former # 1s, Larry Wollersheim and Robert Vaughn Young.
But some things about this year's poll were tried and true. For the
36th year in a row, the vote for the top OSA(formerly GO) Enemy was
unanimous, with all 8 million Scientologists voting to make Bob Minton
their 1999 number one enemy. Bob moves up one spot, from his #2 spot
of a year ago. He is followed by Jesse Prince, and Keith Henson, who
surpassed supressive[1] Grady Ward for the third spot. Moving up this
year's list (with a bullet) are Zenon Panoussis and XenuTV producer,
cameraman, and editor, Mark Bunker. Along with Bunker, others
appearing for the first time on the OSA top ten target list are Stacy
Brooks and ARS Week in Review publisher Rod Keller.
Congratulations to all top ten finishers. Smile for the cameras! Look
over your shoulders once in a while and SPOT the OSA paid PIs who are
following you to the airport. ;-)
[1] - where have you ever seen the phrase "surpassed suppressive" used
correctly in a sentence, before? Clambytes is proud to once again plow
new ground using the English language.
++
"I miss getting a good "woody" every once in a while"
- anonymous poster to a.r.s
++
Rhetorical Question: Ain't it cool? Isn't it cool? Is it not cool?
++
Let's do an experiment of the mind, shall we? Imagine if you will,
that we all have immortal souls. Imagine too, that there is an
all-forgiving God, who lets every single human soul into heaven after
the person dies. Imagine that he lets in even those people that would
go straight to the burning, festering pits of hell, were He just a tad
bit more judgmental and/or discriminating.
In such a heaven, can there be any doubt that at this very moment,
Andy Kaufman would have L. Ron Hubbard in a headlock as they wrestled
in a vat of waist deep mud? I think not.
++
Suggested new line for OT-7: Spot a settlement.
++
Business News: New ISO committee forms.
The proposed ISO 75 Trillion Standard will insure standardized
Standards for Applying Standardly Delivered Standard Technology
Standard Standards. Earthlink and Digital Lightwave are competing to
be the first (and only) companies to gain ISO 75trillion compliance
certification.
++
[Paid Advertisement]
[The scene is a dimly lit room. An obviously sad, dejected woman sits
slumped in a straight-back chair, her hair unwashed, wearing a soiled
bathrobe. We can tell little about the woman's appearance and age, as
her head is down, and the light is very dim. The narrator is seen in
the foreground]
Hi. I'm Fran Tarkington. I lost every Superbowl I played in. But today
I'm here to talk frankly with you about a completely different
unpleasant subject. I'm here to talk about the way your smell. Not
your ability to smell, but the way you smell to others.
Friends, do you suffer from morning breath? Poor personal hygiene?
Body odor? DasFoot odor? Obnoxious gaseous emissions? Vaginal yeast
infections?
None of these relatively mild annoyances can compare to the personal
embarrassment, the total humiliation, the complete isolation you
suffer when you have even a mild case of Kendrick Moxon. Yes, friends,
its true, the dreaded condition Kendrick Moxon is the stinkiest, most
foul-smelling condition known to mankind. And it's spreading.
[Scene change: We see the woman from behind, closing her bedroom
curtains to a beautiful sunny day outside, as she crawls into bed and
pulls the covers up over her, still wearing the soiled bathrobe.]
Having Kendrick Moxon won't kill you, but it will practically
guarantee that no one else will have a thing to do with you.
[Zoom in and amplify the ticking sound of the alarm clock next to the
bed.]
But don't despair, because now there's hope.
[Scene change: woman is now seen in the harsh light of a bathroom, a
medicine cabinet is open, and she is rubbing some cream on her arms.
She still wears the bathrobe, and is unadorned. But now she can be
seen to be young and attractive. Her face shows a somewhat curious,
even hopeful look.]
You need not suffer any longer. We have found the complete cure for
your embarrassment. We offer a swift end to your isolation.
[Zoom in on a small tube in the woman's hand]
The answer is right here, in the new miracle cream called "NoMoMoxon."
