Woman bites on mouse in Mars bar

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James Kibo Parry

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Oct 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/19/98
to
> LONDON, Oct 19 (AFP) - A woman tucking into a chocolate bar
> found she had bitten off more than she could chew -- the head and
> part of the body of a mouse.

Eww! Not just a head, but A BODY PART TOO!!!

> Marie Henriques found the "dark, furry object" surrounded by
> caramel and nuts in a bar she had bought from a central London
> kiosk, a court was told Monday.

Well, of course the mouse was surrounded by nuts if it was in central London.

> This was later identified by the Natural History Museum as being
> part of a rodent.

The first time I read this it said "...part of a robot" which, to me,
would be a much more interesting news item.

Then I remembered that the rodent family includes the saxophone, according
to that woman on "The Newlywed Game" who said the saxophone was her husband's
favorite robot. So I think that Bill Clinton sneakily snuck his sax into
the lady's snack. ("That'd be in the bar, Bob.")

> The chocolate bar manufacturer Mars UK was charged with selling
> contaminated food in a prosecution brought by Westminster Council.
> Timothy Spencer, appearing for the London borough, said: "She
> partially unwrapped the chocolate bar but she noticed nothing
> unusual.
> "She ate about three-quarters of it, and when she put the last
> piece into her mouth she bit on something hard. Miss Henriques saw a
> black furry object surrounded by caramel and nuts. She thought it
> was a peach stone.

Yes, black furry peach pits are often found in Mars bars.

> "She showed it to a colleague who reported seeing thick black
> fur and red stuff."
> The court was told that a warehouse company which supplied
> hazelnuts to a Mars factory in Slough, west of London, had been
> infested by mice earlier this year.
> Spencer said Mars had been negligent by not ensuring the
> one-tonne batches of hazelnuts was not visually checked.

In the future, they will take steps to insure that every batch is not
visually inspected.

-- K.

(How else COULD you inspect something? Braille?)

P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

Nick S Bensema

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Oct 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/19/98
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In article <kibo-19109...@kibo.std.com>,

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>> LONDON, Oct 19 (AFP) - A woman tucking into a chocolate bar
>> found she had bitten off more than she could chew -- the head and
>> part of the body of a mouse.
>
>Eww! Not just a head, but A BODY PART TOO!!!

Here's another example of messages that don't live up to their
subject lines. I was expecting it to be on some sort of perversion
going on near the Mars Disneyland.

>P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
>"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
>below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

It's a pre-emptive strike against bad stand-up comedians who do bits on
why things are there just because THEY didn't bother to check into it.

But it often backfires into a bit on why there are instruction/warning
labels on so many things.

So banks have no way of providing Braille instructions to drunk drivers
without causing some form of bad stand-up comedy.

--
Nick Bensema <ni...@primenet.com> 98-KUPD Red Card #710563 UIN: 2135445
~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

duh

Joseph Michael Bay

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Oct 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/19/98
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ni...@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) writes:

>>P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
>>"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
>>below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

>It's a pre-emptive strike against bad stand-up comedians who do bits on
>why things are there just because THEY didn't bother to check into it.

Alright, then, mister Smarty Pants, could you perhaps explain what
the deal is with airline food? Also, perhaps you could share with
us the identities of the AD WIZARDS who came up with THIS ONE.

I like how clarinet message-ids tell you what the message is about.

--J.
And grape nuts!
No grapes, no nuts!
--
Joseph Bay Department of Comparative Forensics
Maw! Paw done shot up the Lee-layand dawt Stayandferd dawt ee dee yew agayan!
"We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us --BLEARGH-- excuse me, some of
us are looking at the stars." --Oscar Wilde

the Ur-Beatle

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Oct 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/19/98
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in amazement, I beheld ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
write in alt.religion.kibology:

"P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
""THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
"below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

you silly.

if they didn't inform their sighted customers that the braille
instructions were for the visually impaired, people would think
they'd gone blind!

also, the government pays for braille transcriptions for the blind,
so if people who can SEE start using the instructions, the banks
would have to start charging them!

--
IMPERSONALIZE YOUR VERY OWN E-MAIL!
His Most Feathered Eminence, the Ur-Beatle
well-known inventor of loungenoize

Brian JARAI Chase

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
to
In article <kibo-19109...@kibo.std.com>,
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

>P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
>"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
>below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

In Terre Haute, Ind. they had the Braille instructions on drive up ATM
machines at the Terre Haute 1st bank branches.

-jarai.
--
---
Brian "JARAI" Chase | http://world.std.com/~bdc/ | VAXZilla LIVES!!!

Michael J. Sacks

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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On 20 Oct 1998, Richard S. Holmes wrote:

> >In article <kibo-19109...@kibo.std.com>,
> >James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
> >
> >>P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
> >>"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
> >>below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted
to put a check mark about three inches away." --Tom Lehrer

> Often the only ATM at a bank is in a drive-up lane. Blind customers
> who walk to the bank outside business hours, or are driven there by a
> friend or a taxi driver, would need to use the "drive-up" ATM.

"By the glare of false science betray'd,
That leads to bewilder, and dazzles to blind."
--James Beattie

> As for Kibo's original question, why they put a label there telling
> you that the braille instructions for blind customers are braille
> instructions for blind customers, I dunno. Nor do I know why they
> don't have a voice chip telling their blind customers what's written
> on the screen, without which using an ATM for an error-free
> transaction must still be a challenging proposition.

"If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch."
--Matthew xv. 14.

> Yes, I know, this is a.r.k and I'm being serious.

"Religion without science is blind."
--Albert Einstein

Mike Sacks


Stefan Kapusniak

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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In alt.religion.kibology, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

>P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
>"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
>below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

I believe this is a fruitless attempt by the manufacturers
of automatic teller machines, to cut down the number of calls
from automatic teller machine installers to their technical
support hotlines, complaining that the new machine they're
installing has got little BOBBLES all over it, and I DON'T
CARE WHAT THEY'RE FOR, THE BANKS I INSTALL FOR AREN'T GOING
TO PUT UP WITH NO BOBBLES ON THEIR MACHINES...I KNOW MY
CUSTOMERS...ARE YOU TO LISTENING ME BOY????

Now they just ring up technical support and ask why somebody
WAS SO GODAMNED STUPID AS TO WRITE THAT THING ABOUT BRAILLE
INSTRUCTIONS, WHEN THE BLIND WON'T BE ABLE TO READ IT BECAUSE
ITS NOT IN BRAILLE???

Also if they don't put that on then sighted people who
try to join up the dots into letters to get the instructions
for sighted people, and then get completely confused reading
them, transfering their entire fortunes to the McDonald's
corporation instead of the Microsoft or Disney corporations
like their supposed to, will sue the bank for every cent
the bank has invested in hedge funds AND THEY WOULD _WIN_
CAUSING GLOBAL ECONOMIC COLLAPSE, which would be A BAD
THING.

Almost as bad as a world where you could buy needle and
thread to sew the buttons that fell off your clothes, instead
of buying BRAND NEW clothes. That would mean thousands
of children in third world countries would suddenly be
WITHOUT A JOB.

It is fortunate we don't live in such a world.


