Sex has always been a part of my life, at least since I was 11 years old,
and first learned to masturbate. Since that day, I have gone out of my way
to obtain pornography and objects of fantasy. I have stolen porn. I have
spent vast amounts of money on porn. When I think about all of the money I
have spent on video booths in bookstores, and magazines, and videos, and
strip booths, it makes me shocked and ashamed.
I don't tell anyone about my problems, as I am sure that they would think m
e a freak and an outcast.
It started as the normal stuff. Looking at the playboys under my brother's
matress, you know. But in the last ten years, it has gotten worse...much
worse. First I began buying "Over 50" and mags like that. Then I began
having rape fantasies. Now it is much worse. I am looking at Kiddie porn.
I don't have any in my house, but anyone who has surfed the net with sex in
mind knows how easy it is to obtain over the net.
It's not that I have never had sex either. At last count I have had at
least 52 women that I know of, and I am only 31!
I'm scared. It's like a monster inside that I can't control anymore. I'm
not going to rape anyone or anything like that, but it is all I think about
anymore. I try to use alittle self control, but it never works. Every
morning I get up determined to never log into newsgroups again, but after
work, there I am, sitting in front of my computer, jacking off to pics that
should make me vomit.
When I look at these pics, and read how these vermin try to justfy what they
do, it does sicken me, but I seem to block out that I am doing the exact
thing they do. I can't take it anymore.
I have an SKS rifle here, and I think I may put the barrel in my mouth and
pull the trigger. It would make life so much easier.
Welcome to our group. You are in the right place. I can feel your hurt -- and
it's real bad. But you need to know a couple of things:
1. most importantly you are a good person
2. your life is worth living
3. you are definately NOT ALONE. No matter how different you feel, there are
dozens, perhaps, hundreds of people who have done the same things as you and
think the same things as you. I personally know many people here in Houston
who have major problems with child porn. One person actually brought his PC in
for repair and when they found child porn pictures on his hard disk, the FBI
was called and he was arrested.
4. I tried literally hundreds of times to stop on my own during a 32 year
period and was never successful. You and I need help -- there is no way to do
You are about to embark on the beginning of a wonderful journey to return
yourself back to a healthy life -- a life without the depressing things that
have made you want to end it all.
You have the capacity to get your life back to equality -- to rebalance things.
And you have made the most important step -- you have reached out for help.
You have finally realized that you can't do it yourself -- your best thinking,
your best actions got you to where you are today. So with the assistence of
others who are just like you, you can turn your life around.
Your not strange, a pevert or a freak -- Anymore than I or any other person
with a sexual compulsive problem is. We are all in the same boat. The only
way to stay afloat is to help each other. By my typing this post to you, I am
helping you and myself as well.
I do not know you but I can feel your hurt. I know what you feel even though I
never got to the point where I wanted to end it, I was in a very hopeless
situation just like you. I resigned myself to just keeping up my own
compulsive activities knowing eventually I would get caught, get in trouble,
perhaps get arrested and probably lose it all -- my wife, my family, my
community, my job -- perhaps be in jail. I felt hopeless to change things. I
was just floating downstream without an oar.
So the way to get your life back in order to let someone or many people do it
for you. We all want to help you. Its OK to accept our help.
So now what? Keep your momentum going. You have many problems and issues and
that will require many things being addressed simultaneously. First and
foremost, you need professional therapy -- preferably a psychiatrist who has
specialized in treating sex addicts. You'll probably need some medicine
initially to help you over the hump of wanting yo hurt yourself. But don't
stop there. Get into a group of other sex addicts (in addition to this group)
who you can feel comfortable sharing with and being open with. Do it daily or
more often if possible. There are many different types of groups -- from 12
steps, to smart recovery, to rational recovery, etc. Find something quickly
and go with it for at least 90 days without changing.
Find some sex addicts locally who will share their phone numbers with you and
call them as much as is practical initially to help you over the rough spots --
especially at the beginning. You will go through a situation very similar to
the 'withdrawal' an alcoholic / drug addicts goes through. For me, the hardest
part lasted about 4 months -- the time will vary. During your time, you will
want want you were doing really bad and you'll try to convince all the people
whom you hold yourself accountable to, to allow you to have some of it back. I
know -- I did that myself.
Also do some reading -- try starting with Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes.
You can get better and get your life back in order but it has to be your #1
prority. There is no such thing as a partial effort -- nothing else can be
important to getting better. You have to want to get better as bad as you
wanted to do your behaviors.
And please remember that you need to work on getting better constantly -- every
day. There is no such thing as staying put -- if you are not going forward you
are going backward.
Read in this newsgroup as much as you can and post whenever you feel you need
I hope to hear from you soon again.
Good luck -- you will survive... there IS hope.
I'm pretty new to this too...
Well,...folks maybe talking at you alot...will try to talk to you.
you are not alone, and there is hope and recovery. You can learn how to love.
Went to bed with over 100 women in less than 3 months at one point, ...becasue
of the inner pain. Thought about jumpng off the bridge, or the gun thing.
After thinking about it, tho, it seemed I could face that, but not face telling
my story to another human being...I realized there were options, I just was
afraid of them...I felt evil, ashamed, hopeless, and in constant agony,
Got some counsuling and encouragement and went to a group. It was such a relief,
I cried and told them about how evil I was, and they helped me understand things
a little better, and now that agonizing pain, which I thought was real and
central, has evaperated. Lots yet to do, and amends to make, but my life is no
longer focued around getting laid, and theres beginning to be an inner peace and
There is lots of easy ways to find a local group; phone book under SLAA, SAA,
SA, SCA, et al; The members here can send you phone numbers and contact data,
and there are listing onthe net as well.
Hope all this helps,
'I cried that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.'
"I do not understand what I do, for I don't do what I would like to do, but
instead I do what I hate."
"I know that good does not live in me - that is , in my human nature. for
even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it. i don't
do the good I want to do, instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do.
If I do what I don't want to do, this means that I am no longer the one who
does it, instead, it is the sin that lives in me.
"So I find that this law is at work: when I want to do what is good, what is
evil is the only choice I have. My inner being delights in the law of God.
But I see a different law at work in my body - a law that fights against
the law which my mind approves of. It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin
which is at work in my body. What an unhappy man I am! Who will rescue me
from this body that is taking me to death?" Romans 7
Sounds familure doesn't it?
I really don't know what advise or help to give you, but I am sure that the
answer can be found in the above mentioned words.
You aren't alone in your battle and you cannot win it by yourself.
Your inner self doesn't want to continue in the life you are leading,
doesn't that inner voice count for more that the actions of your body, there
is good in you. Don't give in to your Demons.
I heard your cry for help and I feel your pain. I know that I have been in
the depths of despair over my addiction. I have considered ending it all on
several occasions. But, one day I realized through this newsgroup that I am
not alone in my addiction. There are many others who share a similar fate.
I also came to understand that there were steps I could take that would help
me move away from and out of the addiction.
At one point I wondered if my marriage was going to last. But, it has and
is stronger than ever. So, my experience is that hope can come from the
deep despair you find yourself in now. But, this hope can only come if you
don't give up. I once heard a statement that goes something like this, "The
only real failure is one who gives up!" So, don't give up. You have
already taken a big step. Now take the next step. Seek recovery. Find out
what motivates you to be this way. Get into a recovery group.
Ending it all is definitely not the answer. It doesn't seem so now, but
admitting the addiction and seeking help is a far better approach. You've
already taken the first step. Just keep walking.
"If I don't stop going backwards, I'll never go forwards!"