Humor from the Net
Bill McCray
were busy while I was gone.]
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07/19/02, part 1
IN THE NEWS:
For the first time in five years, street crime is up. Just on
one street, though - Wall Street! (Jay Leno)
A Utah man has been on trial for having 5 wives. The prosecutor
in the case originally had sought the most severe punishment.
House arrest. (Alan Ray)
There should be a decision today over what is to become of the
body of Ted Williams. Whether his son gets to have the body
frozen and put on display or there is no settlement today, what
will the newspaper headlines say? Remains to be seen. (Karen
Hamilton)
Who is that cocky little bird that appears to have made large
flocks of money telling the vultures how to steal money from
California via supplying energy? Ross Parrot, of course. (Alan
B. Combs)
____
What type of cheese is the most appropriate to feed a dog of
mixed parentage?
Muttzarella. (Gary Hallock)
What two-wheeled vehicle was used by the one-eyed monster to
transport him around his island?
A Bicyclops. (Tiff Wimberly)
What are the motorized carts used to transport patients from the
labor room to the delivery room called?
Gestation Wagons. (Stan Kegel)
What is the difference between what can bring about an arrest for
forgery and what tabloid editor does for a living?
Writing bad checks and checking bad writing. (Ken Pinkham)
My grandfather always had a bottle of bourbon in the glove
compartment of his Model T. He always claimed that in heavy
traffic, a swig of whiskey prevented accidents. He was one of
the first to advocate ... what?
Safety belts. (Stan Kegel)
What state was named for polite criminals?
Con-etiquette. (Scott Ryan)
What is the difference between fast teaching and a groomed pony?
One is a hurried course, and the other a curried horse.
(Jim Ertner)
What happened to the shepherd when he drove his sheep through a
town?
He got a ticket for making a ewe turn. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why doesn't Sweden export cattle?
Because it wants to keep its Stockholm. (Jim Ertner)
What movie star's teeth were the worst decayed?
Caries Grant. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What mathematical formula describes the area formed by four
squid-like creatures and their partners as they join tentacles in
a barn dance?
Octopi are squared. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a
dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering about the meaning
of dog. (Jim Ertner)
What did the cat say as she rescued her daughter from a violin
factory?
I didn't raise my daughter to be fiddled with.
(Lederer & Ertner)
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens and all were born wearing sweaters. That's
some yarn and you're no knit-wit.
What is the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
Fill his water bed with gasoline. (Paul Croft)
Sickle Cell Disease: Addiction to farm equipment auctions.
(Stan Kegel)
Stud Finder: A device for finding gigolos. (Tim Breuning)
Maritime: June for many couples. (Bree Schultz)
Arch Criminal: One who robs MacDonald's. (Jerlyn F.)
Prostate: 10th Amendment advocate. (Stan Kegel)
Bulbous: Transport for male cattle. (OIan Barker)
Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler. (Bree Schultz)
Sterile Solution: A vasectomy or tubal ligation. (Stan Kegel)
Canopy: The state of being unable to urinate. (David Elsensohn)
Prime Rib: What God used to make Eve. (fmhlaw)
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves. (Jim & Angie Bolman)
Tolerance: The result of giving Growth Hormone to insects.
(Stan Kegel)
Berate: Grading honey producers. (Paul Pence)
Gator-Aide: Welfare for crocodiles. (Bree Schultz)
Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag. (Bree Schultz)
Toiletry: A hard working tree. (Mike Wheeler)
Matricide: Arguing about who gets which side of the bed. (Nemo)
Triage: Counting the rings on a tree trunk. (Stan Kegel)
Forest: in favor of holidays from work. (fmhlaw)
Bill McCray
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending July 19, 2002, part 2
"I like those cookie things Girl Scouts make at campouts," said
Tom wanting s'more. (Harry Farkas)
"The number of people not attending class today really bothers
me," said the professor absent-mindedly. (Gill Krebs)
"I just lit the firecracker," said Pop loudly. (John Fuller)
"My boss told me that if I take any more days off because of
illness, he won't be paying me for them," Tom said
lackadaisically. (Glenn Gardner)
"My compliments to the company that makes the Macintosh
computer," said Tom applaudingly. (Gill Krebs)
"A man's home is his castle," Homer said in a manor of speaking.
(Stan Kegel)
"I can only wear European clothes," Tom said, importantly.
