Codependency Defined and Recovery
Danny Lewis White, Sr.
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The topic is codependency defined and the recovery from it.=20
Definition of Codependency: A compulsive behavior with something =
external to ourselves, and continuing that behavior in spite of =
consequences to ourselves and/or others.
Definition of Addiction: A compulsive behavior with something external =
to ourselves, and continuing that behavior in spite of consequences to =
ourselves and/or others.
The purpose of tonight's group is to explain how the disease of =
codependency is nearly the same as the disease of addiction. As family =
members, we will benefit if we understand that we have a very similar =
affliction as the addict. Very similar indeed.
To see how codependency is a disease like addiction, we need to compare =
it to the disease of addiction. Reviewing the definitions above, the =
"something external" in the definition can refer to alcohol, drugs, =
cigarettes, gambling, sex, food, another person, etc.
Now we will review the symptoms and behaviors of addiction applied to =
codependency.
A symptom describes common characteristics of a disease. Coughing, high =
fever, high white blood cell count are symptoms of pneumonia or =
bronchitis. When a doctor has a patient's symptom's, he can begin to =
diagnose the underlying disease.=20
When someone's body is affected by a disease, we expect them to show =
different behaviors. Sleeping, lethargy, poor appetite are the behaviors =
which accompany pneumonia. Addiction and codependency manifests its own =
set of "classic" behaviors.
Let us now look at some of the common symptoms of addiction with =
codependency:
Disease Symptoms
Preoccupation: " I am preoccupied with where my husband is, who he is =
with, and what I will say to him."
Increased Tolerance: "I have increased tolerance to the dysfunction and =
the pain in the relationship."
"If somebody had told me when we got married, that 10 years later, I =
would be married to an alcoholic/addict who lies constantly to me, who =
steals money from my purse, who ignores the kids, who expects me to make =
love to him drunk or high, who I can't talk to or feel close to, I would =
have run screaming from the alter. The fact that I have somehow ended up =
in this situation shows that I have increased tolerance to the pain."
Loss of Control: "When I know that he is going to be late for dinner =
again, I usually give him the cold shoulder and go about my business. =
That's my plan. On occasion, I'll just snap. Yesterday, I was planning =
on ignoring him, but I ended up screaming in front of the kids. I, not =
my husband, was out of control."
Denial: "I'm not sick. He has the problem, not me. I haven't changed at =
all."
Delusion: "The kids have not been affected by me or my behavior."
Blackouts: "We had a screaming fight the other night. I don't remember =
exactly what I said."
Cravings: "I really miss him. When he is gone, my whole body aches."
Compulsive Behavior: "I tell myself that I am not eating the chocolate =
cake. I eat it anyway." (Compulsive behaviors include workaholism, =
perfectionism, other addictive disorders.)
Frozen Or Numb Feelings: "I used to laugh a lot, and feel happy and =
carefree. I haven't felt happy and carefree in years."
Decreased Tolerance: "I can't take anymore. Everything he does irritates =
me.".........Decreased tolerance is usually what motivates the =
codependent to get help. It is an emotional bottom.
Medical Problems: "I have constant headaches and high blood =
pressure."......If the codependent does not get help for themselves, =
they will have medical problems. Some will be fatal. Initial medical =
problems are headaches, muscle aches, fatigue, and depression.
Serious end stage medical problems include hypertension (repressed anger =
leaves blood vessels in constant states of constriction, resulting in =
hypertension). Hypertension leads to strokes and heart attacks. Eating =
disorders and significant emotional disorders develop, particularly =
major depression which is life threatening. Suicide may be a danger if =
the codependent does not get help.
Can any of you relate to this list of symptoms??
Now we will review the Disease Behaviors and try to keep focused on our =
dysfunction.
Disease Behaviors
Rationalizing: "I make excuses about why I'm sleeping more or why I'm =
irritated. It's the weather or the kids."
Minimizing: "I didn't really lose control when I screamed in front of =
the kids. Maybe a little, but the kids have seen worse on TV."
Blaming: "It's his fault that I've changed. If he would quit drinking, I =
could be happy."
Euphoric Recall: "How can I leave him? It used to be so good. I remember =
our honeymoon, he was so sweet. I really love him."
