The Big Explaining (3 of 3)
James Kibo Parry
> Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:19:12 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> [...]
>
> As I used to say about Matt & Samantha's Anne Geddes picture before I
> yanked it off their bathroom wall, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABIES ON THE BOTTOM?"
The photo (which was there when they moved in) was of a row of five unhappy
babies (in tight-fitting rubber bathing caps) peering over the side of an
old-fashioned bathtub that was much too tall for them unless there was
a second layer of babies underneath.
> I keep thinking Anne Geddes should get together with William Wegman
> and produce hundreds of identical photos of sad-looking dogs dressed
> as unhappy babies dressed as sad-looking dogs. Also throw in Louis Wain
> so the dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs will really be
> dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs dressed as cats who are on fire
> in the fourth dimension. And add just a pinch of M.C. Escher so that
> they can all be falling down the stairs in different directions at
> the same time. Oh, and add in a Matthew Paris drawing so that in the
> background there can be a knight with super-skinny legs, a tiny squire
> and a horse with really great hair.
photos of babies in humiliating outfits,
usually dressed as insects or vegetables ------------> Anne Geddes
photos of dogs in outfits that would humiliate them
if dogs were capable of humiliation -----------------> William Wegman
paintings of hallucinations of nine-dimensional
rainbow-colored cats spitting flame at you ----------> Louis Wain
engravings of staircases that defy the laws
of logic and aren't drawn by Piranesi ---------------> M.C. Escher
prominent medieval watercolor artist who had lots
of fun with the relative sizes of things to show
different degrees of importance ---------------------> Matthew Paris
> And right now, I just heard that Mr. Rogers died, so put him in too so
> that the tiny squire can be on top of a giant castle made from an
> oatmeal can painted blue, while a guy in a sweater spies on the palace
> intrigue through a trolley tunnel.
guy who knew how to be really surreal without
ever disturbing children ----------------------------> Fred Rogers
> Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:22:48 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> [...]
>
> What if Matthew Paris and Maxfield Parrish switched places? I think it
> would go something like this:
>
> (sound of a lot of Crusaders fighting hippies)
I'd just like to say that I've studied the style and linework of one of
those two artists in great detail, and the Crusaders have crushed the
hippies. TAKE THAT, ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM!
> And then there was the time I invented a gun that caused Rip Torn to
> be Rip Taylor, and vice versa. I tested it during the middle of
> an episode of "The Larry Sanders Show":
>
>
> GARRY SHANDLING
> Do you think that woman from the network thinks my ass looks big?
>
> RIP TORN
> What that bitch needs is a good kick in the nuts! That's how I
> dealt with Lucille Ball, and that's --
>
> (ZAPPING NOISE)
>
> RIP TAYLOR
> (holding up a telegram with a noose wrapped around it)
> Look! A wire hanger! It's a *WIRE* *HANGER*!
> (he holds up a baby grand piano dressed as a corporate executive)
> Look! Baby on board! *BABY* on *BOARD*! Get it?
>
> GARRY SHANDLING
> Hey, didn't you used to be evil in a funny way, instead of being
> not-funny in an evil way?
>
>
> ...but that project was abandoned because, unlike the Matthew Paris /
> Maxfield Parrish switcheroo, it wouldn't improve the world of
> fine art prints. I'm still working on an orbital space laser that
> can turn William Wegman into Wil Wheaton, so that his dogs won't
> look so bored.
Rip Taylor is that "comedian" who likes to throw confetti while screaming
and doing more or less the same stuff as Carrot Top, except much gayer
(but not as gay as the other guy with the same name as Carrot Top) but,
of the three, Rip Taylor has the biggest orange glam wig. I think they
turned him down for the role of the Mad Hatter on "Batman" because he
was too campy.
Rip Torn is a very talented actor who had a great character on
"The Larry Sanders Show" (which also featured the not-Carrot-Top
Scott Thompson.) Rip Torn had a Rip Taylor wig when he was in one
of the "Airplane" movies just to confuse everyone, including Batman.
Wil Wheaton is some guy who was on "Star Trek". He is wholly unrelated
to "seaQuest" in any way, and therefore can be held above reproach, and
is not to be confused with the cheap imitation of his "Star Trek" character
who hung out with the talking dolphin. However, Wil Wheaton did appear
in a German TV pilot for something called "Mr. Stitch", where he
had pink and tan and brown patches painted all over his body, just like
one of Dom DeLuise's sons on "seaQuest", so forget the "above reproach"
part. He's just as tightly connected to "seaQuest" as Barbara Bain or
Barry Van Dyke, if not more so.
"Mr. Stitch" was created by Roger Avary, who co-wrote the brilliant
"Pulp Fiction". The movie in which John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson
have the most brilliant dialogue about hamburgers ever.
> [...] I'm sure Bob Keeshan
> only had Slim Goodbody on his
> show because someone was holding
> a gun to Bunny Rabbit's head.
Slim Goodbody is this guy who looked sort of like Richard Simmons only
with a longer face and somehow managed to have just as much wacky
exuberance without seeming as gay as Richard Simmons, Rip Taylor,
or that talking dolphin. He taught kids about nutrition and exercise
and not doing drugs by prancing around in a flesh-colored unitard with
intestines drawn on the outside of it. He appeared frequently on
"Captain Kangaroo" (which also featured Bunny Rabbit) and his name
is John Burstein (he's still doing it) which leads to the inescapable
conclusion that if Wil Wheaton were to parade around with various
colors of internal organs drawn all over him, it would be a show
called "Bunny Rabbit Slim's", featuring Steve Buscemi dressed as
Buddy Holly, and Patrick Stewart as Emil Sitka, J. Edgar Hoover, or
Rondo Hatton, whichever would be funnier.
I forget whether Bunny Rabbit or Mr. Moose was the one who kept
tricking Captain Kangaroo into saying the magic words that would
cause a bucket of Ping-Pong balls to be dumped on his head by
a stagehand. My memories of "Captain Kangaroo" are somewhat hazy.
