COMMENTS [213] on Hank Azaria on A.A & Matthew Perry in New York Times

[(David P.)]

COMMENTS [213]
Anonymous, USA, Nov. 9
The promises are real, and they shine through those of us in the rooms. Thank you sharing his light and yours.
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Robert L, RI, Nov. 9
“It’s something, isn’t it? God is a bunch of drunks together in a room.”
and that's the miracle
people with a problem come together
to share their experience strength and hope
and one day at a time
their problem is lifted
it doesn't make any sense, but it doesn't have to...
a beautiful article, Thank you Mr. Hank Azaria
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Cathy, east coast, Nov. 9
Some of the comments here make AA sound like a cult...Studies show that AA doesn't work for many people and is certainly not the only or even the best way to get sober. And while I understand the need for privacy regarding peoples identities, I feel the secrecy ads to a sense of shame about addiction.
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Yummy, San Francisco, Nov. 9
Being funny is well, fun. It's great to be able to find the humor in everyday situations, or light in the darkness. But I'm not sure making loud bathroom noises is hilarious. I'm not sure being the class clown is really humor or simply a way to mask yourself, even from yourself, your own demons. Maybe if he took life a bit more seriously he could have gotten closer to those pesky demons and slayed a few more of them. I get the need to laugh, there is nothing better when something is actually funny. Otherwise it's just something else to hide behind.
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kathy, nj, Nov. 9
Thank you so much for this. Though I never met him, I miss him too
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De, Canada, Nov. 9
Without something solid to base oneself off of, life goes on like the crazy meanderings that price takes on trying to get "as close to" the value that it is trying so hard to do justice to in a process called "pricing-in", undertaken by the clueless trying to get the better of other clueless & each trying to get the better of the other, which is ridiculous & hilarious at the same time if it were not exactly what was happening day after day with all the seriousness that goes behind it.

Bases get built up & crumble with predictable regularity but none holds meaning much further much as a tipsy person makes his way through a dark narrow alleyway.

What is lacking in all of these & necessarily so in the matter of Markets but does not have to be in real life is the matter of spirituality, something greater than oneself or a bunch of people who may band together motivated by a certain goal beyond being useful as some kind of a community prop.

Of course it involves being receptive to ideas & thoughts that may not be imminently provable such as a "show me" challenge. Air without which no one can survive - at least until Elon Musk evolves to live on Mars - beyond minutes is unseeable by the human eye.
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Todd, Chicago, Nov. 9
Sincere thanks for your well-articulated thoughts, Mr. Azaria. Why didn't I think of this earlier, LOL? Yes to laughter!
Kind regards,
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G Williams, Hong Kong, Nov. 9
thanks for the great read, funny man
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Tim Lynch, Philadelphia, Nov. 9
O.D.A.T. Being an atheist Friend of Bill's, Mr.Perry gave Mr. Azaria the best advice. Whatever it took to get,and stay sober was the purpose for the individual , not to get sidetracked of by the "proper" higher power debate club. A fellow once said a radiator could be a higher power if that worked,and it could be named George!
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Cynthia, Seattle, Nov. 9
I am a recovering alcoholic with 11 years of continuous sobriety. I read the People magazine article published shortly before his death that he did to promote the book. All I thought was, “he’s not sober, and he’s never going to get sober.” It came through in every thing he said. Anyone who has a permanent colostomy bag because he rotted out his intestines with drink and drugs, and *continues to drink* after the operation, does not want to get sober. It also explains why he treated the women he dated so badly. Addicts and alcoholics are, in the end, selfish people. It’s ironic to note that Matthew Perry’s fame and fortune are what killed him. His money allowed him to never hit rock bottom. He was never homeless, never out on the street, and never reached what we in the program call “the gift of desperation.” He had the money to drink and drug himself endlessly until it killed him.
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Howard G, New York, Nov. 9
After writing down ny 4th-Step "Searching and Fealess Moral Inventory" - I sat with my sponsor to take my 5th Step of "Admitting to God, Myself and Another Human Bring, the Exact Nature of Our (My) Wrongs" -

As I read the list - I reached that one horrible, embarrassing and shameful detail which I was sure I'f never tell a soul - taking it to my grave -

As my sponsor urged me to just spit it out - against all my alcoholic shame - I revealed my horrible secret -

My sponsor looked at me quizzically and replies - "Is that it ?!? - I've done that a few times myself" - And with a wave of his hand said - "What's next ?" --

The shame was broken and - thirty years later - I honestly cannot remember what it was all about -

For a few years - I attended an A.A. meeting here in NYC which was popular with many people in the entertainment industry - some counting their first thirty days - and shared an hour each day with them as we all tried to help each other stay sober and work our recovery -

Also -

Among the bits of wisdom I learned in the rooms regarding making friends in A.A. - one stands out -

"If you like everyone you know in A.A. - it means you're not going to enough meetings" --

I was never a fan of "Friends" - but after reading Hank Azaria's remembrance - I'm sure I would have loved to sit with Matthew Perry in a meeting -

I'm grateful that he leaves behind a legacy of hard-fought sobriety to inspire others...
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Rambo, Westchester, Nov. 9
On a somewhat different note from the other Comments: This was very well-written. It's compelling. Instructive. Supportive towards those readers who might need AA help of their own. To Mr. Azaria the writer I say: "Could you BE any more poignant?
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anon, massachusetts, Nov. 9
I'm sorry people in AA don't understand anonymity. It's not up to you, you're part of something bigger and AA can have no name or personality. It may help one person and ruin chances for another. The only representation of AA is its literature. Those who mistakenly think it's their choice and about stigma should read the Traditions and learn what they really mean and why. NY Times should know better too, as AA asks the media to respect anonymity. C'mon.
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Beyond Karma, Miami, Nov. 9
Thank you. Bunch of drunks translates to group of drunks, or, if you will, Group Of Drunks. Also, those who have an issue with turning their life and their will over to a power greater than themselves almost never had an issue with turning their life and will over to drugs and alcohol. This writer truly appreciates the life AA has given him for 37 years.
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Justlikechicken, Charleston SC, Nov. 9
Wonderful! Strong message Hank Azaria. Thanks for sharing “how it works.”
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Anony, US, Nov. 9
What does this mean: “…while there will only ever be one of the real thing for me…”? It reads like “but don’t forget, I knew the real guy.” If a person in the rooms can find their Matthew Perry, then theoretically Hank can go into a room and find another Matthew Perry. I get it—he’s irreplaceable. And his Matthew Perry will be someone else’s Edna Miller. This just read weird, a disjointed part of one of the best tributes I’ve read.
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spike gillespie, austin tx, Nov. 9
For anyone reading who wants to get sober but fears AA, please know there are other options. I had an absolutely nightmare time in AA, regularly experienced misogyny, verbal attacks, and so much heat for being clear about my non theism. In short, I was bullied on the regular. A guy in my home group literally tried to get me kicked out for refusing to say the word God (this at a “hip” Austin group). I know from my experience and the experience of other’s that the fact that AA is so god-heavy is a major deterrent. Some of us were abused by religion (and in my case, molested by a priest). This abuse definitely contributed to my drinking problem. Being in a room full of people blathering on about some make believe Sky Daddy caused me much harm. I’m still sober though, sobriety I achieved with the help of therapy and mediation eighteen years before I set foot in “the rooms.” AA holds the position that theirs is the only program that works. Nonsense. And dangerous to boot—leaving some to think if they can’t fit in at AA they are doomed. Nope. There really are options, as noted. You CAN get sober. Your life will improve vastly. If AA isn’t right for you, you are not doomed.
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Amber, Fort Worth TX, Nov. 9
AA is a better church than most churches.
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Sharon Charles Haznedar, New York, Nov. 9
This is beautiful. Enough said.
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Louis, Cleveland, Nov. 9
Thanks Hank - well said.
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Cert, Central California, Nov. 9
I miss you Mr. Azaria. Please return to TV or what ever media you might.

It's funny because you and Mr. Perry were raised in a generation that wasn't alcohol oriented. The fifties and the sixties were the decades of alcohol abuse. AA started sometime in the very early 70s, from my geo-cultural vantage.

Because both you and Mr. Perry performed in tv, I will have you know that early TV - Andy of Mayberry, Jackie Gleason, to the Sunny Fox show in New York, or the weather man, Tex Antoine, all had gigs, skits, with drunks. The drunk character was laughed at but it wasn't a laughing matter to be drunk. But the drunks depicted in TV shows, were tolerated. Otis, the town drunk, knew how to self arrest and detain and lockup. Red skelton was an annoying bar customer. The hosts of kid shows came on drunk and they made jokes about it, and the men in the camera rooms laughed with him. Tex Antoine came on drunk to the weather set for the local NY news. The fact that he was "smashed" was supposed to be entertaining. Now, weather is a life and death matter. No drunks allowed.