Sneaking/Lying: "I told him the gas bill was $100. It was only $80. I =
told my mother we are doing fine. I've become a liar."
Hiding/Secrets: "I don't want to go to parties anymore. I don't want my =
friends to see us this way. I don't even tell the kids their Dad is an =
alcoholic/addict."
Anger: "I wake up angry. I'm always mad at work or with the kids."
Shame: "If I was prettier, he wouldn't drink or use. I'm a terrible =
parent."
Fear: "Tell him he's an alcoholic/addict? Tell the kids, my family and =
the boss that he's an alcoholic/addict? No way. He could lose his job. =
My family will judge us. I'm afraid."
Isolation: "I don't go out with my friends anymore. I hardly have any =
friends. I can't tell anybody how I am feeling. I feel all alone."
Shall we take a quick look at the feelings?
Depressed
Sad
Alone
Ashamed
Angry, etc.=20
How do you feel in the feeling list? The feelings we have are nearly =
identical to the list the addict develops.
Can you relate to this? Think of some examples for yourself. Ask your =
alcoholic/addict to find some examples of how you do these behaviors? Do =
you see that if you remove the word addiction from the picture, they =
have the same disease?=20
Both addiction and codependency disease are chronic, progressive, and =
fatal, manifested by tolerance and loss of control.
Before most addict's addiction took on a life of its own, they did the =
codependency trip. They found something or someone outside of themselves =
to fix their insides, When they quit using, they will go back to their =
own pattern of codependency. After their cravings for the drug leaves =
and they are able to stay sober, they will be working on their =
underlying codependency the same as anyone else. There is little =
difference between us as addicts or codependents, we're just people. We =
share the same disease. Our recovery will look the same. People are =
people.
Now for recovery!!!
Addicts are codependents.
Codependents are addicted to their codependency.
We are like garbage cans coming into treatment or the program, the =
addicts and the codependents alike.=20
The outsides are our defenses. We're as tough as steel. Rocks bounce off =
us.
The inside is how we are really feeling, the nasty garbage. Feelings of =
shame, anger, pain, fear of abandonment, loneliness, our secrets. All of =
this is tightly sealed in by the lid of the garbage can, festering.
Somewhere underneath all of this garbage is our self-worth, our ability =
to love, feel joy, and be creative. It is so mixed up with the garbage =
that the whole thing smells bad.
The lid keeps our garbage inside. The lid is our denial-minimizing, =
rationalizing, blaming, intellectualizing, and so forth.
The only way to recover from any disease is to take the lid off and =
clean out the garbage.
The first step in doing this is to break through the defenses and the =
denial about how sick we are.
This is the first step in Nar-Anon or Al-Anon-to recognize that I'm =
powerless over___________, and that my life is unmanageable.
Nobody held a gun to my head and said "go through his wallet" or "sneak =
around and check up on him" or "scream in front of the kids." There was =
no gun to my head. I developed this all on my own. My life is =
unmanageable, I'm out of control.
It is hard for most of us as codependents to understand that we have the =
problem. Another example how being codependent becomes "unmanageable." =
I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm mean to the kids, my feelings are out of =
control.
The first step is breaking through my denial.
I'm powerless and I'm sick. I'm done with denial!
The second step is getting the garbage out. This is an action step! =
Thinking about garbage and simply recognizing it is not the solution. If =
I see garbage in a trash can and sit around thinking about it, the =
garbage is still in the trash can.
Taking the trash out, means taking the trash out! It means taking out =
each secret and exposing it to air. Nasty rotting things in a garbage =
can, when exposed to air, will quit rotting, dry up, and eventually =
disintegrate, The fresh air is the spirituality in Nar-Anon/Al-Anon. I =
take out my secret or painful event and put it on the table. This is =
Nar-Anon/Al-Anon or family therapy. If I leave the secret or shame =
inside, it stays inside. If I put it on the table, it is not inside of =
me anymore and the healing environment of Nar-Anon/Al-Anon and others =
can help heal it. When I get my garbage out, fresh air can rush in and =
rejuvenate my joy, love, and creativity.
