Humor from the Net
Bill McCray
Bill
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Reverse parts of the user name and ISP name for my e-address
Bill McCray
I saw a note on the bulletin board at our local grocery store that
said "Need Help? Call Jesus." and gave a phone number.
Out of curiosity, I called.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Bill McCray
From Kim Komando:
A veterinarian was barred from performing surgery because of his poor
record. However, the veterinarian continued to do surgery. The
police busted him just as he was to operate on a sick bird. But the
case was dismissed on a technicality. It was an ill-eagle surgeon
seizure!
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Copyright 2009 WestStar TalkRadio Network. All rights reserved.
Subscribe to Kim Komando's free e-mail newsletters at:
www.komando.com
Used with the permission of Kim's organization.
Bill McCray
Bill
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Bill McCray
From Kim Komando:
A man was married and happy, but he had one complaint. His wife was
always nursing sick birds. One day, he came home to find a robin
coughing in the living room. In the dining room, a bluebird had its
wing in a sling. He went to the kitchen, where he found his wife
cuddling a half-frozen bird. "We've got to get these #*@#! birds out
of here," he yelled.
Replied his wife, "Please, dear, no bad language in front of the
chilled wren."
---
Copyright 2009 WestStar TalkRadio Network. All rights reserved.
Subscribe to Kim Komando's free e-mail newsletters at:
www.komando.com
Used with the permission of Kim's organization.
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Bill McCray
From Kim Komando:
Penguins have a strong community bond. When a penguin dies, friends
and family dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and
beaks. The dead bird is rolled into the hole and buried. The male
penguins then gather in a circle and sing "Freeze a Jolly Good
Fellow".
Speaking of the cold -
Walter the ice-cream man's van was parked at the side of the road
with lights flashing, music playing, and a big line of excited kids
stretched down the street. But there was no sign of Walter. A
policeman walking down the road wondered what was going on. Where
was Walter? Why was he not dishing out the ice-cream? He went over
to the van and peered over the high counter. On the floor he spoted
Walter, lying very still and covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry
sauce, nuts, and those little jelly bits. "Get back kids," he
shouted. Moving away so the kids couldn't overhear him he called the
station. "Sergeant, you'd better get a team down here quick," he
stutters. "It's Walter the ice-cream man ... He's topped himself!"
Bill McCray
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THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
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Original, thought-provoking humor
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THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:
For links, photos and comments, please read this column at
http://www.Nshima.com where it was first posted.
"DON'T BUG ME TO GO CAMPING"
http://www.nshima.com/2009/09/camping.html
It may surprise you to hear this, but I've never gone camping, never
felt the urge to leave the comforts of my home to spend a few days in
a tent somewhere. Don't get me wrong: I like being close to nature.
I just don't like nature getting too close to me.
You never know what you might encounter in nature: mosquitoes, bees,
wasps, Al Gore.
Actually, I'd be quite pleased to run into the former vice-president
in the woods, especially since the mosquitoes would have another
place to land.
Mosquitoes can be a pain in the neck, not to mention the arms, legs,
and other body parts. Bees, wasps, flies, and ants can also be
annoying. I don't need insects to bug me. I have three children.
And if there's anything worse than dealing with insects, it's dealing
with children dealing with insects.
My daughter Divya is the worst. She has singlehandedly destroyed any
progress made over the last century in human-insect relations. A
single fly can produce a high-pitched scream from her, almost as if
someone changed the channel in the middle of "Dora."
My wife, Malathi, doesn't like flies either. Then again, she has
never been too fond of uninvited guests who head straight for her
food. Especially when they don't have the decency to wash up.
If I were a hardcore camper, I wouldn't complain about the insects.
I'd just catch them and have them for dinner. You can't be picky
about what you eat when you're a real camper. Real campers realize
that it's better to eat an insect than have an insect eat you.
Not that I know anything about eating insects. I've just read the
book "Camping for Idiots," which includes this important tip: In
order to get your recommended daily allowance of protein while
camping, you must get used to the idea of sleeping with your mouth
open.
The closest I've come to camping was staying in a cabin near a
Minnesota lake. I spent a few days there with my wife and kids and a
dozen flies. We just opened the door and they flew right in, as
though they had rented the place themselves and were waiting outside
for someone to let them in.
Fly: "It's about time they opened the door! We spent half our lives
waiting."
Second fly: "I'm hungry! Does anyone know where they keep the trash
can?"
We were staying in a cabin, but in some ways, we were really roughing
it. We had to endure some extreme conditions. For example, our
cable had only 40 channels. And we didn't have a DVD player. Talk
about a primitive existence!
The cabin did have an oven and microwave, but to get the camping
experience, we didn't do all our cooking there. Malathi started a
fire outside, and I wore a loincloth and headed to the woods to hunt
for boar.
Actually, we picked up some meat and veggies at a nearby grocery
store. Malathi cut them in pieces, put them on skewers, and roasted
them in the fire. For at least an hour, we felt like real campers.
Then we went inside and ordered pizza.
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(c) Copyright 2009 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
http://MelvinDurai.com
Leave a comment on this column:
<http://www.nshima.com/2009/09/camping.html#comments
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http://www.Nshima.com
BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters, blogs,
discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the website link and
copyright information are included. This does not apply to print
publications or commercial websites.
Melvin Durai is a Winnipeg-based writer and humorist. Born in India
and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America since 1982.
Through the Internet, his column is read by thousands of people in
more than 90 countries.
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Bill McCray
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at
the altar," the Preacher said.
Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked:
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replied: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher put one finger in Leroy's ear, and he placed the other
hand on top of Leroy's head and prayed and prayed and prayed. He
prayed a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back, and
asked,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy replied, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next
Wednesday!"
Bill McCray
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI KNIGHT IF ...
1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
8. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another Bud Light so
you didn't miss an interview with any of the Allisons.
10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
11. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side ... it'll be a hoot."
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
13. If you hear "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
14. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land
speeder.
15. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
16. You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.
17. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
18. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a
redwood deck.
20. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
Bill McCray
The Washington Post asked to readers to come up with lame analogies.
The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones is
as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was starved
to death by Abraham Lincoln. And so they had to create a separate
category to honor those entries that came too close to actual litera-
ture to qualify as "bad." Here they are:
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull,
Arlington)
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia
dell'arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters. (Brian
Broadus, Charlottesville)
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
Those judged bad enough to be just "bad":
Sixth Runner-Up: The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
Fifth Runner-Up: "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts
heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary
Devore, Gaithersburg)
Fourth Runner-Up: He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe
from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)
Third-Runner-Up: Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like
someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
(Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)
Second Runner-Up: She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
First Runner-Up: It came down the stairs looking very much like some-
thing no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington)
And the winner: The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep.
Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parlia-
mentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House
Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William
Jefferson Clinton. (J.F. Knowles, Springfield)
Honorable mention:
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM. (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse)
He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that
hunts dogs, I suppose. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. (Nanci Phillips
Sharp, Gaithersburg)
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
PH cleanser. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-
temperature Canadian beef. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)
Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten,
actually. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Outside the little snow-covered cabin, a large pile of firewood was
stacked like Pamela Anderson. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
They were as good friends as the people on "Friends." (Katie Buckner,
McLean)
The sardines were packed as tightly as the coach section of a 747.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)