The only comedian who made an ongoing show of her struggle (while on probation) with alcohol abuse was Chelsea Handler. And she was hilarious and very entralling - pulled one into thinking about alcoholism.
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Kevin S., Salisbury, Nov. 9
Group Of Drunks//Good Orderly Direction//Great OutDoors
Thank you for highlighting the Fellowship and what Matthew Perry did for your sobriety. Gotta give it away to keep it!
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jd wolfe, st louis MO, Nov. 9
nobody comes into any 12 Step program on a winning streak and almost nobody succeeds at sobriety on the first go round. i've been in al-anon since 1995 or so because of the drinking and drugging of family members. i know full well about the God being in a room full of drunks as many of those drunks also attend al-anon. they get to al-anon only after they realize all the relationships they've lost. whatever 12 Step program it is, they work the same - and, while they are not the solution for everyone - there's a reason there are so many meetings, in every city, every state, and most countries around the world. Matt Perry is a good ambassador for a program that doesn't advertise but, rather, acquires new members like Azaria by attraction. God is in those rooms even when if never actually mentioned - which is quite possible. that's up to the discretion of each group. there are no AA/Al-anon/Alateen 'police'. really.
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Brian, Toronto, Nov. 9
Hank Azaria is a very very funny man as well. Thanks.H.
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Dennis, Molina, Nov. 9
Beautiful piece
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Kathryn, NY NY, Nov. 9
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go to all those darn meetings.

Glad you got sober, Hank. It’s good to know you had Matthew and you also had determination, grit and, most of all, humor. Some of the best laughs I ever had in my life were in AA meetings. We HAVE to laugh at ourselves and all the dumb, destructive things we did during our drinking years. Otherwise, it gets to be about embarrassment, despair and shame.

This coming April, I’ll have 49 years. In my early sobriety, there was this grungy bar near a Greyhound Bus Terminal. It was called, “Terminal Liquors.” Had I kept drinking, I doubt I’d even be sitting on a barstool there today. I think I’d be long gone. I remember that bar every so often and feel such gratitude for my life without alcohol. The meetings and those people in them were instrumental in my recovery.

Thank you for sharing about your precious friend. You have followed his example by writing this piece. He’d feel so happy and proud about that.
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MPG, Chicago, Nov. 9
Best opinion piece I've read here in decades
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elizaf, New York, Nov. 9
Aaaaaaand... "made amends to all people we have harmed"?? Funny how that so often gets overlooked as long as he is "getting the help he needs." I refer you to the song by Iris DeMent: "God May Forgive You, But I Don't"
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Blue NC, US, Nov. 9
I'm sad that someone has passed on, but the number of articles and op-eds dedicated to this person mystifies me. There is a lot going on in the world right now that will impact us dramatically.
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Kelly Grace Smith, fayetteville NY, Nov. 9
Godspeed Matthew Perry
White hot,
it moves frenetically about the room.

Steam rolls off it - dark, vaporous
sheets of wrath.

Haunting, hunting, circling, round and round;
I watch it stalk the prey.

It seethes, fumes, foams
at the mouth.

Your friend, whom you keep so close to you, so very
close to you; by your side
at all times.

Ever present, but never acknowledged;
your cruel, constant companion.

You treat him with courtesy, even deference;
you consult him on all matters.

And I wonder,
why?

There are no introductions; he is aloof, elusive, wary.
His fury vibrates right behind
his eyes.

It is as though he is an insidious part of you;
his energy wound round you like a tangled, taut web
of wire.

He hovers and threatens and snarls
like a sadistic guard dog.

And then, I see it.

It is you
who are guarding him.

You make certain no one gets too close; never close enough
to touch him.

You cater to his every need, every appetite, like an indentured servant;
a frenzied, frantic, manic, slave.

Indeed, it is you who are protecting him;
guarding him,
guarding him with your life.

Giving him
your life.

Your friend, your guard dog;
your cruel, constant, ever present companion.

Your
addiction.

White Hot, Kelly Grace Smith
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Dave, NJ, Nov. 9
I love Hank Azaria and he just made me love Matthew Perry.
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Scott S., Chicago, Nov. 9
This piece is an amazing tribute to an individual who has done so much for those suffering from the pain of addiction, and beautifully captures what A.A. Is about and how hearing the stories of courage, strength, and hope within that fellowship are so empowering. Despite being from diverse backgrounds, with divergent skills, abilities, wealth, and problems, all addicts share a commonality due to this disease, irrespective of the specific allergy caused by the substance of their choice. Ultimately, it is that identification with others that is, perhaps, one of the most important steps to recovery as denoted here. It certainly was true for me, and Mr. Perry helped to achieve that in my case simply by having the strength to share his story. Three years ago I was watching an interview he did on BBC with a journalist whose positions on alcohol addiction could best be described as misinformed. Hearing Mr. Perry argue with him about topics ranging from how addicts cannot stop themselves, and his own experiences with drinking, provided the first true realization that I was an alcoholic. I have had to do much work since then to reach my current point of sobriety, with a fair share of relapses along the way demarking even lower points than I had previously reached, but I would not be where I am today had he not helped me finally diagnose, and truly start to face, the problem. Thank you Mr. Azaria for your words. They too will bring strength and hope to countless others.
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R. Cooper, Santa Monica CA, Nov. 9
Beautiful.
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Anne, New Mexico, Nov. 9
Frank could have easily written a warm tribute to his friend without breaking the important tradition of anonymity Just talk about your experience...don't mention AA. It is extremely important. Alcohol and drug addiction kill millions of people. You thought it was more useful to ignore years of experience. You thought a feel good yuck it up version of meetings and what they are about is worth sacrificing the wisdom of AA traditions? In your arrogance and complete lack of humility you may have negatively influenced someone in dire need of recovery. It was not your decision to make.
1 REPLY
Cynthia, Seattle, Nov. 9
@Anne Perry Sorry to pierce your righteous indignation, but Matthew Perry had already spoken publicly about being in A.A.
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maryp, Wayne PA, Nov. 9
Thank you for writing this.
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HOUDINI, New York, Nov. 9
I got through half and had to spew. Originally, I thought, "Another Matthew Perry article?" It's not about fame, it is that I missed Friends entirely (yet, I knew who he was).

So, Mr. A—you come clean eloquently, and I have a tear in my eye. I'm the son of two alcoholics — but I am not.

You repeat a joke I like, "One bully tells the victim, 'hey--we got like 52 guys, so there.'"

The "victim" (really a real life hero) offers in response, "Doesn't seem like much of a fair fight. You better go get 52 more guys."

In solidarity we meet the devils that plague us. That alone feeling—oh, yeah. Grazi, grande grazi.
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Left Coast, CA, Nov. 9
Anyone famous waxing poetic about Perry going to address his bizarre comment in his memoir about how he wish Kenau had died instead of River Phoenix?
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Drum Roll, West Virginia, Nov. 9
Great tribute to Matt and all the alchoholics and addicts of the world.

I have been sober since 2006.

AA broke the denial spell for me too.

I went to individual counseling for my drinking. My therapist kept telling me I should go to an AA mtg. I kept saying AA is for alcoholics! I finally went to one and it saved me because I admitted to a room full of people I was a drunk. After that moment I was on the road to recovery.

I was also not alone anymore.
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David, Wilton CT, Nov. 9
It's not a "bunch of drunks in a room"... the phrase is "Gathering Of Drunks" (G.O.D). You find strength and support from GOD - however you define "GOD"
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Duffster, Boston, Nov. 9
"Every time — and I do mean every time — we went to a McDonald’s drive-through, he would ask the person on the other side of the speaker, “Do you know what Grimace is?” After getting a “no,” he would offer, “I think it’s a purple shake that has no cup.”

