Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology

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James Kibo Parry

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Jan 27, 2005, 7:20:26 PM1/27/05
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Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101
tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then
don't do any of these!

[www.megastar.co.uk]
->
-> Not got a date this Valentines? Here's why. You haven't used
-> any (or all) of MegaStar's 101 Ways to Get a Slap, otherwise
-> known as the 101 Best-Ever Chat-Up Lines since the Last 101
-> Were Printed.
->
-> Take stock of this huge stack of cheeky chat-up lines - of
-> varying styles, effectiveness and degrees of corniness - for
-> Valentines Day.
->
-> Try at your own risk:

Can I do snappy comebacks for all 101 before I get bored?
Let's find out!

-> "God must have been in a very good mood the day we met."

"And now God's going to enjoy seeing me punch you."

-> "Congratulations! You've been voted 'Most Beautiful Girl In
-> This Room' and the grand prize is a night with me!"

"So second prize is two nights with you?"

-> "Hi. You'll do."

Hmm, I might respond well to that one.

-> "I hope we are laughing together this time next year."

"Tell you what. No matter where you happen to be, I promise
I'll be laughing at you."

-> "All those curves, and me with no brakes."

"Wait, there's no 'k' in 'branes'."

-> "Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and
-> sop you up with a biscuit!"

I'm sorry, that line is so pathetic that no comeback is needed.

-> "Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?"

"No."

(Pickup lines for losers should not take the form of yes-or-no
questions. They should take the form of questions that are
impossible to answer without accidentally having sex.)

-> "Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth-to-mouth, quick!"

"Everyone knows you don't give mouth-to-mouth when someone's
choking. Let me get my giant rectal speculum."

-> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to
-> make a goddess."

"Were your parents cousins?"

-> "Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I
-> borrow yours?"

"No."

See how easy this is when they use yes-or-no questions?

-> "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!"

"I'm sorry, I don't want to see your little Pebbles."

-> "Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?"

"And do you want to be buried or cremated?"

-> "Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?"

"Are you asking me out just so you can double your wardrobe?"

-> "You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?"

That might work on me, provided I've remembered to bring my
handcuffs to the bar that night.

-> "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you."

"Really? The only voice I hear in my head is some loser
trying to pick me up."

-> "Come back to my place and if you don't like it, I swear I'll
-> give you a full refund."

"Tell you what. Let me double your IQ. I'll slap your face,
and that'll make it smart, or double no money back."

-> "That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor."

"Those are nice eyes, my parrot would love them."

-> "Have you ever played leap frog naked?"

Again, too pathetic for a comeback. It's the sort of line where
you'd just give the other person a combination withering-glare-of-
malice-combined-with-pity-for-the-idiot-who-tried-that-on-you.
I call that look my "expression 3A".

-> "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep
-> until the afternoon."

"And if you try anything with me, you'll sleep forever.
Just like Grandma. By the way, hope you don't mind sharing
the attic with what's left of her."

-> "Will you marry me for just one night?"

"Well, I am a legally ordained minister of Scientology,
so, sure, just give me the five thousand dollar honorarium
and sign this contract willing your eternal soul to L. Ron,
and I'll have you married to Kirstie Alley in no time."

-> "There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like
-> one more?"

"How would you like 265 more, after I break each in half?"

-> "Picture this, you, me, bubble bath and a bottle of
-> champagne."

"Picture this, you me, handcuffs, and a big vial of date-rape drugs."

-> "So darling, want to see why the girls call me tri-pod?"

"Why, are you the one who always has to stay in the very back
during weddings?"

-> "Lie down. I think I love you."

"Lie down. I think I'm gonna throw up."

-> "I've not had sex in two years. No matter what you did, kiss
-> me all over, dance for me, or wear provocative outfits, I
-> would not give in. Want to test me?"

"Sorry, I don't have sex with losers who pretend they're lying
about never having sex who actually will never have sex."

-> "Excuse me, do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want
-> one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you."

"Here's a cigarette, now fuck off."

-> "You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together
-> sometime."

"Too late, you're already putting me to sleep. YAWN!"

-> "Do you want to see the soles of your feet in the wing
-> mirrors of my car?"

"Do you want to see up your own rectum when I pull out one of
your eyes and shove it up your ass before giving the other to
my parrot? Gee, I'm sorry, that was kind of dark, but let's
move beyond that so we can go back to my place and I can cut
you up with a chainsaw."

-> "Hello, do you like fat guys with no money?"

"No, I like money with no fat guys."

-> "Can I add a branch to your family tree?"

"Sorry, we already have a knothead."

-> "Football players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different
-> positions. Just thought you should know that."

"Sorry, we already have a knothead. I mean, it's too bad you're
a football player. Because I'm a hockey player, and we do it
until the other person has blood streaming down their face
from where our skates cut them. Hey, do you have a razor blade?"

-> "Didn't you go to ********* primary school?"

"Didn't you go to The School For The Extremely Retarded?"

-> "I'm going to try and chat you up. If nothing else, it'll
-> give you a good laugh."

"And now you've failed at that, too."

-> "I may not be the best looking bloke/girl, but I'm the only
-> one here talking to you."

"But at least I'm not the only one here who thinks you're ugly."

-> "Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the
-> beautiful smile."

"Hey, don't I know you? Knothead from The School For The
Extremely Retarded?"

-> "Wow, are those real?"

(pointing to his brain) "Hey, is that real? Or is it kapok?"

-> "Are you wearing mirrored pants? Cos I can see myself in them
-> tonight."

"Do these pants make you look stupid?"

-> "Cor, babe, you've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon!"

"I'm sorry, he doesn't do penis extensions."

-> "Hi, my name is ****, how do you like me so far?"

"I feel an intense, passionate hated for you which grows without
bound during every passing second you fruitlessly hope to score
with me."

-> "If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it
-> for me?"

"You could wear it on your way home."

-> "I'm Welsh. Do you have any Welsh in you? Would you like
-> some?"

"You're Welsh? I'm sober. Get lost."

-> "If I pet you, would you follow me home?"

"But it's such a long walk to The Home For The Terminally Lame."

-> "Haven't we met, I hardly recognise you with your clothes on?"

"And now you're _never_ going to recognize me."

-> "Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It's just like a
-> French kiss, but down under."

"Sure, but first, let me give you a Hawaiian punch."

-> "I want you to have my children. In fact, you can have them
-> right now, they're out in the car."

"But how will Mrs. Idiot feel about that?"

-> "I hope you know first aid, because you take my breath away!"

"Sure, let me get out my giant rectal speculum... Aw, shoot,
some other asshole's got it."

-> "I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of
-> heaven."

This is another one which is so lame that it deserves no snappy
comeback about him going to heaven to be best friends with
Michael Landon.

-> "You look really hot! You must be the real reason for global
-> warming."

"Stop trying to blame it on me, fartman."

-> "Are those space pants? Because your bum looks out of this
-> world!"

"It's too bad your crotch isn't a little meteor."

(The only problem with that one is that you'd have to spell out
the "meatier"/"meteor" pun for the drunk, and then you'd feel
like "Highlights For Drunk Children", and it would all be a
colossal waste of time, so you should just say, "Yes, these
are space pants, PUNY HUMAN!" and then zap him with your
death ray.)

-> "I am a magical being, take off your bra."

"I am a magical being, grow a penis."

-> "I've just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant
-> by Christmas."

"That's too slow, because I can have you whacked by tomorrow."

-> "I feel like Richard Gere and I'm standing next to you, the
-> Pretty Woman."

"And by a bizarre coincidence, I happen to have brought a
gerbil for you."

-> "Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got fine written
-> all over you."

"Are you illegally parked? 'Cause you're about to get the boot."

-> "If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!"

"But if I slept with you, I could plead not guilty by reason
of insanity."

-> "Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to
-> sit on it."

That's is another one which is too lame to be worthy of a comeback,
as with any other pick-up line beginning with "Your ass is..."

-> "Wow, this is amazing, this is the first time every one of my
-> 32 personalities found you cute!"

