Mark Twain on the By-laws of Christian Science (repost by goonybird)
Goony Bird
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I had been planning on typing these two chapters (plus a brief one
page chapter)
in, but someone beat me to it and transcribed the whole book. This
biting
analysis is, in large part, an inspiration for my own analysis of the
somewhat
more subtle CST Bylaws. However, my own analysis is the merest shadow
of
Twain's. I shamelessly stole logic, reasoning and even turns of
phrase from
this chapter.
Enjoy. Mary Baker Eddy had the goods, and even L. Ron Hubbard has yet
to beat
her at the religion-starting caper.
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/6868/ch00001.html is the base
URL for
the entirety of the book Christian Science by Mark Twain,
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/6868/readroom.html is Gipson
Arnold's
Reading Room, which contains other books, and
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/6868/ is the main page of
Gipson Arnold.
Christian Science
With Notes Containing
Corrections to Date
by Mark Twain
Harper & Brothers Publishers
New York and London
Copyright 1907
This transcription
©1998 Gipson Arnold, All Rights Reserved.
CHAPTER VII
Her Church was on its legs.
She was its pastor. It was prospering.
She was appointed one of a committee to draught By-laws for its
government. It
may be observed, without overplus of irreverence, that this was larks
for her.
She did all of the draughting herself. From the very beginning she was
always in
the front seat when there was business to be done; in the front seat,
with both
eyes open, and looking sharply out for Number One; in the front seat,
working
Mortal Mind with fine effectiveness and giving Immortal Mind a rest
for Sunday.
When her Church was reorganized, by-and-by, the By-laws were retained.
She saw
to that. In these Laws for the government of her Church, her empire,
her
despotism, Mrs. Eddy's character is embalmed for good and all. I think
a
particularized examination of these Church-laws will be found
interesting. And
not the less so if we keep in mind that they were "impelled by a power
not one's
own," as she says-Anglice. the inspiration of God.
It is a Church "without a creed." Still, it has one. Mrs. Eddy
draughted it-and
copyrighted it. In her own name. You cannot become a member of the
Mother-Church
(nor of any Christian Science Church) without signing it. It forms the
first
chapter of the By-laws, and is called "Tenets." "Tenets of The
MotherChurch, The
First Church of Christ, Scientist." It has no hell in it-it throws it
overboard.
THE PASTOR EMERITUS
About the time of the reorganization, Mrs. Eddy retired from her
position of
pastor of her Church, abolished the office of pastor in all branch
Churches, and
appointed her book, Science and Health, to be pastor-universal. Mrs.
Eddy did
not disconnect herself from the office entirely, when she retired, but
appointed
herself Pastor Emeritus. It is a misleading title, and belongs to the
family of
that phrase "without a creed." It advertises her as being a merely
honorary
official, with nothing to do, and no authority. The Czar of Russia is
Emperor
Emeritus on the same terms. Mrs. Eddy was Autocrat of the Church
before, with
limitless authority, and she kept her grip on that limitless authority
when she
took that fictitious title.
It is curious and interesting to note with what an unerring instinct
the Pastor
Emeritus has thought out and forecast all possible encroachments upon
her
planned autocracy, and barred the way against them, in the By-laws
which she
framed and copyrighted-under the guidance of the Supreme Being.
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS
For instance, when Article I. speaks of a President and Board of
Directors, you
think you have discovered a formidable check upon the powers and
ambitions of
the honorary pastor, the ornamental pastor, the functionless pastor,
the Pastor
Emeritus, but it is a mistake. These great officials are of the
phrase-family of
the Church-Without-a-Creed and the Pastor-With-Nothing-to-Do; that is
to say, of
Me family of Large-Names-Which-Mean-Nothing. The Board is of so little
consequence that the By-laws do not state how it is chosen, nor who
does it; but
they do state, most definitely, that the Board cannot fill a vacancy
in its
number "except the candidate is approved by the Pastor Emeritus."
The "candidate." The Board cannot even proceed to an election until
the Pastor
Emeritus has examined the list and squelched such candidates as are
not
satisfactory to her.
Whether the original first Board began as the personal property of
Mrs. Eddy or
not, it is foreseeable that in time, under this By-law, she would own
it. Such a
first Board might chafe under such a rule as that, and try to
legislate it out
of existence some day. But Mrs. Eddy was awake. She foresaw that
danger, and
added this ingenious and effective clause:
"This By-law can neither be amended nor annulled, except by consent of
Mrs.
Eddy, the Pastor Emeritus"
THE PRESIDENT
The Board of Directors, or Serfs, or Ciphers, elects the President.
On these clearly worded terms: "Subject to the approval of the Pastor
Emeritus."
Therefore She elects him.
A long term can invest a high official with influence and power, and
make him
dangerous. Mrs. Eddy reflected upon that; so she limits the
President's term to
a year. She has a capable commercial head, an organizing head, a head
for
government.
TREASURER AND CLERK
There are a Treasurer and a Clerk. They are elected by the Board of
Directors.
That is to say, by Mrs. Eddy.
Their terms of office expire on the first Tuesday in June of each
year, "or upon
the election of their successors." They must be watchfully obedient
and
satisfactory to her, or she will elect and install their successors
with a
suddenness that can be unpleasant to them. It goes without saying that
the
Treasurer manages the Treasury to suit Mrs. Eddy, and is in fact
merely
Temporary Deputy Treasurer.
Apparently the Clerk has but two duties to perform: to read messages
from Mrs.
Eddy to First Members assembled in solemn Council, and provide lists
of
candidates for Church membership. The select body entitled First
Members are the
aristocracy of the Mother-Church, the Charter Members, the Aborigines,
a sort of
stylish but unsalaried little College of Cardinals, good for show, but
not
indispensable. Nobody is indispensable in Mrs. Eddy's empire; she sees
to that.
When the Pastor Emeritus sends a letter or message to that little
Sanhedrin, it
is the Clerk's "imperative duty" to read it "at the place and time
specified."
Otherwise, the world might come to an end. These are fine, large
frills, and
remind us of the ways of emperors and such. Such do not use the
penny-post, they
send a gilded and painted special messenger, and he strides into the
Parliament,
and business comes to a sudden and solemn and awful stop; and in the
impressive
hush that follows, the Chief Clerk reads the document. It is his
"imperative
duty." If he should neglect it, his official life would end. It is the
same with
this Mother-Church Clerk; "if he fail to perform this important
function of his
office," certain majestic and unshirkable solemnities must follow: a
special
meeting "shall" be called; a member of the Church "shall" make formal
complaint;
then the Clerk "shall" be "removed from office." Complaint is
sufficient, no
trial is necessary.
There is something very sweet and juvenile and innocent and pretty
about these
little tinsel vanities, these grave apings of monarchical fuss and
feathers and
ceremony, here on our ostentatiously democratic soil. She is the same
lady that
we found in the Autobiography, who was so naively vain of all that
little
ancestral military riffraff that she had dug up and annexed. A
person's nature
never changes. What it is in childhood, it remains. Under pressure, or
a change
of interest, it can partially or wholly disappear from sight, and for
considerable stretches of time, but nothing can ever permanently
modify it,
nothing can ever remove it.
BOARD OF TRUSTEES
There isn't any-now. But with power and money piling up higher and
higher every
day and the Church's dominion spreading daily wider and farther, a
time could
come when the envious and ambitious could start the idea that it would
be wise
and well to put a watch upon these assets-a watch equipped with
properly large
authority. By custom, a Board of Trustees. Mrs. Eddy has foreseen that
probability -for she is a woman with a long, long look ahead, the
longest look
ahead that ever a woman had-and she has provided for that emergency.
In Art. I.,
Sec. 5, she has decreed that no Board of Trustees shall ever exist in
the
Mother-Church "except it be constituted by the Pastor Emeritus."
The magnificence of it, the daring of it! Thus far, she is
The Massachusetts Metaphysical College;
Pastor Emeritus;
President;
Board of Directors;
Treasurer;
Clerk;
and future Board of Trustees;
and is still moving onward, ever onward. When I contemplate her from a
commercial point of view, there are no words that can convey my
admiration of
her.
READERS
These are a feature of first importance in the church-machinery of
Christian
Science. For they occupy the pulpit. They hold the place that the
preacher holds
in the other Christian Churches. They hold that place, but they do not
preach.
Two of them are on duty at a time -a man and a woman. One reads a
passage from
the Bible, the other reads the explanation of it from Science and
Health-and so
they go on alternating. This constitutes the service -this, with
choir-music.
They utter no word of their own. Art. IV., Sec. 6, closes their mouths
with this
uncompromising gag:
"They shall make no remarks explanatory of the Lesson-Sermon at any
time during
the service."
It seems a simple little thing. One is not startled by it at a first
reading of
it; nor at the second, nor the third. One may have to read it a dozen
times
before the whole magnitude of it rises before the mind. It far and
away
oversizes and outclasses the best business-idea yet invented for the
safe-guarding and perpetuating of a religion. If it had been thought
of and put
in force eighteen hundred and seventy years ago, there would be but
one
Christian sect in the world now, instead of ten dozens of them.
There are many varieties of men in the world, consequently there are
many
varieties of minds in its pulpits. This insures many differing
interpretations
of important Scripture texts, and this in turn insures the splitting
up of a
religion into many sects. It is what has happened; it was sure to
happen.
Mrs. Eddy has noted this disastrous result of preaching, and has put
up the
bars. She will have no preaching in her Church. She has explained all
essential
Scriptures, and set the explanations down in her book. In her belief
her
underlings cannot improve upon those explanations, and in that stern
sentence
"they shall make no explanatory remarks" she has barred them for all
time from
trying. She will be obeyed; there is no question about that.
