News from the front (Cone pic tease, too!)
Andrew J. Zimolzak
not sure anyone here recognizes me, but I feel I need to post an update
of my life. Well, not my life at large, just the Kibological portions.
* The other day I was flipping teevee channels when an animated show
caught my momentary interest. I believe it was that "Blossom, the
Teenage Witch" show. I was just about to flip again when somebody was
transmogrified into a GIANT FUKKEN LOBSTER!!1! He ran around for a while
yelling something incomprehensible ("Fnaw, fnaw!" maybe?) and duly
changed back to a person. I kept watching. At the very end, there was a
sign behind somebody's head that was entirely obscured except for a red
letter Y. Nothing more than a subliminal message representing a tiny
lobster! Hivemind is spreading. And it has talking cats now, too.
* There has been a disturbing presence of orange cones around the campus
of MSU lately. I've been taking pictures, but I'm still using an analog
camera, so I have to finish the roll first. Just wait a liiiitle bit
longer.
* I had a Kibological dream the other night (my first, I guess),
although it wasn't *real* Kibological. It just involved a bunch of
people's names, as far as I remember. I think it involved the contrast
of Chris Franks vs. Ted Frank and Louis Nick III vs. Simon Clark 2000.
(Perhaps more interesting is that last night I was up extra-late with a
chemistry book. My alarm clock rang at 6:40 this morning, and I was so
sleepy I wacky-parsed it as "six, lone-pair, 4, oxygen.")
--
Andy Z.
Chris Franks
>
> * I had a Kibological dream the other night (my first, I guess),
> although it wasn't *real* Kibological. It just involved a bunch of
> people's names, as far as I remember. I think it involved the contrast
> of Chris Franks vs. Ted Frank
I really apologize for invading your dream. My own college chemistry
class was bad, because it included Tony Iannarone blowing off both of
his hands when he was mixing up a noise maker.
6 months later, he was back in class with a pair of hooks, and a new
major.
David Pacheco
said:
> I really apologize for invading your dream. My own college chemistry
> class was bad, because it included Tony Iannarone blowing off both of
> his hands when he was mixing up a noise maker.
> 6 months later, he was back in class with a pair of hooks,
YM "claws". Because yadda yadda was a LOBSTER deedle deedle.
> and a new
> major.
Fishing?
My school nightmare ended one morning with the police kicking
down the door and storming into the classroom, shooting and
killing the teacher before she had a chance to return fire.
Because she wasn't a teacher, she was the owner and operator of
an illegal sweatshop in the slums of downtown Chicago. And we
weren't really students taking the world's longest Home Ec class,
we were poor immigrants abducted and forced into servitude at a
very young age. And it wasn't a classroom, but a huge
manufacturing warehouse divided into 'production zones', one for
cheap clothing branded as "Levi's" or "Kathy Lee Gifford
Fashions", and the other for mood-altering drugs. And they
weren't really police, they were members of a rival drug gang
muscling in on our territory. And it wasn't really my school
nightmare, it was the story I told the *real* police when they
came to sort through the bodies. And they weren't really bodies,
they were pods that had been molted by the creatures that had
abducted us and forced us to submit to cavity searches using
large wooden salad tongs. And she wasn't really a teacher, she
was the head alien and had tentacles for eyes, and her breasts
gave forth black ichor that squirted right into your face if you
hadn't done your school homework. And we hadn't really been
abducted, we had volunteered because we secretly liked the
invasive searches, but we claimed that we were abducted and
forced because we were ashamed of our secret longings. And it
wasn't really a warehouse, it was a giant spaceship using a
radar-cloaking device moored just off the coast of Panama. And
they weren't a member of a rival gang, they were Earth microbes
that had been accidentally let into the mothership by someone who
had left the screen door open. And they didn't shoot and kill
the teacher, the microbes just gave her a nasty hacking cough
that just wouldn't go away, even though the mothership doctor
(Mr. Kh'Tarr) told her to drink plenty of acid and get some bed
rest. And she didn't die, but the semester ended and when we