I remember liking the show a lot when I was little, but it's
not burned into my brain the way "Sesame Street" was, probably
because "Captain Kangaroo" didn't break my brain the way some of
the more disturbingly surreal head humor on "Sesame Street" did.
And I still can't find a seven-ounce Figgy Fizz bottle cap, even
on eBay.
> Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:23:42 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> Pugg (pug...@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > The reason I'm writing this is the smaller warning that I found on the
> > box, just below the CHOKING HAZARD! label:
> >
> > "Warning! Contains inedible, plastic baby!"
> >
> > Which means, of course, that somewhere out there somebody's been
> > baking King Cakes with EDIBLE, REAL BABIES!! Aiiieeeee!!
>
> The "edible, real baby" ingredient might not be in delicious Joker-colored
> King Cakes. It might be in some other product.
King Cakes are a Mardi Gras treat in New Orleans. They are covered in
purple and green and yellow goop, because those colors of frosting
symbolize bad taste without actually tasting bad. Every one has
a tiny plastic baby hidden inside and the luckiest person is the
one who breaks a tooth on it.
> [...]
> "There, now this contains TWO
> kinds of fish, not just scrod!"
"scrod" is a New Englandism for "haddock and/or cod, whichever is cheaper."
This is because when they tried being honest and labelling frozen food
"may or may not contain mystery fish of some sort, even we don't know
what we've been slicing up" it didn't sell.
> Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:26:14 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: Mr. Rogers memories
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> [regarding Anthony Perkins...]
>
> Especially if this was right after he'd been in that dumb-ass Disney
> sci-fi movie where he got killed by the robot with propellers for hands,
> before the big swirly toilet flush thing made the bouncy red rubber
> ball chase people down the corridors while the robot quoted Oscar Wilde
> and nobody noticed the giant strings holding most of the characters up.
That's "The Black Hole".
The seaQuest went through "an underwater black hole" in one or three
episodes.
> -- K.
>
> Now, if Tony Perkins had a
> kids' show, that would come
> straight from the Obvious Bag,
> where his neighbors would
> be his "mother" and some
> hand puppets made from
> taxidermied birds. But instead
> of the Bernard Herrmann music,
> it would just be Joe Raposo
> on a kazoo.
Bernard Hermann composed the "Psycho" music, and Joe Raposo did most
of the "Sesame Street" and "Electric Company" music that was so perky
that it's still lodged in your head thirty years later. Except for me,
because I have "the crowd roars, Bobby scores, groovin' all week with you!"
"Sunday, Monday, hockey days... Tuesday, Wednesday, hockey days..."
AUGH! CANADA HAS GIVEN ME BRAIN DAMAGE!
CADILLAC, ROCKING CHAIR, CANADA!
HELP ME, HARRY STINSON!
> Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:44:24 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: confession
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> "Lleah" (leah...@attbi.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > I like the fact that all kinds of people waft through a.r.k. and some stay a
> > long time and some don't, and some wander. I like that sometimes the
> > conversations are silly, like one of the first posts I ever read, and I like
> > how sometimes it just degenerates into choruses of "HAW HAW!" or "PLORK!"
> > and I like how even sometimes it just gets bitchy, like a bunch of people
> > stuck in a log cabin in the middle of Ketchikan, surviving off of canned
> > asparagus and graham crackers for nine months, and the asparagus is bulging
> > and the graham crackers are all broken.
>
> ...and the poster of Fat Freddy's Cat has started falling apart, and
> then turned into a Garfield poster, and then before you know it we
> realize we're still living in ancient Rome and all of history was
> an illusion, especially the part about there being posters of
> Fat Freddy's Cat.
Philip K. Dick's short story "I Hope I Shall Arrive Soon" concerned a
guy who was frozen and suffered brain damaged that only permitted him
to be put into a defective virtual reality where his poster
Fat Freddy's Cat (from Gilbert Shelton's comic strip, "The Fabulous
Furry Freak Brothers") kept disintegrating, along with the rest of
the Universe (which pretty much happened in every good Dick story.
Whenever he didn't have an ending, he just made the whole Universe
crumple up in a creepy manner.)
> I actually ran into someone (well, walked past someone) on the street
> last week who had Phil Dick's exact paranoid-schizophrenic delusion --
> he was talking to himself loudly about how reality was an illusion and
> we were still living in ancient Rome.
In real life, Phil Dick apparently had enough paranoid schizophrenia that
he had hallucinations that the people (or aliens or God) beaming thoughts
into his brain were concealing that the Roman Empire never fell.
He would start writing himself notes in what he thought was Demotic Greek,
would worry endlessly about the meaning of nonsense words that came
into his brain from wherever (like the name "Aramchek".)
I know there are a lot of people who believe history is all made-up
(like Gary Kasparov) but when someone can actually see the Romans who
are chasing them, they're gone from the state of "Kasparov stupid"
to the realm of "Dick crazy".
Phil Dick managed to write lots of great stuff (and lots of terrible stuff)
while battling both insanity and amphetamines. He and Louis Wain
(the flaming cat guy) have always impressed me with their ability to
distance themselves from their hallucinations enough to use them in
their art.
The question is, what's Anne Geddes smoking? And what do I do if I'm
getting the nonsense words AND the "Happy Days" theme song in my head?
> I did not try to pester him, mainly because I had left my helmet at
> home under some books because I was trying to straighten out a bend
> in the big scrub brush.
That reminds me, I need to take it out and check it.
> > So the other day Kibo said he'd come back and post some more.
> > I think he's been busy. I know I've been busy and this is why
> > I've been gone and also out of touch with everyone in the known
> > universe for so long!
