Modern Wisdom February 1999 volume 1 number 2
Don Saklad
Sent To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: francis dimenno <fdimenno (a) sequent1.providence.edu>
Subject: modern wisdom volume one number two february 1999
MODERN WISDOM
VOLUME ONE
NUMBER TWO
FEBRUARY 1999
c. 1999 Francis DiMenno
NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER: The response to our first issue was almost
overwhelmingly negative, with over 50 people asking to be taken off the
listserv. Some sample comments:
***
please take me off your mailing list. i'm not quite sure how i got on it in
the first place. you are a strange guy. that's all.
***
hey that list is really funny, but it would have been better if you hadn't
sent it to
everyone on the [our] list. I've been getting email complaints from a lot of
people. Please take them off your list.Thanks.
***
Dear everyone,
Apparently [someone] who subscribes to [our]
list, took it upon himself to email everyone his publication. On behalf
of [our group], I apologize for any inconvenience
this intrusion may have caused you and I'm taking steps to rectify the
situation. This list has never been meant for anything other than to
let you all know about upcoming performances; I hate unsolicited emails
as much as the next guy, and I am thoroughly embarassed by this event.
Once again, our apologies.
***
How did you get these addresses?
Also, when doing a mailing like this, don't put everyone's address in the
"to:" column, because now i could steal all the other addresses and they
mine. Put them in the "bcc:" line, then they won't show.
***
what exactly is this?
***
REMOVE ME FROM THE LIST
***
***
I want off
***
Hearteningly, there were two people out of about 250 who appeared to like
it, and they wrote as follows:
***
Please keep me on your list, I loved it!
***
Great magazine. Will there be humorous sections? It's hard to believe that
the wrong-headed comedian is ten years old. One minute you're standing on
stage in a box, the next minute you're forty years old. Life's funny that way.
Since the 'zine is clearly aimed at the younger audience, I have some
suggestions for future topics:
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
Many others wrote, asking just who or what the Wrong Hero is, or was.
Little is known about this elusive figure, except that he had a job writing
children's books, and he claims he got fired for using the word "poop." (
But the real reason he was terminated was because they were appalled by
his magnum opus, "Winnie The Shit.") If you were a child in the early 1960s,
you may recall some of his more popular titles in the 'Sparky' series of
Big-Little books:
SPARKY, THE RENEGADE DALMATIAN
SPARKY SETS FIRES
SPARKY SUCKS EGGS
SPARKY AND THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS
SPARKY AND THE EVIL DEAD
SPARKY THE DRUG MULE
SPARKY CAUSES WORLD WAR THREE
You can also look up the Wrong Hero on Alta Vista, where you'll find that
he is also mentioned in the following, award-winning poem:
HERION
ARE WE LEAVING ALIVE?
DO WE CHOOSE WRONG HEROES TO SURVIVE?
NOTHING AS A WONDER WOMAN
NOTHING AS A SAVIOR
PIERCE THE VEIN FOR A HERION
INSTEAD OF THE ONE GOD GAVE YOU
DOES THE HERION WEAR A CAPE?
OR DOES SHE HELP YOU ESCAPE?
HIGHER TO INFINITE ELEVATION
FEELS BETTER THAN AN ORGASM
WITH THIS HERO I LULL TO MASTERBASTION
A RITUAL HAS RESULTED INTO MY ANTHEM.
WRITTEN BY KEITH SCOTT
Pay particular attention, if you will, to Mr. Scott's inventive use of the
masterbastion/anthem rhyme so beloved of Homer, S'speare, et. al. Because
"Wrong Hero" is mentioned in the second line, this 20th century masterpiece
will come up when you type those words into most search engines. To quote
from our favorite respondent, "That is all."
(Signed:)
Your little buddy, "Skippy",
alias "Putcho"
alias "Mokey"
alias "Chief"
alias "Stumbo the Friendly Giant"
alias "King Herion"
and now...
MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS
1 NEW SAWS
or
2 THE NASTINESS CONCEALED BEHIND THE FACADE OF GRUFFNESS
or
3 YOU KNOW WHO IS YOU KNOW WHAT OK
4 WARNING: HUMOR
5 TOMORROW NEVER DIES
6 DESTRUCTO
7 FIRM BUT UNFAIR
8 FRESH FROZEN AT THE PEAK OF FLAVOR
9 A MAGNET FOR SCOUNDRELS AND FOOLS
10 DANGER DANGER
11 UNFORGET
12 BLACK INFORMATION
13 THE APOTHEOSIS OF PULP
14 MEAN-UGLY
15 FACT WRANGLER
16 MAGICAL THINKING
17 SELECTED POEMS: 1600-2000
18 ONLY DISCONNECT
19 IN RISO VERITAS
20 COUNTRY LIGHTS
21 UNREST RETURNS
22 LYING DEFIANCE
23 THE BOG OF UNCERTAINTY
24 CHRIST'S RESUME
25 HERO.COM
26 SUPERPOWERLESSNESS
27 A SHOW OF FARCE
28 CHRONIC AMERICAN IRONY
29 YOUNG CYNIC, OLD OPTIMIST
30 I CAN'T READ
31 MIDGET DOWN :CALL 91
32 PRAVUS VIR FORTISSIMUS
33 YOU CAN BITE MY SPINMASTER GENERAL
34 RATIONAL EXUBERENCE
35 APPROACH LAUGHTER
36 MIND BOMBS
37 MEME WARFARE
38 GEOGRAPHY OF QUAGMIRE
39 E-SPIONAGE
40 CHIMP OBJECTIVISM
41 THE SALESMAN COMETH
42 DEATH OF AN ICEMAN
43 SOMEBODY'S BEEN SLEEPING IN GOD'S BED
44 CUNNING STUNTS
45 BIT ADDER
46 PENDULUM BOB
47 SOLAR TRIGGER
48 SO GOOD IT'S BAD
49 CARING NIHILIST
50 ME THIRSTY, ME WANT GLASS OF SAND
51 A NEW BRUTALITY
52 SEASONED NEWCOMER
53 SPOILED PRIEST
54 INACCURATE INSIGHTS
55 NOT SHAKESPEARE
56 NO TIME FOR HOMERS
57 JOEY HEROIN
58 ARE YOU COOL?
59 IMAGINARY PORTRAIT
60 CLANGING
61 PORTION CONTROL
62 NASTY, BRITISH AND SHORT
63 STRIKE UP THE BLAND
64 AN UNREQUESTED GIFT
65 VIRTUAL DISCONNECT
66 TO DIE FOREVER
67 ANTI BONO
68 A FOUL WEATHER FRIEND
69 DISTINGUISHED FOR IGNORANCE
70 ZEALOT ZONE
71 DEATH OF A TONE-DEAF COWBOY
72 I BETRAYED THREE MASTERS
73 THE FUTURE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME
74 THE HOUSE OF FICTION
75 MOTIVATIONAL POISON IVY
If you're like most people (and who isn't?)....Then you're probably just
like everybody else. You're not interested in crummy ancient wisdom from
ginks like stupid Cicero or flea-bitten Empedocles or even
currently-fashionable Zeno or the ever-popular Heraclitus. No, Butchie-Boy,
you want modern wisdom. You neither want nor need wise proverbs--nay,
varmint, you hanker after foolish proverbs, I'll betcha. You don't need old
saws--nein, nein, nein, ein tausend times nein, doomkopf!--what you need are
NEW SAWS. Fresh, exciting, utterly illogical twists on musty, fusty old
cliches. Because, after all, a cliche is just a senile fact. So let's follow
that trend (we'll head 'em off at the passe) and merrily buzz our way
through some of these razor-sharp NEW SAWS! (Warning: Humor may be slightly
harder to understand west of the Rockies.)
76 Verily, I say unto you: In any action film with three friends, one of
them will always die.
77 They say a dog is a man's best friend. And I say, sure--all of my best
friends kill chickens. All of my best friends drink from the toilet. All my
best friends fetch slippers in their teeth, fuck in the middle of the
street, piss on the rug, huck Kibbles 'n' Bits onto the linoleum, roll
around in their own filth and beg for treats with their genitalia exposed!
78 Blessed are the meek, for they know how to keep quiet while
I'm...urp...talking to 'em.
79 I don't like to use the word 'shit.' I prefer to call it something nice,
like 'Brown monuments to a healthy appetite.'
80 An apple cleans your teeth. Then again, so does a hand grenade.
81 Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sow nor reap. Yet Solomon
in all his wisdom could probably sell them for a pretty penny to some
fanatical meteorite collector.