came back the next year there was a new teacher. And then that
next year we didn't take Home Ec any more, we just pretty much
stood in line outside the huge alien laboratory all year, waiting
to be probed. Again. And we weren't poor immigrants, we were
the sons and daughters of the richest families in Chicago and
Panama, and our parents had paid millions for the privilege of
sending us to this exclusive warehouse/mothership/laboratory to
prepare us to be captains and leaders of industry. And the head
teacher wasn't an alien, she was from Duluth and her name was
"Joyce", and she was perfectly nice, although she sometimes
stuttered when she was angry. And we weren't making Levi's, we
were making Calvin Klein jeans, because this was the early 80's
and they were very much in fashion, and we labored in silence
under the glaring eyes of Brooke Shields, of whom we were all
very afraid. And Joyce never squirted us with black ichor from
her breasts when we didn't turn in our homework, she just gave us
these looks of disapproval that made you feel very bad that you
had failed her. And then because you had failed her, she failed
YOU. And failing in this classroom meant you had to go and work
in the mood-altering drug section of the mothership, where
conditions were not so pleasant, and many of my classmates who
went there were never heard from again. Except sometimes their
faces would appear on the milk cartons we were given as
sustenance during lunch recess. Except it wasn't always milk,
sometimes it was black ichor, swarming with Earth microbes. And
we didn't use a radar-cloaking device, since this was the time of
Colonel Noriega in Panama, and he welcomed the aliens as
potential allies in his undercover drug war against the U.S., so
the ship didn't need to hide so we just draped some colored
bunting over it and pretended it was a Fry's Electronics. And we
weren't cavity-searched by the aliens, but sometimes the girl at
the door past the checkout counter wanted to check our receipt
and match the items with the things in the bag, checking them all
off the receipt with a big pink marker. But the girl was
stunningly beautiful, so we let her. And they weren't microbes,
they were an FBI vice squad. And the beautiful girl at the door
found that we had more items in our bag than those noted in the
receipt, so she sent us to the principal's office, a huge
shambling nightmare creature who smelled of rotten oranges and
was covered in some kind of sticky residue that acted as a
lubricant. And the line to the principal's office was always
very long. Again, because we secretly enjoyed it. But he wasn't
really an alien either, he was a severe (but fair) man from South
Dakota with a wife and two kids and a Volvo and perhaps a larger
sense of his own authority than was appropriate for the
situation. And he never really punished you, he just assigned
some extra homework and sent you back to the classroom with
teacher Joyce. And you felt bad at letting them down, so you
applied yourself to your studies extra hard and got an 'A' that
semester, which made you very happy as you walked home that
evening with your report card in hand, through the downtown
streets of Chicago.
And this wasn't the story I told the *real* police, because I
wasn't really there at all, but I felt left out so I said I was.
But none of us knew that at the time.
-dp.
Leo Sgouros
"David Pacheco" <david_...@lineone.net> wrote in message
news:MPG.134bba73c...@news.lineone.net...
:::
> Dale Houstman wrote:
>
> >She's like Odin; every morning her falcon flies out over the
world and
> >reports back to her all the details her biocyber brainpak
misses
as she
> >sleeps in her ice cream castle. Of course she always has
Rubber
Maggot
> >and Calcium Fluke to give her info, but one brings only
grandfatherly
> >salaciousness, and the other nonsense untouched by
intelligence.
Still,
> >she loves them because they keep away the "bright children"
whose
> >illuminations tend to keep her awake.
> >
> >One day soon the old Maggot will die, and the Fluke will spin
off
into
> >trivial madness, and all she will be left with is her falcon.
That's
> >where this bag of poisoned ratmeat comes into play. Then she
will
be
> >blind, and we can do with her what we like...
>
> This is a praiseworthy plan, Dale. However, since it's
spilled
over into
> my kitchen garden (alt.powell.and.pressburger), I have my own
> grandmotherly kindness to throw into the arsenoid stew.