(PANews)
"You! You've eaten the forbidden fruit!" Tom insinuated. (Phil
Hudson)
"You must render the sauce to half the original volume," Tom said
with great concentration. (Stan Kegel)
"I will not splurge on a circuit-breaker," Tom refused. (Gill
Krebs)
"Stand between the two girls for the photograph," Tom interposed.
(Stan Kegel)
"And this is a toilet seat," Tom went on. (Gill Krebs)
As after the fall
The sly snake consoled Adam
"You can't venom all!" (John S. Crosby)
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played;
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when one day he passed away
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived
They claimed he never died! (Faye)
Women who say sighs
Matters not, still will leave a
Known prawn untended. (Gary Hallock)
An astronaut gets to take a turn as a whirled traveler. (Pun of
the Day encore)
Training the mongrel turned out to be his pet project. (Jumble)
When he offered her the ring, she reacted with an engaging smile.
(Jumble)
How can you compare the United States' transportation system to a
trained daffodil? America is clearly a car nation. (The Big
Pun)
He was facinated by his new welding job. It was riveting. (Pun
of the Day)
The police can do a search if it's warranted. (Pun of the Day
encore)
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as
a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a
judge by his cover! (Pun of the Day encore)
What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change operation? A
transsister. (Very Punny)
He got measles in jail when he broke out one night. (Pun of the
Day)
Britain is a wet place since the queen has had a long reign.
(Pun of the Day encore)
The artist enjoyed the poker game because he drew well. (Jumble)
Those who sell topsoil have definitely hit pay dirt. (Pun of the
Day)
Every so often railroad conductors have to go for re-training.
(Pun of the Day encore)
Before the big exam, the medical students "boned" up. (Jumble)
One horse said to another, "Your pace is familiar but I don't
remember the mane." (Pun of the Day)
After a while, their daily stroll along the ocean became a
"bored" walk. (Jumble)
After hearing the case of the woman who folded her clothes wrong,
the jury had no choice but to hanger. (The Big Pun)
Before you can ring a bell, you hafta peel it. (The Family
Circus: Bill Keane)
Cannibals won't eat divorced women, because they're very bitter.
(Bree Schultz)
Blessed are the unemployed jesters, for they shalt be nobody's
fool. (Keith Todd)
Nudists suffer from clothes-trophobia. (Henny Youngman)
He comes from a family with a turn for music. They were organ
grinders. (Louis A. Safian)
If James Bond was an Amish spy, he would drink buttermilk.
Shaken not churned. (Funny Mail)
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. (Renee in Napa)
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion. (Firesong Funnies)
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf. (Marina)
Join the I.R.S. -- Be Audit You Can Be. (Bree Schultz)
Bill McCray
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending July 19, 2002, part 3
Song Title: "I Lost My Honey Bunny on a Bad Hare Day". (1 Bad
Day)
Do right and fear no man; don't write and fear no woman. (Louis
A. Safian)
When two nudists fight, they are barely talking. (Henny
Youngman)
Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot
water. (Bree Schultz)
Song Title: "Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy". (1
Bad Day)
I took my girl to a nudist camp, and nothing looked good on her.
(Henny Youngman)
They can only make hay at night because they lackadaysickle.
(Mike Wheeler)
Pandemonium did not reign, It poured. (John Kendrick Bangs)
They call him "Sailor". He likes a little port in every girl.
(Louis A. Safian.)
Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napolean could smell defeat.
(MeMail)
My nudist girl friend and I split up. We were seeing too much of
each other. (Henny Youngman)
He's always on the lookout for the unbelievable, a passionate
girl who is unconceivable. (Louis A. Safian)
A lady never crumples her bread or rolls in her soup. (Marina)
To join our nudist colony, just leave your name and dress.
(Henny Youngman)
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
(Samuel Goldwyn)
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim,
and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat. (Biker
Lynn)
A murderer had heartburn because of something the assassinate.
(Bree Schultz)
I had a friend named Jane Doe, whose sister Susan married a guy
named Joe Nimms. She became Sue Doe-Nimms. (Doug Russell)
Only women understand that a salad, a diet drink, and a hot fudge
sundae make a balanced lunch. (Joke of the Day)
Blessed are they who avoid their in-laws, for they shalt not be
relatively annoyed. (Keith Todd)
While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the
various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a
strain running from place to place, the religious groups got
together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get
Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating
basis. It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan. (Paul
Croft)
One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake
fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad
tasting," he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting
the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little
more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say
anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the
brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today."
