STORY (re-run): "Potsie: The Motion Picture"
James Kibo Parry
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It's not technically a story, it's a movie. No, wait, it's a film.
No, a Motion Picture! A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE E*V*E*N*T!!!
I started writing this at about 12:01 AM on December 24, 2000, and
did the final draft at 10:00 PM on the same day. That's why this movie
is only half an hour long.
I dedicate it to the late Billy Barty.
--- part one of two (it's too long to fit into one article) ---
POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE
a major Christmas release
coming to a theater near you!
but first, see it HERE!
ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
Ladies and gentlemen. Please do not be alarmed
when the screen goes black. It represents the time
before the Universe was formed.
(SCREEN GOES BLACK. A long pause. Then a little white dot appears.
It explodes in a fireball the size of the universe, and it is really loud.)
ANNOUNCER
(screaming over the din)
IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED MAN! AND NOW MAN DOES
GOD ONE BETTER BY CREATING "POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE"!
(OPENING CREDITS scroll backwards across the screen, accompanied
by eerie music and the sound of screaming howler monkeys.)
POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE
STARRING JIM CARREY AS POTSIE
DIRECTED BY BEN STILLER
WRITTEN BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY
ALSO STARRING JOHN TURTURRO AS JAMES "KIBO" PARRY
WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR JOHN MALKOVICH AS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
AND INTRODUCING SPOT AS HIMSELF
MUSIC BY DANNY ELFMAN, STONED
UNDERWEAR FURNISHED BY FRUIT OF THE LOOM
THIS MOVIE IS A PRODUCTION OF THE HOLLYWOOD STUDIO SYSTEM
* NO REFUNDS *
(SLOW FADE TO:)
INTERIOR BEETHOVEN'S RUSTIC COTTAGE, THE OLDEN DAYS
(In the olden days, LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN is talking to SPOT, a
small puppy. In the background is a grand piano with a bust of
Schroeder on it.)
BEETHOVEN
So, Spot, it appears I am to care for you while
your usual master is indisposed.
SPOT
Yeah. He fell in a well or something.
BEETHOVEN
Well?
SPOT
Yeah.
BEETHOVEN
Okay. These are the rules. Number one. Do not
ask me what to say. Number two. Never disturb me.
There are lots of other rules but you are never to
disturb me by asking what they are. You will be fed
if I am able to complete my new symphony ahead of
time due to your good behavior. Any questions?
SPOT
Yes --
BEETHOVEN
(interrupting)
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! There is no time for
questions! I must compose BEAUTIFUL MUSIC!
(BEETHOVEN throws a grand piano at SPOT. It goes "KABONGGGGGGG".)
BEETHOVEN
HAVE THE WENCHES BRING IN ANOTHER PIANO!
SPOT
(voiceover: inner monologue)
He's insane.
BEETHOVEN
I heard that! Stop beaming your evil puppy thoughts
into my brain! Be quiet and sit perfectly still!
(SPOT tries to sit perfectly still.)
BEETHOVEN
You breathe too loud! And make your hair stop
growing so fast!
SPOT
But I want to grow long hair! It would make me
look cool!
BEETHOVEN
No. Not one important person has ever had long hair.
SPOT
But, Jesus had long hair.
BEETHOVEN
Fine, when you can walk on water, then you can
grow your hair long. But until then don't pretend
you're as good a person as Jesus. You are not
allowed to compare yourself to Jesus in any way.
SPOT
But, I don't think I'm as good as Jesus --
BEETHOVEN
(interrupting)
I SAID NOT TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO JESUS IN ANY WAY!
SPOT
So, I am not allowed to have long hair because
Jesus had long hair and he was a good person?
BEETHOVEN
Exactly.
SPOT
Then can I wear my hair like Hitler? He was a
baaaad person.
BEETHOVEN
No! Bad persons are bad role models for you!
SPOT
So I can't wear my hear like good people or like
bad people?
BEETHOVEN
You have just lost your hair privileges, young
man! Take off your hair this instant!
SPOT
No. You ARE insane. And you're worse than
Hitler and so is your hair. I'm going to grow long
hair and there's nothing you can do about it.
You're not my father!
BEETHOVEN
THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM! DON'T COME OUT
UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU!