"And this is the first time all 32 are going to get slapped
in alphabetical order."

-> "When God made you, he was showing off."

"And when God made you, he was jerking off."

-> "Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them
-> in your thighs?"

"And did he steal the brains from your cranium and put them
in a pink geranium?"

-> "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by
-> again?"

"Sorry, I'm blind to idiots."

-> "I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates
-> me a little."

That one would definitely work on me, again provided I had the
handcuffs.

-> "Excuse me, do you live around here often?"

I really don't know how to respond to something that lame.
Maybe I'd just do a breakdance while making farting noises
with my armpits.

-> "Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me
-> down. Go ahead say no."

"Here, let me hold your hand... okay, go ahead say 'uncle'."

-> "Would you like to see me naked?"

"Yes, being eaten alive by wolves."

-> "I'm not trying anything on, I always put my hands there."

I don't even follow the logic of whatever that one was.
I guess I'm just not dumb enough to understand these pick-up lines.

-> "Hello, here's 20 quid. Drink until I am really good looking,
-> then come to talk to me."

"Then you'd better leave me all your credit cards."

-> "Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?"

"Your lips look so lonely. Let me introduce you to five friends
of mine..." (*socko*)

-> "Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?"

"I don't know, I think _I'm_ too tall for that."

-> "Your legs must be tired because you've been running through
-> my mind all night."

"Yeah, and now they'll be kicking you in the crotch all night."

-> "Are you free tonight or will it cost me?"

"Oh, it'll cost you, all right... it'll cost you your IMMORTAL SOUL!"

-> "I'm on top of things in my life. Would you like to be one
-> of them?"

"I like to take life by the horns. Gimme the one from your
tricycle."

-> "Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5
-> inches and it isn't floppy."

"Let me get this straight. You're trying to pick me up by
telling me you're not only a nerd, you're not even 3.5 inches?
You've got some balls bragging about how dickless you are."

-> "You make my software turn to hardware!"

"And now, prepare to experience dumpware."

-> "Shhh - I'm a spy. Are you Natasha, my contact?"

"No, here's your contact--" (poke him in the eye)

-> "Are you busy tonight at 3am, baby?"

"Are you going to cry if I turn you down, baby?"

-> "I'm not drunk...I'm just intoxicated by you."

"Yeah, you're positively stupefied."

-> "I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
-> to this cheap hotel room."

"Well, at least he'll be having sex even though you won't."

-> "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes."

"Let's see... oh, yes, I do have a map of Losertown... population...
(dramatic pause, whip out a Casio keyboard to play three notes)
Y! O! U!"

-> "Are you a goddess. Then why do I want to kneel before you?"

That's another one which would work on me, except for the
"goddess" part.

-> "Hey gorgeous, you must be a light switch, cos every time I
-> see you, you turn me on!"

"What an embarrassing attempt. And now you're getting flushed."

-> "Fancy a drink and some lovemaking?" If the answer is no,
-> reply: "What, you don't drink?"

"So, you don't have any idea what would happen if someday
someone says 'yes', eh?"

-> "You know, you might be asked to leave this place soon.
-> You're making the other women look really bad."

"It would be a shame if I had to leave, because suddenly you're
making all these other guys look really handsome."

-> "When they made the alphabet they should have put U and I
-> together."

"Why don't you go put F and U up your ass?"

-> "I think I can die happy now, 'cause I've just seen a piece
-> of heaven."

RERUN DETECTED -- INITIATE RECORDED RESPONSE INSTEAD OF MY USUAL
SNAPPY OFF-THE-CUFF WITTICISM

-> "I've been hoping to talk to you all night."

"And I hope you never stop hoping."

-> "My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love."

(assuming it's a man hitting on a woman:)

"Really? Looks more like they're turning gay from so many
strikeouts."

-> "If I follow you home, will you keep me?"

Again, handcuffs.

-> "Do you have a plaster? Because I grazed my knee when I fell
-> for you, just now."

Again, giant rectal speculum.

-> "If you were a pair of pants I'd wear you out!"

"No you wouldn't, because I'm 100% idiot-proof."

-> "Inheriting 80 million quid doesn't mean much when you have
-> a weak heart."

"Especially because all the money in the world can't buy you
a personality."

-> "I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for a
-> religious experience."

Again, Scientology, maybe with handcuffs.

-> "So, do you like fat guys with no money?"

Again, rerun.

-> "You're ugly but you intrigue me."

"Really? 'Cause you're even uglier but you bore me."

-> Lick your finger, wiping it on the girl's t-shirt and say:
-> "Let's get you out of these wet clothes."

That one's so pathetic it calls for a Bugs Bunny response,
probably involving sticking dynamite into his ears.

-> "I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me
-> down. Do you fancy a date?"

"No, no, no!!! That's odd, I'm still unsatisfied. Let me
do it some more: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe... naah,
definitely not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no!!!
Now fuck off, I'm now satisfied... that you're a loser."

-> "Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice
-> set of buns."

"Yeah, and it's sure better than your tiny little salted nut roll."

-> "Your eyes are like spanners... every time you look at me my
-> nuts tighten!"

That one's kind of clever, even if it's written in British English
and not Regular English.

-> "OK, which chat-up lines haven't you heard yet?"

"The good ones."

-> "Did the sun just come out, or is it your smile that's
-> lighting up the room?"

"And does it smell like maple syrup in here, or is it you
that's making the room sappy? And by the way, the sun's
_outdoors_, Einstein."

-> "Live in my heart and pay no rent!"

"I'm sorry, it's too small... well, given a choice between
living in your heart or your brain, I'd better go with the heart."

-> "I don't know you, but I think I love you already."

"Really? 'Cause I don't know you, but I hate you already."

-> "You must be a broom - you've swept me off my feet!"

"And you must be a vacuum cleaner, 'cause you suck."

Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated
and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve
TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW?

-- K.

This article wasted two
hours of my valuable time.

Tim Chmielewski

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Jan 27, 2005, 9:53:47 PM1/27/05
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote in
news:kibo-27010...@10.0.1.2:


> -> "Hello, do you like fat guys with no money?"
>
> "No, I like money with no fat guys."

Not even Jack Black wearing a leather jacket playing a 30 year old
teenager in the mall?


> -> "I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me
> -> down. Do you fancy a date?"
>
> "No, no, no!!! That's odd, I'm still unsatisfied. Let me
> do it some more: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
> no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe... naah,
> definitely not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no!!!
> Now fuck off, I'm now satisfied... that you're a loser."
>

They Might Be Giants
No!

No is no
No is always no
If they say no, it means a thousand times no
No plus no equals no
All nos lead to no no no
Finger pointing, eyebrows low
Mouth in the shape of the letter O
Pardon me -- No!
Excuse me -- No!
May I stay?
Can I go?
No, no, no
Do this -- No!
Don't do that -- No!
Sit, stay, roll over
No, no, no
Finger pointing, eyebrows low
Mouth in the shape of the letter O
Red means stop. Do not go.
No, no, no


--
GIT Groupie : http://gitgroupie.timchuma.com
The Twits Give Me the Shits : http://twitsgivemetheshits.timchuma.com
My Photos : http://photos.timchuma.com

Glitter Ninja

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Jan 27, 2005, 10:55:39 PM1/27/05
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ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:

>I'll have you married to Kirstie Alley in no time."

Promises, promises.

>"Picture this, you me, handcuffs, and a big vial of date-rape drugs."

I think ginger ale should be in that sentence.

>-> "Lie down. I think I love you."

>"Lie down. I think I'm gonna throw up."

One of the best lines from "Dinosaurs" was, "Get me a ladder, I'm in
love!" A T-rex said it when he fell for a brontosaurus. Geddit?

>-> "I may not be the best looking bloke/girl, but I'm the only
>-> one here talking to you."

Jesus, that's rude. I wish there was something more scathing than "fuck
off", yet still as brief and to the point.

>-> "I've just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant
>-> by Christmas."

For fuck's sake, is this magazine trying to give people severe
lacerations from when someone shoves their cocktail glass into their face?