Nice article. However, as someone who worked drive-thru back in the day, this type of nonsense isn't remotely funny. It's just being a jerk at the expense of someone who has to work for minimum wage. Don't do this...
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Dave, US, Nov. 9
Exactly how many people has Perry saved from alcoholism? Can you name three?
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Claudia, Brooklyn, Nov. 9
There is a Matthew Perry article everyday now.
No positive and accurate articles on Palestinians, or pro-Palestinian protestors.
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Mike M., Nashville, Nov. 9
If i get on TV or in the NYT and spout off that I'm sober in AA and then come down drunk and maybe have my mug shot in the paper , what does that say to the person looking for help.
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Robert Piazza, Litchfield CT, Nov. 9
Doesn't AA stand for Alcoholics ANONYMOUS? Why is Hank Azaria publicly breaking his anonymity at the level of press? Bill W, the co-founder of AA, explicitly wrote the tradition of anonymity to make AA a safe place for anyone who wants to get sober --even if they're not rich, cool, and famous... even if they can't afford a fancy treatment center or luxury rehab. Celebrities such as Hank Azaria should NOT break their anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Part of the tradition of anonymity is the spiritual principle of humility or ego-deflation. Hank Azaria is not a spokesperson for AA, an organization that has no leaders and avoids public controversy. The NYTimes should know better than to publish a piece like this, and Mr. Azaria should perhaps follow the traditions of the very ANONYMOUS program he claims to espouse. The traditions of AA are there for a reason, partly to protect from big-shot-ism amongst its alcoholic members.
2 REPLIES
Drum Roll, West Virginia, Nov. 9
@Robert Piazza: I disagree... I'm a recovered alcoholic since 2006. AA saved me.
Seeing very successful people admit they were in AA really takes the stigma out of it.
Anything that helps people get themselves into their first AA mtg is beneficial.
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Cynthia, Seattle, Nov. 9
@Robert Piazza Perry was open about being in AA long before this was written.
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Slim Harpo, Brooklyn, Nov. 9
More addicts and alcoholics , clean and sober or active , die from cigarettes and not their substance of choice . I have a feeling that Perry expired from a heart attack due to his cigarette addiction . I’ve been an AA affiocicondo for 38 years and I’d estimate 8-9 out of 10 of the AA people I knew who died the cause was smoking or the results of smoking even after quitting . We , me included , lead the COPD league . I only smoked till 1982 and still estimate smoking 175,000 cigarettes close to a million inhalations .
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Humongous, The Wasteland, Nov. 9
I'm surprised The Times published this essay. What good can come of its author disregarding AA's written tradition of members maintaining anonymity in the press, for what appears the purpose of championing the decisive opinion held by many members that the god of sobriety is a room full of abstinent atheists? Among this, and other, personality-over-principal opinions, the idea that the duo came to understand the exact nature of their wrongs, or even understood what that means, should raise eyebrows. This is sentimentality. We attended some of the same meetings.
1 REPLY
Lyla, CA, Nov. 9
@Humongous if that's what you got out of this heartfelt tribute, I hope you get outside and try to reconnect with your ability to appreciate sincerity and love.
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Mark, Pa, Nov. 9
Thanks Hank for this lovely essay.
This piece was written moving and possibly helpful in directing other suffering alcoholics to seek the help that is readily available in AA. I also understand the concerns about Hank’s breach of anonymity. Anonymity is primarily invoked to keep one’s ego in check - Bill W said he didn’t want to be the “most famous drink in America”, and declined an honorary doctorate from Yale to avoid making his name public. It’s not coincidental that AA is the only recovery fellowship (out of many predating it) to survive the death of its founders. From this perspective, Hank may save some people by this piece, but he threatens his own sobriety through a breach of humility. Careful there, Hank.
Craig Ferguson found a nice way to finesse this issue. He gave a wonderful talk on his recovery (“Craig talks from the heart” on YouTube), never referring to AA. But at the end he mentioned that help was available: “it’s very near the front of the phone book”.
God bless us all.
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joe the cook, Branchville Pa., Nov. 9
It takes a village to fight the addiction bully. Being brave is a step-by-step realization that YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE having a flaw. Every day in every way try to get better. I do.
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Wendell Murray, Kennett Square PA, Nov. 9
I attended two AA meeting with a neighbor who has attended the meetings for 50 years. I am not an alcoholic. However I was interested in how the AA meetings work, what is said and so on.

I was and am extraordinarily impressed by the organization, by how meetings are conducted, by the great value, as Mr. Azaria notes, of those who suffer alcoholism gain necessary support from their fellow attendees.

"I believe in the power of people being honest about how they’re struggling, connecting with each other and in loving each other.”

Not a belief, a fact.

"He meant that as bad as we feel, as low as we go, we tend to feel we’re alone in it, whether our problem is alcoholism, a bad marriage, illness, depression, strife."

Also a fact. All these maladies are very difficult, if not impossible, for one person to deal with on his or her own.

"Group therapy", along the lines of AA meetings can be miraculous in at least assuaging most effects of these maladies, if not necessarily providing a "cure".

We are obviously all human. We are all the same.We have the same experiences and perceptions. As such, we all need moral support from our human brethren, best expressed through the recounting of common experiences within a group setting.
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LincolnTurnbull, Atlanta, Nov. 9
Hank, if you’re reading these comments, that was an incredible tribute. You really honored the man with this. I know all his family and friends will be very touched. Thanks for writing these words.
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Jetti, America, Nov. 9
Thank you to the author and great actor, thank you for being open and expressing your thoughts. We have had many natural stimulants and depressants to help our too conscious minds deal with the all too true nature of our reality for some time. Now we have more supply of those many fall down the rabbit hole, because reality is pretty stark. The love of and for other humans (and other life forms) is another option and AA seems to be able to open that door again. An example of how the higher intelligence of humans can be loving, healing, life-changing. Augh, to the people upset about anonymity - we really do not expect perfection. It is a choice about how to think and behave every day - for every adult - but everyone has some really bad days or years that throw them off. We know Hank is human too and that life is complex. We wish him the best and thank him for telling about his friend. We did not see Matthew Perry in the media much - sounds like he was just living and being a real person with other people. That world away from the camera and social media is there for all of us.
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Jenny, A, Nov. 9
I read Perry’s book and I think it’s intellectually honest to say he was complicated. He was kind and good at his craft, and he was also very impressed with his own ability. He thought of himself as kind of a genius, very special. And he was pretty awful to just about every woman he was romantically involved with. Addiction makes people difficult and I don’t think it’s honest to describe his life and legacy as all roses, because that’s not honest. He was complicated and brought joy and pain to the people in his orbit.
4 REPLIES
Arin, Florida, Nov. 9
@Jenny I read it too and I think your assessment is very accurate. I appreciated his honesty and willingness to put himself out there, and I think it is great he wanted to help people in recovery, but he also came across as very self-absorbed, romantically callous, and unforgiving at times. Part of me feels terrible for him that he had such a dark hole in his soul that he made the choices he made and ruined what could have been a glorious life, but an equal part of me feels terrible for his family and friends, who no doubt suffered tremendously over the years.
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Alex Rubin, Farmington ME, Nov. 9
@Arin: Didn't read his book. Lived aspects of his life. When you have a dark hole in your sole, you have to be all the things you object to in of order to survive. The choices you make are based on your reality. Be thankful that your brain has never has mislead you thus.
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Gary, New Mexico, Nov. 9
The Grimace joke reinforces the dark side you mention. It’s not funny. It makes of the poor kid working at McDonald’s the butt of the joke: he doesn’t have a clue what Perry meant; Perry was making fun of him by making a joke at his expense. There’s a self-centeredness at the core, and a casual cruelty toward the other person. Perry may have been a rock for Azaria, but clearly he could be thoughtless toward others, for the sake of a joke.
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Jersey Girl, Havertown, Nov. 9
@Jenny Many, many creative people seem to have this issue. Look at the great artists and writers. Van Gogh was straight up insane. Gaugin abandoned his wife and kids, Degas was mentally ill. Hemingway was horrible to everyone around him. I can’t think of a single brilliant artist or writer who didn’t have issues. It might be that the two just go together.
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riled, Massachusetts, Nov. 9
Mr. Azaria, thank you for sharing your touching remembrance of Mr. Perry. Please accept my sincere condolences for the terrible loss of your friend. I never knew him, but it hurts to know he was better at helping others than he was at helping himself.
1 REPLY
SouthShore, Boston, Nov. 9
I echo @Riled's sentiments. Thank you, Hank Azaria, for your wise and touching tribute to Matthew Perry. May you find peace in the memories of your deep and rich friendship.
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JoeG, Houston, Nov. 9
I'm a fan of the Grateful Dead, and once in a while I get to see interviews with Jerry Garcia. There was a difference between the psychedelic Garcia and the cocaine snorting one. Did he figure heroin was cheaper than coke in his old age?

It's crazy how many celebrities die from their addictions. Like with everyone else it isn't just the drugs and booze. It covers the spectrum.

There are so many of us who don't have control over it. Some of us settle on one thing that gives us the best high. Fentanyl seems to be the poorest choice today and it's cheap.

The social Darwinist amongst us say it will sort it's self out. Killing off a quarter of the population with their freedom of choice isn't a plan.

They say let it go. There should be rehab and treatment but that's a lie. There's also relapse and the craving every day.

The best we can do is discourage it. Don't lie about it like they did with tobacco. No it isn't as addicting as heroin. it's an entirely different animal. Teach kids the stepping stones to addiction and don't make it sound cool.

I look at Perry as such a lost cause. Did he have anything else besides his high. He chose alcohol and pain killers. There's many people like that should we cultivate their addictions from childhood? If we don't It might save some lives. maybe millions.