In arranging her government she has borrowed ideas from various
sources-not poor
ones, but the best in the governmental market -but this one is new,
this one
came out of no ordinary business-head, this one must have come out of
her own,
there has been no other commercial skull in a thousand centuries that
was equal
to it. She has borrowed freely and wisely, but I am sure that this
idea is many
times larger than all her borrowings bulked together. One must respect
the
business-brain that produced it-the splendid pluck and impudence that
ventured
to promulgate it, anyway.
ELECTION OF READERS
Readers are not taken at hap-hazard, any more than preachers are taken
at
hap-hazard for the pulpits of other sects. No, Readers are elected by
the Board
of Directors. But-
"Section 3. The Board shall inform the Pas. for Emeritus of the names
of
candidates for Readers before they are elected, and if she objects to
the
nomination, said candidates shall not be chosen."
Is that an election-by the Board? Thus far I have not been able to
find out what
that Board of Spectres is for. It certainly has no real function, no
duty which
the hired girl could not perform, no office beyond the mere recording
of the
autocrat's decrees.
There are no dangerously long office-terms in Mrs. Eddy's government.
The
Readers are elected for but one year. This insures their subserviency
to their
proprietor.
Readers are not allowed to copy out passages and read them from the
manuscript
in the pulpit; they must read from Mrs. Eddy's book itself. She is
right. Slight
changes could be slyly made, repeated, and in time get acceptance with
congregations. Branch sects could grow out of these practices. Mrs.
Eddy knows
the human race, and how far to trust it. Her limit is not over a
quarter of an
inch. It is all that a wise person will risk.
Mrs. Eddy's inborn disposition to copyright everything, charter
everything,
secure the rightful and proper credit to herself for everything she
does, and
everything she thinks she does, and everything she thinks, and
everything she
thinks she thinks or has thought or intends to think, is illustrated
in Sec. 5
of Art. IV., defining the duties of official Readers -in church:
"Naming Book and Author. The Reader of Science and Health, with Key to
the
Scriptures, before commencing to read from this book, shall distinctly
announce
its full title and give the author's name."
Otherwise the congregation might get the habit of forgetting who
(ostensibly)
wrote the book.
THE ARISTOCRACY
This consists of First Members and their apostolic succession. It is a
close
corporation, and its membership limit is one hundred. Forty will
answer, but if
the number fall below that, there must be an election, to fill the
grand quorum.
This Sanhedrin can't do anything of the slightest importance, but it
can talk.
It can "discuss." That is, it can discuss "important questions
relative to
Church members", evidently persons who are already Church members.
This affords
it amusement, and does no harm.
It can "fix the salaries of the Readers."
Twice a year it "votes on" admitting candidates. That is, for Church
membership.
But its work is cut out for it beforehand, by Sec. , Art. IX.:
"Every recommendation for membership In the Church 'shall be
countersigned by a
loyal student of Mrs. Eddy's, by a Director of this Church, or by a
First
Member.'"
All these three classes of beings are the personal property of Mrs.
Eddy. She
has absolute control of the elections.
Also it must "transact any Church business that may properly come
before it."
"Properly" is a thoughtful word. No importent business can come before
it. The
By laws have attended to that. No important business goes before any
one for the
final word except Mrs. Eddy. She has looked to that.
The Sanhedrin "votes on" candidates for admission to its own body. But
is its
vote worth any more than mine would be? No, it isn't. Sec. 4, of Art.
V.-Election of First Members -makes this quite plain:
"Before being elected, the candidates for First Members shall be
approved by the
Pastor Emeritus over her own signature."
Thus the Sanhedrin is the personal property of Mrs. Eddy. She owns it.
It has no
functions, no authority, no real existence. It is another Board of
Shadows. Mrs.
Eddy is the Sanhedrin herself.
But it is time to foot up again and "see where we are at." Thus far,
Mrs. Eddy
is
The Massachusetts Metaphysical College;
Pastor Emeritus,
President;
Board of Directors;
Treasurer;
Clerk;
Future Board of Trustees;
Proprietor of the Priesthood:
Dictator of the Services;
Proprietor of the Sanhedrin. She has come far, and is still on her
way.
CHURCH MEMBERSHIP
In this Article there is another exhibition of a couple of the large
features of
Mrs. Eddy's remarkable make-up: her business-talent and her knowledge
of human
nature.
She does not beseech and implore people to join her Church. She knows
the human
race better than that. She gravely goes through the motions of
reluctantly
granting admission to the applicant as a favor to him. The idea is
worth untold
shekels. She does not stand at the gate of the fold with welcoming
arms spread,
and receive the lost sheep with glad emotion and set up the fatted
calf and
invite the neighbor and have a time. No, she looks upon him coldly,
she snubs
him, she says:
"Who are you? Who is your sponsor? Who asked you to come here? Go
away, and
don't come again until you are invited."
It is calculated to strikingly impress a person accustomed to Moody
and Sankey
and Sam Jones revivals; accustomed to brain-turning appeals to the
unknown and
unendorsed sinner to come forward and enter into the joy, etc.- "just
as he is";
accustomed to seeing him do it; accustomed to seeing him pass up the
aisle
through sobbing seas of welcome, and love, and congratulation, and
arrive at the
mourner's bench and be received like a long-lost government bond.
No, there is nothing of that kind in Mrs. Eddy's system. She knows
that if you
wish to confer upon a human being something which he is not sure he
wants, the
best way is to make it apparently difficult for him to get it-then he
is no son
of Adam if that apple does not assume an interest in his eyes which it
lacked
before. In time this interest can grow into desire. Mrs. Eddy knows
that when
you cannot get a man to try-free of cost-a new and effective remedy
for a
disease he is afflicted with, you can generally sell it to him if you
will put a
price upon it which he cannot afford. When, in the beginning, she
taught
Christian Science gratis (for good reasons), pupils were few and
reluctant, and
required persuasion; it was when she raised the limit to three hundred
dollars
for a dollar's worth that she could not find standing room for the
invasion of
pupils that followed.
With fine astuteness she goes through the motions of making it
difficult to get
membership in her Church. There is a twofold value in this system: it
gives
membership a high value in the eyes of the applicant; and at the same
time the
requirements exacted enable Mrs. Eddy to keep him out if she has
doubts about
his value to her. A word further as to applications for membership:
"Applications of students of the Metaphysical College must be signed
by the
Board of Directors."
That is safe. Mrs. Eddy is proprietor of that Board.
Children of twelve may be admitted if invited by "one of Mrs. Eddy's
loyal
students, or by a First Member, or by a Director."
These sponsors are the property of Mrs. Eddy, therefore her Church is
safeguarded from the intrusion of undesirable children.
Other Students. Applicants who have not studied with Mrs. Eddy can get
in only
"by invitation and recommendation from students of Mrs. Eddy . . . or
from
members of the Mother-Church."
Other paragraphs explain how two or three other varieties of
applicants are to
be challenged and obstructed, and tell us who is authorized to invite
them,
recommend them endorse them, and all that.
The safeguards are definite, and would seem to be sufficiently
strenuous-to Mr.
Sam Jones, at any rate. Not for Mrs. Eddy. She adds this clincher:
"The candidates be elected by a majority vote of the First Members
present."
That is the aristocracy, the aborigines, the Sanhedrin. It is Mrs.
Eddy's
property. She herself is the Sanhedrin. No one can get into the Church
if she
wishes to keep him out.
This veto power could some time or other have a large value for her,
therefore
she was wise to reserve it.
It is likely that it is not frequently used. It is also probable that
the
difficulties attendant upon getting admission to membership have been
instituted
more to invite than to deter, more to enhance the value of membership
and make
people long for it than to make it really difficult to get. I think
so, because
the Mother. Church has many thousands of members more than its
building can
accommodate.
'ANDSOME ENGLISH REQUIRED
Mrs. Eddy is very particular as regards one detail -curiously so, for
her, all
things considered. The Church Readers must be "good English scholars";
they must
be "thorough English scholars."
She is thus sensitive about the English of her subordinates for cause,
possibly.
In her chapter defining the duties of the Clerk there is an indication
that she
harbors resentful memories of an occasion when the hazy quality of her
own
English made unforeseen and mortifying trouble:
"Understanding Communications. Sec. 2. If the Clerk of this Church
shall receive
a communication from the Pastor Emeritus which he does not fully
understand, he
shall inform her of this fact before presenting it to the Church, and
obtain a
clear understanding of the matter -then act in accordance therewith."
She should have waited to calm down, then, but instead she added this,
which
lacks sugar:
"Failing to adhere to this By-law, the Clerk must resign."
I wish I could see that communication that broke the camel's back. It
was
probably the one beginning: "What plague spot or bacilli were gnawing
at the
heart of this metropolis and bringing it on bended knee?" and I think
it likely
that the kindly disposed Clerk tried to translate it into English and
lost his
mind and had to go to the hospital. That Bylaw was not the offspring
of a
forecast, an intuition, it was certainly born of a sorrowful
experience. Its
temper gives the fact away.
The little book of By-laws has manifestly been tinkered by one of Mrs.
Eddy's "
thorough English scholars," for in the majority of cases its meanings
are clear.
The book is not even marred by Mrs. Eddy's peculiar specialty-
lumbering
clumsinesses of speech. I believe the salaried polisher has weeded
them all out
but one. In one place, after referring to Science and Health, Mrs.
Eddy goes on
to say " the Bible and the above - named book, with other works by the
same
author," etc.
