Some kind of request I guess..
ImpossibleGirl
Just stumbled across this today, trying to find somewhere to offer a
little guidance. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and
of those ten years.. only the past three or so have we been
Polyamorous. I have, myself, been in love with more than just him for
much longer. My husband knows about my long-distance partner, and is
very open to communication with me.. but I can't seem to get them to
talk to each other. He has admitted to being alright with me being in
love with another human.. and that it is ok, but he wants to spend
time with me too. Our work schedules don't really permit alot of
bonding time. I try to validate his feelings, and keep both of them
from a dangerous jealous spiral.. it works.. but I think I may need
more help.
I am trying to be there for them.. when they need me the most.. but am
floundering. I know that they are so amazing.. and worth my love..
but sometimes I wonder why they think it is acceptable to vie for my
attention, when I try to equal it out. Is this competitive spirit
normal? How do you break the cycle?
Thanks for your help!
~ImpossibleGirl
Erin
> I am trying to be there for them.. when they need me the most.. but am
> floundering. I know that they are so amazing.. and worth my love..
> but sometimes I wonder why they think it is acceptable to vie for my
> attention, when I try to equal it out. Is this competitive spirit
> normal? How do you break the cycle?
I think it's normal, but I find it distressing to have partners
competing for my attention or to compete for a partner's attention. It
sounds like you do, too.
If it's possible, scheduling regular "date nights" (which do not have
to be evenings) might help them (and you) feel reassured that you are
spending equal time with them. For example, one of my partners has
regular date nights with three of his partners -- a phone date with
one who is long distance, and then actual dates with two of them who
are local.
Scheduling/calendar applicaitons such as Google calendar is often a
good way to coordinate this, as you can see when people are free and
what other things are going on.
Erin, currently in Sweden, but looking forward to scheduling time with
partners when she gets home.
Vicki Rosenzweig
12:37:53 -0700 (PDT):
>Hello the list!
Welcome to alt.poly!
>Just stumbled across this today, trying to find somewhere to offer a
>little guidance. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and
>of those ten years.. only the past three or so have we been
>Polyamorous. I have, myself, been in love with more than just him for
>much longer. My husband knows about my long-distance partner, and is
>very open to communication with me.. but I can't seem to get them to
>talk to each other.
I like it that all three of my partners talk to each other, but is it
necessary in your case? (In my case, it ranges from "we socialize as a
group, though each of these two is involved only with me" to "I
exchange occasional email with her other partner.")
> He has admitted to being alright with me being in
>love with another human.. and that it is ok, but he wants to spend
>time with me too. Our work schedules don't really permit alot of
>bonding time. I try to validate his feelings, and keep both of them
>from a dangerous jealous spiral.. it works.. but I think I may need
>more help.
It sounds as though there are two things here: how much of your time
he wants (or needs), and whether he and your other love are rivals.
Time is finite, and that may mean that if you want to give both of
these men enough time to satisfy each of them, and yourself, something
else will have to give, such as a hobby or other pieces of your social
life.
>
>I am trying to be there for them.. when they need me the most.. but am
>floundering. I know that they are so amazing.. and worth my love..
>but sometimes I wonder why they think it is acceptable to vie for my
>attention, when I try to equal it out. Is this competitive spirit
>normal? How do you break the cycle?
It probably is normal, but I haven't run into it enough to have direct
advice. One thing that might help is to encourage each of them to
focus on what he wants from you, where "not to spend time with the
other guy" isn't on offer. That is, if someone has a genuine
emergency, you deal with it, of course. If he has issues that arise
whenever you're planning to see OtherGuy, but never are bad enough to
require medical treatment or other changes to what he does, and do not
arise when you're planning on visiting your parents, or your best
friend, or going to a movie by yourself, either (depending on how you,
and he, think and react) tell him this is not acceptable and you're
going out anyhow, or tell him that okay, this time we can spend the
evening talking over his worries, but you are going to call the other
guy, explain "FirstGuy needs me, can we reschedule for Tuesday?" Where
"Tuesday" could be time you had been planning to spend with the one
who is now asking you for tonight.
