Pez Dispensers Are Forever
Etienne Rouette
was at his wors^H^H^H^Hbest. I made some minor corrections and figured I
should post the story, since its value is not likely to raise with time.
Special thanks to Kevin "Riboflavin" Allegood who reviewed the first
draft, giving me some more ideas. Most characters are not that fictious
and some are based on living people, except for the midget who's not
fictious at all but is kind of dead. This disclaimer is not required by
leader Kibo.]
Sean Connery is
James "Kibo" Parry
in
An Albert R. Durian film
Pez dispensers are Forever
CAST
James "Kibo" Parry ................................. Sean Connery
Kibo Girl ..................................... Claudia Christian
Mysterious Colonel ...................................... Himself
Q .............................................. Dr. Matt McIrvin
S .................................................... Don Saklad
Midget ........................................ Hervé Villechaize
Waitress .............................................. Maelstrom
Spot ....................................................... Pots
Kibomobile ..................................... Kia-Marie Mennie
INT. S'S SOOPER SEKRIT OFFICE IN BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY
[Enters JAMES "KIBO" PARRY. S stands up to greet KIBO.]
S: There you are, Parry. Please, take a seat.
[As Kibo sits on the chair, it breaks under his weight causing him to
fall down.]
KIBO: A new gadget from your lab, S?
S: No, I bought it at IKEA. What do you know about Pez, Parry?
K (his face expressionless): It's a semi-precious but extremely toxic
substance in his raw form, although used in many fine cuisine dishes in
its processed form. The market for Pez is entirely controlled by the Pez
Corporation. Not much is known about this company, except that it's under
the control of a Mysterious Colonel.
S: Most impressive, Parry. The Bureau wants to send you on a mission to
terminate this monopoly on Pez. It is of the utmost importance that you
succeed, Parry. Here are your tickets to ...
K (emotionless): Tripoli? Casablanca? Moscow?
S: No, Shenectady.
K (obviously shaken): Holy shit!
S: Now, would you like one of my umbrellas?
CUT TO:
INT. Q'S LAB
K: Greetings, Q. What technological wonders have your brilliant
scientists concocted for my fight against the Ark's worst enemies?
Q (boring voice): Take a look at this, James. This ordinary toothbrush,
James, hides a bomb. This seemingly common pack of beef jerky dog treats,
James, hides a bomb. This normal-looking razor, James, hides a bomb.
K: Hmm. Interesting. What's this?
[Close-up of a bomb. Q opens it using a hidden mechanism, revealing
a toothbrush, a pack of beef jerky dog treats and a razor.]
Q (still boring): But, James, it's a bomb...hiding a toothbrush, a
pack of beef jerky dog treats and a razor. It's very handy for travels.
SHOW: Stock footage of a flying British Airways Concorde
CUT TO:
INT. PLANE
[We see Kibo reading Spy magazine. Two seats down the corridor, appears
only the head of a MIDGET (which is quite surprising considering the fact
that he's at least one head shorter than most other people), sneaking
from behind the seat. He lets out maniacal laughter.]
MIDGET: Honh! Honh!
[Under Kibo's seat, close-up of a timed bomb. Suddenly, it explodes!]
SHOW: Stock footage of Challenger explosion.
CUT TO:
INT. LOBBY OF SHENECTADY RITZ-BISCUITS HOTEL
[James Kibo Parry enters hotel lobby. Thanks to his incredible skills, he
appears unharmed. He wipes off dust on his coat. A HAIRY WAITRESS is
behind the counter. She has a very pronounced adam's apple]
K (without any expression): A room for the night, please.
HAIRY WAITRESS (manly voice): Number 42 is vacant, sir.
K (emotionlessly): Hmm. Join me in my room. With a bottle of champagne,
"bien frappé."
[The waitress takes the bottle of Champagne and hits Kibo on the head
with it.]