>
> Rubber Maggot, by his very nature, has always been dead, and
Andrea
> Wo-chan has always had only the one eye. As we know, monocular
crones are
> especially dangerous because they partake in the nature of all
one-eyed
> monsters. Peh, eh?
>
> As for the falcon, I doubt it will be quite so easy to get the
carrion out
> of the bird. Or in, as the case may be.
>
> Despite these qualms, your discussion of the bright children
is
> especially interesting, and I wish you would say more on this
topic.
>
> >Utopia awaits!
>
> Neutopia is already here.
Neutopia is already here and is Utopia for they are only dream
states of forver waiting for the Gaia messiah to start the
lovalution into massagasm never happening which is why you have
avoided mention of neu neutopia the course of action through
psychotronic programming of xeno dimensionals which brings us to
the
true question which is the salvation of surrealism through the
development of imaginery friends from our multiple
personalities.
This (not journals) is of course the answer. Thousands of
people
publicly discussing surrealism with their imaginery friends and
imaginery friends approaching strangers and asking them if
they'd
like to liberate their desires, no society can withstand it
which is
why you stray from the subject though remember the falcon is
imaginery tool and swoops into your mind.
I believe Dale is already seriously effected and hears the
voices in
household appliances which drives him slowly mad because he has
no
imaginery friends to talk it over with which is why I strongly
recommend he buy a kid's meal at Burger King and attain a Tinky
Winky so he can liberate his imaginations and desires instead of
obsessing on people who are thousands of miles away.
He must find his liberation on the street corner discussing
surrealism with Tinky Winky. This is the way to escape Qlipoth.
I
guarantee it.
This is the way to create the global psychotronic broadcasting
system
Fe
Andrew J. Zimolzak
> Andrew J. Zimolzak wrote:
> >
> > * I had a Kibological dream the other night (my first, I guess),
> > although it wasn't *real* Kibological. It just involved a bunch of
> > people's names, as far as I remember. I think it involved the contrast
> > of Chris Franks vs. Ted Frank
>
> class was bad, because it included Tony Iannarone blowing off both of
> his hands when he was mixing up a noise maker.
> major.
Just today in Organic, we learned about a reducing agent called Raney
Nickel. And one thing that brings you joy when you reduce it with Raney
nickel is... a lobster!^w^hn alkyl cyanide!
I think my brane has some lost clusters. Usenet nicknames are starting
to invade my chemistry files.
C:\>CHKDSK
Volume BRANE created 11-21-1980 12:15p
...
Now, enough of my hacking up this thread with college chemistry one-
liners.
--
Andy Z.
"Version 5.0 of Satan's Asshole is a lot more user-friendly, and it works
as a plug-in."
--David Pacheco
aka...@nospam.unity.unity.edu
<zimo...@msu.edu> wrote:
> * The other day I was flipping teevee channels when an animated show
> caught my momentary interest. I believe it was that "Blossom, the
> Teenage Witch" show. I was just about to flip again when somebody was
> transmogrified into a GIANT FUKKEN LOBSTER!!1!
http://www.ctel.net/~unichase/akai/creature.jpeg
FNAWW FNAWW!!
--
___________________________________________________________________________
| //\ | "Just wait til someone cracks your machine by going thru your |
| (/__\
| fridge..." |
| /). \.
| "So? they find out that I keep a severed human head in the |
| / | fridge labeled "Catapult Ammo". Big deal." |
|Shiro |-On the subject of a fridge with internet access |
|Akaishi__|_________________________________________________________________|
James Kibo Parry
>
> My own college chemistry class was bad, because it included Tony Iannarone
> blowing off both of his hands when he was mixing up a noise maker.
> 6 months later, he was back in class with a pair of hooks, and a new major.
AND HANGING FROM THE CAR DOOR WAS... HIS DAUGHTER'S SWEATER!!!
No, wait, that's a different true story.
It's a shame he lost his hands instead of being paralyzed from the waist
down. This is because if movies have taught us anything, it's that (a)
all people with prosthetic hands are evil and (b) all people in wheelchairs
are evil and are mad scientists, therefore if he were in a wheelchair he
would automatically become a scientist while remaining evil.