Codependency is like having a festering wound on your arm. It is not =
going away. You don't know how to fix it so you put a bandage on top of =
it. This is what we were taught in dysfunctional families. Cover it up.
The wound gets worse and worse. It gets really gross and filled with pus =
and we keep the bandages on. The wound is our internal wound, the =
bandage is our denial and way to protect our wound.
The therapist or doctor tells us that the only way to clean the wound is =
to take the bandage off, clean out the pus which is painful, and expose =
the wound to air or Nar-Anon/Al-Anon.
We have two choices. We can do nothing, leave the bandage on, and lose =
the arm.
We can clean out the cut, let fresh blood come to the surface and expose =
it to air.
Both the addict and the codependent are the same at a feeling level and =
with defenses. Both stand behind walls with their shame, anger, fear, =
and pain. To heal relationships the walls need to be taken down, brick =
by brick. Since each person created their wall, each person needs to =
take down their wall.
When the wall or denial comes down, our feelings and our vulnerability =
are exposed. This is the work of therapy and 12 Step meetings. Being =
real and honest about our vulnerability and feelings so we can transform =
them.
If only one, say, the addict, does this and does the work what will the =
relationship look like? All parties need to work on their own program. =
If I only talk about my shame, what is left in the relationship? My =
anger, fear, and pain are still present, alive and festering.
We each need to understand that to recover, we each need to take the =
walls down and work of our own feelings. To recover, we will need to =
begin to make decisions about being willing to do our own work, work our =
own program.
Will you start looking at your denial, bring it to a group and talk =
about it? Will you take out the garbage? Will you start going to =
Nar-Anon/Al-Anon/Coda/ACOA or be part of the problem?
Welcome to the beginning of emotional sobriety!!!
--=20
Danny Lewis White, Sr. (Thebio...@msn.com)
Advisory Council ADSBCC
Credentialled Chemical Dependency and Co-dependency Counselor, =
Registered
Candidate
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<DIV>
<DIV>The topic is codependency defined and the recovery from =
it. </DIV>
<DIV>Definition of Codependency: A compulsive behavior with something =
external=20
to ourselves, and continuing that behavior in spite of consequences to =
ourselves=20
and/or others.</DIV>
<DIV>Definition of Addiction: A compulsive behavior with something =
external to=20
ourselves, and continuing that behavior in spite of consequences to =
ourselves=20
and/or others.</DIV>
<DIV>The purpose of tonight's group is to explain how the disease =
of=20
codependency is nearly the same as the disease of addiction. As family =
members,=20
we will benefit if we understand that we have a very similar affliction =
as the=20
addict. Very similar indeed.</DIV>
<DIV>To see how codependency is a disease like addiction, we need to =
compare it=20
to the disease of addiction. Reviewing the definitions above, the=20
"something external" in the definition can refer to alcohol, =
drugs,=20
cigarettes, gambling, sex, food, another person, etc.</DIV>
<DIV>Now we will review the symptoms and behaviors of addiction applied =
to=20
codependency.</DIV>
<DIV>A symptom describes common characteristics of a disease. Coughing, =
high=20
fever, high white blood cell count are symptoms of pneumonia or =
bronchitis. When=20
a doctor has a patient's symptom's, he can begin to diagnose the =
underlying=20
disease. </DIV>
<DIV>When someone's body is affected by a disease, we expect them to =
show=20
different behaviors. Sleeping, lethargy, poor appetite are the behaviors =
which=20
accompany pneumonia. Addiction and codependency manifests its own set of =
"classic" behaviors.</DIV>
<DIV>Let us now look at some of the common symptoms of addiction with=20
codependency:</DIV>
<DIV>Disease Symptoms</DIV>