>
> Then how do you know I was gone? Which I wan't. I was just posting
> under my secret other name, which was in either Ancient Roman Language
> or Something I Think Is Demotic Greek, such as "Valis", "Ubik", or
> "Fat Freddy". But I won't tell you what my Secret Other Name was
> since then I'd just have to translate it into English.
I think I've said too much.
Also, I'm not quite ready to tell you why I've been busy, but you'll
find out soon. (It's not like I haven't leaked plenty of clues,
some of them even in English.)
> Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 00:36:53 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> [...]
> What's a 21-letter word meaning
> "gummikrankenschwester"?
"Gummikrankenschwester" is a very long, awkward German word for the
conveniently short English phrase, "woman dressed as a nun working as
a nurse except wearing nothing but shiny latex as she disciplines
men who have been naughty and can afford to pay for this special
service. No weirdos."
Foreign languages have words for kinds of sex that English has yet to discover.
> Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 00:49:18 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> To: ki...@world.std.com
> Subject: Re: The War! I am mentioning... The War!
>
> [...]
>
> I have had Krispy Kremes and White Castles in the same day for the ultimate
> eating experience here in the United States Of Fast Food. I think the
> only way to top that in Canada would be to get takeout at a KFC in Ottawa,
> walk across the bridge, and carry it into a PFK in Hull to make the
> francophones send for the language police when they see that the little
> cartoon Colonel Sanders on the bag isn't speaking French.
"PFK" = "Poulet Frite Kentucky". That and "Fruit-O-Long" are the two
translated American foods which fascinate me whenever I'm in Quebec.
As to whether I'm John Travolta or Samuel L. Jackson, I can't say,
although I have been using the phrase "Am I scratching YOUR surface?"
an awful lot lately. Now please pardon me while I do the Batusi.
> [...]
> Animals I hope to see Mounties
> riding while I'm in Canada:
> moose, reindeer, caribou,
> capricorn, and Choubidou.
capricorn: Mythical animal, like a mermaid except with a goat instead
of the maid.
Choubidou: Mascot of La Ronde (amusement park in Quebec) except that
I think he may have been discontinued now that they're part of the
Six Flags system (which has Warner Brothers characters like Batman and
Fred Flintstone.) Choubidou looked a lot like Muzzy (from those French-
language instructional tapes for children, sold on TV late at night)
crossed with Cosmo (mascot of the Galaxyland amusement park in Alberta)
which I suppose makes sense because if you cross France with Canada
you get Quebec.
I don't know how they got the "human puck" mascot for the 67s, though.
Maybe Don Rickles got crossed with a gummikrankenschwester.
> Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 02:37:28 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: more more more
> Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
>
> Two weeks ago (it took me a while to comprehend writing of this complexity),
> Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtsto...@worldnet.att.net) wrote in sci.physics:
> >
> > Bill Vajk wants to know about the battery. He is a slime battery.
> > A slime battery runs on slime. The slime creates slime electricity.
> > The slime electricity runs around through the slime getting the slime
> > to create more slime. The little slime keeps creating more slime.
>
> [...]
>
> [...]
>
> [...]
>
> But what's your take on Slurm?
Slurm: Fictional beverage from the series "Futurama".
"Futurama": If "The Simpsons" were "The Flintstones", "The Jetsons" would
be "Futurama", and Choubidou would be Cosmo.
> Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:18:31 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> [...]
> -- K.
>
> Handy tip: You can make your own
> Space Food Sticks by following the
> recipe for homemade Tootsie Rolls,
> except make them softer and grosser
> by blending in some of that runny
> peanut butter from the third quadrant
> of a Necco SkyBar.
>
> Or, if you have that delusion that
> we're living in ancient Rome, just
> soak a Tootsie Roll in liquamen.
Space Food Sticks were a Tootsie Roll-like product sold in the 1960s and
1970s. They were peanut butter fudge bars which were marketed as a
nutritional supplement despite obviously being (bad) candy, a forerunner
of all those things like PowerBar and Ensure and green magic markers for CDs.
In the future, every society will have its own soft drink. We have Coke,
in the future they will have Slurm. But in the past, every culture had
its own condiment. America has been using ketchup, India has curry sauce,
China has soy sauce, and so on. Ancient Romans cooked everything in
a sauce called "liquamen" which is perhaps the most revolting substance
possible (rivalling even the third quadrant of the SkyBar.) It was
just rotten fish guts. Now, I know you've heard about lutefisk and the
various fish sauces used in Asia, but trust me, liquamen is worse.
This is why you don't want to wake up from the delusion that we're
not living in ancient Rome. The food here is quite vile. The dinner
parties are kind of fun, though, as long as you get in line for the
vomitorium before it fills up.
> Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 20:07:38 -0500
> From: James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com)
> Subject: Re: confession
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
>
> [...]
>
> The continuity problems with real life are merely signs that reality
> is all fake, and we're actually not really here, we're in ancient Rome,
> and it's time to jump up and down on Vedius Pollio's glasses if he's
> going to show us his aquarium anyway. See? Now it all makes perfect sense!
Upper-class Romans spent most of their time throwing big dinner parties for
each other. (They would bring their own napkins, because that gave them a
convenient way to wrap up a bunch of food on the way out.) P. Vedius Pollio's
idea of dinner entertainment was slightly crueler than some of the other
Romans: He had a pool with biting eels in it because he couldn't find any
other critters that could rip a slave apart fast enough for his amusement.
Once, he had invited the emperor to dinner (Augustus, if I remember correctly)
and one of the slaves broke a glass, so Pollio ordered the slave thrown to
the eels, but the emperor was merciful and decreed that the slave should not
only be set free, but should get to smash all of Pollio's glasses.
Thus endeth the lesson.
-- K.
P. Vedius Pollio was in the business
of selling amphorae, so I imagine that
he could afford new glasses anytime an
emperor was rude enough to show mercy
to a slave.