Can I ask? Who's selling these drugs? With all these high tech methods of cancelling everyone's civil right to privacy why no tracking and arrest of the bad guys?
6 REPLIES
Sheldaine, Toronto/London, Nov. 9
Of course there are arrests but another person takes their place on the street or wherever else they're selling these addicting substances.
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OklahomaOK, Seattle, Nov. 9
@JoeG Tobacco is more addicting than heroin, perhaps not as immediately harmful but harder to give up. I hadn't smoked in over 50 years when I found myself thinking "I could use a smoke". I even tried marijuana: it gave me a headache - it wasn't a patch on Capstan Full Strength which got outlawed in the UK because of it's nasty content.
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Jersey Girl, Havertown, Nov. 9
@JoeG: Perry never did heroin. He got his pills from doctors.
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Drum Roll, West Virginia, Nov. 9
@JoeG: I am a dead head too..... Your take on addiction is a little un sympathetic....
And a little demeaning. "I look at Perry as a lost cause" Ouch.
Many, many good people are addicts and highly functional! Many people who are addicts lead wonderful and productive lives too!
I should know, Sober since 2006 with no turning back.
Just because I was an alcoholic didn't mean I was a lost cause. It just meant I was an alcoholic.... I was also a good father and husband, a very good photographer, a good hang glider pilot, good at making a living, i was a good sailor, I was a caring person too.
Addictions sneak up on people. It is not like I decided I wanted to be a drunk.
Anyway, just know that anyone can find themselves to be an addict. You, me, Jerry Garcia, the girl at the office, someone's cute son or daughter.
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JoeG, Houston, Nov. 9
@Sheldaine: Not to mention the corruption? You can't approach a war with a defeatist attitude. It's hard when the government is colluding with criminals.
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Elaine Foxgord, Chilliwack BC, Canada, Nov. 9
@JoeG: In most cases, people don’t consciously “choose” harmful substances as “painkillers.”
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Robert L. Bergs, Sarasota, Nov. 9
The man had a successful life; entertaining millions and thousands get sober. Well done Matthew. Bravo!
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Craluce, Colorado, Nov. 9
I’m celebrating 21 years today, and reading that Matt spent so much time helping others reminds me what *really works in a seemingly-desperate situation: helping OTHERS to achieve sobriety— 24 hours at a time. Well-done.
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Andrew, New York, Nov. 9
The 12 steps of AA exist to protect the alcoholic from alcohol, its 12 traditions, of which anonymity is one, exist to protect AA from the alcoholic. The tradition of anonymity exists for very practical and purposeful reasons - to protect the alcoholic from self congratulatory aggrandizing of both their illness and recovery, and perhaps more importantly, to protect AA from any individual who, by their speaking publicly, makes themselves an unelected "spokesperson" for AA. Every alcoholic knows that all bets are off for tomorrow, today is all we are promised. What happens if, God forbid, the day comes and Mr. Azaria drinks again, what kind of message does that send to the wider world about AA? Mr Azaria's choice to break his anonymity is a willful breach of AA's bylaws and a worrisome action.
1 REPLY
printer, sf, Nov. 9
@Andrew: I came to say exactly this. God bless Matthew Perry and his sincere struggles with addiction, the pitiless condition that kills so many and favors no one. Not the brilliant, not the beautiful, not the famous. “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”
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A, Chicago, Nov. 9
I’m sure there will be a bunch of bleeding deacons clamoring in the comments here about traditions but there’s also a primary purpose alluded to in this piece, and that’s to help sick and suffering alcoholics find sobriety.
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While, yes, no anonymity exists here, this article might well plant the seed that the beauty of the program lies in not only understanding but also being understood by people who love, care for, and accept you exactly as you are.
1 REPLY
lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe MI, Nov. 9
@A: Thank you for your words. So many are dying. We need this message out in the world.
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Dave, Denver, Nov. 9
Hank, what a beautiful tribute to your friend. Thank you for sharing it.
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lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe MI, Nov. 9
Hank Azeria, thank you. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Speaking publicly about your successful recovery in A.A. does so much good.

My husband was almost dead from alcoholism and was told he was a hopeless case. He was only 26. The day he left treatment, he went to an A.A. meeting and never looked back. He now has decades of uninterrupted sobriety, has the very best friends in A.A., and stays active in his A.A. meetings, helping the newcomer. A.A. not only saved his life, A.A. gave me the best husband I could have ever imagined.
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sprouty, Vermont, Nov. 9
That was lovely. Thank you.
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Christina, NYC, Nov. 9
I am so very sorry for your loss. beautiful sentiments. Thank you.
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BIV, Miami, Nov. 9
Thank you for this beautiful tribute. I am sad that I only learned of M Perry’s kindness and generosity after his death. Why don’t we talk more about special people while they are still with us? Thank you again.
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George Gallop (expat Voter), Hants UK, Nov. 9
Having just returned home from my Thursday Night AA meeting I am laying in bed, reading this fine article by another recovering member of the AA community.
After decades of substance misuse starting in my very early teens and continuing through my thirties I am overwhelmed by gratitude for what the experience, strength of hopes of other alcoholics has brought me. Peace, connection, friendship, family, security, love and LAUGHTER.
Addiction brings with it, among many other horrors abject loneliness. ‘Loneliness and isolation such as few know’. It is only through finally sharing such grief honestly with others who can understand it that we can enter a new life. If Matt Perrys openness can help another suffering alcoholic find the way to a belief that works then he surely has honoured those who came before him. Thank you Hank and Matt and the multitude of wonderful friends in the recovery community for giving me a new outlook and appreciation for life.
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JDJ, Arlington VA, Nov. 9
What I find so remarkable about Mr. Perry's death is how completely prepared for it he was. I'm not saying he had a premonition about it (and it definitely wasn't suicide, since no one would knowingly spend two hours of one's last day on earth playing pickleball) but it did feel like he consciously dedicated his final years on earth meticulously completing his communications with his friends and the public so that, in case he did die, he could do so with regrets or baggage.

He was deeply talented, funny, and deeply loved. I know that by his own admission he hurt a lot of people, and I hope he cleared up his communication with them as well. I hope he died in a state of forgiveness and peace.
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Lee, Memphis, Nov. 9
I love that you gave the real Matthew Perry an identity in addition to his character on TV. From your beautiful description, I like the real Matthew Perry even better.
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Truth at Last, NJ, Nov. 9
Thank you for a heart-warming, sobering story. Just wanted to add, you were fantastic as Agadora Sparticus in The Birdcage!
2 REPLIES
lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe MI, Nov. 9
@Truth at Last His Agadora Sparticus is possibly my favorite charater of all films and all times.
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SouthShore, Boston, Nov. 9
@Truth at Last Agreed. Classic role.
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Zeno, Saskatoon, Nov. 9
Thank you Hank Azaria for this very uplifting piece. I am lucky to not have an addiction but I do have panic disorder. I also happen to be a professor of psychiatry--it's funny and not funny at the same time! When I am introuced before a talk, I am introduced by my job title. I would rather be introduced as a professor of the theory and experience of mental disorder. Such is the wave-particle duality of my human condition, as I suspect it is with everyone else.
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IrishRebel98, New York, Nov. 9
Recovering alcoholic here, sober going on 13 years. The moment I read this piece, I knew that there were going to be other AAs who were going to kvetch about Hank Azaria breaking his and Matthew Perry’s anonymity. That said, I think Mr. Azaria did far more good than harm, because this was one of the most beautiful descriptions of an AA friendship that I’ve ever read. It’s OK that he bent this particular tradition, because I can imagine many people struggling with alcohol who read this and now may be inspired to try AA given this warm description of the fellowship that you can find in the program.
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Jasper, Charlotte NC, Nov. 9
I love this wonderful tribute and I am grateful to AA -- SMART Recovery is another avenue to healing self-revelation, Thank you Hank Azaria,
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Alexandra Barnes Leh, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
Dear Hank...I’m a woman with 30 years, 6 months clean and sober, who chose from Day One not to be anonymous. I’d been hiding my usage (quite successfully, I might add) from the time I took my first drink (at 11), from the time I smoked my first joint (at 15), from the time I took my first pill (at 18), and from the time I snorted my first line of coke (at 20). I needed to be accountable—not only to my fellows in the program, but to my family, my friends, my colleagues. I know that is not everyone’s choice, and I understand why. I also don’t take the inventory of my 12-Step friends. I have always protected the anonymity of those in the program who chose it. I live in LA, and meetings here so often include well-known people…and I’ve so often been impressed by the courage of my better-known fellow alcoholics who choose to open their lives to the public, if only to inspire others. I have not crossed paths with you in the rooms, Hank, but I will be happy to shake your hand if and when I do…just as I would have done had I met Matthew, whose departure after all his years of struggle and success has touched me so deeply. He’d want us to keep coming back...and so we shall.
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Hannah Forsyth, Earth, Nov. 9
“It gave him a lot of compassion for other people. Tragically, I think he had a lot more compassion for me and for everybody else than he did for himself.”

I read his book last year when it first came out, and sadly I completely agree. It seemed Matthew had amazing insight but judged himself harshly, and that made me sad. As a fellow alcoholic, I was rooting for him hard and am completely devastated by his passing. I dearly wish he had his second act. Thank you Mr. Azaria for sharing your personal stories w us.
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Jeeb, Philadelphia, Nov. 9
Truly the most moving and beautiful tribute to Mr. Perry I have read. Matthew would be so happy.
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Elain, Michigan, Nov. 9
I absolutely love this opinion piece. I have been following the stories about Matthew Perry and I find his death truly heartbreaking, and I have never met the man. I watched Friends occasionally but don't consider myself a super fan. However, I always found "Chandler" adorable and hysterical and he made me laugh during times I really needed to laugh, during my own battle with alcohol addiction and anxiety. I plan to purchase Matthew Perry's book in the near future and I can't seem to pass up any articles relating to him. It's strange, but it's as if a family member or friends has died and I keep thinking I wish I could've somehow helped. That's probably ridiculous because I didn't know him but I feel like I know or understand at least some of the suffering he felt. He's been so transparent about his battles that I also do not think there is any problem with this opinion piece by Hank Azaria.