>-> "Excuse me, do you live around here often?"

>I really don't know how to respond to something that lame.

It's an old Steven Wright joke. From the "I Had A Pony" album. Which I
have on cassette, not on 33 *AND ONE FREAKIN' THIRD* r.p.m.

Stacia

Darla Vladschyk

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Jan 27, 2005, 11:25:00 PM1/27/05
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On 28 Jan 2005 02:53:47 GMT, Tim Chmielewski <webm...@timchuma.com>
wrote:

>No is no
>No is always no
>If they say no, it means a thousand times no
>No plus no equals no
>All nos lead to no no no
>Finger pointing, eyebrows low
>Mouth in the shape of the letter O
>Pardon me -- No!
>Excuse me -- No!
>May I stay?
>Can I go?
>No, no, no
>Do this -- No!
>Don't do that -- No!
>Sit, stay, roll over
>No, no, no
>Finger pointing, eyebrows low
>Mouth in the shape of the letter O
>Red means stop. Do not go.
>No, no, no

Worst David Spade imitation ever.

-=D=-

Paula

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Jan 28, 2005, 12:59:54 AM1/28/05
to
On Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:20:26 -0500, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
Parry) wrote:

>Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101
>tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then
>don't do any of these!

My first experience with awful pickup lines came when I was a shy
teenager working at a bakery. The manager went to the bagel shop next
door and brought back a lemonade for me. When I asked him how much I
owed him, he said, "Just a kiss." My immediate response was, "And if
I'd rather pay in cash?" My fellow counter worker, who had been
fending off this goober's roaming hands behind the counter in the
past, called me her hero. This was the same manager who would
disappear when it was time for someone to take a lunch break but would
still take the half hour out of their paycheck even if they didn't get
the break. I wish I had known how to make a car bomb back then.

--
Paula
"Or if you really want to meet me just take the NJT to 78, take 78 to 24, take 24 until it runs out, and then just drive around listening for the sound of quietly smoldering rage." Ben Allard

James Kibo Parry

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Jan 28, 2005, 2:04:35 AM1/28/05
to
Paula (mmmtob...@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> My first experience with awful pickup lines came when I was a shy
> teenager working at a bakery. The manager went to the bagel shop next
> door and brought back a lemonade for me. When I asked him how much I
> owed him, he said, "Just a kiss." My immediate response was, "And if
> I'd rather pay in cash?"

"DEN ITZA HUNNERD DOLLAS ANNA KISS, BITCH!"

One of the things straight guys just don't get to experience is people
hitting on them in these crude ways which suggest the hitter believes
he's entitled to whatever he wants. Women get that all over the place,
and it happens in gay bars near closing time, but if there's a place
where sleazy women are hitting on straight men in that manner (outside
of "Laverne & Shirley" reruns), I want to know about it so I can go
spy on them. I want to witness the dramatic internal battle between
the "MUST HAVE SEX" half of the guy's brain and the "SHE'S A SKANK" half.
Actually, I think in most guys it's more like 75/25. Anyway, it would
be funny to watch guys trying to come up with snappy comebacks. They'd
probably mostly be along the lines of "Guh? My name Steven. I'm beer!"

My current favorite guy/girl interaction to watch, since I can't see
the above, is when a guy tows his girlfriend into the porno store to
pick out some guy porn for the two of them to watch so that he can
more effectively please her, or whatever. The tolerantly bemusedly
disgusted look on her face, and him displaying the false bravado of
"Hey, look! I'm in your porno store yet again, but this time I'm
going to have ACTUAL SEX with a LIVING WOMAN! But first, some porn!"

My previous favorite was the shots of the camera panning across the
studio audience of "The Bucky Lewis Show" on Channel 50 in New Hampshire.
Hooting frat boys and their girlfriends, who were all rolling their
eyes in disbelief at how awful an experience "The Bucky Lewis Show" was.
(Oddly, during the last year he was on the air, the studio audience changed
from frat boys on disastrous dates to mostly very fat people. My hypothesis
is that they must have taped his show back-to-back with a griddle infomercial.)

> My fellow counter worker, who had been fending off this goober's
> roaming hands behind the counter in the past, called me her hero.

Yes, you did good. But of course a REAL hero would have secretly followed
the lusty baker to the competing bagel shop next door to make sure your
doughnut already had a hole in it when he bought it.

> This was the same manager who would disappear when it was time for
> someone to take a lunch break but would still take the half hour out
> of their paycheck even if they didn't get the break. I wish I had
> known how to make a car bomb back then.

Here's another idea: You could smear capsaicin all over your lips and
then let the jerk kiss you, and then start talking about how burning
sensations are the main symptom of a new form of herpes which is fatal
unless castration occurs within twelve hours. On second thought, that's
a stupid idea. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying.

-- K.

I suddenly have a
craving for bagels
and/or capsaicin.
Wait a minute! I just
realized that I started
an extra-spicy bagel
dog cooking in my oven
before I read your
article! I'm saved!

Mark South

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Jan 28, 2005, 2:13:46 AM1/28/05
to
On Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:20:26 -0500, James "Kibo" Parry wrote:

...a long list of lines, carelessly omitting the one with the GREATEST
BRAND RECOGNITION OF THEM ALL:

"You don't sweat much for a fat lass."

> Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated
> and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve
> TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW?

After Valentine's day, please to be posting jpegs of the facial and
genital damages resulting from use of the chatup lines.

Also pictures of the result of running amok with the chainsaw.

> This article wasted
> two
> hours of my valuable
> time.

Well, two hours of your time anyway. And to add to the tragedy, 3 minutes
of mine.

(Notice how I was careful not to use the word "oxymoron".)
--
Mark South: World Citizen, Net Denizen

Mark South

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Jan 28, 2005, 2:17:15 AM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 03:55:39 +0000, Glitter Ninja wrote:

> ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
>>I'll have you married to Kirstie Alley in no time."
>
> Promises, promises.

Is this the svelte Kirstie Alley from old Cheers reruns or the present-day
Kirstie Alley we're talking about?

>>"Picture this, you me, handcuffs, and a big vial of date-rape drugs."
>
> I think ginger ale should be in that sentence.

...and a chainsaw.



>>-> "I may not be the best looking bloke/girl, but I'm the only
>>-> one here talking to you."
>
> Jesus, that's rude. I wish there was something more scathing than "fuck
> off", yet still as brief and to the point.

"Fuck off" is more scathing if you emphasise the "OFF!" verbally in
perfect coordination with the knee to the gonads.



>>-> "I've just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant -> by
>>Christmas."
>
> For fuck's sake, is this magazine trying to give people severe
> lacerations from when someone shoves their cocktail glass into their
> face?

Yup. Jpegs!!



>>-> "Excuse me, do you live around here often?"
>
>>I really don't know how to respond to something that lame.
>
> It's an old Steven Wright joke. From the "I Had A Pony" album. Which
> I have on cassette, not on 33 *AND ONE FREAKIN' THIRD* r.p.m.

My work here is done.

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 2:24:04 AM1/28/05
to
Mark South (mark...@null.invalid) wrote:

>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated
> > and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve
> > TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW?
>
> After Valentine's day, please to be posting jpegs of the facial and
> genital damages resulting from use of the chatup lines.
>
> Also pictures of the result of running amok with the chainsaw.

Oh, I don't really want to hurt anyone with a chainsaw.

> > This article wasted two
> > hours of my valuable time.
>
> Well, two hours of your time anyway. And to add to the tragedy,
> 3 minutes of mine.

SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!!

-- K.

(Need a haircut?)

Mark South

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 4:56:58 AM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:24:04 -0500, James "Kibo" Parry wrote:

> Mark South (mark...@null.invalid) wrote:
>>
>> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
>> >
>> > Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated
>> > and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve
>> > TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW?
>>
>> After Valentine's day, please to be posting jpegs of the facial and
>> genital damages resulting from use of the chatup lines.
>>
>> Also pictures of the result of running amok with the chainsaw.
>
> Oh, I don't really want to hurt anyone with a chainsaw.