SPOT
But it's April.
BEETHOVEN
NO IT ISN'T! I'LL SAY WHAT MONTH IT IS! GO TO YOUR
ROOM UNTIL CHRISTMAS GOES AWAY AND DOESN'T COME BACK!
SPOT
Fine. Pinhead.
(SPOT exits. The CHORUS enters, carrying armloads of cream pies.)
CHORUS
Ten! Months! Later!
(They fall down a flight of stairs. SPOT comes out of his room,
now quite skinny, but with very long hair.)
SPOT
Can I come out yet?
BEETHOVEN
Be quiet! I am trying to swat this fly!
SPOT
I don't see any fly.
BEETHOVEN
That's because he's an IMAGINARY fly!
(BEETHOVEN hurls his latest piano against the wall. The piano
shatters into 88 pieces. The screen fills with flying piano keys.)
CUT TO:
INTERIOR VAUDEVILLE HALL, TURN OF THE CENTURY
(The CHORUS enters, carrying chocolate layer cakes.)
CHORUS
The year is! Nineteen! Fourteen!
(They fall down some stairs. The vaudeville comedy duo of
LUND and FUNT takes the stage. They are wearing baggy pants.)
LUND
I say, old chap.
FUNT
Yes, kind sir?
LUND
I wonder if I could trouble you to tell me what
time it is.
FUNT
It is not a time. It is a pronoun.
LUND
No, what time is it?
FUNT
No, it is a pronoun.
LUND
What time is it?
FUNT
It is a pronoun.
FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER
Stop the show! War has broken out!
SECOND AUDIENCE MEMBER
Hooray! War is stopping the show!
FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER
Look out, mustard gas!
(Yellow fog comes in through the window. Everyone coughs and
drops dead.)
CUT TO:
INTERIOR MOVIE STUDIO, 1940
(It is the set of "The Wizard Of Oz". The CHORUS enters,
carrying cream puffs.)
CHORUS
Twenty! Seven! Years! Later!
(They trip over MUNCHKINS and fall down the stairs.)
DIRECTOR
Okay, now let's shoot, um, how about a big dance
number. Judy, sing something about whales. No,
wait, make it about a rainbow.
JUDY GARLAND
(singing)
Somewhere, overrrr the raaaainbowwwww...
(The lights flicker for a second. There is a
crackling noise and a scream.)
DIRECTOR
Cut, cut, cut. This is all wrong. The guy
being electrocuted is supposed to be VISIBLE in the
frame behind her.
(Some MUNCHKINS wheel an electric chair into view. It is empty
but still smoldering.)
FIRST MUNCHIN
Sorry, boss.
SECOND MUNCHKIN
Hey, why are we executing condemned criminals in
the background of a big musical number?
DIRECTOR
Snap it up with that chair. Get someone
strapped in and let's roll.
FIRST MUNCHKIN
Sorry, boss.
SECOND MUNCHKIN
Send in the next member of the Condemned
Criminals Being Executed In Movies Guild!
(A CRIMINAL in a striped prison uniform is strapped into the
chair. The MUNCKINS, JUDY GARLAND, the GOOD WITCH, the SMELLY
SKUNK, and the EXTERMINATOR take their places for the musical
number. A RODEO CLOWN takes the controls of a movie camera.)
DIRECTOR
ROLL IT, CLOWN!
(JUDY GARLAND sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" while, behind
her, a CRIMINAL is electrocuted by MUNCHKINS. Also, a HOODED
MUNCHKIN pulls the lever which causes another CRIMINAL to be
hanged. Another MUNCHKIN shoots BILLY BARTY while making a
"Wizard Of Snuff" video. Assorted other sordid acts are being
performed in the distance. JUDY stops singing and turns around
to look at the various shocking things.)
JUDY GARLAND
Why did they kill Billy Barty? He was the best
midget ever!
DIRECTOR
Just ignore that. It's all part of the glamour
of Tinseltown.
JUDY GARLAND
Hey, those people in the back are having sex.
DIRECTOR
Yes, it's Potsie Senior and Mrs. Potsie Senior.
They are busy conceiving fetal Potsie before our eyes.
JUDY GARLAND
Ick! Gross! I'm going to become a lesbian so
I'll never have to give birth to Liza Minelli!