Hope this helps; note that it may be worth less than you paid for it.
--
Vicki Rosenzweig | v...@redbird.org
"Regret, by definition, comes too late;
Say what you mean. Bear witness. Iterate." --John M. Ford
Serene Vannoy
> Hello the list!
Hiya from one of the group. :-)
> Just stumbled across this today, trying to find somewhere to offer a
> little guidance. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and
> of those ten years.. only the past three or so have we been
> Polyamorous. I have, myself, been in love with more than just him for
> much longer. My husband knows about my long-distance partner, and is
> very open to communication with me.. but I can't seem to get them to
> talk to each other.
Do they need to?
> He has admitted to being alright with me being in
> love with another human.. and that it is ok, but he wants to spend
> time with me too.
Sounds reasonable.
> Our work schedules don't really permit alot of
> bonding time.
Does your schedule allow for lots more time with your long-distance
partner than with the one you live with?
> I try to validate his feelings, and keep both of them
> from a dangerous jealous spiral.. it works.. but I think I may need
> more help.
It might work for you to go to them and say that. "I think we're doing
pretty well so far, but I need help figuring out how to make sure that
we're all getting what we need from each other. Can you help me figure
this out?"
>
> I am trying to be there for them.. when they need me the most.. but am
> floundering. I know that they are so amazing.. and worth my love..
Not having more time for someone doesn't mean they're not worth your love.
> but sometimes I wonder why they think it is acceptable to vie for my
> attention, when I try to equal it out. Is this competitive spirit
> normal? How do you break the cycle?
I don't know how normal or not normal it is, but that doesn't really
matter much; if it's happening in your family, and it's a problem, then
it's something that needs to be dealt with somehow.
I know that both of my partners would like me to spend more time with
them. I'm not sure you'll like my answer to "How do you break the cycle"
-- it's that I spend my time however I choose, and I make that clear to
them. They don't pull me in two directions, because they know that how
I spend my time is completely up to me. (I'm not saying I don't take
their wishes into account, but my partners know better than to try to
imply that if I'd rather be alone or with someone else, I don't love
them enough, or anything like that, or to try to pressure me to spend
time with them that I'd rather spend otherwise. I *choose* to spend
time with them, individually and together, as often as I have the energy
and desire, because I really like them, in addition to being in love
with them. In our family, how this works is that one of my partners
will say "Wanna do X with me on Saturday?" and I'll say yes or no
depending on how I feel.
Making regular date days with the partner I don't live with helped with
a factor that may not be a problem with you -- I am a serious introvert,
and getting out of the house costs me a lot of social energy. In order
to help with this, we made it part of our week's plan that we will spend
a day together during the week out near me, and a day together on the
weekend at his place. This is totally flexible (for instance, I had
something else I wanted to do yesterday, so I switched and went to his
place today instead), but it's the general plan, so it keeps time
together on the front burner. (I don't value in-person time as much as
some people do, so sometimes I have to be reminded that it matters to
someone, and I try to make sure to adjust when it's someone who's
important to me, as my partners are.)
Serene
--
42 Magazine, celebrating life with meaning. Inaugural issue is here!
http://42magazine.com
"But here's a handy hint: if your fabulous theory for ending war and
all other human conflict will not survive an online argument with
humourless feminists who are not afraid to throw rape around as an
example, your theory needs work." -- Aqua, alt.polyamory
John Palmer
<lady...@sbcglobal.net> wrote:
>Hello the list!
>
>I am trying to be there for them.. when they need me the most.. but am
>floundering. I know that they are so amazing.. and worth my love..
>but sometimes I wonder why they think it is acceptable to vie for my
>attention, when I try to equal it out. Is this competitive spirit
>normal? How do you break the cycle?
Well... are they actually competing, you know, *competing*, "me, not
him," or are they both trying to get what they want? The second can be
easier to deal with that the first... the parable of two people
insisting on an orange, when one wants the juice and the other wants
the peel, comes to mind.