Then I guess I'm stuck with watching the second TCM movie.



>> > This article wasted two
>> > hours of my valuable time.
>>
>> Well, two hours of your time anyway. And to add to the tragedy,
>> 3 minutes of mine.
>
> SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!!

Oh, no need. A butter knife will suffice for cutting open the bagel.

> (Need a haircut?)

Actually, I will in another week. Thanks for reminding me to make an
appointment with my extremely hot (think Letitia Casta) french coiffeuse.

Message has been deleted
Message has been deleted

Glitter Ninja

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 11:15:59 AM1/28/05
to
dogsnus <dog...@micron.net> writes:

>"Yo momma,what's happening"?
>"What's your sign"?
>"Hey foxy lady,wanna do a line"?
>"My old lady's cool with me seeing other chicks".

>One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to look at
>some white guy

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsorry. Here I was thinking DAYAM, Terri must have
had it goin' on! Shaft, Superfly and Blackula were hitting on her all the
time. Turns out, it was just the Bay Street Rollers.

Stacia

John D Salt

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 11:52:15 AM1/28/05
to
Mark South <mark...@null.invalid> wrote in
news:pan.2005.01.28....@null.invalid:

[Snips]


> ...a long list of lines, carelessly omitting the one with
> the GREATEST BRAND RECOGNITION OF THEM ALL:
>
> "You don't sweat much for a fat lass."

"Y'divven't" rather than "you don't", Shirley?

Like all of Sid's lines this is ineluctably followed by the
"Doosh! -- Gaaaaah!" sound of him being kicked in the pods, sort
of the mechanical equivalent of the electrical "BZZZT -- GAAH!"
we all know and love.

We now return you to our regular drivelling.

John.

Mark South

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 12:46:46 PM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 16:52:15 +0000, John D Salt wrote:

> Mark South <mark...@null.invalid> wrote in
> news:pan.2005.01.28....@null.invalid:
>
> [Snips]
>> ...a long list of lines, carelessly omitting the one with
>> the GREATEST BRAND RECOGNITION OF THEM ALL:
>>
>> "You don't sweat much for a fat lass."
>
> "Y'divven't" rather than "you don't", Shirley?

You know, I can't honestly be sure that I've faithfully reproduced the
speech defects^Wmannerisms of a native of Newcastle to the appropriate
degree, so I am happy to let your version stand.

> Like all of Sid's lines this is ineluctably followed by the
> "Doosh! -- Gaaaaah!" sound of him being kicked in the pods, sort
> of the mechanical equivalent of the electrical "BZZZT -- GAAH!"
> we all know and love.

Actually, Kibo missed slipping that in as well. In to the review I mean!

Well, on this point too, I am certain that you have more relevant
experience than I.

Nick Bensema

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 1:22:23 PM1/28/05
to
In article <kibo-28010...@10.0.1.2>,

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>One of the things straight guys just don't get to experience is people
>hitting on them in these crude ways which suggest the hitter believes
>he's entitled to whatever he wants. Women get that all over the place,

Of course, because women never act like they're entitled to whatever
they want. But I see what you mean.

>and it happens in gay bars near closing time, but if there's a place
>where sleazy women are hitting on straight men in that manner (outside
>of "Laverne & Shirley" reruns), I want to know about it so I can go
>spy on them.

I'd like to see an entire society where that happens. I'd like to see
whether men get conditioned to be so disgusted with the prospect of being
hit on, that they buy giant fake engagement rings, have cards printed with
fake phone numbers, and amass huge quantities of lesbian friends so they
can experience female companionship without feeling pressured to put out.

>I want to witness the dramatic internal battle between
>the "MUST HAVE SEX" half of the guy's brain and the "SHE'S A SKANK" half.
>Actually, I think in most guys it's more like 75/25. Anyway, it would
>be funny to watch guys trying to come up with snappy comebacks. They'd
>probably mostly be along the lines of "Guh? My name Steven. I'm beer!"

Er, happened to me. In 1998, even. Back when I was racing against
the clock to lose my virginity before the age where Janeane Garofalo
lost hers; she'd whined on TV that she "didn't even have sex until
[she] was 21", boo hoo. Remember how desperate I was in the late
90's? Well, turns out that's not desperate enough to think that
beating some celebrity at Virginity Golf is worth following up on
someone whom one doesn't like at all. I didn't get that desperate
until 2000. Anyway, I'm fortunate that she wasn't persistent, and
that she was easy to avoid for the rest of the party.

It happened again. This time, someone I really really liked in
late 1999, ripped off the mask in early 2000 and revealed her psycho
side. And through about 2002, I consciously chose to ignore the
psycho side, much to my peril. I eventually had to cut off all
contact with her. This was easy because we only chatted on the Net
and on the phone, despite her periodic promises to meet me and
commence the physical pleasuring. Being stood up repeatedly over
three years has its fortunate side. And an abbreviated version of
this "relationship" happened in early 2004, too, but I caught on
much more quickly.

No chance for snappy come-back lines. The situations were just too
pitiful to be that impolite about it.

>"Hey, look! I'm in your porno store yet again, but this time I'm
>going to have ACTUAL SEX with a LIVING WOMAN! But first, some porn!"

Hey, at least he's not dragging her to a video game store.

>My previous favorite was the shots of the camera panning across the
>studio audience of "The Bucky Lewis Show" on Channel 50 in New Hampshire.
>Hooting frat boys and their girlfriends, who were all rolling their
>eyes in disbelief at how awful an experience "The Bucky Lewis Show" was.

I didn't pay much attention to individuals in audience shots. Was
"The Man Show" the same way?

--
Nick Bensema <ni...@io.com> AIM: NBensema
==== ======= ============== http://www.io.com/~nickb/

John D Salt

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 2:10:01 PM1/28/05
to
Mark South <mark...@null.invalid> wrote in
news:pan.2005.01.28....@null.invalid:

> On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 16:52:15 +0000, John D Salt wrote:

[Snips]


>> Like all of Sid's lines this is ineluctably followed by the
>> "Doosh! -- Gaaaaah!" sound of him being kicked in the pods,

[Snips]


> Well, on this point too, I am certain that you have more
> relevant experience than I.

I can't remember, have I recounted my experience of pod enkickment
during the course of a women's self-defence class for which I was
instructor's assistant?

It was a valuable learning experience for a lot of people in a
number of ways.

All the best,

John.

Jacob W. Haller

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 2:13:58 PM1/28/05
to
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

> -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to
> -> make a goddess."

There are biological, theological, and historical problems with this
one.

-jwgh

--
"I used to be better at logic problems, before I just dumped
them all into TeX and let Knuth pick out the survivors."
-- Plorkwort, 26 September 2004 on alt.religion.kibology

Steve Christensen

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 2:15:31 PM1/28/05
to
In article <kibo-27010...@10.0.1.2>, James "Kibo" Parry wrote:
> Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101
> tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then
> don't do any of these!

[snip]
>
> [www.megastar.co.uk]
[snip]


> -> "Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and
> -> sop you up with a biscuit!"

[snip]

WAITAMINUTE! What are you trying to pull here, Kibo?

That line doesn't sound very British.


-Steve

--
So if you people can't figure out what my birthday is based on subtle
hints and vague statements made at random intervals then I'm beginning
to think that you really don't care. -- Dean Lenort, a.r.k.

Glitter Ninja

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 2:17:43 PM1/28/05
to
ni...@fnord.io.com (Nick Bensema) writes:

>Of course, because women never act like they're entitled to whatever
>they want. But I see what you mean.

People. It's *people* who act like they're entitled. Not just men, or
women, or rednecks, it's just people.

>It happened again. This time, someone I really really liked in
>late 1999, ripped off the mask in early 2000 and revealed her psycho
>side. And through about 2002, I consciously chose to ignore the
>psycho side, much to my peril. I eventually had to cut off all
>contact with her. This was easy because we only chatted on the Net

Mmm. Schadenfreudey. I just got some incredibly good news in real
life, completely unrelated to Nick or ARK or psychos, so that may be why
I'm feeling the slightest tinge of schadenfreude. Sorry. I probably
should have kept that to myself. Wonder if I'll delete this paragraph?

