Suburban Legends: Tales to Chill Your Bones
Chris ''Koala3K'' Slat
become the new wave of American entertainment. However, since I'm
breaking ground every day, I thought that I'd tell some of my favorite
"suburban" legends. Subhumans are, well, a little less than human, and
suburban legends are, well, a little less than urban legends are. You'll
see as you read my favorite terrifying, chilling, and strange......
SUBURBAN LEGENDS
tales to chill your bones
**The Unwanted Alligator**
Once long ago, a family went to Bermuda, where they thought they'd get a
pet alligator. They bought one, and took it back to their home in New
York City. However, it proved to be a hinderance to the family, and they
wanted to get rid of it. So, they flushed it down the toilet. It got
stuck half way down the pipes, and by the time the plumber got there, it
had suffocated.
**The Businessman's Problem**
A couple years ago, a businessman was on a business trip. The night
after his important meeting, he went down to the bar in the bottom of
his hotel, where he had a few drinks. He met a twenty-something woman,
and they started flirting over a few pints of scotch. They went back to
his room, and the next thing the businessman knew, he had come back to
conciousness lying in a tub of ice water. Then he realized what had
happened that night. He, in a drunken blur, had started attacking the
woman, who had pulled out a switchblade from her blouse and stabbed him
in the back. Now he was in the emergency room, recovering from shock and
the knife injury to his right kidney.....
**"Aren't You Glad....?"**
There once were two women who shared a college dorm. One liked to party,
and the other liked to stay home and study. One night, the party animal
went out for a night on the town. At about midnight, she came back home
to get her lipstick. Noticing that it was dark and quiet in the room,
she didn't turn on the light, thinking her roomate was sleeping. She got
her lipstick, and left. She came back early the next morning. She opened
the door, and, in the morning sun, saw her roommate on her bed, with a
cold expression on her face.
She was staring at her trigonometry book.
She looked at her night owl friend, and said, "We're having a test
today.....chapters 3 to 5.²
The other hung up her coat and said, "Uh-oh. Aren't you glad you
studied last night?"
**A Terrible Happening**
There once was a woman who was friends with her dog. Every night, the
dog slept under her bed, and if she was ever scared during the night,
having nobody to turn to but her old, deaf, father, she would put her
hand under the bed and be reassured by the warm, damp feel of her dog's
tongue. One night, she thought she heard strange noises at night, and
put her hand under her bed, and she felt her pooch's tongue. The next
morning, she heard a dripping sound in her shower. She went into the
bathroom, flung back the curtain, and saw the most terrible thing she
had ever seen.
Her father was in the bathtub, taking a bubble bath.
**The Calls**
A long time ago, a man was at home alone, watching a zombie movie on TV.
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"I'm coming to get you......" The man hung up. A few moments later
the phone rang again. The man answered, only to hear the same gruff
voice, saying the same thing. After the fourth time this happened, the
man called the police, and asked for a trace. A few moments later the
phone rung. The man answered, and heard a different voice.
"This is the police! Those calls are coming from inside your house!"
The man was scared, grabbed a baseball bat, rushed up to the attic,
where the second phone line was installed, swung open the door, and saw
his 14-year-old son Justin, who was supposed to be at camp all week. He
beat the kid half to death with the bat.
**Deadly Message**
Not so long ago, a mild-mannered Kibologist received a threatening
letter from a crazy guy who claimed to be the second coming of Kibo.
From then on, the poster made horrible fun of the crazy guy, until they
finally learned who the mystery man was. Then, he kept his distance from
him.
One night, the Kibologist was at home, and he kept getting e-mails
from the same threatening guy. He tried to block the sender, but his
e-mail application kept telling him that he could not block himself. He
finally realized that the sender must be using HIS LAPTOP, which he had
programmed to remember his password. He ran upstairs with a baseball
bat, and, sure enough, there was the guy, who was soon beaten severely
with the bat.
**The Night Ride**
A college student was coming home from school late one night when she
noticed that she was being followed by an old pickup truck. Every now
and then, the truck turned on its high beams, and flooded the student's
car with light. Then, it would turn them off. It did this more and more
and the student drove faster and faster. The student finally got home,
and pulled in her driveway quickly. Just as she did, she noticed the
truck pull off the road in the direction of her house. A police car
stopped behind it, and gave a ticket to the driver, who, the student was
surprised to learn, was her neighbor. The cop wrote him up for driving
with broken headlights that turn off all the time.
**Deadly Call**
Shirley McPherson's husband had just died when she got the call. She
picked up the reciever, and collapsed. Days later, a relative, stopping
by to comfort her in her time of grief, found her dead of a heart
attack. She called 911 from her cell phone, then held up the receiver,
still in the dead woman¹s hand. She soon died of a heart attack, too.