Stacia
>> As I used to say about Matt & Samantha's
Every time Kibo mentions Matt and Samantha, I wonder just why he thinks
he's a cast member of "Bewitched" and if he's joking or if he's really
gone off the deep end this time. Eventually I realize that "Bewitched"
starred Samantha and a couple of Darrins and Kibo isn't insane, much,
except when he thinks Agnes Moorehead is his e-mail OS.
>> And then there was the time I invented a gun that caused Rip Torn to
>> be Rip Taylor, and vice versa. I tested it during the middle of
>> an episode of "The Larry Sanders Show":
I just saw Rip Torn in another fine Z-grade movie he's lent his name to,
"Robocop 3". It was particularly pathetic because you could tell that Rip
Torn's scenes were done separately from the rest of the filming - the film
quality was so different, it was as though they had a dark lens on poor
Rip. And he was the only person in any of his shots, so you got the
impression that Rip was suffering from the heartbreak of stinky armpits
and no other Z-grade actors would go near him.
>> (he holds up a baby grand piano dressed as a corporate executive)
>> Look! Baby on board! *BABY* on *BOARD*! Get it?
I love Rip Taylor, and my love turned to respect when he called Jim
Morrison a "lounge singer" in "Wayne's World". It's always nice to hear a
be-touped celebrity agree with something I'd thought for years.
>Rip Torn is a very talented actor who had a great character on
>"The Larry Sanders Show" (which also featured the not-Carrot-Top
>Scott Thompson.) Rip Torn had a Rip Taylor wig when he was in one
>of the "Airplane" movies just to confuse everyone, including Batman.
He actually had a modified version of the reddish-brown "Airplane! 2"
wig in "Robocop 3". It was less unkempt and they dyed his 'stache to
match.
>And I still can't find a seven-ounce Figgy Fizz bottle cap, even
>on eBay.
As a kid, the two neatest things ever were the rock with the
glowy-stones on "Lost in Space", and Bert's bottle cap collection. I had
a fascination with objects with shiny, candy-like buttons. My theory is
that this messed-up childhood is why I like computers so much. If only
the keypads were designed by Sid and Marty Kroftt!
>Also, I'm not quite ready to tell you why I've been busy, but you'll
>find out soon. (It's not like I haven't leaked plenty of clues,
>some of them even in English.)
Matt McIrvin won't tell, either, so don't anyone waste your time asking
him. But I hope Kibo's busy-ness is not at all related to all the wire,
keychain, and lobster claw purchasing he's been doing lately.
* * *
Stacia * sta...@world.std.com * http://world.std.com/~stacia/
"Hiding in my USENET, safe within my Obvious Bag.
I amuse no one and no one amuses me."
Pugg
> [...]
I, for one, WELCOME our new metallic crustacean overlords!!
pugg
--
madge
But did not mention once, Richard Brautigan. Is this a faction thing?
--
I've been very careful not to do anything unkosher, daring, or cool.
--James ``Kibo'' Parry
madge
I do not want the crabs.
(I know , cheap joke but I'm volunteering for morale officer of this
platoo<<<<<< cartoo<<<<<< eh newsgroup thingy. (I wear my boy scout
class clown proficiency badge with pride).
Theresa Willis
(Stacia) wrote:
>
> Matt McIrvin won't tell, either, so don't anyone waste your time asking
>him. But I hope Kibo's busy-ness is not at all related to all the wire,
>keychain, and lobster claw purchasing he's been doing lately.
Sounds like he's decorating for a wedding.
--%
talysman
> As a kid, the two neatest things ever were the rock with the
> glowy-stones on "Lost in Space", and Bert's bottle cap collection.
rock with glowy stones?
I don't remember that, unless you meant "Land of the Lost".
those rocks ROCKED!
when I was a kid, I got a sesame street activity book that had a
"tear on the dotted lines and assemble yourself" bert and ernie
house that included a tiny bottle cap collection.
you are now jealous of me.
Tim Chmielewski
news:6m4i7vsnhr0teq7o1...@4ax.com:
Not really on the topic, but can anyone please tell me why XNews thinks any
followups to Kibo's 'three part' posts are displayed like multipart
binaries? It's so annoying.
Thanks.
--
My Tomorrow Series & Hong Kong Movie Reviews Site
http://members.dcsi.net.au/chuma/
Pugg
> As a kid, the two neatest things ever were the rock with the
>glowy-stones on "Lost in Space", and Bert's bottle cap collection.
So last night I dreamed that I went grocery shopping at Leha's
Imaginary Supermarket which had, just outside, a bank of those
crap-dispensing vending machines. You know, the kind that used to
promise you tiny calculators, video games and "Other Fine Prizes"
except those "Other Fine Prizes" always turned out to be a superball
encrusted with glitter or a sharpened tin pendant and you ALWAYS got
those no matter how many quarters you put in. I say "used to" because
nowadays they're all filled with Homies(tm) figurines.
Anyway, this bank of CDVMs had, right next to the Homies(tm) machine,
a machine that dispensed nothing but Figgy Fizz bottle caps. Thinking
to myself, "Wow, Stacia would really like one of those!" I plunked my
fifty cents into the machine. Alas, even though I could still see
several plastic bubbles inside the machine, nothing came out when I
cranked the handle. I went inside to complain, but Lleah just laughed
at me for being such a sucker.
So, I would have had an imaginary Figgy Fizz bottle cap for you (which
would make you cooler than Kibo, who doesn't even have a non-imaginary
one) but Lleah was a big m33nie.
And that's my story.[CURTAIN]
pugg
--
Stacia
>> As a kid, the two neatest things ever were the rock with the
>>glowy-stones on "Lost in Space", and Bert's bottle cap collection.
>Anyway, this bank of CDVMs had, right next to the Homies(tm) machine,
>a machine that dispensed nothing but Figgy Fizz bottle caps. Thinking
>to myself, "Wow, Stacia would really like one of those!" I plunked my
>fifty cents into the machine.