CUT TO:
INTERIOR ARNOLD'S DINER, THE LATE FIFTIES
(The CHORUS is carrying canoli.)
CHORUS
Eighteen! Years! Later!
(The FONZ pushes them down the stairs.)
FONZ
Ayyyy! Choruses are for nerds!
RALPH MALPH
Hey, Fonzie, am I a nerd?
FONZ
No, you're a SUPER NERD.
RALPH MALPH
Cool, does that mean I can fight crime and stuff?
FONZ
No, it means, why do I associate myself with
these losers? Adieu.
(The FONZ exits. POTSIE enters.)
RALPH MALPH
Hey, Potsie, guess what! The Fonz said I was
super! A super nerd, even!
POTSIE
Aw, gee. Why can't I be the super nerd?
RALPH MALPH
Cheer up, Potsie. At least now that we've got
jobs at that theater you can afford to buy
some underwear.
POTSIE
Yeah. I always wanted underwear.
(ARNOLD comes running into the room carrying a small television set.)
ARNOLD
Hey, lookie everyone! They just invent TV!
POTSIE
Cool, now we can see our commercial!
(ARNOLD turns on the TV. It shows a primitive test pattern.)
ARNOLD
Dig that crazy bar chart!
(ARNOLD exits.)
TV NETWORK ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
Ladies and gentlemen, the Standard Broadcasting
Corporation is now on the air. As of today, we
begin regular television broadcasting, beginning
with these commercials.
(The TV shows a vaudeville stage with spotlights moving back and forth.
Long drum roll as another announcer speaks:)
TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
They may be long dead, but the laughs live on!
Before the war, Benny Lund and Freddie Funt were the
comedy team of Lund & Funt! Now, you can see their
greatest comedy routines brought back to life with
Ralph Malph as Lund and Potsie as Funt!
(On TV, RALPH and POTSIE enter in baggy pants.)
RALPH
(on TV)
Would you like to buy a dead duck?
POTSIE
(on TV)
No, I would not like to buy a dead duck.
RALPH
(on TV)
Well, too late, I already killed it!
POTSIE
(on TV)
Why, you!
(They begin chasing each other around.)
TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
Lund and Funt were true masters of physical comedy!
(POTSIE is gagging as he tries to swallow RALPH's necktie.)
TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
And now, for the first time since the war, you
can see their most famous comedy routines, such as
"The Man Who Couldn't Stop Barfing", "The Queen's
Tapeworm", and "Oops, Baby Made Two Boom-Booms!"
See them while you eat at the Lund & Funt Dinner Theater!
TV DISCLAIMER ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
Food costs extra. Comedy may not be funny. May
contain Potsie.
POTSIE
Wow, neat! Not only did we get great jobs at
that dinner theater, but they put us in a TV
commercial!
RALPH
How did they put me in the TV commercial? I
wasn't there!
POTSIE
It's commercial magic, Ralph! Now let's
go to work!
RALPH
Potsie, we don't have to be there for another
three and a half minutes.
POTSIE
Oh, well, then that's enough time to play a song
on the jukebox. Hey, everybody, you're about to
listen to a song, on me!
(POTSIE puts a nickel into a jukebox and starts pushing numerous buttons.)
RALPH
Potsie, wait! You were supposed to use the
regular jukebox, not the radioactive one the mad
scientist left to Arnold's in his will!
(Sparks shoot out of the jukebox and lightning jumps from the tone
arm to POTSIE's head. His entire body begins to glow. His pants are
blown off, revealing his clean new underwear.)
POTSIE
Help me, Ralph! I am being irradiated by
this crazy juke box!
(RALPH unplugs it. Smoke is coming from POTSIE's ears and his hair
is messed up, looking like a cross between Jesus's and Hitler's.)
RALPH
Potsie, are you okay?
POTSIE
More than okay... I'm SUPER!
(POTSIE reaches up and tears Arnold's in half. He juggles the two halves,
while RALPH is still inside one.)
RALPH
Potsie, stop juggling everything and PUT ME DOWN!
POTSIE
No can do, Ralph! Now that I have super powers
granted by an evil jukebox I have a duty to commit
unspeakable acts of destruction for no reason
whatsoever!