K (with a smile): Hmm. Just my type of woman.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM
[Kibo is cooling off on the bed of the hotel room. He's been there
for no more than 5 minutes, when a black silhouette is seen through
the window. Suddenly, the man breaks the window open and bursts into
the room. He looks like a big man with wide shoulders and prominent
muscles. He's all dressed in black and we can't see his face. As soon as
he's in the room, he attacks Kibo fiercely. James "Kibo" Parry, master of
all martial arts (including Doidytsu, an old-timey indo-sumerian martial
art), can't be beaten that easily. He punches the man on the face. Kibo
shows no emotion whatsoever.]
MAN: Ugh!
[Man hits Kibo on the face. No reaction.]
MAN: Ugh!
[Kibo hits the man on the face]
MAN: Ugh!
[Man hits Kibo on the face. No reaction.]
Man: Ugh!
[Kibo hits the man repeatedly like a boxer on a punching bag. Kibo
is now on top of the man in black, and he hits him on the head several
times. When he's knocked unconscious, Kibo takes out the mask to
reveal... this movie's KIBO GIRL. She has a cut in the corner of her
mouth but she's still as beautiful as usual. Her muscles are no longer
visible.]
K: Hmmm.
KIBO GIRL: Ahh! James!
Kibo starts kissing the girl passionately.
[Camera pans to let us see the beautiful painting over the bed. We hear
feminine shouts of pleasure. Camera pans down to the bed. We see the girl
checking her watch for time, obviously bored. A tape is playing besides
the bed. The sounds of feminine pleasure come from there.
We then see Kibo and the girl, through what seems to be a GUN'S
TELESCOPE. Enters the Midget. We see him, holding what is
in fact a video camera, obviously enjoying the sight (the midget
not the camera.]
MIDGET: Honh! Honh!
[Kibo sees the Midget. He jumps out of bed, magically dressed in his
usual tuxedo, impeccable. The Midget wants to get out of there, but
Kibo catches him before he's out of the room.]
K (suspicious): I recognize you. You were in the plane when it exploded.
How can you still be alive, unless you knew there would be a bomb in the
plane?
M: Honh! Honh! M. Pari! M. Pari! I don't do anything. I just small tiny
Midget. You not recognize me?
Kibo Girl: Believe him, James. He's the small Midget from "Fantasy
Island!"
K: A small midget... as opposed to a big midget, I guess?
[Kibo takes a small object from inside his coat.]
K: Have you ever seen this?
M: Non, M. Pari, non.
K: So, you don't mind eating some?
M (obviously really scared): No! No! Everything but this, M. Pari!
Girl (whispering): What is it, James?
K: Pez.
K (to Midget): You tell me who you work for, or else...
M: I don't know him, I never see him. It's a Colonel. All I know. He has
a warehouse here in Shenectady.
K: Guide us to this warehouse.
M: I don't can M. Pari. I have to see "Dr. Jerry et Mr. Hyde." It's on
TV now.
K: What's so important about it?
M: Jerry Lewis is in it! Worship! Worship! Honh! Honh!
[The midget runs to the TV set]
K: I guess that means we'll have to find it by ourselves.
CUT TO:
OUT. ON THE ROAD TO THE WAREHOUSE
[Kibo and his girl are in this movie's Kibomobile. It's a
magnificent new KIA. In the background, we see a column of thick,
black smoke.]
Girl: What is it, James?
K: It looks like... a burning village. Something tells me we're on the
right trail.
[They arrive at the end of the road. There's a big mountain in front
of them. The Shenectady Mountains, featuring some of the biggest small
mountains in the world.]
K: We'll have to climb.
CUT TO:
OUT. HIGH INTO THE SHENECTADIES
[We see Kibo and Kibo Girl looking at the magnificent city of
Shenectady, with its 13 bungalows, down the mountain. Kibo is watching
something through his binoculars. It's a warehouse with a 20 meter-high
red neon sign on top, saying: "Pez Corporation."]
K: Something tells me this is what we're looking for.
Girl: Ahh, James! You're so great!