THAT IS SO SWEET! Much sweeter than the engagement ring Kibo's making
out of electrical wire and lobster claws.
But it's also really sad when you've been on ARK so long that you start
dreaming about it. Although I did have a dream about Kibo's apartment
once, and the dream apartment was just like the way I picture his place
every time he complains that his bitter gourd plant is taking over.
Except there was some sort of laundry emergency in this dream, and also
Kibo wore a toque constantly, even indoors, which I thought was tres rude.
>cranked the handle. I went inside to complain, but Lleah just laughed
>at me for being such a sucker.
That's just like Leah. No, it's more like Terri. But since we're all
three the same person, it works out in the end.
>So, I would have had an imaginary Figgy Fizz bottle cap for you (which
>would make you cooler than Kibo, who doesn't even have a non-imaginary
>one)
I am so not cooler than Kibo. An imaginary dream Figgy Fizz bottle cap
wouldn't help, even if I wore it on my head like that creepy kid in 1950s
Coke ads.
>but Lleah was a big m33nie.
We should stop calling them Leah Fries and start caling them Freedom
Fries, because she's such a big meanie.
* * *
Stacia * sta...@world.std.com * http://world.std.com/~stacia/
"I've got all these jackboots and no worlds to crush."
James 'Kibo' Parry
John McHugh
[...snip long explanation of posts from earlier this year...]
I would like to thank Mr. Parry for being so considerate and
breaking his "big explaining" in to three parts.
All too often inconsiderate persons post horribly long screeds
that are too long for my crappy news reader to handle. (YANOFF,
just in case you were wondering.)
Thank you, Mr. Parry, for not making me "Google" these comedic
gems.
Out of curiosity, is there anyone else using a handheld or
similar device to read USENET? I mean, sure the interface sucks,
I can't get a monospaced font for Joe Bay's pretty drawings, and
the line wrap breaks Kibo's signature, but now I can take you
imaginary people ANYWHERE!!! And there's nothing you can do
about it. Now get back in my pocket.
John McHugh
-----= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =-----
http://www.newsfeeds.com - The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
-----== Over 80,000 Newsgroups - 16 Different Servers! =-----
Kevin S. Wilson
wrote:
>Out of curiosity, is there anyone else using a handheld or
>similar device to read USENET? I mean, sure the interface sucks,
>I can't get a monospaced font for Joe Bay's pretty drawings, and
>the line wrap breaks Kibo's signature, but now I can take you
>imaginary people ANYWHERE!!! And there's nothing you can do
>about it. Now get back in my pocket.
Is that Kibology in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
--
Kevin S. Wilson
Tech Writer at a University Somewhere in Idaho
"You can safely ignore Kevin in order to
maximise life's experience." --A. Loon, in alt.religion.kibology
David DeLaney
>Out of curiosity, is there anyone else using a handheld or
>similar device to read USENET? I mean, sure the interface sucks,
>I can't get a monospaced font for Joe Bay's pretty drawings, and
>the line wrap breaks Kibo's signature, but now I can take you
>imaginary people ANYWHERE!!! And there's nothing you can do
>about it.
You mean, like an abacus, or Etch-a-Sketch? No, no, nobody would ever...
> Now get back in my pocket.
...have ANY reason to do anything like that.
Dave "live str33ming ARK p0rn gif5 27 hrs/day d00d" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
James Kibo Parry
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And then there was the time I invented a gun that caused Rip Torn to
> > be Rip Taylor, and vice versa. I tested it during the middle of
> > an episode of "The Larry Sanders Show":
>
> I just saw Rip Torn in another fine Z-grade movie he's lent his name to,
> "Robocop 3". It was particularly pathetic because you could tell that Rip
> Torn's scenes were done separately from the rest of the filming - the film
> quality was so different, it was as though they had a dark lens on poor
> Rip. And he was the only person in any of his shots, so you got the
> impression that Rip was suffering from the heartbreak of stinky armpits
> and no other Z-grade actors would go near him.
That was one of those very special movies which was released before
they finished filming it, like "Alien 3" and "Super Mario Brothers"
and especially "Tank Girl". In this case, it was only released because
the studio went bankrupt so they HAD to release their factory rejects
("RoboCop 3" had been sitting in the vault for about a year and a half.)
I wouldn't call "RoboCop 3" Z-grade because, hey, watch "Tank Girl".
But "RoboCop 3" was still around V- or W-grade.
You can tell it has pieces missing because it's full of plot points
that don't connect to anything (for instance, the girl with the laptop
computer programs the evil robot to obey her but then they never actually
have a big payoff for that, it just opens a door, no big fight scene
attached. A big deal is made out of RoboCop getting a jetpack, and
at the end of the movie we see him use it for about two seconds.)
I gather they filmed just enough of the money shots in order to make
the movie sort of releasable, so while it does have action scenes,
they're merely a few token shots of stuff happening, padded out with
endless scenes of people talking. And the continuity is all screwed
up, a sure sign of attempts to salvage a defective film -- watch
the ninja's broken jaw appear and disappear from shot to shot.
Who the hell thought it would be impressive to have RoboCop fight
a freakin' ninja? Why was RoboCop to stupid to figure out that he
could just blow up the ninja, other than that they made the mistake
of trying to aim this movie at children when we know that the real
Paul Verhoeven brand RoboCop would have just blown up twelve city
blocks to take out the ninja along with assorted other people?
Oh, and I'd like to add, the Band family's "RoboJox" (eventually released
under the title "Robot Jox" to avoid a trademark lawsuit) is actually
better than "RoboCop 3" even though it's quite stupid and has a flying
car made entirely from folded cardboard and there's the alleged Russian
guy who yells "I WEEL KRUSH YIEW, LIYEK BUGGG!" during the thrilling
futuristic competition to see who can climb to the top of monkey bars
that a shaking camera is looking at. But the Band family gets a
brownie point for filming the whole movie before releasing it, unlike
"RoboCop 3".
