Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners

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James Kibo Parry

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
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l'AFP wrote:
>
> Subject: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners

New Chimp With Real Rap Beat!

City Drop Charges Against Owners, Chimp Throws Feces Against Owners.

> WEST COVINA, California, Jan 29 (AFP) - Moe the chimp has beat
> the rap, now that this city has decided to stop monkeying around

"MONKEYING AROUND" HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT!

> with his owners, their lawyer said Friday.
> West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James
> Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits,
> filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria
> Allred said.
> Police Chief Frank Wills said the whole monkey business has
> generated worldwide attention and driven him bananas.

HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT!

BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S GOT THE WORD BANANAS IN IT!
THE MUTILATED FINGER MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER!

(Reporters attempting to be funny during news stories are much
like doctors attempting to be funny during your vasectomy.)

> "We're clearly losing the public relations battle," said Wills,
> who has has received angry letters and e-mails lambasting the city
> east of Los Angeles for prosecuting the couple.

That's what they get for letting Koko the gorilla send mail from AOL.

> "It's unwinnable ... If this was a pit bull, it would be a
> different story."

Oh, yeah, nobody likes dogs. But everyone loves monkeys, even though
you can housebreak dogs.

Ever notice that monkeys aren't intelligent enough not to poop in random
places, and yet they're just intelligent enough to be able to rip off their
diapers every five minutes? God made monkeys just to annoy people.
And because he likes sitcoms. That's why he invented the monkey,
the propeller beanie, and the tricycle.

> Moe, 33, has been moved to the Wildlife Waystation near here.
> Chief Wills said the Davises are still "legally prohibited from
> bringing the chimp back" to their home.
> He referred questions about why the case was being dismissed to
> city prosecutors Martin Mayer and Michael Capizzi. Neither returned
> calls seeking comment.
> The couple adopted the now 90-kilogram (200-pound) chimp after
> his parents were killed by poachers in Africa.
> The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails
> for candy. Ortiz is suing.

She will have to prove in court that her fingers do not taste as good as candy.

> "They are treating Moe like the Hillside Strangler," Allred told
> the Los Angeles Times.

Yeah, it's not like he ever strangled anybody. He just poked them in
their eyes and it went "BOOP!" and then he died and then he appeared in
"It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" standing perfectly still holding a fire
hose next to the other two Stooges, one of whom was also a wax mannequin
and the other was an extremely elderly Curly Joe, not even the real Shemp.

> But it wasn't Moe's first run-in with the law.
> Over the last three decades, the town's strongest primate has
> attacked five people, including two police officers and an animal
> control officer, Wills said.

He only mauled FIVE people! Let him get at least two more before you
throw the book at him! Whatever happened to the spirit of California?

> "If it was an adult (human), it would have been arrested for
> mayhem and assault," Wills said. "Lucky for him, he was an animal."

Meanwhile, Bob Hope mauled several people, but it was okay because he's
just a vegetable.

> Then, there was last year's wild monkey chase.

...on pay-per-view!

> Moe escaped from his backyard cage, and a police officer ended up
> getting bitten before Moe was caught.

Rule of thumb: Perhaps any animal that has to stay in a cage all the time
is unsuitable as a friendly housepet.

-- K.

Okay, I'll make an
exception for canaries.

Providing you glue padded
foam rubber clown noses
over their beaks.

Carlos Froggy

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
to

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> gave us the news:
: l'AFP wrote:

: City Drop Charges Against Owners, Chimp Throws Feces Against Owners.

:> WEST COVINA, California, Jan 29 (AFP) - Moe the chimp has beat
:> the rap, now that this city has decided to stop monkeying around

: "MONKEYING AROUND" HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT!

Yeah! They mean APEING AROUND!!
This ignorance about the distinction between higher and lower
primates is UNFORGIVABLE!!!!

:> West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James

:> Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits,
:> filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria

:> Allred said. [...]
:> The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails

:> for candy. Ortiz is suing.

KiboChimp wants ALL THE FINGERTIPS IN THE WORLD.

[...]
: Rule of thumb:

HAW HAW! ...I don't get it.

-- F.

* Fro...@neosoft.com ** "The Information Super-Frog" [dibs] *
http://www.angelfire.com/la/carlosmay/

Chris Costello

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
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James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> (Reporters attempting to be funny during news stories are much
> like doctors attempting to be funny during your vasectomy.)

Man, I have this funny story about a physical I once had.

- Chris Costello <ch...@FreeBSD.org>

David Pacheco

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
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In article <kibo-04020...@kibo.std.com>, ki...@world.std.com
(James "Kibo" Parry) said:
> (Reporters attempting to be funny during news stories are much
> like doctors attempting to be funny during your vasectomy.)

Got your balls! Got your balls!

-dp.
Playing "keep away" is
only funny until someone
loses an eye.

Ted Frank

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
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In article <MPG.13067dcc5...@news.lineone.net>,

David Pacheco <david_...@lineone.net> wrote:
>-dp.
>Playing "keep away" is
>only funny until someone
>loses an eye.

Actually, I think someone losing an eye would still
be pretty funny. The eye falls out of the socket and
starts bouncing around like one of those 40-ticket
superballs Louie Snick-Aye-Aye-Aye got at Gameworks
Thursday night, and the person who lost the eye would
be trying to grab it as it was bouncing but because
he or she didn't have appropriate depth perception
would keep swatting futilely at air while shouting
"Ayyy! My eye! My eye!" and the part-deaf waiter
would serve him a Hawaiian beverage. I can sure
see the humor potential in that.

Now, if someone lost a nose, that would seriously
suck.