-- Kapusniak, Stefan m

Michael Straight

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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On Mon, 19 Oct 1998, James Kibo Parry wrote:

> P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
> "THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
> below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

These are required in many states by so-called "English Only" laws which
require any public or commercial text written in a language other than
English to include an English translation, even if that would be redundant
with the English text that's already there. So you get packaging that
looks like this:

WARNING! USE OF THIS PRODUCT HAS BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH
MUPPET CROTCH IN LABORATORY SOCK PUPPETS.

ADVISO! EL USO DE ESTE PRODUCTO SE HA ASOCIADO A LA ENTREPIERNA
DEL MUPPET EN MARIONETAS DEL CALCETIN DEL LABORATORIO.
(It alerts! The use of this product has been associated to the crotch of
muppet in marionettes of the sock of the laboratory.)

Presumably this is to prevent minorities from plotting against us by
hiding secret messages on containers of fabric softener.

Michael Straight is waiting for someone to try to apply the law to Perl.
FLEOEVDETYHOEUPROEONREWMEILECSOFMOERSGTIRVAENRGEEARDSTVHIESBIITBTLHEEPSRIACYK
Ethical Mirth Gas/"I'm chaste alright."/Magic Hitler Hats/"Hath grace limits?"
"Tight camel hairs!"/Chili Hamster Tag/The Gilt Charisma/"I gather this calm."


Chris Franks

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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Richard S. Holmes wrote:
>
> Yes, I know, this is a.r.k and I'm being serious.

Everything on a.r.k is serious.....isn't it?

Chris Franks

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
to
Michael Straight wrote:
>
> On Mon, 19 Oct 1998, James Kibo Parry wrote:
>
> > P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
> > "THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
> below the Braille on automatic teller machines.
>
> These are required in many states by so-called "English Only" laws > which
> require any public or commercial text written in a language other than
> English to include an English translation, even if that would be > redundant
> with the English text that's already there.

This is certainly the law in California where the majority of the
people living here do not have English as their native language.
(And 50% of those were born here)

Michael J. Sacks

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
to
On Tue, 20 Oct 1998, Chris Franks wrote:

> > Yes, I know, this is a.r.k and I'm being serious.
>
> Everything on a.r.k is serious.....isn't it?

"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
--Sacha Guitry

Mike Sacks


The Avocado Avenger

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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rsho...@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) writes:

>In article <F13nE...@world.std.com> b...@world.std.com (Brian "JARAI" Chase) writes:

>>In article <kibo-19109...@kibo.std.com>,


>>James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>>
>>>P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
>>>"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
>>>below the Braille on automatic teller machines.
>>

>>In Terre Haute, Ind. they had the Braille instructions on drive up ATM
>>machines at the Terre Haute 1st bank branches.

>Often the only ATM at a bank is in a drive-up lane. Blind customers


>who walk to the bank outside business hours, or are driven there by a
>friend or a taxi driver, would need to use the "drive-up" ATM.

>As for Kibo's original question, why they put a label there telling


>you that the braille instructions for blind customers are braille
>instructions for blind customers, I dunno.

Maybe it's so their friend/companion/taxi driver can FREAKIN' TELL THEM
THAT IT'S THERE FOR FUTURE FREAKIN' REFERENCE! I know it's wacky but
sometimes the seeing help the blind! Odd I know! But true!
And the `no dogs except seeing eye dogs' poster in the post office is so
people don't freak out when they see a seeing eye dog and demand that
blind people leave the post office or kill their pets!

>Nor do I know why they
>don't have a voice chip telling their blind customers what's written
>on the screen, without which using an ATM for an error-free
>transaction must still be a challenging proposition.

There is braille on the keypad and the side of the screen. But to guess
which button you push for "withdrawal" and which for "I just want my
picture on the video screen" must be tough.

>Yes, I know, this is a.r.k and I'm being serious.

Yes ditto me too also.


Stacia * The Avocado Avenger * Life is a tale told by an idiot;
http://www.io.com/~stacia/ * Full of sound and fury,
Remove the guacamole to reply! * Signifying nothing.

Chris Franks

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
to
The Avocado Avenger wrote:
>
> Stacia * The Avocado Avenger * Life is a tale told by an idiot;
> http://www.io.com/~stacia/ * Full of sound and fury,
> Remove the guacamole to reply! * Signifying nothing.

Back when "Paladin" was the newest hot show, we all tried to imitate
Richard Boone's great intonation of your sig. Still the best part of
that series.

The Avocado Avenger

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
to
Chris Franks <cfr...@nospam.sc.hp.com> writes:

You know what I hate? I hate that I tried my darndest to come up with a
non-committal, ignorable .sig. No ascii cow heads like before, no wild
and wacky quotes, nothing about slapping meat or licking sausage... and
people now taunt me incessantly about my .sig.
I'm hurt.


Chris Franks

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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I'm sorry, I really think it is great....I've learned to pause and with
a scowling stare practically spit out the words: signifying.......
Nothing! It impresses the local folke; I guess they are easily
impressed, and nobody ever heard of Richard Boone.
And I always pronounce Stacia like the tree: acacia. I once knew a
girl named Marcia who said it was pronounced Mar See ya so I told her
she was sadly misinformed and she said, "See ya".

--
If your God hates homosexuality so much,
why does He continue to make it happen?

Joseph Michael Bay

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
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rsho...@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) writes:

>As for Kibo's original question, why they put a label there telling
>you that the braille instructions for blind customers are braille

>instructions for blind customers, I dunno. Nor do I know why they


>don't have a voice chip telling their blind customers what's written
>on the screen, without which using an ATM for an error-free
>transaction must still be a challenging proposition.

. . . Muahahahah!

Also, part of the Braille instructions say "there's some stuff on
the screen for our customers who can see".

There's no need for a voice chip, because blind people generally
get screwed by the ATM anyway. If you touch the Braille letters,
it senses that and registers "blind customer". Then, you try to
get eighty bucks, but instead of four twenties, you get four ones.
You can't tell, being blind, so the bank rips you off for seventy-
six dollars and you can't prove it. So an error-free transaction
is no concern, really.


--
Joseph Bay Mmmm . . . antigenic.


"We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us --BLEARGH-- excuse me,
some of us are looking at the stars." --Oscar Wilde

"'Bring back the Vicky Robinson .sig virus!' - Cindy Kandolf" --Ian York

Rose Marie Holt

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Oct 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/20/98
to

> In article <kibo-19109...@kibo.std.com>,
> James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

> >P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
> >"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
> >below the Braille on automatic teller machines.
>

They are in ALL CAPS because that makes them LOUDER and EASIER TO HEAR
(like Usenet)

Those of you in Seattle (Louis Nick), could you please confirm that there
are still Braille(tm) signs at each exhibit at the Aquarium? I can only
think of one exhibit at which this would be useful, the Electric Eel (as
in "you have just been electrocuted by an Electric Eel. Please keep your
hands out of the tank")

I cant imagine what the other signs say, perhaps: "if you listen very
closely, you will hear a Tropical Gillbiter doing laps around his tank.
He is Blue, Green and Iridescent Yellow. Please activate your Hand Held
Transducer for an electronic reproduction of what these colors would feel
like if they were Physical Sensations". Somehow, I doubt it.

James Kibo Parry

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
"the Ur-Beatle" (taly...@softhome.net) wrote:

>
> James "Kibo" Parry (ki...@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
> > "THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
> > below the Braille on automatic teller machines.
>
> you silly.
>
> if they didn't inform their sighted customers that the braille
> instructions were for the visually impaired, people would think
> they'd gone blind!