And then there's "The Core", which has now missed three or four release
dates, because the studio thought the special effects needed reworking,
or they wanted to change the premise, or they have to decide what to do
about the scene of the Space Shuttle crashing, or they thought people
weren't in the mood to see a bad movie. You can tell what time of year
it is by which of the various trailers for "The Core" gets aired then
yanked -- last fall I kept seeing the one about how Earth was "overdue"
for a magnetic pole reversal and now I'm getting the one about how some
sort of secret earthquake-producting weapon is "out of control"
(you know, as opposed to those tightly-controlled earthquakes.)
Posters started appearing about two years ago and keep resurfacing.
So it remains to be seen precisely what will be left of the movie by
the time they release it, assuming they ever do. Unless, of course,
the people who are writing the trailers haven't seen the movie and
are just guessing at random premises every time this stinker almost
gets released. But I'm fully expecting it to be defective in some
major way due to all this foot-dragging and tinkering by the studio.
> > And I still can't find a seven-ounce Figgy Fizz bottle cap, even on eBay.
>
> As a kid, the two neatest things ever were the rock with the glowy-
> stones on "Lost in Space", and Bert's bottle cap collection. I had
> a fascination with objects with shiny, candy-like buttons. My theory is
> that this messed-up childhood is why I like computers so much. If only
> the keypads were designed by Sid and Marty Kroftt!
Ah, so you're the target audience of that Jolly Rancher commercial.
-- K.
I should say something stupid here, but I won't
because this morning I ran out of stupid.
James Kibo Parry
>
> John McHugh (j_mc...@excite.com) wrote:
> >
> > Out of curiosity, is there anyone else using a handheld or
> > similar device to read USENET? I mean, sure the interface sucks,
> > I can't get a monospaced font for Joe Bay's pretty drawings, and
> > the line wrap breaks Kibo's signature, but now I can take you
> > imaginary people ANYWHERE!!! And there's nothing you can do
> > about it.
>
> You mean, like an abacus, or Etch-a-Sketch? No, no, nobody would ever...
My new computer is the same size as and looks exactly like an albino
Etch-A-Sketch, except I think the Etch-A-Sketch had better ventilation.
I wanted one of those little Sony PictureBooks (the ones that look
like a small laptop computer with the top half of the screen cut off)
except that because this was an emergency replacement (my iBook broke
while I was in a weird country) I just got another (smaller, cheaper)
iBook so I could move all my stuff onto it and be up and running the
next day. (I don't expect to buy any more computers from Apple, even
if they do any more clever things like hiring that guy who invented
the Internet.)
Does it strike anyone else as suspicious that Al Gore became an Apple
board member the same say that George W. Bush pushed the button that
started blowing up Iraq? Do you think maybe Bush got confused between
"Iraq" and "iMac" and Compaq's "iPaq" and especially the Lite Brite-
powere computer from "Wonder Woman", "IRAC"?
Incidentally, today on the subway, there was a guy holding a piece of
brown cardboard with "FUCK BUSH" written sloppily across it. I looked
around to see if George W. Bush was also going towards Harvard on
the Red Line, but he wasn't there, so I guess he won't get the message
and stop the war instantly.
(sound of phone being dialed)
"Hello, Pentagon? This is George... We've gotta stop the war.
I saw a guy with a sign."
"What sort of sign, Mr. President?"
"All rectangular and stuff, and the letters were bigger than the
ones on TV. They looked like they were written with something."
"I see. But, Mr. President, I'm looking out one of the windows
here in the basement of the Pentagon, and I see a guy with a
large, shiny, professionally-made sign which says 'YAY BUSH!'
so it overrides you, Mr. President."
"Oh. Is it a real sign, with letters and words too?"
"Yes, Mr. President. And it even has an exclamation point."
"Well, if you say there's an explanation point, then I guess we
have to keep having the war."
"Excellent, sir. And one more thing... what subway train did you
say you were on?"
"The red one. Near that station that smells."
"Okay, just one moment... (sound of coordinates being typed into a
missile targeting system) Don't worry, Mr. President, that hippie
won't bother America again."
"Yay! But, and this is just a hypnotheatrical question, what if one
of those sneaky protesters tricked me into wearing a 'GIVE PEACE A
CHANCE' T-shirt? Would you have to nuke me too?"
"We'd consult Mr. Cheney, Mr. President."
"Oh, that's all right then. By the way, how did the Pentagon get
its name? What's it named after?"
"Itself, Mr. President."
"But I thought _I_ was named after _myself_."
"That's different, Mr. President."
(The conversation continues for several more hours, because
political humor is so easy to write, especially when it's as profound
as this.)
So, that's why protesters are silly.
-- K.
My position on any political matter
is determined entirely by what the
sloppy cardboard signs say. If someone
waved a "VOTE FOR THE BLUE M&M" sign in
my face, I'd run right out and vote for
there to be nothing but brown M&Ms.
Matt McIrvin
Theresa Willis <tdwi...@earthlink.net> wrote:
The question is just whether he's decorating for his wedding, or YOURS.
Kibo mentioned years ago that as the leader of his own cult he had the
power to marry anyone he wanted to Bob Hope. Actually, after Kibo was
dissolved in acid and rebuilt by a multiethnic street gang, his advanced
options for 2003 include Super Pursuit Matrimony, or the Hellbouquet,
in which, when nearly defeated, he spins around at great speed and
shoots marriage in all directions at everyone standing in his vicinity.
The result is a lot like the ending of a Shakespeare comedy except
without all the puns about horns. Or actually with all the puns about
horns only now they have rubber squeeze bulbs on them and are honked by
clowns. The clowns of marriage. If there is an odd number of people
then the one left over gets married to Honk, the lovable alien sidekick
from Sid and Marty Krofft's "Far Out Space Nuts."