So remember, if you're ever in an explosion where you wake up and the
doctor says to you, "You have a choice, would you rather have your
hands amputated or have your spinal cord snipped in the middle?" be
sure to ask for the spinal cord thingie so that you'll be a scientist.
The scientists with both prosthetic hands AND wheelchairs, and wacky German
accents, and a long table of cream pies behind them that everyone carefully
avoids throwing during the entire movie because Stanley Kubrick had
to take out the cream pie fight because President Kennedy was killed
and therefore cream pies wouldn't be funny, well, that's the best type
of mad scientist to be if you have to lose a hand or a spine or something.
Other important lessons about prejudice and paranoia that movies teach us:
1.) If you hate dusting crops, buy a crop-dusting plane, because
no crop-duster has ever been seen dusting crops in a movie.
2.) The 90% of people who go scuba-diving without a buddy are always
stabbed underwater by bad guys in a different color suit than theirs.
3.) Silencers make guns go "TWEET!". However, a better use for a gun
is to whack a guy on the head with it as hard as you can, which
puts him to sleep, and then he wakes up five minutes later, good as new.
4.) The further into the future you go, the slower computers will display
letters, which will get continually bigger, greener, and blockier.
5.) Gay guys and lesbians are even more evil than people in wheelchairs.
Unless they're cross-dressers, in which case they're incredibly funny.
6.) Midgets have magical powers. Or are evil. Usually both.
But fortunately, no midgets have ever been in wheelchairs.
7.) Any time a black guy is evil, you're guaranteed to have a good guy
friend who is also black.
8.) Space is bright blue, but only if you were launched from Japan.
Also if you go into space before 1968, the Earth forgets to have clouds.
9.) Falling objects move in zig-zag shaped parabolas if they're named Jet Li.
10.) Gold makeup will kill you if you mistakenly get any on your butt.
So, if you see lots of movies, you will become prejudiced against everyone,
and you will be afraid of everything. This is why I consider movies evil.
They're just not as realistic as television.
-- K.
And high-definition television
is TWICE as realistic as regular TV.
With high-definition television,
you won't even be able to tell
that "The Simpsons" is a cartoon!
Incurable misspeller
MPG.134bba73c061b53598972b@ne
ws.lineone.net>,
David Pacheco <
david_...@lineone.net>
wrote:
<snipe>
>And they didn't shoot and kill
> the teacher, the microbes just >gave her a nasty hacking cough
> that just wouldn't go away, even >though the mothership doctor
> (Mr. Kh'Tarr) told her to drink >plenty of acid and get some bed
> rest.
^
|--------NOT FUNNY!
"'I have a cold' <------ FUNNY!"
also the docktors name should be
' Cain O'Shwancy'
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Joseph Michael Bay
>Other important lessons about prejudice and paranoia that movies teach us:
>1.) If you hate dusting crops, buy a crop-dusting plane, because
> no crop-duster has ever been seen dusting crops in a movie.
_Short Cuts_
_Demented Death Fram Massacre II_ (although it was dusting with BLOOD!)
>2.) The 90% of people who go scuba-diving without a buddy are always
> stabbed underwater by bad guys in a different color suit than theirs.
And the 10% who go scuba-diving with a buddy are stabbed
by their buddy.
_Swimming with Sharks_
_The Buddy Principle_
>4.) The further into the future you go, the slower computers will display
> letters, which will get continually bigger, greener, and blockier.
And they click or beep when they come up on screen.
> And high-definition television
> is TWICE as realistic as regular TV.
> With high-definition television,
> you won't even be able to tell
> that "The Simpsons" is a cartoon!
I've heard that before, but I don't believe it.
I mean, "Itchy and Scratchy" is a cartoon.
--
Joseph M. Bay Boy Genius
Putting the "harm" in the "Molecular Pharmacology" since 1997
(Oo) Someone you trust is One of Us. (oO)
/{|\ What Would Cthulhu Do? /|}\
Roger Douglas (new Durian Recipe)
...