It is an unfortunate sentence, for it could mislead a hasty or
careless reader
for a moment. Mrs. Eddy framed it-it is her very own-it bears her
trade-mark.
"The Bible and Science and Health, with other works by the same
author," could
have come from no literary vacuum but the one which produced the
remark (in the
Autobiography): "I remember reading, in my childhood, certain
manuscripts
containing Scriptural Sonnets, besides other verses and enigmas."
We know what she means, in both instances, but a low-priced Clerk
would not
necessarily know, and on a salary like his he could quite excusably
aver that
the Pastor Emeritus had commanded him to come and make proclamation
that she was
author of the Bible, and that she was thinking of discharging some
Scriptural
sonnets and other enigmas upon the congregation. It could lose him his
place,
but it would not be fair, if it happened before the edict about
"Understanding
Communications" was promulgated.
"READERS" AGAIN
The By-law book makes a showy pretence of orderliness and system, but
it is only
a pretence. I will not go so far as to say it is a harum-scarum
jumble, for it
is not that, but I think it fair to say it is at least jumbulacious in
places.
For instance, Articles III. and IV. set forth in much detail the
qualifications
and duties of Readers, she then skips some thirty pages and takes up
the subject
again. It looks like slovenliness, but it may be only art. The belated
By-law
has a sufficiently quiet look, but it has a ton of dynamite in it. It
makes all
the Christian Science Church Readers on the globe the personal
chattels of Mrs.
Eddy. Whenever she chooses, she can stretch her long arm around the
world's fat
belly and flirt a Reader out of his pulpit, though he be tucked away
in seeming
safety and obscurity in a lost village in the middle of China:
"In any Church. Sec. 2. The Pastor Emeritus of the Mother-Church shall
have the
right (through a letter addressed to the individual and Church of
which he is
the Reader) to remove a Reader from this office in any Church of
Christ,
Scientist, both in America and in foreign nations; or to appoint the
Reader to
fill any office belonging to the Christian Science denomination."
She does not have to prefer charges against him, she does not have to
find him
lazy, careless, incompetent, untidy, ill-mannered, unholy, dishonest,
she does
not have to discover a fault of any kind in him, she does not have to
tell him
nor his congregation why she dismisses and disgraces him and insults
his meek
flock, she does not have to explain to his family why she takes the
bread out of
their mouths and turns them out-of-doors homeless and ashamed in a
strange land;
she does not have to do anything but send a letter and say: "Pack!
-and ask no
questions!"
Has the Pope this power? -the other Pope -the one in Rome. Has he
anything
approaching it? Can he turn a priest out of his pulpit and strip him
of his
office and his livelihood just upon a whim, a caprice, and meanwhile
furnishing
no reasons to the parish? Not in America. And not elsewhere, we may
believe.
It is odd and strange, to see intelligent and educated people among us
worshipping this self-seeking and remorseless tyrant as a God. This
worship is
denied-by persons who are themselves worshippers of Mrs. Eddy. I feel
quite sure
that it is a worship which will continue during ages.
That Mrs. Eddy wrote that amazing By-law with her own hand we have
much better
evidence than her word. We have her English. It is there. It cannot be
imitated.
She ought never to go to the expense of copyrighting her verbal
discharges. When
any one tries to claim them she should call me; I can always tell them
from any
other literary apprentice's at a glance. It was like her to call
America a
"nation"; she would call a sand-bar a nation if it should fall into a
sentence
in which she was speaking of peoples, for she would not know how to
untangle it
and get it out and classify it by itself. And the closing arrangement
of that
By-law is in true Eddysonian form, too. In it she reserves authority
to make a
Reader fill any office connected with a Science church- sexton,
grave-digger,
advertising-agent, Annex-polisher, leader of the choir, President,
Director,
Treasurer, Clerk, etc. She did not mean that. She already possessed
that
authority. She meant to clothe herself with power, despotic and
unchallengeable,
to appoint all Science Readers to their offices, both at home and
abroad. The
phrase "or to appoint" is another miscarriage of intention; she did
not mean
"or," she meant "and."
That By-law puts into Mrs. Eddy's hands absolute command over the most
formidable force and influence existent in the Christian Science
kingdom outside
of herself, and it does this unconditionally and (by auxiliary force
of Laws
already quoted) irrevocably. Still, she is not quite satisfied.
Something might
happen, she doesn't know what. Therefore she drives in one more nail,
to make
sure, and drives it deep:
"This By-law can neither be amended nor annulled, except by consent of
the
Pastor Emeritus."
Let some one with a wild and delirious fancy try and see if he can
imagine her
furnishing that consent.
MONOPOLY OF SPIRITUAL BREAD
Very properly, the first qualification for membership in the
Mother-Church is
belief in the doctrines of Christian Science.
But these doctrines must not be gathered from secondary sources. There
is but
one recognized source. The candidate must be a believer in the
doctrines of
Christian Science "according to the platform and teaching contained in
the
Christian Science text-book, 'Science and Health, with Key to the
Scriptures,'
by Rev. Mary Baker G. Eddy."
That is definite, and is final. There are to be no commentaries, no
labored
volumes of exposition and explanation by anybody except Mrs. Eddy.
Because such
things could sow error, create warring opinions, split the religion
into sects,
and disastrously cripple its power. Mrs. Eddy will do the whole of the
explaining, Herself-has done it, in fact. She has written several
books. They
are to be had (for cash in advance), they are all sacred; additions to
them can
never be needed and will never be permitted. They tell the candidate
how to
instruct himself, how to teach others, how to do all things comprised
in the
business-and they close the door against all would-be competitors, and
monopolize the trade:
"The Bible and the above - named book [Science and Health], with other
works by
the same author," must be his only text-books for the commerce-he
cannot forage
outside.
Mrs. Eddy's words are to be the sole elucidators of the Bible and
Science and
Health -forever. Throughout the ages, whenever there is doubt as to
the meaning
of a passage in either of these books the inquirer will not dream of
trying to
explain it to himself; he would shudder at the thought of such
temerity, such
profanity, he would be haled to the Inquisition and thence to the
public square
and the stake if he should be caught studying into text-meanings on
his own
hook; he will be prudent and seek the meanings at the only permitted
source,
Mrs. Eddy's commentaries.
Value of this Strait-jacket. One must not underrate the magnificence
of this
long-headed idea, one must not underestimate its giant possibilities
in the
matter of trooping the Church solidly together and keeping it so. It
squelches
independent inquiry, and makes such a thing impossible, profane,
criminal, it
authoritatively settles every dispute that can arise. It starts with
finality -a
point which the Roman Church has travelled towards fifteen or sixteen
centuries,
stage by stage, and has not yet reached. The matter of the Immaculate
Conception
of the Virgin Mary was not authoritatively settled until the days of
Pius
IX.-yesterday, so to speak.
As already noticed, the Protestants are broken up into a long array of
sects, a
result of disputes about the meanings of texts, disputes made
unavoidable by the
absence of an infallible authority to submit doubtful passages to. A
week or two
ago (I am writing in the middle of January, 1903), the clergy and
others
hereabouts had a warm dispute in the papers over this question: Did
Jesus
anywhere claim to be God? It seemed an easy question, but it turned
out to be a
hard one. It was ably and elaborately discussed, by learned men of
several
denominations, but in the end it remained unsettled.
A week ago, another discussion broke out. It was over this text:
"Sell all that thou hast and distribute unto the poor."
One verdict was worded as follows:
"When Christ answered the rich young man and said for him to give to
the poor
all he possessed or he could not gain everlasting life, He did not
mean it in
the literal sense. My interpretation of His words is that we should
part with
what comes between us and Christ.
"There is no doubt that Jesus believed that the rich young man thought
more of
his wealth than he did of his soul, and, such being the case, it was
his duty to
give up the wealth.
"Every one of us knows that there is something we should give up for
Christ.
Those who are true believers and followers know what they have given
up, and
those who are not yet followers know down in their hearts what they
must give
up."
Ten clergymen of various denominations were interviewed, and nine of
them agreed
with that verdict. That did not settle the matter, because the tenth
said the
language of Jesus was so strait and definite that it explained itself:
"Sell
all," not a percentage.
There is a most unusual feature about that dispute: the nine persons
who decided
alike, quoted not a single authority in support of their position. I
do not know
when I have seen trained disputants do the like of that before. The
nine merely
furnished their own opinions, founded upon-nothing at all. In the
other dispute
("Did Jesus anywhere claim to be God?") the same kind of men-trained
and learned
clergymen-backed up their arguments with chapter and verse. On both
sides.
Plenty of verses. Were no reinforcing verses to be found in the
present case? It
looks that way.
The opinion of the nine seems strange to me, for it is unsupported by
authority,
while there was at least constructive authority for the opposite view.
It is hair-splitting differences of opinion over disputed
text-meanings that
have divided into many sects a once united Church. One may infer from
some of
the names in the following list that some of the differences are very
slight -so
slight as to be not distinctly important, perhaps-yet they have moved
groups to
withdraw from communions to which they belonged and set up a sect of
their own.
The list-accompanied by various Church statistics for 1902, compiled
by Rev. Dr.
