Twelve to doomsday.
James Kibo Parry
most often because it's the biggest even though I hate it") is part of
the Prudential tower's plaza. When I was walking through the plaza
today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a
sign saying:
KRISPY KREME
OPENING IN 12 DAYS
Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there
at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
patheticness are welcome.
-- K.
I need a splurge gun.
Darla Vladschyk
>Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
>do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
>into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there
>at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
>for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
>patheticness are welcome.
I think you ought to pack up your pink vinyl Olsen Twins tote and take
your lavender DuffStuff tent and GET IN LINE. If you haven't tasted a
Krispy Kreme classic glazed hot from the oven you don't know what
ecstasy is, sonny boy.
Krispy Kreme: The Only Doughnut That Can Make You Safeword.
-=D=-
--
"My life is all about small bad dogs who pee
in the house." ---Celeste Jarrett
phy
04040421...@10.0.1.2:
> Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
> do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
> into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there
> at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
> for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
> patheticness are welcome.
Start eating a mixture of Beans and sourkraut and hot links now and when
the day comes, get in line with them. Wear your gas mask.
-phy
David DeLaney
>My favorite local supermarket (with "favorite" meaning "the one I go to
>most often because it's the biggest even though I hate it") is part of
>the Prudential tower's plaza. When I was walking through the plaza
>today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a
>sign saying:
>
> KRISPY KREME
>
> OPENING IN 12 DAYS
Mua ha haaa...
>Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
>do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
>into the store cry.
Well, right off, I'm envisioning something involving mimes, but slathered in
powdered sugar... Take it, <insert kibologist here>!
> -- K.
> I need a splurge gun.
You need a splurge gun what shoots DONUTS instead of donut HOLES, is what you
need, what?
Dave
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.
swt
> My favorite local supermarket (with "favorite" meaning "the one I go to
> most often because it's the biggest even though I hate it")
If there's one I've learned from the people that hate Wal-Mart, it's that
smaller is better. There's one a local grocery that keeps its size down
by selling only things beginning with M.
The smallest of all is run out of one drawer of a filing cabinet, most of
which is filled with clerk. He only carries post-date Bit-o-Honeys, and
he's usually out of stock, but hey, small is beautiful.
> is part of
> the Prudential tower's plaza. When I was walking through the plaza
> today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a
> sign saying:
>
> KRISPY KREME
>
> OPENING IN 12 DAYS
REPENT NOW!
> Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
> do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
> into the store cry.
Pointing at them and saying "fatty-fatty-fat-fat" in Sprachstimme is the
traditional method.
> I assume people will start camping out there
> at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
> for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
> patheticness are welcome.
On the first day of Krispy, my true love gave to me...
> -- K.
>
> I need a splurge gun.
This is my rifle, and this is my splurge gun.
--
swt (the WILL to POWER, the URGE to SPLURGE)
Captain Infinity
swt is about to speak:
>There's one a local grocery that keeps its size down
>by selling only things beginning with M.
And the only people that shop there are people who live in treacle wells!
**
Captain Infinity
..."You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands."
--the Red Queen, _Through The Looking Glass_
The Avocado Avenger
> Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
> do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
> into the store cry.
You could rest comfortably in the knowledge that you are not a
mindless zombie lemming who has nothing better to do than to camp out
for the better part of two days, waiting for a doughnut shop to open.
But where's the fun in that?
> Any suggestions
> for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
> patheticness are welcome.
I have lots of ideas, but they all come from "Mallrats", the Kevin
Smith movie that no one except me liked. Or these ideas:
1) You could stand there with a big plastic doughnut around your torso
like that cruel "healthy" breakfast bar commercial, where they try to
make you feel inferior because you need comfort food to make it through
a Monday morning.
B) You could hire a sincere-yet-hip teenager to stand outside the Krispy
Kreme with a full-color, illustrated sign stating that 27,000 nuns and
orphans working in Uzbekistan are killed every day by faulty Krispy
Kreme machinery, just to produce those lard-encrusted, deep-fried rings
of Capitalist swinery. The sign would also read: "Brought to you by
doughnuttruth.com".
iii.) Open a "U Kill It" butcher shop next door, with a big glass
display window.
9.) Let various borderline-kooky religions know that there will be
hundreds of receptive people there that morning, just waiting for
daisies and pamphlets.
Q.) On that same note, buy us all plane tickets so we can randomly walk
past the Dorkus Doughnut line, rolling our eyes, pointing, snickering,
and mooning.
Email me for my address so you can send me my ticket.
Stacia
Seth Goldin
news:kibo-04040...@10.0.1.2...
Hire a U-Haul truck and be the first to arrive there. Then, just start
filling it up, and tell the clerk that you are going to pay for it all.
Chris McGonnell
>ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>
>>Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
>>do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
>>into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there
>>at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
>>for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
>>patheticness are welcome.
>
>I think you ought to pack up your pink vinyl Olsen Twins tote and take
>your lavender DuffStuff tent and GET IN LINE. If you haven't tasted a
>Krispy Kreme classic glazed hot from the oven you don't know what
>ecstasy is, sonny boy.
>
>Krispy Kreme: The Only Doughnut That Can Make You Safeword.
Krispy Kreme; 5000 milligrams of cholesterol per bite!
--
Chris McG.
Harming humanity since 1951.
"And it wasn't a Norse ear spoon. I clean my ears like a proper modern
person, with my pinky finger." -- Kibo
Tim Chmielewski
news:srl370tbrfn0nssgb...@4ax.com:
> On Mon, 05 Apr 2004 02:50:51 GMT, Darla Vladschyk wrote:
>
>>ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>>
>>>Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
>>>do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
>>>into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there
>>>at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
>>>for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
>>>patheticness are welcome.
>>
>>I think you ought to pack up your pink vinyl Olsen Twins tote and take
>>your lavender DuffStuff tent and GET IN LINE. If you haven't tasted a
>>Krispy Kreme classic glazed hot from the oven you don't know what
>>ecstasy is, sonny boy.
>>
>>Krispy Kreme: The Only Doughnut That Can Make You Safeword.
>
> Krispy Kreme; 5000 milligrams of cholesterol per bite!
>
Pretty much all of the following episode of the Simpsons would be
relevant here:
[1F04] Treehouse of Horror IV - "The Devil and Homer Simpson"
Thanks.