Where should I take red for dinner Saturday night?
--
"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do
when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
-- George W. Bush, speaking at a "Perseverance Month" event in NH

Ben Allard

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
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Ted Frank wrote:
> Where should I take red for dinner Saturday night?

Nothing beats a carefully prepared home-cooked meal. Make sure red can
hear you from the kitchen when you tell her this.

Ted Frank

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Feb 5, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/5/00
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In article <389CE9...@hotbot.com>,

You know, once upon a time, I cooked for the women in my life. Then,
starting mid-1996 or so, they'd have nothing to do with it. (One ex
was notable for actually whooping in laughter when I cooked, or
otherwise complaining about the smells, and I ended up giving it
up entirely during our relationship for a diet of fast and frozen food.
Another was paranoid anoxeric, had a bachelor refrigerator consisting
entirely of a jug of water and a bottle of barbecue sauce, and refused
to be seen east of LaCienega where I could cook in a more fully stocked
kitchen.)

I don't have a good ending for this post, so I'll just

Ben Wolfson

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Feb 6, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/6/00
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On 5 Feb 2000 18:44:03 -0500, m...@Radix.Net (Ted Frank) wrote:

>In article <MPG.13067dcc5...@news.lineone.net>,
>David Pacheco <david_...@lineone.net> wrote:
>>-dp.
>>Playing "keep away" is
>>only funny until someone
>>loses an eye.
>
>Actually, I think someone losing an eye would still
>be pretty funny. The eye falls out of the socket and
>starts bouncing around like one of those 40-ticket
>superballs Louie Snick-Aye-Aye-Aye got at Gameworks
>Thursday night, and the person who lost the eye would
>be trying to grab it as it was bouncing but because
>he or she didn't have appropriate depth perception
>would keep swatting futilely at air while shouting
>"Ayyy! My eye! My eye!" and the part-deaf waiter
>would serve him a Hawaiian beverage. I can sure
>see the humor potential in that.
>
>Now, if someone lost a nose, that would seriously
>suck.

No, if someone lost a nose it would be very funny. See practically
anything by Nikolai Gogol, but especially "The Nose".


--
Barnabas T. Rumjuggler

My wine of life is poison mixed with gall.
-- James Thomson, "The City of Dreadful Night"

robert lindsay

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Feb 7, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/7/00
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In article <kibo-04020...@kibo.std.com>,

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>
>Ever notice that monkeys aren't intelligent enough not to poop in random
>places, and yet they're just intelligent enough to be able to rip off their
>diapers every five minutes? God made monkeys just to annoy people.
>And because he likes sitcoms. That's why he invented the monkey,
>the propeller beanie, and the tricycle.

I hear ChimChim: The next generation will feature a propeller beanie
powered by robot bees and a tricycle with a talking computer.
--
Robert Lindsay, NASA - Goddard, Greenbelt MD rlin...@seadas.gsfc.nasa.gov
"This whole business of killing bugs to be cool on the Internet is Grace
Hopper's legacy." -J. "Kibo" Parry, USENET, Sep 24, 1999 Why not me?
#include <standard_disclaimer.h> 301-286-9958 ISTJ -REM

info starlight

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Feb 7, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/7/00
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"robert lindsay" <rlin...@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov> wrote in message
news:IuHn4.20308$n8.5...@newscene.newscene.com...

> In article <kibo-04020...@kibo.std.com>,
> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> >
> >Ever notice that monkeys aren't intelligent enough not to poop in random
> >places, and yet they're just intelligent enough to be able to rip off
their
> >diapers every five minutes? God made monkeys just to annoy people.
> >And because he likes sitcoms. That's why he invented the monkey,
> >the propeller beanie, and the tricycle.
>
> I hear ChimChim: The next generation will feature a propeller beanie
> powered by robot bees and a tricycle with a talking computer.

Damn you all. Chimpanzees love cigars! If you want to get a
chimp to do what you want, you must bribe them with cigars!
They smoke more stogies than Jim Belushi.

Francesco Benvenuto

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Feb 8, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/8/00
to
In article <b5hp9so15l5dcgelq...@4ax.com>,
Ben Wolfson <rumju...@home.com> wrote:

>No, if someone lost a nose it would be very funny. See practically
>anything by Nikolai Gogol, but especially "The Nose".

Yeah, I wasn't able to finish reading "Dead Souls" since I kept rolling on
the floor laughing all the time. And Taras Bul'ba was great fun also,
especially the part where he kills his son.

--
fB "Death strikes a lifeless world"

Ted Frank

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Feb 9, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/9/00
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In article <1e5jpkk.davdat1aq3fnvN@[192.168.200.201]>,

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> I like that we're not making
> fun of Gloria Allred because
> none of us know who she is
> even though she's all famous
> and stuff.

Don't get me started.

James Kibo Parry

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Feb 10, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/10/00
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Carlos Froggy May (fro...@neosoft.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:

> >
> > l'AFP wrote:
> > >
> > > West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James
> > > Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits,
> > > filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria
> > > Allred said. [...]
> > > The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails
> > > for candy. Ortiz is suing.
>
> KiboChimp wants ALL THE FINGERTIPS IN THE WORLD.

Also I'm going to mistake Sheryl Ortiz' last name for Orbitz.

MMM! FUCSIATROGENICALLY GRAPELNEIGHBORBERRY NAILICIOUS!

> > [...]
> >
> > Rule of thumb:
>
> HAW HAW! ...I don't get it.

Waah! You're making fun of me for a lame joke I made by ACCIDENT!

Please go back to making fun of the lame jokes I make on purpose!

-- K.

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