H. K. Carroll-was published, January 8, 1903, in the New York
Christian
Advocate:
Adventists (6 bodies), Baptists (13 bodies), Brethren (Plymouth) (4
bodies),
Brethren (River) (3 bodies), Catholics (8 bodies), Catholic Apostolic,
Christadelphians, Christian Connection, Christian Catholics (Dowie),
Christian
Missionary Association, Christian Scientists, Church of God
(Wine-brennarian),
Church of the New Jerusalem, Congregationalists, Disciples of Christ,
Dunkards
(4 bodies), Evangelical (2 bodies), Friends (4 bodies), Friends of the
Temple,
German Evangelical Protestant, German Evangelical Synod, Independent
congregations, Jews (2 bodies), Latter-day Saints (2 bodies),
Lutherans (22
bodies), Mennonites (12 bodies), Methodists (17 bodies), Moravians,
Presbyterians (12 bodies), Protestant Episcopal (2 bodies), Reformed
(3 bodies),
Schwenkfeldians, Social Brethren, Spiritualists, Swedish Evangelical
Miss.
Covenant (Waldenstromians), Unitarians, United Brethren (2 bodies),
Universalists,
Total of sects and splits-139.
In the present month (February), Mr. E. I. Lindh, A..M., has
communicated to the
Boston Transcript a hopeful article on the solution of the problem of
the
"divided church." Divided is not too violent a term. Subdivided could
have been
permitted if he had thought of it. He came near thinking of it, for he
mentions
some of the subdivisions himself: "the 12 kinds of Presbyterians, the
17 kinds
of Methodists, the 13 kinds of Baptists, etc." He overlooked the 12
kinds of
Mennonites and the 22 kinds of Lutherans, but they are in Rev. Mr.
Carroll's
list. Altogether, 76 splits under 5 flags. The Literary Digest
(February 14th)
is pleased with Mr. Lindh's optimistic article, and also with the
signs of the
times, and perceives that "the idea of Church unity is in the air."
Now, then, is not Mrs. Eddy profoundly wise in forbidding, for all
time, all
explanations of her religion except such as she shall let on to be her
own?
I think so. I think there can be no doubt of it. In a way, they will
be her own;
for, no matter which member of her clerical staff shall furnish the
explanations, not a line of them will she ever allow to be printed
until she
shall have approved it, accepted it, copyrighted it, cabbaged it. We
may depend
on that with a four-ace confidence.
THE NEW INFALLIBILITY
All in proper time Mrs. Eddy's factory will take hold of that
Commandment, and
explain it for good and all. It may be that one member of the shift
will vote
that the word "all" means all; it may be that ten members of the shift
will vote
that "all" means only a percentage; but it is Mrs. Eddy, not the
eleven, who
will do the deciding. And if she says it is percentage, then
percentage it is,
forevermore -and that is what I am expecting, for she doesn't sell all
herself,
nor any considerable part of it, and as regards the poor, she doesn't
declare
any dividend; but if she says "all" means all, then all it is, to the
end of
time, and no follower of hers will ever be allowed to reconstruct that
text, or
shrink it, or inflate it, or meddle with it in any way at all. Even
to-day-right
here in the beginning-she is the sole person who, in the matter of
Christian
Science exegesis, is privileged to exploit the Spiral Twist. The
Christian world
has two Infallibles now.
Of equal power? For the present only. When Leo XIII. passes to his
rest another
Infallible will ascend his throne; others, and yet others, and still
others will
follow him, and be as infallible as he, and decide questions of
doctrine as long
as they may come up, all down the far future; but Mary Baker G. Eddy
is the only
Infallible that will ever occupy the Science throne. Many a Science
Pope will
succeed her, but she has closed their mouths; they will repeat and
reverently
praise and adore her infallibilities, but venture none themselves. In
her grave
she will still outrank all other Popes, be they of what Church they
may. She
will hold the supremest of earthly titles, The Infallible-with a
capital T. Many
in the world's history have had a hunger for such nuggets and slices
of power as
they might reasonably hope to grab out of an empire's or a religion's
assets,
but Mrs. Eddy is the only person alive or dead who has ever struck for
the whole
of them. For small things she has the eye of a microscope, for large
ones the
eye of a telescope, and whatever she sees, she wants. Wants it all.
THE SACRED POEMS
When Mrs. Eddy's "sacred revelations" (that is the language of the
By-laws) are
read in public, their authorship must be named. The By-laws twice
command this,
therefore we mention it twice, to be fair.
But it is also commanded that when a member publicly quotes "from the
poems of
our Pastor Emeritus" the authorship shall be named. For these are
sacred, too.
There are kindly people who may suspect a hidden generosity in that
By-law; they
may think it is there to protect the Official Reader from the
suspicion of
having written the poems himself. Such do not know Mrs. Eddy. She does
an
inordinate deal of protecting, but in no distinctly named and
specified case in
her history has Number Two been the object of it. Instances have been
claimed,
but they have failed of proof, and even of plausibility.
"Members shall also instruct their students" to look out and advertise
the
authorship when they read those poems and things. Not on Mrs. Eddy's
account,
but "for the good of our Cause."
THE CHURCH EDIFICE
1. Mrs. Eddy gave the land. It was not of much value at the time, but
it is very
valuable now.
2. Her people built the Mother-Church edifice on it, at a cost of two
hundred
and fifty thousand dollars.
3. Then they gave the whole property to her.
4. Then she gave it to the Board of Directors. She is the Board of
Directors.
She took it out of one pocket and put it in the other.
5. Sec. 10 (of the deed). "Whenever said Directors shall determine
that it is
inexpedient to maintain preaching, reading, or speaking in said church
in
accordance with the terms of this deed, they are authorized and
required to
reconvey forthwith said lot of land with the building thereon to Mary
Baker G.
Eddy, her heirs and assigns forever, by a proper deed of conveyance."
She is never careless, never slipshod, about a matter of business.
Owning the
property through her Board of Waxworks was safe enough, still it was
sound
business to set another grip on it to cover accidents, and she did it.
Her
barkers (what a curious name; I wonder if it is copyrighted); her
barkers
persistently advertise to the public her generosity in giving away a
piece of
land which cost her a trifle, and a two - hundred - and - fifty -
thousand -
dollar church which cost her nothing; and they can hardly speak of the
unselfishness of it without breaking down and crying; yet they know
she gave
nothing away, and never intended to. However, such is the human race.
Often it
does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Some of the hostiles think that Mrs. Eddy's idea in protecting this
property in
the interest of her heirs, and in accumulating a great money fortune,
is, that
she may leave her natural heirs well provided for when she goes. I
think it is a
mistake. I think she is of late years giving herself large concern
about only
one interest-her power and glory, and the perpetuation and worship of
her
Name-with a capital N. Her Church is her pet heir, and I think it will
get her
wealth. It is the torch which is to light the world and the ages with
her glory.
I think she once prized money for the ease and comfort it could bring,
the showy
vanities it could furnish, and the social promotion it could command;
for we
have seen that she was born into the world with little ways and
instincts and
aspirations and affectations that are duplicates of our own. I do not
think her
money-passion has ever diminished in ferocity, I do not think that she
has ever
allowed a dollar that had no friends to get by her alive, but I think
her reason
for wanting it has changed. I think she wants it now to increase and
establish
and perpetuate her power and glory with, not to add to her comforts
and
luxuries, not to furnish paint and fuss and feathers for vain display.
I think
her ambitions have soared away above the fuss-and-feather stage. She
still likes
the little shows and vanities-a fact which she exposed in a public
utterance two
or three days ago when she was not noticing-but I think she does not
place a
large value upon them now. She could build a mighty and far-shining
brass-mounted palace if she wanted to, but she does not do it. She
would have
had that kind of an ambition in the early scrabbling times. She could
go to
England to-day and be worshipped by earls, and get a comet's attention
from the
million, if she cared for such things. She would have gone in the
early
scrabbling days for much less than an earl, and been vain of it, and
glad to
show off before the remains of the Scotch kin. But those things are
very small
to her now-next to invisible, observed through the cloud-rack from the
dizzy
summit where she perches in these great days. She does not want that
church
property for herself. It is worth but a quarter of a million-a sum she
could
call in from her far-spread flocks to-morrow with a lift of her hand.
Not a
squeeze of it, just a lift. It would come without a murmur; come
gratefully,
come gladly. And if her glory stood in more need of the money in
Boston than it
does where her flocks are propagating it, she would lift the hand, I
think.
She is still reaching for the Dollar, she will continue to reach for
it; but not
that she may spend it upon herself; not that she may spend it upon
charities;
not that she may indemnify an early deprivation and clothe herself in
a blaze of
North Adams gauds; not that she may have nine breeds of pie for
breakfast, as
only the rich New-Englander can; not that she may indulge any petty
material
vanity or appetite that once was hers and prized and nursed, but that
she may
apply that Dollar to statelier uses, and place it where it may cast
the metallic
sheen of her glory farthest across the receding expanses of the globe.
PRAYER
A brief and good one is furnished in the book of By-laws. The
Scientist is
required to pray it every day.
THE LORD'S PRAYER-AMENDED
This is not in the By-laws, it is in the first chapter of Science and
Health,
edition of 1902. I do not find it in the edition of 1884. It is
probable that it
had not at that time been handed down. Science and Health's (latest)
rendering
of its "spiritual sense" is as follows:
"Our Father-Mother God' all-harmonious, adorable One. Thy kingdom is
within us,
Thou art ever-present. Enable us to know- as in heaven, so on earth
-God is
supreme. Give us grace for to-day; feed the famished affections. And
infinite
Love is reflected in love. And Love leadeth us not into temptation,
but
delivereth from sin, disease, and death. For God is now and forever
all Life,
Truth, and Love."
If I thought my opinion was desired and would be properly revered, I
should say
that in my judgment that is as good a piece of carpentering as any of
those
eleven Commandment-experts could do with the material after all their
practice.