--
Tim's Melbourne Flat : http://timchuma.com
GIT Groupie : http://gitgroupie.timchuma.com
The Twits Give Me the Shits : http://twitsgivemetheshits.timchuma.com
Tim Serpas
>iii.) Open a "U Kill It" butcher shop next door, with a big glass
>display window.
Mel's Char Palace!!! Gilda with a chainsaw!!!
http://www.io.com/~serpas/cgi-bin/snlsrch.cgi?75h
Wretch
Jabberwocky
> most often because it's the biggest even though I hate it") is part of
> the Prudential tower's plaza. When I was walking through the plaza
> today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a
> sign saying:
>
> KRISPY KREME
>
> OPENING IN 12 DAYS
>
either still saying 12 days, or with "10" scribbled over it in black
Sharpie.
The bank-type thing in which I work is in a supermarket so big, it has 3 bus
stops.
>
> Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
> do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
> into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there
> at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions
> for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner
> patheticness are welcome.
>
Or: "Geez while they're all here, Nomar and Manny were signing rookie cards
at Fenway, and only 4 people showed up. Glad I brought 12 with me!"
Or, my favorite: "You guys suck!"
> -- K.
>
> I need a splurge gun.
You are Buggsy Malone and I claim my stale loaf of bread.
--
Clansdell
Good God, He's Lansdellicious!
HPMgourmet
> My favorite local supermarket (with "favorite" meaning "the one I go to
> most often because it's the biggest even though I hate it") is part of
> the Prudential tower's plaza. When I was walking through the plaza
> today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a
> sign saying:
>
> KRISPY KREME
>
> OPENING IN 12 DAYS
>
>
> Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
> do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
Perhaps you could show up with a box of DogNuts cleverly obtained at
another KrispyCreme store and kept warm byt storing them beside the engine
of your car. Then drop by munching a dognut and say "O, they are giving
them away 'round the back"
madge
Phone the World Wildlife Fund offices, anonomously, tell them you have
it on good authority that the chloresterol in Krispy Kreme Donuts tested
positive with Whale DNA, but the Food and Drug Administration won't go
public with the story.
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a
> > sign saying:
> >
> > KRISPY KREME
> >
> > OPENING IN 12 DAYS
> >
> >
> > Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can
> > do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones
>
> Perhaps you could show up with a box of DogNuts cleverly obtained at
> another KrispyCreme store and kept warm byt storing them beside the engine
> of your car. Then drop by munching a dognut and say "O, they are giving
> them away 'round the back"
That's a good one, especially because it would be a _long_ walk to the
back of the Prudential Center plaza. (It's a 60-story skyscraper and
several 25-story-ish apartment towers on top of a shopping mall and a
maze of twisty little underground passages, all smelly.)
So today I went to my other local supermarket, the smaller, closer,
pricier one in the oddly-shaped building with the escalator that
always gets me compliments on my leathers. Total score today:
one person on that escalator complimented me on my leathers (twice!)
and asked where I got the pants, one person on the street in Central
Square complimented me on my leathers in passing, one person in the
drugstore complimented me on my orange hair and said her cousin had the
same color (I didn't ask if she also had a purple beard), and one crazy
wino in Central Square yelled something inarticulate about my orange
hair. (There's this one bench that always has three surly drunks on
it, right in the middle of the half-block between the fetishwear store
and the art-supply store.) So my total score for today: 3 with an
asterisk.
At the art-supply store I cleaned out their supply of little screw-top
plastic bottles so I can keep some hot sauce on me for emergencies.
Unfortunately, "their supply" was just two bottles, and only in the
tiny half-ounce size. They're small enough that I couldn't get any
of the thick yellow sauce into them, so I just filled them both with
red sauce, so I'll probably have to refill them after each use.
I could just push my way past the line to be the first person into
Krispy Kreme and squirt hot sauce all over the doughnuts. But probably
two or three percent of the people in line would like that, and they'd
follow me home, but I don't want any new pets that I'd have to keep
feeding sticky doughnuts.
-- K.
I like pets that I
don't have to feed.
Joe Manfre
> Total score today: one person on that escalator complimented me on
> my leathers (twice!) and asked where I got the pants, one person on
> the street in Central Square complimented me on my leathers in
> passing, one person in the drugstore complimented me on my orange
> hair and said her cousin had the same color (I didn't ask if she
> also had a purple beard), and one crazy wino in Central Square
> yelled something inarticulate about my orange hair. (There's this
> one bench that always has three surly drunks on it, right in the
> middle of the half-block between the fetishwear store and the
> art-supply store.) So my total score for today: 3 with an asterisk.
How many points did you get on that one night when you and I were
wandering around my neighborhood (after Barnes & Noble had declared us
to be a couple) and you (or perhaps both of us) received a wolf
whistle from a passing car? That was sufficiently thrilling that I
almost forgot to show you the Adi Da Samraj www.adidam.org office.
JM
James Kibo Parry
>
> How many points did you get on that one night when you and I were
> wandering around my neighborhood (after Barnes & Noble had declared us
> to be a couple) and you (or perhaps both of us) received a wolf
> whistle from a passing car?
Well, the woman in Barnes & Noble who wished us a pleasant evening of
sadomaximal pervery doesn't really count, because there's no evidence
that she was commenting me on my look (she could have just thought you
looked really submissive) and the wolf-whistle doesn't count, because
we don't know whether it was directed at me, at you, or just one of
those people who just does that constantly all the time due to having
a testosterone imbalance -- too much testosterone on the stupid side
of their body.
I'm scoring one point for anything like "Hey, great look, cool dude!"
and a tenth of a point for "Eww! You look like Bozo, only funnier!"
and five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running
off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT.
No points for "Do you ride a Harley?" or "What time is it?" or
"May I please watch when you beat Joe Manfre with a Cinderella broom?"
I'm really liking how, these days, when someone bumps into me, they
say "EXCUSE ME!" real hurriedly. I haven't been out in my new
Frankenstein boots yet but I suspect that those extra four inches
are going to make people _really_ careful around me. It'll be
like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something.
-- K.
Or maybe just Big Bozo.
Kevin S. Wilson
Parry) wrote:
>I like pets that I don't have to feed.
ITYM, My hobby is stuffing things--you know--taxidermy. And I guess
I'd just rather stuff birds because I hate the look of beasts when
they're stuffed--you know, foxes and chimps. Some people even stuff
dogs and cats--but, oh, I can't do that. I think only birds look well
stuffed because--well, because they're kind of passive to begin with.