K: I know.
[Kibo takes what looks like an Umbrella from inside his coat's
pocket.]
Girl: What is it, James?
K: It's a gadget designed by Q on the express demand of S. S called it
a bumberchute.
Girl: What is it for, James?
K: It's exactly like an umbrella except you can also use it
as a parachute. That's why it's called "bumberchute." Grab
me hard by the waist. We're going down.
Girl: Is it safe, James?
K: How should I know, no one has ever tried it.
[Kibo jumps as he opens up the bumberchute. They go down smoothly,
then touch the ground. The letters "BPL" are clearly visible on top
of the hybrid umbrella-parachute.]
K: We'll have to leave it here. Let's go! Remind me to go look for it in
the Boston Public Library's lost and found section, or S will NOT be
happy.
CUT TO:
INT. PEZ CORPORATION WAREHOUSE
[James "Kibo" Parry and Kibo Girl are entering the Pez Corporation's
Sekrit Warehouse in Shenectady, stockpile of all the Pez in the world,
in the hope of finding the Colonel and his gang. Kibo has a weird device
in his hand that looks just like a Pez Dispenser.]
Girl: What's this, James?
K: You didn't ask that last night!
Girl: No, the device.
K: Oh. It's a Pez-o-Meter model 13-09-1999. It can detect Pez
hidden in a pack of Cheez, from a distance of 100 km.
[Notice the Sekrit Space:1999 reference that Noone will get except for
the real fans. It'll be as cool as the Farenheit 451 references hidden in
the Star Trek movies by Steven Spielberg]
[We see lots of cardboard boxes, labeled: "Orbitz," "Zima,"
"Elastic Bacon," "Animal 57: Do not tap on glass," "LSB's first
message-id: Part 1 of 12," in the background.]
PEZ DETECTOR (with Spot's voice): YERCOLD! YERCOLD! YERCOLD!
YERCLOZ! YERCLOZ! YERHOT! YERHOT! IZHERE! IZHERE!
Girl: What does it mean?
K: My Pez detector tells me that it is here.
[We see a cardboard box labeled: "PEZ. FRAGILE." Kibo tries to open
it with his bare hands in spite of the danger associated with the
manipulation of raw Pez, so he can risk his life again, for no
apparent reason.
Enters a VILLAIN and two of his GOONS.]
VILLAIN: Who are you? And what do you think you're doing here?
K: Name is Parry, James "Kibo" Parry. And you must be... The Bastard:
Colonel Mike Zeares (ret.), from the British Army and well-known
village burner. And here is this movie's Kibo Girl. Ain't she hot?
ZEARES: As usual, Parry.
[He kisses Kibo Girl on the back of the hand.]
Z: It's a pleasure, lady.
Girl: Bastard!
Z: Charming! At last, we meet face to face, Mr. Parry. I guess that means
you'll have to die.
K: It wouldn't help to kill me, Colonel. 043 would take my place.
Z: I don't mind 043. You are my most dangerous enemy, 042.
K (pointing in front of him, with a convincing expression):
Look, Colonel, a burning village!
[Kibo takes advantage of the fact that Zeares turns his attention towards
the imaginary burning village named Valerie, to emotionlessly knock him
and his two goons down with a single punch.]
K (no emotion): Let's get outta here.
[As they run away from the Warehouse, they stumble over the Midget. He
has two big guns in each of his small hands.]
M: Honh! Honh! M. Pari. Honh! Honh! You not leave zis place alive!
[Kibo takes his electric razor out from the inside pocket of his coat. He
hands it to the Midget.]
K: Have this. It should come in handy. Jerry Lewis is waiting outside of
the warehouse.
M: Honh! Thanks a lot M. Pari! Honh! Honh!
K (no emotion): Let's not waste more time here.
[Kibo and Kibo Girl run out of the warehouse as the Midget turns the
razor on. We hear the sound of an enormous explosion as we see stock
footage of an exploding oil refinery.]