And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and
told his friend that brake fluid is really great stuff. His
friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is
poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that."
"Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time." (Bree
Schultz)
Jill called her friend Linda and asked "Do ya wanna go to the
mall with me?"
Linda asked "Why?"
Jill replied, "I need to study cosmetics."
Linda asked "Why?"
Jill replied "Well, my English teacher says I have a make-up exam
on Monday." (Bree Schultz)
An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her
car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put
out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas,
so she flicked it away. A spark landed on her hand and the gas
nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt
to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down. A Police
officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at
the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the
officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a
firearm." (Jokes Galore)
My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a
reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local
fast-food restaurant. I agreed. A few days later she called and
told me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When
I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in
for an interview, and she told me to bring my references." (Gail
S. Angel)
An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling
out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you
favor the overthrow of the United States government by force,
subversion, or violence?" Thinking it was a multiple-choice
question, he checked "violence." (Clean Laffs)
I watched as she climbed out of the limo. She was gorgeous, but
she was wearing a dress that looked like someone had draped a
tablecloth around her. I wondered to myself, "How can something
so right be sarong." (Harry Farkas)
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady
answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I, sir, am the party he belongs to."
(Gail S. Angel)
Bill McCray
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending July 19, 2002, part 5
What's black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed skunk! (Daily Groaner)
Did you hear about the adhesive tape company that got into a
sticky situation? (Gail S. Angel)
Blessed are the orchard growers, for their work shall not be
fruitless. (Keith Todd)
What was on the licence plate of the pickup truck of the sheep
farmer?
Ewe Haul. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why didn't the squirrel cross the telephone wire?
Because the line was busy. (Julia, 10)
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? (Daily Groaner)
What do they call a long line of people waiting to buy Barbie
dolls?
A Barbie queue. (Kyle, 10)
What does an elf do after school?
Gnome work. (Michael Johnstone)
Once upon a time, Germany was divided into East and West. How
would you split up Poland?
With a War saw. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do you call a veterinarian with a sore throat?
A hoarse doctor. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a seagull that lives in San Francisco?
A bagel. (Mia, 12)
There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet, ten inches
tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids.
What does he weigh?
Meat. (Lorraine A. Bellis)
What part of the fish weighs the most?
The scales. (Christine, 11)
What food does a cow in love crave?
A bull only sandwich. (Peter Bergt)
Why was Moses the wickedest man in the Bible?
Because he broke all the 10 Commandments at once. (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
What is the difference between a unicorn and a large head of
lettuce?
One is a funny beast and the other a bunny feast.
(Michael Johnstone)
A family of tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the
little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big brother
tomato walked back to the baby tomato, stomped on her, squashing
her into a red paste, and said, "Ketchup!" (Pastor Tim)
When does a horse eat best?
When it doesn't have a bit in its mouth. (Jim Ertner)
What is a vampire's favorite breed of dog?
A bloodhound. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me. (Roseanna, 10)
Why did the man put the clock under his desk?
Because he had to work overtime. (Pete, 11)
After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get
back from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness. (Daily Groaner)
What is the favorite food of a karate expert?
Chops. (Michael Johnstone)
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone.
I said, "The whole time!" (Carole)
Georgie Porgie puddin' pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, cause he was gay! (Sun Amy)
A vasectomy is never having to say you're sorry. (Richard
Lederer)
A photographer interviewed girls for a Playboy magazine spread
and found some of the girls were unsuited for the job. (Harvey
C. Gordon)
A woman had a breast-enhancement operation and was delighted with
the results. She sent her doctor a card that said, "Thanks for
the mammaries. (Harvey C. Gordon)
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. (Political
Jokes)
My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex
lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an
earache." (Paul Croft)
BLOOPERS:
"Marijuana Issue Sent To Joint Committee" (Toronto Star)
Ad: "Kinney Shoe Stores. We sell only the right shoe."
(Richard Lederer)
Newscaster: "Accident on freeway involves 4 cars, hospitalizes
one. (Kermit Schafer)
Ad: "Use our medicine and you can kiss your hemorrhoids goodbye."
(Richard Lederer)
"Chicago Checking On Elderly In Heat" (Boston Globe)
On a California TV station: "Winners in the local art show will
be hung in the art museum for a month following the show."