So you're saying this is part of a conspiracy to hide the fact that
automatic teller machines MAKE YOU GO BLIND?

> also, the government pays for braille transcriptions for the blind,
> so if people who can SEE start using the instructions, the banks
> would have to start charging them!

Oh, like Fleet *doesn't* do that already.

-- K.

Fleet. Banking And Enemas.

James Kibo Parry

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
Michael J. Sacks (msa...@students.uiuc.edu) wrote:
>

Hey, I liked your book about the man who mistook his wife for a Mars bar.
He didn't know that men are Mars bars, women are Venus flytraps. Ow!

> Chris Franks (cfr...@sc.hp.com) wrote:
> >

Hey, I liked all that music you wrote for "Babylon 5" that went
"vooooooo dananananananana voo voo eeeeeeEEEEEEeeee woo wooo zing bwamp bwamp".
I really like "Babylon 5" because it has Lyta, played by Chase Masterson.

> > Richard S. Holmes (rsho...@rodan.syr.edu) wrote:
> > >

Hey, I like your UNIX remote-shell utility.

> > > Yes, I know, this is a.r.k and I'm being serious.
> >

> > Everything on a.r.k is serious.....isn't it?
>
> "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
> --Sacha Guitry
>
> Mike Sacks

I think you got the attributions in the wrong order. "--Sacha Guitry"
should have been at the opposite end of the post from the quotation.
Also, Dan Rather would have typed "--Sacha Guilty".

-- K.

Or was it Peter Jennings?
I don't care, as long as he
keeps ghostwriting for Daniel
Pinkeye on the planet Saturn,
which is not a candy bar, but
that won't stop you from biting.

Michael J. Sacks

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
On Wed, 21 Oct 1998, James Kibo Parry wrote:

> Michael J. Sacks (msa...@students.uiuc.edu) wrote:
>
> Hey, I liked your book about the man who mistook his wife for a Mars bar.
> He didn't know that men are Mars bars, women are Venus flytraps. Ow!

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first." --Ernestine Ulmer

"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition. " --Jack Handey

> > "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
> > --Sacha Guitry
> >
> > Mike Sacks
>
> I think you got the attributions in the wrong order. "--Sacha Guitry"
> should have been at the opposite end of the post from the quotation.
> Also, Dan Rather would have typed "--Sacha Guilty".

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made." --Dan Quayle

> -- K.
>
> Or was it Peter Jennings?
> I don't care, as long as he
> keeps ghostwriting for Daniel
> Pinkeye on the planet Saturn,
> which is not a candy bar, but
> that won't stop you from biting.

"I can write a better news story than Dan Rather any day!" --Kibo

Mike Sacks


Michael J. Sacks

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
On 21 Oct 1998, david lynch wrote:

> Michael J. Sacks (msa...@students.uiuc.edu) wrote:

> : "On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted


> : to put a check mark about three inches away." --Tom Lehrer

> :
> : "By the glare of false science betray'd,

> : That leads to bewilder, and dazzles to blind."
> : --James Beattie

> :
> : "If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch."
> : --Matthew xv. 14.
> :
> : "Religion without science is blind."
> : --Albert Einstein
>
> OK MR. SMARTY PANTS YOU ARE MORE WELL-READ THAN ME AND WILL HAVE A
> MILLION BILLION REALLY COOL EPIGRAPHS TO PUT IN YOUR BOOK WHEN IT
> GETS PUBLISHED AND SELLS A MILLION BILLION COPIES AND YOU'RE PROBABLY
> GREAT AT PARTIES TOO OK! SO?

"That is so not...that is so not...oh shut up!" --Chandler Bing

Mike Sacks


Stefan Kapusniak

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
In alt.religion.kibology, Chris Franks <cfr...@nospam.sc.hp.com> wrote:

> Everything on a.r.k is serious.....isn't it?

Everything on a.r.k[1] should be taken seriously, just not
literally.

Neither should it be taken internally before sleeping, or
you too will end up dreaming of multiple clone sisters at
American soccer games played with hockey sticks and outsize
bulldozers. However, we completely deny all responsiblity
for any embarrassing nudity you may experience whilst
dreaming, this is a side-effect of the mind-control being
exercised over you by Andrea Chen and as such is completely
normal and nothing to worry about.

Any wit or originality you may detect whilst reading the group,
is merely an unfortunate by-product of your own mental processes,
and you are advised take the warnings by al...@hotmail.com in
hir recent post "Are you vulnerable to Psychotic Attack?"
very seriously indeed.


-- Kapusniak, Stefan m

[1] ^H^H^H^H^HUsenet [2]
[2] ^H^H^H^H^H^HAny communication channel [3]
[3] ^H^H^H^H^H^H^HZucchini

Theresa Willis

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

>Michael J. Sacks (msa...@students.uiuc.edu) wrote:
>>
>

>Hey, I liked your book about the man who mistook his wife for a Mars bar.
>He didn't know that men are Mars bars, women are Venus flytraps. Ow!
>

Hmmm. Is that why Best Beloved is always saying, "Yo! I got your
Mars Bar RIGHT HERE!"


--Terri

Brian JARAI Chase

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
In article <70jkrq$fmd$1...@hermes.louisville.edu>,
david lynch <dfly...@homer.louisville.edu> wrote:
>Brian "JARAI" Chase (b...@world.std.com) wrote:
>: In article <kibo-19109...@kibo.std.com>,

>: James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

>: >P.S. I still want to learn the exact logic behind printing
>: >"THESE ARE BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED"
>: >below the Braille on automatic teller machines.

>: In Terre Haute, Ind. they had the Braille instructions on drive up ATM


>: machines at the Terre Haute 1st bank branches.

>You know, you are, technically, allowed to WALK up to the drive-up ATM
>machines. I have often done this. Do bad stand-up comedians not realize
>they have feet?

Yeah but if you'RE blind and WALK up to the DRIVE up ATM then maybe the
other blind customers who DRIVE up to the special Braille enhanced ATM
will RUN over you.

Joseph Michael Bay

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
twi...@sound.net (Theresa Willis) writes:

>Hmmm. Is that why Best Beloved is always saying, "Yo! I got your
>Mars Bar RIGHT HERE!"

You live with Teg?

--
Joseph Bay Mmmm . . . antigenic.

"Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed". "Dog's don't know it's not Bacon".
<bg src="www.tacobell.com/main/animal57.wav" loop=99>

David Naugler

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Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
James "Kibo" Parry wrote in message ...
[CLIP]

>So you're saying this is part of a conspiracy to hide the fact that
>automatic teller machines MAKE YOU GO BLIND?


Hi James,

I'm trolling. Hope you don't mind.

Have a look at your headers:

Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
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From: ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Woman brailles on mouse in Mars bank
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9037 centons, 01 microns, 8.5 abians
My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
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Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 03:43:48 GMT
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I'd like to know why you no longer mention Archimedes Plutonium? Is it
personal, anti-nuclear or something to do with search engine bombing?

I have a need to know.

A potential imitator.


