Tesla: The Life of a Genius

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Jacob W. Haller

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May 16, 2005, 9:27:49 PM5/16/05
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I met Tesla when one of us was a kid. He was somewhere between seven
and twenty feet tall, with a strong handshake and a broad, friendly
grin, and he had a large invisible yacht that he would use to hunt crows
in the antarctic. Or at least that's what he said; they say that seeing
is believing, and I never saw that boat, so I guess it _must_ have been
invisible.

Once, when Tesla was still young, he met the famous author Mark Twain.
Mr. Twain became quite an admirer of Tesla's, and when Tesla
experimented with medical applications of a vibrating box he had
invented Twain was first in line to try it out, despite Tesla's warnings
that the vibrations had some unpleasant side effects. It was on that
day that Tesla learned just what a giant pervert Mark Twain really was,
and they remained inseparable until the bar closed.

His experiments with resonance caused quite a stir, especially after he
accidentally invented the twelve-string guitar and nearly caused a riot.
But when the police came around he was cool and calm and polite and
friendly, and when he was being charming he could convince you of
anything! Absolutely anything! So he politely spoke to the police, and
they politely took their bribe, and he went on to invent the geodesic
bassoon, which revolutionized the field of bad musician jokes forever.

When I met Tesla he was embroiled in an argument with that evil bastard
Thomas Edison about whether toilets flush clockwise or counterclockwise
on the equator. Eventually Tesla came up with a brilliant solution.
"Ze water flushes DOWN, you dummkopf!" he wrote in a telegram to Edison.
This would not be the last of the clashes that these two gentlemen had,
but it would be the twenty-fifth, and that is almost as notable.

Yes, it is true, Tesla held Edison in great contempt. Of the famous
saying of Edison's that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration,
Tesla once remarked, "Then how is that I am the one who invented
antiperspirant while that idiot Edison was still trying to figure out
how to hold his nose closed?" Then he laughed so hard that it set up a
sympathetic resonance in the atmosphere which resulted in the
destruction of the Moon. Fortunately, Tesla had launched a spare moon
the previous week, "just in case," as he said, and so the world's
natural cycles remained undisturbed for another six weeks or so.

Years later, I visited Tesla while he was staying at the Chelsea Hotel,
where he and Nancy Spungen became famous for their high-quality stash.
He was growing old then and his fame had started to fade; his only
recent claim to fame was that his likeness had just been used as the
basis for a character in a Lois Lane comic book, where he appeared as
Lois's dream husband. He was never sure how he should feel about this,
and indeed, his opinion on the matter alternated between pro and con
quite frequently, sometimes as many as sixty times a second. It was sad
to see a man of his intellect so reduced, and it was not until he was on
his deathbed that he seemed to finally have resolved the question. His
last words were, "Was the comic book a good or a bad thing? What can I
say? People are wacky!"

Recently his reputation has started to recover, and the books, movies,
and slide shows based on his life have all become blockbusters, with a
Kitty Kelley unauthorized biography soon to follow. He would have been
glad to know this, I think, even though when he was alive he always
would disparage fame. "Fame," he would say, "is like broccoli: green,
but most people do not like to eat it." As always, his prescience was
both remarkable and wrong.

-jwgh

--
"I used to be better at logic problems, before I just dumped
them all into TeX and let Knuth pick out the survivors."
-- Plorkwort, 26 September 2004 on alt.religion.kibology

plorkwort

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May 16, 2005, 9:58:07 PM5/16/05
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In article <1gwob9i.1m70ubcoi374kN%yo...@jwgh.org>,

Jacob W. Haller <yo...@jwgh.org> wrote:
>Years later, I visited Tesla while he was staying at the Chelsea Hotel,
>where he and Nancy Spungen became famous for their high-quality stash.

Chelsea Hotel No. pi/2

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
You whispered so soft and sussurant
Giving me shocks from your cardboard box
With your newfangled alternate current.
Those were the electrons - that was New York
We were running for the charge and excitement
Those were called larks for the workers in quarks
Probably still is, for those of them left

Ah, you stole away quick, didn't you, Nik,
Just turned your back on DC
You were so great, and you'd alternate
Electric, flourometric
Magnetic, and eidetic
And all of that sparking around

[extra verse and chorus to be inserted here at a later date when there is
more margin]

I haven't provided that you were three-sided
I can't keep track of each fallen pigeon
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
Now you've started your very own religion...

plorkwort.
--
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"

Adam Funk

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May 17, 2005, 4:32:48 AM5/17/05
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plorkwort wrote:

> [extra verse and chorus to be inserted here at a later date when there is
> more margin]

NEEDS MORE MARGIN

Rich Holmes

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May 17, 2005, 9:39:32 AM5/17/05
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Adam Funk <a24...@yahoo.com> writes:

BUTTER

--
- Doctroid Doctroid Holmes <http://www.richholmes.net/doctroid/>

"Maybe I should ask sane people." -- Dag ]gren

Otto Bahn

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May 17, 2005, 9:51:59 AM5/17/05
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"Rich Holmes" <rsholme...@mailbox.syr.edu> wrote

> > > [extra verse and chorus to be inserted here at a later date when there is
> > > more margin]
> >
> > NEEDS MORE MARGIN
>
> BUTTER

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTING!!!