RALPH
Potsie, you know you're not supposed to commit
unspeakable acts without a darn good reason!
POTSIE
Sorry, Ralph! All bets are off now that I'm
Super Evil Potsie! And screw dinner theater! I'm
going to perform my evil acts right here! First up,
I'm gonna make your uvula explode!
(RALPH's uvula explodes. ARNOLD hears the bang and comes running in.)
ARNOLD
What happen?
RALPH
(blood pouring from his mouth)
Ang ang ang annng ang angggg!
ARNOLD
I can't understand you. It's as if your uvula
explode! Tell me later.
(ARNOLD exits. RALPH moves to strangle POTSIE but POTSIE gestures
emphatically. RALPH is instantly changed into a large red stain on
the far wall.)
POTSIE
Gosh, I now have limitless God-like powers of
evil! I shall put my powers of evil to good use as
I kill everyone! But first, I need to plan ahead a
little... having a pair of underwear saved me from
certain exposure just now. If I had all the
underwear in the world, I'd be invincible! So first
I'll steal all the underwear in the world, then I'll
use my powers and underwear to destroy the world!
(He gestures again and a nuclear power plant appears on the horizon.
It explodes in a giant mushroom cloud. The shockwave causes a nearby
underwear store to be blown to bits, hurling several dozen pairs of
briefs into a pile at POTSIE's feet.)
POTSIE
I like being a Super Nerd!
--- continued next article ---
-- K.
Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry
so don't film "Potsie: The Motion Picture"
without paying off both me and Potsie.
James Kibo Parry
wrong order, in which case this is only the beginning.
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Here's the rest of the epic. I'll post it all on my Web site once you
people E-mail me about where the typos are.
--- continued from previous article, part two of two ---
CUT TO:
INTERIOR CHEAP CARDBOARD SET, LATE SIXTIES
(Three walls are made of cardboard, and the fourth is made of
semi-regularly stacked foam-rubber blocks. The CHORUS enters,
carrying armfuls of Linzer tortes.)
CHORUS
Ten! Years! Later!
(The CAMERA TILTS to the left, hurling them down some stairs.
BATMAN and ROBIN enter.)
ROBIN
Holy choral catastrophes, Batman!
BATMAN
Yes, Robin, we have just seen an example of what
happens when the balance of pastry is disrupted.
ROBIN
Gosh, yes!
BATMAN
Quick, Robin, look at that puppy!
(In a corner, SPOT is scratching himself.)
ROBIN
Holy mangy mongrels, Batman!
BATMAN
Robin, even if he is just a pathetic little
puppy who hasn't cut his hair in centuries, as
members in good standing of the Citizens' Veterinary
Squadron it is our duty to feed and bathe that
puppy, and to give it a crew cut.
SPOT
But I don't want a crew cut, Batman!
BATMAN
Wait! My sensitive, classically-trained ears,
honed by years of listening to Gilbert & Sullivan,
are sensing a faint noise!
(Everyone listens intently. There is complete silence for a moment,
then an ear-shattering crash as POTSIE smashes his way through the
wall of precariously-balanced foam rubber blocks.)
POTSIE
Arrrr! I'm Potsie! Look at me! I'm Potsie!
BATMAN
Quick, Robin, there's not a moment to lose --
hand me the Bat Potsie Repellent!
ROBIN
Holy idiotic plot devices, Batman! The very
idea that I would be carrying such a thing as 'Bat
Potsie Repellent' is not merely impossible, it is
insulting to my -- wait, here it is.
(ROBIN hands the can to BATMAN, who sprays it on POTSIE.)
POTSIE
Curse you and your Bat Potsie Repellent! Now I
have to leave until it wears off!
(POTSIE exits at a leisurely stroll.)
SPOT
What the heck is going on? And what does any of
this have to do with Christmas?
NEWSBOY
Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Spot not informed of plot!
Read all about it!
SPOT
Why, thank you, I will.
NEWSBOY
Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Dogs can't read!
SPOT
Oh, poo.
ROBIN
Batman, he just said a bad word!
BATMAN
Get him!
(A big fight scene ensues, during which onomatopoeia is flashed on
the screen. "ZOWIE!" "BLORCH!" "WOXWOX!" "PERTWEE!" But it is
interrupted by the entry of the CHORUS, carrying pumpkin pies.)