>Hey, at least he's not dragging her to a video game store.

Tell me about it. I don't mind porno stores, and wish Kansas had some.
The two we do have are surrounded by Christian billboards telling me that
buying a dildo means I'm going to hell.

Stacia

Dag Right-square-bracket-gren

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 2:29:30 PM1/28/05
to
Jacob W. Haller wrote:
> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>
> > -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to
> > -> make a goddess."
>
> There are biological, theological, and historical problems with this
> one.

I agree, and I furthermore demand a do-over from Kibo on this one.
--
Dag Agren <> parac...@gmail.com <> http://wakaba.c3.cx/

J.

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 3:06:22 PM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:17:43 +0000 (UTC), sta...@xmission.com (Glitter
Ninja) wrote:

>ni...@fnord.io.com (Nick Bensema) writes:
>
>>Of course, because women never act like they're entitled to whatever
>>they want. But I see what you mean.
>
> People. It's *people* who act like they're entitled. Not just men, or
>women, or rednecks, it's just people.

I blame Soylent Green.

>>It happened again. This time, someone I really really liked in
>>late 1999, ripped off the mask in early 2000 and revealed her psycho
>>side. And through about 2002, I consciously chose to ignore the
>>psycho side, much to my peril. I eventually had to cut off all
>>contact with her. This was easy because we only chatted on the Net
>
> Mmm. Schadenfreudey. I just got some incredibly good news in real
>life, completely unrelated to Nick or ARK or psychos, so that may be why
>I'm feeling the slightest tinge of schadenfreude. Sorry. I probably
>should have kept that to myself. Wonder if I'll delete this paragraph?

You didn't. HTH.

>>Hey, at least he's not dragging her to a video game store.
>
> Tell me about it. I don't mind porno stores, and wish Kansas had some.
>The two we do have are surrounded by Christian billboards telling me that
>buying a dildo means I'm going to hell.

Please tell me that's what the sign ACTUALLY says. Please!

J.
-
(((in parantheses where available)))
"A stupid system that works the way it's supposed to is still a
stupid system." -- Daniel Seriff

Nick Bensema

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 3:28:32 PM1/28/05
to
In article <cte34n$d6l$1...@news.xmission.com>,

Glitter Ninja <sta...@xmission.com> wrote:
>ni...@fnord.io.com (Nick Bensema) writes:
>
>>Of course, because women never act like they're entitled to whatever
>>they want. But I see what you mean.
>
> People. It's *people* who act like they're entitled. Not just men, or
>women, or rednecks, it's just people.

And not just to sex. It's whatever people want. Who do you think there
are more of, at any given moment: people who think they're entitled to sex,
or people who think they're entitled to federal money?

>>It happened again. This time, someone I really really liked in
>>late 1999, ripped off the mask in early 2000 and revealed her psycho

>>side. [...]


>
> Mmm. Schadenfreudey. I just got some incredibly good news in real
>life, completely unrelated to Nick or ARK or psychos, so that may be why
>I'm feeling the slightest tinge of schadenfreude. Sorry. I probably
>should have kept that to myself. Wonder if I'll delete this paragraph?

You just like to point out that oh, the creepy dork from ARK is
getting his comeuppance for being so creepy and such a dork. So, no.
But know this: most of what I know about being creepy, I learned
from HER. Because, the way you pick up losers who think they're entitled
to sex, is be one yourself. And I didn't comprehend just how abnormal
she was until I started dating a woman who was much, much, much more
stable.

Now here's your schadenfreude: Now I'm looking for another stable
woman. A stable woman who will date ME. Like there's tons of those
in the social circles I'm in.

>>Hey, at least he's not dragging her to a video game store.
>
> Tell me about it. I don't mind porno stores, and wish Kansas had some.
>The two we do have are surrounded by Christian billboards telling me that
>buying a dildo means I'm going to hell.

Do you have video game stores?

Andrew Pearson

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 3:59:04 PM1/28/05
to

John D Salt wrote:
> Mark South <mark...@null.invalid> wrote in
> news:pan.2005.01.28....@null.invalid:
>
> > On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 16:52:15 +0000, John D Salt wrote:
> [Snips]
> >> Like all of Sid's lines this is ineluctably followed by the
> >> "Doosh! -- Gaaaaah!" sound of him being kicked in the pods,
> [Snips]
> > Well, on this point too, I am certain that you have more
> > relevant experience than I.
>
> I can't remember, have I recounted my experience of pod enkickment
> during the course of a women's self-defence class for which I was
> instructor's assistant?

Crikey Jawn!

How did they sell that job to you? "Saltie old chap, we've got an
opportunity here for a qualified academic to meet loads of female
persons..." later "stand here... not with your knees so close
together, open the pod bay doors a bit, there's a good chap..."

Yet later, after the doosh and the gaah "ow ow ow why do you need a
gokmop for that?" "Oh anyone can do it, but it's only the gokmops that
fall for it...".

> It was a valuable learning experience for a lot of people in a
> number of ways.

Indeed, just like my old grandad said: never volunteer for ANYTHING.
And there you have it.

Mark South

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 4:03:26 PM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 14:13:58 -0500, Jacob W. Haller wrote:

> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>
>> -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to
>> -> make a goddess."
>
> There are biological, theological, and historical problems with this
> one.

But the most disturbing is the missing "?".

David DeLaney

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 5:37:37 PM1/28/05
to
Glitter Ninja <sta...@xmission.com> wrote:
>>Hey, at least he's not dragging her to a video game store.
>
> Tell me about it. I don't mind porno stores, and wish Kansas had some.
>The two we do have are surrounded by Christian billboards telling me that
>buying a dildo means I'm going to hell.

"There's a better selection of dildos there than there is in Heaven, right? Or
is it the other way round?"

Dave "eternal rewards" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.

Paula

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 5:52:51 PM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 10:45:41 -0500, bar...@bookpro.com wrote:

>On Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:20:26 -0500, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo"

>Parry) wrote:
>
>>Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101
>>tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then
>>don't do any of these!
>

>And here's a guy on craigslist who can't even muster anything as good
>as those:
>
>http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/m4w/57396840.html

If he's really desperate enough to date almost anything and willing to
admit it, why demand a picture? If he's not desperate enough to take
whatever comes his way (fnarr away), then he should just buy a blow-up
doll or something.

Paula

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 6:48:54 PM1/28/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:17:43 +0000 (UTC), sta...@xmission.com (Glitter
Ninja) wrote:

>I don't mind porno stores, and wish Kansas had some.
>The two we do have are surrounded by Christian billboards telling me that
>buying a dildo means I'm going to hell.

So if you steal dildos from the porn store, do you go to hell for
stealing or do you go to heaven for helping to make a porn store go
out of business?

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 7:46:25 PM1/28/05
to
Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (parac...@gmail.com) wrote:

>
> Jacob W. Haller (yo...@jwgh.org) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > [bad British pick-up line]
> > > ->

> > > -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to
> > > -> make a goddess."
> >
> > There are biological, theological, and historical problems with
> > this one.
>
> I agree, and I furthermore demand a do-over from Kibo on this one.

You are in no position to demand anything, you no-candy-giver you.
Gimme candy. Then ask politely.

In any case, that pickup line could use a little editing. Shorter
is usually better, so if it were cut down to just "Hello, I'm gay!"
would work on a lot of women who like to try to convert them. Sheesh,
these women and their secret heterosexual unrecruiting agenda.

-- K.

But bear in mind that
in Britain, a "fag" is
just a cigarette, and
a "fag hag" is just
Princess Di.

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 7:45:17 PM1/28/05
to
Mark South (mark...@null.invalid) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!!
>
> Oh, no need. A butter knife will suffice for cutting open the bagel.

You have mistaken alt.religion.kibology for "Asimov's Science Fiction
Magazine". Please to be taking your butter-knife porn over there, pervert.

