What is being codependent ? Am I codependent ?

[Kathy Spain]

I have been called many things but never a text book case of
codependency.
My ex-husband and friend is in his 3rd week of a 60 day alcohol rehab.
program. This is wonderful and I hope it helps but now he is saying
that I
contributed to his problems by being codependent. Hmmm. Gotta love
this unloading of baggage and accountability.

Any feeback would be greatly appreciated. I am not sure how to
approach him on this without seeming (obviously) defensive.

ka...@gordian.com
Gordian (714)850-0205
20361 Irvine Ave. (714)850-0533 FAX
Santa Ana Heights, CA 92707

[Dee Dee]

Hi Kathy!

Kathy Spain (ka...@gordian.com) wrote:
: I have been called many things but never a text book case of
: codependency.

<grin>

: My ex-husband and friend is in his 3rd week of a 60 day alcohol rehab.

: program. This is wonderful and I hope it helps but now he is saying
: that I contributed to his problems by being codependent. Hmmm. Gotta
: love this unloading of baggage and accountability.

There's a lot of stuff here. Let's see... first, I think that any person
in a relationship with an active alcoholic/addict would be likely to act
out some behaviors that could be attributed to codependency. Does that
mean you are codependent? Certainly not. Does it mean you're not? No.

Secondly, it was his choice to drink or not to drink, or if you prescribe
to AA's teachings, it was the disease that caused him to drink. Nothing
you did *made* him drink. There are lots of ways to work out problems,
and we each have the responsibility of choosing which path to take. In
his life, that was drinking... it was his *reaction*, whether you believe
it was the disease or his choice, which led him to drinking, not your
action. I'm treading on thin ice here, having never been in recovery
for alcoholism or substance abuse, but the point I'm trying to make is
that there is no *blame* to be placed for someone's drinking, not on
him, not on you, not on anyone. The goal is just to take it one day at a
time and learn how to live without drinking.

My guess is that he's struggling and trying to figure things out, he's
just learned what codependent behaviors are, he recognized some of them,
he thinks you're codependent... he can think whatever he wants (and
will) but what you do about it is up to you.

Maybe he thinks he is being helpful by letting you know that you exhibit
some of the same behaviors as those who are codependent. Well, you have
the choice of taking it or leaving it. Perhaps, if your curiousity is up,
you might read some books on codependency (we have a book list) or take a
quick peek at the FAQ, which has some excerpts from Melody Beattie's
_Codependent_No_More_ that attempt to define codependence, or hang out
here and read some posts to see if you relate. Entirely up to you.

: Any feeback would be greatly appreciated. I am not sure how to

: approach him on this without seeming (obviously) defensive.

Hmmmm... well, if I were in your position, and having a very good day, I
think I would just let it go. On a bad day, I would probably argue with
him and try to convince him that I am right. On an okay day, probably a
mixture of the two. But there's no right or wrong, no bad or good, just
him trying to get sober. He has a right to his own thoughts, his own
beliefs about *why* he drinks, but he doesn't have the right to impose
them on you. Having been involved with several alcoholics, particularly
one who was just entering recovery for the first time (and I subsequently
entered recovery for codependence/adult children of alcoholics issues),
I think I'd probably just try to support him in whatever way I feel
comfortable... they go through a *really* rough time in the beginning
(first 90 days or so?). But if you feel that he intends only to place
blame, you have every right to step out of the picture, and let him go.
He's entitled to his opinions, you are entitled to yours, and sometimes
the best solution is just to agree to disagree.

Just my opinion... sounds too much like I'm giving advice, and I'm not
really comfortable with that, but I speak from my own experiences, so
take it only for what it is... just my opinion. :)

--
Dee Dee
*------------------------------------------------------------------------*
* On Wednesday, when the sky is blue, And I have nothing else to do, *
* I sometimes wonder if it's true.... That who is what, and what is who. *
*----------------------------------------------------- A. A. Milne ------*