CHORUS
Ten! Years! Later!
CUT TO:
INTERIOR KIBO'S LIVING ROOM, MID-SEVENTIES
(KIBO, age nine, is watching "Match Game '76" on TV.)
LITTLE KIBO
I must memorize this so that someday I can say
something about it when I grow up.
GENE RAYBURN
(on TV)
Welcome to this special Bicentennial edition of
"Match Game '76"!
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
(on TV)
Look at me! I'm so gay!
LITTLE KIBO
(taking notes)
Charles Nelson Reilly... gay. Hmm, I wonder
what "gay" means. Oh well, the important thing is
that I now know everything about "Match Game '76"!
I predict the next answer will be "wee-wee"!
BRETT SOMERS
(on TV)
Wee-wee!
NIPSEY RUSSELL
(on TV)
Wee-wee!
POTSIE
(on TV)
Underwear!
LITTLE KIBO
Waah! Mommy, Potsie is ruining my favorite
TV show! Make him go back on "Happy Days"
or not say "underwear" on TV!
POTSIE
(on TV)
But, Kibo, it's appropriate because I have just
stolen your underwear!
LITTLE KIBO
But I didn't feel a thing!
POTSIE
(on TV)
That's because I replaced it with something
similar, but better! If you don't believe me,
take a look!
(KIBO unfastens his pants. POTSIE's head pops up from inside them.)
POTSIE
(inside Kibo's pants)
Hi! I'm Under-Potsie!
LITTLE KIBO
Waah! Mommy, I don't like my new Under-Potsie!
POTSIE
(on TV, waving Kibo's underwear around)
Ha ha, got your underwear! Now I'm going to add
it to my giant ball of underwear and someday I'll
have all the underwear in the world!
(KIBO turns to look directly into the camera.)
LITTLE KIBO
(very serious)
As of this day, I vow that I will dedicate the
rest of my life to preventing Potsie from stealing
underwear.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR "MATCH GAME '77" SET
CHORUS
One! Year! Later!
GARY BURGHOFF
Wee-wee!
FANNIE FLAGG
Wee-wee!
POTSIE
Underwear!
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
Hey, my underwear's gone!
POTSIE
Lots of people's underwear's gone! Look, here
are President Carter's tightie whities!
(He snaps the waistband of the President's underwear, hitting
CHARLES in the eye.)
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
You've blinded my eye, you grubby little nerd!
POTSIE
Aw, come off it, don't start with me, Charlie,
you forget that I have God-like powers!
AUTHOR OF STORY
(voiceover: inner monologue)
I almost forgot that too.
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
Oh yeah? Well, if you have arbitrarily mighty
powers, prove it!
POTSIE
Okay! When I snap my fingers, "Match Game '77"
will magically change to "Airport '77"!
(POTSIE snaps his fingers, hitting CHARLES in the other eye.
He then starts making airplane noises with his mouth.)
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
(now completely blind)
Oh no! It SOUNDS like we're on a jumbo jet
that's about to crash!
POTSIE
(speaking into the camera)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of
my brilliant deviousness which shall trick YOU out
of your underwear!
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
Wait, the jumbo jet noise stopped while you were
talking. I think you're faking it!
(POTSIE gestures and CHARLES is transformed into a small cube
of blue cheese. POTSIE crumbles it.)
SPOT
(wandering onto the set)
Excuse me, is this the line to see "Star Wars"?
POTSIE
Stupid puppy, you're not meant to be here!
SPOT
Yeah, well, neither are you! You're on the
wrong network! Go back to that show where you
played fifth banana to Fonzie!
POTSIE
That's it, I'm gonna nuke you, sucka!
(POTSIE waves his arms frantically but nothing happens.)
SPOT
Ha-ha! I am immune to your magic because I am a
puppy and therefore I don't wear underwear!
(BATMAN and ROBIN enter.)
BATMAN
Quick, Robin, take off your underwear!
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
I'm gayer than those two.
POTSIE
Spot, Batman, and friends, you can't stop me
now. I already have 90% of the underwear in the
world. For instance, look at this -- Mick Jagger's
last known underwear!