> > (Need a haircut?)
>
> Actually, I will in another week. Thanks for reminding me to make an
> appointment with my extremely hot (think Letitia Casta) french coiffeuse.

You misspelled "Letitia Baldridge", Rex. And hey, nice cameo in the
director's cut of "Superman: The Movie".

-- K.

Does anyone even know what
the hell I ever talk about
any more?

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 8:58:10 PM1/28/05
to
dogsnus (dog...@micron.net) wrote:
>
> What merficfully little I remember of dating many years ago is comprised
> of the following pickup lines:

>
> "Yo momma,what's happening"?
> "What's your sign"?
> "Hey foxy lady,wanna do a line"?
> "My old lady's cool with me seeing other chicks".

"What's your sign?" is the sort of pick-up line where you can tell they're
pretty dim if they don't realize you've already heard it often enough to
think up a witty rejoinder such as "DO NOT ENTER" or "STOP CASTING POROSITY".

> One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to look at

> some white guy with a perm wearing skin tight polyester pants
> and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel,usually silk,and a chest so
> covered with gold chains it was impossible to see anything but the
> jewelry. And the hair pick in the tiny back pants pocket(how could I have
> forgotten that?) Usually whipped out to pick at the permed afro in the
> nearest available viewing surface such as a spoon,the revolving disco
> ball or the mirror behind the bar as tunes from Donna Summers thumped and
> wailed in the background,receeding rapidly as I turned and ran away in terror
> with the firm belief that being a young widow working two jobs and going to
> school was the only recreation I should be attempting.
> It's also why I decided should I ever find myself single again,
> unless dating has changed a great_ deal in the past 20 or so years,
> I'll not be trying it again.
>
> I blame John Travolta.

Is he also the reason your line-wrapping is so... bumpy? Here, let me
have a go at your right margin with my bare hands -- AND IF THAT ISN'T
THE WORLD'S GREATEST PICK-UP LINE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!

One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to

look at some white guy with a perm wearing skin tight polyester pants
and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel, usually silk, and a chest so
covered with gold chains it was impossible to see anything but the
jewelry. And the hair pick in the tiny back pants pocket (how could I
have forgotten that?) Usually whipped out to pick at the permed afro
in the nearest available viewing surface such as a spoon, the revolving
disco ball or the mirror behind the bar as tunes from Donna Summers
thumped and wailed in the background, receeding rapidly as I turned and
ran away in terror with the firm belief that being a young widow working
two jobs and going to school was the only recreation I should be
attempting. It's also why I decided should I ever find myself single
again, unless dating has changed a _great_ deal in the past 20 or so
years, I'll not be trying it again.

Isn't that more pleasing to the eyes? It's not a great rag, but still
at least now I can read it without suffering whatever sort of pain an
overly-ragged margin might cause if it could.

As far as silk goes, I recently discovered the incredible usefulness
of silk thermal underwear (in black, of course.) It weighs practically
nothing but with a layer of that under my T-shirt and leather, I can
survive the subzero wind chill here just fine. I got the silk thermals
from one of my hunting-supply catalogs. Apparently hunters like to
kill things while experiencing silky snug comfort.

And now that I have this silk thermal underwear, I understand why all
women love wearing pantyhose. Of course, my underwear's better, because
instead of being made from petrochemicals it's made from caterpillar poop.

-- K.

Everything I wear is an animal product,
assuming that you consider caterpillars
to be real animals just like the far
tastier cows and pigs.

Jacob W. Haller

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 11:00:41 PM1/28/05
to
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

> "What's your sign?" is the sort of pick-up line where you can tell they're
> pretty dim if they don't realize you've already heard it often enough to
> think up a witty rejoinder such as "DO NOT ENTER" or "STOP CASTING POROSITY".

"DO NOT LOOK AT BQQBIES WITH REMAINING EYE"

Jacob W. Haller

unread,
Jan 28, 2005, 11:04:38 PM1/28/05
to
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

> Mark South (mark...@null.invalid) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!!
> >
> > Oh, no need. A butter knife will suffice for cutting open the bagel.
>
> You have mistaken alt.religion.kibology for "Asimov's Science Fiction
> Magazine". Please to be taking your butter-knife porn over there, pervert.

Dammit, I subscribe to Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine and I have no
idea what you're talking about. HINTS PLEASE:

>@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@<
>@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@<
>@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@<
>@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@<
>@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >@<

Did you know that the new editor of Asimov's grew up in the same small
town in Massachusetts that I did? Now you do.

Message has been deleted
Message has been deleted

Mark Edwards

unread,
Jan 29, 2005, 1:06:47 AM1/29/05
to
[snips]

No cluons were harmed when James "Kibo" Parry! wrote:
> -- K.
>
> Does anyone even
know what
> the hell I ever talk
about
> any more?

Does anyone still care? / If so, I can't imagine why / we've got time
enough to die...

<Chris Rock>Do you understand the words, that are coming out of my
mouth?</Chris Rock>


Mark-what-were-you-saying-again?-Edwards
--
Proof of Sanity Forged Upon Request

TeaLady (Mari C.)

unread,
Jan 29, 2005, 11:27:53 AM1/29/05
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote in
news:kibo-28010...@10.0.1.2:

> Paula (mmmtob...@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>>
>> My first experience with awful pickup lines came when I
>> was a shy teenager working at a bakery. The manager went
>> to the bagel shop next door and brought back a lemonade
>> for me. When I asked him how much I owed him, he said,
>> "Just a kiss." My immediate response was, "And if I'd
>> rather pay in cash?"
>
> "DEN ITZA HUNNERD DOLLAS ANNA KISS, BITCH!"


>
> One of the things straight guys just don't get to experience
> is people hitting on them in these crude ways which suggest
> the hitter believes he's entitled to whatever he wants.

> Women get that all over the place, and it happens in gay


> bars near closing time, but if there's a place where sleazy
> women are hitting on straight men in that manner (outside
> of "Laverne & Shirley" reruns), I want to know about it so I

> can go spy on them. I want to witness the dramatic internal


> battle between the "MUST HAVE SEX" half of the guy's brain
> and the "SHE'S A SKANK" half. Actually, I think in most guys
> it's more like 75/25. Anyway, it would be funny to watch
> guys trying to come up with snappy comebacks. They'd
> probably mostly be along the lines of "Guh? My name Steven.
> I'm beer!"
>

I've witnessed brash and exceedingly ugly, skanky, barely human
females hit on men in the late hours at several less-than-a-dive
blues joints (in my far-gone long-ago indiscriminate youth, ahh,
thems were the nights). 99% of the time, the hit-line was "If I
suck you off, you don't have to look at my face".

I never saw that line turned down.

snipt with a pair of pinking shears, 'cause they leave pretty
edges

>
>> My fellow counter worker, who had been fending off this
>> goober's roaming hands behind the counter in the past,
>> called me her hero.
>
> Yes, you did good. But of course a REAL hero would have
> secretly followed the lusty baker to the competing bagel
> shop next door to make sure your doughnut already had a hole
> in it when he bought it.
>

Lacking any juices or odd cheese formations, this should be
unnecessary, but YMMV

>> This was the same manager who would disappear when it was
>> time for someone to take a lunch break but would still
>> take the half hour out of their paycheck even if they
>> didn't get the break. I wish I had known how to make a
>> car bomb back then.
>
> Here's another idea: You could smear capsaicin all over
> your lips and then let the jerk kiss you, and then start
> talking about how burning sensations are the main symptom of
> a new form of herpes which is fatal unless castration occurs
> within twelve hours. On second thought, that's a stupid
> idea. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying.
>

"I'd kiss you, but my doctor said syphillis CAN be orally
contracted after sucking off a few dozen bikers, so maybe you
should until the antibiotics kick in, ohh, some time next month
??"


--
TeaLady (mari)

Paula

unread,
Jan 29, 2005, 11:40:18 AM1/29/05
to
On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:04:35 -0500, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
Parry) wrote:

> But of course a REAL hero would have secretly followed
>the lusty baker to the competing bagel shop next door to make sure your
>doughnut already had a hole in it when he bought it.