I just really wish we could have a Superman type event and go back and prevent Matthew Perry from dying. He was so young, only a year older than me, and so full of wisdom and empathy. I encourage people to continue open discussions about addictions, because, come on now, it's literally everywhere! I have nothing but love for this article, for the author, the actors and the entire fellowship. Fellowship is worth more than gold in my opinion!
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Charles, Usa, Nov. 9
Great article. Sober since 1995. I wish the author and others all the best on their sober journeys.
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Chris, Toronto, Nov. 9
Well done, Matthew, and Hank. The world needs more of you both.
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Tonhão, some cave, Nov. 9
we idolize figures that, in the end, contributed not that much to society. And I think Matthew, as an artist, knew that.
1 REPLY
Tom, Ontario, Nov. 9
@Tonhão: “An action need not alter the course of human events in order to be heroic.”
Leo Beuerman, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Beuerman
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Leslie T., Princeton, Nov. 9
One of the reasons, AA has worked all these years is its traditions. Apparently you have decided to pick and choose which ones you will follow and which you choose to cast aside. AA itself is at risk if each person decides to do that. I am sorry that you lost your friend and I am very glad that he has helped you as has AA. However, you agreed to follow the traditions when you accepted that help. Now, with this article, instead of helping someone, you might have turned someone away from AA by even your mention of God. After all, I am sure you have learned that we do not know who we affect, positively or negatively, in anything we do. Humility is one of the qualities that is stressed in AA; its part of how the design for living keeps people sober. Keep coming back; sometimes, it works.
7 REPLIES
Clear Thinker, East Coast, Nov. 9
@Leslie T.: And you might also be turning some away, just by you & others scolding Mr. Azaria for a beautiful essay.
12 step groups are not for everyone and if some are helped by adapting the program for their own needs, so be it.
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Charles, Usa, Nov. 9
@Leslie T. Reading the article to me suggests that tradition five and also attraction are served here. Also we don't have to agree to the traditions. They are guidelines for the groups. This is a wonderful tribute and not at all focused on a divine God idea. It is more agnostic really to me.
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George Gallop (expat Voter), Hants UK, Nov. 9
@Leslie T.: The traditions, like all else in AA, are merely suggestions. As a recovering alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety I do not recall ever being asked to adhere to or follow our traditions with orthodoxy as a condition or an obligation of the program- i was taught that they were but suggestions. Rigidity and Orthodoxy have likely chased away many a soul who otherwise may kept coming back.
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lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe MI, Nov. 9
@Leslie T.: Bill Wilson himself broke the tradition you speak of when he was interviewed in the ""Saturday Evening Post." He decided it was worth it because it would help so many people. And, he was right. A.A. really took off after that article was published.

I understand your concern about the traditions, but we need these voices. Last time I checked there were plenty of A.A. bashers, who say it doesn't work. We need people who can counter that false claim, coming forward speaking of their personal success. Mr. Azaria has accomplished this with great sensitivity.
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Leslie T., Princeton, Nov. 9
@George Gallop (expat Voter): The steps are suggested. I never heard anyone else say that the traditions are suggested.
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deathless horsie, Boston, Nov. 9
@Leslie T. You are absolutely correct! Hank could have written this without violating the tradition of anonymity at the level of press, radio and film.
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CC, CA, Nov. 9
@Leslie T. Everyone knows that God/a Higher Power is part of AA. It's common knowledge. If someone wants help, they'll get it, and if they don't, they won't.
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Clear Thinker, East Coast, Nov. 9
Very Inspiring, Hank Azaria!
If only they didn't have those 12 steps.
They're just not for everyone, but no one in AA or other such groups will acknowledge this.
12 step groups are not for everyone and don't work for everyone, but human support, from those in the trenches can be a profound thing. If think that should be a thing, with or without 12 steps, etc. Where one finds that, though, is the question.
Terminal uniqueness is another 12 step smack down. Everyone is unique. Everyone has their own agony and their own story. And we can connect too, with others. It's never either/or.
But people who are different are often rejected by the mainstream.
I think medication therapy is the way to go with addictions. No judging or shaming or trying to make people be accountable. Just treatment. Some support with that would also be nice. A group of people who come together to share their stories, their struggles, their everything they want to share.
But no 12 steps.
Unless you want that.
Different strokes.
Live & let live.
May Matthew know,
Finally, up in
Heaven
How
Loved
He is.
2 REPLIES
lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe MI, Nov. 9
@Clear Thinker: The gold standard for medical research in the world, the Cochrane Review, collaborated with Stanford and Harvard to do an analysis of the best research on 12-step recovery (A.A.) around the world. This research included 150 scientists in 67 institutes of research. What they found is that A.A. works better than all other treatments for keeping people sober over time. In other words, A.A. is the optimal choice for successful sobriety that lasts. Of course, it's important to point out that A.A. only works for you if you work it.
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Michael Drummy, Longmont CO, Nov. 9
@Clear Thinker I’ve been continuously sober in AA for over 43 years and will be the first to acknowledge that AA is absolutely not for everyone. Take it or leave it — I’ve never seen AA “forced” on anyone.
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Rachel S., Massachusetts, Nov. 9
I thought this was a beautiful piece as well, and have always been a huge fan of both Matthew Perry and Hank Azaria. I was, however, troubled by the breaking of the 11th Tradition. I was interviewed for a public radio piece and at 35 years sober, was careful to only use the words “in recovery” and the like rather than specify how I got (and stay) sober. Recovery programs can be discussed without specificity. Nonetheless I was very moved by this piece — and identified with a lot of it.
3 REPLIES
lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe MI, Nov. 9
@Rachel S. I understand concerns about the traditions, but when people who have years of sobriety don't tell people how they accomplished that success, it leaves people with the idea that it was willpower or something else that won't work. There have been a few decades of loud voices claiming A.A. doesn't work. It's what social workers learn in school now. It's what many psychologists have been telling alcoholics and addicts. Even the treatment world is now split, with many treatment centers no longer recommending 12-step programs. A.A. has been under assault for years now, keeping people from ever walking into the rooms. My guess? Many have died as a result.
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Patrick, Denver CO, Nov. 9
@Rachel S.: Go you. You made your decision and Hank made his. . .all good. .the only requirement, etc.
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Cynthia, Seattle, Nov. 9
@lilla victoria: I agree!
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kim, Maryland, Nov. 9
This is a lovely tribute. I do wish that the tradition in AA of anonymity being the spiritual foundation of all our traditions and anonymity at the level of press radio and film was more closely adhered to. I think this is the reason Matthew Perry didn’t call out AA. Please Hank stay sober so people don’t have more reason to say that AA doesn’t work. The group of drunks that number in the millions worldwide depends on it.
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donna, Utah, Nov. 9
One of the reasons famous people should not talk about being sober in AA is because if they drink again, everyone will know about it and think that AA doesn't work.
Also, in an interview, Matthew said he could get people to stop drinking if they asked him for help. This belief might have been a part of the problem Matthew had. No one can get someone to stop drinking and stay sober.
3 REPLIES
The Ghost Of William Gaddis, Massapequa, Long Island, Nov. 9
@donna Where did he ever say he "could get people to stop drinking if they asked him for help"? That's nonsense, and literally the opposite of what he wrote in his book.

I think he reference the old joke too: "How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb has to be willing to change."

No one knew that better than him.
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Michael Drummy, Longmont CO, Nov. 9
@donna Yup right Tradition 11. Good luck with enforcing that one. Like the Twelve Steps the Twelve Traditions are “merely suggestions”. Last I looked there was no AA police force arresting anyone for revealing their anonymity at the level of press, radio (ha! radio!), television, or films.
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Dave, US, Nov. 9
@donna AA doesn't work. There are readily available studies. It works only in about 12% of the cases. It's kind of a massive scam.
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Jo Wellins, Arlington MA, Nov. 9
This is a beautiful and courageous tribute. Thank you for opening up about your friendship with Matthew. May his memory be a blessing.
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Brunella, Brooklyn, Nov. 9
Lovely tribute to your dear friend, Mr. Azaria. Addiction is often painted with too broad a brush, denying the humanity and richness of the loved one and their life. You’ve done him justice, thank you for writing this.
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Claire, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
What a wonderful and beautifully written tribute Mr. Azaria wrote to his friend, Matthew. I enjoyed reading it and can sense the gratitude he has for the help Matthew gave him in his path to sobriety.