Teg Pipes

unread,
Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
IHNJH.

jm...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Joseph Michael Bay) writes:
> twi...@sound.net (Theresa Willis) writes:
>
> >Hmmm. Is that why Best Beloved is always saying, "Yo! I got your
> >Mars Bar RIGHT HERE!"
>
> You live with Teg?

If she lived with me, she'd hear it spoken correctly. Which is to say.
"Oh, yeah, baby. I gotcher Mars bar. I gotcher Mars bar RIGHT HERE!"

You fucks.


-Teg

Alex Suter

unread,
Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
Thus spake Teg Pipes <t...@fruitfly.berkeley.edu>:

>If she lived with me, she'd hear it spoken correctly. Which is to say.
>"Oh, yeah, baby. I gotcher Mars bar. I gotcher Mars bar RIGHT HERE!"

"Fox became a hardcore pornography station so slowly, I didn't
even notice!"

Unlike HBO, which I did notice. On Saturday night. In Boulder.

Sigh.

>You fucks.

Is that another imperitive? Like Lisa's "SHACK MY ASS!"

I'M GONNA WISH YOU INTO A FUKKEN CORNFIELD!

Love,
Alex

--
Lupus Yonderboy
http://world.std.com/~asuter/
"Death by cheese most malevolent."

Aaron A.

unread,
Oct 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/21/98
to
Long long ago in a galaxy right down the street, Kibo
<ki...@world.std.com> did decree with great jubilance:

>I'd still like to know the exact logic behind printing "THESE ARE
BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED" blah
blah blah...

I asked that same question at the bank where I work, and they agree with
the tech-support, stupid knobbies theory. My question is, if our ATM
'structions, in normal print, are on a 8.5 x 11" page, how do they fit
everything in *larger* braille letters into that little patch of text?
And what does it say?

We have about a half-dozen visually-impaired clients at our branch, and
all of them are immensely fearful of our ATM's... maybe the Braille says
"this machine will self-destruct if you enter the wrong secret number."

And another thing... the May 1998 issue of American Locksmith has an
article telling how to completely dissect a Diebold (tm) ATM... these
damn locksmiths!!!! Is there no end to their evil ways???

I will get a chihuahua for my spokesdog. He will shout to the masses:

JOIN THE ATM REVOLUTION!!! DEATH TO THE OPPRESSORS!!! NO LONGER SHALL WE
PAY $25 TO GET INTO OUR OWN CARS SIMPLY (or would it be seemply?)
BECAUSE WE LOCKED THE KEYS INSIDE!!! OVERTHROW THE LOCKSMITHS!!! AND
EAT LOTS OF GORDITAS!!!!

(apologies to Cory, whose entire family is locksmiths... hehehehe)


Aaron I. "and anybody who says PIN number will get bitch-slapped"
Allensworth

http://www.lollie.com/posters/dal1.gif


Matt McIrvin

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
In article <70j3m6$pt3$1...@hiram.io.com>, sta...@io.guacamole.com (The
Avocado Avenger) wrote:

> There is braille on the keypad and the side of the screen. But to guess
>which button you push for "withdrawal" and which for "I just want my
>picture on the video screen" must be tough.

It's often tough for the sighted too, when we are treated to screens
such as

_________________________ ----
| | | |1
| | ----
| REALLY ERASE YES---> |
| YOUR ATM CARD? | ----
| | | |2
| | ----
| NO---> |
| | ----
| | | |3
| | ----
| |
| | ----
| | | |4
|_________________________| ----

--
Matt McIrvin http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
Matt McIrvin (mmci...@world.std.com) wrote:

>
> The Avocado Avenger (sta...@io.guacamole.com) wrote:
> >
> > There is braille on the keypad and the side of the screen. But to guess
> > which button you push for "withdrawal" and which for "I just want my
> > picture on the video screen" must be tough.
>
> It's often tough for the sighted too,

Wasn't that Irwin Allen Landesburg's sequel to the Henry Winkler's production
of the story of the suicide of Marshall Will Holly and his cult followers,
"The Sighted Too"?

> when we are treated to screens such as
>
> _________________________ ----
> | | | |1
> | | ----
> | REALLY ERASE YES---> |
> | YOUR ATM CARD? | ----
> | | | |2
> | | ----
> | NO---> |
> | | ----
> | | | |3
> | | ----
> | |
> | | ----
> | | | |4
> |_________________________| ----

Matt, that's because you are of freakishly average stature. If you were
really short, or really tall, this would look really right, or really wrong.
But you're just weirdly normal.

I would have designed it like this:

+-------------------------------------+ +-------+ +-----------+
| | | 3 --> | | <-- NOT 3 |
| REALLY ERASE YOUR ATM CARD? | +-------+ +-----------+
| |
| <-- 1 +------+ | <-- 2 <-- 9
| 3+1 --> | | |
| +------+ | +---------------->
| | 5 --> |
| EVERYTHING WITH AN EVEN NUMBER | | YOU ARE HERE
| IS A LIE | |
+-------------------------------------+ v

Not shown: Little Billy's dotted line dashing through the mall in the
direction opposite to the Tofutti stand.

-- K.

Everything with an even
number is ALWAYS a lie.

leah verre

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
On Wed, 21 Oct 1998 19:09:52 -0700, "David Naugler" <dnau...@sfu.ca>
wrote:

I'd like to know why he doesn't use the name "Jamie" more often.
"Jamie" Parry sounds just SO KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOTE.

My nickname is Mucus.

-L


Joseph Michael Bay

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
asu...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Alex Suter) writes:

>Is that another imperitive? Like Lisa's "SHACK MY ASS!"

I'd shack her ass for a dollar.


Joe

I'd wish you into a fukken cornfield for a dollar, assuming
someone else would pay your share of the rent.

--
Joseph Bay Mmmm . . . antigenic.
"Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed". "Dog's don't know it's not Bacon".

Hi! I'm a replicative .signature transposon! Copy me into your .signature!

Etienne Rouette

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
In article <70npis$o43$1...@news1.Radix.Net>, rev...@radix.net says...
>
> Sometimes even button alignment doesn't help:
>
> +--------------------------------------------------+
> | If you are not a non-subscriber to this branch, |
> | you may not be charged an additional $1.00 for |
> | this transaction - applies to subscribers only |
> | |
> | | _
> | YES, do not charge my card $1.00 ==> | |_|
> | | _
> | NO, charge my card $1.00 ==> | |_|
> | | _
> | YES, don't not charge my card $1.00 ==> | |_|
> | | _
> | NON, ne pas chargez moi en Francais ==> | |_|
> | |
> +--------------------------------------------------+
>

Just a slight error: "Non, ne me chargez pas $34 CAN"

Etienne Rouette

Chris Franks

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
The Avocado Avenger wrote:
> I'm hurt.

Didn't they build Manhattan, Kansas, near some kind of college? I
remember stopping at a Burger King off I-70 there in November 1987, just
after re-visiting a row of sunflowers that had bloomed so beautifully in
August when we took the brand-new Accord out to Colorado for a test
drive, and I video-taped 3-year-old Jonathan standing near the gorgeous
6-foot tall multiple blooms, looking up at their glorius colors, only to
find them all dried up and standing in 4 inches of gray snow, and I
tried to remember them in a poem that I wrote in that Burger King, just
after stopping in Bucyrus to leave a Dylan Thomas message to my
step-father-in-law who was dying of cancer there, to rage against the
dying of the light.
But sometimes I confuse Manhattan with Hutchinson, where my nephew Keith
Kozura was the quarterback for the college team but couldn't make it in
the pros and is now a <gasp> lawyer.