K: I guess we'll never hear of this bastard again. At least not until
"Son of Zeares" is out. (A Roger Douglas film, at a theater near you).
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM
[We see Kibo and Kibo Girl IN BED. They're smoking a cigarette.]
Girl (sensually): Ohh! James! That was so good.
K (emotionless face): Hmm.
[The girl gets up, with the sheets all over her. She's heading for
the bathroom. She turns towards the bed.]
Girl: James, can I borrow your toothbrush?
K: With great pleasure.
[She lets her sheets go down to reveal... another set of sheets. She
walks into the bathroom. An expression of sudden comprehension appears
on Kibo's face.]
K: Hem...
[Too late. We hear an explosion.
SPOT happens to walk by at about the same time.]
SPOT: I want some beef jerky.
K: You're allowed.
[Kibo gives him one beef jerky dog treat. Spot explodes as we see
stock footage of Spot exploding from Spot's Third First Christmas.]
THE END
See James "Kibo" Parry again in his next exciting adventure:
"From Lubbock with Love"
James Kibo Parry
who forgot to set a "real name", wrote:
>
> Sean Connery is
> James "Kibo" Parry
>
> in
>
>
> [...]
>
> S: No, I bought it at IKEA. What do you know about Pez, Parry?
>
> K (his face expressionless): It's a semi-precious but extremely toxic
> substance in his raw form, although used in many fine cuisine dishes in
> its processed form. The market for Pez is entirely controlled by the Pez
> Corporation. Not much is known about this company, except that it's under
> the control of a Mysterious Colonel.
You need to capture the Connerific flavor a little more dryly:
K: Pez. Semi-precious in its raw form, highly toxic. The Fakirs of
East India use it to induce women to do the most perverted things.
Highly prized, it's -- excuse me, I'm getting a call. They need me
to appear in "Highlander 8 Meets Zardoz". I play a talking twig. (Exits)
> [...}
>
> K (emotionless): Tripoli? Casablanca? Moscow?
>
> S: No, Shenectady.
Shpelling, S, you mishpelt Schenectady.
> [...]
>
> SHOW: Stock footage of a flying British Airways Concorde
Is it all burry and grainy and distorted like that one at the end of
"South Park" that they use to fly the paper cutouts of the guest
stars to the computer where they make the cartoon every week?
Man, I don't want to fly any airline that only supplies EP-mode VHS
tapes to shows about toilet-mouthed toddlers made out of scrap paper.
> [...]
>
> [Kibo sees the Midget.
I think you should expand this to the whole movie: KIBO SEES A MIDGET.
> [...]
>
> [Kibo and his girl are in this movie's Kibomobile. It's a
> magnificent new KIA. In the background, we see a column of thick,
> black smoke.]
THIS button eliminates the pursuing sports cars by laying a thick
carpet of broken auto parts all over the highway!
> [...]
>
> [We see Kibo and Kibo Girl looking at the magnificent city of
> Shenectady, with its 13 bungalows, down the mountain. Kibo is watching
> something through his binoculars. It's a warehouse with a 20 meter-high
> red neon sign on top, saying: "Pez Corporation."]
Spy Fox enters and complains that the entire building tastes like soap.
Then Leah Verre cheats at "Go Fish" and "Hide The Toothbrush".
> [...]
>
> K: It's exactly like an umbrella except you can also use it
> as a parachute. That's why it's called "bumberchute." Grab
> me hard by the waist. We're going down.
>
> Girl: Is it safe, James?
>
> K: How should I know, no one has ever tried it.
I think I would actually say something flip yet mordant like:
"As safe as anything can be when designed by Don Saklad."
Then I'd say a lame pun like:
(passing her the umbrella handle) "Think you can HANDLE this?"
...and don't forget that we have to be broadcast live to all
kings and queens throughout England while we make out.
> [Kibo jumps as he opens up the bumberchute. They go down smoothly,
> then touch the ground. The letters "BPL" are clearly visible on top
> of the hybrid umbrella-parachute.]
