Coming to grips
e...@polari.com
Sharon and I had our talk last night.
Things couldn't have worked out any better if I'd had a script. The
scene sorta worked as before-- rented a couple of movies (this time
one action, one romance... NOT four horror flicks in a row, yech!) and,
like before, we sorta migrated together even as Chris and Omaha did the
same.
We took the end of the movie cue to find the spare bedroom, directly
telling each other our intent to snuggle.
We talked for a long time. She told me that my theories were, for
the most part, correct-- she had indeed been freaked out by my
revelation that I was bisexual, and it had taken her a long time to
sort that data out in her mind. _Now_ that she had seen my bisexuality
in action, that I wasn't a bed-hopping and unsafe maniac but that my
relationships, with men or with women, were comitted and meaningful to
me, she felt that she had a better grip on herself and me and honestly
told me she wanted me back, again.
She apologized. And I accepted her apology.
That was the second part of our conversation.
The first is where _you_ come in.
I have a reputation to uphold. One that requires some degree of
honesty and self-examination. I have a reputation on the net for being
forthright, direct, open, and communicative. Sometimes that isn't
easy, and with Sharon, it definitely wasn't. It was hard telling her
what I had to tell her, and overcoming the inertia took effort.
Then I thought of y'all, and it became easier. If I'm going to
advocate a position, I had damn well live up to it; I had damn well
cash with my ass the checks I write with my mouth.
I told her the truth; I told her about my response to her recent
advances, my willingness to ignore Omaha, DeWolf, and everybody else
around me in an effort to be in her arms once again, about my desire to
just let the email pile up if I could just spend time with her. I told
her I was not going to let that happen, and she told me she wasn't
either.
That wasn't quite the hardest part. The worst part was telling her
I didn't want to make love.
I said I wanted to spend the night next to her, to hold her and hug
her and sleep naked through 'til dawn with her, but sex... I wasn't
ready now to have sex with her, and maybe I never will be. With her,
sex always seemed to be something of a struggle, and I wasn't ready to
partake in that struggle once again, I wasn't willing to step over the
line I had drawn quite yet; there comes a limit to how much one person
can take.
Maybe, in two or three months, I will be ready to make love with
Sharon, and maybe we will. But until I feel, for certain, that her
return to my life isn't interfering with my love of Omaha or DeWolf or
anybody else, until I feel, for certain, that she really has come to
grips with the fact that I'm a man who sometimes fucks men, I'm not
going to step over that line.
But, once I got it out, I felt better. Empowered, even. I had
taken control of _my_ life once again, while allowing Sharon to retain
control of her own. I had done the right thing.
And I don't know why I drew that line _there_. It seemed like the
right place to put it though. _For now_, sex, as opposed to cuddling,
hugging and kissing, seems to be the wrong way of expressing my
happiness, and maybe, just maybe, the return of our love.
I think I'll call DeWolf and ask if he wants to play frisbee tomorrow.
Elf !!!
--
__ Eagles soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. __
\/ \/
Elf Sternberg
e...@halcyon.com elf%pol...@uunet.uu.net e...@seanews.wa.com
Olaf Seibert
> I have a reputation to uphold. One that requires some degree of
>honesty and self-examination. I have a reputation on the net for being
>forthright, direct, open, and communicative. Sometimes that isn't
>easy, and with Sharon, it definitely wasn't. It was hard telling her
>what I had to tell her, and overcoming the inertia took effort.
The reputation one has on the .net is, of course, determined by the
things you post. And indeed, when you post, you appear to be very
open. But what do we know when you don't post? We should all keep this
in mind, and not be surprised if you, or anyone else of course, don't
act like you "should", i.e., find something difficult to say or do, or
fail to live up to whatever other reputation you have. The net doesn't
give a representative impression of us. For example, in real life I'm
rather a quiet person, even though I sometimes make loud and blunt
statements on the net. And I hope I'm not really as frustrated as I
seem to be !-) On the other hand, this misrepresentation allows us to
show ourselves from the best side, and not be judged by simple
appearances.
--
___ Olaf 'Rhialto' Seibert B4f+-t-w--g+k+(+)svmrp+ rhi...@cs.kun.nl
\X/ How can you be so stupid if you're identical to me? -Robert Silverberg
Elf Sternberg
rhi...@cs.kun.nl (Olaf Seibert) writes:
>In article <1992Jun1.105348.25115@polari> e...@halcyon.com writes:
>>I have a reputation on the net for being forthright, direct, open,
>>and communicative. Sometimes that isn't easy...
>Indeed, when you post, you appear to be very
>open. But what do we know when you don't post? We should all keep this
>in mind, and not be surprised if you, or anyone else of course, don't
>act like you "should", i.e., find something difficult to say or do, or
>fail to live up to whatever other reputation you have.
Perhaps :-)
But the point of my missive was that my reputation _here_ reached
out into my Real Life and impelled me to do the right thing. I "talk
the talk," Olaf, and to my surprise I was able to "walk the walk" with
that one group of people I have the most trouble doing so with--
Heterosexual, Vanilla folk. G/L/B folk are used to talking about sex
and attractiveness and quite often don't take rejection so hard.
S/M'ers are damnable _insistent_ about negotiation and such. People
like Sharon and Chris have no such backgrounds, and all the usual
inhibitions come up in the process.
I _talk_ a lot about my ability to communicate, but we all have to
remember that communication is facilited by the nature of the people I
hang with... G/L/B and Leatherfolk. _They_ make it easy for me; I
advocate communication because it seems to be the only thing that keeps
relationships working. I sometimes forget, until it hits me in the
face, that not all people are good at or comfortable with "just
talking." It seems cold and uncaring, to sit down and ruthlessly
discuss _how_ you love the person sitting across from you. But in the
end it's the most caring thing you could do.
But, taking a deep breath, I managed. And it all worked out in the
end.
Olaf Seibert
e...@halcyon.com (Elf Sternberg) writes:
> But the point of my missive was that my reputation _here_ reached
>out into my Real Life and impelled me to do the right thing.
That is of course a Good Thing(tm), but still something for yourself
to decide.
[...]
> I _talk_ a lot about my ability to communicate, but we all have to
>remember that communication is facilited by the nature of the people I
>hang with... G/L/B and Leatherfolk. _They_ make it easy for me; I
>advocate communication because it seems to be the only thing that keeps
>relationships working.
Indeed - how easy it is to talk seriously with somebody depends for
a large part on them. I know that all too well...
> I sometimes forget, until it hits me in the
>face, that not all people are good at or comfortable with "just
>talking." It seems cold and uncaring, to sit down and ruthlessly
>discuss _how_ you love the person sitting across from you. But in the
>end it's the most caring thing you could do.
Recently it happened to me (I forget the exact occasion and subject,
but it was sex/love related) that somebody wondered how on earth I
could talk so rationally about the subject at hand. Well, that's just
me, and I think it is important to be able to discuss anything
rationally, but of course on the most important case this failed
utterly; fortunately this was not more than half my fault.
> But, taking a deep breath, I managed. And it all worked out in the
>end.
Such things are great to hear!
> Elf !!!
-Olaf.