Ranjit Bhatnagar

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
Rose Marie Holt <rmh...@micron.net> wrote:

: closely, you will hear a Tropical Gillbiter doing laps around his tank.

: He is Blue, Green and Iridescent Yellow. Please activate your Hand Held
: Transducer for an electronic reproduction of what these colors would feel
: like if they were Physical Sensations". Somehow, I doubt it.

I don't like the sound of that, no ma'am. You implyin' that
colors aren't Physical Sensations? 'Round these parts that
makes you either a Dualist or an Idealist, and 'round these
parts we don't rightly hold with Dualism or Idealism. So you
just better take your direct mental impressions and mosey on
out of here real quick before someone gets hurt.

r.

www.pixeltime.com www.pixeltime.com www.pixeltime.com
CAN DEEP, DEEP FEELINGS BE EXPRESSED THROUGH PIXELS?
WHO DOUBTS IT? CERTAINLY NOT I! www.pixeltime.com
www.pixeltime.com www.pixeltime.com www.pixeltime.com

Nick S Bensema

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
In article <9151-362...@newsd-101.iap.bryant.webtv.net>,

Aaron A. <Docto...@webtv.net> wrote:
>Long long ago in a galaxy right down the street, Kibo
><ki...@world.std.com> did decree with great jubilance:
>
>>I'd still like to know the exact logic behind printing "THESE ARE
>BRAILLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS WHO ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED" blah
>blah blah...
>
>I asked that same question at the bank where I work, and they agree with
>the tech-support, stupid knobbies theory. My question is, if our ATM
>'structions, in normal print, are on a 8.5 x 11" page, how do they fit
>everything in *larger* braille letters into that little patch of text?
>And what does it say?

Grade 2 Braille uses contractions for common letter combinations
and words. There are 63 possible dot combinations in braille and
only 26 are used by the alphabet, leaving a wide range of compression
possibilities. For example, the words "the", "and", and "with"
are represented by a backwards Z, a backwards Y, and an upside-down
Q, respectively. The letters A, B, C, and D become "ch", "gh",
"sh", and "th" when dot six is set. The letter "P" by itself can
represent the word "people", and there are still other neat rules,
like the re-use of numbers and characters that can only be used in
the middle of a word. This is very important considering that not
only must braille be a certain size to be legible, but also that
pages with braille text are, by nature, thicker.

>We have about a half-dozen visually-impaired clients at our branch, and
>all of them are immensely fearful of our ATM's... maybe the Braille says
>"this machine will self-destruct if you enter the wrong secret number."

Since I can see well enough to use an ATM the same way most people
do, I don't see the logic behind this. A teller, though more
personally responsible for his job, is more capable than a machine
to screw over a blind customer. Especially since I've never seen
an ATM in Phoenix that gave out anything besides $20 bills.

>And another thing... the May 1998 issue of American Locksmith has an
>article telling how to completely dissect a Diebold (tm) ATM... these
>damn locksmiths!!!! Is there no end to their evil ways???

>I will get a chihuahua for my spokesdog. He will shout to the masses:
>
>JOIN THE ATM REVOLUTION!!! DEATH TO THE OPPRESSORS!!! NO LONGER SHALL WE
>PAY $25 TO GET INTO OUR OWN CARS SIMPLY (or would it be seemply?)
>BECAUSE WE LOCKED THE KEYS INSIDE!!! OVERTHROW THE LOCKSMITHS!!! AND
>EAT LOTS OF GORDITAS!!!!

If you break down in a bad enough neighborhood, you can get one of the
neighborhood kids to do it for $10, AND no waiting! You might even
get to keep your car.

--
Nick Bensema <ni...@primenet.com> 98-KUPD Red Card #710563 UIN: 2135445
~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

duh

Joseph Michael Bay

unread,
Oct 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/22/98
to
Ranjit Bhatnagar <ranjit@(no spam please)moonmilk.com> writes:

>I don't like the sound of that, no ma'am. You implyin' that
>colors aren't Physical Sensations? 'Round these parts that
>makes you either a Dualist or an Idealist, and 'round these
>parts we don't rightly hold with Dualism or Idealism. So you
>just better take your direct mental impressions and mosey on
>out of here real quick before someone gets hurt.


'Round these parts, pardner, we got us a mo-no-vay-lent logical
system. Either sumtin' is, or it is. You got that strayit?

The Avocado Avenger

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
Chris Franks <cfr...@nospam.sc.hp.com> writes:

>The Avocado Avenger wrote:
>> I'm hurt.

>Didn't they build Manhattan, Kansas, near some kind of college? I
>remember stopping at a Burger King off I-70 there in November 1987,

Lord a'mighty. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it closed down.
I know that a chapter of your life is now gone forever. But at least
it's a Schlotzky's. (No shirtsky's, no shoesky's...)

>after re-visiting a row of sunflowers that had bloomed so beautifully in
>August when we took the brand-new Accord out to Colorado for a test

True and amazing fact: Eastern Colorado is really the sunflower
megaverse. Kansas has few of them, probably because we chopped them all
down and snorted them in the Great Sunflower Snortin' Spree of 1942.

>after stopping in Bucyrus to leave a Dylan Thomas message to my
>step-father-in-law who was dying of cancer there, to rage against the
>dying of the light.

Also true, and this is cool, so listen up, kids: the other day I was
looking at these boxes that contained samples of some heart drug,
something for apparently very sick people, and the boxes had this picture
of an old guy on it with the lines, "Do not go gentle into that good night
... Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Ok, call me wacky, but it seems tacky to put "yer gonna die but try not
to" on a box of prescription medication.

>But sometimes I confuse Manhattan with Hutchinson, where my nephew Keith
>Kozura was the quarterback for the college team but couldn't make it in
>the pros and is now a <gasp> lawyer.

Last time I went to Hutchinson it was for the state fair and so all I
remember of Hutchinson is a lot of blurred images for the Tilt-A-Whirl.

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
Rain King (rev...@radix.net) wrote:
>
> Sometimes even button alignment doesn't help:
>
> +--------------------------------------------------+
> | If you are not a non-subscriber to this branch, |
> | you may not be charged an additional $1.00 for |
> | this transaction - applies to subscribers only |
> | |
> | | _
> | YES, do not charge my card $1.00 ==> | |_|
> | | _
> | NO, charge my card $1.00 ==> | |_|
> | | _
> | YES, don't not charge my card $1.00 ==> | |_|
> | | _
> | NON, ne pas chargez moi en Francais ==> | |_|
> | |
> +--------------------------------------------------+

Oh, it's an Apple brand bank machine. I just installed Apple's
"Cyrillic Language Kit" (now there's a stupid name, like saying
"The British Alphabet" or "The Helvetica Language") and the first
thing the installer did was to ask me whether I wanted the
French version of the Cyrillic Language Kit or the English version
of the Cyrillic Language Kit.

So is French as good a language as Cyrillic, or is French only
as good as Helvetica?

The Cyrillic Language Kit has English and French versions of the on-line
documentation, but not Russian. Because if it did you'd have to install
the Cyrillic Language Kit to read it, and you wouldn't be able to do that
because you couldn't read the documentation, you capitalist fool!