I hope you're getting all this down.
I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in
the air.
http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
My Dean Martin impression is too bad to actually perform.
--
Matt McIrvin http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
Whose TITAN Elbow
berichtnieuws...news:kibo-20030...@10.0.1.2:
> I wanted one of those little Sony PictureBooks
I want a Picture Picture with all the factory tours of all the kinds of
factories.
--
``Although xylitol has a relatively long organic chemical history, the
first half of this century was rather eventless from xylitol's point of
view...'' -- Professor Kauko K. Mäkinen
N. Gergen
> In article <kibo-19030...@10.0.1.2>,
> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> : Ancient Romans cooked everything in a sauce called "liquamen"
> : which is perhaps the most revolting substance possible
> : (rivalling even the third quadrant of the SkyBar.) It was just
> : rotten fish guts.
>
> Oh, okay, you mean shiokara. Ask for it the next time you have
> Japanese.
I'm pretty sure he means something like nuoc mam. I think it's
significant that the first hit (in English) for both liquamen and
"nuoc mam" is from Montreal but I don't know how.
http://www.montrealfood.com/nuocmam.html
Key-aye-bow previously mentioned shiokara in:
<kibo-07010...@ppp0c021.std.com>
[re: "Iron Chef"]
-> Why don't they just skip all the chef stuff and let the memory serve
-> the pickled squid? And when are they going to show the episode with
-> Pink Lady Without Jeff?
...which made me laugh because shiokara is pink, but not as pink as
buttsteak, which to my knowledge has never been a theme ingredient on
"Iron Chef".
> A quick googling for "shiokara" reveals an amazingly bowdlerized
> description of the stuff at:
>
> http://www.gourmed.gr/gourmet-glossary/food-and-drinks/show.asp?gid=31
>
> It also has the word "gourmet" near it, which is a blatant lie
> because shiokara is possibly the most anti-gourmet food on the
> planet, even if you make the less disgusting version from urchins.
That last assertion is... well... so contradictory and stuff. And don't
you mean konowata, made from holothurians?
Personally, I think shiokara has a complexity akin to a well aged
cheese. And in _A Dictionary of Japanese Food_, Richard Hosking
describes it as:
"[S]alt-cured preserve of fish, mollusks, and their entrails. After
pickling in salt, the protein of the seafood undergoes a process of
maturation, resulting in particularly tasty combinations of amino
acids."
The only thing I find disturbing about it are the little purple dots
on the skin of the squid which remind me of flyspeck, those little
black dots sometimes found on the skin of apples which people used to
think were fly doots but actually turn out to be some kind of mold or
something.
I keep forgetting about the bag of shiokara that I have in the freezer,
but I'm afraid that if I open it, the power is going to go out for
three days again and that was the reason why I bought a fresh bag and
what I really need is TWO half-eaten bags of spoiled shiokara in the
freezer along with all the other rotten food in the fridge that's
at least reasonably inert until I take it out when it will become
DEADLY FOOD BOMBS and more dangerous than run-on sentences.
Rgds,
N. Gergen
--
"Dear Mr. Valenti,
I like your cheeks.
My home is made of adobe."
Pugg
say:
> -- K.
>
> My position on any political matter
> is determined entirely by what the
> sloppy cardboard signs say. If someone
> waved a "VOTE FOR THE BLUE M&M" sign in
> my face, I'd run right out and vote for
> there to be nothing but brown M&Ms.
Kibo makes baby David Lee Roth cry.
Darla Vladschyk
>I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in
>the air.
>
>http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
This is as phony as the photos GW will photoshop in order to show vast
stores of WMD once we have the oil fields secured and Saddam on ice.
I am surprised at you, Dr. McIrvin! Anyone with a cat knows that cats
do not "jump in the air" from that position, nor do they leap while
semi-holding a feather fluffer from the pet store!
Nice bed linens, by the way.
My compliments to your wifeal unit.
-=D=-
________________________________________
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof'
it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--- David Letterman
________________________________________
http://www.yougotta.com/Darla
________________________________________
Eli M. Balin
>it is by which of the various trailers for "The Core" gets aired then
>yanked -- last fall I kept seeing the one about how Earth was "overdue"
>for a magnetic pole reversal and now I'm getting the one about how some
>sort of secret earthquake-producting weapon is "out of control"
>(you know, as opposed to those tightly-controlled earthquakes.)
"The Core" is apparently about one of several probably-not-actually
disastrous things happening to the Earth's core and threatening all life
on the planet with Really Bad Things, thus prompting a rag-tag group of
misfits to fix things.
From the IMDB:
"Scientists discover that the Earth's core is about to stop
spinning. This will cause tremendous natural disasters, wiping out life as
we know it. A team of scientists is recruited in a crash project to send a
ship and bomb into the center of the Earth to prevent the catastrophe."
The inner core is 1500 miles in diameter and has a temperature of F7000.
Its mass is (according to "www.ldeo.columbia.edu/press_releases/
song/basic-facts.html") "100 million million million tons."
Yep. Bomb it. That'll help.
Also, it doesn't seem as if the core "spins," per se.
and from cinescape.com's "Development Heck" column:
"After decades of dumping our nuclear waste into the bowels of the
Earth, the planetary core reaches a critical state. It's up to a group of
"terranauts" piloting an experimental craft to break through the Earth's
mantle and repair the problem before the core superheats and destroys all
life on the surface."
100 million million million tons of stuff goes "critical" after what can't
be more than a few hundred tons of stuff is dumped into it.
Doesn't a "Terranaut" sound like something which would be portrayed by a
large-headed puppet with immobile legs and a helpful network of conveyor
belts and pneumatic lifts?
There is a review on imdb by a Danish guy who saw a premiere of this
cinematic treasure. Of the end, he says:
"One LeonardoDiCaprio-ish male and one CelineDion-like female
alone in the ship) are saved by the Whales and the Computer-Hacker-guy."