<DIV>Preoccupation: " I am preoccupied with where my husband is, =
who he is=20
with, and what I will say to him."</DIV>
<DIV>Increased Tolerance: "I have increased tolerance to the =
dysfunction=20
and the pain in the relationship."</DIV>
<DIV>"If somebody had told me when we got married, that 10 years =
later, I=20
would be married to an alcoholic/addict who lies constantly to me, who =
steals=20
money from my purse, who ignores the kids, who expects me to make love =
to him=20
drunk or high, who I can't talk to or feel close to, I would have run =
screaming=20
from the alter. The fact that I have somehow ended up in this situation =
shows=20
that I have increased tolerance to the pain."</DIV>
<DIV>Loss of Control: "When I know that he is going to be late for =
dinner=20
again, I usually give him the cold shoulder and go about my business. =
That's my=20
plan. On occasion, I'll just snap. Yesterday, I was planning on ignoring =
him,=20
but I ended up screaming in front of the kids. I, not my husband, was =
out of=20
control."</DIV>
<DIV>Denial: "I'm not sick. He has the problem, not me. I haven't =
changed=20
at all."</DIV>
<DIV>Delusion: "The kids have not been affected by me or my=20
behavior."</DIV>
<DIV>Blackouts: "We had a screaming fight the other night. I don't =
remember=20
exactly what I said."</DIV>
<DIV>Cravings: "I really miss him. When he is gone, my whole body=20
aches."</DIV>
<DIV>Compulsive Behavior: "I tell myself that I am not eating the =
chocolate=20
cake. I eat it anyway." (Compulsive behaviors include workaholism,=20
perfectionism, other addictive disorders.)</DIV>
<DIV>Frozen Or Numb Feelings: "I used to laugh a lot, and feel =
happy and=20
carefree. I haven't felt happy and carefree in years."</DIV>
<DIV>Decreased Tolerance: "I can't take anymore. Everything he does =
irritates me.".........Decreased tolerance is usually what =
motivates the=20
codependent to get help. It is an emotional bottom.</DIV>
<DIV>Medical Problems: "I have constant headaches and high blood=20
pressure."......If the codependent does not get help for =
themselves, they=20
will have medical problems. Some will be fatal. Initial medical problems =
are=20
headaches, muscle aches, fatigue, and depression.</DIV>
<DIV>Serious end stage medical problems include hypertension (repressed =
anger=20
leaves blood vessels in constant states of constriction, resulting in=20
hypertension). Hypertension leads to strokes and heart attacks. Eating =
disorders=20
and significant emotional disorders develop, particularly major =
depression which=20
is life threatening. Suicide may be a danger if the codependent does not =
get=20
help.</DIV>
<DIV>Can any of you relate to this list of symptoms??</DIV>
<DIV>Now we will review the Disease Behaviors and try to keep focused on =
our=20
dysfunction.</DIV>
<DIV>Disease Behaviors</DIV>
<DIV>Rationalizing: "I make excuses about why I'm sleeping more or =
why I'm=20
irritated. It's the weather or the kids."</DIV>
<DIV>Minimizing: "I didn't really lose control when I screamed in =
front of=20
the kids. Maybe a little, but the kids have seen worse on =
TV."</DIV>
<DIV>Blaming: "It's his fault that I've changed. If he would quit =
drinking,=20
I could be happy."</DIV>
<DIV>Euphoric Recall: "How can I leave him? It used to be so good. =
I=20
remember our honeymoon, he was so sweet. I really love him."</DIV>
<DIV>Sneaking/Lying: "I told him the gas bill was $100. It was only =
$80. I=20
told my mother we are doing fine. I've become a liar."</DIV>
<DIV>Hiding/Secrets: "I don't want to go to parties anymore. I =
don't want=20
my friends to see us this way. I don't even tell the kids their Dad is =
an=20
alcoholic/addict."</DIV>
<DIV>Anger: "I wake up angry. I'm always mad at work or with the=20
kids."</DIV>
<DIV>Shame: "If I was prettier, he wouldn't drink or use. I'm a =
terrible=20
parent."</DIV>
<DIV>Fear: "Tell him he's an alcoholic/addict? Tell the kids, my =
family and=20
the boss that he's an alcoholic/addict? No way. He could lose his job. =
