It's never an appropriate time for some George Carlin quotes...
The Sanity Inspector
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I buy stamps by mail. It works OK until I run out of stamps.
What year did Jesus Christ think it was?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Have you ever noticed the lawyer is always smiling more than
the client?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
**********
PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PHASED OUT
- Guys who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy
Birthday."
- People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making
self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.
- A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain
Forest.
- People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep
beep," when someone is in their path.
- Blind people who don't want any help.
************
I don't like trendy food. When I hear, "sauteed boneless panda
groin," I know I'm in the wrong place. There's such a thing as
pretentious food. Puree of woodchuck, marinated bat nipples, weasel
chops, porcupine cacciatore. Or fried eagle. A guy said to me
recently, "C'mon, we'll go to Baxter's, they have really great fried
eagle." I'm thinkin' to myself, "Do I really wanna know this guy?"
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State.
My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their
own, so both of them together is certain death.
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First
of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun.
It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite
apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no
mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's
no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the
prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God'
are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your
house.
--
bruce
The dignified don't even enter in the game.
--The Jam
Diana Morgan Ashworth
In article <38c1e71c...@news.mindspring.com>,
chollanam...@mindspring.com wrote:
--
Diana Morgan Ashworth
da...@together.net
"The world has enough for everyone's need, but not enough for everyone's greed." - Gandhi
Diana Morgan Ashworth
Frank Lynch
- George Carlin
On television, you can prick your finger, but you better not finger your
prick
- ibid
Frank Lynch
--
The Samuel Johnson Sound Bite Page is at:
http://www.samueljohnson.com/
Vinny
Ashworth) wrote:
>More, more, Pleeeeaseee-
>
>REPOSTED from rec.humor
Brain Droppings from George Carlin ...
Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.
The straightest line between a short distance is 2 points.
What is the plural of "a hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?
A courtesy bus driver once told me to go fuck myself.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
I go to bed early. My favorite dream comes on at nine.
If you get cheated by the BBB, who do you complain to?
Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?
BAD LUCK: catching AIDS from a Quaker.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you call it a 4th sense?
Blood is thicker than urine.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an
opening.
Cancer research is a growth industry.
Simon says: Go fuck yourself.
When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back?
The bigger they are, the worse they smell.
My watch stopped, I think I'm down a quartz.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
When will the rhetorical questions all end?
A cemetery is a place where dead people live.
Hard work is for people short on talent.
I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.
Infant crib death is caused by grandparents' breath.
We are all pre cancerous.
I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.
Life is a near-death experience.
Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
This year is the 2 millionth anniversary of sperm.
Don't get your cortex caught in a vortex.
A laugh is a smile with a hole in it.
Crooked judges live on a fixed income.
Prefix has no suffix, but suffix has a prefix.
If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
Just when I begin to find myself, depersonalization sets in.
Good News: ten golfers a year are hit by lightning.
I've been working on accepting my inner scumbag.
Santa is Satan spelled inside out.
There was no Big Bang. There was just a Big Handjob.
Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
You know what they don't have? Cake-flavored pie.
Somehow, it's hard to picture butterflies fucking.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep
it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just
whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are
Girl
Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the
way
they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out
of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already
there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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