[Scene changes again. Now the woman, who it turns out, is quite a
buxom, athletic, foxy babe, is seen playing volleyball on a beach,
wearing only a tiny bikini, with many handsome men and gorgeous women
all about her. She is very happy.]
Just rub the ARSCC approved "NoMoMoxon" anti-Kendrick Moxon cream on
your inflicted areas, and within minutes, you'll be sweet smelling
once again. Be a winner. Say "no" to Kendrick Moxon and get back into
the game.
[Close up of woman as she dives and digs the volleyball out of the
sand, image freezes with her face in a big smile (not to mention her
sizeable cleavage)]
Get "NoMoMoxon", and take back your life. Call the toll-free number on
your screen now.
[The still image of the woman's smiling face and full cleavage fades
to black and white while the 800 number text appears in the
foreground.]
Have your credit card ready, and call 1 (800) NOSTINK, that's One
Eight Hundred, En Owe Ess Tee Eye En Kay to order your "NoMoMoxon"
today. Operators are standing by. ("NoMoMoxon" is a registered
trademark of the ARSCC Commercial Products Division.)
[Paid Advertisement]
++
Clambytes presents: L.Ron Hubbard's Old West Theater
[Our play begins as two Scientologist cowboys are sitting around the
campfire, reflecting on the day's toil, as they drive their herd of
cattle along the old Santa Fe trail towards Kansas City, where they
will be slaughtered]
[Credits:
The role of Clem is be played by wgert
The role of Lafayette is be played by DasFoot ]
[Curtain rises on an outdoor campfire scene. It is nighttime.]
Lafayette: Hey Clam, I see you got the fire going.
What-cha writin with that piece of charcoal on that
driftwood?
Clem: I'm writin up a 'Kay' 'Are' on ya.
Lafayette: A 'Kay' 'Are'? What fur? I ain't done nothing wrong.
Clem: I seen you doing the old in-out2D with that cow
down in the gully right after noontime. You tried makin out
like it was headin off down there on it's own, but I
thought you was drivin it down there.
Lafayette: You what? You follered me? You seen me?
Clem: Yep. I got kinda suspicious when you was
trying that messenger girl skirt on all the cattle las'
night.
Lafayette: Dang. I thought you was sleepin.
Clem: The Cow Org never sleeps, Lafayette. Besides, the traffic
noise here along I-40 keeps me awake.
Lafayette: Yeah, well.... You gotta admit, Bessie did look awful purty
in that little skirt, din't she? Huh? Din't she?
Clem: She? We're driving steers.
Lafayette: Steers? Er, yeah, well don't make no nevermind to me. I
love my Bessie. And she did look cute. Admit it.
Clem: I ain't sayin. If'n I was to say yes, you'd write up a
'Kay' 'Are' on me. Then we'd both be in trouble, an then
you'd try to get me to fergit the whole thing, by tradin
favors with me. An I'd say okay. So as much as I'd like to
say, shore yore Bessie is as cute as a bug in that skirt, I
ain't gonna. I'm gonna turn yer ass in ta the ethics
officer, soon as we hit 'Kay' 'See.'
Lafayette: You is way too smart fer me.
Clem: An how many times to I have to tell you to stop namin the
cows? Theys gonna all be slaughtered when we get to 'Kay'
'See.'
Lafayette: Theys gonna be slaughtered?
Clem: Yeah, course they is.
Lafayette: You mean, they ain't gonna slaughter us when we get to
Kansas City?
Clem: No, you dummy. The cattle, they're gonna slaughter the
cattle. Where'd you get the fool idea they was gonna
slaughter us?
Lafayette: Up there at the top o this bit, it says "as they drive
their herd of cattle along the old Santa Fe trail towards
Kansas City, where they will be slaughtered"
Clem: You dummy. You ain't supposed to be reading the parts in
the little square brackets. Jes read yore own lines. And
let me do the thinking fer both of us.
Lafayette: Okay. Let's see, where was I then.... okay,
here it is. Hey Clam, pass me some of them beans.
