Chuck Norris Bitten by Cobra, 5 days of Excruciating Pain, Cobra Finally Died!
Patriot Games
My Prescription for Political Indigestion
by Chuck Norris
10/06/2009
I'm sure my blood pressure has risen countless times over the past
year watching the federal government overspend. I'm tired of seeing
out-of-control government overreaching into every area of our lives.
And I especially hurt for Americans, many of whom are jobless,
homeless and with little hope for the future or real help from the
government.
I need a break from watching the political drama and recklessness in
Washington. Know what I mean?
That is the reason I finally agreed to write my new book, The Official
Chuck Norris Fact Book, in which I share my favorite 101 "facts" and
101 humorous and inspirational related stories. (It is being released
Nov. 1 by Tyndale House Publishers, though it's now available for
pre-order on Amazon.com for less than $9. Proceeds from the book will
go to help http://www.KickStartKids.org.)
For those who somehow have not heard of the Chuck Norris facts, they
are mythical expressions of my life and abilities, a collection of
sayings, quips and quotes, created by young and old alike, that have
elevated my character and personhood to almost legendary, Paul
Bunyan-like status.
I've heard it said that there are literally hundreds of thousands of
Chuck Norris facts that circle the globe. They proliferate on the
Internet, are found in speeches and books, and are written on bathroom
walls from schools in America to battlefields in the Middle East.
Over the next five weeks, I'm going to give a sneak peek inside The
Official Chuck Norris Fact Book in my weekly column, starting with
entry No. 1 below. Each entry in the book is divided into four
sections: one of my favorite official facts, a related short story
("Let's be honest"), a classic or contemporary corresponding quote
("They said it") and one of my principles for life ("Chuck's Code"),
which are represented by the five "F's," or core values: freedom,
faith, family, fitness and fight. (The only thing missing in these
column examples will be the content display, such as font variance,
and the comical caricature portrait of me that accompanies each of the
101 facts in the book -- for example, an image of me wrestling a
grizzly bear!)
Without further adieu, here's the first entry in the book:
No. 1 -- "Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, and after five days of
excruciating pain ... the cobra died."
Let's be honest ...
I was filming an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" out in the woods.
The scene was with me and a Native American actor-friend, and we were
competing to see who could catch the largest rattlesnake with his bare
hands.
The snake wranglers had two very large rattlesnakes, supposedly
de-venomed. My friend didn't want to be filmed trying to grab the
rattlesnake with his hand. So he said, "De-venomed or not, I'm not
about to try it." I replied, "Why don't you just walk in from the
woods holding the snake in your hand? I'm going to win anyway, because
I'm grabbing the largest snake." The larger of the two rattlers was
slithering on the ground, so I sneaked up from behind and grabbed it
by the back of the neck, picking it up and counting the number of
rattles it had.
The take went very well, but the director wanted a second take. So the
snake wrangler took the snake from me and put it back on the ground. I
sneaked up to grab him a second time, but just as my hand grabbed his
neck, he turned and bit me on the hand! As blood started gushing out,
the director panicked and took off running!
I asked the snake wrangler if he thought I should go to the hospital
to see if the snake had injected venom into me. He said, "That
wouldn't be a bad idea." I told the crew that we had only one take,
because I had to go to the hospital and the director was missing in
action! (Then I asked, "Would someone please go find him?") There was
a happy ending to it all: The single take was good, I had no venom in
me, and they found the director.
Later, I played back the snakebite scene on film and slowed it down
frame by frame. Twenty-four frames equal one second, and the snakebite
covered three frames. In other words, that snake bit me in one-eighth
of a second. Talk about fast!
They said it ...
"I hate snakes." -- Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford's character) in the
classic "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
Chuck's Code (Fight):
If your opponent is fast, you must be faster or smarter.
Who will enjoy the fact book? I believe young, old, students, military
personnel, patriots and anyone who just needs a little relief and
inspiration. Whether as a Christmas gift or, as my chaplain calls it,
"the ultimate bathroom reading," I believe everyone will enjoy the
read -- and maybe even learn a few new things about me, America or
even themselves.
In these tough times, I think we all could use a good laugh. And
regarding personal maladies, I bet it even can relieve your political
indigestion! (I believe patriots particularly will like my "Freedom"
entry in next week's column.)
AnAmericanCitizen
Let's hope he stays out of presidential politics next time around. We certainly
don't need his spoiler friends mucking things up again....AAC
Patriot Games
<NoAm...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>Let's hope he stays out of presidential politics next time around. We certainly
>don't need his spoiler friends mucking things up again....AAC
hAHAHAHHAHA!!!
Hey! If they can have Sean Penn, we can have Chuck!
We just need Chuck gettin' on Mitt's bandwagon...