This movie seriously needs a chimp.
James Kibo Parry
and the purchasing and/or vending thereof]
Matt McIrvin (mmci...@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Theresa Willis (tdwi...@earthlink.net) wrote:
> >
> > Stacia (sta...@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Matt McIrvin won't tell, either, so don't anyone waste your time
> > > asking him. But I hope Kibo's busy-ness is not at all related
> > > to all the wire, keychain, and lobster claw purchasing he's been
> > > doing lately.
> >
> > Sounds like he's decorating for a wedding.
>
> The question is just whether he's decorating for his wedding, or YOURS.
>
> Kibo mentioned years ago that as the leader of his own cult he had the
> power to marry anyone he wanted to Bob Hope. Actually, after Kibo was
> dissolved in acid and rebuilt by a multiethnic street gang, his advanced
> options for 2003 include Super Pursuit Matrimony, or the Hellbouquet,
> in which, when nearly defeated, he spins around at great speed and
> shoots marriage in all directions at everyone standing in his vicinity.
> The result is a lot like the ending of a Shakespeare comedy except
> without all the puns about horns. Or actually with all the puns about
> horns only now they have rubber squeeze bulbs on them and are honked by
> clowns. The clowns of marriage. If there is an odd number of people
> then the one left over gets married to Honk, the lovable alien sidekick
> from Sid and Marty Krofft's "Far Out Space Nuts."
You forgot the part about snapping a hardened eggplant in half and the one
who gets the bigger piece also wins a free bonus marriage to every one of
the Replacement Potsies from the final nine seasons of "Happy Days".
> I hope you're getting all this down.
The question is whether we're keeping it down.
> I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in
> the air.
>
> http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
>
> My Dean Martin impression is too bad to actually perform.
He was terrible at telling puns about horns. But good with porn about huns.
-- K.
The phrase "rubber squeeze bulbs"
always seems like it should have
given Thomas Edison an idea to make
electric illumination kinkier.
Andrew J. Zimolzak
Matt McIrvin down the mighty alt.religion.kibology.
> I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in
> the air.
>
> http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
That's some of the weirdest motion blur I've ever seen. I can't
decide what's freakier: the blur or the claws on that cat. Is Radka
the one that actually gallops across the floor?
--
Andy Z.
If you want to seriously get into influencing the culture without
anybody knowing, you should get into font design. Your work is
everywhere and nobody even knows. --John Flansburgh
Andrew J. Zimolzak
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) down the mighty
alt.religion.kibology.
> You can tell what time of year it is by which of the various trailers
> for "The Core" gets aired then yanked -- last fall I kept seeing the
> one about how Earth was "overdue" for a magnetic pole reversal and
> now I'm getting the one about how some sort of secret earthquake-
> producting weapon is "out of control" (you know, as opposed to those
> tightly-controlled earthquakes.) Posters started appearing about two
> years ago and keep resurfacing.
This sounds like another manifestation of that famous theory "that
just as Xerox is really in the business of selling toner cartridges,
Sony is really in the little dongly power-supply business." I submit
that Hollywood was founded deliberately to create jobs for people who
wanted to make trailers for things.
Given the choice, I'd rather watch a good-ol' hoc-key game.
John D Salt
news:MPG.18e702868...@news.msu.edu:
> On Thu, 20 Mar 2003 22:34:02 -0500, we took a little trip,
> along with Matt McIrvin down the mighty
> alt.religion.kibology.
>
>> I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a
>> cat jumping in the air.
>>
>> http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
>
> That's some of the weirdest motion blur I've ever seen. I
> can't decide what's freakier: the blur or the claws on that
> cat. Is Radka the one that actually gallops across the
> floor?
That's not motion blur, that's quantum superposition.
Don't you people know ANYTHIGN about cats?
All the best,
John.
Matt McIrvin
Andrew J. Zimolzak <zimo...@msu.edu> wrote:
> On Thu, 20 Mar 2003 22:34:02 -0500, we took a little trip, along with
> Matt McIrvin down the mighty alt.religion.kibology.
>
> > I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in
> > the air.
> >
> > http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
>
> That's some of the weirdest motion blur I've ever seen.
The camera was shaking a little because I was holding it with the
hand that was not holding the feather toy. The light was a combination
of ambient light and the flash, so there's a blurry picture superimposed
on a sharp picture.
> I can't
> decide what's freakier: the blur or the claws on that cat. Is Radka
> the one that actually gallops across the floor?
When she was very little she liked to jump with all four feet
simultaneously. Now she uses more ordinary leaping methods.
Xaonon
<mmci...@world.std.com> teithant i thiw hin:
> In article <MPG.18e702868...@news.msu.edu>,
> Andrew J. Zimolzak <zimo...@msu.edu> wrote:
>
> > On Thu, 20 Mar 2003 22:34:02 -0500, we took a little trip, along with
> > Matt McIrvin down the mighty alt.religion.kibology.
> >
> > > I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping
> > > in the air.
> > >
> > > http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
> >
> > That's some of the weirdest motion blur I've ever seen.
>
> The camera was shaking a little because I was holding it with the hand
> that was not holding the feather toy. The light was a combination of
> ambient light and the flash, so there's a blurry picture superimposed on a
> sharp picture.
From about the midsection up, this roughly fits my internal mental image of
a kzin. And those eyes! It looks like your cat is secretly plotting to
take over the world, or at least claw the hell out of someone's leg.
--
Xaonon, EAC Chief of Mad Scientists and informal BAAWA, aa #1821, Kibo #: 1
Visit The Nexus Of All Coolness (i.e. my site) at http://xaonon.dyndns.org/
You were an atheist. You were stridently aligned. You were poison resistant.
You were invisible. You were a werejackal. You were lucky. You are dead.
Adam
> I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in
> the air.
>
> http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg
That's a really interesting photo. I like it!