>Other important lessons about prejudice and paranoia that movies teach us:
>
>1.) If you hate dusting crops, buy a crop-dusting plane, because
> no crop-duster has ever been seen dusting crops in a movie.
>
What about the guy who chased Cary Grant through the corn field? Wasn't he
dusting crops at the start of the chase scene?
I watched that movie over and over, hoping each time that THIS would be the
time that Cary Grant would get killed.
Also I liked the way every time the plane flew over about 500 feet above the
ground, Cary Grant would drop flat on his face so it wouldn't hit him.
I laughed and laughed.
>2.) The 90% of people who go scuba-diving without a buddy are always
> stabbed underwater by bad guys in a different color suit than theirs.
>
The other 10% are rescued by a mysterious stranger who, when they get to the
surface and take their masks off, turns out to be an attractive CHYK.
>3.) Silencers make guns go "TWEET!". However, a better use for a gun
> is to whack a guy on the head with it as hard as you can, which
> puts him to sleep, and then he wakes up five minutes later, good as new.
>
Unless you notice him waking up and tap him lightly on the head again, which
makes him go back to sleep. Strangely enough <irony alert>, this only
happens in COMEDY movies.
>4.) The further into the future you go, the slower computers will display
> letters, which will get continually bigger, greener, and blockier.
>
Until eventually they give up displaying letters and instead speak in the
same monotonous voice that 20th century telephone payment systems used to
use.
In this respect Blakes 7 was ahead of its time, because it had computers
that spoke in normal voices. Or at least as normal as any voice-over actor's
voice ever is. But that was television, which is more realistic than movies
(see below).
>5.) Gay guys and lesbians are even more evil than people in wheelchairs.
> Unless they're cross-dressers, in which case they're incredibly funny.
>
Was there ever a movie character who was a gay or lesbian cross-dresser in a
wheelchair? If not I claim [dibs] on this idea. I think Bob Hope should
play this role in the next James Bond movie.
>6.) Midgets have magical powers. Or are evil. Usually both.
> But fortunately, no midgets have ever been in wheelchairs.
>
If only Bob Hope was shorter, he could play a midget gay cross-dresser in a
wheelchair in the next James Bond movie. With a white fluffy cat.
>7.) Any time a black guy is evil, you're guaranteed to have a good guy
> friend who is also black.
>
Unless the black guy wears an ankle-length overcoat and a furry felt hat
with a big floppy brim. This shows he is totally evil, but in an amusing
funky sort of way. Also at some point he will catch the hero in some
compromising position and will say "Well, well, well, what have we here?"
He will talk "Jive" and say things like "Git it on yo' butt, honky!" (See
below).
>8.) Space is bright blue, but only if you were launched from Japan.
> Also if you go into space before 1968, the Earth forgets to have clouds.
>
There weren't any clouds before 1968. I remember that clearly. Oh, except
of course on the four days a year when it rained really hard, because the
farmers needed it.
>9.) Falling objects move in zig-zag shaped parabolas if they're named Jet Li.
>
Also when a plane dives out of control, its engine revs faster and faster as
it dives.
>10.) Gold makeup will kill you if you mistakenly get any on your butt.
>
You mean, if someone evil (probably a gay midget cross-dresser in a
wheelchair with a fluffy white cat) deliberately gets it on your butt.
"Get it on your butt" sounds like jive. Except it would be "Get it on yo'
butt."
>So, if you see lots of movies, you will become prejudiced against everyone,
>and you will be afraid of everything. This is why I consider movies evil.
>They're just not as realistic as television.
>
I have taken to only watching old musicals with Fred Astaire and Ginger
Rogers. These have taught me that when two people who have only just met
are able to perform a perfectly choreographed dance routine together, it
proves that they are really in love and will eventually get married even
though they are currently engaged to two other people.
I am currently taking dancing lessons, in the hope of finding a really nice
partner after I kill my wife.