82 Carrots improve your vision at night. Just when you need it the
most--when you're asleep!
83 Where there is no vision, the people perish, but the makers of smoked
eyeglasses make moolah hand over fist.
84 The capitalist is eager to sell a rope for himself to be hanged with,
plus, for a limited time only, you also get new! RAFTER (TM)--perfect to
hang rope from! (Stool sold separately.)
85 If it is raining cats and dogs, maybe they'll finally resolve their
differences on the way down.
86 As William Lloyd Garrison so eloquently stated, "I will not bend. I will
not equivocate. And I will be heard...and for a good time, call 799-6969 and
ask for Velma."
87 People who tell the truth are never very popular. So let's kill them. All
three of them.
88 Never order "a pizza with everything" from Einstein--for he will tell you
that according to the laws of physics, such a snack is impossible.
89 The crow was killed by the storm. He died by my curse, said the owl. And
then the alligator, who had a degree in forensic pathology, concluded that
death was caused by a combination of environmental and epidemiological factors.
90 Good home cooking just melts in your mouth. Then again, so does the
mercury from a thermometer.
91 Fools get things mixed up and wise men straighten them out, which is also
the basic plot of every 50s sitcom ever made.
92 Still waters run deep. Actually, that's a pretty good description of a
toilet.
93 To say witty things is not always a sign of wisdom--but it sure as hell
beats watching the paint dry.
94 We are one nation dedicated to the Preposition: that.
95 Learn to handle a writing brush and you'll never handle a beggar's
bowl...but wait a minute, chief--if I were you I wouldn't throw away that
beggar's bowl just yet.
96 If it ain't broke, destroy it.
97 A blind man sat behind a pile of stones and thought nobody could see
him. Nowadays, they would call that man a 'performance artist.'
98 I was sad because I had no toilet paper. Then I met a man who was a
complete asshole.
99 A lie has seven variations, the truth none, and a good sex manual has at
least twenty or thirty.
100 Flavored seltzers everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
101 The early bird gets the worm, but the bird with the cash money can buy
night crawlers from a convenient roadside stand any time of day or night.
102 The difference between feminists and machinery is that machinery stops
whining when you lubricate it.
103 Never shave a corpse alone, for fear your hand would slip and you would
be accused of murder. Though to tell you the truth, personally, I'd rather
cool my heels on death row than have a job shaving corpses for a living.
104 Clowns have big shoes so they can still stand up after you punch them.
105 Not speech, but facts, convict. But a damp fart can drive everybody out
of the room.
106 Non-injury is the highest religion. Anyhoo, it sure beats putting the
severed head of a goat in a pentagram made of your own blood to forestall
the wrath of Mephistopheles.
107 A schizophrenic always demands your divided attention.
108 I went to my dentist. He's also my psychiatrist. He told me that my
cavities are all in my head.
109 A man that will fight may find a cudgel in every bush. In which case,
he'd be pretty foolish to go out and buy one, wouldn't he? But some people
are like that. By the way, exactly what in hell is a cudgel? Is it a
truncheon in its raw, unrefined state? Is it a kinder, gentler alternative
to a bludgeon? Or is it the unauthorized bootleg version of a nightstick?
110 Hair by hair, you may pluck out the whole beard, and just think of the
money you'll save on razors and depilatories. (But at what a cost in human
anguish and suffering!)
111 Cryogenic pet preservation is coming. Their motto: "I thought I thaw a
puddy tat."
112 If you live in my heart you live rent-free, although there may be a
small...security deposit...involved, if you get my drift.
113 Never let a story get in the way of a good truth.
114 Always part your hair in the middle so they synapses can move in both
directions.
115 It has been said that you cannot get butter by churning water, but
nowadays there are certain brands of diet margarine which utilize that exact
same process.
116 One nice thing about being in jail is that your parents always know
where you are.
117 Boast to a stranger, complain only to your friends, and you'll be well
on your way to being regarded as the neighborhood idiot.
118 Never send a chicken to bring home a fox, unless you're fixing to dine
on roast fox stuffed with masticated poultry, in which case, you've just
saved yourself a helluva lot of prep time.