But also, Matthew Perry must really, really have been funnier than any of us could have imagined because I think Hank Azaria is one of the funniest people alive today. If he thinks Mr. Perry was the funniest person he’s ever known, then, wow. I thought “Friends” was fun in its day but I don’t think it necessarily showcased Mr. Perry’s full talent, as appreciated by Mr. Azaria, that is.
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John, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
Wonderful tribute Hank
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Oliver Block, USA, Nov. 9
Very well said indeed. Thank you for sharing, Mr. Azaria.
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Paul Shindler, nh, Nov. 9
Very well said. We only have each other. AA, free, and everywhere, is the god. Their success rate, as high as 35%, is as high as the expensive country club type places for the jet set.
It comes down to people talking to people, no matter where you are. And it's usually thankless, very difficult work. When the failure rate is 65% and up, get ready for letdowns. I lost a brother to alcohol and learned more than I ever wanted to know about how powerful the addiction is to some. Some people don't like the religious aspects of AA, my brother didn't, but, so what. When you come up with something better, let us know. We see right here in the piece the huge difference one person, Matthew Perry,
made in this person's life. You can do it too.
4 REPLIES
Dragoon, NYC, Nov. 9
@Paul Shindler To add a bit of clarity, AA and other 12-step groups don’t offer religion. Rather, it is a spiritual connection that is promised to those who are fearless enough to pursue the path to enlightened understanding of the world, themselves, and beyond.
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Cynthia, Seattle, Nov. 9
@Paul Shindler You are right. You do not have to believe in God to recover in A.A. For some people, GOD stands for Good Orderly Direction, as opposed to the chaos of alcoholism or drug addiction. Or, like Matthew Perry, GOD stands for Group of Drunks.
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Robin, New Zealand, Nov. 9
@Paul Shindler yup. If it wasn't for AA my son would be dead. Did it take more than once hitting bottom? Sure did, but AA never gave up and if he falls over again, someone will be there to help him back up again.
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Paul Shindler, nh, Nov. 9
@Dragoon, Please. Enough with the nitpicking. Religeon turns me off too, but I give them credit. They are doing it. They are doing what the xhurches should be doing. Though I know they donate a lot of church basements for meetings.
I never said they offered anything other than a chance to beat addiction.
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Bea Dillon, Melbourne, Nov. 9
Perry's legacy is his amazing book. Comedians are the saddest people but they illuminate our darkness. Perry chose to examine his immense sorrow in his book.
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Cannie Fold, Pacific Northwest, Nov. 9
Mr. Azaria, this is beautifully written and you do justice to your beloved friend and to all of us who are friends of Bill W. I got sober July 4, 1985, my own personal Independence Day, and have remained so, gratefully, every day since. It’s the greatest gift in my life because without it I would not have wanted to keep living.
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Ted Siebert, Chicagoland, Nov. 9
I think Perry was hysterical in Friends and I’m sorry he’s gone. However with that said I really grow tired of reading about people/celebrities from Hollywood, the music world etc and their excessive beyond comprehension drinking and drug habits. It’s an old old story and I’ve lost some respect for Paul Newman when that article came out about his private life maybe a year ago here.
7 REPLIES
August West, Midwest, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert Easy solution: Don't read it. Thanks.
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Sven, Virginia, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert they’re just people too.
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Moderate voter, Washington State, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert Unfortunately, you seem to hold on to the belief many seem to, that those who are famous somehow aren’t regular people and are failures because they don’t live up to our expectations. It’s sad that, as a society, we get so over invested in famous people’s “living the life of fame and fortune” we feel we have right to judge or disapprove of people we don’t know personally.
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Bob, WA, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert If we didn't hear about celebrities and their substance abuse challenges, we'd never hear about substance abuse challenges other than the blaming and shaming game people hurl at the addict on the street. Hopefully, when we hear stories like Matthew Perry's we realize that the addict on the street is as human as Perry - just poorer. And, with a bit of introspection, realizing, that person on the street could be me had things gone just a little big differently in my life.
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Anne, Australasia, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert
Have you wondered whether there is a commonality between such high achievement/ drive and these demons? Some who strive so hard and create success are running away from demons- it can be two sides of the same coin. We hear of brilliant comedians like Cleese and Williams suffering from crippling depression- I do not begrudge them unburdening themselves when we expect access to their private lives by virtue of their fame.
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Sharon, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert
Interesting. Do you lose respect for people with mental illness? Multiple Sclerosis? Do you find it tiresome if they go to support groups.
'Cause it's the same thing.
You should give some thought to why this version bothers you so much.
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Cannie Fold, Pacific Northwest, Nov. 9
@Ted Siebert
You’re reducing the suffering of countless others to a petty self centered complaint? It’s your right to be so willfully, woefully ignorant of a terrible malady, about which plenty of science based information is available, but try keeping it to yourself. Your attitude was formed in the 50’s, 60’s, and you’ve never bothered to update it, even half a century later?
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Honest Jo, Hollywood, Nov. 9
Thanks! Also, I remember showering with you!
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Sven, Virginia, Nov. 9
Thank you for your piece. It was this kind of honesty from people who had a platform that helped me admit that I had a problem and ask for help. And it’s that same honesty that keeps me coming back.
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e.e. comins, In The Woods, Washington, Nov. 9
Beautiful and necessary. I’d just like to add there are options outside of AA. A couple are SMART Recovery, which is centered on cognitive behavioral therapy, and Refuge Recovery, based on Buddhist philosophy. I’m at the beginning of my sobriety journey, and I know that journey is one I’ll continue the rest of my life. It helps to know one is in the company of others, especially those we admire. The shame is what will kill you, and being vulnerable and honest is what kills the shame.
1 REPLY
Crimea Riva, NYC, Nov. 9
Pretty sure the alcohol will kill me, in truth.
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Julie, NC, Nov. 9
"And he was a hilarious, hilarious man. As funny as he was on “Friends” — and he was — he was breathtakingly, hysterically unbelievable to be with in person."

Perry was so funny on Friends that it did not occur to me that Perry's comedy on Friends could actually be him at his average, not his best. That his best comedy is actually magnitudes higher, and we saw him do routine performances. Quite a testament to his comedic gift.
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Pt109, LA, Nov. 9
Beautiful drawing.
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Lorenzo, Oregon, Nov. 9
Beautifully written. A lovely tribute to Matthew Perry.
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Paul McBride, Ellensburg WA, Nov. 9
While I'm happy for Hank and Matthew in having found sobriety through AA, I have to echo the concerns of one of the other comments regarding Hank breaking Matthew's anonymity, even after Matthew's death. The eleventh and twelfth traditions of AA state:

"11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."

I don't know if Matthew ever publicly acknowledged his membership in AA. If he did, then no harm done by Hank's piece, I guess.
4 REPLIES
Kayle Simon, Olympia WA, Nov. 9
@Paul McBride He opened up about that regularly.
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MJJ, San Francisco, Nov. 9
@Paul McBride Matthew spoke often about being AA (have you read his auto-biography?). He also had issues with the anonymity part as he felt it added to the stigma of alcoholism.

Now, if either Matthew or Hank had outed someone else? That's a different issue and one in which I agree with you.
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Quinn, CA, Nov. 9
@Paul McBride He was public about being in AA.
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Stephen, NYC, Nov. 9
@MJJ the anonymity is for AA as a whole, not the individuals.
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BJGT, DC, Nov. 9
This piece honors both Matthew’s legacy and your friendship. I agree “speaking publicly about addiction and A.A. does more good than harm.” Thank you.
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Lauri, MA, Nov. 9
One doesn't always find a laughing friend, a humorous friend, a responsive friend in AA or any of the 12 step programs, especially not in Western Massachusetts, where humor is a rare and undervalued commodity. But the concept of finding God in a bunch of drunks in a room is priceless. So often people say they can't do AA or other programs because they don't believe in God. But you can never say you don't believe in the power of a bunch of drunks in a room, searching for meaning, and a way to go on, and finding their way home together.
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Kathy Depasquale, Walpole, NH, Nov. 9
There has been so much written about Matthew Perry since his death, but I find this piece the most tender, the most loving, the most sincere and real of all. After all, we knew him in laughter and, apparently, laughter was a way of life for him. We can take it from his pal,Hank Azaria. He brings that bubbling humor to us, out of the context of the tv show. Somehow, I felt that this would have been the piece that the subject himself would have loved -- two guys, laughing their heads off in the mens' room, but with powerful love at the heart of it all..
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kathleen cairns, San Luis Obispo Ca, Nov. 9
What a beautiful piece. Thanks so much for sharing.
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leslielbk, florida, Nov. 9
Goodness, I'm torn here. Such a lovely testimony to the power of one alcoholic helping another. But.
Tradition 11 says "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." The first sentence of the long form reads "Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity." and the fourth sentence "Our names and pictures as AA members ought not be broadcast, filmed, or publicly printed." The reason for anonymity is that no single person should be a representative of Alcoholics Anonymous. The general public has and will continue to look at any particular person who is sober and pronounces their success to Alcoholics Anonymous as it's poster child. Public relapse can therefore give the public the impression that Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't work. The Traditions are as important as the Steps; without them Alcoholics Anonymous does not exist. Heartwarming stories like this reach people that anonymity never can, but we shouldn't get to throw the Traditions aside because they don't suit us in this particular instance, or God forbid make our own decision that just this once it's okay. We are anonymous for a reason. I fully understand the intent to be loving and kind and tell the world, and the temptation is strong. Nonetheless, Alcoholics Anonymous exists unlike any organization in the world, BECAUSE of anonymity.
3 REPLIES
Free thinker, PR Indy, Nov. 9
@leslielbk. The rational for the anonymity in AA as a tradition is off putting. Aside from the compassion and empathy articulated by a very public figure the one take away which may actually promote AA philosophy to nonreligious types is that god is not “traditionally” defined. This is news to me as a deists and anti-institutional religious type. In that regard, I gained a little respect for the philosophy of AA as an organization that is smart enough to accommodate the human condition and the intelligence of its clients. The one attribute about tradition is that it really isn’t absolutists and only adaptable traditions survive in the long run. History can illustrate traditions that are now absolute.
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MJJ, San Francisco, Nov. 9
@leslielbk Matthew spoke often about being AA (have you read his auto-biography?). He also had issues with the anonymity part as he felt it added to the stigma of alcoholism.

