Looking for Computer Quotes
Erina Moriarty
Preferably humorous ones. Thanks in advance!
--
Erina @>-->--
er...@athena.gmu.edu
This downhill path is easy, but there's no turning back.
- Christina Rossetti
Bruce A. Friedman
>As the subject line states I am looking for any computer related quotes.
>Preferably humorous ones. Thanks in advance!
Computers are like sausages -- they are most admired by those who don't know
what goes into them.
A tornado hit our mainframe computer room -- it did $6 million worth of
improvements.
A computer program is like sex. When it's good it's great and when it's bad
it's still pretty good.
Todd E Van Hoosear
Warning, this is quite long!
For a look at my complete quote archive (my apologies that it's not in
the AQ FAQ format), point your web browser to
http://clunix.msu.edu/~vanhoose/quotes.html
This excerpt (on computer quotes) is also available through my humor web
pages at http://clunix.msu.edu/~vanhoose/humor.html
Cheers,
- Todd
On 25 Apr 1996 23:27:18 GMT, Erina Moriarty (er...@athena.gmu.edu) wrote:
: As the subject line states I am looking for any computer related quotes.
: Preferably humorous ones. Thanks in advance!
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Anderson, Jeremy S. (*)
K: computers Unix drugs
If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing
at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet
in about...five minutes.
-- Anonymous
K: usenet netnews monkeys computers
To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer.
-- Anonymous
C: in _Farmer's Almanac for 1978_
D: 1977
K: computers errors
Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window!
-- Anonymous
K: upgrades computers speed
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Asimov, Isaac (*)
K: computers fear
There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off,
deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL
earnings to the IRS.
-- Bastard Operator from Hell [Anke Bodzin]
K: computers root operator system administration problems
But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more
than these cometh of evil.
-- Bible (Matthew 5:37)
K: computers binary numbers communication
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee--that
will do them in.
-- Bradley's Bromide
K: computers work power
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good;
and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Brandon, Dick (*)
K: editing documentation computers
Beware of programmers who carry screw drivers.
-- Brandwein, Leonard
K: computers programmers
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
-- Button
C: from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA
K: networks usenet games
Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to
the jaw.
-- Button
C: from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA
K: networks usenet rights
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
-- Cook. Rich (*)
K: programming computers intelligence software
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, geta million miles
per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
-- Cringely, Robert X.
C: from _InfoWorld_
K: computers evolution cars automobiles
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
-- Deteriorata (excerpted from)
C: from the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 m/sec/sec.
-- Dolengo, Marcus
K: macintosh speed acceleration computers
My suggestion for an Official Usenet Motto: "If you have nothing to say,
then come on in, this is the place for you, tell us all about it!"
-- Fosseng, Hevard [quotation collector]
K: usenet netnews mottos computers
Crossposting isn't inherently evil, in the same sense that necrophilia
doesn't really hurt anybody. One wonders only whether it's
appropriate to the occasion.
-- Gordon, Rick
K: computers networks usenet news crossposting necrophilia
If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
-- Hammer, Scott (*)
C: an old IBM VM statement
K: computers virtual reality
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million
typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.
-- Houghton, Blair
C: in response to anonymous network monkey quote
K: usenet monkeys netnews computers
I must've seen it in a USENET posting; that's sort of like hearsay
evidence from Richard Nixon...
-- Houghton, Blair
K: networks usenet evidence computers
*However*, one thing on the Net is certain: there is someone willing
to argue about any point.
-- I don't know but I'll dispute any attribution
C: taken from quote collection by Hevard Fosseng
K: networks usenet netnews arguing flames computers
The first step is to decide what Internet services users need to
access and limit their access to those services.
-- Jesson, Joseph [a senior analyst at Chevron Corp]
C: as quoted in ComputerWorld 6/28/93
K: internet networks access services limitations
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Kulawiec, Rich (*)
K: programming computers technology magic
N: See Clarke.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use
your thumbs.
-- Lehrer, Tom
K: computers octal numbers
If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard, the first thing typed
would be a UNIX command.
-- Lye, Bill (*)
K: computers Unix monkeys
N: See also Anonymous quote and quote by Blair Houghton.
"Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?"
"It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?"
-- MacNelley (*)
C: in "Shoe"
K: computers word processing
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
-- Minor, Janet
C: "Spellbound"
K: computers word processing spelling language
Usenet is not a right.
-- news.newusers.questions FAQ
K: usenet rights netnews computers
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
-- New Yorker cartoon
K: anonymity computers networks internet
We may begin to see reality differently simply because the
computer ... provides a different angle on reality.
-- Pagels, Heinz
K: computers reality
Remember, on Prodigy, the users are stupid enough that they may only be
allowed to see intelligent, mature posts; who decided this was most
appropriate for their reading level? Over here on the Real Net, we're
as infantile as we wanna be and we're all geniuses. I can say whatever
I want because I know that everyone with a brain will simply ignore me
completely. As John Cleese said, this will offend precisely those
people who *should* be offended.
-- Parry, James 'Kibo'
K: networks netnews usenet intelligence literacy computers
Hardware : The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-- Pesis, Jeff (*)
K: computers
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Picasso, Pablo (1881-1973) (*)
K: computers
Be warned that being an expert is more than understanding how a system
is supposed to work. Expertise is gained by investigating why a system
doesn't work.
-- Redman, Brian (*)
K: computers expertise system administration
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
-- Reid, Brian K. (*)
K: giants shoulders feet vision computers
N: See also quotes from I. Newton, G. Holton, H. Abelson
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
-- Rooney, Andy (*)
K: computers
Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for
the rest of your life.
-- Sinz, Michael [Commodore-Amiga Inc.] (*)
K: computers programming sex
Real Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any real programmer is
around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.