He was the manager, not the baker. The baker was lusty, too, however.
He once baked a giant peanus from bread dough as a surprise for the
counter girl who worked the morning shift.

Message has been deleted

Bryce Utting

unread,
Jan 29, 2005, 4:28:07 PM1/29/05
to
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> But bear in mind that
> in Britain, a "fag" is
> just a cigarette, and
> a "fag hag" is just
> Princess Di.

... she was cremated?


butting

madge

unread,
Jan 29, 2005, 5:55:39 PM1/29/05
to
> ... she was creamed?
>
IFYPFY

--
"Never eat more than you can lift." Miss Piggy.

Xcott Craver

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 12:14:30 AM1/30/05
to
My friend Janice and I once put our branes together to think up the
worst possible pickup line of all time.

The worst we could think up was, "I'm writing a children's book
about three bottles of lotion that live in my car."

I suppose that in some mass-murdering scary clown dimension, people
hear that one all the time.

--X

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 12:33:32 AM1/30/05
to
Xcott Craver (c...@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote:
>
> My friend Janice and I once put our branes together to think up the
> worst possible pickup line of all time.
>
> The worst we could think up was, "I'm writing a children's book
> about three bottles of lotion that live in my car."

You're really not any good at being a loser. I'm sure I can think of
a far more awful pick-up line than you could.

Off the top of my head:

"I haven't gone to the bathroom in three weeks and I want to touch
your hamburger!"

"Do you have a cigarette I can shove into your eyeball so I can sing
that Gilbert & Sullivan song about the guy who shoved the lit cigarette
into the ugly chick's eyeball?"

"I'm reading a children's book about three bottles of lotion that
live in my car. I'm almost up to the part about Grandma's wattle."

"Which 'Three Stooges' haircut should I give you?"

"I keep my enemies list written on a caterpillar and if you try to
squish him I'll help him lay eggs in your brain!"

"Hello, I invented vomiting. Worship me!"

> I suppose that in some mass-murdering scary clown dimension, people
> hear that one all the time.

It's not a dimension, it's a suburb. Why do you think the locals call
it "Braintree"?

-- K.

So do tell me the entire
plot of your children's book.

Faceless Man

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 1:45:02 AM1/30/05
to
In article <kibo-28010...@10.0.1.2>,

ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

> Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (parac...@gmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > Jacob W. Haller (yo...@jwgh.org) wrote:
> > >
> > > James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> > > >
> > > > [bad British pick-up line]
> > > > ->
> > > > -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to
> > > > -> make a goddess."
> > >
> > > There are biological, theological, and historical problems with
> > > this one.
> >
> > I agree, and I furthermore demand a do-over from Kibo on this one.

I don't know. Is accusing your parents of being gay better or worse
than accusing you of being a slut or prostitute? (Or, as in at least
one of those pick-up lines, both.)

<snip>


> But bear in mind that
> in Britain, a "fag" is
> just a cigarette, and
> a "fag hag" is just
> Princess Di.

You should check your facts before accusing royalty of being fag-hags on
Usenet. She should be referred to as "Lady Diana, Princess of Wales", or
"Princess Charles", not "Princess Di".

Make up your own joke about who should be referred to as "Princess
Edward".

--
Faceless Man an...@mac.com "There are no differences of degree
Associate Anomaly Analyst but differences of degree between
Australasian Association for the different differences of degree
Analysis of Anomalous Arcana and no difference." - William James

Glitter Ninja

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 4:05:01 PM1/30/05
to
sta...@xmission.com (Glitter Ninja) writes:

>time. Turns out, it was just the Bay Street Rollers.

I come back from a weekend of debauchery to find several emails about
this comment -- two emails telling me I am teh funny, and three emails
telling me it's the Bay CITY Rollers. Now I'm paranoid that everyone
thinks I'm funny because I have early onset Alzheimer's. AGAIN.

Stacia
don't make me dig out my 8-tracks

Theresa Willis

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 4:41:01 PM1/30/05
to
On 29 Jan 2005 11:12:44 GMT, dogsnus <dog...@micron.net> wrote:

>sta...@xmission.com (Glitter Ninja) wrote in
>news:ctdofv$4eo$1...@news.xmission.com:

>
>> dogsnus <dog...@micron.net> writes:
>>
>>>"Yo momma,what's happening"?
>>>"What's your sign"?
>>>"Hey foxy lady,wanna do a line"?
>>>"My old lady's cool with me seeing other chicks".
>>

>>>One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to
>>>look at some white guy
>>

>> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsorry. Here I was thinking DAYAM, Terri must have
>> had it goin' on! Shaft, Superfly and Blackula were hitting on her all
>> the time. Turns out, it was just the Bay Street Rollers.
>
>I have no witticism at all to add to this,so I'll just say that
>you made me laugh loud enough to wake the furballs laying
>around me.

OMG Stacia has the power do awaken DUST BUNNIES! And I bet they are
HERS TO COMMAND! Run, meatbag, run!

Tim Chmielewski

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 6:21:42 PM1/30/05
to
Paula <mmmtob...@earthlink.ent> wrote in
news:ivglv01av13fbehle...@4ax.com:

> On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 10:45:41 -0500, bar...@bookpro.com wrote:
>
>>On Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:20:26 -0500, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
>>Parry) wrote:
>>
>>>Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101
>>>tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then
>>>don't do any of these!
>>
>>And here's a guy on craigslist who can't even muster anything as good
>>as those:
>>
>>http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/m4w/57396840.html
>
> If he's really desperate enough to date almost anything and willing to
> admit it, why demand a picture? If he's not desperate enough to take
> whatever comes his way (fnarr away), then he should just buy a blow-up
> doll or something.
>

Thank the law that I live in a country where prositution, liquor and
gambling and legal (you can't get all three in the same premises
unfortunately, but 2/3 isn't that bad.)

Thanks.

--
GIT Groupie : http://gitgroupie.timchuma.com
The Twits Give Me the Shits : http://twitsgivemetheshits.timchuma.com
My Photos : http://photos.timchuma.com

Mark South

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 7:03:05 PM1/30/05
to
On Sun, 30 Jan 2005 21:41:01 +0000, Theresa Willis wrote:

> OMG Stacia has the power do awaken DUST BUNNIES! And I bet they are
> HERS TO COMMAND! Run, meatbag, run!

Around here I'm more worried she can command the dust tyrannosaurs....

Glitter Ninja

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 7:48:32 PM1/30/05
to
"Andrew Pearson" <apea...@pt.lu> writes:
>John D Salt wrote:

>> I can't remember, have I recounted my experience of pod enkickment
>> during the course of a women's self-defence class for which I was
>> instructor's assistant?

Tell it again, even if you already did once. I like stories.

>How did they sell that job to you? "Saltie old chap,

Man, a spit-take is fukken *messy* when you've been eating Frosted
Mini-Wheats.

>Yet later, after the doosh and the gaah "ow ow ow why do you need a
>gokmop for that?" "Oh anyone can do it, but it's only the gokmops that
>fall for it...".

Did you know you can choke on your own tongue from too much laughter?
Also, in completely and entirely unrelated news, Andrew, I need to know
if you have liability insurance.

Stacia

Glitter Ninja

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 7:55:48 PM1/30/05
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:

>And now that I have this silk thermal underwear, I understand why all
>women love wearing pantyhose.

Stop trolling me! Gah! I'm -->this<-- close to ranting and raving
about the evils of pantyhose. It was unpleasant when I wore Size A
pantyhose; now that I'm wearing the fat chick pantyhose, it's downright
torture.
Tights aren't so bad. But any time I can wear knee-high boots or
knee-high hose instead, I do.

Stacia

Rich Holmes

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 9:22:06 PM1/30/05
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:

> As far as silk goes, I recently discovered the incredible usefulness
> of silk thermal underwear (in black, of course.) It weighs practically
> nothing but with a layer of that under my T-shirt and leather, I can
> survive the subzero wind chill here just fine.