Clem: Dangit Lafayette, my name is Clem. Stop callin' me
Clam.
Lafayette: Sorry, Clem. I guess I been doing too many handlin's on
a.r.s lately. Them criminal guys gets under yer skin after
a while.
Clem: Oh, that's alright. Hold yer dad-gum tin over here a
little closer and I'll dish you up some beans. OUCH!
There's one. OUCH! There's one. OUCH! There's one.
OUCH!....
Lafayette: Parden me fer sayin so, Clem, I know how you hate havin
your cookin criticized, but next time, wouldn't it
be mite easier if'n you was to cook the beans in a cookpot,
'stead of jest throwin em into the fire like that?
Clem: Dangit Lafayette, don't be tellin me what to do. I'm OT 7
an yore jes OT-5.
Lafayette: Okay, okay. Hey, load me up on some of that rice, too.
Clem: Dang, I was hopin you wouldn't be wantin any of the rice
tonight. OUCH, there's one, OUCH, there's one.
[two hours later]
Lafayette: That was a fine meal. 'Cept the beans was a bit
cold by the time you dished up my rice. Hey, ain't you
gonna have none?
Clem: Naw, my hands is too 'clankin' sore to dish out any more.
Lafayette: Speakin 'a pain, my ass feels like the whole herd
stomped acrost it. Sittin in that saddle ever' day fer
hours is more'n any man...
Clem: You gotta be three feet back.
Lafayette: Say what?
Clem: Three feet back's what I said. Ain't you been doing yer
lessons?
Lafayette: Well, sort of, well, hell, I been gettin a little
behind...
Clem: You can be three feet back of yore saddle. 'Ell" 'Are'
'Aitch' says so. Yore asshole don't have to hurt no more.
Lafayette: Is that how you got horseshit splashed all over yore boots?
Clem: What? [looking at his boots] Dang!
Lafayette: So yore tellin me yore asshole don't hurt none?
Clem: Nope. Not one bit.
Lafayette: Now wait a sec. I seen you rubbin it today.
Clem: I never did.
Lafayette: You did so, you lying bast...
Clem: You criminal bigot!
Lafayette: You is really pissin me off, Clem. Me n'Bessie is blowin
this little cattle drive.
Clem: If'n you blow, you'll die, you'll never make it across the
bridge to 'Kay' 'See'.
Lafayette: I'll die anyway. An who wants to go to 'Kay' 'See' if'n
theys gonna kill Bessie there anyhow? I jes want to be
happy with her, er him, out here in the wide open spaces.
We'll do jes fine without none a this three feet back
splashing horseshit. C'mon Bessie...
Clem: Okay, but I cain't be involved with you no more if'n you
ain't gonna be followin Source.
Lafayette: That suits me jes fine. I never did like you all that much
anyhow, with all yore infernal spyin on me, and always
writin up 'Kay' 'Are's on me, and always pesterin me to
sign up for more courses... Besides, ya stink to high
heaven. You oughta get yerself checked for that moxon
desease.
[Lafayette leads Bessie the cow, wearing a messenger girl's skirt,
into the darkness]
Clem: [under his breath] Dang. [then shouting] Lafayette, a'fore
you leave, what's yore mailin address?
[curtain falls]
++
Let's play "Guess who said it, on a.r.s ?"
Which a.r.s "critical" personality claimed, in all earnestness, that
the OSA has finally wised up?
(answer at the end)
++
[Paul Harvey mode ON]
Did you know that John Travolta's son Jett is not named after the noun
jet, not named because John Travolta flies his own private jets
wherever he goes. No, Jett is named after Jettero Heller, one of the
protagonists in one of L.Ron Hubbard's stiff and awful science fiction
novels.
Now you know the rest of the story.