I notice only one doubtful place." Lead us not into temptation" seems
to me to
be a very definite request, and that the new rendering turns the
definite
request into a definite assertion. I shall be glad to have that turned
back to
the old way and the marks of the Spiral Twist removed, or varnished
over; then I
shall be satisfied, and will do the best I can with what is left. At
the same
time, I do feel that the shrinkage in our spiritual assets is getting
serious.
First the Commandments, now the Prayer. I never expected to see these
steady old
reliable securities watered down to this. And this is not the whole of
it. Last
summer the Presbyterians extended the Calling and Election suffrage to
nearly
everybody entitled to salvation. They did not even stop there, but let
out all
the unbaptized American infants we had been accumulating for two
hundred years
and more. There are some that believe they would have let the Scotch
ones out,
too, if they could have done it. Everything is going to ruin; in no
long time we
shall have nothing left but the love of God.
THE NEW UNPARDONABLE SIN
"Working Against the Cause. Sec. 2. If a member of this Church shall
work
against the accomplishment of what the Discoverer and Founder of
Christian
Science understands is advantageous to the individual, to this Church,
and to
the Cause of Christian Science"-out he goes. Forever.
The member may think that what he is doing will advance the Cause, but
he is not
invited to do any thinking. More than that, he is not permitted to do
any-as he
will clearly gather from this By-law. When a person joins Mrs. Eddy's
Church he
must leave his thinker at home. Leave it permanently. To make sure
that it will
not go off some time or other when he is not watching, it will be
safest for him
to spike it. If he should forget himself and think just once, the
By-law
provides that he shall be fired out-instantly-forever-no return.
"It shall be the duty of this Church immediately to call a meeting,
and drop
forever the name of this member from its records."
My, but it breathes a towering indignation!
There are forgivable offenses, but this is not one of them; there are
admonitions, probations, suspensions, in several minor cases; mercy is
shown the
derelict, in those cases he is gently used, and in time he can get
back into the
fold - even when he has repeated his offence. But let him think, just
once,
without getting his thinker set to Eddy time, and that is enough; his
head comes
off. There is no second offence, and there is no gate open to that
lost sheep,
ever again.
"This rule cannot be changed, amended, or annulled, except by
unanimous vote of
all the First Members."
The same being Mrs. Eddy. It is naively sly and pretty to see her keep
putting
forward First Members, and Boards of This and That, and other
broideries and
ruffles of her raiment, as if they were independent entities, instead
of a part
of her clothes, and could do things all by themselves when she was
outside of
them.
Mrs. Eddy did not need to copyright the sentence just quoted, its
English would
protect it. None but she would have shovelled that comically
superfluous "all"
in there.
The former Unpardonable Sin has gone out of service. We may frame the
new
Christian Science one thus:
"Whatsoever Member shall think, and without Our Mother's permission
act upon his
think, the same shall be cut off from the Church forever."
It has been said that I make many mistakes about Christian Science
through being
ignorant of the spiritual meanings of its terminology. I believe it is
true. I
have been misled all this time by that word Member, because there was
no one to
tell me that its spiritual meaning was Slave.
AXE AND BLOCK
There is a By-law which forbids Members to practice hypnotism; the
penalty is
excommunication.
1. If a member is found to be a mental practitioner-
2. Complaint is to be entered against him-
3. By the Pastor Emeritus, and by none else;
4. No member is allowed to make complaint to her in the matter;
5. Upon Mrs. Eddy's mere "complaint"- unbacked by evidence or proof,
and without
giving the accused a chance to be heard-" his name shall be dropped
from this
Church."
Mrs. Eddy has only to say a member is guilty -that is all. That ends
it. It is
not a case of he "may" be cut off from Christian Science salvation, it
is a case
of he "shall" be. Her serfs must see to it, and not say a word.
Does the other Pope possess this prodigious and irresponsible power?
Certainly
not in our day.
COPYRIGHT
I can understand why Mrs. Eddy copyrighted the early editions and
revisions of
Science and Health, and why she had a mania for copyrighting every
scrap of
every sort that came from her pen in those jejune days when to be in
print
probably seemed a wonderful distinction to her in her provincial
obscurity, but
why she should continue this delirium in these days of her godship and
her
far-spread fame, I cannot explain to myself. And particularly as
regards Science
and Health. She knows, now, that that Annex is going to live for many
centuries;
and so, what good is a fleeting forty-two-year copyright going to do
it?
Now a perpetual copyright would be quite another matter. I would like
to give
her a hint. Let her strike for a perpetual copyright on that book.
There is
precedent for it. There is one book in the world which bears the
charmed life of
perpetual copyright (a fact not known to twenty people in the world).
By a hardy
perversion of privilege on the part of the lawmaking power the Bible
has
perpetual copyright in Great Britain. There is no justification for it
in
fairness, and no explanation of it except that the Church is strong
enough there
to have its way, right or wrong. The recent Revised Version enjoys
perpetual
copyright, too-a stronger precedent, even, than the other one.
Now, then, what is the Annex but a Revised Version itself? Which of
course it
is-Lord's Prayer and all. With that pair of formidable British
precedents to
proceed upon, what Congress of ours-
But how short-sighted I am. Mrs. Eddy has thought of it long ago. She
thinks of
everything. She knows she has only to keep her copyright of 1902 alive
through
its first stage of twenty-eight years, and perpetuity is assured. A
Christian
Science Congress will reign in the Capitol then. She probably attaches
small
value to the first edition (I875). Although it was a Revelation from
on high, it
was slim, lank, incomplete, padded with bales of refuse rags, and
puffs from
lassoed celebrities to fill it out, an uncreditable book, a book
easily
sparable, a book not to be mentioned in the same year with the sleek,
fat,
concise, compact, compressed, and competent Annex of to-day, in its
dainty
flexible covers, gilt - edges, rounded corners, twin screw, spiral
twist,
compensation balance, Testament-counterfeit, and all that; a book just
born to
curl up on the hymn-book-shelf in church and look just too sweet and
holy for
anything. Yes, I see now what she was copyrighting that child for.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE PUBLISHING ASSOCIATION
It is true in matters of business Mrs. Eddy thinks of everything. She
thought of
an organ, to disseminate the Truth as it was in Mrs. Eddy. Straightway
she
started one-the Christian Science Journal.
It is true -in matters of business Mrs. Eddy thinks of everything. As
soon as
she had got the Christian Science Journal sufficiently in debt to make
its
presence on the premises disagreeable to her, it occurred to her to
make
somebody a present of it. Which she did, along with its debts. It was
in the
summer of 1889. The victim selected was her Church- called, in those
days, The
National Christian Scientist Association.
She delivered this sorrow to those lambs as a "gift" in consideration
of their
"loyalty to our great cause."
Also-still thinking of everything-she told them to retain Mr. Bailey
in the
editorship and make Mr. Nixon publisher. We do not know what it was
she had
against those men; neither do we know whether she scored on Bailey or
not, we
only know that God protected Nixon, and for that I am sincerely glad,
although I
do not know Nixon and have never even seen him.
Nixon took the Journal and the rest of the Publishing Society's
liabilities, and
demonstrated over them during three years, then brought in his report:
"On assuming my duties as publisher, there was not a dollar in the
treasury; but
on the contrary the Society owed unpaid printing and paper bills to
the amount
of several hundred dollars, not to mention a contingent liability of
many more
hundreds"-represented by advance-subscriptions paid for the Journal
and the
"Series," the which goods Mrs. Eddy had not delivered. And couldn't,
very well,
perhaps, on a Metaphysical College income of but a few thousand
dollars a day,
or a week, or whatever it was in those magnificently flourishing
times. The
struggling Journal had swallowed up those advance-payments, but its
"claim" was
a severe one and they had failed to cure it. But Nixon cured it in his
diligent
three years, and joyously reported the news that he had cleared off
all the
debts and now had a fat six thousand dollars in the bank.
It made Mrs. Eddy's mouth water.
At the time that Mrs. Eddy had unloaded that dismal gift on to her
National
Association, she had followed her inveterate custom: she had tied a
string to
its hind leg, and kept one end of it hitched to her belt. We have seen
her do
that in the case of the Boston Mosque. When she deeds property, she
puts in that
string-clause. It provides that under certain conditions she can pull
the string
and land the property in the cherished home of its happy youth. In the
present
case she believed that she had made provision that if at any time the
National
Christian Science Association should dissolve itself by a formal vote,
she could
pull.
A year after Nixon's handsome report, she writes the Association that
she has a
"unique request to lay before it." It has dissolved, and she is not
quite sure
that the Christian Science Journal has "already fallen into her hands"
by that
act, though it "seems" to her to have met with that accident; so she
would like
to have the matter decided by a formal vote. But whether there is a
doubt or
not, "I see the wisdom," she says, "of again owning this Christian
Science
waif."
I think that that is unassailable evidence that the waif was making
money, hands
down.
She pulled her gift in. A few years later she donated the Publishing
Society,
along with its real estate, its buildings, its plant, its
publications, and its
money-the whole worth twenty-two thousand dollars, and free of debt-to
-Well, to
the Mother-Church!
That is to say, to herself. There is an act count of it in the
Christian Science
Journal, and of how she had already made some other handsome gifts -to
her
Church-and others to -to her Cause besides "an almost countless number
of
private charities" of cloudy amount and otherwise indefinite. This
landslide of
generosities overwhelmed one of her literary domestics. While he was
in that
condition he tried to express what he felt:
"Let us endeavor to lift up our hearts in thankfulness to . . . our
Mother in
Israel for these evidences of generosity and self - sacrifice that
appeal to our
deepest sense of gratitude, even while surpassing our comprehension."