(I also have Gujarati / Gurmukhi / Devanagari, Arabic, Hebrew, Hangul,
Kanji, and Traditional / Simplified Chinese installed, but not
the Chinese Handwriting Kit or the Chinese Dictation Kit because
I do not approve of any country that supports dictators or their kits.)

Anyway, now that I have the Russian / Bulgarian / Ukrainian fonts
and keyboards and sorting algorithms installed (no Byelorussian,
Serbo-Croation, or Estonian, sorry) I have a choice of using
a QWERTY, AZERTY, or QWERTZ keyboard, depending on whether I'm
in the part of Russia that stole its typewriter technology from
England, from France, or from Germany. I think everyone should
use German keyboards because I like going around shouting
"QWERTZ! QWERTZ! QWERTZ!"

That and "THEY USED TO CALL THIS ONE THE BUMP! BIDIBIDIBIDI!"

There's an "Australian" keyboard installed, too. It appears to be
identical to the U.S. one (not the British one). I suspect that
what the Australian one does is to automatically decrease all numerical
values preceded by "$".

Fun fact: Macs have a country code assigned to "Ancient Greek".
I am hoping they localize Mac OS to Ancient Greek soon to prove that
the Mac OS is up-to-date.

-- K.

WELL, I'LL BE, THE POISON'S
IN THE PACKAGING!

Nick S Bensema

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
In article <kibo-23109...@ppp0a018.std.com>,

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>(I also have Gujarati / Gurmukhi / Devanagari, Arabic, Hebrew, Hangul,
>Kanji, and Traditional / Simplified Chinese installed, but not
>the Chinese Handwriting Kit or the Chinese Dictation Kit because
>I do not approve of any country that supports dictators or their kits.)

Studying the Arabic alphabet makes you wonder two things....

first, why you didn't just continue studying an easy alphabet like
Kanji...

and second, why Arabic numerals look nothing like what we call Arabic
numerals.

I wish someone who knew stuff about fonts posted to this group so he
could explain this to me.

>Fun fact: Macs have a country code assigned to "Ancient Greek".
>I am hoping they localize Mac OS to Ancient Greek soon to prove that
>the Mac OS is up-to-date.

And I have yet to see a drop-down box on the web, within Netscape, or
within all of Windows, that includes Esperanto in its all-inclusive
list of languages.

Check the country codes for Latin, while you're at it. I'm curious
as to how they re-assign the "Arabic" (fnar) numbers and the letter U.

James Kibo Parry

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
I have an update on the Mars Mouse, courtesy MIT's Johnathan Richmond,
who has his own star right next to the New Kids On The Block at Tower Records!

Incidentally, as had been pointed out elsewhere, it was a candy bar
MADE by Mars Inc. but not a Mars Bar. It was a Topic Bar. Hence
the topic of the following news report.

> Mouse in Topic bar 'died in Turkey'

"Topic bar" is German for "Steile Futura".

> BY DIANA BLAMIRES

"BLAMIRES!" exploded the land mine in the quagmire. "Waah!" yelled the
bits of Spot. "I see you like onomatopoeia," said John Pertwee, richocheting
across the canyon.

> A DEAD mouse whose head was found in a chocolate bar

HEADLES MOUSE FOUND IN NUTLESS BAR -- NEW YORK POST

> must have been imported in a bag of Turkish hazelnuts,
> rather than dying in England, as it did not smell strongly
> enough, a court heard yesterday.

Meanwhile, a dead turkey was found in a Subject Bar. In the soap aisle.

> The rodent, which was embedded in a Topic bar, was so
> dried out

Someday I'd like to dry in.

> that it must have died outdoors in a foreign country,

Yep, yep, it's not soggy, it can't have come from England.

> according to a pest-control specialist.

Then he sprayed the mouse with five gallons of Extra-Strength Placebo
and told them to pay him another five hundred dollars if it didn't stay dead.

> Westminster Council is prosecuting Mars UK Ltd, which
> made the bar. The confectioners could be fined 20,000
> under the Food Safety Act 1990 for selling food unfit for
> human consumption. Mars denies the charge.

Hey! I know mice have to be fit for human consumption because if
people couldn't eat them, the book of Leviticus wouldn't say not to!

> Adrian Meyer, a rodent expert for the defence, told
> Horseferry Road Magistrates' Court: "The sample was in a
> very desiccated state and was very hard. It could only have
> been dried and hard if subject to drying conditions. This
> could not have happened indoors in the UK. Drying is not
> part of the process at Mars, Slough. It could not have dried
> in this state when enrobed in chocolate.

Slough. Mmmm-mmmmm. I'm going to move my candy factory from Slagheap
to Slough.

> "If it had not been in a desiccated state, anyone eating the
> material would have encountered a strong, distasteful
> flavour and strong aroma."

That is supposition! The court must have experimental proof!
If Your Honor will kindly bite the head off this mouse I have brought
in my trousers, I mean in this plastic bag in my trousers...

> But Paul Foster, a council environmental health officer, said
> that during the three weeks before the Topic bar was
> made, he had found more than 80 mice in traps in the
> warehouse.

And worse, they were all in two mousetraps. Because they were all
very small, very dumb, and very close to each other.

> The case was adjourned until the end of November.

I'd like to see a similar case against Necco for its Sky Bar, the
candy which contains four different kinds of rodents in the four segments.
One is dried-out and dessicated. One is moldy. One is all soggy.
And the fourth is burnt to a crispy crisp. Or it might be supposed to
be peanut butter, I can't tell.

I swear, even if you buy them AT THE NECCO FACTORY, at least one of
the four segments always tastes rancid.

-- K.

Also they make candy
diskettes named "CYBER SPEAK"
that made my computer crash.

Joseph Michael Bay

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:

>That is supposition! The court must have experimental proof!
>If Your Honor will kindly bite the head off this mouse I have brought
>in my trousers, I mean in this plastic bag in my trousers...

Eeew, Kibo made a yucky callback to the "Scientists Want To Use
Mice In Place Of Human Testicles" post!

D.E. Franks

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to

Joseph Michael Bay wrote in message <70pjnr$s...@epic3.Stanford.EDU>...

>ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
>>That is supposition! The court must have experimental proof!
>>If Your Honor will kindly bite the head off this mouse I have brought
>>in my trousers, I mean in this plastic bag in my trousers...
>
>Eeew, Kibo made a yucky callback to the "Scientists Want To Use
>Mice In Place Of Human Testicles" post!
>


I thought it was a Richard Geer reference. Damn am I outta touch.

-Dave

Christopher Chase

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
Once upon a time, in alt.religion.kibology, Rain King
(rev...@radix.net) blathered:

: Etienne Rouette explains it all:

: :Just a slight error: "Non, ne me chargez pas $34 CAN"

: C'est fromage! Pardonnez moi mon boulongerie, mon amine. Chacun a son goat!

HONH HONH! Et moi, je suis le pamplemousse!

--
Chris Chase
Grand Wizard - KPS of Texas
Kamikaze Peep Squad


Ranjit Bhatnagar

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
:> The rodent, which was embedded in a Topic bar, was so
:> dried out

S -> T Sbar
T -> NP Tbar
Tbar -> AUX rodent

-r.
ps. what time zone is Ancient Greek in?