I thought that said "hybrid potato" because apparently my eyes can
glue together two wholly unrelated words into a related word.
Did they go for "portabella"? No, they went for "potato". Because
potatos are shaped like umbrellas and mushrooms are shaped like footballs.
> [...]
>
> K: Oh. It's a Pez-o-Meter model 13-09-1999. It can detect Pez
> hidden in a pack of Cheez, from a distance of 100 km.
Waah! I don't WANT to find Pez with stupid cheez glop stuck to them!
I want a detector that detects the lack of cheez in Pez!
And to remind me if I lose the detector, I want another detector
that detects the lack of detectors!
[rest of movie elided to save some suspense for the theater.]
-- K.
By "theater" I mean the
illegitimate stage.
Combat Sleeve
> Etienne Rouette (etienne...@sympatico.ca),
> who forgot to set a "real name", wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry
> >
> > in
> >
> >
> > [...]
> >
> >
> > K (his face expressionless): It's a semi-precious but extremely toxic
> > substance in his raw form, although used in many fine cuisine dishes in
> > its processed form. The market for Pez is entirely controlled by the Pez
> > Corporation. Not much is known about this company, except that it's under
> > the control of a Mysterious Colonel.
>
>
> K: Pez. Semi-precious in its raw form, highly toxic. The Fakirs of
> East India use it to induce women to do the most perverted things.
> Highly prized, it's -- excuse me, I'm getting a call. They need me
> to appear in "Highlander 8 Meets Zardoz". I play a talking twig. (Exits)
>
> > K (emotionless): Tripoli? Casablanca? Moscow?
> >
> > S: No, Shenectady.
>
>
> > [...]
> >
>
> "South Park" that they use to fly the paper cutouts of the guest
> stars to the computer where they make the cartoon every week?
>
> Man, I don't want to fly any airline that only supplies EP-mode VHS
> tapes to shows about toilet-mouthed toddlers made out of scrap paper.
>
>
> > [...]
> >
> > [Kibo sees the Midget.
>
> I think you should expand this to the whole movie: KIBO SEES A MIDGET.
>
>
> > [...]
> >
> > magnificent new KIA. In the background, we see a column of thick,
> > black smoke.]
>
> carpet of broken auto parts all over the highway!
>
> > [...]
> >
> > Shenectady, with its 13 bungalows, down the mountain. Kibo is watching
> > something through his binoculars. It's a warehouse with a 20 meter-high
> > red neon sign on top, saying: "Pez Corporation."]
>
> Then Leah Verre cheats at "Go Fish" and "Hide The Toothbrush".
>
> > [...]
> >
> > as a parachute. That's why it's called "bumberchute." Grab
> > me hard by the waist. We're going down.
> >
> > Girl: Is it safe, James?
> >
> > K: How should I know, no one has ever tried it.
>
>
> "As safe as anything can be when designed by Don Saklad."
>
> Then I'd say a lame pun like:
>
> (passing her the umbrella handle) "Think you can HANDLE this?"
>
> ...and don't forget that we have to be broadcast live to all
> kings and queens throughout England while we make out.
>
> > then touch the ground. The letters "BPL" are clearly visible on top
> > of the hybrid umbrella-parachute.]
>
> glue together two wholly unrelated words into a related word.
>
> Did they go for "portabella"? No, they went for "potato". Because
> potatos are shaped like umbrellas and mushrooms are shaped like footballs.
>
> > [...]
> >
> > hidden in a pack of Cheez, from a distance of 100 km.
>
>
> I want a detector that detects the lack of cheez in Pez!
>
> And to remind me if I lose the detector, I want another detector
> that detects the lack of detectors!
>
> [rest of movie elided to save some suspense for the theater.]
>
> -- K.
>
> By "theater" I mean the
> illegitimate stage.
The Martians are coming.
fB
> Got nothin', just like the title of the thread.
>
> The Martians are coming.
You had to be here.
--
fB