When Shirley was interred in her husband's crypt, where the phone was
found off the hook.......
However, when investigators traced the call McPherson received, they
discovered it was from AT&T, telling her that her phone bill was $35,904
and 64 cents. The phone in the crypt was found to have been disconnected
five years prior to the husband's death.....
**The Ghastly Discovery**
An old woman went to a shopping plaza shortly after her cat's death to
find a gravestone for it, and run a few errands. On the way back to her
car, a bag she was holding was stolen by a robber, who ran off, and,
grabbing what he thought to be valuables, pulled out a handful of
mothballs that the old lady ate in her spare time.
The enb.
I know they were st00pid.
--Chris "Koala3K" Slat
-----------------------------------------------------------
"I'm gonna make GRAVY outta your little girl!"
--Christopher Walken to Johnny Depp in "Nick of Time"
(second best movie quote ever)
-----------------------------------------------------------
http://www.tdi.net/cslat
Jacob W. Haller
they don't appear to be in Google, so I'll just repsot them here MYSELF!
-jwgh
=R=E=P=O=S=T============================================================
Posted on 31 May 1995 at 00:46:03 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #1.
OK, like, my mother's brother's cousin's daughter hired this babysitter,
see. This is true. She was, like, downstairs, and the baby was sleeping
in this crib upstairs, and she gets this phone call. She picks it up,
and she heard this creepy voice which says "I'm watching you! I'm
watching you!" so she hangs up. Then she gets another call, which says
"I'm watching you! I'm watching you!" so she hangs up again. This
happens a couple times, and she gets really scared, so she calls the
operator. The operator says he'll trace the call when it happens again.
So it happens again, and the guy says "I'm watching you! I'm watching
you!" so she hangs up. Then the operator calls and says "I TRACED THE
CALL! IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!" So she gets up and runs
upstairs, and sure enough, it was the baby who was making the calls.
- Jeff Vogel
Collector of Knowledge
========================================================================
Posted on 31 May 1995 at 13:48:00 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #2
OK, this one, like, happened, to my mom's sister. She, and her husband
were gonna' go out for the afternoon? It was a weekend, like, and they
hired this skanky teenager to babysit their baby kid. So they go, but
they leave these directions that, like, the babysitter was supposed to
put the baby in the crib and put the turkey in the oven. But the
babysitter, see, starts tripping on acid? And when the parents get home,
they find the babysitter got the directions wrong and stuffed the baby
inside the turkey. And the baby got a nasty scratch from one of the
bones! So they yelled at the babysitter a lot.
- Jeff Vogel
Spiderweb Software
========================================================================
Posted on 2 Jun 1995 at 00:43:31 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #3
I read about this one in, like, a newspaper somewhere. I think it was
the New York Times. You see, these two teenagers, like, one male and one
female, were out on Lover's Lane in, uh, Chicago, when it says on the
radio a psycho has escaped from the asylum, and to watch out for him
because he has a hook for a hand! So, they get nervous, and then they
have sex. And when they're done, she sees his hand IS A HOOK!!!
- Jeff Vogel
I Got A Million Of Em'
========================================================================
Posted on 3 Jun 1995 at 01:00:37 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #4
I heard about this guy, once, he was, like, a friend of my brothers. He
was looking for a used car, see, and he saw in the paper there was this
BMW for like 200 bucks! Just 200 bucks! So he like show up at five the
next morning, hoping that he'd be the first to get to it. Well he gets
there, and the car is there, and he asks its owner what's goin' on, and
the guy says that the yuppie who owned it, he like went out into the
hills and shot himself in the back seat and nobody found him for two
months, and the smell of his rotting, putrifying body pervades the
inside of the car and they can't get the smell out. So my brother's
friend says "Awesome!" and buys the car. And now he can get to ball
art-house, slacker, black-wearing Anne Rice fan chicks whenever he wants
- he just gives them a ride and they think it's totally cool. I'm
thinking of hiring someone to shoot himself in my car.
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Posted on 3 Jun 1995 at 14:44:56 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #5
I read about this in Ann Landers. See, there was this guy, and it was
his birthday, but his wife and kids totally forgot about it. He was all
depressed, like, and went to work, but his secretary remembered, and she
offered to take him out for lunch. She did, OK? And then she offered to
take him over to her house for his present, and he says yeah, and they
get there, and she goes into the bedroom for a long time. And while
she's in there, he gets ideas and takes off all his clothes. Then she
comes out of the bedroom with all his family and business partners, and
they're all naked too, and they have a wild orgy. I think I read about
that in Ann Landers, although it may have been Savage Love.