--oTTo--


pete

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May 17, 2005, 10:18:09 AM5/17/05
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If you think it's butter but it's snot,
it's Chiffon!

David DeLaney

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May 17, 2005, 12:36:07 PM5/17/05
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LESS FILLING

Dave "more Get Fuzzy" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.

Rich Holmes

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May 17, 2005, 2:47:42 PM5/17/05
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Jeremy D. Impson writes:

> WHERE is parts 5, et al, of "Re: The Earth is HOLLOW!"?

John D Salt writes:

> For one year, a quarter of a century ago now, I had the privilege
[etc]

James "Kibo" Parry writes:

> ON THE FIRST OF EVERY MONTH ("the first" being legally defined as
> any date between the 28th and 7th, or within two weeks of those
> dates either way) I WILL HEREBY POST SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT AND
> SPECIAL
[etc]

"Nicko" <duh....@kriho.com> writes:

> A good friend and colleague of mine--an erudite and witty fellow with whom
[etc]

yo...@jwgh.org (Jacob W. Haller) writes:

> I met Tesla when one of us was a kid. He was somewhere between seven

[etc]

a...@TheWorld.com (plorkwort) writes:

> Chelsea Hotel No. pi/2
>
> I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
> You whispered so soft and sussurant

[etc]

It seems Literature, and the Desire for Literature, is just damn
bustin' out all over in this here BBS.

It's like a few years back, when there was all this SURGING MUSICAL
ENERGY straining [see thread: Correct Bowel Movement] for expression,
exploding [ibid.] into a great burst of creative activity as soon as
Interröbang Cartel got up and running.

Of course the analogy is inexact: whereas ark is not a particularly
suitable venue for the posting of MP3s, there's nothing to stop people
from posting their finely honed stories here. But (1) there's a whole
lot of chatter on ark, too, and (2) there's little provision here for
fostering literary collaboration, and we know from ?!'s example how
fruitful such Kibological collaborations can be.

So what I'm getting at is, is there a deep-seated need for a focused,
collaborative Kibological literary venue? A Kiboliterary wiki,
perhaps?

Otto Bahn

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May 17, 2005, 4:32:48 PM5/17/05
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"Rich Holmes" <rsholme...@mailbox.syr.edu> wrote

> So what I'm getting at is, is there a deep-seated need for a focused,
> collaborative Kibological literary venue?

Oh, there's a "deep-seated need" alright. I'm not sure how
deep it is or if it is really seated, and I'm pretty sure it
is more of an urge than a need, so I think I know where this
"collaborative" is headed, and I shall not be partaking in
such base debauchery. I have no doubt the prophylactics will
be below industry standards for one, and I'm pretty sure the
ARK gallery has not been in updated in such a long time that
the "high school reunion" effect will come into play -- bring
a defibrillator, okay? If nothing else you can discharge it
on Cal^H^H^HDick's ears and see if he starts speaking English.

But I digress from the various states of undress that your
little "wiki" will invariably turn towards, not that there is
anything wrong with that, I guess, I'm just not expecting you
will find enough latex in town to cover all the parts of your
little expose. So, no, I won't be "venueing" in your "wiki",
not figuratively nor literarily; it's not like everyone will
be carrying their recently filled out medical certificates,
signed and notarized by the proper civil authorities within
the past five business days, AS REQUIRED BY NEVADA AND NETHER-
LAND LAW, I might add.

...Or will they? Hmmm. Oh, nevermind. This isn't my style.
I am far too Faulknerian for you Kibozos. And no jokes about
cows, dammit. And in case you are wondering, Faulkner was a
bozo too. A bozo with a punctuation problem, maybe, but hey,
admitting the problem is the first step in the time-tested
Hemmingway program.

"Netherlands?" Now there's a diversionary topic for another
day.

--oTTo--

Can I just watch?


Kevin S. Wilson

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May 17, 2005, 5:21:10 PM5/17/05
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On Tue, 17 May 2005 16:32:48 -0400, "Otto Bahn"
<GoAheadK...@Blew.Devels.com> wrote:

>I'm pretty sure the
>ARK gallery has not been in updated in such a long time that
>the "high school reunion" effect will come into play -- bring
>a defibrillator, okay?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

IWPTA "depilatory" but it still made sense.

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