A year or two later, Mrs. Eddy promulgated some By-laws of a
self-sacrificing
sort which assuaged him, perhaps, and perhaps enabled his surpassed
comprehension to make a sprint and catch up. These are to be found in
Art. XII.,
entitled
THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE PUBLISHING SOCIETY
This Article puts the whole publishing business into the hands of a
publishing
Board- special. Mrs. Eddy appoints to its vacancies.
The profits go semi-annually to the Treasurer of the Mother-Church.
Mrs. Eddy
owns the Treasurer.
Editors and publishers of the Christian Science Journal cannot be
elected or
removed without Mrs. Eddy's knowledge and consent.
Every candidate for employment in a high capacity or a low one, on the
other
periodicals or in the publishing house, must first be "accepted by
Mrs. Eddy as
suitable." And "by the Board of Directors"-which is surplusage, since
Mrs. Eddy
owns the Board.
If at any time a weekly shall be started, "it shall be owned by The
First Church
of Christ, Scientist"-which is Mrs. Eddy.
CHAPTER VIII
I Think that any one who will carefully examine the By-laws (I have
placed all
of the important ones before the reader), will arrive at the
conclusion that of
late years the master-passion in Mrs. Eddy's heart is a hunger for
power and
glory; and that while her hunger for money still remains, she wants it
now for
the expansion and extension it can furnish to that power and glory,
rather than
what it can do for her towards satisfying minor and meaner ambitions.
I wish to enlarge a little upon this matter. I think it is quite clear
that the
reason why Mrs. Eddy has concentrated in herself all powers, all
distinctions,
all revenues that are within the command of the Christian Science
Church
Universal is that she desires and intends to devote them to the
purpose just
suggested-the upbuilding of her personal glory-hers, and no one
else's; that,
and the continuing of her name's glory after she shall have passed
away. If she
has overlooked a single power, howsoever minute, I cannot discover it.
If she
has found one, large or small, which she has not seized and made her
own, there
is no record of it, no trace of it. In her foragings and depredations
she
usually puts forward the Mother - Church-a lay figure-and hides behind
it.
Whereas, she is in manifest reality the Mother-Church herself. It has
an
impressive array of officials, and committees, and Boards of
Direction, of
Education, of Lectureship, and so on-geldings, every one, shadows,
spectres,
apparitions, wax-figures: she is supreme over them all, she can
abolish them
when she will; blow them out as she would a candle. She is herself the
Mother-Church. Now there is one By-law which says that the
Mother-Church
"shall be officially controlled by no other church."
That does not surprise us-we know by the rest of the By-laws that that
is a
quite irrelevant remark. Yet we do vaguely and hazily wonder why she
takes the
trouble to say it; why she wastes the words; what her object can be
-seeing that
that emergency has been in so many, many ways, and so effectively and
drasticadly barred off and made impossible. Then presently the object
begins to
dawn upon us. That is, it does after we have read the rest of the
By-law three
or four times, wondering and admiring to see Mrs. Eddy-Mrs. Eddy-Mrs.
Eddy, of
all persons-throwing away power!- making a fair exchange-doing a fair
thing for
once more, an almost generous thing! Then we look it through yet once
more
unsatisfied, a little suspicious-and find that it is nothing but a
sly, thin
make-believe, and that even the very title of it is a sarcasm and
embodies a
falsehood-"self" government:
"Local Self-Government. The First Church of Christ, Scientist, in
Boston,
Massachusetts, shall assume no official control of other churches of
this
denomination. It shall be officially controlled by no other church."
It has a most pious and deceptive give-and-take air of perfect
fairness,
unselfishness, magnanimity-almost godliness, indeed. But it is all
art.
In the By-laws, Mrs. Eddy, speaking by the mouth of her other self,
the
Mother-Church, proclaims that she will assume no official control of
other
churches-branch churches. We examine the other By-laws, and they
answer some
important questions for us:
1. What is a branch Church? It is a body of Christian Scientists,
organized in
the one and only permissible way-by a member, in good standing, of the
Mother-Church, and who is also a pupil of one of Mrs. Eddy's
accredited
students. That is to say, one of her properties. No other can do it.
There are
other indispensable requisites; what are they?
2. The new Church cannot enter upon its functions until its members
have
individually signed, and pledged allegiance to, a Creed furnished by
Mrs. Eddy.
3. They are obliged to study her books, and order their lives by them.
And they
must read no outside religious works.
4. They must sing the hymns and pray the prayers provided by her, and
use no
others in the services, except by her permission.
5. They cannot have preachers and pastors. Her law.
6. In their Church they must have two Readers-a man and a woman.
7. They must read the services framed and appointed by her.
8. She-not the branch Church -appoints those Readers.
9. She-not the branch Church-dismisses them and fills the vacancies.
1O. She can do this without consulting the branch Church, and without
explaining.
11. The branch Church can have a religious lecture from time to time.
By
applying to Mrs. Eddy. There is no other way.
12. But the branch Church cannot select the lecturer. Mrs. Eddy does
it.
13. The branch Church pays his fee.
14. The harnessing of all Christian Science wedding-teams, members of
the branch
Church, must be done by duly authorized and consecrated Christian
Science
functionaries. Her factory is the only one that makes and licenses
them.
[15. Nothing is said about christenings. It is inferable from this
that a
Christian Science child is born a Christian Scientist and requires no
tinkering.
[16. Nothing is said about funerals. It is inferable, then, that a
branch Church
is privileged to do in that matter as it may choose.]
To sum up. Are any important Church-functions absent from the list? I
cannot
call any to mind. Are there any lacking ones whose exercise could make
the
branch in any noticeable way independent of the Mother. Church? -even
in any
trifling degree? I think of none. If the named functions were
aboiished would
there still be a Church left? Would there be even a shadow of a Church
left?
Would there be anything at all left? even the bare name?
Manifestly not. There isn't a single vital and essential
Church-function of any
kind, that is not named in the list. And over every one of them the
Mother-Church has permanent and unchallengeable control, upon every
one of them
Mrs. Eddy has set her irremovable grip. She holds, in perpetuity,
autocratic and
indisputable sovereignty and control over every branch Church in the
earth; and
yet says, in that sugary, naive, angel-beguiling way of hers, that the
Mother-Church
"shall assume no official control of other churches of this
denomination."
Whereas in truth the unmeddled-with liberties of a branch Christian
Science
Church are but very, very few in number, and are these:
1. It can appoint its own furnace-stoker, winters.
2. It can appoint its own fan-distributors, summers.
3. It can, in accordance with its own choice in the matter, burn,
bury, or
preserve members who are pretending to be dead-whereas there is no
such thing as
death.
4. It can take up a collection.
The branch Churches have no important liberties, none that give them
an
important voice in their own affairs. Those are all locked up, and
Mrs. Eddy has
the key. "Local Self-Government " is a large name and sounds well; but
the
branch Churches have no more of it than have the privates in the King
of
Dahomey's army.
"MOTHER-CHURCH UNIQUE"
Mrs. Eddy, with an envious and admiring eye upon the solitary and
rivalless and
world-shadowing majesty of St. Peter's, reveals in her By-laws her
purpose to
set the Mother-Church apart by itself in a stately seclusion and make
it
duplicate that lone sublimity under the Western sky. The By-law headed
"Mother-Church Unique "says-
"In its relation to other Christian Science churches, the
Mother-Church stands
alone.
"It occupies a position that no other Church can fill.
"Then for a branch Church to assume such position would be disastrous
to
Christian Science,
"Therefore-"
Therefore no branch Church is allowed to have branches. There shall be
no
Christian Science St. Peter's in the earth but just one -the
Mother-Church in
Boston.
"NO FIRST MEMBERS"
But for the thoughtful By-law thus entitled, every Science branch in
the earth
would imitate the Mother-Church and set up an aristocracy. Every
little group of
ground-floor Smiths and Furgusons and Shadwells and Simpsons that
organized a
branch would assume that great title, of "First Members," along with
its vast
privileges of "discussing" the weather and casting blank ballots, and
soon there
would be such a locust-plague of them burdening the globe that the
title would
lose its value and have to be abolished.
But where business and glory are concerned, Mrs. Eddy thinks of
everything, and
so she did not fail to take care of her Aborigines, her stately and
exclusive
One Hundred, her college of functionless cardinals, her Sanhedrin of
Privileged
Talkers (Limited). After taking away all the liberties of the branch
Churches,
and in the same breath disclaiming all official control over their
affairs, she
smites them on the mouth with this-the very mouth that was watering
for those
nobby ground-floor honors-
"No First Members. Branch Churches shall not organize with First
Members, that
special method of organization being adapted to the Mother-Church
alone."
And so, first members being prohibited, we pierce through the cloud of
Mrs.
Eddy's English and perceive that they must then necessarily organize
with
Subsequent Members. There is no other way. It will occur to them
by-and-by to
found an aristocracy of Early Subsequent Members. There is no By-law
against it.
"THE"
I uncover to that imperial word. And to the mind, too, that conceived
the idea
of seizing and monopolizing it as a title. I believe it is Mrs. Eddy's
dazzlingest invention. For show, and style, and grandeur, and thunder
and
lightning and fireworks it outclasses all the previous inventions of
man, and
raises the limit on the Pope. He can never put his avid hand on that
word of
words-it is pre-empted. And copyrighted, of course. It lifts the
Mother-Church
away up in the sky, and fellowships it with the rare and select and
exclusive
little company of the THE's of deathless glory-persons and things
whereof
history and the ages could furnish only single examples, not two: the
Saviour,
the Virgin, the Milky Way, the Bible, the Earth, the Equator, the
Devil, the
Missing Link -and now The First Church, Scientist. And by clamor of
edict and
By-law Mrs. Eddy gives personal notice to all branch Scientist
Churches on this
planet to leave that THE alone.