> -- K.
>
> And high-definition television
> is TWICE as realistic as regular TV.
> With high-definition television,
> you won't even be able to tell
> that "The Simpsons" is a cartoon!
The Simpsons is a cartoon?????
You'll be telling us next that the Muppets aren't real animals!!
--R.
Matt McIrvin
(James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>It's a shame he lost his hands instead of being paralyzed from the waist
>down. This is because if movies have taught us anything, it's that (a)
>all people with prosthetic hands are evil and (b) all people in wheelchairs
>are evil and are mad scientists,
unless they're black, in which case they are friendly computer geniuses.
("Computer genius" being a quaint early term for "3l3at hax0r.")
--
Matt McIrvin http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
Teg Pipes
>
> >1.) If you hate dusting crops, buy a crop-dusting plane, because
> > no crop-duster has ever been seen dusting crops in a movie.
>
No, the crop-dusters in _Short Cuts_ weren't dusting *crops*, they
were spraying malithione on *humans* in LA.
Wait. "Crops." Check.
-Teg
Kevin S. Wilson
wrote:
>ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
>>Other important lessons about prejudice and paranoia that movies teach us:
>
>>1.) If you hate dusting crops, buy a crop-dusting plane, because
>> no crop-duster has ever been seen dusting crops in a movie.
>
>_Short Cuts_
>_Demented Death Fram Massacre II_ (although it was dusting with BLOOD!)
_Charley Varrick: The Last of the Independents_
Karlo Takki
> 3.) Silencers make guns go "TWEET!". However, a better use for a gun
> is to whack a guy on the head with it as hard as you can, which
> puts him to sleep, and then he wakes up five minutes later, good as new.
Everytime I see a silencer used in a movie I think "That bozo could have
used an icepick or a .22 with low velocity rounds and saved himself the
$200 BATF Class III tax stamp".
Yes, silencers and suppressors are legal in the US if you have a Class
III Federal Firearms License and pay the BATF tax. They're trivially
easy to make (if you have the tools). But they don't work on revolvers
and using them on anything but a sub-sonic round defeats the purpose.
They affect accuracy and muzzle velocity to the point that you have a
better chance of killing with a water pistol filled with a cyanide
solution. Or an ice pick.
Nailguns are pretty cool.
> 4.) The further into the future you go, the slower computers will display
> letters, which will get continually bigger, greener, and blockier.
...and project an image on the user's face.
> 5.) Gay guys and lesbians are even more evil than people in wheelchairs.
> Unless they're cross-dressers, in which case they're incredibly funny.
Counter examples: DePalma's "Dressed to Kill", Dr. Frank 'n' Furter.
> 7.) Any time a black guy is evil, you're guaranteed to have a good guy
> friend who is also black.
"Don't hurt him, Dolemite!"
And/or an EEEEVIL white authority figure (cop, judge, CEO) for balance.
I liked the white cops with bad sideburns in "Sweet Sweetback's Badass
Song".
k.
--
"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are
really good at heart." - Anne Frank
Joseph Michael Bay
>Everytime I see a silencer used in a movie I think "That bozo could have
>used an icepick
OR A FUGGIN MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS AXE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Ramon!!!!!1
>or a .22 with low velocity rounds and saved himself the
>$200 BATF Class III tax stamp".
>Yes, silencers and suppressors are legal in the US if you have a Class
>III Federal Firearms License and pay the BATF tax. They're trivially
>easy to make (if you have the tools).
Yeah because if you're going to sneak around and kill someone
with a silencer you will probably get a Class III Federal Firearms
License and pay the BATF tax. How do you like your Glock-9mm. My
dad is a gunsmith with all the tools we need to make an Uzi.
>But they don't work on revolvers
>and using them on anything but a sub-sonic round defeats the purpose.
>They affect accuracy and muzzle velocity to the point that you have a
>better chance of killing with a water pistol filled with a cyanide
>solution. Or an ice pick.
>Nailguns are pretty cool.
Well, yeah.