[Paul Harvey mode OFF]
++
Some Celebrity Scientologist Quotes:
"He's not going to say anything to you. Don't look at Him. Sign this
paper saying you won't look at Him. Give me your camera. I said
give me your camera. He's not coming out here till you sign this
and give me your camera" - Tom Cruise's publicist
"I loved the doingness of bagging groceries" - Jenna Elfman
"We're alive" - Kirstie Alley
"I'm ugly" - Lisa Marie Presley (yeah, and she can't sing either)
++
"I still haven't found, what I'm looking for"
- U2
++
Speaking of classic rock music, I like the music of Sting, both back
when he was with the band "The Police, and then later as a solo
artist. Isn't it nice that John Travolta saved Sting's life by giving
him a touch assist? I think we need to collectively thank him for
that. No matter that Sting doesn't remember this, nor even remember
being at death's door. No matter.
Thanks you, John, thanks for saving Sting's life.
++
I think I'll avoid the rush and start my Christmas trucing early this
year. Maybe I can have it all done by Thanksgiving.
++
DasFoot Brand [tm] Joke:
"Uh, see, there's this criminal guy, and he, he, he, he, he does all
kinds of bad suppressive bigot stuff, so, so, so people start calling
him Duh! Ha Ha Ha Ha, I crack myself up."
++
I just heard on the radio that great new alternative music hit single
"Fly Me to the Implant Station" by Xenu and the Marcabs
++
(answer to "Guess who said it, on a.r.s": Diane Richardson)
Michael Reuss
Honorary Kid
---
"Shy" David Rice. A proud supporter and defender of religious rights. Help fight
religious descrimination! <http://holysmoke.org/tolerate.htm>
"The 'ho hasn't silence me yet." -- Grady Ward
Dave Bird
<mre...@mciworld.com> writes:
>Oh this one with the treats is picking me up, I'll bet he wants to
>give me another treat
> <pant> <pant> <pant>
>I know, I'll kiss him on the face, that always works with my master
> <SLURP> <LICK!>
>Hey, where are you taking me. I'm not allowed in the pool, my master
>gets mad when I'm around here
> <pant> <pant>
>Hey, don't take me in the water, I want a treat!
> <pant> <pant>
>What are you doing, Hey, I can't breathe
> <glub><glub>
>Master, help, where are you, I can't breathe, I don't like this man...
>
> <glub><glub><glub><glub>
>Master...
>
>The end
>(I said it was a simple story, I never said it was a happy story)
|~/ |~/
~~|;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;||';-._.-;'^';||_.-;'^'0-|~~
P | Woof Woof, Glug Glug ||____________|| 0 | P
O | Who Drowned the Judge's Dog? | . . . . . . . '----. 0 | O
O | answers on *---|_______________ @__o0 | O
L |<a href="news:alt.religion.scientology"></a>_____________|/_______| L
www.xemu.demon.co.uk 2B0D 5195 337B A3E6 DDAC BD38 7F2F FD8E 7391 F44F
Prignillius
Michael Reuss <mre...@mciworld.com> wrote:
>
> It's time to once again, in all good fun, fire up the metaphorical
> coals, skewer the raw meat, the seafood, and the vegetables alike,
> time to barbecue some virtual kabobs, in a tradition know as
> Clambytes, the annual comedic e-zine strictly devoted to, for and
> about the newsgroup alt.religion.scientology.
Wow! It seems hard to believe another year has passed already.
I'll repeat my petition of last issue: can't we make Clambytes
at least a semi-annual occurrence?
>
> If this is your first experience with Clambytes, you wouldn't realize
> that this part is the disclaimer. It is. Grant me a little
> disclaimingness and get ready for the best disclaiming you ever heard.
I disclaim that I've snipped the original without annotation.
>
> You Africans, Muslims,
> Palestinians, Jews.
> Christians and Athiests
> I'm talking to youse
(Jews <=> youse -- excellent!)
>
> Now Russkis, Bulgravians
> the north and south Irish
> and all their li'l leprechauns
> please attend, that is my wish
(technically you should be *PLONK*ed for Irish <=> my wish)
>
> Grab a sandwich, grab a brewski
> throw wgert some sows, and
> then gather round the computer
> for Clambytes 2000.