Now, if either Matthew or Hank had outed someone else? That's a different issue.

But no one in this article broke anonymity.
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lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe, MI, Nov. 9
@Free thinker Yes, Bill Wilson said AA is for people of all shades of belief and unbelief.
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Pete, Carmel, IN, Nov. 9
As an alcoholic who recently celebrated 30 years of sobriety, I can say that service does indeed keep you sober. I'm well-educated, good job, financially satisfied, happily married, great kids and in good health. All of that will mean nothing if I pick up another drink. But if I stop working with others, that drink could suddenly become an option. True insanity of the disease. I pray I never forget that. RIP, Matthew Perry.
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Jeffrey, Santa Fe, NM, Nov. 9
This article hits hard.
I am 22 years sober. I miss drinking every single day. It was my best friend.
Quitting was still worth it.
3 REPLIES
Tom, Maryland, Nov. 9
@Jeffrey 13 years for me, and you are so right about everything. I do still miss it, but stopping was the best thing that ever happened to me. Best of luck in your journey!
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Cynthia, Seattle, Nov. 9
@Jeffrey I am sorry you miss it. I don’t miss it at all. A.A. gave me that, and it is a huge gift!
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Jersey Girl, Havertown, Nov. 9
@Jeffrey One is too many and never enough.
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Herbert, Switzerland (former NJ resident), Nov. 9
Well, a nice story and I believe it suits Mr. Perry much better then all of that "Friends"-memorial-circus. the only thing I would add: there is no "God". It's a fantasy. People could believe in a golf ball, it'd have the same effect.
5 REPLIES
Geno, State College, PA, Nov. 9
@Herbert The only people with more hubris than those who insist on the existence of God are those who insist on It's absolute non-existence.
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Tags, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
@Herbert Perhaps "God" is the act of believing, of having faith. The object is unimportant, eg, a golfball. The act is what matters.
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Herbert, Switzerland (former NJ resident), Nov. 9
@Tags Good guess! Thank you
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David, Wilton, CT, Nov. 9
@Herbert AA encourages a belief in a "higher power" - for some that higher power is God... for some it is a "Gathering Of Drunks" (not a "bunch" of drunks - that would be BOD)
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lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe, MI, Nov. 9
@Herbert God works through people more often than lightening bolts. You don't have to believe in God to benefit from a "power greater than ourselves" found through the spirituality of AA.
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Isaac Asimov, Washington DC, Nov. 9
Beautiful, honest tribute to a friend--and the power of sharing a struggle. Thank you.
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Erin, Astoria, NY, Nov. 9
Opinion piece seems like a reasonable exception to Tradition 11 under the circumstances. Farewell Mathew Perry.
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Empathetic, US, Nov. 9
Mathew was a good guy and AA is generally a good place. Just be careful of which meeting you attend. If possible, use the advice of a friend.

When it works, it works. When it doesn't, it doesn't. Let it be of help for those it can help, and let those whom are not helped find a different route.

Mathew was a good man. Amen.
1 REPLY
lilla victoria, Grosse Pointe, MI, Nov. 9
@Empathetic "It works when you work it." Of course, for those who are constitutionally incapable of honesty, the program probably wouldn't work for them.
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William, UK, Nov. 9
Heartfelt and touching piece, Hank. (I also find some irony in Moe the bartender going to AA)
1 REPLY
steve, kc, Nov. 9
@William want irony, watch Hank in Brockmire. He plays an outrageously funny drunk. He moves alcoholism to a new level.
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Pat McDonald, Shelton, CT, Nov. 9
While this article uplifting, I would have hoped that the writer had respected the concepts and traditions of AA. Especially for the benefit of the millions of members
4 REPLIES
Lynn, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
@Pat McDonald Can you say more for those of us who are not in AA? Is it in talking openly about his and Perry's addictions? Perry spoke about his own and Azaria is speaking about his own, so I'm untroubled by this. I also was already aware of the AA steps, which is publicly available information, so I am genuinely interested in understanding how he failed to respect the concepts and traditions. Genuinely interested. Thank you.
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David cagle, Dallas, Nov. 9
@Lynn Yes, I find the fact that both Matthew and Hank were both public about their experiences without betraying the anonymity of anyone else is mitigating. If one person who was looking for help and read this piece and decided to go to AA, it was worth it.
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Tags, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
@Lynn The tradition is grounded in humility and the benefit of the group. As Matthew said to Hank, paraphrasing, God is the collective. No one member any better or worse than any other. We recover together. Anonymity is about individual privacy ("hey I saw Matthew Perry and Hank Azaria at an AA meeting!") but it's also to protect the group. Recovery is achieved one day at a time. As MP shared in his book, he returned to drugs and alcohol many times during his recovery journey. The tradition is in place so that others may not look on that as evidence that the 12 Steps don't "work." It's a difficult tradition -- I have 33 years of recovery in a different program, and it often feels like we should tell people! But the collective wisdom is what I follow.
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Lynn, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
@Tags Thank you for sharing this. I am going to spend some time with this idea. It's a new one for me. As someone who has other struggles in life, I know how much it meant to be to discover by reading an article that I wasn't alone, so that is my frame of reference and I think I see benefits in both approaches. I did not know that people were not supposed to speak about their own recovery, as people do it all the time, both public figures and private ones. I was once at a dinner party to which I brought a bottle of wine (though when I was buying it, a little voice said, "bring flowers instead," but I didn't listen :-). Anyway, the host poured me a glass of wine. At some point, someone asked me if I was a friend of Bill's. I said, "Who the heck is Bill," wherein they explained that Bill was the founder of AA. And that's when I noticed that everyone but me was drinking tab. They were all very public about the fact that they were in AA and I guess they were trying to figure out if they needed to take me to a meeting. I am still so amused by that and I still find it heartwarming. The host was so gracious. She just poured me a glass of wine. Had her guest not said anything, I'd have been none the wiser and I probably still wouldn't know who Bill is.
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Cathy, Idaho, Nov. 9
The loss of Matthew Perry just continues to break my heart.
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Dave, MA, Nov. 9
I don't think that I ever watched Friends very much, but I do have over 27 yrs. of recovery and I thought that this story was wonderful. That is how it works.
1 REPLY
nahcllib, pa, Nov. 9
@Dave was a magical year for me too!
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Pecos45, Fort Stockton tx, Nov. 9
I am reminded of the Jamey Johnson song, “High Cost of Living” as I read this.
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JB, California, Nov. 9
Hank, Matt's family, and (of course) friends,
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I think you know Matt's passing is having a profound impact on so many people globally. I want you to know Matt's book is having a profound impact on so many people. I was lucky enough to listen to it with a group of people. Listening to him read it is especially impactful and emotional. If only we could all be as open about our struggles.
I am the same age as Matt and have known many addicts but I never fully understood the disease until he explained it to us. I'm so lucky I don't have the impossible to fill hole but others in my family and circles of friends do.
This morning over breakfast I was able to explain addiction to my teen. I had never been able to talk to her about drugs because I didn't have the words. Matt provided the language and perspective I needed to be able to do this. And, it clearly landed. She got it and now has a layer of protective awareness and the words to be able to help her friends.
Matt's message is reverberating and absolutely will save lives. The hole Matt has left in so many hearts will eventually fill simply by honoring his message. I hope knowing this gives you some peace.
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JS Indy, Indianapolis, Nov. 9
That’s fascinating that Matthew Perry is the funniest person you have met “by far”. You have had a long career with the Simpsons and worked with hundreds of actors and writers. And Mathew Perrys humor stands above them all.
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Pecos45, Fort Stockton tx, Nov. 9
I was reminded of the Jamey Johnson song, “High Cost of Living” as I read this.
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SD, Midwest, Nov. 9
So many wonderful heartfelt tributes for Matthew Perry in the days since his death. I listened to his audiobook, narrated by him, a few months ago and you can hear all the pain in his words when he talks about his struggles and setbacks.

But you can also hear the the love and joy he found in his work, family, and friends. And no matter what he was unpacking, he was so clever and hilarious, even if the circumstances he was describing made him seem like a mess.