John Palmer
ImpossibleGirl
Thank you Erin! I think this may help alot for us. Since my other
love is so far away, sometimes it is difficult to coordinate time to
spend with just my husband. It seems like digitally they are always
sharing the same space. I think it'll help just to put the phone
down.. turn off the instant messengers, and disconnect when I'm
spending time with my husband. Setting Dates will make them feel more
important I think. I don't want to feel like I'm in a juggling act..
usually I don't.. but the fact of the matter is, when dealing with
more hearts than your own.. you have to be so careful.
Thank you for your very valuable advice.
Escarlata@FaireNews
> On Jun 22, 4:09 pm, Erin <pingue...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> sharing the same space. I think it'll help just to put the phone
> down.. turn off the instant messengers, and disconnect when I'm
> spending time with my husband.
Just a quick note on this idea. When we first tried designating
specific time to only one partner, it brought to light a difference in
the way each of us ... think ... for lack of a better word.
Because both of them are such an integral part of my life, something
going on during time spent with one would trigger a thought about the
other. In the beginning, one of my loves felt that even thinking about
the other was a violation of "his" time. And it wasn't that I would
talk about the other. He said he could just tell that a thought had
crossed my mind. He'd ask me and, in the spirit of open and honest
communication, I would tell him what I was thinking.
It took a good deal of discussion to reach a point where he understood
that, for me at least, it isn't possible to turn my brain off.
Apparently he is able to go into some type of hyper-focus mode where
nothing penetrates except what he is concentrating on.
Just my two cents worth of head-up. Hope that it never touches your
relationship,
Sky Marie
I am in the other position. I am one of two girls and although my
boyfriend tells me that this isn't a competition and for me not to
compare myself to the other girl, I can't help but do it. I see all
the time he spends with her and not with me, I see the vacation he
takes her on, the gifts he gives her. He says I don't see the times
that she wants to be with me but he spends with me. I don't know. I am
trying hard not to be jealous, but it's fucking hard.
I tend to doubt his love for me, because of that. So if you can
reassure both that you love them very much and really really SHOW
them, then that might work. I don't really know what it takes for me.
I'm thinking that if my boyfriend was public about us (I came in
later) the way he is public about the other girl, I would feel more
equal.
Louise
<newatp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
>I'm thinking that if my boyfriend was public about us (I came in
>later) the way he is public about the other girl, I would feel more
>equal.
Hi Sky Marie:
Welcome to alt.poly. I read both your posts, but I wanted to comment
about this part first, since it seems like one of the simpler bits to
change.
First, I wonder if you've talked to your boyfriend and his other
partner about this part.
Being "invisible" can be no fun. In some situations, being discreet
is the most prudent choice, at least for the short term. But it helps
if everyone affected discusses the choice and agrees with it.
Some other things that may help:
Finding some situations where you don't have to be invisible. Do you
have any social circles, either in person or on line, where you can be
open about your poly relationship? And are there other places where
you and he can be together, with people assuming that you're together
as romantic partners and nobody needing to be told anything?
Decreasing the ways in which he is "public" about his other partner's
status in his life may help (For example, if he introduces both of
you by name, rather than saying "this is my fiancee and this is our
friend").
Asking him to talk about ways in which the current imbalance hurts him
too.
Talking about which situations of invisibility are temporary, and how
they might change in the future. For example, if one of you is a
student now or on the job market, you might choose not to be public
about your complicated relationship status now, but at a new job you
can be matter of fact about bringing someone (or two someones) to the
company picnic. Or if you have small children and are living in a
conformist suburb, the kids won't be small forever and you don't
necessarily need to keep living there either.
Considering together the relative social risks of choosing to be a bit
more open versus being suspected of cheating.