119 There's nothing new under the sun--it's probably old, and scorched, and
crispy, and somebody's trying to sell it at a garage sale or flea market
somewhere, and asking far too much for it, because they think it's a
valuable antique, but actually, it's just a piece of filthy junk..
120 By the time the fool has learned the game, the players have all
dispersed, but at least the fool gets to polish off all the toothsome
morsels left behind by the others, or at least wrap them up in a napkin for
later, so the question is, who's really the fool in this situation? You just
pop that leftover pizza in the microwave oven, and you have a really tasty
snack!! Cost to you? Nothing! It cost you nothing!
121 He who rides the chair is a man just like those who carry it. Although
usually, his ass is a whole lot bigger.
122 Lepers are always envious of those with simple sores, which sounds to me
like an award-winning premise for a critically acclaimed movie of the week.
Maybe somebody with the right connections can get the Lifetime channel to
option it.
123 Envy accomplishes nothing. And it doesn't look very good on a resume,
either.
124 Why buy a cow if milk is cheap? For that matter, why buy anything if
you're sturdy enough to beg?
125 Anyone can walk on water. Just wait intil it freezes over, doomkopf.
126 Make hay while the sun shines and I'll be laughing at you, because I've
talked my way into a cushy office job, with an excellent benefits package
and three weeks of paid sick leave and basically, I just sit around all day
and read my e-mail and write this sort of foolishness and did I mention I'm
still laughing at you?
127 A blanket is not to be thrown away because of lice. There are plenty of
chimps at the zoo who would very much appreciate a blanket teeming with
these crunchy snacks.
128 Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.
Then again, it might be easier and cheaper to have construction workers do
that kind of work.
129 If two men quarrel, even their dogs will have a difference. So even if
they make up, at least we'll get a good dog fight out of it.
130 If you can't be with the one you love, brother, love the one you're
with. Good advice. Especially if you happen to be in prison.
131 Don't count the days of a month which may never be yours. Then again,
don't be surprised when you find it difficult to make dental appointments.
132 If you want to be Pope, you can think of nothing else. Especially if
you're an alcoholic junkie shacking up with a Vegas showgirl and you're not
even Catholic to begin with.
133 Why do we look for the faces of people in the clouds when, under the
influence of certain readily available drugs, we can see cloud formations in
the faces of people?
134 It's the quiet people that do all the work, and if we could just get
them to do it for nothing we'd all have it made.
135 You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, but then again, what
kind of maniac walks around with a pocketbook that smells like bacon?
136 A hungry monkey will not dance, and a scalded cat will run away from
cold milk, and I'm thinking to myself, what kind of nightmare world is this?
Screaming chimps and hissing cats and spilled milk and shattered disco balls
and God knows what all else, and I'm like, hey--who's in charge of this
dump? He'd better be careful the local humane society doesn't get wind of
these shenanigans, to say nothing of the health inspectors, but for a crisp
new sawbuck I see nothing, I know nothing....
137 Reach out your arms to those who are yet to be born--they represent a
broad new market for us to exploit for our personal gain.
138 Greek proverb: The frog wanted to be an ox and swelled up until he burst
and it's a real shame I couldn't get that on video.
139 Indian proverb: It is foolish to hold a candle before the sun or turn a
somersault before a monkey--but it sure beats working for a living.
140 Wink at small faults, for you have great ones yourself--like that
hideously patronizing wink of yours, for starters.
141 Morality is just life's way of making you wait in interminable lines for
what you need. Sort of like the Bureau of Motor Vehicles Registry.
142 If envy would burn, there would be no use of wood. For that matter, if
wishes were fishes, beggars would die of mercury poisoning.
143 I've never met a king with an itchy rash.
144 Persian Proverb: He who lends a book, one of his hands should be cut
off. He who returns it, both of his hands should be cut off. Needless to
say, there aren't an awful lot of public libraries in Persia.
145 Talent is born in silenece and character is born in the struggle of life
and as for television personalities, nobody really knows where THEY come from.
146 At 20 a man will be a peacock, at 30 a lion, at 40 a camel, at 50 a
serpent, at 60 a dog, at 70 a monkey, and at 80, if he follows my financial
plan, at 80 he will be a multimillionaire.
147 'If' and 'When' were planted, and 'Nothing' grew, but that's OK, because
the farmer got a fat subsidy from the Department of Agriculture that year.
148 Never talk down to children. Only adults are mature enough to be
condescended to.