My family=20
will judge us. I'm afraid."</DIV>
<DIV>Isolation: "I don't go out with my friends anymore. I hardly =
have any=20
friends. I can't tell anybody how I am feeling. I feel all =
alone."</DIV>
<DIV>Shall we take a quick look at the feelings?</DIV>
<DIV>Depressed<BR>Sad<BR>Alone<BR>Ashamed<BR>Angry, etc. </DIV>
<DIV>How do you feel in the feeling list? The feelings we have are =
nearly=20
identical to the list the addict develops.</DIV>
<DIV>Can you relate to this? Think of some examples for yourself. Ask =
your=20
alcoholic/addict to find some examples of how you do these behaviors? Do =
you see=20
that if you remove the word addiction from the picture, they have the =
same=20
disease? </DIV>
<DIV>Both addiction and codependency disease are chronic, progressive, =
and=20
fatal, manifested by tolerance and loss of control.</DIV>
<DIV>Before most addict's addiction took on a life of its own, they did =
the=20
codependency trip. They found something or someone outside of themselves =
to fix=20
their insides, When they quit using, they will go back to their own =
pattern of=20
codependency. After their cravings for the drug leaves and they are able =
to stay=20
sober, they will be working on their underlying codependency the same as =
anyone=20
else. There is little difference between us as addicts or codependents, =
we're=20
just people. We share the same disease. Our recovery will look the same. =
People=20
are people.</DIV>
<DIV>Now for recovery!!!</DIV>
<DIV>Addicts are codependents.</DIV>
<DIV>Codependents are addicted to their codependency.</DIV>
<DIV>We are like garbage cans coming into treatment or the program, the =
addicts=20
and the codependents alike. </DIV>
<DIV>The outsides are our defenses. We're as tough as steel. Rocks =
bounce off=20
us.</DIV>
<DIV>The inside is how we are really feeling, the nasty garbage. =
Feelings of=20
shame, anger, pain, fear of abandonment, loneliness, our secrets. All of =
this is=20
tightly sealed in by the lid of the garbage can, festering.</DIV>
<DIV>Somewhere underneath all of this garbage is our self-worth, our =
ability to=20
love, feel joy, and be creative. It is so mixed up with the garbage that =
the=20
whole thing smells bad.</DIV>
<DIV>The lid keeps our garbage inside. The lid is our denial-minimizing, =
rationalizing, blaming, intellectualizing, and so forth.</DIV>
<DIV>The only way to recover from any disease is to take the lid off and =
clean=20
out the garbage.</DIV>
<DIV>The first step in doing this is to break through the defenses and =
the=20
denial about how sick we are.</DIV>
<DIV>This is the first step in Nar-Anon or Al-Anon-to recognize that I'm =
powerless over___________, and that my life is unmanageable.</DIV>
<DIV>Nobody held a gun to my head and said "go through his =
wallet" or=20
"sneak around and check up on him" or "scream in front of =
the=20
kids." There was no gun to my head. I developed this all on my own. =
My life=20
is unmanageable, I'm out of control.</DIV>
<DIV>It is hard for most of us as codependents to understand that we =
have the=20
problem. Another example how being codependent becomes =
"unmanageable."=20
I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm mean to the kids, my feelings are out of=20
control.</DIV>
<DIV>The first step is breaking through my denial.</DIV>
<DIV>I'm powerless and I'm sick. I'm done with denial!</DIV>
<DIV>The second step is getting the garbage out. This is an action step! =
Thinking about garbage and simply recognizing it is not the solution. If =
I see=20
garbage in a trash can and sit around thinking about it, the garbage is =
still in=20
the trash can.</DIV>
<DIV>Taking the trash out, means taking the trash out! It means taking =
out each=20
secret and exposing it to air. Nasty rotting things in a garbage can, =
when=20
exposed to air, will quit rotting, dry up, and eventually disintegrate, =
The=20
fresh air is the spirituality in Nar-Anon/Al-Anon. I take out my secret =
or=20
painful event and put it on the table. This is Nar-Anon/Al-Anon or =
