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The Avocado Avenger

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Oct 18, 2000, 11:58:33 PM10/18/00
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Help.

--
Two golfers walk on to the first tee.

The first golfer hits a wild slice, and the ball is heading out of
bounds. Suddenly, a parachute pops out of the ball, and it floats
gently down onto the side of the fairway.

On the second tee, the first golfer hits a bad hook, and the ball
disappears into thick rough. Second golfer is sure they will never
recover it. But, as they approach the rough, they hear a "beep, beep,
beep" from the ball.

The third hole is over a lake. First golfer hits another bad shot, and
the ball disappears into the water. A few seconds later, the ball pops
up, two tiny oars appear, and steadily row the ball to the bank.

Second golfer exclaims: "That ball is incredible! How on earth did you
get hold of it?"

First golfer: "I found it."

--

I don't get it.


Stacia * The Avocado Avenger * Life is a tale told by an idiot;
http://www.io.com/~stacia/ * Full of sound and fury,
There is no guacamole anywhere. * Signifying nothing.

Daniel Buettner

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Oct 19, 2000, 12:41:15 AM10/19/00
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The Avocado Avenger <sta...@io.com> wrote:
>
> Help.
>
> --
> Two golfers walk on to the first tee.
>
> The first golfer hits a wild slice, and the ball is heading out of
> bounds. Suddenly, a parachute pops out of the ball, and it floats
> gently down onto the side of the fairway.
>
> On the second tee, the first golfer hits a bad hook, and the ball
> disappears into thick rough. Second golfer is sure they will never
> recover it. But, as they approach the rough, they hear a "beep, beep,
> beep" from the ball.
>
> The third hole is over a lake. First golfer hits another bad shot, and
> the ball disappears into the water. A few seconds later, the ball pops
> up, two tiny oars appear, and steadily row the ball to the bank.
>
> Second golfer exclaims: "That ball is incredible! How on earth did you
> get hold of it?"
>
> First golfer: "I found it."
>
> --
>
> I don't get it.

See, what happened on the first hole, is that golfer number
one got eager and hit the "X" button before letting the
swing indicator return to the yellow region. This caused
his slice.

.-----.
/ ,---. \<--- RED REGION
/\/ \ \
| | |-|
| | |_|<--- YELLOW REGION
\ \ / /
\ `---' /
`-----'

On the next hole, he tried to compensate, but waited too
long and the swing indicator passed into the red regiion.
This caused his hook.

On the third hole, he let the upswing top out (in an effort
to blast the ball clear of the water hazard) but the
downswing was too uncontrolled and once again he hit "X" in
the red region. That's why he landed in the water.

The funny part comes in when you realize that some bozo
thinks those d00ds in the Playstation are actually talking
to each other about finding a golf ball that couldn't
possibly get lost.

Mostly, my guys just say things like "JUST HIT IT!" or
"HEY... NICE LIE!".

HTH,
--
~
~
~
"Daniel Buettner" line 4 of 4 --100%--

Crgre Jvyyneq

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Oct 19, 2000, 12:55:03 AM10/19/00
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[The Avocado Avenger, alt.religion.kibology, Thu, 19 Oct 2000
03:58:33 GMT]

>I don't get it.
>

It's hard to find golf balls because of the Magnus effect,
caused by all those little dimples. SO, it's funny when someone
actually does find a golf ball.

--
Peter Willard http://www.drizzle.com/~petew
``Moving my feet to the disco beat
How in the world could I keep my seat'' -- Rick Dees and his
Cast of Idiots

Ben Allard

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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The Avocado Avenger wrote:
>
[joke, beable, golf, woxwox]

> --
>
> I don't get it.

Of course not: you didn't include the punch line:

This incredible golf ball has been driving the second golfer out of his
mind with jealousy and when the first golfer mentions that he simply
FOUND the amazing ball, the second golfer is ready to murder. At this
opportune moment, the amazing golf ball extrudes a tee. The second
golfer, wild with covetousness, seizes the ball and jams it into the eye
of the first golfer. Naturally this kills the first golfer instantly
and the second golfer, horrified at murdering his best friend and
half-brother while elated to finally posses the ball, snatches the ball
out of the gory socket (FNARR FNARR) and hides the body in the sand trap
on the 18th hole.