(He holds up a pair which haven't been worn in ages, and suddenly
there is a "BOINGGGG" noise and several PEOPLE DRESSED AS GIANT FRUIT
pop out of the waistband.)
APPLE
We're the Fruit Of The Loom guys!
GRAPE
I'm played by Richard Simmons!
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
I'm gayer than him!
GRAPE
Well, of course you are, dearie, I just PRETEND
to be gay because it would be a shame if Jay Leno
and David Letterman ran out of material!
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
I wish I'd thought of that. Then I could have
gotten Judy Garland pregnant and she would have
given birth to a version of Liza Minelli who kept
saying "wee-wee".
POTSIE
Put your alternative lifestyle away and let's get
back to the business at hand! Richard Simmons, I
claim your underwear in the name of evil!
GRAPE
You'll never get your hands on my underwear!
POTSIE
Won't I?
(POTSIE wiggles his nose and the GRAPE's underwear is yanked off and
floats in the air next to him. But there is another "BOINGGGG" and
more FRUIT PEOPLE pop out of the waistband. Then POTSIE steals their
underwear and dozens more FRUIT PEOPLE pop out of the waistbands.)
POTSIE
Begone, fruit people! I banish ye back to the
elastic from whence you came!
(POTSIE tugs his earlobe and the FRUIT PEOPLE vanish.)
BATMAN
But you still must defeat me, Potsie! You may
have super powers, but you forget, I am also a
super hero!
POTSIE
But you don't have any super powers!
ROBIN
Holy obvious fatal flaw in your plan, he's
right! I never thought of that!
BATMAN
Can I go now?
POTSIE
Yes, just leave your underwear at the door and
you can go back to the Batcave and have a good cry.
(BATMAN and ROBIN turn to leave.)
BATMAN
(on his way out)
You may have bested me in a fair fight, you
sleazy degenerate, but there is still one more
member of the Justice League who will never bend
to your whims -- Plastic Man!
(BATMAN exists as PLASTIC MAN enters.)
CHARLES NELSON REILLY
I'm definitely NOT as gay as HIM.
PLASTIC MAN
I can stretch faster than any underwear,
therefore you can't defeat me!
POTSIE
Too late! I have already defeated you before
you were born! You see, in 1943, when I was a
toddler, I accidentally burned down a Dow Chemical
lab, and as a result, plastic was never invented!
You don't exist!
(PLASTIC MAN, all TELEPHONEs and VCRs, ZIP-LOC BAGS, and CHARLES NELSON
REILLY'S HAIRPIECE disappear.)
SPOT
Waah! Stop making all my favorite superheroes
look pathetic!
POTSIE
I will only stop when I have obtained the few
pieces of underwear I need to complete my
collection. Then I will have brought about a world
of NO UNDERWEAR!
SPOT
I only pray that Kibo can stop you... wherever
he is.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR VIDEO ARCADE, 1990
CHORUS
Thirteen! Years! Later!
(The muzak starts playing a "New Kids On The Block" song.)
KIBO
(now grown up, playing Atari's "Klax")
It is the nineties, and now there is time for Klax!
POTSIE
(materializing instantly)
Kan it, Kibo, you Klueless Klax Kook!
KIBO
Hey! Stop making fun of the fact that my name
happens to begin with an evil letter! Anyway,
you're a fine one to talk, with your half-Hitler hair!
(SPOT runs into the arcade.)
SPOT
Kibo! I'm so glad I found you!
POTSIE
Too late, dippity dog! I found him first!
SPOT
But I called it first.
POTSIE
No, it's who SEES him first that matters, not
who YELLS ABOUT IT first.
SPOT
Speaking of seeing, did Charles Nelson Reilly's
eyesight come back sometime during that last scene?
POTSIE
I forget. It was a long time ago.
KIBO
And why are you here? You should be out looking
for underwear! You already got my underwear! Look!
(KIBO opens his pants and UNDER-POTSIE's face pops out again.)
UNDER-POTSIE
Geez, Kibo, try washing my face once in a while.
POTSIE
Well, you see, Kibo, I'm here because it turns
out the only underwear missing from my giant ball of
underwear is the word "underwear" you keep typing in
this script. So I'm going to steal the letters U,
N, D, E, R, W, and A from your keyboard. Some of
them twice.