family=20
therapy. If I leave the secret or shame inside, it stays inside. If I =
put it on=20
the table, it is not inside of me anymore and the healing environment of =
Nar-Anon/Al-Anon and others can help heal it. When I get my garbage out, =
fresh=20
air can rush in and rejuvenate my joy, love, and creativity.</DIV>
<DIV>Codependency is like having a festering wound on your arm. It is =
not going=20
away. You don't know how to fix it so you put a bandage on top of it. =
This is=20
what we were taught in dysfunctional families. Cover it up.</DIV>
<DIV>The wound gets worse and worse. It gets really gross and filled =
with pus=20
and we keep the bandages on. The wound is our internal wound, the =
bandage is our=20
denial and way to protect our wound.</DIV>
<DIV>The therapist or doctor tells us that the only way to clean the =
wound is to=20
take the bandage off, clean out the pus which is painful, and expose the =
wound=20
to air or Nar-Anon/Al-Anon.</DIV>
<DIV>We have two choices. We can do nothing, leave the bandage on, and =
lose the=20
arm.</DIV>
<DIV>We can clean out the cut, let fresh blood come to the surface and =
expose it=20
to air.</DIV>
<DIV>Both the addict and the codependent are the same at a feeling level =
and=20
with defenses. Both stand behind walls with their shame, anger, fear, =
and pain.=20
To heal relationships the walls need to be taken down, brick by brick. =
Since=20
each person created their wall, each person needs to take down their =
wall.</DIV>
<DIV>When the wall or denial comes down, our feelings and our =
vulnerability are=20
exposed. This is the work of therapy and 12 Step meetings. Being real =
and honest=20
about our vulnerability and feelings so we can transform them.</DIV>
<DIV>If only one, say, the addict, does this and does the work what will =
the=20
relationship look like? All parties need to work on their own program. =
If I only=20
talk about my shame, what is left in the relationship? My anger, fear, =
and pain=20
are still present, alive and festering.</DIV>
<DIV>We each need to understand that to recover, we each need to take =
the walls=20
down and work of our own feelings. To recover, we will need to begin to =
make=20
decisions about being willing to do our own work, work our own =
program.</DIV>
<DIV>Will you start looking at your denial, bring it to a group and talk =
about=20
it? Will you take out the garbage? Will you start going to=20
Nar-Anon/Al-Anon/Coda/ACOA or be part of the problem?</DIV>
<DIV>Welcome to the beginning of emotional sobriety!!!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV></DIV>
<DIV><BR>-- <BR>Danny Lewis White, Sr. (<A=20
href=3D"mailto:Thebio...@msn.com">Thebio...@msn.com</A>)<BR>Advisor=
y Council=20
ADSBCC<BR>Credentialled Chemical Dependency and Co-dependency Counselor, =
Registered<BR>Candidate </DIV>
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BEGIN:VCARD
N:White, Sr.;Danny;Lewis
FN:Danny Lewis White, Sr.
ORG:Community Assessment Foundation;Evening-IOP & RTP-Men
TITLE:Chemical Dependency Counselor and Family Therapist
TEL;WORK;VOICE:(216)441-0200
TEL;HOME;VOICE:(216)321-4904
TEL;CELL;VOICE:(216)806-3779
TEL;PAGER;VOICE:(216)806-3779
TEL;WORK;FAX:(216)441-3176
TEL;HOME;FAX:(216)321-4567
ADR;WORK;ENCODING=3DQUOTED-PRINTABLE:;;5163 Broadway =
Avenue=3D0D=3D0ASaint Michael's Hospital Medical Center=3D0D=3D0ASch=3D
ool of Nursing Building;Cleveland;Ohio;44127;USA
LABEL;WORK;ENCODING=3DQUOTED-PRINTABLE:5163 Broadway =
Avenue=3D0D=3D0ASaint Michael's Hospital Medical =
Center=3D0D=3D0ASchoo=3D
l of Nursing Building=3D0D=3D0ACleveland, Ohio 44127=3D0D=3D0AUSA
ADR;HOME;ENCODING=3DQUOTED-PRINTABLE:;;Apartment Number =
Two=3D0D=3D0A2660 Mayfield Road=3D0D=3D0A;Cleveland Heights;Ohio;=3D
44106-2514;USA
LABEL;HOME;ENCODING=3DQUOTED-PRINTABLE:Apartment Number =
Two=3D0D=3D0A2660 Mayfield Road=3D0D=3D0A=3D0D=3D0ACleveland Heights, =
O=3D
hio 44106-2514=3D0D=3D0AUSA
EMAIL;PREF;INTERNET:Thebio...@msn.com
END:VCARD
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