Goodnight, Norman.
--
Kevin S. Wilson
Tech Writer at a University Somewhere in Idaho
"You can safely ignore Kevin in order to
maximise life's experience." --A. Loon, in alt.religion.kibology
Captain Infinity
James "Kibo" Parry is about to speak:
>I'm really liking how, these days, when someone bumps into me, they
>say "EXCUSE ME!" real hurriedly. I haven't been out in my new
>Frankenstein boots yet but I suspect that those extra four inches
>are going to make people _really_ careful around me. It'll be
>like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something.
>
> -- K.
>
> Or maybe just Big Bozo.
I'm betting Big Bozo because, as you'll recall, 6 inch Bozos aren't
worth 50 bucks.
**
Captain Infinity
...use this knowledge only for good, my son, never for evil
Glenn Knickerbocker
> On Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:16:51 -0400, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
> Parry) wrote:
> >I like pets that I don't have to feed.
> ITYM, My hobby is stuffing things--you know--taxidermy.
Um, Jake? Can we buy a--never mind.
ŹR
Tim Serpas
>"May I please watch when you beat Joe Manfre with a Cinderella broom?"
"Bessom? I hardly know 'im!"
>I suspect that those extra four inches
>are going to make people _really_ careful around me.
"Did you jump?" "A little, at first."
Wretch
David DeLaney
>those people who just does that constantly all the time due to having
>a testosterone imbalance -- too much testosterone on the stupid side
>of their body.
Fortunately, that's correctable. In any of three or four ways.
>I'm really liking how, these days, when someone bumps into me, they
>say "EXCUSE ME!" real hurriedly. I haven't been out in my new
>Frankenstein boots yet
Kontext-Away suddenly snorts, then pops its head up...
>but I suspect that those extra four inches
>are going to make people _really_ careful around me.
...but then decides it needs an actual CHALLENGE, and wanders off towards
alt.atheism.satire . Whew, that was close.
> It'll be like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something.
"Minor" _nothing_...
> -- K.
> Or maybe just Big Bozo.
Dave "how many other entries will we get for the Bra Sizes Renaming
Competition? You'll have to tune in tomorrow, kids..." DeLaney
The Avocado Avenger
> five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running
> off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT.
Perhaps I am cynical and jaded, but is there anyone who would really
be scared of seeing someone in leather in public? Besides my mother, of
course, who is so desperately isolated that insists she has never seen
anyone with pink hair. Even though half the female population under the
age of 25 has had pink hair.
> It'll be like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something.
Uh. Yeah. Just like. Except without the annoying fangurls who send
you lard.
Stacia
The Avocado Avenger
> Some people even stuff dogs and cats--but, oh, I can't do that.
And now you know the plot! If he'd just stuffed a cat every once in a
while this never would have happened.
Stacia
teddlesruss
> ITYM, My hobby is stuffing things--you know--taxidermy. And I guess
> I'd just rather stuff birds because I hate the look of beasts when
> they're stuffed--you know, foxes and chimps. Some people even stuff
> dogs and cats--but, oh, I can't do that. I think only birds look well
> stuffed because--well, because they're kind of passive to begin with.
<kontext away>
Nothing to do, exiting.
</kontext away>
waste of a tag, really...
--
ted "some people should never be shown le crayon" russ
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running
> > off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT.
>
> Perhaps I am cynical and jaded, but is there anyone who would really
> be scared of seeing someone in leather in public?
The people who live in Norman Rockwell paintings? Greeters at Wal-Mart?
Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? Mary Whitehouse? Marty Angstrom?
The guy from the cover of the first "New Yorker"? David Letterman back
when he was on the goofballs? Lucy Ricardo? The high-school principal
who freaked out over the kid's pink shoelaces? Davey and/or Goliath?
> Besides my mother, of course, who is so desperately isolated that
> insists she has never seen anyone with pink hair. Even though half
> the female population under the age of 25 has had pink hair.
I hope it's the half that eats!
Wait, that didn't work at all. Let me try again.
I hope it's the half that dyes!
-- K.
I wore my big shoes all day
but nobody once challenged
my pinball wizardry.
The Avocado Avenger
> > is there anyone who would really be scared of seeing someone in
> > leather in public?
>
> Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph?
The first one is funny, because everyone knows Chik-Fil-A executives
don't exist. But the Ralph Malph thing just scares me. I wish I didn't
read ARK just before bedtime.
> I wore my big shoes all day
> but nobody once challenged
> my pinball wizardry.
Please. You could beat Elton John up one side and down the other. In
fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been,
overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to
stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion.
Stacia
can I get Elton in Cornflower Blue?
James Kibo Parry
> > >
> > > is there anyone who would really be scared of seeing someone in
> > > leather in public?
> >
> > Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph?
>
> The first one is funny, because everyone knows Chik-Fil-A executives
> don't exist. But the Ralph Malph thing just scares me.
Ralph Malph? You're scared of someone with bright orange hair?
Um, then I have bad news for you...
> > I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my
> > pinball wizardry.
>
> Please. You could beat Elton John up one side and down the other.
> In fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been,
> overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to
> stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion.
But doesn't he get brownie points for singing a version of "Rocket Man"
at least twice as good as William Shatner's?
> Stacia
> can I get Elton in Cornflower Blue?
Oh god. I am living that movie. Or trying to. Problem is, I need
a Helena Bonham Carter. Is she still busy playing tennis with some
puppets shaped like robots made from common household objects?
-- K.
I'd settle for Helena Russell,
but only circa 1964.
Tim Serpas
>fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been,
>overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to
>stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion.
Aaaah, feel the hate.
Wretch
Steve Christensen
> I've received catalogs about freeze drying your beloved, deceased dog before.
> When you buy a lot of dog stuff you get put on every canine
> catalog in the world.
>
> Catalogs similar to this one:
> http://www.petpreservations.com/photos.html
>
Have you looked into mummification?
http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/
I hadn't been to their web site in a while...
I have no words to describe the incadescent beauty of the following:
Particularly, Mummy Bear!
http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/
Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage.
Do you like Mummification? I sure do. I think it's cool.
Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at
Summum do.