KIBO
Wait, before you do that -- are you sure you
have ALL the other underwear?
POTSIE
Yes.
KIBO
Blue Man Group's underwear?
POTSIE
Got it.
KIBO
Bozo's? Bebe Rebozo's?
POTSIE
Got it, got it.
KIBO
Dracula's?
POTSIE
Fiction, but got it anyway.
KIBO
How?
POTSIE
You forget, we're all fictional here.
KIBO
Oh yeah, I forgot. Me not so smart. Me just
using this word processor by accident. In fact, at
any moment I could hit a wrong key just like...
THIS!
POTSIE
Stop! What are you doing?
KIBO
Oh, something clever. I just did a
search-and-replace on this entire script and
everywhere it used to say "underwear" it now says
"underwear". So now you're obsessed with underwear
and not underwear.
SPOT
But, Kibo, they're the same word.
KIBO
They are NOW, Spot.
POTSIE
I fail to see how replacing the word for what I
had been collecting with the word "underwear" makes
any difference because it just changed my big ball
of you-know-what into a big ball of underwear so my
plan for world domination will still work.
SPOT
But, this doesn't make any sense -- what about
Potsie's dialogue about the letters U, N, D, E,
and so on?
KIBO
Oh, I search-and-replaced those too. Originally
he was talking about some other letters.
SPOT
But then shouldn't this sentence have changed
into something which looks more like "Wurfl gjzoik
blivoq sjen xoejk whshbz lemdn bx ekenhna nerbro zem
eheboqkm owmdl"?
KIBO
Sej.
SPOT
Stoq it!
KIBO
Fwck yiv!
POTSIE
Never mind all those attempts at pretending
you're putting actual wordplay in your script
instead of filler! I just realized that I don't
have to steal your letters U, N, D, E, et cetera, I
can get nearly identical copies of those letters
from almost any book!
KIBO
Rats. He is exploiting the only flaw in my logic
as he builds his giant underwear wad!
POTSIE
I will just add the final underwear to my giant
ball of all the underwear in the world, like so --
UNDERWEAR BALL
Grr!
SPOT
Yipes! The underwear ball is chasing me around
the room!
KIBO
Potsie, don't you see what you have done? You
have amassed enough underwear in that pile that it
has attained sentience! And now it's hungry!
POTSIE
Well, I didn't mean to do that, but for the next
few minutes I'm going to be too busy destroying the
world to care about underwear chasing the dog.
Say goodbye to existence as you know it.
(POTSIE prepares to gesture.)
KIBO
Well, it was a nice Universe we once had. This
is all YOUR fault, Spot.
SPOT
MY fault? Why?
KIBO
Because you wouldn't cut your hair. This whole
story came about as a morality play to illustrate
that the true meaning of Christmas is that it
doesn't matter if your hair is long or short as long
as you cut it when Beethoven tells you to.
SPOT
That's a stupid moral. Besides, I think this
story is more like "How The Grinch Stole Christmas"
except it's about Potsie stealing people's underwear.
POTSIE
No, it's more like an episode of "Happy Days"
without the "Happy Days" part and with some "Match
Game '76" and "Batman" and "Doctor Who" thrown in.
KIBO
There's no "Doctor Who" in this story.
GUY WITH REALLY REALLY LONG SCARF
There! I have disintegrated the giant ball of
underwear with my sonic screwdriver!
(One finger begins playing a Moog synthesizer somewhere. The
GUY WITH THE REALLY REALLY LONG SCARF climbs into some sort of
weird British phone booth and vanishes.)
KIBO
Darn. He left before I could find out his last name.
POTSIE
That's okay, I got his underwear --
(POTSIE holds up the world's longest underwear.)
POTSIE
It's so long that it'll take me forever to put
it on, and that way I'll never have time to wear it
out. So even though this is now the only underwear
in the world, I am happy.
SPOT
Yes, this is an unusually happy ending for one
of Kibo's works of fiction, ESPECIALLY given that
I'm in it.
(SPOT's uvula explodes.)
KIBO
Wait, don't explode your uvula just yet -- we're
still in the nineties. This is supposed to be the
Christmas 2000 story! We gotta get through Y2K
before we can go home! The world could still blow
up! Hang on for excitement before we can leave!