Yeah, sure, compared to no pants, silk thermal underwear is an
improvement. But that's about it. Your Boston wind chill must be
pretty wimpy for you not to realize (1) silk thermals are pretty thin
(2) they don't really hold in much body heat and (3) wind with any
real cojones goes through silk thermals like trebuchet-flung cows
through tissue paper. I have tried silk thermals, and I'd say you can
have 'em, but I trashed 'em long ago.

So I'm glad your home town weather is so conducive to your
fashionability, but I can assure you, spent a January north of the
Thruway in central New York and you'll be begging me to divulge the
source of my J E Morgan 2-layer polypropylene and cotton long johns,
in any color that might be available.

(Gohn Bros., actually. That'll be ten white chocolate Lindor
truffles, please.)

--
- Doctroid Doctroid Holmes <http://www.richholmes.net/doctroid/>

"-1. A robot may not kill God or, through inaction, make the Baby Jesus
cry." -- Marc Goodman

Rich Holmes

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 9:24:31 PM1/30/05
to
Theresa Willis <tdwi...@earthlink.net> writes:

Not only can she awaken them, but she can get them to lay.

If you've ever priced a dozen jumbo dust eggs, you know that's not
very common.

Rich Holmes

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 9:28:17 PM1/30/05
to
sta...@xmission.com (Glitter Ninja) writes:

> Now I'm paranoid that everyone
> thinks I'm funny because I have early onset Alzheimer's. AGAIN.

You do NOT have Alzheimer's, Stacia. I told you that yesterday.

And the day before. And the day before that.

David DeLaney

unread,
Jan 30, 2005, 10:33:53 PM1/30/05
to
Rich Holmes <rsholme...@mailbox.syr.edu> wrote:
>Yeah, sure, compared to no pants, silk thermal underwear is an
>improvement. But that's about it. Your Boston wind chill must be
>pretty wimpy for you not to realize (1) silk thermals are pretty thin
>(2) they don't really hold in much body heat and (3) wind with any
>real cojones goes through silk thermals like trebuchet-flung cows
>through tissue paper.

Just remember that, as Rutherford showed, once in a while one of them DOES
bounce!

> I have tried silk thermals, and I'd say you can
>have 'em, but I trashed 'em long ago.

Only times I've ever tried pantyhose was when the Glee Club was doing its
annual February "Night of Medieval Debauchery" (which consisted of guys in
tunics and hosen, beer, and Purcell rounds; hey, in college beer will get
them in pretty much WHATEVER is going on). If I remember right it wasn't
something I wanted to cope with every morning, but it wasn't _bad_.

Dave "let's see if I can wrap candy in handy pantyhose:
------------\
( >O< >O< >O< =x=x=
------------/
...okay, we can, but it still has to be twisted shut. Got it." DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.

TimC

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 2:31:21 AM1/31/05
to
On Sun, 30 Jan 2005 at 23:21 GMT, Tim Chmielewski (aka Bruce)
was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea:

> Thank the law that I live in a country where prositution, liquor and
> gambling and legal (you can't get all three in the same premises
> unfortunately, but 2/3 isn't that bad.)

And fireworks, but only if you are in the Capital City.

--
TimC -- http://astronomy.swin.edu.au/staff/tconnors/
Heisenberg may have been here.

TimC

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 2:34:58 AM1/31/05
to
On Mon, 31 Jan 2005 at 02:22 GMT, Rich Holmes (aka Bruce)

was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea:
> ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
>> As far as silk goes, I recently discovered the incredible usefulness
>> of silk thermal underwear (in black, of course.) It weighs practically
>> nothing but with a layer of that under my T-shirt and leather, I can
>> survive the subzero wind chill here just fine.
>
> Yeah, sure, compared to no pants, silk thermal underwear is an
> improvement.

Brane..... .... ... .... .. ug... ... fizzle.

It involves a static strap and absolutely no silk underwear.
-- magical truthsaying bastard roney in ARK

Mark South

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 3:49:51 AM1/31/05
to
On Sun, 30 Jan 2005 22:33:53 -0500, David DeLaney wrote:

>> wind with any
>>real cojones goes through silk thermals like trebuchet-flung cows
>>through tissue paper.
>
> Just remember that, as Rutherford showed, once in a while one of them DOES
> bounce!

Not Rutherford, it was Geiger and Marsden. Geiger later went on to draw
the designs for the monsters in Alien, based on his memories of the
Cavendish.

HTH, YMMV, HAND, GOD BLESS ETC.

Mark Edwards

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 3:00:44 AM1/31/05
to

> sta...@xmission.com (Glitter Ninja) writes:
>
> > Now I'm paranoid that everyone
> > thinks I'm funny because I have early onset Alzheimer's. AGAIN.
>

No cluons were harmed when Rich Holmes! wrote:
> You do NOT have Alzheimer's, Stacia. I told you that yesterday.
>
> And the day before. And the day before that.


<punchline>
What a relief! At least she doesn't have cancer!
</punchline>


Mark Edwards

Glenn Knickerbocker

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 12:09:04 PM1/31/05
to
Glitter Ninja wrote:
> thinks I'm funny because I have early onset Alzheimer's. AGAIN.

Wait! I thought you were funny because you made a clever conflation of
"Bay City" and "Basin Street"! I thought that was why Terri was waking
the furballs and everything.

ŹR

Glenn Knickerbocker

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 12:39:09 PM1/31/05
to
Tim Chmielewski wrote:
> Thank the law that I live in a country where prositution, liquor and
> gambling and legal (you can't get all three in the same premises
> unfortunately, but 2/3 isn't that bad.)

How about a country where the government can force you into prostitution
to keep your unemployment? Courtesy of Schwa:


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/01/30/wgerm30.xml

> Under Germany's welfare reforms, any woman under 55 who has been out of
> work for more than a year can be forced to take an available job –
> including in the sex industry – or lose her unemployment benefit.

¬R

Marc Goodman

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 1:05:37 PM1/31/05
to
Glenn Knickerbocker wrote:
> http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/01/30/wgerm30.xml
>
>
>>Under Germany's welfare reforms, any woman under 55 who has been out of
>>work for more than a year can be forced to take an available job –
>>including in the sex industry – or lose her unemployment benefit.

It's important that mature women cultivate outside interests
to stay alert and vital. I know that as a mature man, I would
welcome an available job in the sex industry. I've always
wanted to direct, and this could be my chance. If it meant I
could keep my unemployment benefits, that's just the yummy
chocolate coating on the ice-cream bar.

Glitter Ninja

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 1:11:06 PM1/31/05
to
Mark-E...@comcast.net (Mark Edwards) writes:

><punchline>
>What a relief! At least she doesn't have cancer!
></punchline>

Oh yeah, that was funny. So who else cringed when they read this?
Anyone? Anyone?

Stacia
no, Mark, I'm sure you *don't* get it

Steve Christensen

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 2:30:20 PM1/31/05
to

That's not ice-cream.


-Steve

--
So if you people can't figure out what my birthday is based on subtle
hints and vague statements made at random intervals then I'm beginning
to think that you really don't care. -- Dean Lenort, a.r.k.

Matthew L. Martin

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 2:35:19 PM1/31/05
to
Steve Christensen wrote:
> In article <ZuCdnSSSjpi...@comcast.com>, Marc Goodman wrote:
>
>>Glenn Knickerbocker wrote:
>>
>>>http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/01/30/wgerm30.xml
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>Under Germany's welfare reforms, any woman under 55 who has been out of
>>>>work for more than a year can be forced to take an available job –
>>>>including in the sex industry – or lose her unemployment benefit.
>>
>>It's important that mature women cultivate outside interests
>>to stay alert and vital. I know that as a mature man, I would
>>welcome an available job in the sex industry. I've always
>>wanted to direct, and this could be my chance. If it meant I
>>could keep my unemployment benefits, that's just the yummy
>>chocolate coating on the ice-cream bar.
>
>
> That's not ice-cream.
>

It is also not chocolate.

Matthew

Mark South

unread,
Jan 31, 2005, 3:26:14 PM1/31/05