Teg Pipes

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:

> Anyway, now that I have the Russian / Bulgarian / Ukrainian fonts
> and keyboards and sorting algorithms installed (no Byelorussian,
> Serbo-Croation, or Estonian, sorry) I have a choice of using

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In college I was dating this 2nd-generation immigrant from that country
(whose name was Mariana Krczynzccnz). On our second or third date I
asked her a linguistic question: "So, how would this be described in
Serbo-Croation?"

"You mean CROATION!?!?!????"

Needles to say, I didn't get the job.


> That and "THEY USED TO CALL THIS ONE THE BUMP! BIDIBIDIBIDI!"

Begin humping_robot.jpg

Also, there is a joke here about the fact that the producer of Team
Knight Rider's name is similar to that of the actor who played Buck
Rodgers.


-Teg


Clancy Dalebout

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
Organization: Aracnet Internet

James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:

> Rain King (rev...@radix.net) wrote:
[snip]


> Oh, it's an Apple brand bank machine. I just installed Apple's
> "Cyrillic Language Kit" (now there's a stupid name, like saying
> "The British Alphabet" or "The Helvetica Language") and the first
> thing the installer did was to ask me whether I wanted the
> French version of the Cyrillic Language Kit or the English version
> of the Cyrillic Language Kit.

> So is French as good a language as Cyrillic, or is French only
> as good as Helvetica?

> The Cyrillic Language Kit has English and French versions of the on-line
> documentation, but not Russian. Because if it did you'd have to install
> the Cyrillic Language Kit to read it, and you wouldn't be able to do that
> because you couldn't read the documentation, you capitalist fool!

> (I also have Gujarati / Gurmukhi / Devanagari, Arabic, Hebrew, Hangul,


> Kanji, and Traditional / Simplified Chinese installed, but not
> the Chinese Handwriting Kit or the Chinese Dictation Kit because
> I do not approve of any country that supports dictators or their kits.)

> Anyway, now that I have the Russian / Bulgarian / Ukrainian fonts


> and keyboards and sorting algorithms installed (no Byelorussian,
> Serbo-Croation, or Estonian, sorry) I have a choice of using

> a QWERTY, AZERTY, or QWERTZ keyboard, depending on whether I'm
> in the part of Russia that stole its typewriter technology from
> England, from France, or from Germany. I think everyone should
> use German keyboards because I like going around shouting
> "QWERTZ! QWERTZ! QWERTZ!"

> That and "THEY USED TO CALL THIS ONE THE BUMP! BIDIBIDIBIDI!"

> There's an "Australian" keyboard installed, too. It appears to be


> identical to the U.S. one (not the British one). I suspect that
> what the Australian one does is to automatically decrease all numerical
> values preceded by "$".

> Fun fact: Macs have a country code assigned to "Ancient Greek".


> I am hoping they localize Mac OS to Ancient Greek soon to prove that
> the Mac OS is up-to-date.

I have no joke, I just feel compelled to say that you ought to try out the
Postscript Cherokee fonts sometime, which is just a bunch of Roman and
Greek letters assigned to phonemes radnomly. And different fonts mean
different letters, like the curly French "L¨ is a completely different
sound as the Helvetica "L". Which I suppose would make it a better
3l133t HaXor font than anything else, assuming there was a Cherokee
keyboard, which there isn't.

Sorry, the Swink-a-jee joke still kills me, I'll renew my .sig in another
week.

--
Clancy Dalebout | xmsho@!spam!nein!yahoo.com

"Gravity is an invisible frog named Shwink-A-Jee that presses down on
the top of your head to keep you short." --Kibo

Thomas R Scudder

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
Teg Pipes (t...@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) asieoniezi:
: In college I was dating this 2nd-generation immigrant from that country

: (whose name was Mariana Krczynzccnz). On our second or third date I
: asked her a linguistic question: "So, how would this be described in
: Serbo-Croation?"

: "You mean CROATION!?!?!????"

So did you ask her what the fuck ever happened to Roanoke?
--
Tom Scudder aka tom...@umich.edu <*> http://www-personal.umich.edu/~tomscud
Squeezing flinthead trout "I contradict myself? Very well,
in their massive jaws, sparks fly: I contra- hey, wait. No I don't!"
Bears discover fire.

Joseph Michael Bay

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
Teg Pipes <t...@fruitfly.berkeley.edu> writes:

>In college I was dating this 2nd-generation immigrant from that country
>(whose name was Mariana Krczynzccnz). On our second or third date I
>asked her a linguistic question: "So, how would this be described in
>Serbo-Croation?"

> "You mean CROATION!?!?!????"


A: And where the hell did all those English colonists go, anyway?

B: Whut in CROATION!?!?!?!?

C: It's not the size of the Serb, it's the motion of the Croation.

the Ur-Beatle

unread,
Oct 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/23/98
to
in amazement, I beheld ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
write in alt.religion.kibology:

""the Ur-Beatle" (taly...@softhome.net) wrote:

[ re banks that have ATM machines that have braille instructions
that have labels in english that say "you'll go blind if you
read these bumps". ]

"> if they didn't inform their sighted customers that the braille
"> instructions were for the visually impaired, people would think
"> they'd gone blind!

"So you're saying this is part of a conspiracy to hide the fact that
"automatic teller machines MAKE YOU GO BLIND?

I can neither confirm nor deny this.

I only used automatic teller machines until I needed glasses.


--
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, Deny thy name!
His Most Feathered Eminence, the Ur-Beatle
High Holy Hekkador of alt.slack

Etienne Rouette

unread,
Oct 24, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/24/98
to
In article <kibo-23109...@ppp0a018.std.com>, ki...@world.std.com
(James "Kibo" Parry) says...

>
> The Cyrillic Language Kit has English and French versions of the on-line
> documentation, but not Russian. Because if it did you'd have to install
> the Cyrillic Language Kit to read it, and you wouldn't be able to do that
> because you couldn't read the documentation, you capitalist fool!
>

So, the only way for you to get the Cyrillic Language Kit (CLK) in
Cyrillic, is to go back in time, give yourself the CLK before you get the
CLK. But then, by going back in time, you're creating a new timeline from
the point to which you go back in time. In this timeline, in which you
gave yourself the CLK, you don't get the impulse to go back in time and
give yourself the CLK since you already have it, therefore you don't give
yourself the CLK, and you're stuck back in the first timeline in which
you don't have the CLK, so you can't install it in the Cyrillic language,
so you go back in time to give it to yourself, and so on.

Therefore, you'd be stuck in an infinite loop which would signify the end
of the future and the continuous repetitions of the A-B and C-D segments,
like in this diagram.

B D
| \ /|
| \/ |
| / \ |
|/ \|
A C
|
|
|
|

A= Point where you don't give yourself the CLK
B= Point where you go back to give yourself the CLK (end of the first
timeline)
C= Point where you give yourself the CLK
D= Point where you don't need to go back in time to give yourself the CLK
since you already got it and where time reverts to A. End of second
timeline.

We're doomed again, because of your stupid fonts!

Etienne Rouette (Ph.D. Temporal Mechanics*)

P.S. I got this Ph.D. on the web! Cool, eh?

Etienne Rouette

unread,
Oct 24, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/24/98
to
In article <70q92l$78c$1...@geraldo.cc.utexas.edu>, cha...@uts.cc.utexas.edu
says...