-Steve
--
Calling bovine intercourse 'sodomy' is at best a cheap linguistic trick meant
to manipulate the emotions of closed-minded city dwellers. -- Eb Oesch, a.r.k.
kerri
>
> <kontext away>
> Nothing to do, exiting.
> </kontext away>
>
>
> waste of a tag, really...
ELEMENT! <span style="font-weight : bold ; ">PLONK!</span>
Joe Manfre
> Joe Manfre (man...@world.std.com) wrote:
>> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
>> > Total score today: [...] 3 with an asterisk.
>>
>> How many points did you get on that one night when you and I were
>> wandering around my neighborhood (after Barnes & Noble had declared us
>> to be a couple) and you (or perhaps both of us) received a wolf
>> whistle from a passing car?
>
> Well, the woman in Barnes & Noble who wished us a pleasant evening of
> sadomaximal pervery doesn't really count, because there's no evidence
> that she was commenting me on my look (she could have just thought you
> looked really submissive) and the wolf-whistle doesn't count, because
> we don't know whether it was directed at me, at you, or just one of
> those people who just does that constantly all the time due to having
> a testosterone imbalance -- too much testosterone on the stupid side
> of their body.
By the way, last night outside the Giant supermarket where you and I
went between our visit to Barnes & Noble and our visit to Da Free
John, some woman crashed her car into an electrical transformer and
caught stuff on fire and spilled mineral oil all over the place,
forcing the evacuation of some apartments and also forcing the
supermarket to run on a backup generator. Apparently the effect of
your presence was so pronounced that even now, weeks later, it's still
warping spacetime around the store so as to direct women's cars into
large high-voltage equipment that nobody would intentionally be
driving into.
Also, when I was walking to work this morning, long after the fire was
out, there were two helicopters hovering over the neighborhood, and
though they were a few blocks to the east, I assume they were from
local news stations and were taking photos of nothing happening,
because we all know that local news needs pictures of nothing
happening or else they won't be able to go on TV and tell us that
nothing's happening anymore.
Unfortunately, no pictures here:
http://www.nbc4.com/news/2984453/detail.html
http://www.wjla.com/news/stories/0404/138032.html
Better luck next time.
JM
Jim Vandewalker
> By the way, last night outside the Giant supermarket where you and I
> went between our visit to Barnes & Noble and our visit to Da Free
> John, some woman crashed her car into an electrical transformer and
> caught stuff on fire and spilled mineral oil all over the place,
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> forcing the evacuation of some apartments and also forcing the
> supermarket to run on a backup generator.
Poly-chlorinated biphenyls! Yay! Highly toxic!
--
Jim the Dead Guy
James Kibo Parry
>
> dogsnus (dog...@micron.net) wrote:
> >
> > I've received catalogs about freeze drying your beloved, deceased
> > dog before.
> > When you buy a lot of dog stuff you get put on every canine
> > catalog in the world.
>
>
> http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/
>
> I hadn't been to their web site in a while...
I don't think I've been there in a while either, not since I put
up my crappy little page of links for the first version of my Web site
six or seven years ago. Summum was filed under "non-erotic mummification".
I put the links up, almost all of them rotted within six months, therefore
I felt no additional urgency to update them after one, two, three, or seven
years. Honestly, I'm surprised _any_ of them still work. Nobody keeps
Web sites up, and in the same place, for seven years! Except me. I WIN!
> I have no words to describe the incadescent beauty of the following:
>
> http://summum.kids.us/
>
> Particularly, Mummy Bear!
>
> http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/
>
> Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage.
>
> Do you like Mummification? I sure do. I think it's cool.
> Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at
> Summum do.
Oh. I do need to revise my links page, at least to delete "non-erotic".
I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear and his
friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion I've already met them.
-- K.
Now, let's take the wraps off
2004's exciting new DANCING
BEARS OF MUMMIFICATION!
The Avocado Avenger
> sta...@io.com wrote:
> > can I get Elton in Cornflower Blue?
>
> Oh god. I am living that movie. Or trying to. Problem is, I need
> a Helena Bonham Carter.
Good news! A few years ago, rec.arts.movies.past-films decided that
Helena Bonham Carter knows fabulous Asian sex secrets. We decided this
after she yet again pried a happily-married actor away from his
beautiful, talented, lovely wife of many years. It's sort of a pattern
with her. So I have a feeling if you find Helena, we won't be seeing
you for a while. Those schnitzelgrubens will wear you out.
Also, go see "Novocaine". I figure you must not have seen it, because
you should be raving about the trunk scene, the large blonde karate
dentist's assistant scene, or the teeth scene.
Stacia
David DeLaney
>up my crappy little page of links for the first version of my Web site
>six or seven years ago. Summum was filed under "non-erotic mummification".
Yes, he really had that as a category. Now ask about some of the others...
>I put the links up, almost all of them rotted within six months, therefore
>I felt no additional urgency to update them after one, two, three, or seven
>years. Honestly, I'm surprised _any_ of them still work. Nobody keeps
>Web sites up, and in the same place, for seven years! Except me. I WIN!
You win, yes. Yes? (checks) Yes, it appears the stuff I had to move to VIC
when panacea died has only been there for four and a half years now. The
problem isn't keeping the Websites up, it's keeping the same place under
them...
>> http://summum.kids.us/
>> Particularly, Mummy Bear!
>> http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/
>> Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage.
>> Do you like Mummification? I sure do. I think it's cool.
>> Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at
>> Summum do.
You forgot to mention the Dancing Mummy Bears of B*llsh*t [this is a childrun's
page after all] that follow the pointer! Or per-haps you were spared that
horrifying addition...
>Oh. I do need to revise my links page, at least to delete "non-erotic".
How _does_ one mummify tubas and other musical instruments, anyway?
>I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear and his
>friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion I've already met them.
I'm sure if you had you'd've said something. _Very_ sure.
> -- K.
> Now, let's take the wraps off
> 2004's exciting new DANCING
> BEARS OF MUMMIFICATION!
Oh good, you already had them planned... Go look and shudder in horror and/or
<insert other emotion here>.
Dave "the macaw is: ___BLUE___" DeLaney
PS: "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.". No,
_really_. I am -afraid- to use the search-for block at the left...
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion
> > I've already met them.
>
> _really_. I am -afraid- to use the search-for block at the left...
Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop
teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is.
You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets.
[From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/]
->
-> Springies: On Off Change
Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work.
(And that was the last moment of non-exposure to stupidity I had
for the next two hours as I worked my way through the site...)