When he gets home the second golfer is startled to find that the ball is
pristine, showing no signs of the crime. While he is wondering at this,
his wife happens upon him in the vestibule. When she sees the ball, she
too is instantly smitten with desire. She asks him where he got it, but
he is evasive and brief. She then vows that she will learn the golf
ball's dark choco^H^H^H^H^Hsecrets.

The second golfer is a man possessed. His brother forgotten, he can
hardly wait to take the ball back to the course to try it himself. He
schedules a round of golf at the club for the next day, but his wife
overhears him on the phone. She demands that he take her with him.
This is highly unusual, but she is insistent and he relents(FNARR).

The next day they arrive at the club, rent the wife a set of clubs(FNARR
FNARR FNARR), and proceed to the course. Over the course of the game,
as the wife witnesses the prodigious powers of the ball she becomes ever
more enamored of it. However, just before the final hole, the second
golfer stops short. He remembers the body of his brother waiting,
undiscovered, in the next sand trap. Fearful that his wife might
discover the body, he tells her to wait by the cart while he goes on to
the hole alone(FNARR).

The wife is suspicious that the second golfer has hidden a cache of
similar balls at the 18th hole and wishes to conceal them further. At
this instant, the golf ball falls from the second golfer's bag. This
catches their eyes, and the husband turns to retrieve his treasured
possession. As he is bending, the ball seems to glint and shimmer
seductively. The wife is transfixed as the ball trembles in a soft
breeze.

In an instant she takes up her sand wedge (the wedge, though less
popular than the heavier and blunter 9 iron, is actually more effective
in splitting skulls because of its wedge shape) and dashes her husband's
gray matter across the trunk of a near-by willow tree.

Now she has the ball.

The ball changes ownership many times through out the centuries,
bringing hardship, suffering, and death to all who come into contact
with it. Its long and bloody history traces a vivid trail down the
links of the ages.

This isn't so much a joke as an allegory against golf.

--ben

HTH!

Ted Frank

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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A. Avenger writes:
> I don't get it.

1) It's a good thing that golf ball wasn't green.

2) You left out the part about the miniature lobsters inside the ball.

3) E-mail me, and I'll give you a real explanation.
--
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
-- Woody Allen

Stefan Elisa Kapusniak

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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In alt.religion.kibology, sta...@io.com (The Avocado Avenger) asked
for a explanation of:

>Two golfers walk on to the first tee.
>
>The first golfer hits a wild slice, and the ball is heading out of
>bounds. Suddenly, a parachute pops out of the ball, and it floats
>gently down onto the side of the fairway.

IMPORTANT QUESTION: Was the golf ball green?


<more super spy [SPYFOX!] golf ball stuff snipped>


>Second golfer exclaims: "That ball is incredible! How on earth did you
>get hold of it?"
>
>First golfer: "I found it."

PREMISE: This golf ball can never be lost.
PREMISE: Someone found this golfball.
IMPLYING: Someone lost this golfball.
THEREFORE: This golfball is an unloseable object that has
been lost.
CONSEQUENCE: Majel Barret does not compute, William Shatner
explodes, MUCH WACKINESS ENSUES.

It's like that joke about the Cretan who goes around
telling people that all Cretan's are liars. Only not
nearly as good.

Or more simply:

PREMISE: It is a joke.
PREMISE: All jokes are by definition NOT FUNNY.
THEREFORE: This joke is NOT FUNNY.


-- Kapusniak, Stefan

Stefan Elisa Kapusniak

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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In alt.religion.kibology, Ben Allard <bal...@wpi.edu> wrote:
>The Avocado Avenger wrote:
>>
>[joke, beable, golf, woxwox]
>> --
>>
>> I don't get it.
>
>Of course not: you didn't include the punch line:
[...60 line punchline, elided...]

By now I think we've conclusively established that
this joke is badly in need of REWRITES by a proper
team of script doctors.

Taking into account Ben's valuable input on the
problem I suggest we replace the last line of
Stacia's original rendition:

"I found it."

With:

"The last guy who got a lower score than me?
I pried it from his COLD DEAD FINGERS."


-- Kapusniak, Stefan e

pete

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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The Avocado Avenger wrote:
> How on earth did you
> get hold of it?"
>
> First golfer: "I found it."
>
> --
>
> I don't get it.

They were all unlosable balls.
I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game.