> Once upon a time, in alt.religion.kibology, Rain King
> (rev...@radix.net) blathered:
>
> : Etienne Rouette explains it all:
>
> : :Just a slight error: "Non, ne me chargez pas $34 CAN"
>
> : C'est fromage! Pardonnez moi mon boulongerie, mon amine. Chacun a son goat!
>
> HONH HONH! Et moi, je suis le pamplemousse!
>

Try saying "pamplemousse" out loud really fast, but with an added l.

PLAMPLEMOUSSE *spit**spit*.

Then try to do it without spitting.

Seconds of fun for all the family!

Etienne Rouette

Matt McIrvin

unread,
Oct 26, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/26/98
to
(James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

>Fun fact: Macs have a country code assigned to "Ancient Greek".
>I am hoping they localize Mac OS to Ancient Greek soon to prove that
>the Mac OS is up-to-date.

They just did that in the hope of getting a product placement on
one of the "Hercules" spin-offs.

Francesco Benvenuto

unread,
Oct 26, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/26/98
to
On 21 Oct 1998 03:43:17 GMT,
in alt.religion.kibology, dfly...@homer.louisville.edu (david lynch) wrote:

$ How do you pronounce "Marcia In La", composed by Ennio Morricone?
$ And what the sam hill is it supposed to mean, anyway?

"Marcia In La", of course. Italian is pronounced exactly as it is
written, you silly! I can't properly translate the title into English
as it translates back to "Marzo in un" which makes even less sense.

To be more precise: before the invention of the personal computer
Italian was written on a QZERTY keyboard, and pronounced accordingly.

And here it is, preserved for posterity, the no-longer available QZERTY
layout, as obtained from my faithful Olivetti Lettera 35 (Olivetti made
decent typewriters and crappy computers):

(I have no idea what character encoding the combination of editor and
newsreader I am using will inflict upon you: the newsreader claims to
use ISO-8559-1, but I doubt it really does).

+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
|Huh| 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | & | º | + |
|???| é | " | ' | ( | _ | è | ^ | ç | á | ) | - |
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+-----+
| Q | Z | E | R | T | Y | U | I | O | P | = |back |
| q | z | e | r | t | y | u | i | o | p | ì |space|
+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+-----+
+-----+ +---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+-----+
|shift| | A | S | D | F | G | H | J | K | L | M | % | red |
|lock | | a | s | d | f | g | h | j | k | l | m | ù | key |
+-----+ +---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+-----+
+-----+ +---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+ +-----+
|left | | W | X | C | V | B | N | ? | . | / | ! | |right|
|shift| | w | x | c | v | b | n | , | ; | : | ò | |shift|
+-----+ +---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+ +-----+

The red key frees the carriage for precision (i.e. random) alignment,
the Huh??? key also does something mechanical, but I can't remember
what and can't be bothered to find out.

You can clearly see that the Italian layout originates from the French
AZERTY, since ç is of no use in Italian, and both ì and ù have the
wrong kind of accent: they should really have been í and ú,
unfortunately only a few editors (noticeably Einaudi) still use the
correct accents today, most use the fake French ones.
Handwritten Italian does not distinguish the open and close accents,
(otherwise known as acute and grave, but this is French influence again)
so this is not extremely important.

You also can see that I am a cultured and literate person, since I
can tell "shift lock" and "caps lock" keys apart.

The Italian keyboard nowadays found on computers is, for unknown
reasons, remarkably different from this one. The lack of curly braces
was unfortunately propagated, henceforth rending it unusable for any
serious work: Italian PC's are only to be used for facetious purposes!
--
fB

Brian JARAI Chase

unread,
Oct 27, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/27/98
to
In article <mmcirvin-251...@ppp0a016.std.com>,

Matt McIrvin <mmci...@world.std.com> wrote:
>In article <kibo-23109...@ppp0a018.std.com>, ki...@world.std.com
>(James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

>>Fun fact: Macs have a country code assigned to "Ancient Greek".
>>I am hoping they localize Mac OS to Ancient Greek soon to prove that
>>the Mac OS is up-to-date.

>They just did that in the hope of getting a product placement on
>one of the "Hercules" spin-offs.

A guy I used to know in highschool called me out of the blue this morning.
He's now working as an assistant editor for "Young Hercules". When you're
a kibologist, you're never more than a person or two away from a "Hercules"
spin-off.

-jarai.
--
---
Brian "JARAI" Chase | http://world.std.com/~bdc/ | VAXZilla LIVES!!!

Lt. Wilkes

unread,
Nov 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/1/98
to
In article <F17B4...@world.std.com>, b...@world.std.com (Brian "JARAI"
Chase) says...
> >You know, you are, technically, allowed to WALK up to the drive-up ATM
> >machines. I have often done this. Do bad stand-up comedians not realize
> >they have feet?
>
> Yeah but if you'RE blind and WALK up to the DRIVE up ATM then maybe the
> other blind customers who DRIVE up to the special Braille enhanced ATM
> will RUN over you.

Excellent. Somebody finally noticed all the Braille embedded in the
pavement.

Sincerely,
Lieutenant Wilkes

Lt. Wilkes

unread,
Nov 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/1/98
to
In article <kibo-21109...@ppp0a001.std.com>, ki...@world.std.com
(James "Kibo" Parry) says...
> > when we are treated to screens such as
> >
> > _________________________ ----
> > | | | |1
> > | | ----
> > | REALLY ERASE YES---> |
> > | YOUR ATM CARD? | ----
> > | | | |2
> > | | ----
> > | NO---> |
> > | | ----
> > | | | |3
> > | | ----
> > | |
> > | | ----
> > | | | |4
> > |_________________________| ----
>
> Matt, that's because you are of freakishly average stature. If you were
> really short, or really tall, this would look really right, or really wrong.
> But you're just weirdly normal.

Since the average height of women is about 5'4" and the average height
for men is 5'9" you could say that the average height for human beings is
about 5'6.5" which is what the ATM makers seem to be aiming for when they
manufacture their display screens and buttons. The rest of us may be
left to various contortions to try to get the proper view of it.

But instead of griping and whining about it, why not look at it as an
opportunity to get some exercise? For those of you who are on the short
side, try going up on the balls of your feet and holding there for the
duration of your transaction, this exercise is very good for the calf
muscles. Those on the taller side can take a gentle knee bend and hold,
this will tone those thighs quite nicely.

The tall people can try a more challenging workout by stacking up a few
inches worth of bricks or some boards, to make a platform, and then
powerlift the ATM onto the platform. This is good for overall strength.
Those needing a lower adjustment can get a different workout by digging a
small hole, a few inches, in front of the ATM and then pushing the ATM
into the hole.

Also, we all know that sometimes you'll encounter an ATM that isn't
working properly or that is telling you that your account is a few
hundred dollars short of what you think it is. Here, you can take
advantage of the popularity of combination kickboxing/aerobics classes by
attaching some kind of punching pad to the ATM and kicking and punching
it to your heart's delight. This is a good cardiovascular exercise and
is also darn good for venting those pent up frustrations.

Your a.r.k. fitness guru,
Lieutenant Wilkes

Lord Timothy Dexter

unread,
Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
to
Lt. Wilkes ordered us all to attention then barked:

Good advice! Could you just hold this lever while I go get my pickup
truck? Thanks!

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