-> Mummy Bear
->
-> Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage.
->
-> Do you like Mummification? I sure do.
WINK!!! as Mummy Bear says he likes mummification without mentioning
sex, implying that he likes mummification better than boring old sex.
-> I think it's cool.
Actually, it usually gets pretty sweaty. Requires lots of Gatorade.
-> Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at Summum do.
WINK!!! as Mummy Bear asks, "Hey kids! Do your friends 'do' mummification?"
-> I'm going to go on an journey to unlock the secrets of Modern
-> Mummification. Would you like to be my friend and come with me?
WINK!!! as Mummy Bear's spell-checker changes a word to "come".
-> Yes? Then let's go exploring
WINK!!! as Mummy Bear lubes up his Doc Johnson Anal Explorer.
-> by clicking the links on the left. We'll go on an adventure,
-> and together we'll learn new things and have some fun!!
WINKETY-WINK-WINK!!!
Now I'll "click" the "links" with my "mouse" to "learn" about
Mummy Bear's personal history...
-> 26486 BCE
->
-> A small, fluffy, bear is born in Atlantis. His name is Ankh Amon.
AND THEN HE DIED!!!
-> Prince Ankh Amon.
But then he changed his name to a picture of an ankh captioned
"The Artist Formerly Known As Princh Ankh Amon."
-> 26393 BCE
->
-> Bear Ankh Amon grows up to be crowned king.
Gosh, life must have sucked back then, when puberty lasted for decades.
-> He is a compassionate and lovable king.
HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!!
-> 26260 BCE
->
-> King Ankh Amon grows to be very old and very wise.
-> He dies and is mummified.
At age 226, wouldn't he technically have become a mummy well before
he died?
-> Thousands attend the 77 days of his Transference.
-> It is not a time of mourning, but a time of celebration.
People will conveniently ignore the fact that a toy teddy bear
can't technically "die" because they're not even alive, if it
means they can have a 77-day holiday-slash-orgy and party
until the continent sinks.
-> 10500 BCE
->
-> The scientists of Atlantis predict an asteriod will hit the Earth near
-> Atlantis and destroy things.
Oh no! Once the ass-tear-ee-odd hits Earth, things will be
dee-stree-odd!
-> The caretakers of Atlantis move Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform far away to
-> Egypt so it will be safe.
Yeah, save the dead bear and nothing else from your entire civilization.
Good plan, imaginary idiots.
-> 9001 BCE
->
-> An asteriod hits the Earth near an uninhabited Atlantis...
Wait, wait. SCENE MISSING! Did all the Atlanteans die from
teddy bear cooties or something?
-> ...it causes big earthquakes and Atlantis sinks to the bottom
-> of the ocean.
->
-> Asteroid picture is courtesy of Nasa and artist Don Davis.
-> It is used only for illustration.
Oh, good to know you guys are thinking about the psychological needs of
your visitors who might be too stupid to understand that illustrations
are illustrations and not actual doomsday rocks shooting out of their
computer screens to kill them.
-> 2560 BCE
->
-> Ancient Egyptians build the Great Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops).
->
-> Mummification has been practiced in Egypt for more than a thousand years.
"They practiced it for a thousand years, but WE got it right!
Our space-age freezers can preserve any dead teddy bear!"
-> 1922
->
-> Howard Carter, an English archeologist, discovers and opens King
-> Tutankamun's tomb.
->
-> Photo courtesy and copyright of Griffith Institute, Oxford
-> http://www.ashmol.ox.ac.uk/Griffith.html
I heard that James Dean was wearing a full suit of Space Egyptian Armor
under his clothes when he got into a knife fight there.
-> Mysterious guardians of Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform are afraid
-> Howard and his archeologist friends might find it also. They are
-> not supposed to find it. So the guardians move Bear Ankh Amon far
-> away to a new, secret location.
Is it... THE INTERNET?
-> 2003
->
-> A young girl named Cora is told to draw a mummy for school.
-> She doesn't like the mean, scary mummies.
That's why Mummy Bear is better than her, because he REALLY LIKES mummies.
She's just a bigoted mummiphobe!
-> She draws hers in the shape of a bear. The kids in her class
-> laugh at her. They tell her there are no such things as bear mummies.
This is going to lead to one weird show-and-tell session.
-> But, Cora doesn't listen to them because she is listening to a
-> sound in her ears. A sound that started as soon as she finished
-> drawing her mummy bear.
And, kids, if you've read this far, you too are now LEGALLY INSANE!!!
-> 2004
->
-> A very smart young boy is reading a book called SUMMUM: Sealed
-> Except to the Open Mind.
Wait, that spells "SETTOM", not "SUMMUM".
-> It's a philosophy book that he really likes.
He also likes reading the phone book. Little Billy is hooked on Thorazine.
-> He discovers a code in the book. He breaks the code and it turns
-> out to be GPS coordinates.
Yeah, the ancient Atlanteans used those for everything. Also, they
invented TiVo.
-> The smart boy has a GPS unit he got for his last birthday. He tells
-> his four friends
that he's lucky to even have four friends.
-> about the secret code he found and they go searching for the
-> coordinates. The coordinates turn out to be in the woods not
-> too far away.
Little Billy then discovers what mummified bears do in the woods.
-> As they close in on the coordinates, they come upon an underground
-> sanctuary. What they discover will change their lives...
WINK!!! Little Billy becomes the bear's "forest bride"!
Once you go bear, you'll never shave your chest hair!
-> The Mummy Bear Adventures begin!
Oh dear god, there's more.
-> The Mummy Bear Adventures
->
-> Keep watching here for the adventure to start.
Hell is being wrapped in inescapable mummification, forced to
stare at a forever-unfinished Web page until it's finished.
-> While you're waiting you can get to know the characters! Click Here.
No. You people are a bunch of hideous deformos. Especially the
token black Mr. Potato Head kid.
(According to the page about that mutant, his name is "Jael", and
"He doesn't have many friends". I think he grows up to be the
writer of a site about Mummy Bear. Worse, an unofficial site.)
Okay, on to the second button on the page, "Comic Strip".
Hey, that goes to the same thing I just looked at, of the picture
of the Deformed Squad and their miniature, deformed bios.
Let's go on to "Poems & Songs".
-> Poems...
->
-> Mummy Bear Prayer
->
-> Now I lay me down to rest
-> I leave this life, I've done my best.