She has demonstrated over it and made it sacred to the Mother-Church:
"The article 'The' must not be used before the titles of branch
Churches-
"Nor written on applications for membership in naming such churches."
Those are the terms. There can and will be a million First Churches of
Christ,
Scientist, scattered over the world, in a million towns and villages
and hamlets
and cities, and each may call itself (suppressing the article), "First
Church of
Christ. Scientist"- it is permissible, and no harm; but there is only
one The
Church of Christ, Scientist, and there will never be another. And
whether that
great word fall in the middle of a sentence or at the beginning of it,
it must
always have its capital T.
I do not suppose that a juvenile passion for fussy little worldly
shows and
vanities can furnish a match to this, anywhere in the history of the
nursery.
Mrs. Eddy does seem to be a shade fonder of little special
distinctions and
pomps than is usual with human beings.
She instituted that immodest "The" with her own hand; she did not wait
for
somebody else to think of it.
A LIFE-TERM MONOPOLY
There is but one human Pastor in the whole Christian Science world;
she reserves
that exalted place to herself.
A PERPETUAL ONE
There is but one other object in the whole Christian Science world
honored with
that title and holding that office: it is her book, the Annex
-permanent Pastor
of The First Church, and of all branch Churches.
With her own hand she draughted the By-laws which make her the only
really
absolute sovereign that lives to-day in Christendom.
She does not allow any objectionable pictures to be exhibited in the
room where
her book is sold, nor any indulgence in idle gossip there; and from
the general
look of that By-law I judge that a lightsome and improper person can
be as
uncomfortable in that place as he could be in heaven.
THE SANCTUM SANCTORUM AND SACRED CHAIR
In a room in The First Church of Christ, Scientist, there is a museum
of objects
which have attained to holiness through contact with Mrs. Eddy -among
them an
electrically lighted oil-picture of a chair which she used to sit in-
and
disciples from all about the world go softly in there, in restricted
groups,
under proper guard, and reverently gaze upon those relics. It is
worship. Mrs.
Eddy could stop it if she was not fond of it, for her sovereignty over
that
temple is supreme.
The fitting-up of that place as a shrine is not an accident, nor a
casual,
unweighed idea; it is imitated from age-old religious custom. In
Treves the
pilgrim reverently gazes upon the Seamless Robe, and humbly worships;
and does
the same in that other continental church where they keep a duplicate;
and does
likewise in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, in Jerusalem, where
memorials of
the Crucifixion are preserved; and now, by good fortune we have our
Holy Chair
and things, and a market for our adorations nearer home.
But is there not a detail that is new, fresh, original? Yes, whatever
old thing
Mrs. Eddy touches gets something new by the contact- something not
thought of
before by any one -something original, all her own, and copyrightable.
The new
feature is self worship-exhibited in permitting this shrine to be
installed
during her lifetime, and winking her sacred eye at it.
A prominent Christian Scientist has assured me that the Scientists do
not
worship Mrs. Eddy, and I think it likely that there may be five or six
of the
cult in the world who do not worship her, but she herself is certainly
not of
that company. Any healthy-minded person who will examine Mrs. Eddy's
little
Autobiography and the Manual of By-laws written by her will be
convinced that
she worships herself; and that she brings to this service a fervor of
devotion
surpassing even that which she formerly laid at the feet of the
Dollar, and
equalling any which rises to the Throne of Grace from any quarter.
I think this is as good a place as any to salve a hurt which I was the
means of
inflicting upon a Christian Scientist lately. The first third of this
book was
written in 1899 in Vienna. Until last summer I had supposed that that
third had
been printed in a book which I published about a year later-a hap
which had not
happened. I then sent the chapters composing it to the North American
Review,
but failed. in one instance, to date them. And so, In an undated
chapter I said
a lady told me "last night" so and so. There was nothing to indicate
to the
reader that that "last night" was several years old, therefore the
phrase seemed
to refer to a night of very recent date. What the lady had told me
was, that in
a part of the Mother-Church in Boston she had seen Scientists
worshipping a
portrait of Mrs. Eddy before which a light was kept constantly
burning.
A Scientist came to me and wished me to retract that "untruth." He
said there
was no such portrait, and that if I wanted to be sure of it I could go
to Boston
and see for myself. I explained that my "last night" meant a good
while ago;
that I did not doubt his assertion that there was no such portrait
there now,
but that I should continue to believe it had been there at the time of
the
lady's visit until she should retract her statement herself. I was at
no time
vouching for the truth of the remark, nevertheless I considered it
worth par.
And yet I am sorry the lady told me, since a wound which brings me no
happiness
has resulted. I am most willing to apply such salve as I can. The best
way to
set the matter right and make everything pleasant and agreeable all
around will
be to print in this place a description of the shrine as it appeared
to a recent
visitor, Mr. Frederick W. Peabody, of Boston. I will copy his
newspaper account,
and the reader will see that Mrs. Eddy's portrait is not there now:
"We lately stood on the threshold of the Holy of Holies of the
Mother-Church,
and with a crowd of worshippers patiently waited for admittance to the
hallowed
precincts of the 'Mother's Room.' Over the doorway was a sign
informing us that
but four persons at a time would be admitted; that they would be
permitted to
remain but five minutes only, and would please retire from the
'Mother's Room'
at the ringing of the bell. Entering with three of the faithful, we
looked with
profane eyes upon the consecrated furnishings. A show-woman in
attendance
monotonously announced the character of the different appointments.
Set in a
recess of the wall and illumined with electric light was an
oil-painting the
show-woman seriously declared to be a lifelike and realistic picture
of the
Chair in which the Mother sat when she composed her 'inspired' work.
It was a
picture of an old-fashioned? country, hair cloth rocking-chair, and an
exceedingly commonplace-looking table with a pile of manuscript, an
ink-bottle,
and pen conspicuously upon it. On the floor were sheets of manuscript.
'The
mantel-piece is of pure onyx,' continued the show-woman, 'and the
beehive upon
the window-sill is made from one solid block of onyx; the rug is made
of a
hundred breasts of eider-down ducks, and the toilet-room you see in
the corner
is of the latest design, with gold-plated drain-pipes; the painted
windows are
from the Mother's poem, "Christ and Christmas," and that case contains
complete
copies of all the Mother's books.' The chairs upon which the sacred
person of
the Mother had reposed were protected from sacrilegious touch by a
broad band of
satin ribbon. My companions expressed their admiration in subdued and
reverent
tones, and at the tinkling of the bell we reverently tiptoed out of
the room to
admit another delegation of the patient waiters at the door."
undefined
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Find Old Friends
Christian Science
With Notes Containing
Corrections to Date
by Mark Twain
(Continued)
Now, then, I hope the wound is healed. I am willing to relinquish the
portrait,
and compromise on the Chair. At the same time, if I were going to
worship
either, I should not choose the Chair.
As a picturesquely and persistently interesting personage, there is no
mate to
Mrs. Eddy, the accepted Equal of the Saviour. But some of her tastes
are so
different from His! I find it quite impossible to imagine Him, in
life, standing
sponsor for that museum there, and taking pleasure in its sumptuous
shows. I
believe He would put that Chair in the fire, and the bell along with
it; and I
think He would make the show-woman go away. I think He would break
those
electric bulbs, and the "mantel-piece of pure onyx," and say
reproachful things
about the golden drain-pipes of the lavatory, and give the costly rug
of
duck-breasts to the poor, and sever the satin ribbon and invite the
weary to
rest and ease their aches in the consecrated chairs. What He would do
with the
painted windows we can better conjecture when we come presently to
examine their
peculiarities.
THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE PASTOR-UNIVERSAL
When Mrs. Eddy turned the pastors out of all the Christian Science
churches and
abolished the office for all time as far as human occupancy is
concerned-she
appointed the Holy Ghost to fill their place. If this language be
blasphemous, I
did not invent the blasphemy, I am merely stating a fact. I will quote
from page
227 of Science and Health (edition 1899), as a first step towards an
explanation
of this startling matter-a passage which sets forth and classifies the
Christian
Science Trinity:
"Life, Truth, and Love constitute the triune God, or triply divine
Principle.
They represent a trinity in unity, three in one -the same in essence,
though
multiform in office: God the Father; Christ the type of Sonship;
Divine Science,
or the Holy Comforter. . .
"The Holy Ghost, or Spirit, reveals this triune Principle, and (the
Holy Ghost)
is expressed in Divine Science, which is the Comforter, leading into
all Truth,
and revealing the divine Principle of the universe-universal and
perpetual
harmony."
I will cite another passage. Speaking of Jesus-
"His students then received the Holy Ghost. By this is meant, that by
all they
had witnessed and suffered they were roused to an enlarged
understanding of
Divine Science, even to the spiritual interpretation . . . of His
teachings,"
etc.
Also, page 579, in the chapter called the Glossary:
"HOLY GHOST. Divine Science; the developments of Life, Truth, and
Love."
The Holy Ghost reveals the massed spirit of the fused trinity; this
massed
spirit is expressed in Divine Science, and is the Comforter; Divine
Science
conveys to men the "spiritual interpretation" of the Saviour's
teachings. That
seems to be the meaning of the quoted passages.