Even if your boyfriend is reluctant to tell his friends and family
members about your place in his life, remember that you don't
necessarily have to let his preferences determine how you behave with
your friends and family members. Decide whom you trust, and let them
know about the happy developments in your life. Let them meet your
sweetie (and maybe his other partner too, if you can), and let them
get to know each other -- it's useful later, when you tell other less
supportive people, to have someone who can say, Oh, yeah, they've been
together for ages, he's nice, it really seems to work for them.
Louise
Serene Vannoy
> I'm thinking that if my boyfriend was public about us (I came in
> later) the way he is public about the other girl, I would feel more
> equal.
Yes. And between that and the marriage thing, were I in your shoes, I
might bail. Not that I would leave a partner who married someone else,
but that if they knew it was important to me and their feeling was "If
you leave me over this, oh, well, do what you have to do," then I'd have
a problem staying with them and being the secret lover of a married man.
PolyGirl
> On Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:14:27 -0700 (PDT), Sky Marie
>
Thank you SO very much. I should've joined this group sooner. ;)
I have been open about my boyfriend and his other girlfriend with both
my family and friends, but it's hard to talk to them about the issues
in our relationship, because they don't agree with this lifestyle, so
while they love me and want the best for me, the only advice they ever
give is: leave him, he's an ass. Now, that's not very helpfull. So I
feel that talking to other poly folk is very helpfull. Ok, and having
read your comment (and Aqua's), I do realise what my "actual" issue
is. It's not the fact they are getting married, that's just a
visualisation of me feeling invisible. So while I have addressed this
in the past, I think it's time to talk about it again with him. So
thanks for helping me figure this out. I'll keep you posted. ;)
PolyGirl
> Sky Marie wrote:
> > I'm thinking that if my boyfriend was public about us (I came in
> > later) the way he is public about the other girl, I would feel more
> > equal.
>
> Yes. And between that and the marriage thing, were I in your shoes, I
> might bail. Not that I would leave a partner who married someone else,
> but that if they knew it was important to me and their feeling was "If
> you leave me over this, oh, well, do what you have to do," then I'd have
> a problem staying with them and being the secret lover of a married man.
I know, I am going back and forth over my choices and my feelings and
all. I can't say yet, what I'm going to do. I'll have to keep
discussing this with my boyfriend. If we figure things out with the
invisibility issue and if he thereby affirms me and makes me feel
secure enough about my status in this relationship, then it might
still work. We'll see. Thanks for your comment!
>
> --
> 42 Magazine, celebrating life with meaning. Inaugural issue is here!http://42magazine.com
Aahz Maruch
PolyGirl <newatp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
>
>Ok, and having read your comment (and Aqua's), I do realise what my
>"actual" issue is. It's not the fact they are getting married, that's
>just a visualisation of me feeling invisible. So while I have addressed
>this in the past, I think it's time to talk about it again with him.
That's good -- sometimes it takes years to figure out what the underlying
issues are. For example, my primary and I took a long time to realize
that the trigger for Poly Hell really wasn't anything to do with
polyamory at all, it was about different expectations for socializing in
groups. (It wasn't that we were unaware of the socializing problem, it
was just that we hadn't connected the dots in figuring out the cause of
Poly Hell.)
--
Hugs and backrubs -- I break Rule 6 http://rule6.info/
<*> <*> <*>
"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." --Ben Franklin
Aahz Maruch
Sky Marie <newatp...@googlemail.com> wrote:
>
>I am in the other position. I am one of two girls and although my
>boyfriend tells me that this isn't a competition and for me not to
>compare myself to the other girl, I can't help but do it. I see all
>the time he spends with her and not with me, I see the vacation he
>takes her on, the gifts he gives her. He says I don't see the times
>that she wants to be with me but he spends with me. I don't know. I am
>trying hard not to be jealous, but it's fucking hard.
Sometimes relationships are just not equal, and if one (or more) people
are dissatisfied with that, it may not be resolvable. I have one primary
partner, and it is extremely unlikely that I will ever have more than one
while I'm involved with zir; anyone else I get involved with needs to be
okay with never being primary.
(Although I do in some ways treat my local secondary as a primary; for
example, anything said to me should be assumed to go to both of my local
partners.)