(MeMail)
Ad: "Admission Free All Day. Half Price After 6:30 PM" (Orange
County Register 7/17/02)
"Wives Kill Most Spouses In Chicago" (Florida Times Union)
"It is important for pollution inspectors to personally pass
drinking water." (David Frost)
Want Ad: Piano Would suit beginner with chipped legs. (Marina)
Bill McCray
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry
son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $898."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Bill McCray
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
Original, thought-provoking humor
You are receiving this free weekly humor column because you
subscribed to it or a kind soul forwarded it to you.
THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:
"DON'T BAIL OUT OF MARRIAGE TOO SOON"
http://www.melvindurai.com/divorce2.htm
Feel like getting a divorce? Forget about it. A new study shows
that splitting up won't necessarily make you happier, that you
have a better chance of being happy if you stay with your lousy,
good-for-nothing spouse.
Hey, people change. Situations change. Even body odors change.
(Today he smells like sour milk; tomorrow he may smell like fine
cheese.)
So tear up that divorce petition. Get rid of that divorce
lawyer. And send your spouse a box of candy and a note: "Did I
say I want a divorce? I meant to say I want a device! Yes, a
new remote control. This is all a big misunderstanding, honey.
It's my fault, really. I need to work on my pronunciations."
The study, conducted primarily at the University of Chicago,
identified 645 unhappy spouses in a national database. After
five years, 167 were divorced or separated, with about half of
them happy. (The ones who got custody of the Lexus.)
Of the 478 who stayed married, two-thirds were happy. What does
all this mean? It's simple: Living with a pain-in-the-neck is
better than trying to chop it off.
Anything can happen in five years to improve a marriage: more
communication, more commitment, more Viagra.
Of course, in some marriages, five years may seem an eternity.
Just ask the former wives of Mike Tyson if they'd give him five
years. "Five years? Sure, we'd give him five years -- in the
slammer! Certainly not with us. As the divorce court judge
said, we're done serving our time."
For these women and others, living in matrimony was never as
joyful as living on alimony.
But even the worst marriages can be saved, as the study clearly
shows. Of the unhappiest spouses who stuck it out, a staggering
80% were happy five years later, perhaps because they all
received free marriage counseling -- almost every day on Oprah.
Interviews of the once-unhappy spouses revealed three routes to
happiness:
---Marital endurance: As time went by, sources of conflict
eased. Household incomes grew, gifts of jewelry arrived, and
the nightly headaches disappeared. "Not tonight, honey" turned
into "Not just tonight, honey."
---Marital work: Spouses worked hard to save their marriages.
Their winning strategies included changing their behavior,
improving communication skills, and finding time to wear
deodorant.
---Personal change: Spouses discovered ways to be happy despite
a mediocre marriage. Some focused on their jobs, others focused
on their children, and a few focused on Antonio Banderas.
Middle-aged woman: "My husband doesn't find me attractive
anymore, but Antonio thinks I'm cute."
Friend: "You've spoken to Antonio Banderas???"
Woman: "Of course. I speak to Antonio all the time. Every time
I visit his website. That's why I bought a computer. I can use
my Hotmail account to send Antonio some really hot mail."
Friend: "Perhaps you should try Yahoo, because that's exactly
what you're turning into."
When marriages go sour, divorce may seem like the best answer, at
least for those who aren't content with the Internet. But the
study seems to indicate otherwise. With the divorce rate soaring
in America, perhaps more people should just hang in there and
work on their marriages.
"Honey, did I say that I'm leaving you? Well, I didn't finish
my sentence. I meant to say that I'm leaving you all my credit
cards. Buy whatever makes you happy: a diamond ring, a pearl
necklace, a poster of Antonio Banderas."
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.MelvinDurai.com
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist, and occasional
stand-up comedian. Born in India and raised in Zambia, he has
lived in the U.S. since 1982. Through the Internet, his column
is read by thousands of people in more than 90 countries.
This newsletter may be shared with friends, discussion groups and
joke lists, as long as the subscription and copyright information
is included.
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW...
Antonio Banderas, the Spanish-born movie star and heartthrob,
has appeared in more than 30 films, including "Original Sin,"
"Evita," and "Philadelphia." He is married to actress Melanie
Griffith.
----------------------------------
TO SUBSCRIBE: Send a blank email to:
join-Fun...@relay.netatlantic.com or go to:
http://MelvinDurai.com/sub.htm
__________________________________