Hope...or lack of it...
julia_...@my-deja.com
>Hi... just having one of those days... and been reading posts on
>"giving" and so on.
>Today, I feel pretty confused about all this. All my life I've been
>giving. For the wrong reasons? Maybe. Sometimes absolutely. Today I
>just
>feel on the verge of tears.
>You know what... today I don't care what the label is... what I am
>called... what my problem(s) is/are. I just want to sit down and cry.
>Period. Nothing else. I don't want to think about why I do things...
>nothing.
>I give up.
Don´t give up,everyone has those days. Having a good cry helps
sometimes. I´ve read quite a few of your postings in the ng, and you
come across as such a thoughtful, warm, and loving person. Be that way
to yourself, too.You deserve it!
{{{{{Shelley}}}}}
Julia
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Shelley Solvey
my life would have ever believed people would really care. And here I am
on a NG with people I will never meet and feel like there is more caring
here than I have ever received in my life.
I had a cry yesterday. And went to the gym. And the sun came up this
morning as usual and the world looks a little more hopeful. I keep
resisting the idea of letting go of him. And I wrote and wrote in my
journal last night about what it is that just won't let me go.HE isn't
controlling me... I am letting certain emotion control me. But I can't
quite figure out what it is.
I sat last night and my mind was wandering in my journal and I was
thinking... geez - how would I feel if I actually had my "perfect"
scenario. My perfect life. And I couldn't grasp it. It kind of made me
realize some things too... like maybe I "enjoy" my unhappiness and
addiction because I am afraid to actually be happy. I am afraid to like my
self.
Does that sound weird? I read the posts about self centeredness et al. I
feel like I am sick sometimes of talking about myself (my problems) and
yet if I am not talking about that... I have nothing to say (?) I cannot
talk to people about positive things unless I am their support person and
supporting THEM. But if they want to talk about me... unless we are
analyzing me to death... I never say anything.
Is that codependency??
ss
ss
tpatrick
Codependency isn't about what we don't do (ie "I never say anything",unless
they analyze me to death) it's about what we do ("I am letting certain
emotions control me").
You've come a long way just by realizing that "He isn't controlling me". It
means that you're are ready to take responsibility for your own life.
In your journaling you came to a roadblock visualizing your perfect life.
That is probably a very good thing. Life is seldom perfect and those who
practice this kind of black and white thinking are bound to find
disappointment. Go back to your journal and try to set some reasonable
goals. ( ie a significant other with a job who doesnt drink and drug )
Maybe he'll have stinky feet but maybe you can live with that. Being happy
with the results of your relationships is more important than always being
happy in them. That's the kind of Serenity I'm looking for.
Don't worry too much about being self-centered. At times we all do that.
It's just your turn and it's OK. Those who have a problem dont even know
that others exist let alone worry about it.
All the things you mention are a part of codependency but the defining key
is the behavior. As long as you make your happiness at least equal to the
other person you're on the right track.
Hope this helps
tpatrickb
Shelley Solvey <shelley...@savillegroup.com> wrote in article
<39B65A22...@savillegroup.com>...
:HE isn't controlling me... I am letting certain emotion control me. But I
Jim
disease or people for our problems, issues, or behavior. I know that it's just
the opposite, we can no longer blame others or drugs or anything else for our
feelings or actions. We take responsibility for our lives and our feelings, no
longer giving the power so freely to people, places and things. It doesn't mean
we deny what we feel just determines how we act on those feelings both to us
and those around us. There is so much freedom that comes with that knowledge.
Granted it doesn't change overnight, the old behaviors die hard and it still
seems like second nature at times to give up that power again, but we learn and
with repetition it gets easier to hold on to the power ourselves.
With arms wide open!
Jim