->
-> Please clean my body, head to toe
-> Wrap me up and make me whole.
->
-> Then as my spirit body roams
-> I'll have a place to call my home.
->
-> My body that I lived in here
-> Will still be there, no need to fear.
->
-> Forever now I'll feel so blessed
-> To have a place my soul can rest.
->
-> Amen.
What do I think of that happy little doggerel?
BETTER CALL A PLUMBER, BECAUSE THAT SHIT WON'T FLUSH!
-> Me and My Mummy Bear
->
-> Me and my mummy bear
-> Have no worries, have no cares
-> 'Cause me and my mummy bear
-> Just play and play all day.
->
-> He's wrapped up so pretty
-> And I can unwind
-> His neat little ribbons,
-> And then I find -
->
-> His tummy comes open
-> And what do I see?
-> Special little organs that
-> Belong to you and me.
->
-> I wash them all off
-> So he can be clean
-> Then put them back in
-> And do up his seam.
->
-> Then just like a mummy,
-> I wrap him up tight
-> Then I cuddle him close
-> And hold him all night.
From "The Marquis De Sade's Big Book Of Fun For Boys And Girls And Vivisection."
-> The Child's Questioning
->
-> Child: 'What happens to the caterpillar, as he sleeps in his cocoon?
-> Does he go away? Does he disappear? Does he hide inside his room?
That one's rather long, so I won't quote the rest of it.
The other reason I won't quote the rest of it is that it's a lot
worse than the previous two gems.
-> ...and Songs
->
-> After you click each link, be patient and the song will start playing.
NO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HARE KRISHNA BRAINWASHING CHANTS, RAPPING MUMMY BEAR!
I HOPE SNUGGLES BUSTS A CAP IN YOUR ASS!
-> Center Flow
->
-> Mummy Bear discovered the best place to be in the stream of life
-> is in the center where the flow is gentle. Here is one of his
-> favorite songs. It's called "Center Flow."
It's about menstruation, except he doesn't call it that, he calls
it "personstruation" when he sings it at Lilith Fair.
-> Devi's Doubt
->
-> One of Mummy Bear's favorite stories is about Shiva and Devi
-> who are best friends. Shiva has learned many things and he tries
-> to share with Devi the things he knows. But Devi has alot of
-> questions, so she sits with Shiva and listens to him. This is a
-> song about Devi.
This is the sound of me clicking my browser's "Back" button.
The next link is "Games". What fun and exciting educational games
about propaganda about why we should keep dead pets on our mantels
will we discover within this site's boundless cornucopia of wonderful
wonderment?
-> Mummy Bear Games
->
-> Bandoogle
-> From the dimension of Bandoogly, Winky the Game Master dares you
-> to play Bandoogle.
WINK!Y!!!
Okay, I am now officially tired of typing "WINK!!!" every time
Mummy Bear says something totally gay.
-> Coloring Book
-> Come and color Mummy Bear and other Mummy Images
Noted without comment: One of the images is a dead dog captioned "Butch".
POOR SPOT!!!
-> Create Your Mummy Bear
-> Create and dress up your Mummy Bear using the Mummy Bear Maker.
Hey wow! Can we finish drawing the Web site's comic book adventure
for you too?
-> Mummy Butterflies
-> Can you catch the butterflies?
No, because I'm too smart. I can't make my hand click on that link.
Oh, hell, I'll just use my toe to try it. Loading the Mummy Butterflies game...
-> Mummy Butterflies...
-> Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
-> Click on the Butterflies.
What butterflies? Why did I get an alert box asking me to pick a
number from 1 to 10? Why am I staring at an empty window?
Even if there were any butterflies to click on, what would be the point?
WORST GAME ABOUT NON-EROTIC MUMMIFICATION FOR CHILDREN AND TEDDY BEARS EVER!!!
Oh, no, there are more items on the site's menu.
-> Mummy Jokes
->
-> Welcome to Mummy Bear's page of Mummy Jokes.
->
-> Click on a joke to tickle your funny bone!
I was about to scream "PLEASE KILL ME!" but I don't want these dorks
to wrap my corpse in a Seal-A-Meal bag or whatever my life's savings
would be wasted on.
-> Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: To the dead sea!
It's nice that there's a "Give Up?" button I can click to see the funny,
funny punchline. Too bad there's no "Throw Up!" button for afterwards.
-> Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: He was all wound up.
No, he was too tense because he was made from canvas from a teepee and a wigwam.
BURRRRRRN!
-> Q: Why couldn't the mummy come outside?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Because he was all wrapped up!
Hey, cool! I bet that's the best riddle about the word "wrap" ever!
I'm glad they chose to use that one instead of something lame like
"What's a mummy's favorite musical genre? Wrap!"
-> Q: What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Wrap!!
HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE.
-> Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: They are afraid they will relax and unwind.
SWEET MUMMY JESUS, I JUST READ AHEAD, THERE ARE THIRTY MORE "JOKES"!
ABORT! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL!
-> Q: What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Any old girl he can dig up!
AUGH! STOP!
-> Q: Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 1000 years?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Because he thought he was old enough to leave home!
NEXT TIME I GO TO A WEB SITE LIKE THIS, I'M GOING TO READ THE
"TERMS & CONDITIONS" PAGE TO MAKE SURE IT HAS A SAFEWORD!!!
-> Q: Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Because their daddies were mummies!
Both of them?
-> Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: They are good at keeping things under wraps.
WAAH!!! PLEASE MAKE THE JOKES STOP!!!
ALSO THESE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING JOKES THEY'RE FUCKING RIDDLES YOU
FUCKING FUCKETY-FUCKS!
I HOPE YOU DIE AND GET WRAPPED IN BACON AND THEN THROWN INTO A
HOT PAN UNTIL YOU'RE MUMMI-FRIED!
-> Q: How do mummies hide?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: They wear masking tape.
EVEN A TODDLER KNOWS THAT MASKS DON'T MAKE YOU "HIDE", YOU FUCKETY-DINKS!
-> Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Because he was coffin.
MUMMIES DON'T HAVE COFFINS, ONLY DRACULAS DO, YOU FUCKETY-FUCKLEDUCKS!
-> Q: What is a mummy's favorite music?
->
-> Give Up?
->
-> A: Ragtime.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CONTRADICTORY JOKES THAT AREN'T EVEN JOKES!!!
DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR! ERROR! ANALYZE... ANALYZE... ANAL...
*** INSERT EXPLODING HEAD HERE ***
Okay, my head exploded after "joke" #12. So I will skip #13 to #36.
Well, okay, I'll show you #36 just to prove that I'm not lying when
I say that they actually put the best twelve first:
-> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
->
-> Father : No. Why do you ask that?
->
-> Son : Well, then where did you get mummy?
THAT'S NOT A JOKE, IT'S A SKETCH, YOU FUCKETY-FUBBLEGOOBLERS!
ALSO IT'S A SKETCH WITH NO FUCKING JOKE IN IT!!!
Whew. That's the end of the "Jokes" section. And now, the final section:
-> Parents and Teachers
->
-> Summum makes a Mummy Bear teddy bear available for kids to enjoy
-> and learn from. The lovable Mummy Bear comes in two versions:
-> the Original Mummy Bear and the Anatomical Mummy Bear.
WINK--oh, forget it. Just fucking forget it. I hate you.
-> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. If you are interested in obtaining
-> a Mummy Bear teddy bear for your children, please visit:
->
-> http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear
->
-> If you have any questions, you may contact us at:
->
-> mummif...@summum.org
Oh, how quaint. A Web page by someone who hasn't learned that they
can make LINKS to other Web pages instead of just printing the
address you have to type in yourself. (Nothing on that page is
clickable, including the "link" to the ordering page.)
But I am clever and brainy and I will manually enter
"http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear" into my Web browser
to find out just how wonderful it isn't.
-> The Original Summum Mummified Bear - $30.00
->
-> Open the un-bear-lievably soft cape,
That would be so funny if I were Lori Lee Landi without all the smarts.
-> unwrap the Mummy Wrappings and you will discover the one and only,
-> Original Summum Mummy Bear(tm)!
->
-> Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, super-soft shaggy
-> fur mummified bear like no other.
He's a fucking plain old two-dollar teddy bear wrapped in cheap toilet paper.
-> Wrap your mummified bear from head to toe in 3" wide, 2' to 6'
-> long, attached, flannel Mummy Wrappings pawfect for snuggling!
Excuse me, cheap FLANNEL toilet paper.
-> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever.
->
-> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's
-> mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. Suitable for
-> ages 3 years to 101.
What a sweet way to remind grandpa he's about to die!
-> The Anatomical Summum Mummified Bear - $75.00
->
-> Open Mummy Bear's tummy and you will see Mummy Bear's insides.
-> And you can take them out! Kids just love it!!
Doesn't sound as much fun as taking the kids to watch the Easter Bunny
get whipped and crucified.
-> Anatomical Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored,
-> super-soft shaggy fur mummified bear like no other.
Wait, I thought the _other_ one was _also_ "like no other".
-> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever.
->
-> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's
-> anatomical mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards.
-> Suitable for ages 3 years to 101.
->
-> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. Due to high demand, please allow
-> 8 to 10 weeks for delivery.
*cough* *cough*
I think what they meant to say is, "Anyone who would DEMAND one of these
bears would have to be really HIGH."
-> Shipping & Handling is determined based on the amount of your order.
->
->
-> AMOUNT OF ORDER S & H*
-> --------------- ------
->
-> $ up to 19.99 $ 8.50
-> 20.00 - 39.99 10.50
-> 40.00 - 59.99 12.50
-> 60.00 - 79.99 14.50
-> 80.00 - 99.99 16.50
-> 100.00 - 119.99 18.50
-> 120.00 - 139.99 20.50
-> 140.00 - 159.99 22.50
-> 160.00 - 179.99 24.50
-> 180.00 - 199.99 26.50
-> 200.00+ email
Um... hey, idiots, your bears are $30 and $75. Will you really
charge me $8.50 shipping if I order half a stupid bear?
Hey, cool, the order form allowed me to type in my own total price
for the 99999999 bears I just ordered.
So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? I looked at the stupid
non-erotic mummification for kids and bears site. You should be
receiving 99999999 in the mail soon. I wonder how many million weeks
it will take to make them...
-- K.
I hereby swear that if
my stuffed bear ever dies,
I won't have him mummified.
Tim Serpas
>You win, yes. Yes? (checks) Yes, it appears the stuff I had to move to VIC
>when panacea died has only been there for four and a half years now. The
>problem isn't keeping the Websites up, it's keeping the same place under
>them...
Hmmm...
> -rwxr-xr-x 1 wretch users 1767 Jan 20 1997 old.2.index.html
> -rwxr-xr-x 1 wretch users 34504 Jan 20 1997 tim_ids.jpg
> -rwxr-xr-x 1 wretch users 16729 Jan 20 1997 tim_id.jpg
> -rwxr-xr-x 1 wretch users 11843 Jan 20 1997 tim.gif
> -rwxr-xr-x 1 wretch users 1886 Apr 24 1996 netres.feb
> -rwxr-xr-x 1 wretch users 1560 Mar 22 1995 smallpyramid.io.gif
Yeah, pretty much I am the winner.
Wretch
Steve Christensen
> Steve Christensen (stnc...@xmission.com) wrote:
>> Have you looked into mummification?
>>
>> http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/
>>
>> I hadn't been to their web site in a while...
>
> I don't think I've been there in a while either, not since I put
> up my crappy little page of links for the first version of my Web site
> six or seven years ago. Summum was filed under "non-erotic mummification".
>
BZZT! Definitely erotic. I may be just a simple space chicken, but even
I can recognize the giant gold phallus when they were on "Insomiac with
Dave Attell"
Go to: http://www.summum.tv/ , scroll down to the bottom and you'll find
the Insomiac links. There's a link to the ComedyCentral website with the
version that was aired. There's also a link to video they shot while
Dave filmed.
Jacob W. Haller
> http://www.petpreservations.com/photos.html
>
> For only a few thousand dollars, you too can have your beloved Doberman,
> (in a snarling pose) with you forever!
>
> The thought of dusting off Spot's eyeballs creeps me out, though.
That's where the anamatronics come in.
-jwgh
--
"Kibo/DeLaney 2004: More sex with pans. For the children!"
-- Steve Christensen on alt.religion.kibology 12 March 2004
David DeLaney
>> "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.". No,
>> _really_. I am -afraid- to use the search-for block at the left...
>
>Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop
>teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is.
>You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets.