I hope that he realized before he left how much his family, friends, and fans appreciate him. He was one of a kind.
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Settembrini, Portola, CA, Nov. 9
I would normally skip an article like this - who wants to hear about another famous person's addiction woes? But when I saw who wrote it, I clicked immediately. Hank Azaria is an amazing talent, one of the mosr gifted actors I've ever seen - and more importantly, heard. A chameleon-like character who, as I later found out, nursed a troubled soul. And it underlays everything he does on screen. So while I'm laughing hysterically at the character, I feel it's coming from some inner woe - it translates. It hurts even through the laughter.
I think Matthew Perry was lucky to have found him.
"Solid". (in French accent)
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Anderson, New York, Nov. 9
It seems like so many people who really struggle with addiction are also very talented. The author of this article is brilliant on the Simpsons and movies. The “terminal uniqueness” he refers to is a real thing, and in my opinion is not just in the addict’s mind, though I’m sure it really gets in the way of recovery. I’d rather be exceptional and troubled than mediocre and happy.
1 REPLY
Paul H, Canada, Nov. 9
@Anderson AA is a program of identification. The newbie has to first identify with sober members’ feelings of despair and helplessness before he/she will give the 12 steps an honest try. “Terminal uniqueness” refers to a newcomer’s refusal to believe his/her experience is like anyone else’s, thus creating (subconsciously) an excuse to continue drinking. In 29 years of sobriety, I’ve known hundreds of alcoholics. I can attest that most were quite ordinary. I prefer not to use the term mediocre.
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Mick, Pennsylvania, Nov. 9
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.
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Kathy, Evanston, IL, Nov. 9
I'm so sorry that you lost your friend. I listened to what you said on your social media post too about how you and others who loved Matthew, felt like you lost him long ago to drugs and alcohol. And yet the love and compassion you had and have for him comes through so much.
Most of us didn't have the good fortune of knowing and loving him like you and others did. I'm grateful for what he gave to all of us with his talent, and hope wherever his spirit is, he can feel the love of we unknown strangers, but more importantly that he can feel the love of the close friends who knew him and loved him so like you. Hugs to you.
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Andrew P, Park City, Nov. 9
Thanks Hank. I believe that first meeting you went to, with Matthew, was also the first meeting I attended after moving to Brentwood in '95 a couple of years sober. Your descriptions not only of it but so much of the other wisdom, comedy, drama, and emotion you were part of is much appreciated.

Who knew that not only one but two really, really funny guys like you and Matthew would become such inspirations to others such as myself.

Thank you, and Thank You Matthew.
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Nicholas Balthazar, 06520, Nov. 9
Wow. What a touching tribute to him. The last paragraph is potentially Perry’s gift to the world. Fingers crossed.
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mainesummers, NH, Nov. 9
Thank you for being real and sharing this with the world.
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Sheila, 3103, Nov. 9
What a beautiful and heartfelt tribute to Matthew. For anyone struggling with addiction and do not have a religious/spiritual belief, there is also a great scientific based community group like AA called SMART Recovery that offers science based recovery education and support, i.e, sponsors, and also has a Friends and Family Program for loved ones to have their support and education as well. RIP Matthew and thank you Hank <3
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Danno, Out west, Nov. 9
Of all the articles I've read since his tragic death, this one is by far the most sincere and poignant peice. Well done
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Eric, Rochester, Nov. 9
Wonderful , indeed .
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AB, Brooklyn, Nov. 9
This is a great piece. I remember in the final days of my drinking, when I was thinking that I probably needed help, I suddenly remembered the Jack Lemmon episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio when he abruptly admitted he was an alcoholic. Clips from “Days of Wine & Roses” were shown, and I first became aware of AA. Because of that, 25 years later I went to my first AA meeting. After all, if something like drinking could hurt someone like Jack Lemmon, couldn’t it also hurt me? and if AA could help him, couldn’t it also help me? I understand the need for anonymity but in these times of drug crises and declining mortality, we need to make help as widely available as possible. We need to destigmatize addiction and treatment. Thanks to you and Matthew for doing that.

Thanks for this column. Let go & let God.
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Monica B., Berkeley, Nov. 9
What a beautiful, powerful tribute. I’m so sorry for your loss. As a physician who treats many patients struggling with addiction, I found Matthew Perry’s memoir deeply moving and illuminating. He gave all of us a glimpse into the loneliness and shame that can often permeate the journey to recovery. His story is a reminder that we never fully understand anyone else’s struggles. Compassion for other human beings is the most powerful healing entity on the planet.
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Anne, Phoenix, Nov. 9
Thank you for your reflections. A lovely "seeing" of your friend.
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Lorcaman, Dallas, Nov. 9
Mr. Azaria, Thank you and thank you to that room full of God for this profoundly beautiful piece that truly captures the earnestness and essence of my journey and millions of others. It also manages to be of supreme service to others from yourself and the amazing legacy Perry leaves behind, not only with his art but his own path. As a person in 10 years of long term recovery, I am filled with gratitude for your words and reminded that in my connection with others, I am lucky and just another bozo on the bus.
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Audrey, Dallas,TX, Nov. 9
A lovely, moving and honest tribute to a dear friend.
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Hilary, Boston, Nov. 9
Gorgeous tribute, written by a man of extraordinary talent whose work has long meant so much to me, about a man of extraordinary talent whose work meant so much to me. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing.
1 REPLY
Eleanor Kas, Ojai, CA, Nov. 9
@Hilary Agree.
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LLJ, Portland, OR, Nov. 9
A beautiful tribute. As a person in recovery from alcohol, I appreciate and admire what and how you've shared here. I've asked myself why his death has hit me so (I wasn't a fan of Friends, and didn't closely follow his career), and it's because of the shared struggle and sobriety and understanding. You can't unknow that level of pain. That he helped so many warms my heart. That he struggled for so long is an ache. I wish him and those who loved him peace.
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Tom J, Berwyn, IL, Nov. 9
A beautiful tribute to your friend and a great description of what goes on in AA. GOD (a Group of Orderly Drunks or Good Orderly Direction) appealed to me immediately when I first came into AA because it was clever, and absent of religiosity. As a broken young man carrying loads of Catholic baggage, a religious appeal would have gone nowhere. But these catchy slogans helped me adopt a belief in GOD that made sense. People criticize AA as religious, brainwashed fanatics, but they don't know these slogans -- GOD, KISS (Keep it simple, stupid), Attitude of Gratitude, and dozens of others. I'm very sorry Matthew Perry didn't make it, but for moments, he did his very best and helped many people. We should all be so fortunate as to leave a legacy like that.
6 REPLIES
Sheila, 3103, Nov. 9
@Tom J: I agree. I worked as a substance abuse counselor for two and half years at all levels of care despite having my master's in social work (it was at the very tail end of allowing my degree to do substance abuse work in South Carolina without having to pursue a separate certification in it).

I wish I had known about SMART Recovery Program back then to recommend to my clients/patients/residents who were not religious or spiritual. They have been around since 1995 and offer s science based outpatient recovery program that also has sponsors and a sister program for loved ones called Friends and Family. I probably would have attended their Friends and Family Program since I lived for a while with my end stage alcoholic mother while doing that work. It didn't end well and I had to move out after year of chaos and hurt.

She died a few years later in a nursing home and I was able to finally have her for two months not under the influence of alcohol, arranged for her care and made sure she had the best care possible in that home. Although she was slightly demented after drowning herself in alcohol for 31 years, I'll never forget that I got those two months and will be forever grateful for it.
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Lynn, Los Angeles, Nov. 9
@Sheila I had final days with my mother, and a few visits in her final months. We had been estranged after decades of unhealthy relationship rooted in her mental illness and abuse, after I finally realized that I had to walk away to save myself. Still, I am grateful for that time together in the end. With dementia, I saw the person she had been underneath all the bad behavior and it deepened my compassion for her as I saw that she had heaped trauma and abuse on others while longing deeply for connection. How sad that everything she did, which she did out of her own unprocessed trauma, not only harmed us but harmed her as well, keeping her from what she (and also we) wanted most. I still live with the tragedy of her story and my own, but like you, I am grateful beyond measure for that little window of opportunity that presented itself at the very end.
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Tom J, Berwyn, IL, Nov. 9
Powerful story. Thanks for sharing it.
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Amy, Pittsburgh, Nov. 9
"but for moments, he did his very best and helped many people"
I think we so often fail to recognize the significance of "moments" of connection. Of late I've come to realize that we can get kind of mired in a baseline of loneliness, but there are so many beautiful moments when we connect to and help and are helped by others. We tend to dismiss these moments and instead pursue the quest to be continually connected, to feel special with our special people, but I don't think it works like that. I say this for anyone who might be feeling some shame and failure around being lonely: Loneliness is normal. Stay open and appreciate those connected moments. Make friends with yourself and offer the best friendship you can to someone who might need it.
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CJ, Chicago, Nov. 9
@Sheila A point of clarification: the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. You don't need to be religious or spiritual. There is no shortage of atheists in AA.
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Jersey Girl, Havertown, Nov. 9
@CJ There are atheist/agnostic AA meetings. They follow the same general principles but leave out the prayers and religiosity.