- Jeff Vogel
Urban legend guy.
========================================================================
Posted on 5 Jun 1995 at 12:06:12 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #6
This one I read about in a magazine, like, I think, Time, so it's gotta'
be true. OK. There was this woman, who, in the 50s, when beehive hairdos
were popular, went to one of these big department stores, in, like, New
York, and bought a beehive hairdo wig. Well anyway, she wears it a
while, and then notices her scalp is getting really itchy. She kind of
scratches, and doesn't think about it. Then it starts to sting. And hurt
more. And she gets really worried? So she takes off the wig and looks
through it really carefully, and a bunch of moths fly out! And they
reproduce like crazy and then systematically destroy all vegetation on
the eastern seaboard!
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Posted on 6 Jun 1995 at 13:19:00 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #7
This one happened to my cousin, or one of his friends, or maybe some guy
he bagged during his Gay Phase. This guy and his friend were driving
home from the Prom, and they saw this woman standing on the corner,
looking really forlorn and it was raining and stuff. They pulled over
and let her in, and were taking her home. But except for saying where
she lived, she didn't, like, say anything. She just looked sad. She was
shivering with the cold, so one of them loaned her his jacket. Then when
they got to her house, they looked into the back seat, AND SHE WAS GONE!
They thought that was really weird. So the next day, they went to her
house, and knocked on the door, and she answered it! They asked her what
happened, and she said that she thought they were spooky and slipped out
at a light and went to her boyfriend's house, and he puked on his
jacket, sorry about that. So they beat the crap out of her. I guess you
just shouldn't be an asshole, ya' know?
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Posted on 8 Jun 1995 at 00:49:51 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #8
I heard, I think this was from my cousin or something, that there was
like his little girl who was having a slumber party or something with a
little female friend alone, and they went back to the girl's house to
get something, and they were there alone, and the girl's father came
home, and they thought it would be really funny to pretend to be
burglars and scare him. Then when he got scared and came upstairs, the
girl jumped out of a closet and yelled "BOO!" and her father shot her!
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Posted on 8 Jun 1995 at 13:31:40 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #9
My uncle, he, like, bought this Cadillac? Remember? Anyway, he was
driving it, 'cause it was his and stuff, and he noticed there was this
rattle in it. It always rattled when he drove, and it drove him nuts. So
he takes it into the shop, like, five times, and they can never find the
rattle. And so he takes it in again, and they take the entire car apart,
bit by bit, and then they take off the hubcab and look inside, and they
find the hook from a guy who escaped the insane asylum!
- Jeff Vogel
Keeper of Exile
========================================================================
Posted on 9 Jun 1995 at 13:33:18 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #10
I read once, in a magazine, and it must have been true, that there was
this big battle in the civil war, near this farmhouse. And this Union
soldier, he got hit with a bullet in his testicle! Yowtch! And the
bullet, it kept going, and went through the window of a nearby
farmhouse, and struck this girl in the belly. Then it went through her,
hit her sister in the stomach. It went through her too, and hit her
widowed mother in the stomach. And it turned out that they all became
pregnant! This guy had some awesome seed! Well, anyway, the doctor looks
at the situation, and investigates, and figures out what happened, and
finds the young soldier. And to make a long story short, that was how
Mormonism was created!
- Jeff Vogel
Urban legend expert.
========================================================================
Posted on 12 Jun 1995 at 00:23:55 by jeff vogel
Postmodern Urban Legend #11
I had this friend who took this philosophy class as an undergrad. Well,
the final exam, like, had only one question on it - "Why?" And they had
two hours to do the exam, and everyone starts writing and BS'ing, and he
just writes "Because" on the exam and turns it in. But he never found
out what he got, because he was feeling so clever and smug after he
walked out that he wasn't paying any attention and got hit by a car. And
when everyone found out what a smartass he'd been, they were glad it
happened.
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Posted on 13 Jun 1995 at 18:33:00 by jeff vogel
Postmodern Urban Legend #12
I read once, I think in the New York Times, that lots of people were,
like, going to Florida and coming back with baby rats. But the thing
was, they didn't realize how hard it was to take care of a rat, so they
flushed them down the toilet, and now the New York city sewers are
filled with giant rats! The article said it wasn't true, though. Lucky
thing, huh?
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Expert
========================================================================
Posted on 14 Jun 1995 at 14:21:49 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #13
I had this uncle, once, and he bought this Cadillac, and he was really
proud of it. He drove it around a bunch, but then he noticed that there
was this rattling noise. He, like, took it into the shop, but they
couldn't find what was causing the rattle, so he kept taking it in again
and again. Then, the fifth time, they took the whole car apart, and when
they took the hubcep off, they found an AOL disk. Boy, those things are
everywhere!