Yaaaay!
Had you in fact already met them? I di'n't think so...
>[From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/]
>->
>-> Springies: On Off Change
>
>Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work.
I'm betting it's what causes the Wondertwin Dancing Trail Of Mummified Bears
power to activate or deactivate. ... Yep.
...Oh my:
Click your Favorite Springy!
Pictures
ú ú ú ú
[these dots separate the heads of a mummified cat, rabbit, bear, what looks
like a mango with hair, and Piglet]
Inner People Parts
Ka ú Ba ú Khu ú Sekhem ú Ren ú Khat ú Shadow ú Akh ú Ab
[NOT CLICKING ON ANY OF THESE THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I've already -got-
plenty of applicants for 'all over you screen']
Or type your name in the box and click the button:
[Or else ... _what_?]
>(And that was the last moment of non-exposure to stupidity I had
>for the next two hours as I worked my way through the site...)
Everybody join hands, Kibo needs our healing powers of bozosity NOW!
>-> She draws hers in the shape of a bear. The kids in her class
>-> laugh at her. They tell her there are no such things as bear mummies.
>
>This is going to lead to one weird show-and-tell session.
"...if you go down to the py-ra-mids today, you'd bet-ter not go, a-lone..."
>-> The Mummy Bear Adventures begin!
>
>Oh dear god, there's more.
I _tried_ to warn him, honest I did, officer.
>-> Mummy Bear discovered the best place to be in the stream of life
>-> is in the center where the flow is gentle. Here is one of his
>-> favorite songs. It's called "Center Flow."
>
>It's about menstruation, except he doesn't call it that, he calls
>it "personstruation" when he sings it at Lilith Fair.
No... I don't think that's about _that_ particular bodily function. [This
was supposedly a boy mummybear, after all.] Remember to stop the flow before
sampling...
>-> Summum makes a Mummy Bear teddy bear available for kids to enjoy
>-> and learn from. The lovable Mummy Bear comes in two versions:
>-> the Original Mummy Bear and the Anatomical Mummy Bear.
>
>WINK--oh, forget it. Just fucking forget it. I hate you.
I'm wondering now if there's a Daddy Bear hidden inside this pile anywhere.
If not it's -really- not worth it...
>-> Anatomical Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored,
>-> super-soft shaggy fur mummified bear like no other.
>
>Wait, I thought the _other_ one was _also_ "like no other".
"I didn't say there was nothing BETTER, I said there was nothing LIKE it."
>Hey, cool, the order form allowed me to type in my own total price
>for the 99999999 bears I just ordered.
>
>So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney?
Well, yes and no. I am gratified for what you've done with/to that poor poor
page, and have some more mental images to file safely away from future
generations... but any society in which Kibos are tortured just to produce
that most evanescent of genres, comedy, has far to go, no?
> -- K.
> I hereby swear that if
> my stuffed bear ever dies,
> I won't have him mummified.
Dave "I think I'll reassure my stuffed cat once I get home, also" DeLaney
James Kibo Parry
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > David DeLaney (d...@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly."
> >
> > teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is.
> > You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets.
>
> Yaaaay!
I enjoy suffering for your happiness. However, your happiness makes me
sad. But sometimes it's good to be sad so I'm happy you're happy but
that probably makes you jealous now that I'm just as happy as you and
I'm even happier that you're jealous and that makes me too happy which
makes me sad so I hope you're happy that now I'm suffering in some
manner so complex that it won't even fit in a run-on sentence.
> > [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/]
> > ->
> > -> Springies: On Off Change
> >
> > Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work.
>
> I'm betting it's what causes the Wondertwin Dancing Trail Of Mummified Bears
> power to activate or deactivate. ... Yep.
>
> ...Oh my:
>
> Click your Favorite Springy!
> Pictures
> ú ú ú ú
> [these dots separate the heads of a mummified cat, rabbit, bear, what looks
> like a mango with hair, and Piglet]
Gee, now I'm glad that I wasn't able to click on a Springy Hairy Mango.
So how was Piglet mummified? Was he stuffed with a spudge and then
dipped in hunny and wrapped in a wet rag that someone left where his
balloon used to be?
> > [...]
> >
> > So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney?
>
> Well, yes and no. I am gratified for what you've done with/to that
> poor poor page, and have some more mental images to file safely away
> from future generations... but any society in which Kibos are tortured
> just to produce that most evanescent of genres, comedy, has far to go, no?
You call this a society?
My definition of "society" is "any civilization which does not permit
children to learn about magical mummified teddy bears from Atlantis".
This isn't a society, it's a lunatic asylum made from cotton candy.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat my way out.
-- K.
So if they caught Cookie
Monster eating the asylum
and mummified him, what
would his authentic
Egyptian mummy name be?
Umm-Numm-Numm!
Joseph Michael Bay
<spam style ="inches-add : immediately ; ">ON FIRE!</spam>
--
TEH D00D AB1D3Z!!!!1!!
teddlesruss
10 system getnews
20 print "Damn you B1FF!"
30 open nntp.txt for input as 1
40 GIT$="twenty bucks SAIT"
50 while not GIT$="Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology"
60 input#1,GIT$
70 if EOF(1) goto 100
80 wend
90 PRINT"THE CLOWN!"
100 goto 10
Theresa Willis
wrote:
Mmmm, yeah, that's some choice hate there, that is. Mmmmm.
The Avocado Avenger
I'm sorry, but I cannot be rational when Elton John is involved.
There's some backhistory there, but I don't think I'm allowed to go into
it, because of the Geneva Convention.
Stacia
Theresa Willis
<sta...@io.com> wrote:
>Theresa Willis wrote:
>> On Thu, 08 Apr 2004 09:41:41 -0500, wre...@fnord.io.com (Tim Serpas)
>> wrote:
>> >The Avocado Avenger <sta...@io.com> wrote:
>
>> >> Please. You could beat Elton John up one side and down the other. In
>> >>fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been,
>> >>overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to
>> >>stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion.
>> >
>> >Aaaah, feel the hate.
>>
>> Mmmm, yeah, that's some choice hate there, that is. Mmmmm.
>
> I'm sorry, but I cannot be rational when Elton John is involved.
>There's some backhistory there, but I don't think I'm allowed to go into
>it, because of the Geneva Convention.
>
Don't matter to me, baby, it got me through the weekend. Oh, yeah.