--
pete

pete

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
to
The Avocado Avenger wrote:
> How on earth did you
> get hold of it?"
>
> First golfer: "I found it."
>
> --
>
> I don't get it.

They were all unlosable balls.
I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game,
after somebody loses a ball.

--
pete

Joshua E Millard

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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> How on earth did you
> get hold of it?"
>
> First golfer: "I found it."
>
> --
>
> I don't get it.

They were all unlosable balls.
I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game,
after somebody loses a ball, unless it's a new moon, in which case they
should try for the field goal.

--
pete


Ben Allard

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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Stefan Elisa Kapusniak wrote:
> PREMISE: This golf ball can never be lost.
> PREMISE: Someone found this golfball.

Aha! I have found a hole in your logic!!1! You should get your logic
darned!

The suppressed premise here is that something must be lost in order to
be found. What if some kindly inventor (or a hell-spawned demon intent
on creating strife and human misery, as my likely and TRUE punchline
suggests) had placed the ball along the fairway on the 2nd hole where
the first golfer happened upon it? Your whole argument falls down!

> IMPLYING: Someone lost this golfball.
> THEREFORE: This golfball is an unloseable object that has
> been lost.
> CONSEQUENCE: Majel Barret does not compute, William Shatner
> explodes, MUCH WACKINESS ENSUES.

I always thought that the original Star Trek could be much improved if
someone replaced the original score with wacky kazoo music.

--ben

Herein I have transposed a small section of the opening theme:
vvvv-vvvvVVVvvvvv
vvvv-vvvvVVVVVVvvvVVVvvvv
vvv-vvv-VVVV-VVVV-vvv-vvv

Ben Allard

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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Stefan Elisa Kapusniak wrote:
>
> In alt.religion.kibology, Ben Allard <bal...@wpi.edu> wrote:
> >The Avocado Avenger wrote:
> >>
> >[joke, beable, golf, woxwox]
> >> --
> >>
> >> I don't get it.
> >
> >Of course not: you didn't include the punch line:
> [...60 line punchline, elided...]
>

I would like to apologize for the length of the former post and promise
to never again post under the influence of being awake at 3am. Never
before have I realized just how reckless and irresponsible my actions
have been. I vow to totally abstain from ever being awake at 3am again
and, if possible, at any other time.

> By now I think we've conclusively established that
> this joke is badly in need of REWRITES by a proper
> team of script doctors.
>
> Taking into account Ben's valuable input on the
> problem I suggest we replace the last line of
> Stacia's original rendition:
>
> "I found it."
>
> With:
>
> "The last guy who got a lower score than me?
> I pried it from his COLD DEAD FINGERS."

But that completely ignores the important moral and socio-political
messages contained in my punchline, and just replaces it with casual
violence and a saccharine, contrived ending.

Wait a minute...

You are Michael Eisner and I claim Walt Disney's frozen head in a jar!

--ben

Karlo Takki

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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sta...@io.com (The Avocado Avenger) wrote in
<EjuH5.64177$bI6.2...@news1.giganews.com>:

> I don't get it.

You left out the punchline: you see the ball was really
an alien landing module (parachute, beacon, etc.) and
when the first golfer gets ready to putt, Zxvbryx steps out
and vaporizes him and says "That's for the double-bogie on
the 5th hole, gas breather!".

It's funnier if you hear it in the original Reptoid. There's
a pun that doesn't well translate at all.


k.
--
"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are
really good at heart." - Anne Frank

The Avocado Avenger

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
to
Ben Allard <bal...@wpi.edu> writes:
>The Avocado Avenger wrote:
>>
>[joke, beable, golf, woxwox]
>>
>> I don't get it.

>Of course not: you didn't include the punch line:

>This incredible golf ball has been driving the second golfer out of his
>mind with jealousy and when the first golfer mentions that he simply
[snipped 41 lines of "punch line"]


>This isn't so much a joke as an allegory against golf.

You people task me.
When I asked what the joke that went with the punch line "silly rabbi,
bris are for yids!", you all ignored me. When I tried to be 'spot of
robots' friend, you mocked me. Now this! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Is there no
love left on ARK at all??!!! Accursed foul men with naught a soul amongst
you!!!

The Avocado Avenger

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
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pete <pfi...@mindspring.com> first wrote:

>They were all unlosable balls.