POTSIE
I hate you, Kibo.
KIBO
Send in the chorus!
(The CHORUS enters, carrying enormous bowls of chocolate mousse,
and not wearing underwear.)
CHORUS
Some! Years! Later!
(They fall down an escalator, but it is an "up" escalator so that by
the time they finish falling they're at the top and fall down again,
and again, and again.)
KIBO
Ha ha! They fell down in glop!
SPOT
You should have ended it at the happy ending part.
KIBO
No, the happiest ending of all time is coming
up. Look:
(JUDY GARLAND and CHARLES NELSON REILLY get married. So do BATMAN and
ROBIN. POTSIE shaves off his Hitler hair and looks more handsome
than Patrick Stewart. SPOT is allowed to wear underwear from now on,
even though there isn't any. RALPH MALPH comes back from the dead
for just long enough that he doesn't wear out his welcome. BEETHOVEN
goes permanently deaf and doesn't have any time to be insane now that
he's deaf full-time. RICHARD SIMMONS learns to be comfortable with
his own heterosexuality. KIBO finds a machine that makes Bacon Pez
and turns it on.)
KIBO
Arrrrr! There be Bacon Pez here!
SPOT
Why, Kibo, I didn't know you had pirate blood in you.
KIBO
Do you want to dress up as a parrot and sit on
my shoulder?
SPOT
Can I poop?
KIBO
No.
SPOT
I'll think about it.
KIBO
I'll give you some Bacon Pez.
ANNOUNCER
(voiceover)
And Spot never pooped again. It was the
merriest Christmas ever. The End!
(The words "THE END" burst through the screen on a stick, hitting the
audience in the forehead. Lawsuits ensue but they are thrown out of
court because everyone is so happy about having just seen the happy
ending. There are no more wars, and Bacon Pez flow freely from all
faucets. The End.)
DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A WORK OF FICTION: POTSIE WAS NEVER ON "MATCH
GAME". ALSO, THE ACTUAL NINETIES INCLUDED Y2K, HARRY POTTER, MONICA
LEWINSKY, JOHN ROCKER, THE SPICE GIRLS, TICKLE ME ELMO, COLUMBINE,
TAMAGOTCHIS, DENNIS MILLER, O.J. SIMPSON, BART SIMPSON, A SCREWED-UP
ELECTION, PAULY SHORE, TWO FALSE REPORTS OF BOB HOPE'S DEATH, WOODY
ALLEN'S SEX LIFE, THE "BATTLEFIELD EARTH" MOVIE, DAVID KORESH, ELIAN
GONZALEZ, THE IMAC, "SURVIVOR", JAR JAR BINKS, AND OTHER THINGS WHICH
WERE OMITTED IN ORDER TO SANITIZE THIS HAPPY CHRISTMAS TALE. I NOW
DECLARE THE TWENTIETH CENTURY OVER. BYE!
-- K.
Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry,
and soon to be nominated for the
Nobel Prize For Best Picture.
Areff
>
> (POTSIE is gagging as he tries to swallow RALPH's necktie.)
>
> TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
> (voiceover)
> And now, for the first time since the war, you
> can see their most famous comedy routines, such as
> "The Man Who Couldn't Stop Barfing",
I thought that "barf" might be an anachronism, but it probably isn't
(well, except that it wouldn't have been used on teevee). The OED's first
cite for "barf" is dated 1960. That's about a year before _Happy Days_
was supposed to *end* (for the first several years of the series I think
it was always 1957). (I remember some late episodes of _Happy Days_ where
it was understood that John F. Kennedy was president. Fonzie was rather
enthusiastic about the Kennedy presidency.) It's likely that people
were using "barf" for ten years or so before it first appeared in print.
For the etymology of "barf", the OED sez "Orig. unknown; perh. echoic.".
--
Mark Hill
> For the etymology of "barf", the OED sez "Orig. unknown; perh. echoic.".
Please barf so we can figure out what word it sounds like.
pete
> It's not technically a story, it's a movie.
Your mentality has been contaminated by overexposure to Archie Pu.
Stick with the story format.
--
pete
bdubya
Parry) wrote:
(snipt)
>
>(BATMAN exists as PLASTIC MAN enters.)
>
Best typo ever.
bw