Divine Science is Christian Science; the book Science and Health is a
"revelation" of the whole spirit of the Trinity, and is therefore "The
Holy
Ghost"; it conveys to men the "spiritual interpretation" of the
Bible's
teachings. and therefore is "the Comforter."
I do not find this analyzing work easy, I would rather saw wood; and a
person
can never tell whether he has added up a Science and Health sum right
or not,
anyway, after all his trouble. Neither can he easily find out whether
the texts
are still on the market or have been discarded from the Book; for two
hundred
and fifty-eight editions of it have been issued, and no two editions
seem to be
alike. The annual changes-in technical terminology; in matter and
wording; in
transpositions of chapters and verses; in leaving out old chapters and
verses
and putting in new ones-seem to be next to innumerable, and as there
is no
index, there is no way to find a thing one wants without reading the
book
through. If ever I inspire a Bible-Annex I will not rush at it in a
half-digested, helter-skelter way and have to put in thirty-eight
years trying
to get some of it the way I want it, I will sit down and think it out
and know
what it is I want to say before I begin. An inspirer cannot inspire
for Mrs.
Eddy and keep his reputation. I have never seen such slipshod work,
bar the ten
that interpreted for the home market the "sell all thou hast." I have
quoted one
"spiritual" rendering of the Lord's Prayer, I have seen one other one,
and am
told there are five more. Yet the inspirer of Mrs. Eddy the new
Infallible casts
a complacent critical stone at the other Infallible for being unable
to make up
its mind about such things. Science and Health, edition 1899, page 33:
"The decisions, by vote of Church Councils, as to what should and
should not be
considered Holy Writ, the manifest mistakes in the ancient versions:
the thirty
thousand different readings in the Old Testament and the three hundred
thousand
in the New-these facts show how a mortal and material sense stole into
the
divine record, darkening, to some extent, the inspired pages with its
own hue."
To some extent, yes-speaking cautiously. But it is nothing, really
nothing; Mrs.
Eddy is only a little way behind, and if her inspirer lives to get her
Annex to
suit him that Catholic record will have to "go 'way back and set
down," as the
ballad says. Listen to the boastful song of Mrs. Eddy's organ, the
Christian
Science Journal for March, 1902, about that year's revamping and
half-soling of
Science and Health, whose official name is the Holy Ghost, the
Comforter, and
who is now the Official Pastor and Infallible and Unerring Guide of
every
Christian Science church in the two hemispheres, hear Simple Simon
that met the
pieman brag of the Infallible's fallibility:
"Throughout the entire book the verbal changes are so numerous as to
indicate
the vast amount of time and labor Mrs. Eddy has devoted to this
revision. The
time and labor thus bestowed is relatively as great as that of -the
committee
who revised the Bible.... Thus we have additional evidence of the
herculean
efforts our beloved Leader has made and is constantly making for the
promulgation of Truth and the furtherance of her divinely bestowed
mission,"
etc.
It is a steady job. I could help inspire if desired; I am not doing
much now,
and would work for half-price, and should not object to the country.
PRICE OF THE PASTOR-UNIVERSAL
The price of the Pastor-Universal, Science and Health, called in
Science
literature the Comforter-and by that other sacred Name -is three
dollars in
cloth, as heretofore, six when it is finely bound, and shaped to
imitate the
Testament, and is broken into verses. Margin of profit above cost of
manufacture, from five hundred to seven hundred per cent., as already
noted In
the profane subscription-trade, it costs the publisher heavily to
canvass a
three-dollar book; he must pay the general agent sixty per cent.
commission-that
is to say, one dollar and eighty-cents. Mrs. Eddy escapes this
blistering tax,
because she owns the Christian Science canvasser, and can compel him
to work for
nothing. Read the following command-not request -fulminated by Mrs.
Eddy, over
her signature, in the Christian Science Journal for March, 1897, and
quoted by
Mr. Peabody in his book. The book referred to is Science and Health:
"It shall be the duty of all Christian Scientists to circulate and to
sell as
many of these books as they can."
That is flung at all the elect, everywhere that the sun shines, but no
penalty
is shaken over their heads to scare them. The same command was issued
to the
members (numbering to - day twenty-five thousand) of The
Mother-Church, also,
but with it went a threat, of the infliction, in case of disobedience,
of the
most dreaded punishment that has a place in the Church's list of
penalties for
transgressions of Mrs. Eddy's edicts-excommunication:
"If a member of The First Church of Christ, Scientist, shall fail to
obey this
injunction, it will render him liable to lose his membership in this
Church.
MARY BAKER EDDY."
It is the spirit of the Spanish Inquisition.
None but accepted and well established gods can venture an affront
like that and
do it with confidence. But the human race will take anything from that
class.
Mrs. Eddy knows the human race; knows it better than any mere human
being has
known it in a thousand centuries. My confidence in her human-beingship
is
getting shaken, my confidence in her godship is stiffening.
SEVEN HUNDRED PER CENT.
A Scientist out West has visited a bookseller-with intent to find
fault with
me-and has brought away the information that the price at which Mrs.
Eddy sells
Science and Health is not an unusually high one for the size and make
of the
book. That is true. But in the book-trade-that profit-devourer unknown
to Mrs.
Eddy's book-a three-dollar book that is made for thirty-five or forty
cents in
large editions is put at three dollars because the publisher has to
pay author,
middleman, and advertising, and if the price were much below three the
profit
accruing would not pay him fairly for his time and labor. At the same
time, if
he could get ten dollars for the book he would take it, and his morals
would not
fall under criticism.
But if he were an inspired person commissioned by the Deity to receive
and print
and spread broadcast among sorrowing and suffering and poor men a
precious
message of healing and cheer and salvation, he would have to do as
Bible
Societies do-sell the book at a pinched margin above cost to such as
could pay,
and give it free to all that couldn't; and his name would be praised.
But if he
sold it at seven hundred per cent. profit and put the money in his
pocket, his
name would be mocked and derided. Just as Mrs. Eddy's is. And most
justifiably,
as it seems to me.
The complete Bible contains one million words. The New Testament by
itself
contains two hundred and forty thousand words.
My '84 edition of Science and Health contains one hundred and twenty
thousand
words -just half as many as the New Testament.
Science and Health has since been so inflated by later inspirations
that the
1902 edition contains one hundred and eighty thousand words- not
counting the
thirty thousand at the back, devoted by Mrs. Eddy to advertising the
book's
healing abilities-and the inspiring continues right along.
If you have a book whose market is so sure and so great that you can
give a
printer an everlasting order for thirty or forty or fifty thousand
copies a year
he will furnish them at a cheap rate, because whenever there is a
slack time in
his press-room and bindery he can fill the idle intervals on your book
and be
making something instead of losing. That is the kind of contract that
can be let
on Science and Health every year. I am obliged to doubt that the
three-dollar
Science and Health costs Mrs. Eddy above fifteen cents, or that the
six dollar
copy costs her above eighty cents. I feel quite sure that the average
profit to
her on these books, above cost of manufacture, is all of seven hundred
per cent.
Every proper Christian Scientist has to buy and own (and canvass for)
Science
and Health (one hundred and eighty thousand words), and he must also
own a Bible
(one million words). He can buy the one for from three to six dollars,
and the
other for fifteen cents. Or, if three dollars is all the money he has,
he can
get his Bible for nothing. When the Supreme Being disseminates a
saving Message
through uninspired agents-the New Testament, for instance -it can be
done for
five cents a copy, but when He sends one containing only two-thirds as
many
words through the shop of a Divine Personage, it costs sixty times as
much. I
think that in matters of such importance it is bad economy to employ a
wild-cat
agency.
Here are some figures which are perfectly authentic, and which seem to
justify
my opinion.
"These [Bible] societies, inspired only by a sense of religious duty,
are
issuing the Bible at a price so small that they have made it the
cheapest book
printed. For example, the American Bible Society offers an edition of
the whole
Bible as low as fifteen cents and the New Testament at five cents, and
the
British Society at sixpence and one penny, respectively. These low
prices, made
possible by their policy of selling the books at cost or below cost,"
etc.-New
York Sun, February 25, 1903.
CHAPTER IX
We may now make a final footing-up of Mrs. Eddy, and see what she is,
in the
fulness of her powers. She is
The Massachusetts Metaphysical College
Pastor Emeritus;
President;
Board of Directors;
Board of Education;
Board of Lectureships;
Future Board of Trustees,
Proprietor of the Publishing - House and Periodicals;
Treasurer;
Clerk; Proprietor of the Teachers;
Proprietor of the Lecturers;
Proprietor of the Missionaries;
Proprietor of the Readers;
Dictator of the Services; sole Voice of the Pulpit;
Proprietor of the Sanhedrin;
Sole Proprietor of the Creed. (Copyrighted.);
Indisputable Autocrat of the Branch Churches, with their life and
death in her
hands;
Sole Thinker for The First Church (and the others);
Sole and Infallible Expounder of Doctrine, in life and in death;
Sole permissible Discoverer, Denouncer, Judge, and Executioner of
Ostensible
Hypnotists;
Fifty-handed God of Excommunication- with a thunderbolt in every hand;
Appointer and Installer of the Pastor of all the Churches-the
Perpetual
Pastor-Universal, Science and Health, "the Comforter."
©1998 Gipson Arnold, All Rights Reserved.
"Hey, we all feel bad that when you were 12 your scoutmaster rubbed
your butt at the overnight jamboree, but dude, you're almost 30. It's
time to climb down off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and
get over it!"
-Chris Titus Wisdom
*********
Goony, You're Useless!! - a cultie