>I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game.

Then, reconsidering, pete <pfi...@mindspring.com> wrote:

>They were all unlosable balls.
>I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game,

>after somebody loses a ball.

I liked the second one better.
Also, THIS JOKE REALLY SUCKS. What are rec.humor.funny's standards
nowadays, anyway? As long as it's text, with maybe an intelligble word in
there somewhere? Sheesh.

Mikal 606

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Oct 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/19/00
to

"The Avocado Avenger" <sta...@io.com> wrote in message
news:haLH5.66693$bI6.2...@news1.giganews.com...

> pete <pfi...@mindspring.com> first wrote:
>
> >They were all unlosable balls.
> >I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game.
>
> Then, reconsidering, pete <pfi...@mindspring.com> wrote:
>
> >They were all unlosable balls.
> >I think the joke needs to be set up and told during an actual golf game,
> >after somebody loses a ball.
>
> I liked the second one better.
> Also, THIS JOKE REALLY SUCKS. What are rec.humor.funny's standards
> nowadays, anyway? As long as it's text, with maybe an intelligble word in
> there somewhere? Sheesh.
>

You are Joey Manfire, and I claim my ``pussyfoot" pajamas with the attached
booties.

Crgre Jvyyneq

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Oct 19, 2000, 9:30:59 PM10/19/00
to
[Stefan Elisa Kapusniak, alt.religion.kibology, Thu, 19 Oct 2000
07:38:14 GMT]
<snip>

> explodes, MUCH WACKINESS ENSUES.
>
> It's like that joke about the Cretan who goes around
> telling people that all Cretan's are liars. Only not
> nearly as good.

You are Najunamar and I demand my unplayable LP record!

Mark Hill

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Oct 20, 2000, 2:42:37 AM10/20/00
to
petew+...@drizzle.com (Crgre Jvyyneq) writes:
> [The Avocado Avenger, alt.religion.kibology, Thu, 19 Oct 2000
> 03:58:33 GMT]
>
> >I don't get it.
> >
>
> It's hard to find golf balls because of the Magnus effect,
> caused by all those little dimples. SO, it's funny when someone
> actually does find a golf ball.

I thought it was caused by the plutonium inside.

David DeLaney

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Oct 20, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/20/00
to
The Avocado Avenger <sta...@io.com> wrote:
>Ben Allard <bal...@wpi.edu> writes:
>>[joke, beable, golf, woxwox]

>>Of course not: you didn't include the punch line:
>>This incredible golf ball has been driving the second golfer out of his
>>mind with jealousy and when the first golfer mentions that he simply
>[snipped 41 lines of "punch line"]
>>This isn't so much a joke as an allegory against golf.
>
> You people task me.
> When I asked what the joke that went with the punch line "silly rabbi,
>bris are for yids!", you all ignored me. When I tried to be 'spot of
>robots' friend, you mocked me. Now this! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Is there no
>love left on ARK at all??!!! Accursed foul men with naught a soul amongst
>you!!!

You know what? It's -very- difficult to simultaneously read a.r.k and listen
to a new-to-me adventure of Nick... Danger!

Dave "America's _Only_ Detective!" DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://panacea.phys.utk.edu/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ/ I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.

Fool

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Oct 20, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/20/00
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I use depleted uranium for this purpose.

--
To email me, remove 'it' from my address.

Andrew Jeanes

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Oct 20, 2000, 3:00:00 AM10/20/00
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In article <39EE9E2D...@wpi.edu>, Ben Allard <bal...@wpi.edu> wrote:
>The Avocado Avenger wrote:
>>
>[joke, beable, golf, woxwox]
>> --
>>
>> I don't get it.
>
>Of course not: you didn't include the punch line:
>
[lust,murder,sand wedge...]

>
>The ball changes ownership many times through out the centuries,
>bringing hardship, suffering, and death to all who come into contact
>with it. Its long and bloody history traces a vivid trail down the
>links of the ages.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, crude as it was, the first
_Heavy Metal_ movie was still better than this silly sequel.

Andrew "you die, she dies, everybody dies" Jeanes

--
"Sea language would be a very terse and economical speech if the
Old Man didn't lose the advantage by padding it with unnecessary
expletives." --Robert Cushman Murphy, _Logbook for Grace_


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