-- Some Computer Geek
K: computers programming geeks
Axiom #1: The Usenet is not the real world. The Usenet usually does
not even resemble the real world.
Corollary #1: Attempts to change the real world by altering the
structure of the Usenet is an attempt to work sympathetic
magic--electronic voodoo.
Corollary #2: Arguing about the significance of newsgroup names and
their relation to the way people really think is equivalent
to arguing whether it is better to read tea leaves or
chicken entrails to divine the future.
Axiom #2: Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of
sanity, intelligence, or common sense.
Corollary #3: An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of
keyboards could produce something like Usenet.
Corollary #4: They could do a better job of it.
Axiom #3: Sturgeon's Law (90% of everything is crap) applies to Usenet.
Corollary #5: In an unmoderated newsgroup, no one can agree on what
constitutes the 10%.
Corollary #6: Nothing guarantees that the 10% isn't crap, too.
-- Spafford, Gene (*)
K: usenet netnews computers monkeys
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
-- Spafford, Gene
K: usenet elephants netnews computers
We're thinking about upgrading from SunOS 4.1.1 to SunOS 3.5.
-- Spencer, Henry
K: computers operating systems upgrades
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a
lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would
conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
-- Stampfli, Rob (*)
K: networks usenet netnews addiction computers animals
I have no sustained relationship with any person whom I've met
only by and through E-mail.... I uncharitably speculate that it's
because I already have a life.
-- Sterling, Bruce
K: net computers e-mail friendship
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
-- Unknown
K: computers intelligence
ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-- Unknown
K: computers machines
N: From "THE JARGON FILE, VERSION 2.9.9, 01 APR 1992":
|
:blinkenlights: /blink'*n-li:tz/ n. Front-panel diagnostic lights
on a computer, esp. a {dinosaur}. Derives from the last word
of the famous blackletter-Gothic sign in mangled pseudo-German that
once graced about half the computer rooms in the English-speaking
world. One version ran in its entirety as follows:
|
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS! Das
computermachine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken
mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen.
Das rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen das cotten-pickenen hans in das
pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten.
|
This silliness dates back at least as far as 1959 at Stanford
University and had already gone international by the early 1960s,
when it was reported at London University's ATLAS computing site.
There are several variants of it in circulation, some of which
actually do end with the word `blinkenlights'.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to
core dump.
-- Unknown
K: magic unix wizards
N: Based on quote from J.R.R. Tolkien.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick
to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy
and taste good with ketchup. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for
they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
-- Unknown
K: magic wizards dragons cats
N: Original sentence is from J.R.R. Tolkien.
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no, and yes, and
no, and yes....
-- Unknown
K: counsel usenet netnews computers
N: Based on J.R.R. Tolkien quotation: "Go not to the elves for advice, for they will say both yes and no." See Tolkien.
Guide to understanding a net.addict's day:
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet.
-- Unknown
K: usenet netnews addiction computers
I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code!
-- Unknown
K: peace computers
If a train station is where a train stops, what's a workstation?
-- Unknown
K: computers trains
I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true,
then there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS.
-- Unknown
K: computers intelligence stupidity
I know your little 4th grade teacher said there are not stupid
questions. She was wrong. This is Usenet.
-- Unknown
K: computers usenet net news
PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's
input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to
banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
-- Unknown
K: programming computers code
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't comment their code. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to understand.
-- Unknown
K: programming code comments commenting computers
Bright young men of disheveled appearance, often with sunken glowing
eyes, can be seen sitting at computer consoles, their arms tensed and
waiting to fire their fingers, already poised to strike, at the
buttons and keys on which their attention seems to be riveted as a
gambler's on the rolling dice. When not so transfixed they often sit
at tables strewn with computer printouts over which they pore like
possessed students of a cabalistic text. They work until they nearly
drop, twenty, thirty hours at a time. Their food, if they arrange it,
is brought to them: coffee, Cokes, sandwiches. If possible they sleep
on cots near the printouts. Their rumpled clothes, their unwashed and
unshaven faces, and their uncombed hair all testify that they are
oblivious to their bodies and to the world in which they move. These
are computer bums, compulsive programmers....
-- Weizenbaum, Joseph
C: in _Computer Power and Human Reason_
D: 1976
K: computers programmers programming
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.
-- Wilkes, Maurice
K: computers programming bugs debugging
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- T o d d E. V a n H o o s e a r -
``'''vanh...@gdl.msu.edu - vanh...@msu.edu - vanh...@lalaland.cl.msu.edu
(._.) Michigan State University - East Lansing, MI USA
(_) Computer Laboratory - Department of Communication
`---' <A HREF="http://clunix.msu.edu/~vanhoose/">My Home Page</A>
"BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt Hickman
Don't explain computers to laymen. [It's] Simpler to explain sex
to a virgin.
Robert A. Heinlein (1907 - 1988)
_The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress_ c 1966
-Matt Hickman
Roel Dobbelstein
Do you wholesale in telecom quotes??
I do..
Philippe Van Der Gucht
On 25 Apr 1996 23:27:18 GMT, er...@athena.gmu.edu (Erina Moriarty)
wrote:
>As the subject line states I am looking for any computer related quotes.
>Preferably humorous ones. Thanks in advance!
Here are some:
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as
reading sex manuals without the software.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
be the process of putting them in.
-- Dykstra
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy
routines in FORTRAN.
-- Anonymous
"Reading USENET is like drinking from a firehose, you'll get very wet
but you probably will still be thirsty."
-- Steve Steinberg
"Are we thinking here, or is this
just so much pointing and clicking?"
-- The New Yorker
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The
Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
said the master.
"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.
-- "The Tao of Programming"
--
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Disclaimer:
I do not care about opinions, I'm apathetic.