(sows, and <=> thousand: Bravo! <clap, clap, clap>
Ogden Nash either would be proud, or could be a new Elvis-style generator,
I'm not sure which.
>
> =====
> Who you calling a fool, fool?
I won't point out that the continental calendar change took place in
the 17th century (after the founding of Anglicanism), that 10 days
were droppped from the year (not a month), or that the British adopted
the Gregorian calendar in 1752 (and the Russians, bless their little
Bolshevik hearts, in 1917).
Aren't you glad I'm such a nice guy?
>
> =====
> Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #3
>
> Q: What do you call a Scientologist's feces?
> A: Sca't
When I think of Enzo, for some reason I also think of Italy. I pointed
out to Enzo that in Italian, "Scit" would be pronounced "shit." (OK,
it would actually be pronounced more like "sheet," but that's not as
funny).
His response? He told me that "Sci't" is an *American* abbreviation,
not an Italian abbreviation.
8-D
Think I'm making this up? Check Deja.
>
> =====
> Clambytes Editorial:
>
> Lisa Marie Presley has given the Co$ credit for saving her life
> "SEVERAL TIMES!"
>
> Several times, isn't that curious?
>
> Why does the Co$ have to keep saving her life? Isn't she capable of
> learning from her past mistakes? Isn't Scientology helping her to
> become more able?
Apparently not more able to commit suicide. Maybe the next course
can help her with that?
>
> Scientology certainly claims to help people become more able. Is this
> a lie?
What??? The morally vacuous Church of $cientology lie? Oh, Michael,
tell me it isn't so!
>
> Or is Lisa Marie Presley an unfortunate exception to the rule?
Sadly, she doesn't seem to be that much of an exception. For some
reason, the name "Noah Lottick" keeps coming to mind.
>
> Either way, the fact that one needs one's life saved multiple times is
> an indicator that, well, something was dreadfully wrong somewhere...
I guess this one didn't have an implied smiley either.
<sigh>
>
> =====
>
> Terl must have been Biggus Dickus in a previous life.
Does that mean Kelly Preston was Incontinentia Buttocks?
>
> =====
>
> If human beings are not animals made out of meat, fleash and bone, why
> do we all get old and die?
Because you're an evile, suppressive being with overts and withholds
coming out the wazoo! You're a criminal, you hear me? A criminal!
All I have to do is look and I'll find your crimes! You're a tool of
the psychs! You probably even *are* a psych! And I bet you're on
drugs. Yeah, that's it! You're on drugs right now! Michael Reuss
is on drugs right now, aren't you???!!!
[I'm sorry, that's all the time we have...]
But I just want to -- ask him -- you're on drugs right now, aren't you???!!!
Thanks, Mike, you really outdid yourself on this issue!
> Michael Reuss
> Honorary Kid
Prignillius
M. C. DiPietra
Use-Author-Address-Header@[127.1] escribe en 4/13/00 2:04 PM:
[Michael Reuss' masterpiece snipd-4-brevity, as Patrick would say]
>> =====
>> Enzo Scientology Abbrieviation Joke Interlude #3
>>
>> Q: What do you call a Scientologist's feces?
>> A: Sca't
>
> When I think of Enzo, for some reason I also think of Italy. I pointed
> out to Enzo that in Italian, "Scit" would be pronounced "shit." (OK,
> it would actually be pronounced more like "sheet," but that's not as
> funny).
>
Now, my Italian husband would say it "(s)cheat", which makes sense in other
ways, too.
> His response? He told me that "Sci't" is an *American* abbreviation,
> not an Italian abbreviation.
> 8-D
Nah. He's full of scit.
>
> Think I'm making this up? Check Deja.
Good to see you here again, Prig!
That's what I like about a lot of Prignillius' posts; they invite people to
look for themselves...
--
--- http://maggiecouncil.iuma.com
M.C.DiPietra <mdip...@earthlink.net>, SP4
"Hell, if you understood everything I say,
you'd be me!" -Miles Davis