149 He shall reap hemp who sows hemp and beans who sows beans, but let's get
back to that guy who sows hemp for a minute and maybe find out how to get in
touch with him come harvest time.
150 You can't stand in the way of progress. But you can set a couple of bear
traps and keep your fingers crossed.
151 Beware the patience of an angry man.
152 I don't believe that fishing is cruel. I believe that the fish don't
feel the pain. I believe that they flop around on the bottom of the boat
just for fun.
153 You can't conceal ignorence. (Where would you hide it? Uhh...I-I DON'T
KNOW!)
154 Make thyself a sheep and the wolf is ready, and the way you can tell is
that his cookbook is opened to the section on mint jelly.
155 Be not so stingy that when you share your drugs it is only one molecule
at a time.
156 I am no stranger to hard work. In fact, I am its most determined and
ruthless enemy. They say hard work never killed anyone. Try telling that to
John Henry, Casey Jones and Captain Ahab, chump!
157 The man who is in exile is happy for one thing--he doesn't have to buy a
lot of Christmas presents.
158 He who laughs last is a filthy hyena.
159 The sparrow said, "I did not eat, therefore the parrot should not eat."
And the parrot said, "You know, I don't appreciate that talking sparrow
horning in on my act."
160 A tisket, a tasket...er, what the fuck is a tasket?
161 If you would call the dog to you, do not carry a stick...unless it's the
word's largest Slim Jim.
162 People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. But what kind of
nut would want to live in a glass house? Why? So burglars can window shop?
So you can look at the wall and shave? So the neighbors can hold up
scorecards while you're screwing?
163 I was sad because I had no shoes. But then I met a man who had no feet.
So I let him walk all over me.
164 The man with a sour face shouldn't open a shop--unless it's a sour
lemonade shop, and where's the money in that?
165 We have nothing to fear but fear itself--blind, unreasoning fear--as
opposed to the eye-opening, sweetly reasonable variety, I reckon.
166 Do not ridicule the thin-bearded one. Especially if she is your
roommate's girlfriend.
167 No idol is so modern that it will not someday be antiquated.
168 To succeed, consult three old people...and have them contribute $20,000
each.
169 I have a very important message for all the innocent children. Please
give me your money.
170 He who dies with the best Toyotas wins.
171 Weeds always flourish. Especially if they're psychoactive.
172 Man is the only animal who compiles these inane lists--or needs to.
173 If you mock me, you will never be wise. Of course, even if you pay extra
close attention, you probably won't learn much either.
174 Not only do I have nothing to say, I can't even find the right words.
175 Dogs bark, the caravan goes on, and all of a sudden I've got a splitting
headache.
[About The Wrong Hero: Best characterized as masked, belligerent alien
comedian, he made his debut on Earth Day, April 21st, 1989 at The Middle
East Cafe in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Aside from various private parties,
Elks, Moose, and VFW Halls, The Wrong Hero has performed at Catch A Rising
Star in Cambridge, MA.; Stitches in Boston, MA; Club Bohemia in Somerville,
MA; AS220 in Providence, RI; The Funny Farm in Louisville, KY; The Holy
City Zoo in San Francisco, CA, and many other similarly obscure venues too
numerous to mention. He was also comedian-in-residence at The Middle East
Cafe from 1988 to 1995. He can currently be seen on Cambridge/Arlington
MediaOne, Channel 3, Fridays from 7:30 to 9:30 PM, and on CCTV Cambridge
Channel 9, Sundays at 9:30 and 11:30 PM. His website address is reached via
typing THE WRONG HERO in caps in Alta Vista or directly via:
http://www.bigfoot.com/~wronghero or http://members.theglobe.com/wrong%5Fhero.]
Editor's note: Do you want to be removed from this mailing list? Write me at
wronghero (a) bigfoot.com. Do you know someone who you think might like to be
added to this mailing list? Write me at the same address.
[I think I mentioned up top that all contents are copyright 1999 Francis
DiMenno. You may quote any or all of the contents of this e-zine ...WITH
ATTRIBUTION! And as long as you've read this far, I'd like to put in a plug
for Stephen Notley's hilarious comic strip Bob the Angry Flower. For a
sample strip, cut and paste:
http://www.compusmart.ab.ca/snotley/sweata.gif]
Francis DiMenno