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Postmodern urban legend #14
You gotta' believe this one - it happened to my third cousin! Or someone
she knows. Anyway, this was when she was a teenager, and her family left
her alone for the weekend, and she was cool with it, expecially since
she had her dog Rex with her! Anyway, it was the first night, and she
woke up in the middle of the night, and she heard this weird dripping
noise, and she got really scared. But her hand fell over the side of the
bed and she felt Rex licking it and it relaxed her and she went back to
sleep. Bit when she woke up in the morning she went into the bathroom
and Rex was hanging over the showerbar and his blood was dripping into
the bathtub, and there was written on the mirror in blood: people can
lick too! And then when they caught the kid who did it and he did his
couple months, she started going out with him. I guess you can never
tell what's gonna' turn some people on, huh?
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
Posted on 18 Jun 1995 at 00:30:20 by jeff vogel
Postmodern urban legend #15
I read this in the local paper yesterday, so it's, like, gotta' be true!
These two guys had bought some bottles of Pepsi and were drinking them,
cause that's waht ya' do with 'em, you know? And one of them notices the
Pepsi tastes funny. So he takes the bottle outside and poured out the
Pepsi and looks inside, and at the bottom of the bottle, was a hook!
- Jeff Vogel
Urban Legend Guy
========================================================================
--
My only problem is that the letter sounds vaguely menacing -- sort of
like receiving a threat from a post-modernist gangster, who makes you an
offer you can't understand.
- Charlie Stross in alt.sysadmin.recovery 17 Dec 1999
Mark Hill
> Nowadays you hear more and more urban legends. Killers and psychos have
> become the new wave of American entertainment. However, since I'm
> breaking ground every day, I thought that I'd tell some of my favorite
> "suburban" legends. Subhumans are, well, a little less than human, and
> suburban legends are, well, a little less than urban legends are. You'll
> see as you read my favorite terrifying, chilling, and strange......
You're one of the writers for Beyond Belief, aren't you?
Nah, can't be. Your stories were FAR better. Or maybe you've been
saving the good content for a.r.k. and giving the crap to Fox.
LawnBoy
>
> This reminds me of a series of Jeff Vogel posts on talk.bizarre, but
> they don't appear to be in Google, so I'll just repsot them here MYSELF!
Priceless.
--><--
LawnBoy
Rose Marie Holt
Chris ''Koala3K'' Slat <peng...@nospam.tdi.net> wrote:
> Nowadays you hear more and more urban legends. Killers and psychos have
> become the new wave of American entertainment. However, since I'm
> breaking ground every day, I thought that I'd tell some of my favorite
> "suburban" legends. Subhumans are, well, a little less than human, and
> suburban legends are, well, a little less than urban legends are. You'll
> see as you read my favorite terrifying, chilling, and strange......
>
> SUBURBAN LEGENDS
> tales to chill your bones
Gaah! Now I am *never* going to get to sleep. Oh wait, I have meds.
Never mind.
>
> The enb.
> I know they were st00pid.
>
Of course you did. That's why you posted them here!
Best, Marie
Tom Kraemer
> Gaah! Now I am *never* going to get to sleep. Oh wait, I have meds.
> Never mind.
I hope you brought enough for everybody!
--
One Apple every eight hours keeps three Doctors away.
-B. Kliban
Zixia
> This reminds me of a series of Jeff Vogel posts on talk.bizarre,
How could it have possibly reminded you? Vogel's posts were actually
funny.
--
@+------------+@
_o)| Everything |(o_
/\\| Is Nice |//\
_\_V|____________|V_/_
Chris ''Koala3K'' Slat
sp...@jwgh.org (Jacob W. Haller) wrote:
> This reminds me of a series of Jeff Vogel posts on talk.bizarre, but
> they don't appear to be in Google, so I'll just repsot them here MYSELF!
>
> -jwgh
This was much funnier than what I did.
Jacob W. Haller
> In article <1fj4w5i.1254o2tzkax1fN%sp...@jwgh.org>,
> sp...@jwgh.org (Jacob W. Haller) wrote:
>
> > This reminds me of a series of Jeff Vogel posts on talk.bizarre, but
> > they don't appear to be in Google, so I'll just repsot them here MYSELF!
> >
> > -jwgh
>
> This was much funnier than what I did.
>
> --Chris "Koala3K" Slat
Well, I'm known for my brief but trenchant introductions.
-jwgh
--
"If Americans treated dead people the way they treat dead computers,
their basements and closets would be cluttered with family corpses."
--Carey Goldberg,
"Where Do Computers Go When They Die", New York Times 3/12/98